More of You

Friday 3 p.m.

The trip wasn't what I had expected. I came with my mother with the thought of making her spill whatever beans she was hiding from me. I wanted to make her feel better, and I wanted to talk to her about what's bothering her. But I got held back by myself. I've realized on the second day of stalling myself that if I got her to speak then I'd have to speak about things that have been bothering every night, and sometimes the day, too.

I didn't want to open old wounds. It'd feel like cutting them with a knife, slowly and sorely, then spilling an entire bottle of rubbing alcohol on it. I didn't want to remember all the pain we went through. I didn't want to remember Trent. It would've been too much for the both of us. It was a past we wanted to forget. A past that didn't let us go.

We had tried to talk it out on the first year we moved to Tarzana. We had hoped that talking about it would bring us closure and we could move on without a day of nightmares. It didn't work out. On the first day I was back from rehab, I had a nightmare. My mother had come rushing into my room to wake me up from my ragged screaming. I had pinned her on the floor, ready to push my fist on her face, then I woke up. It wasn't me sleepwalking it. No, my mind thought it was Trent, and my body reacted accordingly. Of course, I was never able to pin Trent down, my mother was weaker, but it hurt. I woke up with my mother looking at me with so much terror in her eyes. She thought I was Trent for that moment.

And I think she saw him in me. She never told me, but I felt it because her eyes widened the same way they always did when Trent mistreated her. She didn't come to my room for an entire month after that incident.

There were several similar episodes after that. But I got so used to the nightmares that I didn't scream anymore. It was just restless nights.

On our second year living in Tarzana, my mom had gotten a job in a clinic. I engrossed myself in school. For a while, the nightmares didn't bother me as much. I was too busy trying to get my grades up that I spent my time studying till late hours. My mother got worried, but I dismissed her. It was a relief not having tormenting thoughts. And the voices in my head had quieted down.

They didn't start becoming a nuisance until half way through junior year. Adrianna had set eyes on me. I didn't really care about her. I was already used to the judgment that went on daily. Nobody talked to me. They kept their distance away from me, and I was fine with it. Either way, I hated all of them. Adrianna was different. She verbally attacked constantly reminding me about my past, something nobody ever did. And even though I hate to admit, she got to me. My nightmares become a bigger problem after her domineering acts started. Then she somehow got her friends to bother me. Every day become a burden for me.

Thoughts of disappearing once and for all overwhelmed me. I was suffocating. It scared me shitless because I was back to square one. I didn't know what to do. My mother noticed something was off with me. I wasn't the chatterbox I had become with her. She knew things weren't the greatest with me in school due to my lack of social life. I had no friends. She thought I was just stressed out with school work so she didn't put much thinking into it. She didn't know about the thoughts going on in my head. I didn't want her to be ashamed of me. I had no reason to be sad anymore. Trent was out of our lives and we were supposed to be getting better.

I didn't want to be a burden for her.

She was doing so well with her job, and then she got another part time job in a bar as an accountant. My mother had so many things to be worried with, I didn't want to add to her list. So I dealt with Adrianna and my nightmares like I always had: alone.

At the start of senior year, Adrianna wasn't my biggest problem. I became immune to her words. They stung sometimes, but they didn't mean anything to me. I had no idea why she treated me the way she did. I never did anything to her. Her attitude towards me was ridiculous. I didn't care about her. She noticed, too. Her attacks stopped when the principal called her out on it. Somebody had reported Adrianna. I never found out who.

I'd like to say that my nightmares had vanished, but they didn't. I led myself to believe that a part of me would always be stuck to the past. There was nothing I could do to stop the agonizing memories from creeping into my head every night. It was something I was already prepared to live with for the rest of my life. My mother was always better at moving on and letting on. That was her motto for most of the first two years: Move On and Let Go. Now, I'm not so sure. She's as broken as me. And whatever happened to her, it brought pain from the past. A part of me believes the letters have to do with it. The other part is in denial. The other part of me wants me to believe this is just another episode and it'll soon go away and she'll be okay. I know, though, deep down that it's the letters.

I sighed and washed the sunflower fields blur past me. My eyes drifted off to my mother. She was asleep. Her brown hair fell over face, and she was breathing hard. She was exhausted. I pressed down gas pedal a little further, and drove faster. I wanted to get home so she could lay down in bed and sleep comfortably. The past four days we've slept on the car and binged on comfort food.

We drove non-stop to Fresno on our first day. Then on the second, we reached Sacramento. We slept in a motel room the third day. It was old but the people were hospitable. On the fourth day, we drove back from Sacramento to L.A. We drove like we had all the time of the world. We didn't though. We had to go back. My mother to her jobs. And me to reality.

Another sigh escaped. The end of the sunflower fields was coming to view. A few more miles, and we'll be in the familiarity of Los Angeles. I nibbled on my lower lip and I clutched the car wheel tightly. I hadn't spoken to anybody from L.A. for the past five days. My mother either. She got a week's worth of vacation before we ventured out. She thought it was best if we left our phones in the house. She didn't want any form of communication with us. I didn't know why. I didn't ask her why. I regretted that decision when we were halfway to Fresno. I craved to hear Eddie's voice.

I didn't like it one bit how things were with Eddie. I had wanted to call him during these five days, but that was impossible. My mother didn't have his phone number either. And I wasn't sure if she had Melissa's. Leaving our phones wasn't a very bright idea. I grimaced when I remembered Monday night. I hated how our conversation ended. I was the only one to blame. He must be wondering where I left off to. I dismissed that thought, I told Melissa that I was leaving for a few days. Surely, she told him that much.

I was growing anxious when I passed the end of the sunflower fields and trees welcomed us. I felt a sudden breeze of the beach and it felt nice to be back home. I felt relieved. A little part of me was because I was home, another because I knew that it wouldn't be long before I saw him. A gasoline station was around the corner. I saw a phone booth and quickly came to a stop. I parked the red Sudan next to it. I took out the phone book from my mother's purse and got out of the car. I prayed she had Lisa Sander's phone number. I almost made a dance when I found her name. It blew my mind that I hadn't thought of calling her before. I could've gotten a message through her to Melissa. And say what? I thought bitterly, 'Hey Mel, tell Eddie not to worry about me. I'm fine. I frowned, that's what caused our conversation to go downhill.

A few rings passed when somebody picked up.

"Sander's residence. What do you want?"

It was a boy's voice. "Is Melissa there?"

"Who are you?" He sounded annoyed. "Listen, if you're the guy claiming to be Eddie Duran, I suggest you hang up." Now he was accusing.

"No, I'm not a guy claiming to be Eddie Duran. I'm her friend."

"Friend? Melissa doesn't have friends."

I was growing impatient. "Is she there?"

"I don't know. Maybe she is. Maybe she's not."

I sighed. "Okay, it's not really important for me to talk to her right now. Thanks, anyway." I was about to put the phone back in the receiver when he started laughing.

"Wait! Don't hang up." He said. "You're Loren, right?"

"Yeah."
"Wait a second- Hey Debbie Downer, someone wants to talk to you!"

I heard someone yell defiantly. "Don't be a prude, Napoleon!" She pushed him away, "What do you want?"

"Hey Mel."

She was quiet for a moment, "LOREN?!" She then was even quieter for a moment longer, "Don't 'Hey, Mel' me!"

"Are you mad?" Of course she is. I did leave her an impromptu message. And it was vague.

"No-no. I'm not mad. I AM FUMING; so bad that I can feel my ears giving off steam."

"Sorry, my mom and I-"

"I don't want to hear your explanations. You left for five days, Loren. Five days! And you just left like that. Do you really think 'Hey, I'm going away for a few days. See you' smiley face is good enough? Nah-uh missy. You will have to make it up for me." I exhaled. "I will. Don't worry."

"I'm not worried. But you should."

"Why?" I asked slowly. Melissa let out a long huff of air. "Because Eddie. That is why. You left without saying a word to him. You know, I do feel flatter you decided to text me and not him. But that's not how things work when you're in serious relationship with somebody. You just don't get to decide when you can ignore them, and then leave five days without telling them and then come back and pretend everything will be okay. No siree!" She was aggravated. "You don't pull a bitch move like that all of the sudden, Loren. You just don't. Now you had five long days to get away from whatever you're running-"

"I wasn't running away-"

"Shut up. I'm talking. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, you can't run away from your problems. You don't run away for five days when something comes up and you don't know how to deal with it. Because you hurt people like that. Did you know that? Do you know how badly you hurt Eddie?"

"I-"

"You are selfish, Loren. You are so stupid and you are so selfish."

I flinched at that. I slowly leaned against the phone booth. It was dirty, and little insects were crawling in it, but I didn't care. Her words stung. I guess I deserved that.

"Now, please hang up before I say other hurtful words that I'd probably won't regret but you would regret hearing. Oh, and by the way, Eddie is still stupidly into you. The boy called 24/7 to see if you had the decency to update on your current situation which brings me back to the whole selfish and stupid thing- you know what, hang up."

"Melissa, I didn't mean to hurt him. I just-"

She sighed exasperated, "you never do, Loren." She went quiet, controlling her breathing. "You don't do it on purpose, it's just some defense mechanism on your part. And I think Eddie understands that. He knows what you've gone through, or enough to know that life is not a cup of tea for you. He knows, but that doesn't give you the right to treat him like he is some toy you use around and then throw away when you get bored." There was a small cocoon hanging from the rusty phone booth. I smiled bitterly. "Don't push him too much. There's just so much a person can take before they break. You should know that."

And she hung up. A shaky breath was all I gave. I turned away from the phone booth and walked towards the car. My mother was sleeping. A peaceful expression was on her face. I smiled softly for her. I hope this trip was helpful. I hope she got through whatever she was going through. I didn't put much thought into her. I thought of Eddie. And I wanted to scream.

I always mess everything up.

I closed my eyes and bit my lip anxiously. I needed to see him.

I wasted no time settling down on the driver's seat. I turned on the ignition and quickly drove away from the gasoline station. I'll go to his apartment, I made up my mind. I'll show up and just apologize for leaving like that. For pushing him away. For everything.

My mother shifted beside me. I needed to get her home first. Then I could go to him. I sped away and I was in Tarzana thirty minutes later. I quickly woke my mother up and carried our bags. She went home and straight to bed. My abdomen was no longer a bother. The pain had subsided completely.

All the while, Eddie was on my mind. I think I craved to see him again. To make things right.

After all the bags where on the floor of the living room, I made sure I had the car keys then jogged back to the car. I was about to get in when a black sport car skidded in the corner of the block. My heart gave a thump-thump beating. And my faced flushed. I closed the car door and walked towards the black car, it had parked a little over the sidewalk.

He stepped out. His eyes never leaving me. Even when he closed the door and walked over to me, he still had his eyes set on me. He looked confident. He look like he was about to take on the world by himself. His eyes were masked with determination, and then they wavered. Then I saw him. Really saw him. And he looked so sad. So exhausted and hurt. He stopped a few feet before me.

I wanted to apologize to him. To say how sorry I am for being thoughtless and selfish. To say how sorry I am for being the way I am. But I couldn't say anything as I stared at him. How could I make him feel better when I was the one that caused him so much pain? Don't get ahead of yourself. You're not that special.

I was ready to spill all my guts out to him, but here I stood, helpless and wordless. I am a screw up, big time. He kept staring at me. His eyes trailing down my body, to make sure I was there. In the flesh. He seemed to relax at that thought. His body twitched, and I thought for a moment he was going to pull me into an embrace. He didn't. He stood frozen, too, and he didn't say a word.

Suddenly, he tsked- and a trembling hand ran through his messy brown hair. The messy hair I love. And his brown eyes were still so sad and he still looked like he hasn't gotten sleep for days.

He sighed and swallowed. I stood speechless.

"You know," he began, broken and tired, "I should be mad at you," his eyes found mine again and they darkened, and then he smiled, "But fuck it-"

And he was kissing me. Livid and hard. And he was holding me. It was a tight, heart quenching hug and he was warm. I was warm again.

Song: "More of You" by The Goo Good Dolls

Tada! A lot of Leddie is going be happening in the next chapter. Anyways, I hope you liked it! Tell me what you thought through PM or leave a review. You guys are the best!

P.S. Editing has been too much on me.

P.S.S. I've noticed it's been two years since Hollywood Heights Aired! Happy two year anniversary. And I still need to finish this story,