The more you ignore me, the closer I get

"Here, for your lip," I placed a sheet of paper towel on his bleeding lip. My hand was shaking, and I was panting. Eddie smiled softly, letting me clean away the blood from his lip. His hand gently caressed my cheek which was red, a deep red that was abiding my embarrassment. I noticed how he was taking his own intakes of air, and his other hand was glued to my waist.

"Sorry about that," I muttered. I heard a chuckle. "It's fine. I mean, it's not everyday someone nips my lip a little too hard," he looked at me thoughtfully, "I found it quite pleasant, actually." His hand delicately trailed down to my neck. He noticed a strand of my hair stick out rebelliously. He frowned and placed it back behind my ear. My heart rate was back to a somewhat normal pace, and my face wasn't screaming 'I just almost bit your lip off' anymore.

He told me it didn't hurt at all, but I do remember him pulling away quickly when I went a little overboard and his lip was my hostage. I wanted to bury my head on his neck when he touched his lip, brought his hand up, and there was blood on his fingers. To say I was embarrassed is an understatement. I wanted to get a shovel, dig a hole about the size of my body, and bury myself to only come out when my dignity would be renewed from this embarrassment, which would be never.

Eddie had wanted to pull me again into a kiss after he wiped away his lip, but I was too mortified. Instead, I grabbed his hand and hauled him into the house. Our hands were entwined while I looked for something to clean his lip. He didn't seem to mind, and I was grateful for that. That kiss left my knees weak, no joke, and I swear that if Eddie wasn't supporting me, I would've fallen onto the floor.

Another sly blush took refuge on my cheeks. The memory of our kiss that happened a few minutes ago caused my body to shiver. I felt Eddie's hand cup my cheek, and his thumb rubbed away the blush. He grinned at me, "Jesus Loren, your face is hot, yet your body is shivering like some cold front just hit you. Which reminds me," his face inched closer to mine, "are you positive you're not catching a cold? I don't think you want to miss another week of school. Although, I don't have a problem with that."

And his lips met mine.

I was about to eagerly return the kiss. I didn't mind the taste of blood, I just wanted to keep kissing him. He pulled away before I was able to open my mouth and take him in. Eddie brushed his nose against my cheek before pulling me into his arms. He exhaled heavily. I felt his heart beat against his chest vigorously. This hug was different from the one he had me in a few moments ago. This one was softer, tentative. I reciprocated his embrace, and pushed myself closer to him.

"You have no idea how much I missed you," his voice muffled against my neck. I felt his hot breaths against my skin. His hug was no longer tentative. It was firm, tight, and warm.

"I missed you, too."

"No," he gave a dejected sigh. "No, you didn't."

"Eddie," I began, but he was no longer holding me. He peeled my arms away from his neck. He pulled back harsher than what he had intended to. It felt like tape being ripped away from my skin when he took three steps back from me. I think he noticed the hurt on my face because he took a step forward. Before he closed the distance between us, I shook my head. "I deserved that." My shoulders hunched forward, and I looked away from him. My mind was besieged with guilt. I cringed from that. Knowing that I felt guilty was the last thing he wanted to hear.

He didn't need my guilt.

You mean, he doesn't need you, right?

Eddie was licking away the blood from his lips when I had the courage to look up at him. His eyes never left me. His sparkling brown eyes were brushed away with hurt, so much hurt that it made my stomach coil. He had every right to be angry with me. He had every right to turn away and walk out that door. He didn't. That caused a shot of relief to spread over me.

Melissa was right. I am selfish. How dare I feel relieved that he hasn't left me considering that I'm the one that pushes him away? How dare I expect for him to stay with me?

I felt his hands take a hold of my face again. They delicately caressed away my pained expression, and his lips lingered on my temple for a second longer. I wanted to close my eyes and give in to his touch. And I did. His lips placed feather-like kisses down my forehead, down my nose, to my lips. They met for the third time today. The kiss- it was sweet, it was bitter. I sighed, and Eddie hovered his lips on mine, ready to press them on mine again. But harsher this time. I grasped his hand and quickly pulled him towards my room. Eddie didn't protest, letting me drag him away from the kitchen. I felt his eyes on me. We silently passed my mother's room. Her door was closed and she was fast asleep.

Eddie fell exhausted onto my wooden chair. I closed the door quietly behind me.

"Your mother won't have a problem with us being here alone?" Eddie inquired hesitantly.

"We're not doing anything wrong," I stated, but my eyes couldn't stop staring at his swollen lip. A blush soon found its way to my cheeks. Eddie nodded once before his eyes darted around my room. A small smile played around his lips before completely forming.

"I'm sorry," I said. Eddie's gaze found mine immediately. He sighed. "I should've called," I sat on the edge of my bed, "I wanted to."

"Why didn't you?" Eddie's eyes searched mine for answers. His eyebrows furrowed together in confusion and to my dismay, hurt.

I shrugged wearily, "you've been busy with your manager a lot recently. I didn't want to be a bother-"

"You didn't want to be a bother to me?" He shook his head in bewilderment, and then he was sad. "Loren, you left for five days and the fact that you didn't bother to call me just shows that you really don't feel the same way I feel about you." A bitter smile formed on him and the coil in my stomach was back. I wanted to go up to him and pull him to me. I wasn't sure if that was the appropriate thing to do, so I didn't do that. Instead, I shook my head. "No. No, that's not true."

I wanted to tell him how much he means to me. How much I thought about him in an unhealthy daily basis. I wanted to tell him that I've never felt like this towards someone the way I did about him. That these feelings were so new to me. That the intensity of how I felt them scared me shitless.

"Eddie, I wanted to call you. I did- but you see-"

"Forget it, Loren." He closed his eyes. His gaze was no longer on mine. I knew he couldn't look at me any longer. I flinched at that, and the coil wounded tighter. "I know you've been through a lot. I know there are some things you desire to forget, but can't. Believe me I know how it feels when you feel completely vulnerable and helpless. Nobody understands that part of you better than me. It just hurts that you can't trust me enough to help you." He opened his eyes. Unwanted memories were ricocheting to him. Eddie shivered, not because of how cold the room was, but because of how agonizing his memories were. And I wondered what he went through to look so destroyed. I had the urge to go up to him and comfort him. I didn't know how. I'm bad with words, so I sat still on my bed.

"Have a little faith in me," his arm extended towards me. He wanted me to come to him. I stared at his unclenched hand. It was trembling, welcoming me to go to him. He was so kind it hurt. My eyes found his, and I wanted to cry for him. I felt his mother's necklace dangling delicately down my collarbone. My hand absentmindedly grasped his precious jewel and delicately traced his mother's initials on the back. Eddie's eyes held every movement I made on the necklace. His eyes widened for a mere second before they closed again.

His hand dropped and he was covering his face.

His body shook and I thought he was crying.

Vulnerability.

My hand let go of his mother's necklace and I was holding him. He shook within my hold, but I held strong against him. My arms somehow sheathed around his head, and my legs somehow winded up around his torso. His face pressed against my chest and his arms wrapped around me, pulling me closer.

I wanted to ask him if it was about his mother, and what happened to her. There was something more than a car crash. But I'll wait for him to open up, to let me in into all his secrets when he's ready. Just like he waited for me.

Eddie stopped shaking. I gently pulled away to look at him. I bit back a tear. I gently traced my thumb around his face to soothe away his pain. He smiled, and it was forced. "I have secrets of my own, Loren. I am no one to judge you for yours. And I don't," his hand placed itself on the back of my head, his fingers digging into my brown locks, "if that's the reason why you push me away- don't. Your past will never come between my feelings for you." His fingers ran down my hair to rest on my back. I felt his hand grip a handful of my shirt, and he hauled me forward. "Loren, I lo-" My forefinger rested on his lips, stopping him from talking any further.

"Stop," I leaned into him until our chests touched. My arms were around his neck with hands gripping his hair, "Stop comforting me." Let me comfort you. And I pressed my mouth against his already opened one. It was a sloppy, sorry excuse of a kiss, but I didn't care. If I was horrible with words, then I'd show him what he means to me. He hesitated on the kiss, but I felt his hands rest on my hips. I pressed harder into him, causing his body to tense up.. He returned my kiss with double the intensity. And I let myself go. I forgot about my self-consciousness with my inexperience and let the drive take control. His tongue desperately flicked my bottom lip. His hands moving up to my waist, stroking and clutching. I didn't hesitate to grant him entrance. My mouth opened and he was inside. Savoring, remembering.

It was messy, mostly from my part, and I pressed deeper for more. I felt his warm skin against my cool one, and his hands were under my shirt. They stayed in one place, gripping tightly, while mine were everywhere. In his hair; tracing the curves and dents of his arms; of his face; of his neck; and the complexity that delighted my fingers under his shirt.

I couldn't get enough of him.

I dipped, and flicked against his tongue for more.

We were up on a frenzy and I tasted sweet, sweet fire with him.

We pulled away for air. I took the opportunity to look at him. My hands made a mess of his hair and his lip was slightly swollen. And felt my being fill up with ecstasy. I saw my reflection in his eyes. His pleading, hungry eyes. My hair was disheveled, my cheeks burned with ardor, my eyes the same as his and he was kissing me. The taste of blood was forgotten when I felt him align our bodies together. A soft moan escaped his lips unwillingly. My legs wrapped tighter around him, along with the back of the chair, and I felt something bulge beneath me. A noise I never knew was possible to make escaped me when Eddie trailed down love-bites down my neck. His tongue swirled, and nipped and I trembled.

"Loren-" he whispered breathless, "too fast, too soon." But he didn't pull away from my neck. "We should stop." He gave me a crazed nibble a little below my jaw, and it drove me to the edge. I didn't want to stop. I knew he didn't want to stop. I nodded, and I was panting, hard. "O-okay." I pulled away, and it was a tough thing to do. I watched his eyes beg for me to come back. I felt his hands on my hips, clutching them and I supposed that was his way to keep control of this situation. He needed his hands there to hold on to think, to be conscious of what we were doing. I was grateful for that because I had lost all sense of control when he showed me all the things he could do with his tongue.

Desire erupted in me, and I couldn't keep away from him. His emotions were raw. I wanted him.

Eddie didn't put much of a fight. I was soon tasting the inside of his mouth, and my hands was back to feeling every inch of his upper body up. His hand feverishly trailed up from my hips, to my waist, bringing my shirt up with him. A felt coolness tickle my bare stomach. I wanted more, but this time, it was me that pulled away. I ripped my hands away from the inside of his shirt, and got out of his lap. I ran a shaky hand through my hair. My chest rose up and down.

He looked at me through hooded eyes. My eyes stayed away from anything under his torso. Eddie grunted and that was the equivalent of me almost getting on his lap again. I focused on other things, like his lip. There was fresh blood about to come out, but it didn't. He licked it away and flinched at the swollenness.

"Are you okay?" I asked through gasps. He held up his index finger. "Give me a minute." I nodded. He looked so miserable. A few moments passed. I watched him regain his composure, and when he did, he smiled at me. It was barely noticeable, but I saw his lip slightly twitch up.

I knew I'd feel abashed later on. I'll probably lose all spurts of confidence, and decide to go hibernate for life from this moment. But I couldn't help it, I started laughing. He looked at me confused, then he smirked.

I abhor contact. I've always tried to avoid it. With him, it seemed I couldn't get enough. If he hadn't kept his hands on my hips, we'd- I laughed that thought away.

Eddie rubbed his crimson face. I stopped laughing and sat back down the end of my bed. I ran a hand through my hair to straighten it. Eddie looked at me, a deep longing oozing out of his eyes.

"You know, I was going to your apartment with the plan of fixing everything. I didn't know how I was going to fix it, but I was determined to. And then I saw you get out of your car, and I couldn't speak," I frowned at my confession.

Eddie blinked and then nodded, "I wanted to hate you when you left so suddenly. I wanted to hate you even more when I found out that you texted Melissa instead of me. I wanted to-" he shrugged, "-I couldn't. And then I couldn't stop thinking about you. I couldn't get you out of my head," Eddie's eyes flickered away from me for a moment. They darkened, then he shrugged it away. His eyes were back to me, "I knew hating you wasn't possible, so I wanted to be mad at you. And I wanted you to know how hurt I was, so you'd feel bad. I wanted you to feel worse than me." He didn't look at me, and his nose scrunched up, like he was disgusted with this. I walked up to him, and my hand was caressing the tension on his jaw.

He sighed and gave in to my touch, "it turns out that being mad at you isn't possible, either. It was a bummer, I'll admit, that I can't even be mad at you, not when you look at me with those eyes. Those eyes that ask for so many questions, searching for answers. Those eyes that show all the vulnerability you hide away. And then I see your lips. I see how they tremble with a question you don't ask, and I want to kiss you. And that's the end of that. I always wind up wanting to kiss you.

"These past few days, I forced myself to believe that you didn't really care about me. I led myself to believe you didn't trust me, not fully anyway, and that you never will. Can you believe I almost gave up? Today, I was ready to leave off to New York for this convention Jake is assing me up about-sorry for the cursing- and then Melissa called me. You'd think that if I already gave up on you, I wouldn't be here." He smiled, "I realized halfway on my way here what I was about to do. I didn't care. I kept driving. And all that was I thinking about on my way here was you. It wasn't really surprising.

When I was driving, I determined myself that I would never ever think of giving up on you. Never again would that thought cross my mind. And I wanted you to see me exactly like when you left. I wanted for you to see that I was fine. You know, to give you the impression that you didn't really hurt me. That you can't really hurt me, when in fact, you can." He sighed, and the tension on his jaw stayed put, "I knew Melissa told you something between those lines, so I wanted to appear the contrary. Then I saw you, Loren. I saw you after five agonizing days and that plan just shot down, and I was vulnerable, and I was hurt, and I wanted to kiss you so bad it took me everything in me to not rush out the car and pull you into my arms."

He flashed me a smile, and his lip was starting bleed down again. I quickly grabbed a hankie from my drawer and pressed it on his lip. Eddie detracted my hand for a moment to look at the cloth. He grinned, "People still have hankies?"

I shrugged, and he sat me on his lap. I curled one arm around his neck and smiled. "I knew a boy once who did. In fact, this is his hankie."

"Ah, that's where it went."

I looked at him, and let his former words sunk in.

"Never ever again will I push you away. And never ever again will I ever leave without telling you. Not that I'll ever leave. These past five days were painful enough."

He kissed my temple, then my nose, then my cheeks, then he found my lips.

"Baby, no matter what my reaction is at first, the more you push me away, the closer I will get to you."

"It's official, you are a sap."

"Only for you," he gave me a lopsided grin, then a wink, "only for you."

Song: "The more you ignore me, the closer I get" by Morrissey

Woopie doo. Yay Leddie. How you liked it?