Chapter 9

Rachel pulls out scarves, fretting over which one to wear. Kurt sits on her bed and watches. She holds up a green one.

"Green?"

"No. You don't want to wear that shade of green on tv." Kurt says. "Go with the purple."

By this point, her brother has seen her bald. She pulls of her beanie and lets him wrap a purple scarf around her head. Rachel's face scrunches up.

"I look like Professor Quirrel!"

Kurt bursts out laughing. "Oh, so you have Voldemort emerging from the back of your head?"

She yanks it off. "Not this one."

"Fine. What do I know, I've just been in the fashion industry for years." He comments flippantly.

"Shut up and help me."

"I am! You keep vetoing all my ideas!"

She tries a glittery one with sequins but complains she looks like a physic or fortune teller. Brother and sister bicker a little longer before finally settling on one. Kurt helps her create an entire outfit around it that looks nice but will also keep her warm. Temperatures are dropping and she's always cold as it is.

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When she gets to the studio, they have her meet the hosts backstage beforehand. She gets why and is fine with it. Finn is allowed to stay with her backstage but the rest of her family is seated in the audience already. Kayla and Kyle enter her dressing room.

"Hi, Rachel!"

"Hi!" She smiles warmly and gives them the moment they need to get used to her appearance. Thankfully the makeup people have already done their work. Thanks to them, she doesn't look quite as pale.

"We're so glad you're able to do this. And don't worry, if you need a break just let us know."

"Thank you."

Kayla nods. "You're the only guest scheduled for this segment, so you can take all the time you need to answers questions or rest. Okay?"

"Okay."

"And if there's anything you don't want to answer, you can just say that and we'll move on."

"I appreciate it. I do have one request."

"Go ahead."

"I had a moderate attack yesterday and I'm still pretty weak from it. I'm going to need my husband to help me walk out there. Can you not start recording until I'm already seated? Would that be possible?"

Kyle and Kayla look at one another before Kyle turns back to answer her. "Absolutely. It's not a problem."

"Yeah, we can start by talking about what AA is before you come out instead of after, show the pictures of you performing that were sent over, then introduce you and say we'll have you with us after the commercial break. Then cut and start with you already sitting with us instead of walking out. How does that sound?"

"It sounds good. Thank you."

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"Our guest today is one we've had on the show before and we said we wanted her back. Well, we got very lucky and have her back today. Today's episode is special. She is our only guest today."

"You may know her from playing Fanny in Funny Girl." Kyle grins and there are some applause and cheers from the audience. They clearly already know who it is.

"Or from playing Elphaba in Wicked." Kayla tacks on. The applause here is louder and stronger.

"Or both!"

"Rachel Hudson is a young and fairly new star to Broadway. We've already read a few articles that refer to her as a Broadway Princess."

"We're assuming princess and not yet queen because of her young age and limited experience on the stage."

"But it's a well earned title. She owns whatever stage she is on and is loved by her audiences."

"The last time she was on with us she had just won a Tony award for her role of Fanny. She also used that time to announce that she was leaving Funny Girl and would soon be picking up the mantle of Elphaba in Wicked."

"She did an amazing job as Elphaba."

"She really did."

"Unfortunately, her tenure as the green witch was cut short."

"When she was last on our show, she told us about how she had a rare blood disease as a teenager that was life threatening and had no cure. She also said she had been in remission for four years. This past June marked her five year anniversary of being in remission."

"But early that same month, she relapsed. She is here today to tell us more about it and talk about her experiences being sick both as a teenager and now as an adult. Before we bring her out, we're going to play a video from her doctor explaining the illness in basic terms."

They play a video of Dr. McCann sitting in his office behind his desk talking about what AA is, how serious it is, the symptoms, stages, and treatment. He also explains how rare it is and how difficult it is for anyone who has it. Then he goes into Danton's, explaining about the attacks. When the video ends, the hosts turn to the cameras.

"When we come back from commercial, we'll have Rachel Hudson here with us. Stay tuned."

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Rachel leans on Finn's arm as he guides her out onto the studio floor. Even though they're not recording, she gets unprompted applause from the audience as she walks out. She smiles and waves, trying not to feel awkward. She glances at her mom and other family smiling at her and feels better. Recalling what her mom suggested, she lifts her head and makes sure she appears confident. The hosts are smiling warmly waiting for her. Finn helps her sit in the chair, kisses her lightly, then heads to his seat with the rest of her family. Yero takes his place lying down beside her seat.

"Everything takes longer these days." She says with a rueful smile.

There are quiet chuckles from the audience.

"Hey, we have time. You're our only guest today." Kyle says kindly.

Kayla points to a mug in front of her. "This water is for you. You can drink whenever you need to and we can get you refills if necessary."

"Thank you."

"Alright, are you ready?"

She nods. The camera man counts down, then points to them.

"Welcome back. We are thrilled to have Rachel Hudson with us." Kyle begins. "Our episode today is about Aplastic Anemia to bring awareness to the rare blood disease, to help raise money for a cure, and to learn what it's like to live with."

Kayla takes over. "We are lucky enough to have her here to tell us about her experience being sick, both past and present."

"So Rachel, welcome and thank you for joining us today."

"I'm happy to be here."

"We're happy to have you here, but we were very sorry to hear about your relapse."

"Thank you."

"And we're happy to have this handsome lad with us!" Kayla gushes, looking down at Yero. "Can you introduce us to him?"

Rachel smiles. "Of course. This is Fiyero." When there's the expected laughter, she grins. "I know, I know. I got him and named him when I was sixteen."

"So you've always loved Wicked?"

"Very much so." She laughs. "I mostly call him Yero, though. He is my service dog."

"Can you tell us what services he provides?"

"His main job is to alert me to an incoming attack. He can sense moderate and severe attacks before they hit so that I have time to sit down so I don't collapse. Sometimes he alerts me to mild attacks, but not always. During attacks, he either stands over my legs so I can lean my upper half on him, or, assuming I'm already being held by someone, he rests his head on my stomach to monitor my breathing and barks if I go too long without breathing. Other than that, he fetches things for me, he can open and shut most doors, he can turn lights on and off, and he can complete other small tasks."

"That's awesome."

"When you got him at sixteen, was he your service dog then? Did you get him as a service dog?"

"No. At that point, I was stage four and I had just….well, I had just beaten death. I'd literally been on my deathbed and told I wouldn't survive, then I did. But I still had a battle ahead of me. I had to go through a very long, very painful treatment. My mom bribed me by offering me a puppy."

"Bribed you?"

"I didn't want to do it. The treatment was going to be extremely painful. I knew it'd help make me better, but I had already suffered so much. I didn't want to go through any more pain. But I promised my family I would do it for them. And for the promise of a puppy."

"And that's how you got Yero?"

"Yes. While I was in the hospital, my uncles were out scouring the state for a puppy for me. We knew I was getting better, but we didn't know how long it would take for me to go into remission. If at all. And once in remission, we didn't know if I'd relapse or not. So my family chose a puppy that could just be my puppy, but who could easily be trained to be a service dog for me if the need arose."

"And then the need arose." Kyle says grimly.

"Yeah. It did. We started training him right away to alert me to attacks and fetch things, but overall he was just my puppy at that time."

"So now, this time, you have been sick for about six months, correct?"

"I have. I found out I relapsed at the very beginning of June, the same month that marked my fifth year of being in remission."

"That must have been so hard." Kayla says sympathetically.

Rachel nods. "It was a shock. I was furious and scared."

"Furious?"

"That I have to go through it again for a third time. That all my dreams that had nearly been in my grasp are being yanked away. That my loved ones will have to go through it again. I was furious."

"Are you still angry?"

"A little, yeah. Now, though, I'm fully focused on fighting this and surviving."

"I'm sure that wasn't the only emotion you felt." Kayla pushes. "You mentioned being shocked and scared, too."

"The anger came last. First was shock. I'd been perfectly healthy for five years and then suddenly…suddenly I wasn't. So shock was first. Then, realizing I was sick again, I was devastated. I cried a lot for the first few days. Realizing that being sick again meant going through it all again and losing out on plans I'd been making for my future….I was furious. But with my family's support, I've worked through those emotions. I'm still angry, upset, and scared. But now it's more manageable. Now, those emotions aren't overwhelming. Now, I'm feeling more settled emotionally, and am focused on getting better."

"We're happy to hear that."

"They caught it stage one, correct?"

"Yes."

"And now? Are you still stage one?"

"No. Right now, I am in stage three." There are gasps and murmurs from the audience. The host's expressions fall. "Since this is my third time facing this, the illness is more aggressive. But that also means my doctor is being more aggressive. In my first diagnosis, I started getting treatments once every other week. As I got worse, they changed it to weekly treatments. Then to twice a week treatments. This time, since it's my third time fighting it, they started me at twice a week treatments. We did that for two weeks and my numbers didn't change. So they inserted a chest port and we continued the twice a week treatments."

Rachel pulls down the collar of her sweater just enough to show the chest port. It feels awkward to do in front of an audience and cameras, but she didn't have to pull it down far. It's just under her collar bone.

"The chest port is so they don't have to insert a needle into your arm twice a week, right?"

"Right. This cuts down on needles, which I'm happy about. It makes the treatments easier and a little safer."

"Have you been getting twice a week treatments this whole time?"

"No. My numbers started dropping. When I dropped to stage two, my doctor insisted we start the preparations for a bone marrow transplant. That's when I started chemotherapy, which made me lose my hair." She lightly touches her scarf.

"So treatments for AA don't cause hair loss?"

"No. Only chemo, which if you have AA, you only get if you're going for a bone marrow transplant."

"And the transplant is sort of a…" Kayla hesitates to finish her sentence.

Rachel calmly finishes it for her. "A last resort, yes. Sort of."

"When is the transplant scheduled for?"

Rachel takes a deep breath. "It's—it's not anymore. I was supposed to be doing chemo this week, then have next week to rest and recuperate, then be admitted to the hospital the following week to start the transplant."

"What changed?"

"I dropped to stage three. My doctor said if we kept going with the current plan, I wouldn't live long enough to actually do the transplant. So we stopped the chemo and I'm now back to my normal AA treatments. Once I get my numbers back up to stage two, I'll do more chemo. Then I'll be admitted to the hospital and then do the transplant."

"We hope that happens quickly."

There's supportive applause of support from the audience.

"Thank you."

"I'm assuming you have a donor lined up?"

"Yes. My youngest cousin is my donor. He and his brother demanded to be tested and Oliver came back a match."

"That's wonderful!"

"It is. He's thrilled to be able to help out."

"What happens after the bone marrow transplant?"

"A long recovery." She says with another rueful smile. "The donated bone marrow could immediately absorb into my own marrow and start making new red blood cells. Or it could take days. Or weeks. Or months. Or not at all. We have no idea how long it'll take for it to work or how well it'll work. If it works quickly and well, I'll be in remission soon." There's applause for that. "If it doesn't, I may need some more treatments before going into remission. If it doesn't work at all…..I don't really know. I probably won't survive. My doctor and I haven't discussed that yet. But no matter what, I'll be in the hospital for several weeks, then home on bed rest for weeks or even possibly months."

"Hopefully it'll work well and fast."

"Hopefully." She agrees quietly. "I don't really do well with bed rest. I get antsy."

That has them chuckling again. Rachel had been relieved to get here on time. She'd had Ana tell them to schedule it to start as late as possible in the morning to give her more time to get up and ready. That helped. Still, she'd struggled to wake up, as usual, and was slow moving once she was. She made it in time. But now, she's feeling the affects of being up for this long. She's starting to tire. Rachel picks up the mug of water sitting in front of her and takes a long drink. She hopes no one notices her hand shaking slightly while putting the mug back down. She's so focused on making sure she sets the mug down gently, without being obvious how tired and weak she feels right now, that she misses the look her hosts share.

"We appreciate you being willing to talk to us about this." Kyle says.

"Yes, we know it's a difficult topic."

"It is." Rachel says. "But it's a rare disease and I think more people need to know about it. Others who have it should know they're not alone."

"That's wonderful."

"We were informed that you started a program that connected people who have AA."

"It was my idea, but others did the hard work of actually setting it up. All I did was put it into motion. My loved ones started throwing a benefit to raise awareness of AA and money for a cure during my first diagnosis. Every June we hold a benefit back in Ohio where we all sing and dance. It's us, the ones who started it, and the new members of our old high school's glee club, plus the members of my mother's glee club, and any other that wants to join. All proceeds go towards the cure. It's a lot of fun for everyone and we raise more and more money every year."

"It's in person?"

"Yes. But it's also virtual. We also share it online and people can watch it live online and donate money online."

"That's great!"

"It is, but I realized it's not enough. AA is a rare disease, but thousands of Americans have it. I had never even heard of it before I had it. I realized that many people diagnosed with it don't have other people with it to turn to. So I suggested we make an online community."

"Do you use it?"

"Not really. I check in once in a while, but I was lucky enough to be surrounded by friends and family. I have a huge support group and always have. So while getting to talk to other people with AA is nice, it's not needed for me. But I know it is beneficial for others."

"We understand there is going to be another benefit coming up soon." Kayla says with a smile.

"Yes." Rachel smiles back. "I found out about it just last week. I got a call from Jesse St. James."

"He's your friend who plays Fiyero, right?"

"Right. He's kept in touch with me since I stopped playing Elphaba. He called me up the other day and said 'hey, I had an idea.' And he basically told me he wants to do another benefit. He wants to hold it between Thanksgiving and Christmas and make it more of a holiday theme. He thinks people will be more generous with donations around the holidays."

"That's fantastic! Where will it be held?"

"Here in New York in an available theater. Jesse didn't share many more details with me yet. He just wanted to make sure he had my approval and support before confirming anything. He made sure he had other performers who want to sing at it and he said he was surprised by just how many Broadway stars are happy to participate. People we've never met."

"Will you be there? I mean, it's basically for you, right?" Kyle asks.

"It depends. If I start the bone marrow transplant before then, then no, I won't be there. If I haven't yet, then whether or not I go and whether or not I sing will depend on how I'm feeling on the day of. And while I know this benefit is because of me and sort of for me, it really is for everyone who has AA and everyone who may one day be diagnosed with it."

"How close are they to a cure?"

"They're on human trials, which is great, but they're still years away from it being approved and released. And they could still use more money for paying the people in the trial, paying the scientists and doctors, actually making the medicine, then advertising and selling it once it's approved by the FDA. Our benefit that we started is free to attend and we ask people to donate what they can. This benefit, since it's going to be mostly Broadway stars singing at it, will require people to purchase tickets to attend. The money from ticket sales will go towards helping cover the cost of the venue, then the rest is for the cure. Then anything extra people are willing to donate will go towards the cure. I believe he said they'll be recording it and are trying to get it aired on tv so anyone can watch it and donate from home, but they haven't gotten approval yet."

"Well once the benefit is announced, you can count on Kyle and I to be there."

"Thank you."

"Alright, folks," Kayla faces the camera, "when we come back after commercials, we'll learn about her first time facing this as a teenager. Right after this."

The light on the camera goes off and the hosts relax a little. Kyle turns to her. "Would you like a break before we go on?"

She'd like to go to bed. If she takes a break, she'll end up falling asleep and won't wake for a while. She really wants to keep going. This isn't just about telling her story. This is about informing the public about AA, letting people with AA know they're not alone, and she hopes that raising awareness will help get more donations towards the cure. She considers Kyle's offer, then shakes her head.

"I honestly don't feel up to walking off this stage area. If I could just sit quietly and drink my water for a few minutes, I'd appreciate it."

"Of course."

Kayla stands. "I'm gonna use this opportunity to run to the bathroom."

Kyle waves to Finn, who takes Kayla's seat next to Rachel. He grabs her hand. She smiles at him. Thankfully he knows her well enough to know that she's tired and needs a break but also feels weird just sitting quietly with people watching her. He starts talking to her quietly. Her parents and brothers start talking casually in the audience. Luckily, the rest of the audience begins talking amongst themselves. Rachel sits quietly and listens to Finn talk. She sips her water and knows it won't be enough. She needs to sleep. Or at least some coffee. After a couple minutes of sitting quietly, she interrupts Finn by laying her hand on his.

"They offered me coffee when I first got here. I said no, but now I could really use it."

"You're supposed to limit caffeine." He reminds her.

"I know. But I'm struggling here and I want to finish this. If you can get me some coffee now, that'll keep me going until this is over. I'll sleep the rest of the day, I promise." As if that's a choice.

Kyle, who is still sitting next to them and texting on his phone, overheard and looks over now. "I can go grab you coffee."

"Thank you."

"Uh…half a cup, please."

Rachel rolls her eyes but nods her agreement. He comes back quickly with a small cup of coffee. She drinks it quickly, knowing they need to get back to filming. No one says anything to her. They let her finish her coffee in peace. Only when she hands the empty cup to Finn does someone come over and take it from him and direct Finn back to his seat.

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"Are you ready to continue?"

"I am."

They gave her a nice long break. Between that and the coffee, she's feeling better. Kayla and Kyle retake their seats. The camera man signals to them and they nod.

"Welcome back. Rachel, thank you for telling us about what you've been going through. Is it similar to the previous times you were sick?"

"Similar, but not the same." She admits.

"What's different?"

"My first time fighting this, the symptoms slowly increased in severity over months. I slowly dropped stages. Moderate attacks came every two to three weeks. It was predictable. It was rough, don't get me wrong, but the predictability was comforting. I knew it was coming and could prepare myself emotionally. The second time I was sick the symptoms came sooner and were stronger, but I had less frequent attacks. I liked that the attacks were less frequent, but hated that they were unpredictable. This time…this time, everything is different. Even though I had five years of being healthy and strong, my doctor explained that my foundation is cracked. And relapsing widened that crack. Everything is happening faster and harsher than before."

"What's the worst symptom?"

"Fatigue. I'm always tired. Some days are worse than others, but they're all rough. I get headaches, dizziness, migraines, nausea, I throw up frequently, and I've had nosebleeds and even my gums bleeding. But the fatigue remains the worst."

"What about the attacks?"

"I get mild attacks nearly every day. I haven't had a severe attack yet, thank God, and hopefully I won't. I've had several moderate attacks. They don't seem to be following any sort of schedule like they did the first time. They're frequent, like the first time, but unpredictable like the second time. It makes it harder to deal with."

"Right, because you truly have no idea when severe pain will hit."

She nods.

"So one could hit at any moment?"

"Yes. Which makes leaving home hard. I try to avoid it. Partially because between all the medications I'm on my immune system is shot. Partially because I'm just so tired that going far from home is hard on me. But mostly because I'm afraid of attacks hitting in a less than ideal place."

"What sort of places have you had attacks besides at home?"

Rachel laughs lightly. "Including every time I was sick?" At their nod, she starts listing them off. "At home, at relative's houses, at friend's houses, at school, in the car, at the park, at the mall, in a grocery store, at the clinic, in the hospital, in a taxi, and at my doctor's office."

"Wow. So you've had a lot of attacks?"

"Many. Too many."

"Okay, take us back. Tell us about your first diagnosis. How old were you?"

"I was fourteen. It was November of my sophomore year of high school. I turned fifteen a month later."

"Wait, it's November now. Your birthday is next month?"

"It is, yes."

"How old will you be?"

Assuming she survives the transplant…."I'll be 24."

"Do you have any plans?" Kyle asks, then realizes how that could potentially be upsetting and stammers. "I-I mean—"

She smiles at him. "It's fine. My plan is to sleep." There are subdued chuckles from the audience at that.

"Well, happy early birthday." Kayla tells her.

"Thank you."

"At fourteen, how did they discover you were sick?"

"I had a moderate attack, not that we knew what it was or what was going on at the time. I was at school, in glee practice, when it happened. I collapsed afterwards. My glee coaches rushed me to the hospital. They did a bone marrow biopsy the next day. I had an appointment with a hematologist-slash-oncologist a few days later where they told me the results. I started treatments the very next day."

"You said your friends supported you?"

"Absolutely. They all rallied around me and supported me. They hugged me whenever I needed a hug, they held my hand, they went with me to treatments, they visited me in the hospital, they visited me at home, they comforted me, they carried me…they breathed for me when I couldn't breathe, they did CPR when my heart stopped, they let me lean on them, they did whatever they could to keep my spirits up."

"Wow!"

"They sound like amazing friends."

"No." Rachel counters seriously, but with a smile. "They sound like family. Because that's what they became. While I'm not related to them, I consider them family. We have our own Thanksgiving celebration together the weekend before Thanksgiving. We do our own trips and vacations together. We get together as often as we can. Now, about nine years after meeting, we are still very close."

"All of you?" Kayla asks in surprise.

"Yes. All of them." She's not counting Sugar since she wasn't there originally, wasn't as close as the rest, and sort of slipped off the radar after high school. They don't really talk beyond the occasional Facebook message. And Matt, well, they only knew each other for about a year and are mostly just Facebook friends at this point.

"That's incredible."

"We have pictures to share of all of you, correct?"

"Yes."

They turn to the screen behind their seats. A picture of the original New Directions hanging out in the choir room is displayed.

"Wait, all of them?!" Kyle asks in shock. "I mean, you're still close to all of them?"

"All of them, plus two more who joined the following year."

"That's a large group of friends!"

"Yes. Like I said, I was very lucky in that regard."

The picture changes to the funny Christmas picture they posed for that year. The audience and hosts laugh.

"I guess that was staged?"

"It was. We had fun making that."

The next picture is of a smaller group sitting with her while she gets treatment. Then another of Rachel getting treatment with Tina and Mercedes. Then a picture of Santana, Noah, Sam, and Brittany sitting with her at home while she's on a nasal cannula. The last photo is of Kurt and Blaine with her in the hospital.

"They were amazing. They're still amazing."

"Okay, you were diagnosed at fourteen, turned fifteen a month later, and had a large group of friends and family around you."

She decides not to address the family aspect of this. "Yes. As I said before, I slowly dropped through the stages, getting worse over the course of a year. I started going to school less and less. Then, November, a year after I was diagnosed, I had a double attack."

"What's a double attack?"

"Two attacks back to back. In that case, I had a moderate attack followed by a severe attack. My heart stopped. I'd been in the middle of a glee rehearsal on stage when it happened. My team performed CPR until paramedics arrived. I spent the night in the ICU but woke up in the morning and could finally breathe on my own, so I was taken off the ventilator."

"You'd been on a ventilator?"

"I had. I hadn't been breathing on my own, so they put me on life support."

"I heard that's scary."

"It is. It was. I wasn't fully conscious but apparently I sort of woke up during the night and tried to yank it out and my mom and grandparents had to stop me."

"I can't even imagine." Kayla says, shaking her head.

"I wasn't scared because I couldn't breathe on my own and needed a machine to do it for me. I was scared that the hose from the ventilator could damage my vocal chords." The hosts and audience laugh at that. A glance at her family shows them shaking their heads while smiling knowingly. "Singing is my passion. If I can't sing, I don't know what I'd do. It'd be like a pianist losing their hands."

After the chuckles subside, they go on. "You woke up the next day and could breathe on your own?"

"Yeah. I woke up surrounded by my family and my boyfriend."

"Your boyfriend who is now your husband."

"Yes. He has always been by my side. My hospital room was filled beyond capacity. But everyone looked so tired, stressed, and upset. I felt bad that it was my fault even if it was out of my control. So, I tried to lighten the moment."

"Oh?" They look intrigued. "How so?"

Rachel grins. "By making a joke. When sick, I tend to have a morbid sense of humor. My boyfriend, now husband, always found it funny, too. But most other people got upset or annoyed by it. Still, I wanted to say something to snap them out of the depressed silence I'd woken up to. So, after they told me that my heart had stopped, I asked them 'Did I master it?' And they all looked confused. 'Mastered what?' So I grinned at them. 'My first death scene. I died on stage. Did I master my first death scene on stage?'."

They, and the audience, burst out laughing. "You did not!"

Rachel nods. "My poor mother. She burst out laughing, but then quickly burst into tears. I felt bad. But it got everyone to at least smile, if not laugh."

"So you used humor to help you cope with everything you were going through?"

"I tried to."

"Was that the only time your heart stopped?"

"No. That was the first time my heart stopped, but not the last."

"How many times has your heart stopped?"

She thinks about it. "I don't know. We stopped counting."

The hosts look stunned. "That often?"

"When I was stage four, my heart stopped several times. It fully stopped once during my second diagnosis and very nearly stopped another time."

"What do you mean very nearly?"

"My heart rate dropped very quickly, becoming way too slow. A doctor had to slam his fist on my chest to sort of jumpstart my heart and then injected a medication to speed it up a little."

"You've been through the wringer."

Rachel's smile is tight lipped. "You have no idea."

"I believe you." They acknowledge sympathetically.

"Okay, so your heart stopped but you survived. And then?"

"And then I—"

Yero suddenly gets up and whines, putting this feet on her lap. Rachel responds quickly. She yanks off the microphone clipped to her shirt, not wanting people to hear her if she moans in pain or something. It dangles much further down now. Then she grabs the arms of her chair.

"Rachel?"

Kayla and Kyle are sitting up straight, looking alarmed. She ignores them. Needles stab into her chest and she gasps. Mild. Thank God. She holds up a single finger in the general direction her family is sitting, letting them know it's a mild. She drops her hand and rests it on Yero's back, gripping his fur. She leans on the arm of the chair and takes in deep breaths, working hard to keep silent and minimize her expression of pain. When it ends, she releases a slow breath before letting go of the arm of the chair. She feels drained. It makes her want to cry. She shouldn't feel poorly after a mild attack. Once they're over, she should be fine. Not more exhausted. She takes a moment to slow her breathing, ignoring the tense silence in the studio. Then she forces herself to sit up straighter and smile. Kayla and Kyle look worried.

"Are you okay?" Kayla asks quietly.

She ignores how tired she feels. "I am. I'm fine after they end." Usually.

She reaches for her water mug again, her hand trembling more obviously than the last time she reached for it. The mug shakes. Thankfully there's not enough water in it to slosh over the side. She drinks it down, then sets the empty mug in her lap, too tired to reach forward to set it on the table. She scratches Yero's head.

"That was a mild attack?"

"Yes."

"Would you like more water?"

"Yes, please."

Someone wearing all black and a headset hurries on set with a water bottle and pours it into her mug.

"Thank you."

Yero settles back down on the floor, but his eyes stay on her. Rachel picks up the dangling microphone and clips it to her sweater again.

"Can I ask why you yanked that off?"

"I didn't know what sort of attack it'd be; mild, moderate, or severe. I stay silent during mild attacks other than the occasional gasp at the start. During moderates, I usually make some sort of sound of pain. A moan, groan, gasp, cry, or something. During a severe attack, I usually can't breathe much at all. But when I have enough air to, I scream."

"Scream?"

"They are absolute agony. Since I wasn't sure what sort of attack it'd be, I yanked off the microphone so no one would have to listen to those sounds. At least not so loudly."

"You knew an attack was coming and your first thought was to protect us from listening to you in pain?" Kayla asks in bewilderment.

Rachel shrugs. There are some low chuckles from the audience. "What was I saying before the attack?"

The hosts blink at her. Then Kayla regains her senses. "Um…..what happened after your heart stopped."

"Right. A month later was my sixteenth birthday. I'd already met April Rhodes by that point."

"How?!"

"Sick kid perks. My parents took my brother and I to see Wicked on Broadway. Mom contacted the stage manager, asking for a private room to be available in case of a medical emergency. He agreed. Then he offered to let me, and my brother, meet the cast. April Rhodes was playing Glinda at that point. We found out that she attended our high school and even went to school with my glee coach, so we talked for a little bit. After the show they invited my brother and I to sing on the stage. We sang 'For Good'. April raved over our performance. Years later, she put in a good word for me, which helped me get the role of Fanny Brice."

"Really?!"

"Yeah. So I already met her. My brother had a vlog where he posted videos about my health. April found it and followed it to keep up to date on how I was doing. When she saw a video Kurt posted about how they wanted to do something special for my sixteenth birthday but couldn't do anything that would be physically demanding, she stepped forward with an offer. She got permission to send a recording of her previous Broadway show to us. My parents rented out an old movie theater, invited all my friends and family, and we watched the show. It started with April and the rest of the cast of Wicked singing 'Happy Birthday' to me."

"That was so nice of her!"

"It really was. And watching a show was a perfect choice. It was fun and I didn't have to move. After the show, I started feeling weird. My heart was racing, I felt heavy, and I started slurring my words. My mom took me home to rest. By the time I was home I couldn't even move on my own. Days after my sixteenth birthday I found out I was stage four and probably had been for at least a week. They told me I had two months left to live."

"At sixteen." Kyle says gravely.

"What was that time like for you?"

"Hard. I got weaker and weaker, which I hated. Everyone knew that without some sort of miracle, I was going to die soon. So they started spending even more time with me, even if they just sat with me while I slept. Despite the bad news, we all focused on staying positive and making happy memories."

Behind them, the picture changed. It showed a picture from the handprint war the girls had. Then a picture of the guys sledding down the stairs with her and laughing. Then a picture of Rachel on an oxygen mask and asleep on the couch, being held by Finn while her other friends sat around her talking.

"About a month later, I got even worse. I'd fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Sometimes even mid-conversation. I'd randomly stop breathing in my sleep. I felt….so weak. I knew I didn't have much time left. I felt it. I told my mom 'I don't think I have weeks left.' I hated the look on her face. But she nodded and said 'I know.' Everyone knew. It was fairly obvious."

The next photo is a closeup of Rachel on a nasal cannula while in stage four, sitting in her recliner. She's smiling, but extremely pale, skeletal, chapped lips, sunken cheeks, and dark bruises under her eyes. She looks like she's a breath away from dying. There are low murmurs from the audience.

"I mean, that's not exactly a picture of someone who is doing well." Rachel goes on.

"But you survived. How?"

"Sheer stubbornness." She responds with a grin. The audience chuckles. "Once I was hospitalized it happened fast. I had near constant attacks. I slept most of the time. My heart stopped multiple times. And then, the doctors said it was time to say goodbye. I remember it vividly. My mom was holding me. The doctors told her I wouldn't make it through the night. My family took turns coming to say goodbye to me. Then my friends did. My family and boyfriend stayed by my side, holding me so I'd know I wasn't alone while passing away."

Kayla is swallowing hard. She grabs a tissue and dabs her eyes. Rachel sips her water before going on. She's relieved that she's feeling a little better now. But she will discuss her minutes of exhaustion after a mild attack with Dr. McCann next time she sees him.

"My mom was holding me. My boyfriend was holding my hand. My brother was sitting by me with his hand on my leg. My other family members were sitting around me. My mom started humming a sweet melody. I still remember what it felt like to slip away. There came a moment where I knew if I let go, it'd all be over. No more pain. No more fear. No more stress. Just peace. But no more life, either. It'd all be over; the good and the bad. I decided in that moment that I wanted life more than I wanted peace. I wanted to marry Finn. I wanted to have his kids. I wanted to be on Broadway. I wanted more time with my loved ones. None of that could happen if I died. But living meant pain and suffering. I decided it was worth it. So I clung on and fought to stay here. It worked. I was still alive the next morning. Since I'd held on that long, the doctors decided maybe I could beat this. So they suggested trying a very long, very painful treatment."

"The one your mom used Yero to bribe you with."

"Right." She chuckles. "She bribed me with a puppy. Finn bribed me with a promise ring."

"He gave you a promise ring while you were in the hospital fighting for your life?"

"He did. I mean….he'd already suggested we elope." Everyone laughed at that. "I turned him down. I said we should wait until we were older. And I didn't want to risk him becoming a widower at 16. So he gave me a beautiful promise ring and promised to propose to me in the future. But I had to hold on and live in order for that to happen. So I held on and fought like hell."

The audience applauds and cheers. She smiles at them.

"Then you started getting better?" Kayla asks almost desperately.

"Then I started getting better. It wasn't smooth. I still had rough patches and still ended up being rushed to the hospital a few more times. But I got better over the next several months. That summer I went into remission."

Behind them, the picture changes to one of Rachel at her remission party. Kurt is hugging her tight and they're laughing. Then it changes to Rachel and her mom holding one another and smiling widely.

"You look just like your mom! Especially with your hair like that!" He turns and sees Rachel sitting there grinning at him, bald, wearing a scarf. He stammers. "I-I'm sorry."

Knowing he feels bad for putting his foot in his mouth for a second time, she shrugs it off. "It's fine. The loss of hair is recent, but I'm mostly used to it at this point. It'll grow back. And in the grand scheme of things, hair loss isn't a big deal so I'm not letting myself be upset by it." That's what she keeps telling herself, anyway. While she's "used" to it, it's still occasionally starting to remember she doesn't have hair. And upsetting. Several times she has reflexively picked up her brush only to feel a pang when she realized she didn't need it.

"That remission only lasted five months, you said?"

"Yeah. I started senior year healthy, but just after my seventeenth birthday that December, I relapsed."

"I can't imagine how that felt."

"We'll continue this after a commercial break." Kyle interrupts. "We got so caught up in her story that we missed the flashing light saying we were running out of time! I promise we'll continue after a break."

The light goes off and Rachel drinks more water.

"You still feeling okay?" Kayla asks kindly.

"Yeah. I'm tired but I can keep going." As long as she doesn't close her eyes for too long, she can stay awake.

They refill her water. Finn jogs over and kneels next to her seat. He takes her hand and talks quietly for a minute, telling her how great she's doing. He also slips her an ibuprofen. She's not sure how he knew she was developing a headache, but she's relieved and thanks him. He kisses her cheek and goes back to his seat. The light goes back on and the camera man counts down. They continue.

"When we left off, you were saying you'd been in remission for five months before relapsing the first time."

"Yes. It was hard for me. But one of my coaches really helped. She helped me see the short relapse as a chance to catch my breath before the second round and be grateful for it instead of upset. She also taught me about kintsugi."

"What is kintsugi?"

"It's the Japanese art of fixing broken things like vases with gold. Instead of throwing away what broke or trying to hide it, the gold makes it stronger and more beautiful. My loved ones are my gold holding my broken pieces together and making me stronger."

"That is beautiful."

"The bright side is I already had Yero and he was already trained at that point, so he started coming to school with me every day. I did enjoy that. The downside, besides being sick again, was that my symptoms starter sooner and stronger than the first time. But the attacks were less frequent. It was still hard. I missed out on a lot, which was upsetting."

"Like what?"

"For starters I missed a lot of school. I missed senior skip day because I was too tired to get up in time. My stepfather took me to play mini golf when I felt up to going out. It was very nice of him, but I was still upset over missing hanging out with my friends for the day."

"It was sweet of him."

"I almost missed prom. I missed the first half because I fainted right before we left."

The picture behind them becomes a prom picture of Rachel and Finn after becoming king and queen. Yero is standing beside them in his little doggy suit.

"Yero is so cute in that suit!"

"You were prom king and queen?"

"We were. It was very nice of my peers to nominate someone who was hardly ever at school." They chuckle. "Then we left the dance before it ended because I was too tired to stay. I needed a nap before we headed to the pool to hang out."

"Oh, so it was at a hotel?"

"It was. It was a lot of fun and I'm glad I didn't miss the whole thing."

"Did you get to go to your graduation ceremony?"

"Not exactly."

"What do you mean?"

"I missed the actual ceremony because I was in a coma."

"A coma?!" They look appalled.

"Yeah. I'd had an infection that spread to my brain and caused a seizure. I went into a coma after that. I was not happy to wake up and find out I missed my graduation. But a few days later I got an invitation in the mail for a graduation ceremony."

"They held a second ceremony for you?"

"They did. And they invited the new graduates to return for it so it wouldn't just be me. It was shorter and far more casual. A bunch of my classmates came back for it. We put our names in a hat and went in the order our names were pulled. Those who returned for it said it was more fun than the actual ceremony."

"That's so nice!"

"It was."

"You graduated and went to New York to attend NYADA. Your parents allowed that?"

"Not happily. It's one of the only things my mom and I ever truly fought over. In the end, the only reason she allowed it is because I moved into a townhouse with my brother, boyfriend, and several friends. I wasn't alone. I was surrounded by close friends who were more like family, all of whom had been by my side through my health battle and all of whom knew how to help me. I was sick through my freshman year at NYADA. I only had one severe attack in my second diagnosis and it happened in my dance class. I had a few more minor things occur, including moderate attacks and severe blood loss from a tiny cut, but overall nothing too bad happened. I went into remission right after the school year ended and just before the benefit was held."

The picture changes to one of Rachel on stage at the benefit with the cards "I AM IN REMISSION" and her mom standing there covering her mouth.

"Wait, that's how you told your mother you were in remission?" Kayla asks in amusement.

"Yeah." Rachel laughs. "She was not pleased that I hadn't told her immediately and that I told her in public. I tried to point out that she only found out a day later. She was still mad. Happy I was in remission but mad about how and when she found out."

Kyle grins. "I think how you did it was funny and cute!"

Rachel grins back. "Thank you, Kyle! I felt the same way."

Kayla, chuckling, shakes her head. "I don't know, Rachel. I think I'm with your mom on this one."

Kyle waves his hand dismissively. "It doesn't matter; it all worked out."

"It did." Rachel agrees. She glances at her mother who gives her a smile and wink.

"You got your life back after that?" Kayla gets them back on track.

"You got your life back after that?"

"I did. I finally go to really live. And I took full advantage, doing everything I'd wanted. The next five years were amazing. I graduated NYADA at top of my class, landed the Funny Girl role, married Finn, moved into an amazing apartment, won a Tony, starred as Elphaba in Wicked, and got to enjoy being surrounded by my family in New York and seeing their lives going well. It was a fabulous five years."

"It's wonderful that you can see it that way. I think many people would be more focused on being angry and upset they only had a couple years of remission. But here you are celebrating it."

"Your perspective and mindset are just as important as the medications you take and the rest you give your body when you're sick."

"You seem to have a very good mindset."

"I have bad days. I have days I'm miserable and grumpy and angry. But thankfully they're few and far between. At this point I'm too tired to be angry." She chuckles. "For the most part, I've been able to keep a positive outlook."

The audience applauds for her.

"Did you have this positive outlook when your hair started falling out?"

"It was harder than I expected it to be. But I asked a friend for help. Marcus was my hair and makeup guy for both Funny Girl and Wicked. I asked him to be the one to shave my head when my hair started falling out in clumps. He came and made it fun."

The pictures go through the various crazy haircuts Marcus gave her. The audience laughs at each one; especially the mohawk. Rachel herself is laughing in the picture. The final picture is of her wearing the teal scarf. She still had eyebrows then.

"At the beginning of the show, you said your dreams are being yanked away. What is being yanked away?"

"Broadway for starters. I can't perform when I have Danton's Aplastic Anemia. The attacks alone make it impossible."

"We heard about your final show. We tired to go but it was sold out." Kayla admits.

"The final show was amazing. Emotional, but amazing and I'm very grateful I had that opportunity."

"Everyone who went raved about it, from what I heard." Kyle tells her. "And the clips that ended up on YouTube are incredible."

"What other dreams?" Kayla pushes.

"My husband and I were planning on having children. Around now. Obviously that can't happen until I'm healthy again." She decides to leave off the uncertainty of her fertility after going through chemo.

"I'm so sorry." Kayla says softly.

"On a lighter note, I also wanted to record my own music. I've been writing my own music with my brother-in-law's help. I have a few songs written."

"And now you want to record them?"

"I really do. I'll figure out how eventually. And if I don't get to, it'll stink but I won't be overly upset about it. The kids thing, though…..that's a bigger deal to me and harder to accept that I might not get to experience being a mom." And making Finn a dad.

"I hope it all works out for you. You've been through a lot and it sounds like you've handled it all with an amazing attitude."

"My family and friends help with that."

"We've been informed by your loved ones that you inspired them by staying positive and never giving up on your dreams despite all the challenges you faced."

Rachel smiles. "I knew that if I gave up on my dreams, that'd crush my spirit more than being sick. So I never gave up on them and never gave up thinking I'd achieve them. It helped keep my spirits up. I also knew that if I focused on all the bad things, then I'd miss out on the good things I still had. My loved ones are the main reason I was able to stay positive."

"That is wonderful. Like you said before, your mindset makes a big difference."

"It really does."

"You'll be going through with the bone marrow transplant soon. You said your cousin is your donor?"

"Yes. My cousin Oliver is a match. He'll be donating his marrow to me. He's really excited about it." Rachel turns to the camera. "And Ollie, you are my hero."

Immediately, two things happen. The audience claps happily, "aaw"ing over how cute it is. And her family is shaking their heads and signaling with their hands.

"What is your family trying to say?" Kyle asks curiously.

She knows but doesn't see the point in bringing it up. She turns to look at them and shakes her head, glaring playfully.

"What?" Kayla asks with a laugh.

From the audience, Kurt looks to the hosts and points to himself, a questioning look on his face. Realizing what he wants, Rachel groans. The hosts nod and wave him up. Kurt jogs up to their seats and crouches next to Rachel. He grabs her microphone off her sweater and holds it closer to himself.

"What are you doing?" She asks him incredulously.

"What? You clearly weren't going to say it, so I will."

"Maybe I had a reason!"

"Tough!"

The hosts laugh. Kayla points to Kurt. "Oh, so you're her brother."

Rachel answers sarcastically, but with a grin. "How'd you guess?"

"She wouldn't tell the story right anyway." Rachel rolls her eyes. Kurt ignores her. "Okay. So. Yes, Oliver is Rachel's hero for agreeing to be her donor. In fact, he didn't just agree, he demanded. You see, Rachel is his hero. Partially because he adores her singing and sees every show she's in as often as he can. But mostly because when he was at his sixth birthday party, Rachel saved his life. Now, he's looking to return the favor."

"How?!" The hosts are wide-eyed.

"While everyone else was distracted, six year old Oliver chased a ball into the street where a truck was speeding towards him. He didn't see the truck until he already had the ball in his hands and was in the street. He didn't have time to jump out of the way. Rachel saw. At that time, it was the beginning of our senior year of high school and she was still in remission. She was healthy with her whole life ahead of her. And she ran into the street, pushed him out of the the way of the truck, and took the blow instead."

The audience gasps while the hosts sit back in shock. Rachel rolls her eyes. She grabs his hand and pulls the little microphone closer to herself. "That's not exactly true. I got out of the way, too." She argues.

Kurt pulls it back. "You still got hit by a speeding truck."

She yanks it back. "Clipped! It clipped my side! It spun me around and knocked me down, but all I got was a bruise. And many lectures." She grumbles. "Plus, the driver had already slammed on their breaks, so they were going slower when it clipped me. Not speeding."

Kurt looks at the hosts knowingly. "I told you she wouldn't tell it right."

The audience is chuckling at their bickering.

"You were lectured afterwards?"

"The adults were simultaneously thrilled Oliver was safe and that Rachel saved him, but furious with her for risking her own life. Especially since she hadn't been in remission for long. They'd—we'd—nearly lost her. Then she went into remission and we believed she'd live a long life, only for her to risk her life to save Oliver. The fact of the matter is—" He leans away from Rachel trying to take the microphone back, causing more laughter and chuckles. "—Rachel risked her life to save his. She was thanked, then lectured. Now, at thirteen years old, he's saving her life and there's little to no threat to him."

Kurt kisses her cheek, reattaches the microphone, waves to the hosts, and goes back to his seat. The audience chuckles. The hosts look at her with amused smiles.

"So. That's Kurt?"

"That's Kurt."

"Was that all true?"

"Yes." The audience applauds. She shrugs. "I wasn't going to stand there and watch him be hit by a truck."

"You saved him and now he's saving you. That's so sweet!"

"Didn't you say last time that your brother-in-law said your life could be a Hallmark movie?"

"I did."

"That seems more true now than ever." He says with a smile.

Rachel chuckles. "I suppose so."

"Would you be comfortable with them making a movie about your life?"

She shrugs. "I don't know. Probably not. But if it happens, there's only one person who can direct it."

"Who?"

"Artie Abrams."

"Who is that?"

"Can you go back to the early picture of all of us?" Once that picture is up, she points him out. "The guy in the wheelchair. He's one of my closest friends, a member of my chosen family, and he is a director. If ever a movie was made about my life, he would need to direct it. And Blaine Hummel-Anderson would need to be in charge of writing any songs that are sung in it."

"And Blaine is….."

"Also a member of my chosen family. He's not in that photo because he joined the club a year later. But he's here in the audience since now he's truly family. He's my brother-in-law."

She points to him and he waves. The camera turns to get him.

"But would you be comfortable with it?" They press.

She'd be extremely flattered but doesn't really want to admit to it. Besides, she would be a little uncomfortable. Rachel focuses on that emotion, trying to stay humble. "Not now, no. I think it'd be a little awkward. Maybe after I'm in remission again. Or, you know, after I'm dead. Either way not now."

"I almost feel like there should be a movie or musical about your life. You've been through so much, for so long, and haven't let it stop you from living. And you've stayed positive and brave through it all. It's inspiring."

"It's funny." Rachel begins. "People say that frequently. They always have. That I have a great attitude and keep my head up and smile and focus on the positive. But to me, there's really no other choice. It's either give up, meaning lay down and die, or fight and maybe live longer. I want to live. I want more time on Broadway. I want to do more shows. I want another Tony award." She grins and lets the audience laugh. "I want more time with my family. I want more time with my husband. I want kids. That means fighting. Fighting means staying positive. It's not easy."

"I imagine not." Kayla agrees. "But you do it anyway."

"I do. But I don't do it alone. I am surrounded by loved ones who anchor me when I start floating away. They lift me when I am too weak to stand. They help me face it."

"You let them. Not everyone in similar situations let people help them."

"That's part of what's hard about letting them help. It's not just admitting you need help that's hard. It's knowing that by leaning on other people, they are working harder, they are more stressed and upset helping you face it. Last time I was sick, I tried to make it easier on them. My main goal, other than surviving, was to make it less stressful on my loved ones. But I was also just a teenager so every choice I made towards that goal backfired and just worried them more. This time I'm more mature and wiser. I know better how to handle it for myself and for them."

"Like how?"

Rachel turns slightly so she's looking more at the camera. "If you have a serious illness, I've learned that it is…..unwise…..to hold in and bottle up your emotions. Even if you think you're protecting your loved ones, it'll end up hurting you and hurting them more in the end. Let them help you handle it emotionally. Let your emotions out in a healthy way. I've been to rage rooms, I've punched pillows, I've thrown pillows, I've cried, I've screamed, I've sung, and I've let people hug me and help me through it. Don't keep it bottled up. Don't lie about, sugarcoat, or downplay symptoms. Be honest about how you're feeling emotionally and physically. I learned the hard way that it's better to say 'I feel awful. I'm tired, my head hurts' etc. and let them help me feel better than to hide it and try to convince them I'm fine when I'm not. It really does make them feel better to know how you're feeling and how they can help you."

"How are you feeling now? Physically and emotionally."

"Emotionally, I'm good. I'm still staying positive. I focus on what I can change and what I can do instead of what I can't. I face things as they come and let my loved ones help me. I try to focus on the good things. I can't do a whole lot, but I still focus on living my life. Physically, I'm tired. All the time. I had a moderate attack last night and I'm still feeling a little shaky and weak from it, even though it was hours ago."

"You've mentioned feeling weak several times; when talking about the past and the present."

She nods. "True. I always hated the word weak. I'd cringe or shy away from it when it was said before. It has such a negative connotation. But I am physically weak. Even though I am stage three, physically I feel more like I did when I was stage four. Weak and tired all the time. I need more help walking and getting around than I did last time I was sick. I hate it, but since I can't change it I just smile and thank them for helping me."

"I think that's a wonderful attitude to have."

"But I do understand what you mean." Kyle sympathizes. "Weak is a negative word."

Something snaps inside her and she lifts her head. Rachel speaks stronger now than she has the whole time, her eyes sparkling with an inner fire. "I am weak. I have been weakened by years of battling a serious, life threatening illness. But I'm taking back 'weakened.' It's not a bad thing or something to be ashamed of; it's a testament to resilience, a reminder that even in our most vulnerable moments, we have the strength to rise again. It shows that we are fighting, that we care deeply, and that our journeys make us stronger in ways we may not yet understand."

The applause begins before she even finishes speaking. It gets stronger and louder after she finishes. And then they get to their feet. She doesn't think she's ever received a standing ovation for speaking before. Her family is smiling proudly and applauding along with everyone else. She smiles back. When she turns back to the hosts, they're smiling warmly. Kayla's eyes are shiny and she's sniffling, but smiling.

"You just managed to give a negative word a positive spin." Kyle says in awe, after the audience settles down.

"I think sometimes 'weak' can be used to emphasize resilience and the strength found in vulnerability." Rachel says.

"I absolutely love that." Kayla gushes.

"Do you have any other advice for people who are sick or those who have a sick loved one?"

"For anyone facing a life threatening illness…" she hesitates briefly before powering on "…..there may be days when you want to give up. Days where it's overwhelming and seems hopeless. Where maybe you're in too much pain or too unwell to focus on the positive. Where you're tired of fighting and just want it to be over, even if it means giving up and letting go. Don't ignore or push down those feelings. Feel them, embrace them, and talk to someone about them. I've had those days. They don't come often, but I remember feeling that way before. Tell someone, talk it out, or cry it out, get it out of your system, and keep fighting. Don't give up."

"And for people with sick loved ones?"

That's harder for her to answer, since she's the one sick. She thinks about it for a moment before answering. "Sometimes it's enough just to know we're not alone, so just be there for them. Don't worry so much about saying the right thing. Just be there. And make sure they know they're loved. I think those things are universal. Other things, like best ways to handle situations, really depends on the people."

"That makes sense. Everyone is different."

Kayla nods. "Just be there for them."

Rachel smiles slightly. "There have been plenty of times where I was only partially conscious but could feel someone hold me or hold my hand brought me great comfort. Or times I really didn't feel well and didn't feel up to talking or moving. But knowing someone was there with me while I was going through it was comforting. Just be there."

"A simple but powerful message."

"And it's a great note to end on. As wonderful as this has been, our time is coming to an end."

Rachel nods with a small smile. "Probably for the best. I don't think I'll be awake much longer."

They chuckle. "Well thank you so much for coming and sharing your story with us."

"Thank you for having me."

"Folks, we're putting a link on our website for how you can donate towards a cure for AA and another link for how to find support if you or a loved one are facing a serious illness. Thanks for tuning in!"

Rachel smiles at the camera. When the little light goes out, she sighs in relief and droops slightly in her seat. She's glad she did this but she is exhausted.

"Tired?"

"Exhausted." She chuckles.

Finn walks up to her and offers his hand. She takes it and he helps her stand. He wraps an arm around her waist and guides her out. The audience is once again on their feet and clapping for her. She smiles and waves at them. Once out of view, they pause. Finn looks down at her with shining eyes.

"You never cease to amaze me, Mrs. Hudson."

She smiles. He leans down and kisses her smile.

"At the moment, I am amazingly tired. Take me home?"

"Your wish is my command."

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She slept for hours. When she woke, they all praised her and said how great the show was and how excited they are for it to air. They especially loved how she turned 'weakened' into something positive. It aired a few days later. The rest of her family and friends all called or texted her to tell her how much they loved it and how proud they are of her for sharing her story. Rachel herself just hopes that maybe, just maybe, this will give someone else with AA (or any serious illness) hope and courage to keep fighting.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Her treatment resumed but her numbers stayed the same. The good news is they're not dropping. But without them going up, she can't go back to chemo yet. If she lost her hair for nothing, she'll be pissed. The higher dose, more intense treatments leave her shaking and vomiting profusely. Even after getting home some days. Yero has started following her around with a plastic bucket. Without anyone ordering him to.

She may have put a positive spin on it, but she hates feeling weak. Finn helps her bathe one night. Seeing how poorly she's feeling, he suggests a bath. He helps her undress and step into the bathtub, then joins her. He sits behind her and lets her adjust to the hot water. He takes his time sliding the washcloth across her body. He moves slowly, sensually. He kisses her cheek and down her neck and shoulder. She knows he's trying to make it less like he's taking care of her, giving her a bath, and more of a romantic evening. She loves him for it. She closes her eyes and enjoys the feel of him tending to her. The only thing she doesn't like is her cold bare head. She tries to ignore it and focus on Finn's ministrations. After she's clean, and trying not to drift off to sleep, Finn carries her to bed. He helps her get into pajamas, kisses her soundly, and pulls the blankets over her. She catches his hand and tugs him back. She smiles up at him and waits, knowing he'll know from her smile what she wants. He does. He grins and leans down, kissing her again.

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

He kisses her a final time and goes to take his own quick shower. He'd bathed her but not really himself. She listens to him sing in the shower and smiles. The smile fades as she thinks about the past few days. They've been rough. He hates going to work these days, wanting to stay with her. She thinks it's good for him to get away from her for a couple hours, though. And the others are happy to come stay with her. They still take turns watching her.

Things will get better. They have to.

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They hold their Friendsgiving as usual. Again, it's at the Hudson's home. But this year, Rachel stays asleep until after everyone has already arrived. Brittany helps her get dressed and join them in the kitchen. Tina, Mike, and Mercedes take turns hugging her, having not seen her in months. They'd each called her after her latest talk show appearance and raved about it. They'd been a little startled by her physical appearance. But now, seeing her in person, and without all the makeup the studio people had slathered on her before the show, is obviously hard on them. She sits at the table and helps peel potatoes while chatting with everyone around her.

It's a fun day, as it always is with them all together. Rachel tries to focus on spending time with her family and not on how tired she is and how little she can do. She fell asleep leaning against Noah at one point and woke up being held by Mike. They all know her well enough to not make a big deal out of it, which she appreciates. She hates it at the same time. She stuffs the negative thoughts away, puts on a smile, and enjoys the card game they're all playing. The amount of bluffing, cheating, teaming up, bribing, and other activities that should not be allowed in this card game make it more entertaining. She's glad they spent the day laughing and goofing off. In the past, Rachel wondered if they'd still hold this Friendsgiving if she died. Now she doesn't have to. She knows they'll keep the tradition going if she passes and that makes her happy.

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She was too unwell to travel for actual Thanksgiving. For the first time since meeting her blood relatives, she does not spend Thanksgiving in Ohio with them. They wanted to travel to New York to be with her, but acknowledged that a) her apartment is not large enough to accommodate everyone, b) they don't want to risk bringing too many germs to her, and c) she's just not up for many visitors. Thanksgiving was spent in New York. All four of her parents came up and stayed with them. Her brothers stayed in New York to spend it with them. The small family of eight had a simple, quiet holiday together. The three women sat around the kitchen table chatting while preparing the food. She napped before and after dinner. She woke up from her later nap horribly nauseous and spent a while vomiting profusely. She ended up going to bed early and sleeping through dessert.

This Thanksgiving was more like their Thanksgiving Take Two. Smaller, quieter, calmer, but just as warm and enjoyable. Her extended family called and they talked on the phone, which was nice. She even sang for Dylan and Ollie after swearing she felt up to it. It wasn't her favorite Thanksgiving, but she's glad it worked out this way. She still spent it with family, she still enjoyed a delicious meal (even if she mostly nibbled at it), but she got the rest she needed as well. Not feeling well, vomiting, and napping sucked, but overall she thinks it went well.

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