After the last few days of having dealt with Aredian and his hunt for magic, Merlin was grateful to finally have time to relax. More than that, he was thankful to have Gaius back in their home and to be sitting and eating together. Everything was still a mess, with most of the elder's belongings still spread about on the floor and strewn across various tables, but things had finally settled into a deep calm.
At least, they had, until Merlin made the mistake of wanting bread with his meal. In his mind it was an innocent act. Gaius was speaking about replacing the herbs that had been lost and the equipment that was ruined, and the boy hadn't wanted to interrupt him.
So, with a flash of his eyes and the subtle beckoning of his finger, Merlin drew a chunk of bread closer to their table from where it sat across the room. Such an act had not gone unnoticed by the physician however, and the elder stopped midsentence to give his ward a hard look.
"What?" Merlin asked as innocently as he could, glancing briefly at the elder before looking back to the bread that was halfway to their table now.
Gaius merely lifted an eyebrow in response to the question, and the young warlock shifted awkwardly under the pointed stare. "There's no harm in this, is there? There isn't anyone around." He defended suddenly, cutting his eyes back to his guardian as he did. Though really, with how his luck often turned out, the boy should have known better than to tempt fate.
The door to the physician's chambers was pushed open only seconds later, and Merlin quickly dropped both his hand and the bread. The half loaf fell to the floor and rolled to the side as Guinevere poked her head inside and scanned the room until her eyes landed on Gaius' back.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt your meal." The girl apologized as she stepped fully into the room.
"It's quite alright." Gaius shook his head, shooting his ward a warning glance before he rose slowly from his seat. "What can I do for you, Gwen?"
"Oh, it's nothing. Well, not nothing. What I mean is that I'm fine." The maid spoke in a hurried manner, moving with small but quick steps closer to the physician as her dark eyes looked over the room in disbelief. "I'm just so relieved that you're alright."
"As am I." Gaius nodded with a faint smile that sent a pang of guilt stabbing into the warlock's chest.
"I know that the search they did here damaged a lot of your things and, well, I wanted to give you this." Merlin leaned across the table to see as Guinevere lifted a small basket from her side and pulled back a cloth to reveal several bunches of herbs that she had picked and two empty glass vials.
"That is very kind of you, Gwen. Thank you." Gaius' smile turned genuine as he took the basket from her and stepped away to put it on the only other table he had cleared off.
As he did, the maid's eyes met Merlin's and Gwen smiled at him in a way that had him easily returning it. "I'll leave you to your meal, but we're all so very glad to see you back where you belong." Taking the physician's hand and giving it a quick and gentle squeeze, Gwen turned to the door while Gaius settled back at their table.
"Oh," Gwen's body paused suddenly, and the girl was kneeling to pick something up off the ground. "You've dropped your bread."
Her words made the warlock freeze, and the stern look returned to his guardian's face as the maid retrieved the loaf that had rolled partially beneath a table. "Yes, Merlin dropped it just as you came in." Gaius nodded, taking it from her hands while the boy grinned sheepishly.
"You know me, big old klutz." Merlin joked as the girl shook her head with a small smirk before leaving the two alone once again.
Several seconds ticked by in silence as Gaius set the bread heavily on the table and fixed the boy with his stare. "Merlin—"
"That's not my fault, how was I to know she was about to come in?" He defended quickly, lifting his hands up in mock surrender as Gaius frowned.
"It does not matter whether you knew she, or anyone else, would walk in. When will you learn that your magic is not a toy for you to play with? Will it take someone truly dying for it to get through your thick head?" The man's words were unusually harsh, but they rang with truth, and Merlin's head dropped as his eyes fixed on a splinter sticking up from the table.
"I didn't mean for any of this to happen, Gaius." He spoke quietly, and he heard a soft sigh leave his guardian.
"I know that Merlin. You never mean for any of it to happen. But it does, and that's the problem. One of these days I won't be around to take the blame if you slip up. What happened with Aredian must be a lesson that you take to heart." Merlin said nothing as the physician finished, only managing to nod his head as a lump formed in his throat.
Lifting his chin and letting his eyes flicker up to the elder's, a weight pressed heavily against the warlock's chest. A small frown had settled on Gaius' face, which wasn't new, but after the events that had passed, it only made his appearance look all the more different. Dark circles were prominent beneath the physician's eyes, and with his lips turned down in such a manner, it made his face look sunken and weary.
Despite having him sitting there, despite knowing he was safe, Merlin could still see him standing on that pyre. He'd nearly died, and it was the warlock's fault. And it wasn't even that Aredian had gotten lucky, because the witchfinder had been right. Gaius had once been a sorcerer, and both Merlin and Morgana were ones as well. He wasn't being as careful as he needed to be, and if it kept up, someone would die because of his actions.
"Perhaps you should focus your attention on tidying up your room." Gaius' voice cut into the boy's thoughts as the elder rose and began to clear away their meal. "The knights did not hesitate in going through your things in the same manner that they went through mine."
Barely nodding his head again, Merlin pushed away from the table without complaint, finding that his appetite had waned. Climbing the few steps to his room and slipping inside, the door closed quietly behind him as the young warlock took in the state of his messy space.
The clothes had been strewn from his wardrobe and his desk and chair were toppled over. Several of his books and a stack of parchment littered the floor, and the few keepsakes he owned had been tossed to the side. The boy's bed was the only thing that had been righted since the incident, Merlin having fixed the mattress and replaced the pillow and blanket during the brief period that he'd tried, and failed, to sleep.
Turning his back to the door, the warlock lifted his hands and thought of the spell he wanted to use. The words danced right on the edge of his lips, but something made him pause just as he began to utter the words. He could hear Gaius moving around in the room behind him, the sound of broken glass and moving furniture making its way in to him.
Slowly lowering his hands, the boy stared hard at the mess around him before he was kneeling beside a stack of his neckerchiefs that lay in a pile at his feet. Beginning to gather them together, a lump started to form in his throat that he could not swallow away, and the weight against his chest seemed to grow heavier.
The night had a bite to its air, like a winter storm was right on the horizon. A deep darkness fell over the kingdom, and even the stars and the moon were hidden from view.
Merlin's feet padded softly across the courtyard as he made his way towards the looming shadow before him. Wrapping his arms around himself as a chilled breeze pushed back his hair, the young warlock came to a stop in front of his nightmare. A large pyre was built before him, with planks of wood and the odd broken branch constructing what had nearly been his guardian's demise.
Stepping closer until he stood at the edge, Merlin's lips pressed tightly together. Despite the fire never being lit, the air smelled of burnt wood and acrid smoke. And there was something else. Something worse. The smell of burning flesh.
Swallowing down the nerves clawing up his throat, the boy quickly backed away from the pyre and stared at the ground. It wasn't real. It was his imagination. Gaius was safe, in their home, in bed. It was fine. Everything was fine.
Inhaling a deep, albeit trembling, breath, Merlin clenched his hands into fists as a light spread across the ground in front of him. Looking up, the boy prepared for the guards that had finally made their rounds to him. Only the light hadn't come from the torches they often carried, but the pyre in front of him that had begun to burn. It was small at first, with a flame eating through the very bottom of the wood, but it grew larger with every second until the entire base was ablaze.
Stumbling back even more as the wave of heat drifted towards him, another chill wracked through the boy's frame, only this time it had nothing to do with the night's freezing air. Not a single soul was around, yet the fire burned as strongly as if someone had lowered a torch and ignited it in front of him.
Fighting back his fear, Merlin edged another step back and prepared to turn, to leave the pyre to burn by itself and retreat to the safety of his home, but something stopped him. Invisible hands fell on his shoulders and kept the boy still, and as another gust of wind drifted through the courtyard, with it came whispered words that had the hairs on the back of the boy's neck standing on end.
"Your fault."
Unable to stop himself, Merlin's head lifted higher until he was staring back at the pyre, and this time he saw a figure standing in the middle. Bound tightly to the pole sticking straight up in the middle was Gaius, with sweat gleaming on his face and tears falling from his accusing eyes.
Fear wrapped tight around the warlock's heart and struggled up his throat as a panicked gasp fought its way free. "Gaius.." He murmured, the name nothing more than a hoarse whisper as his body trembled. "Gaius!" The name echoed loudly throughout the courtyard, yet somehow, the sound of the fire burning was louder.
Surging forward, Merlin managed to make it only a few paces before the invisible hands returned and held him back. Struggling against the force, the boy kicked and screamed and fought, but spindly fingers dug into his shoulders and his arms, and a weight so strong pushed down on him until he was crashing to his knees.
"No! You can't do this! Let him go!" Merlin begged, feeling tears gathering in his eyes as the flames crept closer to his guardian, eating away the fuel until the fire reached the elder still tied down against his will. All sense of his own safety left the boy as he stopped struggling and instead brought a spell to mind.
"Tídrénas!" As the word left his lips, the flames leapt higher, completely encasing the physician in fire as Merlin's heart hammered on.
"No!" He screamed, struggling even harder against the invisible force. The more he fought the heavier the weight seemed to become, until he was fighting just to remain upright. As the pyre burned bright, another breeze and another chilling whisper swept through the boy's mind.
"All your fault."
Smoke burned Merlin's eyes, and the tears fell even faster as his lungs constricted. "No.. No please, I'm sorry. Please!" He begged, his body sinking into the ground until the palms of his hands dug into the rough stone.
The fire continued to burn bright, but darkness was hanging on the edges of the boy's vision, and an unrelenting weariness he found himself giving into pushed against his slight frame. The smell of burned flesh was stronger now, and nausea churned his stomach as Merlin closed his eyes tight.
"I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry.. I never meant.. I didn't mean for this to happen.."
"Your fault, Merlin."
The whispers were all around him now, swirling inside his head in an unescapable manner as a tightness constricted his chest. Each breath came out in ragged gasps, and spots began to dance along the edge of his vision as the heat crept closer to him.
"I'm sorry.."
"All your fault."
"I never wanted this.."
"Your fault, Merlin."
"I'm sorry."
"Merlin."
"Please.."
"Merlin!"
"I'm sorry.."
"Merlin!"
The warlock woke with a start, his trembling body covered in sweat as he tried to breathe. The pyre was gone, and he was no longer in the courtyard. Instead, Merlin was back in his bedroom, only it felt smaller than usual, and there wasn't enough air.
Digging his fingers into the blanket sprawled across him, the boy gasped for breath as panic and fear constricted his chest. The weight he'd felt from those invisible hands were still there, only now it felt like they were trying to suffocate him.
Sitting forward on his bed, Merlin barely took note of his partially opened door, or the light beside him, at least not until it moved. As a lit candle came into view, the boy's eyes focused steadily on the fire. The flame flickered back and forth, and his next breath was more strangled than the last. He'd woken up from one nightmare just to fall into another, only this time he was the one dying instead of Gaius.
Closing his eyes tightly and trying to block out the fire, he felt a hand tighten on his shoulder. This time however, the fingers did not dig into his skin. Instead, it was a comforting touch, one that moved from his shoulder to his back and moved gently over the top of his tunic.
"Merlin." Prying his eyes open, the boy blinked past the tears gathered in his eyes and looked beside him at where Gaius sat perched on the edge of his bed, a look of genuine concern written across his face. "You were screaming in your sleep." The elder said, placing the candle he held on the nightstand while his other moved in comforting circles as the boy sucked in another gasp of air.
Gaius was okay. He was in front of him, alive, and not caught in the flames of the pyre. Merlin stared in disbelief as the seconds ticked by until finally something inside him broke. The tears began to stream down his face, and another strangled wheeze made his body jerk.
"Breathe, Merlin." Gaius instructed, his voice reaching his ward in a soothing tone as his fingers pressed against the nape of his neck. "You must try to breathe."
"I-I can't." Merlin forced out, another wheezing breath sending a strike of pain through him as his head fell, causing his tears to drip onto his hands. It felt like he was dying, his thoughts were swimming and a pain in his head matched every racing heartbeat as he tried desperately to give his starving lungs the air they needed.
"Yes you can." Gaius encouraged, shifting closer and taking one of the boy's hands in his. Placing the warlock's hand over his heart, Merlin's fingers continued to shake, though he could feel the steady beat of his guardian's heart beneath his palm. "I want you to breathe with me." The elder instructed, holding the boy's hand firmly in place as he took a slow, steady breath in.
Blinking quickly, the boy tried to match it only to sputter a gasping breath back out a second later. "I c-can't." He wheezed, panic binding tightly around his throat.
"Try again." Gaius nodded, refusing to let the boy's hand go as he exhaled and took in another strong breath. Closing his eyes tightly, Merlin felt another tear track down his face as he tried to shove away his streaming thoughts and focus only on the elder's breathing.
It took several tries, but after a few minutes he managed to take in a big enough breath that the pain in his chest eased a fraction. "That's good. Very good. Again." Taking in another breath in time with the physician, Merlin's heartrate began to slow and the tightness in his chest waned.
"You're alright, Merlin." Gaius said after another few minutes passed. Letting go of his hold on the boy's hand, Merlin drew it back into his lap as he blinked away the last of his tears. "You must've had quite the dream to put you in such a state." It was a probing question, and the warlock could feel his guardian's stare burning into him, but the boy didn't want to relive it. Not ever again.
After a moment of silence, he saw the elder's head bob from the corner of his eye, and then felt his hand on his shoulder once again. "If you wish to speak about it, I am here."
Pressing his lips tightly together, Merlin kept his head down as he twisted the blanket around with his fingers. "I'm sorry." He whispered, his voice coming out hoarse as he swallowed thickly.
"You have nothing to apologize for, Merlin. We all have bad dreams."
"That's not it." Shaking his head, the boy dared a glance up and caught the physician's confused stare. "You were almost killed because of me, Gaius. I'm so sorry." Looking back down, Merlin sucked in another hard and fast breath as Gaius' hand stretched forward and his weathered fingers wrapped tight around his ward's wrist.
"It was to keep you safe, Merlin. I do not regret my actions nor my lies."
"But to be up there, to almost die like that because of me—"
"It would have been worth it." The man cut in firmly as the warlock's head jerked up to stare at him.
"No. No, it wouldn't have been." He objected, his breath hitching as Gaius offered a faint smile.
"Yes, Merlin, it would have. Your life is worth a thousand of mine."
"Whatever fate or destiny I have means nothing if—" Before he could continue, the physician lifted a hand and stopped his words.
"It has nothing to do with your fate or your destiny, you silly boy." Gaius scoffed, though a kind smile lined his weary face. "You're dear to me, Merlin. As if you were my own son." Reaching out and patting his arm, the elder's fingers lingered. "And a father would do anything to protect his son, no matter the cost. I would make the same choice I made again and again, so long as you were safe."
Tears began to fill the warlock's eyes again, and without a word the boy was leaning over and hugging Gaius tight. "I'm sorry." He murmured against the elder's shoulder a few moments later, and this time he felt the man nod.
"I know. And it's alright. One day the time will come when I will not be here to help nor protect you, but for now I am still here." Hugging his ward tightly, Merlin felt the physician's hand move to the back of his head as he hugged the boy closer. "I am still here, and I'm just fine."
A/N
I just really, really like emotional nightmare scenes, what can I say? But also, let's talk about the witchfinder episode. Gaius was basically tortured, and was SECONDS away from dying, yet it was all swept under the rug once Aredian died. Like? Do y'all really think that's not gonna affect Merlin even a little? So, this was my over emotional take on the aftereffects.. And I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist some good father/son bonding.
I'm so sorry I left for so long ;-; I just started a new job and got into a relationship and I really haven't been keeping up with any of my writing the way I should. But I've got a schedule going, and if I'm lucky I should be able to upload every two weeks from now on!
Thank you guys for reading and sticking with me, and if you want to leave me a comment I would love to hear from you!