The fire crackled quietly in the hearth next to where Gaius sat, the aroma of lavender wafting through the air as the man went about his work. His tables were filled as usual with an odd assortment of his things, varying from old books and half-filled bowls to freshly cleaned vials and bunches of herbs waiting to be dried.

On one table sat a brewing potion for Uther's shoulder and on another a sleeping draught that he'd made for Morgana. A small satchel sat off to the side and was partially filled with a mixture of colored glass bottles and sealed jars of salve and a single branch of rosemary for one of the vendors he often purchased from.

Gaius typically favored completing his rounds in the morning so he'd be left to go about his work uninterrupted during the rest of the day, but he'd chosen to wait and carry out those tasks later than usual. Glancing briefly to the closed door at the back, the physician lifted the small pot from off the fire and placed it on his workbench to cool.

Perhaps he was being overly cautious in waiting on his rounds, but Merlin had returned the night before and had yet to leave his room and Gaius found the more time that passed the more concern built within him. Although it seemed that ever since the boy had come into his chambers a few months before, he often worried about even the most mundane things when it was in connection to him.

Lifting the lid of the pot and allowing steam to filter into the air, a tense frown scrunched up the features on the elder's face. He hadn't thought Merlin would return from Ealdor, not after learning what had happened to his mother while he'd been gone. He hadn't worried too much that anything would happen to him, not with the talents the boy possessed, but he'd expected him to stay with Hunith at least for the season.

And yet a few days after his departure he'd returned and he'd not been alone. Arthur, Morgana, and Guinevere had ridden back with him. No one had spoken a word to the other when they'd dismounted, each instead making their way back to their respective homes. Gaius of course had been thrilled to see the boy, but Merlin had spoken very little.

As he unpacked he explained that Morgana and Gwen had gone with him when he'd left and that Arthur had shown up at their camp that night. They'd worked together in training the people and preparing them to fight, and when Kanen returned they had been victorious. The elder had listened quietly, amazed at not only the fact that Ealdor had been protected but that the prince and the king's ward had gone with him to fight.

In the short time that Merlin had been in Camelot, he'd already made quite the impression on Morgana and Arthur, even if the two boys often times found each other to be annoying. And yet despite the victory Merlin had seemed to have other things on his mind, the story he'd told spoken in a somber tone and with barely a hint of pleasure.

Gaius had tried to get more out of him, to get him to talk about Morgana or Arthur, but Merlin had merely shrugged. He'd known that the prince had left not long after the warlock and his mother had, but the boy had led his father to believe that he was going on an extended hunting trip.

"We wouldn't have won without Arthur, so I am grateful he was there. That they all were there." Merlin had finally stated upon the man's pestering, but he'd promptly turned away and headed for his room.

The physician was no fool, he knew that something was going on with the boy, something he was reluctant to share with his guardian, but Merlin had waved off his concerns and flashed him a smile. "I'm just tired, Gaius. Give me the evening to rest and I'll tell you more tomorrow." Then his door had been closed and the man had been left in the silence of his workshop.

Carefully straining the steaming contents of the pot, sweat gathered along the man's brow as he began to combine the mixture with a few of the crushed leaves he had prepared earlier.

Gaius hadn't been too surprised when the warlock had failed in rising for work that morning, from what he'd heard from one of the guards retrieving a potion, all four of them had been weary from their travels. But as the morning progressed the physician was concerned that the boy had yet to come out even for food or water. He had not eaten anything since returning and had failed to mention when he'd last eaten before that.

Clearing a small space on his table between a stack of tomes and the cooling mixture, Gaius prepared a small meal for the boy before allowing his resolve to break, walking towards the boy's door and pushing it open to peer inside.

He knew Merlin was exhausted, that running about all day between the chores Arthur gave him and the errands for the physician left him little time for other things, but the state of his room never ceased to amaze him. He kept Arthur's chambers clean; often times muttering about how careless the prince was when leaving his things just lying about. And yet when it came to his own room he seemed incapable of actually cleaning a single thing.

Dishes lay about on the dresser and near his bed and clothes were strewn about along the corners of his room. His pack and clothes from the trip were spread in the middle of the floor, and even the floorboard that Merlin kept the magical book Gaius had given him was half pried up as if thrown back in a careless haze.

"Merlin?" The man called out, stepping into the room and around the items as he frowned at the floor. Perhaps he should encourage better habits in the boy, though he was unsure of where to even start. "I know you're tired but to sleep the day away in such a manner is a poor way to spend a precious day off." The elder chided, still looking over the mess as he waited for a response that never came. "You ought to at least get up and eat something, I can't imagine you're not hungry."

"I'm not really." A muffled voice came from the warlock as he shifted on the bed, the blanket pulling up higher with his back facing the man.

The response was an uncommon one from the boy as Gaius' brows knit together in question, taking a step closer to his ward. "Merlin? Is something the matter?" He asked as the warlock's head pressed into the pillow.

"No, I'm fine. I'll eat later." His voice was heavy when he spoke, the words catching as the physician neared the bed and stared down at the boy.

"Merlin, sit up." He instructed, watching the warlock's form tense as he remained where he was. There was no doubt in the physician's mind that something was wrong, the night before had been more than enough to lay the beginnings of concern, but the boy was acting far too out of character for his liking. Had he been injured while away? Or had this something to do with whatever he'd been keeping from the man?

"Merlin." He spoke again, a stern tone woven through the warlock's name as the boy finally shifted reluctantly, his movements slow and dragging as he sat up and turned around. Where lively blue eyes normally greeted him was instead a dulled, glassy gaze and red rimmed, swollen eyes. He looked as though he hadn't slept much of the night, his body slouched as he drew his legs towards his chest and ducked his head, refusing to look the physician in the eye.

"Merlin, what's happened?" He asked softly, setting himself at the foot of the boy's bed as Merlin folded his arms on top of his knees and stared down at them in silence. When a few seconds passed without a response the elder turned towards him and offered a small smile. "Missing your mother so soon?" He probed gently as a weak breath shuddered out of the boy.

"It's nothing."

"I can see very well that it's not nothing, Merlin."

"Really, Gaius, it's nothing." He stated, glancing up and flashing him another weak smile that only served to worry the man.

"Tell me." The two words he spoke had the boy's poor facade slipping as he dropped his head and barely shook it.

"There's no point. Talking won't change anything." He mumbled, his hands tightening into fists as a weight settled over the physician.

"What won't it change?" He pressed as the warlock fell silent again. Reaching a hand out and placing it on his arm, Gaius tilted his head towards the boy. "Merlin?"

"The fact that Will is dead." The words were short and cracked, the boy's chest heaving as he drew in a shallow breath.

"I've not heard you mention him before." He said slowly, meeting pained blue eyes as they lifted to look at him.

"He was my friend. We were friends for years, and.." Trailing off, the boy turned his head to the side and blinked quickly. "He knew of my magic."

"He knew?" Gaius stared as Merlin nodded once.

"I was being careless one day, I didn't even know he was there. I just wanted to practice out in the woods and he'd followed me." He murmured, his arms drawing away and tucking in closer to his chest. "He saw me, but he never said a word, never told a soul. We hid it for a while, but we were playing around one day and a tree fell and nearly crushed one of the farmers." A small laugh followed the tale, his shoulders shaking at the movement. "But after that we had to tell my mother and she was worried. Will never would have told anyone, but she didn't want to take the chance. That's why.."

"Why she sent you here." He finished for him as Merlin glanced up, tears gathering in his eyes.

"He was my best friend. And then I left, and Kanen ruined the village."

"You couldn't have predicted that would happen."

"I should've." Merlin scoffed, his hands lifting and running raggedly down his face. "If I hadn't have left then it never would've been so bad. I wouldn't have let it get that way and Will he.. he wouldn't.."

"Merlin-"

"He wanted me to tell Arthur." A shuddering breath rattled out as he leaned forwards, his head lowering towards his knees. "He kept saying that I could fix it all if I'd just use my magic."

"Did he know what Arthur would do if he discovered you? Your secret?" Gaius asked as the boy paused, his lips pressing together tightly.

"I.. I don't think he understood, not really. I think he was angry. Angry I went away, angry I wouldn't stop the deaths. Angry that I left him. And I don't blame him, I should've been there to stop it. It never should've happened in the first place."

"Merlin, you cannot blame yourself."

"Then who is to blame?" He demanded, lifting his head and staring at the man with such a broken expression it made the physician ache to see it. "We fought them off, we protected Ealdor, but Kanen tried to shoot Arthur and Will he pushed him out of the way." His words faded near the end, his eyes closing tightly as a short, mirthless laugh left him.

"He hated Arthur from the second he stepped foot in the village. He thought he was just another royal who didn't care about anyone else, who would rather throw others into the fire than fight himself. But he still pushed him out of the way. He still.. he still took the blame.."

"Took the blame?" Gaius repeated as a look of guilt shifted onto the warlock's face. "Merlin, what did you do?" He asked as the boy ran his fingers over his eyes, his voice hitching as he recalled the events.

"It was getting bad, Gaius. There were too many of them and the people, none of them knew how to fight. Not well enough to make a difference. We were standing near the field watching everything we'd worked for break apart, Will and I, and I.. I.."

"You used your magic." Gaius finished as Merlin nodded.

"And Arthur saw."

"He saw you use magic?" The physician's eyes went wide as Merlin's hand lowered from his face.

"He knew one of us had done it, we were standing side by side when I.. And I-I was going to tell him the truth, I was going to.. But then Will was shot and.. and he lied. He told Arthur that he was the sorcerer, that he'd been the one to gain the upper hand over the bandits." Merlin was speaking faster, the words pouring out of him as his fingers curled into the blanket beside him.

"He lied so that my destiny would stay on track, and I couldn't do anything for him. He was in pain and scared and dying and there was nothing I could do. I couldn't use my magic to save him I couldn't even help to ease his pain he was-"

"Merlin-"

"What's the point of having magic if I can't use it to help the people I care about?" Tears had begun to track down the boy's face while he spoke, his head shaking back and forth. "What's the point if I can't use it for anything worthwhile? I left him, I left my home, and people died. I should've been there or I should have acted sooner. If I'd listened to him, if I'd have just used my magic-"

"If you'd used your magic and Arthur had seen you were the sorcerer, then everything you've done to this point would be thrown aside." Gaius spoke carefully, holding his ward's gaze. "Merlin, you have a great destiny ahead of you, one that is directly connected to Arthur himself. The prince is a good man, and he cares a great deal for you to have followed you despite knowing the trouble that might have arisen with Uther had he known the truth. But Arthur is still unsure of magic. Had you shown your gift, you may have faced more trouble than you know."

Looking away, Merlin quickly wiped a hand across his face as he bobbed his head. "I know.. I know. It doesn't matter anyway."

"It does matter."

"No, it doesn't." He said sharply. "Nothing I say or do will bring Will back or change what has happened. I just.. I need to accept that and move on. I'll be fine. I am fine."

Gaius stared at Merlin in shock, silence lapsing over them as the boy stared at the floor. How had he convinced himself that it didn't matter? That grieving over the loss of his friend was something wrong? A piece of the physician ached at the thought, at wondering if this was the first time he'd lost someone of importance.

"Merlin." He broke the silence as the boy tensed. "Merlin, look at me." Blinking a couple of times, blue hues flickered up to the man who felt his heart break for the boy. "You're allowed to grieve for the loss of your friend." He began, staring intently at him. "You've lost someone you held close, someone that you trusted and feel as though you've failed. That pain isn't something that you can just brush away and wait for it to fade."

Another tear began to track down his cheek and Merlin quickly brushed it away, averting his gaze once more as the physician continued. "It's difficult, and it hurts, but he's not entirely gone. He lives on in the memories that you two shared."

Smiling kindly, Gaius watched as his eyes shut tightly, his chest heaving as he fought against his cries. "You said he knew of your magic?" He asked as Merlin nodded in a jerking manner, a hand rubbing beneath his nose while a hitched breath slipped out.

"It seems as though he was a good friend, loyal and trusting. Someone that you no doubt enjoyed your days with growing up." He went on, smiling a bit more when the boy opened his eyes and stared at his guardian. "What he did for you, Merlin, what he did for Arthur? That just shows how much he cared for you. He protected you, and he was a true friend who died a noble death."

Choking back a sob, a shaking hand covered his face as Gaius reached forwards, a hand resting comfortingly on the boy's shoulder as his body shook, cries finally breaking free as the physician moved closer.

"You've not rested at all, have you?" He asked as Merlin shook his head.

"I can't. Every time I close my eyes I see him there, Gaius. He was in so much pain, and he was so scared and I couldn't do anything for him. Not a thing. And I keep.. I keep seeing him there, over and over. He protected me and Arthur and all I did was fail him when it mattered."

"Now stop that." The man uttered firmly, his hand shifting to the side of the boy's head. "Even the most powerful of sorcerer's have a difficult time with healing spells. But one to save another's life, Merlin, you're still learning. No one expects such things from you yet, and I'm certain that your friend did not either. He knew what he was doing when he pushed Arthur aside, when he admitted to using magic instead of you. He obviously did not blame you and he would not want you to blame yourself."

The warlock didn't respond, though he had stopped trying to hold back as he sunk against Gaius's touch. Time passed in relative silence, broken only by a few murmured words by the physician or the muffled sobs of his ward. He hated to see him suffer through such a thing, though there was no avoiding it.

When the boy had begun to calm and he finally lifted his head again, his face was streaked in tears and his eyes were bloodshot. A look of embarrassment flashed across his face as he wiped at his cheeks and murmured a soft apology.

"Don't apologize for your grief, Merlin." The man stated, moving his hand away and settling it on his arm as tired blue hues looked up at him. "I wish I could tell you that this gets easier, that you won't be forced to deal with these things again. But death, be it unfair or too soon, is a part of life. People you love will leave, even if you wish they would stay."

Smiling sadly, Gaius squeezed his arm as the warlock sucked in a short, hiccupping breath. "Don't push it aside, don't force yourself to not feel that grief. Feel for them, miss them, but most of all remember them. Remember the good things, the great things, and let that be a comfort to you. We cannot live forever in this world, but keep those you hold close in your heart, and they'll live forever to you."

Receiving the smallest of nods in response, Gaius patted his arm and rose, leaving the boy to collect himself as he ventured into the other room. Retrieving a cup of water and searching through the vials he'd left out, the physician grabbed ahold of a purple tinted one and walked back into the boy's room.

Merlin had shifted in his absence, his back propped against the wall and his eyes staring blearily across the room as he huddled in on himself, exhaustion weighing on his slight frame.

"If I hadn't left.. do you think anything would have changed?" Merlin asked softly as Gaius approached him, the cup of water extending out to the boy who took it wearily.

"Your magic has improved greatly since being in Camelot." The physician spoke slowly, the vial he held twisting round in his hand as the boy drank from the cup. "I don't honestly know what might have happened, but I believe that what you've learned and done by being here is what led to your victory in your village."

"Yeah.." He murmured, setting the empty cup off to the side as Gaius offered the vial out to him. "I can't." Merlin shook his head, a glimpse of hesitation striking him.

"You must try and rest, Arthur is unlikely to grant you another day off."

"If I do I'll dream and.. I can't."

Smiling a bit, Gaius placed the vial against his hand and caught the uncertainty in the boy's face. "Perhaps they will be good dreams."

The resolve the warlock had had faded quickly, the vial taken from the elder's hand as he pulled the cork out and drank the contents. Dropping his head and staring at the empty bottle, Gaius began to reach for it when the door to his chambers opened.

"Hello?" A voice called out. "Gaius?"

Frowning to himself, the physician glanced to his ward who continued to stare at his hands, his fingers running over the indentions of the vial as he attempted to keep himself awake.

"I'll be right there!" He called, hesitating a moment before he was reluctantly leaving the boy and making his way into the other room. Waiting near one of his tables was a tall man half dressed in the armor the guards wore. A sword hung by his side, and as the physician entered the room he was greeted with a wide smile.

"Sorry to bother you, but you told me to stop by for that salve for my wife?" He reminded him as he took a step nearer, curiosity evident on his face as he looked around the room.

"Oh, yes, of course." Gaius nodded, glancing about the room for the jar he'd purposely left out the night before. "How is Mira doing?"

"Better! Though she feels awfully foolish, such a silly mistake. I'm grateful for your help, she was worried about missing too much work due to it." The guard rambled on as Gaius searched around, finally locating the small jar and presenting it to the young man.

"There you are. That should help her immensely."

"Thank you." The man nodded his head towards him, holding the salve close as he took his leave and left the physician alone in his chambers once more.

He'd need to do his rounds before it got much later, but he found himself drifting back towards the room where the boy remained. Pausing in the doorway, Gaius stopped at seeing the sleeping draught had finally won out against the stubborn boy, his body stretched across his bed and a peaceful expression across his face.

Walking inside and once more avoiding the various items strewn about, Gaius drew the blanket up over his ward and removed the vial that lay in his partially opened palm. Reaching out, the elder's hand rested gently in the boy's mess of hair while he sighed quietly.

In so many ways Merlin had matured and grown, taking on responsibilities regarding Arthur's safety and his duties as his manservant. And yet in so many others he often forgot that he was just a boy still learning from day to day. His magic had such a long way to go and there were things in his life he'd yet to experience.

The young warlock had so much weighing on his shoulders, so much that he was meant to do and it wouldn't get any easier for him as time went on, in fact Gaius was sure it would only get harder. But he would stay with him, he would do what he could and be there when he was needed.

Merlin was the son that he'd never had, a blessing that had made his life hectic and chaotic beyond belief, but had also brought him so much joy. He only prayed the boy would hold onto the words that he'd said, that he would take some solace in what he could offer. There wasn't much Gaius could do on his path in life, but he'd be there every step of the way that Merlin wanted him to be, no matter what came his way.

A/N

I have so many unresolved feelings about episode ten? Like? Will died, right, and Merlin wasn't really given a chance to grieve that we saw. I mean this is pretty much the first person that Merlin lost and they'd been best friends? Not to mention aside from his mother Will was like the first person to ever know about his magic? Plus the way they acted and talked leads you to believe that they were childhood friends so they'd known each other for years? Yeah, Will was bitter about Merlin hiding his magic but he also protected him? He protected Arthur? He made sure that Merlin's destiny stayed on track? I dunno guys, I just have SO MANY FEELINGS ABOUT THIS.

Also you KNOW Merlin wasn't able to hide it from Gaius because after that kind of thing and leaving his mother again and all that stuff and not really getting to mourn his best freaking friend, you KNOW Gaius was there with the perfect fatherly advice for his boy and agh don't touch me I'm SAD. Writing this one actually made me sad beyond belief. I cried while writing and editing it. So many tears.

Anyway. I hope you guys enjoyed and I'm sorry for my rant. Leave me a comment if you want, I love them with all my heart and soul!