CHAPTER 9

Healing Old Wounds

The evening air was warm as Clare pulled into Drew's driveway, laughter already drifting from the backyard. She stepped out of her car and made her way toward the pool. As she entered the backyard, her eyes immediately scanned the scene. It was strange being back in the familiar surroundings of Drew's house—the backyard pool, the old wicker chairs that had seen so many parties, the string lights flickering overhead as if nothing had changed. Yet everything had changed. And she felt it in the pit of her stomach.

Eli was sitting at the edge of the pool, his guitar in his lap. He was playing a familiar melody, soft, almost like he didn't want anyone to hear it, lost in the strings. She hesitated, unsure if she should approach him or let him be.

Before she could decide, Drew's voice called out from the far end of the yard. "Clare!" he waved enthusiastically. "Come join us!"

Clare forced a smile and walked over to the gathering of her friends. Jenna and Alli sat around a table with drinks in hand, chatting with Bianca, who seemed to be doing her best to avoid eye contact with her. Clare couldn't help but notice the tension between them, even if no one else seemed to acknowledge it.

"Hey," Drew greeted her warmly, wrapping his arm around her shoulder. "You good?"

Clare nodded but couldn't find her words. "Yeah. I'm good. Just got a lot going on."

Drew's face softened, and he squeezed her shoulder gently. "Perfect time to unwind then. Can I get you a drink?"

Clare shook her head. "No. But thanks." she offers Drew a thankful smile, glancing over at Eli. He had stopped playing the guitar and was now watching the group with a look of concern on his face like he just noticed she'd shown up and was surprised to see her. He looked sad, tired with the dark circles under his eyes, yet somehow relaxed- Clare couldn't quite put her finger on it.

Bianca, noticing the direction of Clare's gaze, sighed and stood up. "I'm gonna go check on Eli," she muttered, almost to herself.

Clare watched her for a moment, feeling a strange mixture of guilt and frustration. She had known about Eli and Bianca's past, but seeing them together again stirred something in her that she wasn't sure she was ready to confront. She had been avoiding it, hoping it would just go away. But with her hormones all over the place, she had little control over the ping of pain in her heart.

A while later, Clare sat against the stone ledge of Drew's backyard pool, watching the ripples in the water as they caught the light from the string of fairy lights overhead. The music was softer now, the sounds of laughter distant but still present, echoing through the backyard. It was supposed to be a celebration of old friends reconnecting—but Clare felt disconnected like she was standing on the outside of everything. Her mind was preoccupied, weighed down by all the things she had yet to say and all the emotions she wasn't sure she was ready to face.

She didn't even hear Alli approach until the older woman's voice broke through the fog of her thoughts. "Mind if I join you?" Alli asked gently, her presence grounding and warm.

Clare straightened up, forcing a smile as she nodded. "Of course."

Alli tilted her head, eyes soft with understanding. "You've been a little quieter than usual. Everything okay?"

Clare's smile faltered, and she sighed deeply, the weight of the question sinking in. She was avoiding this conversation, but she knew Alli wouldn't let her off the hook. They'd been through too much together for that.

"I don't know," Clare admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. She ran a hand through her hair, pulling it back from her face, and looked over to Alli. "I feel like everything's... complicated."

Alli studied her for a long moment, then reached out, placing a hand gently on Clare's arm. "Tell me what's going on. I can't fix anything if you don't talk to me."

Clare glanced away, her eyes flicking toward Eli. He was standing near the edge of the pool, talking with Drew, but there was a distance in his posture, an emotional barricade that Clare couldn't quite explain. She had thought that seeing him again would bring her clarity, but it had only made everything more confusing.

"I told Eli about the baby," Clare started, her voice low, as if even speaking his name aloud made the situation more real. "We've barely talked since... And when I saw him today, I didn't know what to feel. Seeing Bianca and him talking doesn't help. it's like the past is colliding with the present, and I don't know how to separate it all."

Alli's gaze softened, and she squeezed Clare's arm reassuringly. "Clare, I know this is huge. It's a lot for anyone to handle. You're dealing with not just the pregnancy, but your whole history with Eli, and the weight of Adam's death. That's not something you can just brush off. It makes sense that you're feeling overwhelmed."

Clare nodded slowly, but the knot in her stomach didn't loosen. "But I don't know how to fix it, Alli. I don't know how to go back to being friends with Eli. Or how to even talk to him about... well, about everything. The baby. The past. I don't know how to begin co-parenting with him.."

Alli looked at her seriously, searching Clare's face. "Do you want him involved?" she asked, her voice steady but full of concern.

Clare's thoughts swirled. She thought of the night with Eli, the way his touch had felt familiar and raw, the way his eyes had searched hers like he was hoping she'd see something in him she hadn't in years. But the feeling was complicated, and she wasn't sure what it meant. What it could mean.

"Yes, but I don't know," she said finally, her voice cracking a little. "I don't even know what that would look like. What if I'm asking too much from him? What if he can't handle it? We all know he's drinking again..."

Clare's words hung in the air for a moment, heavy with all the unspoken fears she had been carrying for weeks. Alli didn't push her. Instead, she just waited, letting the silence settle between them.

"Clare," Alli said after a beat, her voice gentle but firm, "You can't make decisions for Eli. You don't know what he's willing to do or how he feels. But you can decide what you need. And what you're ready to handle."

Clare met her eyes, her throat tight. "But I don't know what I'm ready for. I'm scared. I'm scared I'll screw everything up."

"All I'm saying is, you don't have to figure it all out right now. You're allowed to take your time. But you also have to stop pretending like it's all just going to go away. You need to figure out what's best for you. And that includes deciding what role Eli plays in your life moving forward."

Clare swallowed hard, her mind racing. She wanted so badly to just move forward, to forget everything that had happened between her and Eli, but she couldn't. The connection they shared wasn't something that could just vanish. No matter how much she wanted it to be simpler, it wasn't.

"I'm scared, Alli," Clare confessed, her voice soft. "I'm scared that I'll mess everything up with him, that the baby will complicate things more than they already are. But I can't do this alone. I don't want to."

Alli's face softened with empathy. She pulled Clare into a quick hug, holding her tightly for a moment. "You don't have to do it alone, Clare. Whatever happens, we're all here for you. And you don't have to have all the answers right now. But you've got to take that first step. Talk to Eli. You'll never know what can happen if you don't."

Clare nodded, wiping away a tear that had slipped down her cheek. She didn't have all the answers. She didn't know how to navigate the future. But she did know that Alli was right—she couldn't do it alone.

"I'll talk to him," Clare promised, her voice shaky but resolute.

"Take your time. Do what feels right for you."Alli said, her voice reassuring.

Clare smiled faintly, feeling the first stirrings of something like hope in her chest. Maybe it was time to stop running from the past—and from Eli—and start figuring out how to move forward, no matter how uncertain that path seemed.

As Alli pulled away, Clare took one last glance at Eli, sitting by the pool, lost in his thoughts still even though Bianca sat beside him. Her heart ached, but she felt a little stronger. She didn't have to figure it all out right now, but she could start the conversation. And maybe, just maybe, it would be the beginning of something new.

Eli sat at the edge of the pool, his feet dipped into the cool water, his eyes distant as he watched the ripples move. His mind wandered to the conversation he'd had with Clare earlier—how fragile their future felt and how deeply he feared disappointing her. Being around everyone, the way things had once been, was comforting and terrifying at the same time. He had tried to move forward, to focus on the band, on whatever small steps he could take, but everything kept circling back to the same people, the same unresolved pain.

Clare was nearby at the other end of the pool, talking with Alli, seemingly talking as if the past few months had never happened. But he could see the subtle tension in her posture, the careful distance she kept from him and the way she was trying hard to hide her growing bump.

She caught his eye across the pool, and for a moment, the world seemed to still. Her gaze softened just slightly, but there was no smile, no gesture that would make it feel easy. Eli didn't know what she wanted from him, but he had an overwhelming desire to make things right. To show her that he was there, that he wasn't going anywhere.

Bianca sat quietly beside him as if weighing something in her mind. Finally, she broke the quiet. "Eli? "

Eli frowned. There was something in her voice—something that told him it wasn't going to be an easy conversation. He hesitated for a beat, then nodded. "Bianca."

If one more girl wanted to talk with him he might just run.

"I want to talk about us," she said.

"Bianca," he started, but she cut him off, shaking her head.

"No, let me finish," she said, her eyes locked onto his. "After Clare left... and you were deep in the bottle, too famous for your good- any of you. we... I don't know how it happened, but we got close. Too close." She paused, looking down at her hands as if she was trying to piece together the fragmented memories. "We had this... this thing. Whatever it was. It was messy, Eli. I was confused, and you were hurting. But we both knew it wasn't real. Not like what you and Clare had. And when it ended... well, it ended badly. You know that. Obviously."

Eli froze. He was aware of how he used her after Clare, but hearing it laid out so plainly made his stomach twist in a way he hadn't expected. There was a part of him that wanted to brush it off, to pretend like it didn't matter, but it did. It always had. He was an ass. Used her and tossed her away.

"I pulled away," Bianca continued, her voice softening. "and shut you out. But the truth is, I didn't know how to keep being your friend after everything we went through. And I didn't know how to stay close to someone who had hurt me like that. But eventually, we were able to be friends again. Also obviously to us."

Eli's chest tightened. He knew what she meant. He had always been reckless with his feelings, never truly understanding the depth of how his actions affected others. He had treated Bianca like an afterthought, never realizing how deeply their past had affected her.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice raw. "I didn't know how much I hurt you. I was selfish. I wasn't thinking about what you needed. Only what I wanted."

Bianca met his gaze, her expression softening slightly. "I know and it doesn't bother me anymore at least. It's been a while But- Clare. She's been throwing daggers at me with her eyes since she got here... Really since Adam's Funeral. I think she has the wrong idea about what we are to each other anymore."

Eli nodded, his throat tight. "Yeah, I noticed. I'm sorry, Bianca."

But just as the air seemed to settle, Eli heard footsteps. He turned slightly, his heart quickening as he saw Clare approaching them. Her arms were crossed tightly over her chest, her posture guarded and her bump a bit noticeable under her wet shirt. She didn't look angry—just... still. Her face was unreadable, her expression a mix of curiosity and wariness.

"Speak of the devil." Bianca says.

"I didn't mean to interrupt," Clare said, her voice calm but a little distant.

"No," Eli said, his voice gentle, "You're not interrupting. We were just talking."

Clare nodded, her eyes briefly meeting Eli's before shifting to Bianca.

Eli could feel the tension shift in his chest. The history between them was complicated, especially with Clare, and now that Bianca had opened up to him, he wondered what Clare would make of it.

Bianca looked to Clare, and her eyes softened, acknowledging her presence. "I should go," she said quietly, her voice tinged with an emotion Eli couldn't quite place. She gave him a nod, a brief but meaningful look, and then turned toward the house without another word.

Eli watched her go, a little relieved, but unsure of what to say next. The air between him and Clare was thick with everything left unsaid.

Clare's gaze lingered on Bianca as she walked away. Her arms were still crossed, but there was a visible tension in her shoulders that hadn't been there before. It wasn't jealousy, exactly—it was something more complex, something that stemmed from years of unresolved feelings. Eli could see it in her eyes.

When Clare finally spoke, her voice was calm but heavy. "So, you and Bianca..."

Eli looked up at her, suddenly aware of how close she was standing. The conversation had already shifted, but it felt like they were both on the precipice of something fragile, something they had to be careful with. "Are just friends. She wanted to get some stuff off her chest. Closure, I guess."

Clare's lips tightened for a moment, and she gestured for them to be by the pool's edge again, her gaze on the water. She wasn't looking at him, but she didn't need to. There was no need for pretense anymore, no need to act like everything was fine. They had both been through too much.

"I always knew something happened between you two," Clare said softly, her words tentative, but still biting. "I just... didn't want to face it. Not back then, not when I was still figuring things out myself."

Eli was quiet for a long time, taking in her words. He had expected anger, disappointment, maybe even resentment. But instead, there was a strange sense of understanding in her voice, as if she had already processed it, even before he'd admitted it.

"I should have told you," Eli said, his voice barely above a whisper. "I should have told you when it happened. But I was a coward. I didn't want to hurt you more than I already had."

Clare shrugs, "We weren't exactly talking. Don't sweat it."

Clare turned her head slightly, meeting his gaze for the first time. Her eyes were softer than he expected, no longer clouded with bitterness. But the hurt still lingered, just beneath the surface. "You weren't the only one who made mistakes, Eli," she said, her voice calm, but the weight of the words hung heavy in the air. "I shut you out. I didn't let you in. I didn't know how to deal with what we were becoming at that time... and then I went and got engaged to a man I never truly loved to try and replace the hurt you left in my heart."

Eli's heart clenched as he absorbed her words. He wanted to reach out, to bridge that distance between them, but he wasn't sure how. He wasn't sure if she wanted him to.

"I don't think either of us really knew what we were doing back then," Eli admitted, his voice raw. "We were too young, too messed up. But that doesn't excuse the things I did. I'm sorry."

Clare nodded, and for a moment, there was a silence between them. She looked out at the pool, her thoughts clearly elsewhere, her gaze distant. Finally, she spoke again, the words a little quieter this time, tinged with vulnerability.

"It's hard, Eli. Watching you and Bianca... it brings up a lot of things I thought I had moved past," Clare confessed, her voice shaky. "Especially now, with everything going on... with everything I'm feeling."

Eli's chest tightened. "You mean with... the pregnancy?" He glanced at her, his voice almost hesitant and quiet since they hadn't let the news out to everyone yet.

Clare nodded, but there was a slight tremble to her lips. "Yeah. Everything feels so... overwhelming. And the hormones, the emotions, they're all mixed up. I hate how I feel sometimes, but I can't help it." She looked at him then, her eyes hardening just slightly. "And I hate how much it still hurts when I see you with her. It's like she's always around, and I can't escape that, no matter how hard I try."

"I'm sorry," he said again, reaching out instinctively to touch her arm. "I never wanted to make you feel like that. I didn't know. I never wanted to hurt you."

Clare looked down at his hand, then back at him, her expression a mix of emotions. "You didn't, Eli. Not intentionally. But sometimes... sometimes it just feels like I'm not enough, like I'm never enough, just like back then when parties seemed to take priority, and then I see you with her..." Her voice trailed off, and she shook her head, frustrated with herself. "I don't know... like what we had meant nothing if you got over it so quickly."

"Quickly? Clare... considering how fast my heart beats when I see you, even now, I can tell you it's been a very slow process. If any at all. I don't want you to feel like that, " he said, his voice firm, yet tender. "I care about you. I've always cared about you. And I know I've made mistakes, but I'm here now. I want to be here, for you... for us. Whatever that means."

Clare's eyes softened slightly, but the vulnerability was still there. She gave a small, weary smile. "I don't know what that means yet, but I'm trying to figure it out."

He nodded, understanding. He wasn't expecting answers today, or even tomorrow. But he was willing to wait, to be there for her, no matter how long it took.

"Just know I'm here," he said, his words quiet but full of meaning. "Whenever you're ready."

Clare's gaze lingered on him for a moment longer, and then, with a deep breath, she nodded. There was a sense of peace in her expression, a quiet acceptance. "I know."

The conversation wasn't over, but it felt like a step forward—one that neither of them had expected, but both of them needed. As they sat in silence, the cool evening air wrapping around them, it felt like maybe, just maybe, there was hope for what came next.