Chapter 37: Give Me Strength

APOV

Drive West, Colorado, USA

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

I woke with a jolt, my heart pounding in my chest like I'd just had a nightmare, except this wasn't a dream. The realization hit me—what happened in Volterra with Aro, it had gone off course. The plot wasn't following the book anymore, and that meant everything I thought I knew, everything I'd been bracing myself for, was slipping out of control.

Aro. The vampire who could see every thought you've ever had with just a touch. And Edward—Edward fucking Cullen, of all people, had been in his presence. My mind raced, piecing it together in a blur of fear and frustration. If Aro had picked up on anything, if he knew about me, then everything was at risk. The Volturi were no longer just characters in a story. They were real, and they were dangerous. But I could face them. I'd accepted my place in this world, accepted that if the Volturi wanted me turned, then so be it. I could deal with that. Even if that was still an uncertainty it would work.

But talking to Edward? That was something else entirely. The idea of having to ask him for help, to rely on him, gave me the willies. He was the one who'd turned Jasper into the villain of the story, the one who'd driven the family into exile. I hated him for that. And now, I had to be nice to him, had to swallow my pride and ask him what he knew.

The thought sent me spiraling, and before I could stop myself, I was reaching for Jasper, the one person who could tether me when it felt the world was against me. Which it absolutely did feel like in that moment. But even his calming presence wasn't enough this time. I needed something more. I needed to find my centre, to gather my strength for what was coming.

"Tex, can we make a detour?" I asked, trying to keep my voice steady. "I need to find a church."

He didn't question me, just took the next exit. The relief I felt when we pulled up to that Episcopalian church was overwhelming. It was like a lifeline, something familiar and solid in a world that had turned upside down.

Inside, I sat down in the first pew I found and closed my eyes. I wasn't overly religious, but there was something about the quiet, the smell of old wood and candles, which helped me focus. I didn't pray for a miracle; I wasn't naive enough to think that would solve anything. But I did pray for strength. Strength to face what was coming, to face Edward without letting my anger consume me.

The words of Psalm 19 came to mind, something our priest growing up would say all the time "Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer." While he always opened his sermon with those words, I felt them apt. I need strength and guidance to be able to speak with Edward, to hide my annoyance for what he had put my sweet Jasper through these past six months. To set aside the bitterness and all the negativity and be the better person.

I could do this. I would do this.

When I finally emerged, I felt lighter, like I could breathe again. Jasper was waiting for me, concern etched on his face. Emmett and Rosalie were in the Ranger Rover, clearly confused.

"Ahh, you guys figured it out too, eh?" I asked as I slid back into the passenger seat.

Jasper's worry spilled over, his voice tight with fear. "Anya! How can you be so calm about this? You know—you know you can't be calm about this."

I looked at him, and for a moment, all the fear melted away. This was why I could be calm—because of him. I leaned in, kissed him, letting him feel my resolve. "Well, before we get ahead of ourselves, we have to…" I hesitated, the words bitter on my tongue. "talk to Edward."

"Talk to Edward?" Jasper repeated, disbelief colouring his tone.

"What the fuck for?!" Rosalie hissed in frustration, but I held up a hand.

"If anyone knows if we truly have an issue on our hands, it's Edward," I said, the calm I'd fought for in the church holding steady. "He would know if Aro caught on about me."

I'll be honest, I sure as shit did not want to talk to the creepy little fucker, but it was what needed to be done. And I was ready. Because if facing Edward was the price I had to pay to know if I had a bounty on my head, then I would do it. No matter how much it made my blood boil. Which it did. Calm Anya, hold onto that calm.

Jasper started to laugh and then he leaned in and kissed me repeatedly across the face, his touch gentle and reassuring. "Are you ready to do battle?" he whispered.

I laughed, the sound surprising even me. "Well, we might need to make another stop first. But yes, I've channeled my inner calmness to deal with the damn idiot."

When we pulled into Forks—well, really, when we detoured around the town and headed straight for the Cullens' home—I was faced with a new problem. A minor irritation compared to the Volturi and Edward, but a problem, nonetheless. I was supposed to be dead.

The people of Forks thought I was dead. I never asked Carlisle exactly how he staged it—whether it was a car accident or an explosion at my house—but the result was the same. I couldn't be seen in town, which meant I was effectively homeless.

Merde. That was a complication I didn't expect. I could see the concern etched on Jasper's face as he parked. He was always so attuned to my emotions, and before I could even voice my thoughts, he turned to me, his brow furrowed. "I can talk to Edward for you if you like?"

Right. Edward. I still had to be nice to the damn idiot who'd created this whole mess in the first place. The thought of it made me want to scream, but instead, I laughed—a slightly manic sound that even surprised me. I leaned over, kissed Jasper softly, and shook my head.

"Let's hold off on that until morning," I said, trying to keep the frustration out of my voice. "Right now, I'm more concerned about where I'm supposed to, well, live. You know, given I'm supposed to be dead."

Jasper's eyes softened with understanding, and he reached out to take my hand. "With me, of course, darlin'. I'm sure we have a spare coffin inside, given the fact that, you know—you're dead."

God, how I loved that man. I deadpanned back, "Well, only if we have adjoining coffins."

His smile widened, that familiar spark of amusement dancing in his eyes. "I wouldn't have it any other way," he replied, pulling me closer for another kiss.