A/N: Just a heads up, this chapter is pure insanity. Hazbin hilarity at its finest. You won't see the chaos coming until it happens.
Hope you're ready; because this one's gonna blow the last out the water.
On another note, we have a somewhat shorter chapter today. *coughs* Not feeling well. Might be taking Thursday off to recover, as its my only day off this week. Hopefully I haven't caught the flu...
But hey, would you look at that? Yet another weekly update, three times in a row. I'll try to maintain it as long as I can.
Easier said than done, that, I'm down to one day off a week, and its wearing me out...
Looking forward to your feedback.
So here we go. The fate of this story depends on you, the reader. Your feedback determines the fate of this tale, and many others. As ever, I own no references, quotes, themes or memes. They're tributes to legends far, far, FAR greater than little 'ol me. I'm just a humble author trying to make his way in this wild world, one word at a time. Feedback is important. This chapter doesn't pull its punches! Hope you're ready for some chaos!
Last but not least, I hope you've noticed the song-based-chapter-title theme we've got going on here now~!
We needn't use the song names themselves, but rather phrases from within them.
Ergo, we have PLENTY of titles to work with now...away we go~!
"Morningstar. I have some information for you. In the interest of maintaining peaceful relations between us I-
"Wait, wait, wait. Is that you Sera? Well, shit. Haven't heard from you in years. Whatcha want, bitch?"
"Someone made your daughter cry."
...WHO?!"
~Sera.
Just Like Us
Well, well, well!
Now wasn't this a familiar situation...?
Naruto smirked, releasing a bemused breath into the asphalt.
There wasn't any pain, not really, but the impact alone had him seeing stars. He'd actually had his brain rocked for a moment there. Not many folks who could do that. Only five that came to mind, really. And those with red eyes...? Well, that narrowed it even further. Blinking the blazing dots them from his vision, he twisted his head aside, momentarily freeing himself from his captor's grasp before another hand came crashing down on the back of his head, locking him in place.
Again, he felt neither pain nor fear, nor even the slightest concern.
"Ya know, there's really no need for this...
Because, you see, he knew those eyes.
Oh yes, he knew them very well.
Even if they were hiding their face in that tattered cloak.
A low growl rumbled above him in response to his smile. "You insufferable bastard...say something!"
Craning his neck back as much as his captor would allow, he allowed a crazed grin to split his face. Sarcasm it was! "Awww, I missed you too, honey~!"
Five firm fingers bit into his skull and twisted as an angry voice snarled in his ear. "Care to rephrase that?!"
"Owowowow!" alright, that hurt a little! "Okay, okay! Don't pull the hair!" So speaking, he reached around with a free hand and scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "Long time no see...?"
Those searing red eyes didn't waver. Not once. "Is that all you have to say to me?"
A beat of sweat ran down his brow. "...you look good?"
The hand gripping his skull forced his face deeper into the dirt "Wrong answer!
Vaggie, having seen quite enough, drew her spear. "Hey! Let him go!"
His captor rounded on her, practically frothing at the mouth. "You be quiet, little miss angel! You're responsible for this, too!"
She paused, tilting her head. "I am?"
"You most certainly are!"
Naruto's resultant laugh was muffled into the dirt. "Don't worry, it's fine. They're a friend."
Vaggie looked between him and his hooded captor. "They're not acting very friendly."
"Pretty sure I know the reason for that...!"
Twisting around, he seized hands holding his hand, grabbed the tattered sleeves of the cloak and yanked.
A dismayed shout was his reward. "Don't...!
Too late, the garment fell away...
.
..
...yup." Naruto smacked his lips. "Thought so."
He was beginning to think the afterlife had a cruel sense of humor.
At first glance, one might've been forgiven for mistaking the newcomer for Kushina Uzumaki. Oh, they looked like his mother, but he knew it wasn't. There were subtle differences one easily noticed up close; the eyes were different for one; a blazing slitted red; her face leaner, hair rougher, jaw set in a stern scowl. He didn't remember her being quite so stacked -or tall!- for that matter, either. Of course, the nine bushy tails and fiery fox ears atop "her" head helped to distinguish the kitsune further. The scanalously short-shorts and low cut crimson top only served to further exasperate him.
Still, at least this form was somewhat humanoid.
Humanoid, and very annoyed. Infinitely so.
Poor Kurama...
He'd sensed all this mere moments before impact, hence why he'd allowed himself to be tackled in the first place.
Now?
"And I thought I had it rough." he clasped both hands behind his "Sorry about this, Kurama."
Vaggie's jaw dropped. "That's Kurama?!"
Naruto shrugged. "To be fair, he usually doesn't look like this."
"No kidding! Do you have any idea how annoying it is to have tits?!"
"That's your problem?!"
"Far from it!" The fox's voice was rougher, lower, undoubtedly feminine, but the lofty arrogance definitely belonged to his old partner. I'm stuck in the body of a bitch!" the biju slapped a hand against her hip. "I was naked when I fell down here! I had to swipe these clothes off the second soul I found!
"Second...?"
Her pale face flushed. "Long story. I wasn't about to make a shady deal with that bastard...
Shady deals? Yup. That had Alastor written all over it.
"Regardless!" A finger jabbed into his nose, seeking brain matter. "You're going to fix this! NOW!"
A moment of silence passed.
Yet another, now.
Then:
"And how do you expect me to do that?"
It wasn't as though he could simply open his soul and let the fox back in. Don't get him wrong, he'd be happy to, but he wasn't sure he could! He laid a hand over his stomach, scowling a little as he realized the seal was no longer there.
Of course it wasn't. He died. Why would it be?
Kurama growled, but refrained from arguing. "You're angel now, aren't you?! Take me up to those pearly gates, tell them there's been a MISTAKE and get this fixed! Surely you can at least do that!"
"I mean, sure, but I'm tryin' to figure out why this happened in the first place." Thumbing his chin, he tilted his head, considered the buxom redhead with confusion. "Maybe because the afterlife couldn't give you my form, so they went with the last physical body you were in...? Maybe that's why you kinda resemble mom...?"
Kurama kicked a wall, causing it to rumble. "Don't remind me. If your mother's anywhere in this afterlife, I'm sure she's laughing herself silly."
"I still think there's something else at work here, considering we both died in the first place, ya know...
The fox flicked his forehead. "Speaking of which, how did you manage to die in the first place?"
"Whaddya mean?" he squinted at his old friend. "Sasuke killed us, remember."
The kitsune squinted at him, incredulous. "...that's not what I recall at all."
"Huh? You sure about that? I remembering being run through.
"Nonsense. Something like that shouldn't have killed you."
Strange...
The fox asked another question, distracting him further. "Why were you up in heaven for so long, anyhow? Why didn't you come looking for me?"
Embarrassment shot through him. Emily, Sera, Lute, and a whole host of distractions. "Well, I was busy...
A fist seized his collar dragging him closer. Red eyes glowered at him. "Explain. Now."
"Okay," he held up both hands, "But you can't get mad at me."
"Start talking, and we'll see."
"All right, all right. I was minding my own business...
"Bullshit!"
"I was!" he laughed, fending the fox off with one hand. "Do you think I asked for this getup? I literally died and found myself in heaven."
Kurama huffed. "And me down here."
As if he needed reminding! "A lot's happened since I wound up there...some wingy bastard named Adam picked a fight with me and-
"Adam? Never heard of him."
Naruto flung up his arms. "That's what I said! Look, there's a ton to unpack; I'll do my best to help you, but I'm a bit busy at the moment-
Kurama stomped on his foot. "I look like some redheaded bimbo! What could possibly be more important than fixing this?!"
Naruto looked away with a whistle, scratching his cheek. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you...
The foxgirl scowled. "Its a woman, isn't it?"
"Uh, no...?"
"Riiiight. Speaking of girls," Kurama jerked a thumb over "her" shoulder at Vaggie with an indignant huff, "That one's been staring at my tits for the last five minutes."
Said angel recoiled with a sputtering blush. "I have not!"
"Child, I have eyes. Yours have been fixed on my bosom. What's even to like about them?" She hefted the pert mounds of flesh with a growl, looking like she wanted nothing more than to tear them off. "Blasted fleshbags. They're so heavy. How does your kind walk with these? What purpose do they serve?"
Vaggie made noise caught somewhere between a sigh and a groan.
Naruto covered her eyes to spare her. "You're making the poor girl drool, Kurama."
"Am I? I hadn't noticed. But enough games!" the fox dropped both arms and began tapping a bare foot impatiently. "Take me up to Heaven this instant so I can get this sorted out."
"I will, I will," he placated with a raised hand. "I just need to get Vaggie back to Charlie first-
"No!" A stomp shattered the street. This is more important!"
Stubborn fox. "Kurama-
"Naruto!"
"It's literally gonna take less than a minute!"
"Every second in this form is an indignity I cannot bear!"
Vaggie raised a hand. "Is it really that bad? She's awfully easy on the eyes...
Kurama glared bloody red daggers at her, voice warping ominously. "Finish that sentence at your own peril, winged pigeon."
"Pigeon?!"
"Down, girl." Naruto chopped the back of her head lest she get herself killed. "You have Charlie."
She huffed and squirmed out from under his hand. "Sorry...
"Fine." Kurama surprised him by abruptly backing down. "I'll wait. Shall we shake on it?"
Warily, he offered his hand.
Kurama accepted his palm, held tight.
And promptly flung him over his shoulder and into a wall.
Incredulous, he ripped himself out of the brickwork, leaving a decidedly angel-shaped impression behind. He was still shaking his head when a streak of scarlet light blitzed him; rather than retaliate, he tripped, sending the blazing blur sprawling into the street at his feet in a disheveled heap.
"Can't fight so well in that new body of yours, can ya?"
A tail seized his ankle and whipped him face first into the floor with an audible crunch.
"Hey!" Naruto sprang back with a sigh. "Can we not do this right now? I've had a helluva day." He was still speaking when Kurama slugged him in the face, snapping his head back. "Ow!" Just as quickly, he snapped back down, halo aglow and eyes ablaze. "Nevermind, we're back in business! You asked for it!"
A quick one-two punch floored his old comrade, leaving the fox reeling. He made the mistake of turning his back to check on Vaggie, then. The moment he did, Kurama tackled him to the floor.
Pinning him there, the fox planted a clawed hand on his chest.
"You started this mess, Naruto Uzumaki! You will fix it! Even if I must make you!"
He scowled up at them, indignant. "Big talk from a bipedal bitch...
In hindsight, he really hadn't meant to say that aloud. Errors have been made. They were his.
Kurama absolutely hissed. "Bitch, am I? Let me show you how bitchy I can be!"
The fox reared back and punched him through a building.
(.0.0.0.)
Everything shook.
Blitzo creaked an eye open where he lay in bed.
Scowled now, rolled over with a growl. "Noisy bastards. M'trying ta sleep here...
Besides, it was was probably nothing...
.
..
...right?
(.0.0.0.)
Vaggie watched two monsters fight.
It was like watching the Sins themselves go at it; buildings were shorn free, the street uprooted, chaos and fire and holy light everywhere. Sinners shouldn't be able to inflict have the damage they did, but Kurama was clearly no menial sinner and Naruto was far more than that. The duo ripped and tore their way across the street like a pair of berserkers, not caring a jot for their surroundings.
And yet, somehow, neither managed to make the other bleed.
For all the dirge and destruction, all the attention they were no doubt attracting, they didn't shed a drop of blood.
She wasn't sure whether she found that amazing...or horrifying.
Naruto caught one of Kurama's tails, whirled, and smashed them into the ground. He laughed, only for a rousing roundhouse to catch his chin and smash him into a lampost, denting it horribly. He ripped said post free and used it as a bat to smack his old comrade through someone's window, eliciting a sharp shriek of dismay from the owner within.
Kurama tore through the building and and smashed into him.
On and on it went, a raging battle without end.
Should she interrupt? Could she?
Nope!
No way in the hells was she getting involved.
At some point, Verosika staggered up to her in the chaos. "There you are! You're not an easy bitch to find...
She paused.
Saw Naruto and Kurama whaling on one another. Blinked, now.
Scrubbed her eyes with both hands just to be sure.
...the hell did I miss?"
Vaggie made to answer, only to realize Naruto had just lost a good portion of his upper robe, baring his chest to the smoldering air.
Verosika tilted her head with a wolfish whistle. Vaggie mirrored her.
What? She liked girls. She was adamant about that.
Still, she could appreciate some nice muscles...
And when that feisty fox lost her top...
.
..
...well, damn.
Surely, Charlie's were nice and all, but those were freakin' BIG-
"AHEM~!"
Vaggie scowled, drawn from her daydream. "Now what...?"
Verosika gulped.
Everyone looked up.
Someone else looked down upon them.
Another angel hovered above them, six wings lazily treading the air. He wore red and white with a strange hat, his pale face pinched in an expression of pure murder and...oh...oh no no no no...
Vaggie's throat went dry.
Followed by her tongue. Then her entire mouth.
In that instant, she wanted nothing more than to shrivel up and die.
"Alright, you little shits," the newcomer's scowled, last word emerging as a growl, "Which one of you made my daughter cry...?"
And just like that, things went from bad to worse.
Morningstar had arrived.
A/N: Didn't see that coming now, did you?
Lucy over here being best dad~!
Hope you enjoyed this! Would you like weekly updates? One slot remains!
Felt the need to keep the disclaimer down here since the idea of Heaven and Hell has become so hotly debated.
Naruto isn't so much furious at Extermination Day as he is at the idea of it. He's never been to Hell. He doesn't know what its like, only that it amounts to literal angels -of whom Adam is a poor example- are killing a bunch of souls and keeping it secret from the rest of Heaven. And Lute deliberately framed it in the WORST way possible just to upset him.
Of course he doesn't understand. Of course that would upset him. Of course he feels the need to go and see for himself.
After all, we KNOW there are some monsters down there, but there are a food good folk amongst them all.
You can save some, sure, but you can't save everyone.
Reviews are my lifeblood. Without them, I cannot write.
So In the Immortal Words of Atlas...
...Revieeeeew, Would You Kindly?
They keeps an old man alive.
And enjoy the previews.
As ever:
SPOILER! SPOILER! SPOILER!
PLOT DETAILS AHOY!
YE BE WARNED!
Get ready to smile~!
Obvious references are obvious~!
(POTENTIAL!) Previews! What can I say? We've been busy.
Don't mind the X symbols, Fanfiction app doesn't like the scene break lines atm...
"Who are you supposed to be?"
"Do you...not know who I am?
"Should I?"
x
Verosika tilted her head. "Ticklish, you say...?"
x
"Heeeey, whose the broad? She's got a nice ass.
Someone grabbed Kurama's hindquarters.
The fox absolutely hissed.
"DIE!"
x
Naruto sighed.
"Saw that coming...
x
Carmilla pinched his cheeks and scowled at him. "Stupid boy, are you really so dense that you don't realize you're holding the answer?"
Naruto beamed, wholly unfazed by her anger. "Heh. You kept your hair down. Looks nice."
She swore angrily.
x
Emily...?
x
There is great peril considering this, even as a hypothesis, because thoughts lead to actions, whether we intend them or not. Before you know it, we reach disaster, all from good intentions. They used to say that. About roads to bad places. Paved with good intentions. I want to be better." He gripped their throat, dangling him over the edge. "Don't make me let you down."
"You're insane."
"Ah, but what is madness if not the path to brilliance?"
x
"You'll learn, or you will be made to learn. Simple as that."
EDIT: Hope you enjoyed! Looking forward to your feedback!