"Doublemeat Palace"

Based on the Episodes "Gone" Written by David Fury and "Doublemeat Palace" Written by Jane Espenson

The following story is copyright © 2025 by Mark Moore.

Buffy was in the kitchen. "Dawn, come on, you gotta eat breakfast!"

There was no response.

Buffy sighed, then turned back to face Tara. "She's gonna be late for school again."

Tara was at the stove, cooking. She put bits of ham into a cooking omelet.

Dawn entered the kitchen.

Buffy looked at her. "I called you before."

"Didn't hear you." Dawn opened the refrigerator and got out a carton of orange juice.

Tara smiled. "Hey, Dawnie, uh, I'm making you a nice omelet."

Dawn smiled. "Thanks."

After breakfast, Buffy and Tara emerged into the foyer.

"Dawn! You better get going!" Buffy called.

"Here." Dawn arrived from upstairs, holding her bookbag.

"Okay, you have everything you need?" Buffy asked.

"Yep."

"And after school, you-"

"Yeah, yeah. Let's go, Tara." Dawn walked toward the door.

Buffy intercepted her. "You will wait for one of us to pick you up."

"Right."

Buffy unlocked and opened the front door.

As the door opened, they noticed a middle-aged woman standing there, holding some papers.

The woman removed her glasses, smiling at Dawn. "Oh, good morning. You must be Dawn."

Dawn nodded.

"Can I help you?" Buffy asked.

"I'm Doris Kroger from Social Services." She indicated her identification badge. "We had an appointment?"

"Oh, for Wednesday."

"This is Wednesday."

Buffy looked at Tara, who nodded.

"Right! Well...Dawn, you better..."

Dawn rolled her eyes in utter adolescent disdain and left, pushing past Ms. Kroger.

Buffy sighed. "And - And Tara, you'll drive safely?"

Tara smiled. "Yes, sweetie."

"Tara Maclay?" Doris asked her.

"Yes."

Doris checked her paperwork. "You're listed as joint guardian. I want to speak with you, too."

"Oh, well, I gotta get Dawn to school. Could you wait a little bit? It shouldn't take long."

"Well, I suppose I can talk with Buffy in the meantime."

Tara grabbed her keys from the table and headed out the door.

Ms. Kroger entered the foyer and smiled at Buffy. "Little bit on the tardy side, isn't she?"

Buffy closed and locked the front door. "Yeah, well, uh, it's been one of those mornings, you know." She noticed Ms. Kroger had already gone into the living room. "Hey, come on in."

Ms. Kroger stood in the doorway to the living room, looking around. Buffy walked up beside her and waited. The room was relatively clean; the only things out of place were Buffy's copy of The Shining and one of Dawn's T*Witches novels on the coffee table.

Doris turned and walked into the dining room. There was a whiteboard with "Family Meeting" written at the top and various topics underneath. Buffy realized with horror that her note of "Who keeps pissing in the shower?! The curtain reeks!" was still on the board and hoped Doris didn't notice.

"You have family meetings?" Doris asked.

"Yes, about one per week."

Doris walked into the kitchen. Buffy followed her.

Doris inspected the sink, which still had unwashed dishes from breakfast in it. Then she opened the refrigerator. Buffy noticed her note on the shopping list, "shower curtain - Amy and Trina!", and hoped Doris hadn't.

Doris closed the refrigerator. "Dawn's room?"

"Follow me."

Doris inspected Dawn's bedroom, then the bathroom, then headed back downstairs. Buffy followed her.

Doris checked her paperwork. "So you work for the Sunnydale Police Department?"

"Well...yes." Buffy decided that was the simplest answer.

"And in retail?"

"Occasionally, yeah, in a store downtown."

The front door opened. Tara walked into the foyer. She closed and locked the door and put her keys on the table.

"Tara." Doris checked her paperwork. "You also work at...The Magic Box?"

Tara nodded. "Yes."

"What do you do there?"

"I...do anything that the boss tells me: stock shelves, ring up sales, place orders, clean. You name it."

Buffy noticed Tara had left off her readings and realized that was probably for the best.

"You have...three vehicles?" Doris asked.

Buffy nodded. "A Jeep, a van, and a scooter."

"It says here that there are two additional people living in this house: Amy Madison and Katrina Silber. Who are they?"

"Friends from high school. I invited them to move in with us after my mom died. They pitch in. Uh, we divide the bills four ways, and the chores are on a rotating schedule."

"What do they do?"

"Amy works at the local video store, and Katrina is doing a paid apprenticeship at the local motive power depot."

Doris wrote down some notes. "I think I've seen enough." She turned to leave.

Buffy unlocked and opened the door.

Doris smiled. "Have a nice day."

Buffy and Tara smiled. "You, too."

Doris went out the door. Buffy closed and locked the door.

Later, Buffy decided to go downtown to get her hair trimmed.

Afterward, Buffy emerged from the salon. Her hair was now neatly styled and reached the top of her neck. She began to walk across the sidewalk.

Buffy walked between some parked cars. She noticed one minivan with bumper stickers reading "God Bless America" and "United We Stand" and paused to stare at them. She began to cross the street.

Buffy walked past the mouth of the alley. Suddenly, a red light hit a tree, a fire hydrant, some traffic cones, and a dumpster, all of which immediately disappeared.

Buffy stared in bewilderment. "What the fuck?"

Buffy walked into the Magic Box. "Tara, something freaky is going on."

Tara was stocking a shelf with candles. "What's up?"

"I had just left the salon, and, all of a sudden, some red light came out of nowhere and struck some things, and they disappeared."

"Huh?"

"Yeah, and check this out: I walked up to the tree that disappeared and tried feeling for it, and it was still there."

"So it's invisible." Tara frowned. "Where'd this happen?"

"Main Street."

Tara thought for a moment. She finished stocking the candles and dropped the box on the floor. She walked over to the table, sat down, and used her laptop. "I can't leave the store unattended. Lemme look up Trina's work number. This seems more up her alley."

Buffy smiled. "Ooh! It happened near an alley."

Tara made a face but didn't say anything. She opened a file. "Oh, I, uh, found...out some stuff about the diamond stolen from the museum. It's called the Illuminata, and there's rumors of it having quasi-mystical quantum properties."

"Didn't...Giles say something about 'quantum' regarding the whole Marcie deal?" Buffy asked her.

"I think so."

Buffy and Katrina walked down the street. They passed the spa and entered the mouth of the alley. Katrina had a can of red spray paint.

Buffy pointed. "The dumpster's there."

Katrina walked up and sprayed the dumpster, making it visible again.

Buffy smiled. "That's kinda cool."

Katrina noticed a tire mark on the ground. "Well, take a look at that!" She pointed. "Something sped outta here pretty damn quick to make that kind of tread mark."

Buffy frowned. "Well, this could have been made any time."

"Yeah, but this...wasn't." Katrina took out a small vial from her pocket and held it up.

Buffy took it. "What is it?"

Katrina walked away. "Paint that I scraped off the fire hydrant." She stopped at a different part of the sidewalk.

Buffy followed her, studying the vial. "I didn't see you scrape the fire hydrant." She walked right into it. "Ow! Motherfucker!" She hopped around on one foot, her other leg having been injured by walking into the invisible fire hydrant.

Katrina made gestures from the alleyway to where they were now. "Whatever hit this fire hydrant hit it after it was made invisible. And bet your ass that something was the same something that shot out of that alley."

Buffy pondered. "Black paint? My phantom van from last year."

Katrina nodded.

Buffy took a step backward and bumped into something. "Whoa! There's something there." She pointed.

Katrina sprayed her can of spray paint where Buffy was pointing. A traffic cone slowly took shape.

"I-It's a pylon, one of those orange traffic cones." Katrina continued spraying. "You should take it to the Magic Box. It might help you and Tara figure out what kind of spell was used."

"What about you?"

Katrina stood up. "Well, I got paint scrapings and a tire mark." She gave Buffy the paint can and took the vial from her. "I'm gonna find this van that's been stalking you."

Buffy nodded. "Go to the DMV. I'll call and tell them to cooperate with you."

At the Magic Box, Buffy and Tara sat at the table, looking at books. The no-longer-invisible traffic cone sat on the table.

"Found any invisibility spells?" Buffy asked.

"I haven't found anything yet."

Tara reached out to grab the traffic cone. It crumbled partly under her fingers.

Tara made a disgusted face. "Ew! Buffy!"

"I didn't fart, I swear."

"No." Tara held up her hand with traffic-cone residue on it.

"What happened?" Buffy asked.

"An unpleasant tactile experience, like putting my hand in pudding."

Buffy smiled in amusement. "Interesting comparison, and you will explain why your mind went there later." She put out her hand and crumbled another part of the cone. "Ew!"

"Like pudding, am I right?" Tara asked. "Rice or tapioca, lumpy like that."

At night, Katrina walked along a dark residential street, paused, looked at a house, and then at a piece of paper in her hand. She saw a van in a driveway, partially covered by a tarp. Katrina looked around, then walked toward the van. She lifted the tarp. The van was black.

"Oh, you're fucking kidding me." Katrina let go of the tarp and headed for the Jeep.

At the Magic Box, the phone began to ring. Buffy stood up, walked over to the counter, picked up the handset, and answered the call. "Thank you for calling the Magic Box, your one-stop-"

"Don't talk. Just listen, Slayer. You don't have a lot of time."

Buffy frowned. "Who is this? You sound familiar."

"I'm...nobody. No one you know. We've got your friend, Katrina, and, if you don't want anything nasty to happen to her, you better meet us. Alone."

"Where?"

Buffy and Tara walked into a video arcade. Various kids were playing various games; there was lots of noise. A guy was taking tickets by a turnstile. The turnstile turned on its own, and he looked confused. Buffy noticed this and approached the turnstile, Tara hanging back.

"Whoa, hey, where's your ticket?" the guy asked Buffy.

Buffy pointed at her badge, clipped to her blue jeans. "This badge is my ticket. Stand aside." She walked through the turnstile.

Buffy noticed a few kids get shoved aside and walked in that direction, moving further into the arcade.

"Okay, I'm here. Where is she?" Buffy asked.

"Just stay still, and you won't get hurt."

Buffy looked around. "Where are you?"

"All around you, Slayer, so don't try anything."

"Ah, you're invisible. How do I know you're not bluffing?"

"There's more than enough to cause some serious carnage, right, guys? Guys? Guys!"

Buffy noticed a video game with the joysticks moving on their own.

"Kick! Use the kick!"

"I tried that; he keeps blocking it with his drunken monkey fist!"

Buffy smiled in amusement. "Ooh, scary video carnage."

"Hey! Slayer's here."

"Sorry, didn't see her."

"Why don't we continue this in a less crowded area, like over there?" one of the guys suggested.

"Where?" Buffy and the two other guys asked.

"Over...follow me."

A science-fiction-looking gun floated in the air. Buffy followed it.

They moved over to a quieter corner, next to an air hockey game.

Katrina ran into the video arcade and over to Tara. "Hey, I finally found you guys."

Tara looked at Katrina in surprise. "Trina! They said they kidnapped you."

"Oh, for fuck's sake..." Katrina walked toward Buffy.

"Who are you guys?" Buffy demanded.

"Nobody you know."

Katrina walked up to Buffy. "They're the ones from your mystery van."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Oh. You. So what annoying thing are you gonna do to me now?"

"Make you invisible."

The invisibility ray lifted up and began its preparatory whirring.

Buffy picked up the air hockey mallet and threw it. The invisibility ray fell to the floor.

Buffy frowned. "Okay, play time's over."

"You haven't won yet, Slayer."

Buffy smiled. "No, that part comes after I beat the shit out of you."

"You'll have to find me first! There's three of us against just one of you."

"Hey, you lied to us!"

"Fight her yourself!"

"Think she cares about that? I go down, we all go down!"

Buffy was getting bored. "And I promise you're all going down."

"We may not have your powers, Slayer, but you'll find that we are not so easy to-"

Buffy hit him with another air hockey mallet.

"Ow! Get her!"

Katrina started unplugging the arcade machines. Tara ran over and helped her. Various people complained.

"Everybody shut up!" Katrina ordered.

In the silence, Buffy closed her eyes and focused. She picked up on subtle sounds and started punching and kicking. She heard grunts. Kids in the arcade looked over in confusion at the noises.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute! Who's biting my leg?"

"Sorry!"

Buffy threw an invisible person onto a pinball machine. Kids screamed and began to run for the exit. Katrina noticed the invisibility ray under another pinball machine. She got on her hands and knees and crawled over to get it.

"She can't find us if we split up."

Katrina picked up the ray gun and fiddled with it.

"You go that way."

"Which way?"

"That way! Over-"

Buffy punched an invisible person and sent him flying into a room-sized container of plastic balls. "Just keep talking, boys."

Katrina got to her feet, fiddling with the invisibility ray.

Buffy grabbed hold of an invisible person.

"Ow! Watch the chest hair!"

Buffy paused. "I know that voice. You-You're-"

Katrina aimed the ray at the voice and fired. The person became visible. Buffy was holding Jonathan Levinson up by the front of his shirt.

"Jonathan?!" Buffy asked in surprise.

She let him go, and he fell to the floor.

"You have chest hair?" Buffy asked skeptically.

Katrina fired at the plastic-ball room. Warren Mears appeared.

"Warren?" Katrina asked in surprise.

Warren glared at her.

Katrina fired at the smashed pinball machine. A blond guy appeared.

Buffy frowned. "Who are you?"

"Andrew."

Buffy shrugged and shook her head to show her lack of recognition.

"I summoned the flying monkeys that attacked the high school?"

Katrina, Tara, and Buffy exchanged confused looks.

Warren climbed out of the plastic balls. Jonathan got up and helped Andrew down from the pinball machine.

"During the school play, you know?"

Warren gestured at Andrew. "It's Tucker's brother."

Jonathan nodded. "Yeah, it's Tucker's brother."

Buffy, Tara, and Katrina nodded. "Ohh."

The geek trio stood side-by-side. Tara and Katrina moved over to stand beside Buffy.

"So you three have, what, banded together to be pains in my ass?" Buffy asked.

Warren walked sideways with the other two following him. "We're your arch-nemesises...ses.

Buffy, Tara, and Katrina were confused.

"You may have beaten us this time, Slayer, but next time...um...uh, next time-"

"Maybe not!" Jonathan threw something down in front of the trio.

It burst into smoke and sparks. Buffy, Tara, and Katrina coughed and waved the smoke away.

"What do you mean, it's locked? You were supposed to check it!" Warren yelled.

"I forgot!" Andrew yelled.

The smoke cleared to reveal the trio standing by the back door, looking sheepish.

Buffy gestured. "I give you my arch nemesises...ses." She frowned.

A security guard came up behind Buffy, Tara, and Katrina. "What's going on in here?"

Buffy, Tara, and Katrina turned to look at him.

"I got a bunch of scared kids saying this place is haunted!"

They heard the sound of a door opening. Buffy turned back to see the back door closing behind the escaping trio.

Buffy sighed, irritated. "Shit, they're gone. I guess we should chase them."

Katrina shrugged. "Meh, their base is Warren's house. Just call the police and have them arrested."

The next day, at the Summers' house, Tara, Amy, and Katrina sat on the sofa together.

Katrina frowned. "Now, I get Warren being the supervillainy type, but I thought Jonathan was in prison. I never even heard of this other guy."

"If we know where they are, shouldn't we do something?" Amy asked.

Tara frowned. "We tried. Buffy called the cops, and they were gonna go in there and bust them on the spot. So Buffy and some cops went in, but they'd cleared out. And she brought back the shit that they left: spellbooks, some parchments, a couple of rare things, charmed objects, a conjurer's harp, Razor scooters, and pictures of T'Pol on Enterprise."

"Isn't Buffy ready?" Katrina asked. "She's gonna be late for her first day."

Buffy walked downstairs, wearing red pants, a red-and-white striped shirt, and a hat with a stuffed cow/chicken head on top. "Trust me, I'm in no rush."

The others stared at her, then started giggling.

Buffy walked over to them. "Yeah, yeah, get it outta your systems. But this is serious."

The others burst into laughter.

Buffy stared at them in annoyance. "Laugh if you will, but people have gone missing at the Doublemeat Palace, and Detective Stein wants me to look into it...inconspicuously."

The others tried to rein in their laughter, but they still chuckled.

Amy stared at Buffy in amusement. "Buffy, I must say...that uniform just commands authority."

Buffy stared at her in annoyance. "My hat has a cow. Now, please be serious."

The others burst into laughter again.

Buffy was sitting in a chair in a small room - the office of Manny the manager - at the Doublemeat Palace, watching a training video on a television. She wore a small blue pin reading "Buffy Summers" and "Trainee".

The opening of the training video looked like a 1950s-style commercial. There was a sepia-toned picture of the exterior of a fast-food restaurant with cars driving past.

"You've seen us in your city or small town across the American West."

There was a sepia picture of the interior of the restaurant with booths and hanging plants.

"You've ordered our delicious food..."

There was a sepia picture of a smiling man in a white shirt and black bow tie, giving a thumbs-up.

"...from our happy employees! But now you're seeing it all from a different way; you're seeing it from behind the counter!"

There was a picture of a smiling woman ordering food from a smiling employee. This picture started off sepia-toned and then faded to natural color.

"Because you've just become part of the Doublemeat experience!"

A geeky teenage boy in the red-and-white-striped uniform held a tray covered with paper-wrapped burgers. "I'm part of it!"

A young woman wearing the uniform held a tray. "I'm part of it!"

An older man also wore the uniform. "I'm a part of it, too!"

The video star-cut to a shot of a farm. A picture of a cow appeared in front of it.

"This cow..."

The cow mooed.

"...and this chicken..."

The chicken appeared beside the cow and squawked.

"...don't know it yet, but they're destined to become part of it as well! So what happens when a cow and a chicken come together?"

The pictured of the cow and the chicken swirled together and became a sandwich.

"Why, that's a Doublemeat Medley! Let's take a look now at the process of harvesting these two special meats."

There was a close shot of a row of cows' rear ends.

Buffy watched cows and chickens getting rounded up for slaughter. They made sounds of frantic mooing and squawking - as well as thumping noises - before getting slaughtered.

Buffy made a disgusted face. "Holy shit!"

Later, the video was still going. Now, it showed a man in the uniform washing his hands.

"...washing your hands thoroughly after each visit to the restroom."

The man took a paper towel to dry his hands. The camera zoomed in on the paper-towel dispenser bearing the words: "NOTICE: Employees must wash hands with soap before returning to work".

"Follow these rules, and you'll be a happy part of the Doublemeat family for a long time!"

The picture changed to the Doublemeat Palace logo, which was a creature that looked like a cross between a cow and a chicken.

Buffy stared at the screen, dismayed. Behind her, Manny, in the red-striped uniform, went over to the wall and turned on the light. He turned to Buffy. He wore thick glasses with black frames.

"Interesting, isn't it?" Manny asked.

Buffy gave him a fake smile. "Oh, yes! Like how the cow and the chicken come together, even though they've never met. It's like Sleepless in Seattle, if - if Meg and Tom were, like, minced."

Completely humorless, Manny turned off the TV. "I'm Manny the manager. It's not a joke; it's just my name."

"Right. Y-You mentioned that a couple of times when I filled out the application."

"Why do you want to work here, Buffy? You seem like a sharp young woman, and there are a lot of other jobs."

Buffy thought of her cover story. "Well, I-I kinda need money pretty quickly, like, today, and - and so I didn't want to go through a lengthy interview process, and I figured this was probably the fastest...way...to..." She paused as she caught sight of Manny's stern face. "Be...cause I...wanted to be part of the Doublemeat experience?"

Manny smiled and nodded. "Come on, let's take a tour."

Manny led Buffy into the adjoining employee lounge and over to a table where two men sat, staring at nothing. A row of lockers was against a wall.

"Philip, Timothy, this is Buffy. She's going to work the counter."

Buffy smiled. "Hi."

"What happened to the other one? Catherine?" Philip asked Manny.

"Emily?" Manny asked.

"Yeah."

Timothy continued staring blankly in front of him. "She's gone."

"What happened?" Buffy asked him.

"Whatever always happens."

Manny opened a locker labeled "Vacant". It was full of clothing.

Manny turned to Buffy. "You can use this one."

"Uh...there's - there's someone's stuff in there."

"They must have left it. You can toss it or keep what you want."

"Sure they're not coming back?"

"We have a lot of turnover here." Manny started to walk away.

Buffy followed.

He paused and pointed at Philip and Timothy, who were still staring vacantly. "Watch these two." He continued walking.

Buffy followed. "Are they gonna do something?"

"They're solid. Follow their example, and you won't go wrong." He stopped walking next to a wall. "They're lifers."

"Lifers?"

"In it for life. Like me. You wanna get something out of this, Buffy? You'll do the same. You put the work in, and, ten years from now, you'll be where I am." He pointed at a round, blue button pinned to his shirt with "10 Years" on it. "I promise you."

Buffy wasn't excited by the idea.

Manny turned to the wall, where a time clock was mounted next to a rack full of cards. He removed a card and inserted it into the clock, then removed it and handed it to Buffy. "Congratulations. You're on the clock."

Buffy looked at her time card, still not thrilled.

Manny and Buffy entered the kitchen. Various employees wearing the red-and-white-striped uniform were moving around, preparing food.

"This is the kitchen. The beating heart of the Doublemeat Palace."

Buffy looked around, spotting a young woman using a Hobart to slice some sort of meat. The round slices fell into the hopper below. The woman stared vacantly ahead of her.

Buffy walked closer. "Wow. They're all so...identical."

"Yeah. They all start to look the same to me, too."

"Oh, no, not the employees, the - the chicken slices." Buffy stared at the falling chicken slices, mesmerized.

"Uh, yeah, Medley meal number 2, uh, double-size it..."

Buffy snapped out of it as she heard the man's voice.

Manny pointed. "Drive-thru station's over there. High-pressure job; you won't need to go in there." He pointed around. "Over there's the grills, the fryers, the walk-in freezer..."

Buffy looked in the direction that he indicated. She began to walk that way.

"You don't need to go in there either!" Manny followed her.

Buffy went over to a filing cabinet. On top of it was a large plastic jug marked "Dehydrated Pickles".

"That's the dehydrated pickle storage."

Buffy tried to open the filing cabinet.

"Those are locked!"

Buffy looked at him.

"Now, I want to show you this." He turned and walked off.

Buffy followed. Manny led her to a rack where a lot of paper-wrapped sandwiches were sitting.

He picked one up and began to unwrap it. "Look. The Doublemeat Medley." He unwrapped it with a flourish, revealing a perfect-looking sandwich in a hamburger bun with lettuce, tomato, pickles, and onion.

"Oh, I know the Medley! It's just, uh, the video was...kind of graphic...with the slaughter." Buffy wrinkled her nose.

Manny gestured at the sandwich with his other hand. "The classic double-decker with a twist. A pure beefy patty above the mid-bun...and a slice of processed chicken product below the mid-bun. Plus pickles and the secret ingredient." He held it out toward Buffy. "Eat it."

"Oh, you know, I had a-a big breakfast. I'll just wait for..."

Manny held it out and gave her a look.

Buffy inhaled deeply and gave a fake smile. "Uh...but it smells so good." She took the sandwich in both hands and took a bite. "Mm." She chewed. "So...what is your secret ingredient?"

"It's a meat process."

Buffy was uncertain and swallowed hard.

"Now, I think it's time to start earning your money, don't you, Buffy?"

Buffy smiled nervously. "Mm-hmm."

Behind the counter, Buffy stood beside Gary, a tall, young man that was working the cash register.

"So...what's the deal with Manny the manager? If I ask him really nice, can I write a children's book called that?" Buffy asked.

Gary handed her an empty paper cup. "Fill this while I get the fries." He turned away.

Buffy looked at the cup. "Fill this? I didn't know there was gonna be drug testing on this job."

Gary laughed. "You're funny." He stopped smiling. "You better stop that."

Buffy filled the cup at the soda dispenser. "Why?"

"Productivity. One of Manny's watch words. 'Levity is the time thief that picks the pocket of the company.'"

Buffy put a lid on the drink and set it on the tray. "I prefer the one that goes 'Manny's a humorless dolt that picks the pocket of he-should-bite-me.'"

Gary sighed. "You really need to be quiet with that." He picked up the tray with the fries and soda and handed it to the customer. "Here you go."

"Thanks." The customer left.

Another customer came up, an elderly lady wearing a bushy gray wig. "I'd like a small coffee and cherry pie."

Gary pushed buttons on the cash register. The buttons all had pictures of food on them.

"That's a dollar-ninety-two, ma'am."

Buffy stared at the register. "You hit so many buttons."

"It's easy. Look." Gary showed Buffy the buttons. "There are little pictures of the food on the buttons. I hit the Coffee button, then I hit the Small button. And then Cherry Pie. There's a picture of a little fried pie."

"Uh-huh."

The old lady handed over her money.

"Then I hit the Total button."

The drawer popped open.

Gary put the money away and closed the drawer. "I put the money in the drawer, I close it, and it resets the system. A Cocker Spaniel could do it." He looked at the customers. "Here, why don't you take the next one, the family? They're regulars." He moved away.

Buffy moved behind the cash register and looked at the wig lady. "Hi. I'm new."

The wig lady smiled. "I come here every day."

Buffy smiled. "That's nice."

"Oh, you really might make it, dear. Not like some of them, where suddenly you never see them again. I can see you here a long time."

Buffy gave a fake smile. "That's great."

Gary returned with the food.

"Thank you." The wig lady took it and moved away.

The family moved up: father, mother, and three kids.

"Hi. Welcome to the Doublemeat Palace. May I help you?" Buffy asked.

"Yeah. We need two Number 4 Medley Meals, a Junior Medley, a Fisherman's Medley with bacon, and a Kid's Meal. Plus three fries, a chocolatey shake, and extra pickles on one of the Medleys."

Buffy looked at the cash register with its bewildering array of buttons in alarm. Buffy stared at the buttons, then looked at the customer. "Excuse me. Um, this button." She pointed. "Does it look chocolatey to you?"

After lunch (during which Buffy sat at one of the plastic booths, alone, eating a Medley), Buffy walked slowly through the kitchen area and over to the freezer door, looking around. No one else was visible. She opened the freezer door. Inside the walk-in freezer, she saw a tall rack of shelves laden with boxes of frozen meat.

Buffy closed the door, revealing Manny watching her. She jumped.

"You don't need to be in there."

Buffy was nervous. "Sorry. I was just curious."

"Curiosity killed the cat." Manny moved away.

"Theory #5: cat burgers."

Later, Buffy was working the counter. A couple of customers moved aside, revealing Tara and Dawn.

Dawn smiled. "Hey, Buffy! We're here to support you."

Buffy smiled. "Thank you. This is cool of you guys."

"So, Buff, how's it going?" Tara asked.

"I don't know. I-I've waited before, but...this is different."

Dawn frowned. "Uh, when have you waited?"

"That summer in L.A., after junior year. It was a diner, and...we had, you know, lots of people that didn't tip and funny, funny health code violations...but...it - it wasn't like it is here. I think there's something wrong here."

Tara and Dawn leaned closer to hear Buffy.

"There's - There's this manager, right, and he's all scary and mysterious, you know? And then there's the secret ingredient. And - And the people that work here? They're - They're kind of strange, you know? They just...just stare into space...plus they disappear."

"Disappear, poof?" Dawn asked.

"No, not poof. Well, I don't think so. I don't know. Maybe it's just the video that's freakin' me out." Buffy wrinkled her nose. "With the cow and the chicken, all swirly together."

Tara made a disgusted face. "Mm, make me hungry, why don't you?" She looked up at the menu board. "How about two of those delicious Medley Meals?"

"Okay, you got it. On me." Buffy moved away.

Tara gave Buffy a warm smile. "Thanks. I think you'll be fine once you settle into the routine."

Buffy returned with a tray containing two Medley Meals. "Here you go, and I double-sized 'em for ya."

"Oh, thanks!" Dawn unwrapped her burger and took a big bite.

"And cut way back on the cat."

"Cat?!" Dawn asked in shock, her mouth full.

Buffy smiled. "Just kidding."

Dawn gave a sarcastic laugh.

Buffy lost her smile. "Probably."

That night, there were a few customers sitting and eating. Gary was clearing trash off the tables.

Buffy was leaning on the cash register, bored. "Sloooow night."

Buffy looked behind her at an older female employee, who was just standing and staring into space.

Buffy sighed, walked over, and tugged the woman's sleeve. "Gina."

Gina slowly turned her entire body to Buffy. Her expression was still blank.

Buffy waved a hand in front of her face, then took off her cap. "Since it's slow, do you think they'll mind if I take another break?"

"We're not allowed. Downtime robs us all."

"Mm, thus quoth Manny. There's no one here." Buffy walked away.

Later, Buffy and Gina were working the counter.

Buffy handed a bag of food to a customer. "Double meat is double sweet. Enjoy!"

"Thank you." The customer took the food and left.

Gina gave Buffy a strange look.

Buffy felt defensive. "Just something I'm trying."

Tara walked up to the counter. "Hey, sorry I'm late."

"Oh, time has no meaning here. Gina, I'm taking a break." Buffy took her hat off and started to move off.

Tara gave Gina a smile and followed Buffy.

In the employee lounge. Tara was sitting cross-legged in a chair at a long table, silently reading the motivational posters on the wall: "Dedication", "Productivity", "Cooperation", and "Motivation".

Buffy walked over with two paper cups filled with regular Pepsi.

Tara smiled. "I have this sudden motivation to dedicate my productive cooperation."

Buffy handed her a cup of soda. "Well, if you close your eyes and repeatedly smash yourself in the head with frozen meat, it'll go away." She sat down next to Tara. "Eventually. I'm hoping. Thanks for coming by."

"Of course. Have you discovered anything weird yet?" Tara took a sip of Pepsi.

"Oh, where do I begin?" Buffy took a sip of Pepsi. "Nothing deadly...yet...but, yeah, plenty of weirdness is afoot - mixed in with the utterly mundane."

Tara smiled. "Or udderly."

Buffy laughed. "Thanks, I needed that. I've been stuck wearing this stupid-ass uniform all day, and I've found nothing."

Tara laughed. "Hey, blinding orange is your very best color. And that - that...burger smell is appealing."

Buffy was upset. "You smelled the smell?"

In Minden, Louisiana, Shannon was sitting in a parked car with her boyfriend, Alex, in the woods. The blond vampire was in the driver's seat. The couple was making out.

Shannon pulled back and grinned. "Let's fool around."

"What about your parents?" Alex asked.

Shannon started unbuttoning her shirt and took it off. "It's okay. I don't have to be home 'til midnight." She unfastened her bra and took it off.

Alex put his hands on Shannon's breasts and started groping them. Shannon pressed her lips to Alex's and kissed him passionately, breathing heavily. Alex opened his mouth. Shannon slipped her tongue into it. Then Alex forced his tongue into Shannon's mouth. Shannon reached down and unfastened Alex's belt. She unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans. Alex sucked on Shannon's tongue.

Shannon broke the kiss. "Suck my titties."

Alex lowered his head and captured Shannon's right nipple between his lips. He started sucking on it.

Shannon ran her hands through Alex's hair. "Use your teeth."

Alex started plucking at Shannon's nipple with his teeth. Then he switched to her left nipple.

"Use your fangs. Take some blood."

Alex tore into Shannon's breast with his fangs, not too hard. He started sucking blood from it.

Eventually, Shannon started feeling light-headed. "Okay, that's enough."

Alex stopped. He looked up at Shannon, blood on his lips. Shannon pulled him into a deep kiss, tasting her own blood on his lips and tongue.

Shannon pulled back, lowered herself, and pulled Alex's erect penis out of his underwear. Shannon looked up at him and grinned, then took his cock into her mouth, closing her lips around it. She started sucking it eagerly, sliding her lips up and down its length. "Mmmmmmm..."

Minutes passed as Shannon lost herself in the blowjob that she was giving her boyfriend, her entire world being reduced to the room-temperature flesh within her mouth.

Alex groaned as Shannon bobbed her head up and down. Shannon felt his cock throb, and, moments later, she was rewarded for her efforts with a steady torrent of cum flooding her mouth. Shannon swallowed eagerly, not stopping until she had swallowed every last drop.

Shannon let Alex's softening dick slip from her mouth, and she smiled and smacked her lips in appreciation. "Mmmm, that was delicious."

Alex grinned and pulled Shannon into a deep kiss.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the passenger window. Startled, Shannon broke the kiss and looked.

Jessica was standing there. "Ready to go?"

"I've got plenty of time."

"Yeah, but I don't. I've gotta finish some homework."

"Why didn't you do it before we left your house?" Shannon asked.

"I wasn't thinkin'."

Shannon rolled her eyes and looked at Alex. "Sorry, I gotta go. Eat me next time?"

Alex grinned. "Sure."

Shannon quickly kissed Alex on the lips, then she picked up her bra and shirt and put them on.

She opened the door, got out of the car, and closed the door.

Alex started the car, turned on the headlights, and drove off.

Jessica looked at Shannon and grinned. "So how much spunk did he shoot?"

Shannon grinned. "Three times the recommended daily value."

Jessica grinned.

The next day, at 9:00 AM, Buffy stood behind Timothy at the time clock.

Buffy sighed. "Feels like I just left, you know?"

Timothy turned slowly to look at her. "You came back." He punched his card.

Buffy was not thrilled. "I came back."

Timothy moved away. Buffy took down her time card and punched it, then returned her card to its place. She went to walk off and found Manny standing there. She jumped and gasped.

"Gary's gone."

"Gary. Oh, the guy that helped me out at the counter yesterday?"

"He didn't show up this morning."

"Well, shift's just starting."

"He was supposed to unlock early this morning. Didn't show. Pull his card."

Buffy frowned. "Well, I'm - I'm sure, you know, he's just late." She removed Gary's card from the rack. "He didn't seem like he was leaving."

"I'm moving Timothy to counter. You're on grill."

"Me?"

"I've been watching you."

"B-But I-I don't know how to grill."

Manny smiled. "Just think. This is the last day you'll ever be able to say that."

Buffy was displeased. She walked past him.

Buffy stood beside the grill as Philip explained how it worked.

"You put the beef on the grill, you hit the button, then it beeps. You flip the beef, hit the other button, then it beeps. You put it on the bun..." He paused. "There's not a button for that."

"Repeat until insane."

Philip put meat patties on the grill. "It eliminates variation." He pushed a button. "Every burger at every Doublemeat Palace is the same."

Buffy looked at him.

"People don't like variation."

"Got it. Variety is the spice of bad."

"Mm." Philip had his arms crossed, staring at the meat.

Steam rose as the meat cooked.

"So...what's the secret ingredient?" Buffy ventured.

Philip didn't take his eyes off the grill. "It's a meat process."

"Well, what does that mean?"

"It's a process; they do it to the meat."

"But what is it?"

"It's just the name of the process."

Buffy gave up. "Oh. Yeah."

The grill beeped. Philip picked up a metal spatula and gave it to Buffy.

"So I...guess we're gonna get...kinda greasy, huh?" Buffy asked.

"Mm."

Buffy took the spatula and flipped the burgers over.

"Skin...hair...eyelashes...nostrils..."

Buffy made a disgusted face.

"...inside your ears..." Philip looked at Buffy. "You wanna look inside my ears?"

Buffy was very disgusted. "No. No, that's okay."

"Once, I noticed I couldn't hear and went to the doctor. He said it was grease...that made a plug."

"Ohh."

"Mm. They gave me a kit. Kit for cleaning my ears." Philip smiled. "It's got this little bulb mechanism."

Buffy gave him a fake smile. "Imagine that."

Philip laughed, and Buffy tried to laugh, too.

"Buffy?" Manny asked.

"Yay! It's Manny!" Relieved, Buffy put down her hat and went over to Manny.

"You're working a double shift."

"What? A...nother eight hours? Right after these eight hours? But that's...so many hours."

"You get paid for it. Plus an extra free Doublemeat Medley."

Buffy pouted. "What happened? Why the double shiftiness?"

"Gary didn't show. And now one of my grinder guys is late, too."

"But they could still show up, right? I mean...they could be anywhere."

Suddenly, Timothy slammed a huge bag of meat down onto the table beside Buffy. "Your meat's here."

Buffy made a face.

At East Hills Teen Center, Anne, Faith, and Cordelia were laying down mats in a room that they had cleared.

Anne looked at Faith. "I can't believe I let you talk me into this."

Faith smiled. "C'mon, chica, a self-defense class'll be fuckin' dope, yo."

Cordelia smiled. "So is this gonna be the L.A. branch of Slayer School?"

"No!" Anne declared. "I think we can barely afford the insurance for a basic martial arts class as it is. If Buffy wants to train girls with axes and pointy sticks, that's on her; I'm not taking that risk."

Cordelia walked over to the doorway and took hold of the cabinet that was to store the protective gear. "Buffy's got insurance; she's not that incompetent."

Faith rushed over and grabbed the other side of the cabinet. "Oh, hey, Cordy, hang on, lemme give you a hand with that."

Cordelia and Faith lifted the cabinet and brought it into the room.

"Where do you want it, boss?" Faith asked Anne.

Anne pointed at an empty spot in the back corner. "Over there."

"Has there been any interest in the class yet?" Cordelia asked.

Anne shook her head. "Not yet."

Cordelia and Faith set the cabinet down.

Faith looked at Cordelia. "Oh, uh, Cooper twins."

"Who?" Anne asked.

Faith looked at Anne. "Justine and Julia Cooper. Redheads. I saved Julia from a vampire attack last summer. They're thirty; I hope that's okay."

Anne thought about it for a moment, then shrugged. "Fine."

That night, Todd, a young man about Buffy's age, was leaning against the wall nearby, eating a burger, while Buffy used a scraper to scrape the grease from the top of the grill. A bucket of grease sat beside it.

"You see, Buffy, the thing you gotta learn about the Palace, and this takes a while, is that job security all boils down to one simple thing."

Buffy looked over at Todd expectantly.

"Politics."

Buffy paused in confusion, then resumed scraping.

"Now, I'm not a political animal, but you learn fast around here, or it's wham! Hello, glass ceiling."

Buffy made a face as she lifted a spatula full of grease. Todd tipped the bucket, so she could dump the grease into it. She resumed scraping.

"I mean...it's not like we work at Burger King or McDonald's, where the power structure is simple. No, here at the Palace, you gotta keep your friends close, but your enemies? Closer."

Buffy nodded, rolling her eyes.

"It's like Machiavelli says."

Buffy was confused.

"You know Machiavelli, right?"

"Tall guy, bleached mullet, works day shifts?"

Todd laughed. "Machiavelli was..."

Buffy tuned him out and put nine burgers on the grill to cook. After a while, she used a spatula to flip them over.

"And that's where even your best political minds can drop the ball. Zeitgeist! You're not taking the pulse of the public, the next thing you know, you're LBJ handing the house keys over to Nixon. You know, we're out of special sauce."

"I'll get it."

"No, no. Your turn up front. I'll deal back here. You take the customers."

Buffy was less than thrilled.

"Ooh, don't forget to lock up before you go, and the gum under the tables? Be sure to give it a good scrape before you leave."

"May I?" Buffy asked sarcastically. She turned and walked off.

Later, Buffy lowered a basket of uncooked french fries into the vat of hot oil. It began to bubble and sizzle. Buffy looked at another basket, which was sitting above the oil. The oil underneath it bubbled wildly. Timothy and Buffy stood side-by-side, staring mesmerized at the boiling oil.

"It's boiling with nothing in it. Sometimes, it does that. They say bugs fall in there." Timothy paused. "Oh, I'm back. You can go on your break now."

Buffy snapped out of it, then turned to walk away. Buffy took off her cap and ran her hand through her hair.

Later, Buffy was cooking fries on her own. A pile of French fries sat in a hopper under a heat lamp. More fries were in the boiler, cooking. The fryer beeped, and she removed the basket of cooking fries from the hot oil, then set it to drain. She grimaced and turned to walk away, bored.

"Buffy." Manny stood a few feet away, next to a counter. "Buffy."

Buffy turned toward him. "What?"

"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were on drugs."

"I'm good."

Manny stared at her for a moment, then turned away.

"I wish I was on drugs." Buffy turned and walked back to the French fries. She lifted the basket out of the fryer and dumped its contents into the hopper under the heat lamp. She saw the new batch of fries was burnt black. "Shit."

During her latest break, Buffy went to the graveyard for a quick patrol. "'Get the double treat that's the double sweet; oh, it's hard to beat when the meat meets-'" She paused. "Fuck, why can't I get this stupid jingle out of my head?"

A vampire jumped out in front of her. "Least of your problems now, little girl."

Buffy sighed. "Okay, let's do this." She pointed at him. "Quickly."

The vampire swung at her. She ducked, then punched him. He reeled aside and kicked her. He grabbed her by the upper arms and pulled her toward him, moving to bite her neck as she struggled to shove him away.

Then the vampire pulled back, still holding her. "What's that smell?" He sniffed. "Jeez, Slayer, is that you?"

"I've been working!" Buffy told him.

"Where, in a slaughterhouse?!"

Buffy pouted. "Doublemeat Palace."

"Ohhh." He let go and backed away. "You know what? Let's just call it a night."

Buffy was surprised.

"If it's all the same to you; and you've been eating that shit; I'm not so sure I wanna bite you."

"You're dead! You smell like it!"

The vampire shrugged and nodded.

"How do you get to say I'm the one that's stinky?" Buffy pouted.

"Really, it's - it's cool, I'll just catch you next time."

Buffy threw a stake into his heart. He groaned and died.

Buffy felt triumphant for a moment, then lowered her head to sniff herself. She made a face and walked off.

Later, Buffy watched ground meat extruding out of a grinder. The blades were rotating and moving chunks of meat around with them. The ground meat oozed out into the hopper.

Suddenly, Buffy crouched down and dug around in the ground meat with her hands. She found a severed human finger, picked it up, and looked at it.

Buffy rushed into Manny's office, holding the finger. He was hanging up a framed poster reading "Dedication".

"Look! Look what I found under the meat grinder!" Buffy yelled.

Manny looked. "Oh, my God."

"Wanna tell me what's going on?"

"I'm not sure."

"Try again."

Manny looked nervous. "Well...there was an accident, maybe six weeks ago, a grinder incident."

"Right, but, see, this isn't six weeks old. This is new."

"It is? Oh...well, maybe Gary did come in this morning or, I don't know, late last night; maybe there was an accident. Got himself to the hospital."

"Right. Maybe he's in the hospital. Or maybe he's in the grinder! Huh? Huh? Meat process, secret ingredient? Maybe Gary's on the grill! Or maybe he's under the pickle chips!" Buffy yelled.

She turned and ran off.

"Buffy. Buffy!" Manny yelled.

Buffy ran through the kitchen and into the customer area.

"Stop! Stop! Everyone, you have to stop! Stop eating!" Buffy shoved a customer's tray, so it spilled, then grabbed a burger from another customer's hand.

Buffy saw the family from her first day on the job. The little boys began to cry as Buffy grabbed their food away from them.

"No, you can't have this! It's not beef! It's people!" Buffy continued to run through the restaurant, shoving customers' trays off their tables. "The Doublemeat Medley is people!"

Manny and Timothy ran over and grabbed her, then began hauling her back toward the kitchen.

"The meat layer is definitely people! It's people! It's people! Probably not the chickeny part. But who knows? Who! Knows!" Buffy yelled.

The people stared at her.

The old woman from before pushed to the front, holding up a half-eaten pie. "What about the cherry pie?"

Manny and Timothy managed to wrestle Buffy back into the kitchen area. She shoved Timothy aside with one arm.

"What are you doing? I thought you were part of the team!" Manny yelled.

Buffy backhanded Manny, and he flew onto a counter, slid across it, and onto the floor. Philip rushed Buffy, and she shoved him back with Slayer strength. He flew across the room.

Manny lay on the floor, glaring up at Buffy. "You are fired."

Buffy gave him an angry look and stormed out.

Buffy, Dawn, and Katrina were in the kitchen at home.

"There's something wrong at the Doublemeat Palace. Really wrong." Buffy turned and walked over toward the counter.

Katrina got up and followed. "Have you been demon-fighting? Is that why you smell funny?"

"No! I'm talking about..." Buffy paused, sniffed her shirt, pulled some hair in front of her face, sniffed it, and made a face. "Ucch. That's great. That's - That's just great. I try to do the simplest thing in the world - get an ordinary job in a well-lit place - and look: I'm right back where I started. Blood and death and funky smells." She fiddled with the wrapped severed finger on the counter. "Look. Look what I found near the grinder." Buffy removed some tissue paper that she had wrapped the severed finger in.

"Ew." Katrina paused. "Whose is it?"

"I don't know. It might be this guy named Gary, the only one in the whole place that didn't seem all brain-dead. He didn't show up this morning. Except now I think he was there the whole time. As the secret ingredient. We need to analyze that burger. We need to find out if it used to be people."

Dawn turned from the island in alarm. Her mouth was full of burger. "What?!"

Buffy and Katrina turned to look at her. The empty burger wrapper was on the island beside her.

Dawn swallowed. "People?"

"Dawn, you ate the burger?!" Buffy asked incredulously.

Dawn stood up, frantic. "Well, first you say it's cat, then you come in and hand me a burger, blah, blah, blah, five minutes later: 'Oh, and, by the way, it happens to be hot, delicious human flesh'!"

Buffy was irritated. "I needed that burger to analyze it. Now, I'm gonna have to get another one."

"That's your problem with this scenario? You getting seconds?" Dawn asked.

Amy walked into the kitchen. "What's going on? More sibling rivalry? Did someone say something about food?"

Dawn took a deep breath and gestured at the empty wrapper. "You missed the Gary Burger. You wouldn't want any. Apparently, the Doublemeat Medley is people." She belched and put her hand over her mouth.

Amy looked at the burger wrapper in disgust. "Whoa. Bad."

Buffy started thinking. "I bet it's not even just this one time. Or even this one town. There are Doublemeat Palaces all over California."

Dawn was disgusted. "I've eaten there a lot."

"Well, everyone has! They've got the perfect deal. Everyone expects high turnover of the employees, they get the meat for nothing, and..." Buffy paused in realization. "And they have us disposing of the bodies! How sick is that? We need to bring down the whole corporation. Trina, Dawn ate the burger; is there any way for sure to figure out what it was?"

Amy looked at Dawn. "You ate it?"

Dawn didn't want to talk about it. "Um, we have the wrapper. There's little scribbles of meat on the wrapper."

Katrina nodded. "I can start analyzing it at the college's chem lab."

Buffy picked up her jacket. "Okay, good, you get working on that. It's after closing, so I'm gonna go there and see what I can find out. Whoever or...whatever is killing the employees, I gotta stop it, and fast, before Sunnydale turns into the Troublemeat Palace."

Everyone looked at Buffy.

"I wish I'd said something else." Buffy left the kitchen.

Katrina picked up the wrapper and left the kitchen as well.

Amy walked over and sat next to Dawn.

Dawn looked at Amy. "My friend, Janice? Her sister's a lawyer."

"You wanna sue over the burger?" Amy asked her.

"No, I just mean..." Dawn sighed. "Buffy's never gonna be a lawyer or a doctor. Anything big."

"She's a Slayer. She saves the whole world. That's way bigger."

"But that means she's gonna have, like, shit jobs her entire life, right?" Dawn asked. "Minimum wage shit. I mean...I could still grow up to be anything. But for her...this is it."

Amy started thinking about how Katrina saw her.

Buffy walked slowly through the dark restaurant. She opened the door to the walk-in freezer and walked in, looking around. The door began to swing shut behind her. She grabbed it just before it locked her in. She left the freezer.

Buffy touched one of the blades of the meat grinder, then looked at her fingers and sniffed them. She crouched down to look at the opening where the ground meat came out. She heard a metallic noise coming from behind her.

Buffy turned and frowned. "Manny?"

She got up and started walking in that direction. Suddenly, she tripped over something and fell down. She saw a shoe with a severed foot in it. The ankle stump was bloody. The shoes were the style that Manny was wearing earlier.

"Ohh. Manny?" Buffy picked it up, stood up again, and wrinkled her nose. "Guess you really were a lifer." Buffy walked slowly through the kitchen, still holding the severed foot. She saw something on a table. "Scalp?" She put the foot down on the table and stared at the thing. "Wig!" She picked it up. "Wig lady?"

"Oh, dear."

Buffy turned to find the old lady standing behind her, bald.

"Wig lady, is that what they call me?"

Buffy stared at her, frowning.

"I don't care for that." She took a few steps closer. "I mean...I have to do something to hide this."

A huge snake-like thing pushed its way out of the top of her bald head. Its eyes were her eyes, so it left her face eye-less and sagging. It had a round, bald head and a toothy mouth with the eyes underneath the mouth. It extended to ten feet long, still connected to the old lady, and hovered in the air in front of Buffy's face. The face on the end of it squealed and suddenly squirted a mist at Buffy. Buffy tried to get away but found she couldn't move.

"It's paralyzing. Don't try to move, dear. You really can't...much."

The snake-head thing continued to squeal and move toward Buffy as she tried to back away. Buffy managed to break free and jump to the side as the creature struck out at her.

"The paralysis spreads upward, by the way. You may want to flail your arms a bit while you still can."

Buffy was struggling away slowly, gripping the counter for support.

The wig lady followed. "Did I tell you? You're my favorite."

Buffy glanced back and continued trying to get away.

"Doublemeat workers. You're all so full of Doublemeat burgers, and you just slide down so smooth."

Buffy reached the end of the counter that she was leaning on, fell to the floor, and tried to push herself back up.

"Oh, I just love the paralysis. It means I can eat you slowly."

The snake head was right up in Buffy's face. Suddenly, she punched it, and it flew aside, squealing. Buffy began crawling along the floor, using mainly her arms.

Buffy reached the other side of a metal counter and sat up beside it, using her hands to pull her paralyzed legs up beside her. She grunted, then was alarmed and tried to be quiet.

"I know you're under there."

The snake head squealed. Buffy cringed.

"Buffy? Are you in there?" Katrina asked.

Buffy looked around. Katrina's voice seemed to come from nowhere, sounding tinny. Then Buffy realized Katrina must have been talking into the microphone at the drive-thru ordering station outside.

"I can't see you inside."

Buffy crouched behind a metal table with the wig lady on the other side. Buffy was alarmed and began to move again, pulling herself along the floor beside the metal counter.

"Buffy, if you're in there, the burger isn't people."

Suddenly, the snake head came between the sections of the counter and faced Buffy, squealing. She gasped and ducked down to slither underneath the bottom shelf.

"They aren't even meat; it's all processed vegetables. Isn't that weird?" Katrina asked.

Buffy pulled herself along underneath the counter. Buffy poked her head out from under the table, looking around cautiously.

"Buffy?" Katrina asked.

Buffy looked around, didn't see anything, and began to crawl out. Suddenly, the wig lady appeared, the snake head in Buffy's face again. She slid back underneath the counter, but the wig lady bent over, grabbed Buffy's shoulders, and hauled her out and onto her feet.

Then the lady just stood there as the snake head began to bite at the shoulder of Buffy's jacket. Buffy gasped in pain, then reached behind her, trying to find something on the counter that she could use as a weapon, but she only managed to push some stuff off onto the floor. The wig lady grabbed Buffy again and shoved Buffy across the room. Buffy bumped up against the meat grinder, and her hand hit the red button. The grinder blades began to whirl. The snake head still had hold of Buffy's shoulder and was biting her. Buffy was completely paralyzed.

Katrina opened the door that Buffy had ripped open and ran in. "Buffy!"

The wig lady and the snake head both turned to look at Katrina. "Visitor! How nice."

The snake head spat its paralyzing liquid at Katrina, who shrieked and jumped aside. The wig lady and snake head turned back to Buffy. It resumed biting Buffy.

Suddenly, Katrina arrived behind the wig lady. "Missed me."

Katrina lifted a metal stool and stabbed, severing the snake body right above the wig lady's head. The snake mouth squealed and let go of Buffy, leaving a bloody wound on her shoulder. Buffy fell to the floor. The wig lady groaned and swayed back and forth. The severed stump on her head oozed yellow liquid. The lady and the severed snake creature fell to the floor, beside Buffy. The creature was still wriggling and squealing.

"Buffy!" Katrina yelled.

Buffy lifted her hand, holding a plastic butter knife. She stabbed the snake with it. It continued to squeal.

Katrina ran over and grabbed the snake creature, wrestled it up, and threw it into the grinder. All seemed quiet for an instant, then the snake head reappeared over the edge of the grinder compartment, squealing. Katrina screamed and shoved it back down into the grinder. The squealing noises died away, accompanied by disgusting squishy noises.

Katrina leaned down and helped Buffy up. "Buffy, are you all right?"

"Para...lyzed, but...I think it's wearing off."

Katrina smiled. "Buffy, look!"

Buffy and Katrina looked inside the grinder as the blades went round and round, chopping the gray-green creature into smaller bright green pieces with lots of yellowish blood. Buffy and Katrina then looked over to the part where the ground meat came out. Ground-up green snake meat started oozing out.

Buffy and Katrina frowned in disgust. "Ewwwww."

The next day, on a bright, sunny morning, at the Summers' house, Amy walked downstairs, into the basement, carrying the laundry basket.

She walked over to the laundry machine, set the basket on top of the dryer, opened the laundry machine, and started putting the laundry in.

Katrina walked downstairs and over to Amy. "Hey."

"Hey." Amy picked up the bottle of laundry detergent, opened it, and poured some into the machine. "We need detergent."

"I'll add it to the shopping list, so we won't forget."

Amy smiled. "I'll hold you to that. If they start calling me 'stinky Amy', I'm just gonna say 'Hey, not my fault...'"

Katrina laughed.