Notes: This is what I imagine my Servants do during downtime. As such, it will only feature those I actually have, and thus will accurately reflect my gacha luck. The order in which I obtained them has been exaggerated somewhat, though.

Chapter Summary: Mash guides the Servants through a new move, but one is already trying to quit on her.

FGO: Tales from the Second Archive
An FGO Fanfic by
Nate Grey (xman0123-at-aol-dot-com)
Chapter 1: Apartment? Complex!

"I want to thank all of you for all of your efforts thus far," Mash said, clenching her fist passionately as she gazed around the room at the gathered Servants. "Because of your hard work, we've reached our goal! At long last! We've finally saved enough QP to obtain our dream!"

There was a fake cough, and Mash paused to glare at Beowulf, who raised his hand carelessly.

"I know I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed. And I've taken plenty of blows to the head. Plus I randomly blacked out twice on my way here. But, remind me what our goal was, exactly?"

"A home," Mash snapped. "We've finally purchased an apartment!"

Beowulf blinked. "Wait, that's what we were saving up for? You're going to cram all us Servants into a single apartment?"

"Of course not. We bought an apartment building to cram all of us Servants into. Each Class will get assigned their own floor. Mostly."

"I don't like the sound of that last word, Mash."

"And this is partially why we're having this meeting, so you can voice those concerns," Mash added evasively, turning away from Beowulf.

Beowulf scowled but did not continue to argue. He was hoping someone else would, and was soon proven correct.

"So which Class won't get their own floor?" Ishtar demanded. "I hope you understand that goddesses need plenty of room to-"

"None of you need to worry about that," Mash interrupted. "We've already worked this out. All the standard Classes get their own floor, no exceptions."

"So it's the Extra Classes that get shafted, then," Gilgamesh correctly noted.

"They aren't getting shafted, but since there are so few of them, it's hardly fair that they occupy the same amount of space as our more numerous Classes. I mean, we have one Avenger, there's no way he gets a floor to himself. Even after we illegally apply Chaldea's technology to magically expand the space as much as possible, we need to be reasonable."

All the other Servants stared at Mash.

She glared right back. "Hey, it's a little late to play innocent now. You all signed up for this."

"It's not that," Enkidu disagreed. "Just... make an effort to keep it subtle, shall we?"

"Fine. And in the interest of keeping things subtle, we need to maintain order around here. You are each here because you've naturally risen to the top of your respective Class, due to a mix of your own power and Master's horrible gacha luck. We could do this democratically, but there's really no point: most of you would be elected, anyway, and even if you weren't, Master already considers you the spokes-Servants for the others. All we're really doing now is making it official. Obviously, you can be replaced if a more powerful Servant is summoned, or if you choose to step down, but that seems unlikely at this point."

"I plan to step down as soon as we get someone stronger than me," Beowful was quick to add.

"Well, you can't, you coward," Mash hissed.

"You got no idea what I put up with! I don't see you trying to lead a bunch of ultra aggressive men that resent you solely because they share your Class. Or are you hiding a bunch of Shielder guys somewhere? I am the only male Berserker and my life is crap because of it. Do you even know what time of the month it is?"

Mash's eyes narrowed. "If you're about to say what I think you're about to say-"

"Yeah, I'm going there. Chacha claims there's a moon ritual-"

"No, no, no, you better not be saying-"

"-Where everyone has to buy her sixty presents a day!"

Mash paused. "Wait, what?"

"Yes! We're all broke, and that little vixen will keep us that way! Even the other Berserkers can't stand her! So the second you get some poor sap dumb enough to lead them, I'm out of here!"

Mash blinked. "Um. Okay. Beowulf's pending retirement is approved."

"What, just like that?" Enkidu asked in surprise.

"Hey, we don't want to deal with Chacha here, either. Even I feel sorry for the big lug. Unless the Lancers are volunteering to-?"

"No," Enkidu said quickly. "Was only curious. No problems here."

"Anyway," Mash continued. "Until further notice, you will each be recognized as the Boss of your Class. To help you maintain order, our sole Ruler and the Berserkers will act as our security force. It's not exactly ideal, but for the time being, it's what we've got. I'm counting on you to help encourage the fear of being bludgeoned into submission."

"And trust me, the only thing I'll be doing is pulling that pack of feral women off of you when I think you've had enough," Beowulf added. "I'm not the one you should fear. In fact, if I turn up dead before I can retire, it was definitely them that did it."

"I trust the meeting went well?" Shirou Kotomine asked, pasting his most charming smile on his face.

Mash ignored him and sat down, her focus more on the steaming teacup in front of her. "Why would you trust that?"

"Because I didn't need to be there. You only ask me to attend when you expect a fight. Beowulf may be suffering from multiple concussions, but the man can sniff out a fight from a mile away."

Mash paused. "How is he doing, really?" she asked softly. "He actually announced his intent to retire."

"Oh, don't let him fool you. It's all stress. Give him a month off, and he'll be fine. Though, I am sure that someone tried to kill him yesterday... but it was Chacha, and she tried to do it with a sixteen hour-long shopping spree. Which reminds me, we're going to be broke soon if she keeps that up. We need to find cheaper ways to spoil her. Free ones would be even better."

"Any ideas?"

"For Chacha, no. For Beowulf, the time off. I should tell you, he's been bunking with me, as most of the assassination attempts happen while he's asleep. And it's definitely the Berserkers only, the Assassins understand exactly how vital he is to our success, they'd never kill him."

"And the Berser-girls don't understand that?" Mash asked.

"They're convinced they can do the job without him. And they may not actually be wrong, but it's the principle of the thing, he's been with us for so long. Even if we are going to replace him, it should be because he retired, not because he was betrayed. Perhaps this would go more smoothly if we had a female Berserker that was stronger than the others, and didn't want him dead."

"Fat chance of that," Mash sighed. "Any other issues?"

"Nothing that can't wait."

"Pretend I don't want to wait."

"If you insist," Shirou responded. "Ishtar and Gilgamesh are still fighting over who the lead Archer is, but Ishtar is the only one that ever shows up for meetings. Both refuse to take a backseat to the other, and the only thing they agree on is that they're the most powerful Archers, so they won't listen to any others. Ishtar can be bought off, but actually convincing Gilgamesh to part with his treasures, even to make her more manageable..."

Mash frowned. "We tell them both that they're actually the Boss Archer, while secretly treating them as co-leaders. If one gives an order, we only halfway honor it, and blame it on the other one."

"They'll never stop fighting."

"And they were never going to stop in the first place, which is why we're in this situation at all," Mash pointed out.

Shirou seemed impressed. "There's also an urgent issue with the Casters."

"Are they fighting each other?"

"The exact opposite. Between Caster Gilgamesh's resources, and Irisviel pulling rare artifacts out of thin air, their combined spellwork is amazing. Worse, everyone knows it, and Caster of Midrash has started selling their spare enchanted equipment at ridiculous prices. Which wouldn't be awful if she was selling to anyone other than our own Servants."

"C-Gil promised that he could control her."

Shirou rolled his eyes. "And he has. He still has all of his money. It's everyone else that's losing theirs. You should have been more specific."

Mash tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Do you think Irisviel would be morally opposed to creating money or bootleg versions of items?"

"As she's already involved in the aforementioned scheme, no. But I'll stress that this will ultimately benefit her family, anyway. That'll only work for so long, though. She's very clever."

"And, for some reason, she often expects you to lie to her. It's almost as if she doesn't trust priests. Or doesn't trust you, anyway."

"You think so? But she never turns down my invites for tea."

"She probably only wants to keep an eye on you."

Shirou gasped dramatically. "What, now you don't trust me, either? I'm truly hurt, Mash."

"You may not officially have a charm skill, but Master permanently equipped me with an anti-charm CE, and when I asked why, he laughed. You're not fooling me."

"I'm sure that was to protect you from some other Servant-"

"You're the one I spend the most time with. And I'm starting to think the real reason Master selected you to lead the security team was less because you're a Ruler, and more because he thought you could charm almost anyone into submission."

"That is a baseless assumption."

"Shirou, did you not tell me three minutes ago that Beowulf was bunking with you? Was that his idea? Or was he going to camp in the woods somewhere until you suggested otherwise?"

"I was merely aiding a fellow Servant-"

"-by using your supposedly non-existent but massively effective charm skill which isn't limited by the target's gender. Convincing Beowulf to sleep inside at all without fighting him is proof enough of that. Mind you, I'm not saying you shouldn't have done it, only that you'll never convince me you can't charm, if you keep easily accomplishing things that a charmer would. Also, thanks."

"You're welcome," Shirou replied, but he did not seem fully satisfied.

"Don't look at me like that. I could have suggested to Master that you should be able to charm all of the Berser-girls at once with no help. You annoy me, but you have your uses, and I prefer you in one non-bleeding, non-agonized piece. Be grateful."

"I think this overseer job has hardened you, Mash, and not in a good way."

Mash smirked. "That is a baseless assumption."

"Okay, some new business to take care of," Mash said, frowning at the assembled Servants. "Master has changed my off-duty class from Shielder to... um..."

"Say it," Shirou chuckled, grinning hugely.

"Apart-Mom," Mash muttered. "I'll be the one you come to if you have any apartment issues not related to security. Anyway, Shirou has been appointed... um..."

"Say it," Shirou insisted.

"Apart-Dad," Mash growled. "As previously mentioned, he'll be in charge of apartment security for the time being, plus he will settle any disputes between two or more Servants. And I guess if you're willing to risk your soul, he can advise you on religious matters."

"Hey!" Shirou protested, glaring at her.

Mash ignored him. "I'll now review the floor assignments. Ground floor is reserved for Berserkers. Second floor is Sabers. Third floor is Archers. Fourth floor is Lancers. Fifth floor is the designated common area, where any Servants are allowed to hang out. Sixth floor is Assassins. Seventh floor is Riders. Eighth floor is Casters. Ninth floor is Extras. Tenth floor is the conference area, where we will hold these meetings from now on."

"So you're with the Extras, Mash?" Ishtar guessed.

"No. I don't ever sleep, so I don't need a living space."

This drew several concerned looks.

"Um, Mash, I think you mean you rarely sleep-" Enkidu began.

Mash shook her head. "The last time I went to sleep, when I woke up, everything and everyone around me was dead, mostly. So I don't do that anymore."

"How is that even possible? Even if you only drank coffee or soda or energy drinks-"

"If by 'drank' you mean 'inject all three directly into my veins every hour", then: Yes."

Enkidu stared at her in horror.

Mash calmly checked her clipboard. "Oh, and a bit of good news. Thanks to our recent Halloween event grinding, we've got some new Servants incoming. One is an Extra, which Shirou will handle, but the other is an Assassin. Jack, I'll be counting on you to make her feel welcome."

"Yes, okaa-san!" Jack the Ripper chirped, raising her hand, which was holding a butcher knife, and stained with a substance that was sticky, red, and not at all close to being raspberry jelly.

"And that concludes our Weekly Boss Meeting and Pancake Breakfast. Be sure to thank Medusa for suggesting strawberry syrup, seems like it was a big hit."

Next Chapter: Limited Discount

Mash attempts to take advantage of a sale at Da Vinci's shop. Results vary.

Endnotes:

Since I started playing, Heracles was the Berserker I wanted the most. Instead I got Beowulf and lots of girls. Who, while they have proven massively useful at bulldozing my way through nearly everything, I can't imagine get along too well with Beowulf. And by the time I actually got Heracles, I was pretty much set for Berserkers, and barely use him at all now.

If it needs to be said, anyone whose True Name needs to be unlocked by quest progression? There's a reason why I don't use the unlocked name, and I think it should be obvious why.

Servant Spotlight!

Name: Mash Kyrielight
Nicknames: Monster Mash, Mash-ter
Class: Apart-Mom (official house mother of the apartment complex)

Equipment:
Clipboard: A black, suspiciously heavy clipboard that she alone has no trouble lifting, or whacking Servants with as needed.
Unlisted CE: It makes her extremely resistant to charm skills.

Class Skills:
BS Resistance: A
Lies told to her have 90 percent failure rate.
Management: B
She has an air of authority, as well as actual authority granted by Master. Servants in general at least respect her, but the more powerful ones may challenge her when angry, or bored.

Personal Skills:
Party All the Time: EX
A constant injection of coffee, soda, and energy drinks keeps her eternally awake. She seems to outwardly suffer no ill effects, but has been known to get... snippy.

Noble Phantasm:
Lord Clipboard: B+
No one who has been struck in the head by it has any memory of it, so at the very least it causes significant amnesia.

Preferences:
Favorite Servant: Marie Antoinette, because she's always pleasant and clean.
Least Favorite Servant: Anyone who doesn't clean up after themselves.
Partner in Crime: Shirou Kotomine, but she has little say in that.
Hobbies: Reading, resisting the urge to whack Servants, taking "practice" swings with her clipboard.
Personal Quote: Time spent complaining to me is better used pretending I didn't hear you.

Name: Shirou Kotomine
Nicknames: Amakusa, Landlord, Complex Savior
Class: Apart-Dad (head of the apartment security team)

Equipment:
Black Key(ring)s: Keys to every room in the apartment complex. Also vampires hate them.
Cross Fit: Always has at least ten crosses on his person. Also vampires hate them.

Class Skills:
Management: A
Naturally good at herding rowdy Servants. Not afraid to start (or end) a fight to make a point.
Golden Rule: B
A big believer in returning the type of behavior one first gives to him.

Personal Skills:
The People's Saint: A
People can't stay mad at him. Except Mash.
Priest of Questionable Authenticity: C
He is a priest, but there is consistently evidence to the contrary. Apparently it runs in the family.

Noble Phantasm:
Excommunication Notice: EX
He has the power to exile a Servant from the apartment complex, if the situation demands it. And he would honestly prefer to beat the relevant lesson into them, instead. But some cannot be saved, indoors.

Preferences:
Favorite Servant: Mash, because if he manages to charm her, it'll be despite her resistance.
Least Favorite Servant: Anyone who disrupts the order of the apartment.
Partner in Crime: Mash, because she has no say in it.
Hobbies: Praying, mediating, memorizing Seth Rollins promos, jogging with the Berser-girls.
Personal Quote: All Servants have the right to a trouble-free home. If you disagree, you are welcome to discuss it at length with my fists.