I woke up with three thoughts in my head.

First and foremost: I had the oddest sense that I hadn't actually talked to anyone in a while. Not in the normal, having a conversation way. I had been talking to plenty of people, or rather I talked AT people often. That was kind of my thing, after all.

No… like when a character in a story, let's say a fanfic, talks to the audience. First person narrative, you know? I felt like I hadn't done that since before I had died.

Second, I wondered just who those characters were talking to when they did first person perspective. I mean… who was the person actually addressing? The audience? Was it supposed to be like they were telling the story years later? Or was there some demented little gremlin that lived in their heads that they were chatting away with?

Third… I realized that I was lying in my bed at Hazbin Hotel when I knew the last thing I had been doing was competing in Cecelia's tournament. And that meant only one thing.

"…oh fuck," I whispered to myself as I got up and saw I was wearing green pajamas with cheery little reindeer on them. "Christmas. Christmas filler arc."

"Eeee eee eee," Aria squeaked in her sleep, curled up in her massive doggy bed, leg kicking slightly. While she had her own room that was connected to my own more often than not I found her in the doggy bed that she herself had purchased, curled up and snoozing softly. It was… well, it was adorable, even if she was over 10 feet tall. World's biggest puppy.

'Of course you aren't much better,' I thought to myself, looking down as I slowly shifted to sit on my mattress. I had been getting bigger ever since I had arrived in Hell, that much was clear. I wasn't sure if it was the repeated shifts into my demon form, reaching Overlord status, or some other magical bullshit unconnected to Hell but where before I had been a few inches over 6 feet now I was now well over 7 feet tall, nearing closer to 8. And my demon form was far, far bigger, towering over Aria which the hellhound thought was the best thing in the world. It was her opinion that my recent growth spurt was because I had declared myself the Alpha of our currently 2-part pack and that the powers of Hell itself were causing me to better reflect that. But no one knew for sure.

All I knew was I kept having to go get fitted for new outfits.

"Aria," I said as I gave her a nudge with my foot, noticing for the first time that rather than her usual outfit she was wearing a doggy sweater and cream colored pants. "Aria, get up. Having a dream." I poked her with my foot again.

"Wha-?" she said as she slowly came awake, blinking before she began to stretch. "Okay… I'm up," she said with a jaw-cracking yawn. She was in her full Hell Hound form and thus I got to see just what the grandma had witnessed right before the Big Bad Wolf ate her. "So uh… what's going on?"

"Filler Arc," I replied. "You Meta Aware yet?" Aria just blinked at me and I scoffed. "Of course you aren't. That would make things to0 easy."

"Sorry?"

I sighed and reached out, Aria letting out an adorable little squeak as I ruffled her hair. "Its fine… eventually I'll get you to understand filler arcs." I moved to pull my hand away but she arched up to keep contact and, just like any needy puppy, I continued to scratch the top of her head, Aria letting out a soft moan of delight as she rested her chin on my leg. Nothing sexual, thankfully, but rather like someone sinking into a warm tub after a long hard day. "Alright, so its Christmastime in Hell so I assume its going to be something really nasty like the nativity scenes having full on orgies or-"

"Wait," Aria said, suddenly snapping up straight and alert. "Christmas or Sinsmas?"

"Sins-what the fuck?"

"Sinsmas," Aria said. "A very special holiday where-"

My radio chose that moment to pop on. "And as a reminder to everyone anything can suddenly change if Vivziepop decides to retcon things! I don't know why I mentioned that! Now then, back to our Piddy Diddy marathon."

"-and that's what Sinsmas is all about," Aria finished with a grin… which then turned into a frown. "But if this is CHRISTMAS time…"

"First off I still have no idea what Sinsmas is. Second off why don't you know what day this is? You aren't meta aware!"

"Edwin, this is important," Aria said with utter seriousness. "Is it Christmas or Sinsmas?"

"Again, I have no idea what Sinsmas is so I assume Christmas. Now, what exactly is-"

The door to our room burst open and I at once reached for Gleipnir only to blink in confusion at the sight of Charlie standing there.

Now, Charlie bursting into my room wasn't anything terribly new. She tended to do it about twice a week. Sometimes not even my room but when I was in the bathroom or in the shower. She never got why this might be a problem because while at times she was utterly innocent and sweet other times, such as when it came to states of undress, nothing phased her. Last time she had complimented my penis. And she tended to do it (the bursting in, not the penis compliments) in all manner of clothing. Her normal suit. Casual wear. On the rare occasion a dress. Once in a gimp suit with Vaggie dressed as a rabbit pulling her away. So her coming in wearing red footie jammies (though, could one call them footie pajamas when Charlie didn't have feet?) wasn't that startling.

What WAS startling was Charlie standing there panting hard, her eyes wild and manic, a hammer in one hand and some boards clutching in the other. She had nails gripped in her mouth and a tool belt slung around her hips.

"ITS CHRISTMAS!" she screamed with none of the joy and excitement one might have normally expected from her when it came to such a statement. The nails fell from her lips as she screamed that and she quickly bent down to gather them up.

"…and?" I said slowly.

"I'm trying to tell him," Aria said before swallowing nervously. "Uh… you know I love you all but uh… would I be allowed to leave for the Glutton Ring-?"

"They are already closing down all the portals and entryways to the other rings," Charlie said with a rapid shake of her head. "Maybe, if you hurry you can make it…"

Aria looked at me, clearly needing me to give her the command that she could go. I… really didn't like that.

"Go, now," I commanded, hating how my voice took on an echoing tone that spoke of the power behind my words. "You have my blessing to flee… from whatever the fuck this is."

Aria took a step towards the door before violently shaking her head. "No. We are Pack and… despite it being… Christmas… I will NOT abandon you."

I smiled and held out an arm, Aria at once shrinking down to her human form and going in for a hug. She was shaking and trembling and I rubbed her shoulder, trying to give her some comfort. "Thanks," I whispered to her. "Even though I have no idea what is going on."

"This is great!" Charlie said, coming up to us and thrusting the hammer and boards at Aria. She took them only to let out a yelp as she toppled over, having not realized how heavy they were and how her center of gravity would change due to her smaller size. "Great! Its just great! So great!"

"Doesn't… seem great," I said slowly.

"The more people that can help secure things the better!" Charlie said before letting out a fake and pained laugh. "So things are going to be fine! Just fine! Now go board up your windows and then come down stairs! I'll be helping Vaggie with the barbwire!" She raced out of the room, screaming back to us, "Hurry before we seal off the stairwell!"

I frowned as I watched Charlie hurry off. "What the hell is this all about?"

"MMmmph!" Aria cried out, kicking her legs in the air as she tried to get up from under the boards.

"You could just turn into your hellhound form…" I said before sighing and picking up the wood and tossing it aside. "What is-"

"I'll explain later," Aria said, popping up as if she hadn't been pinned at all. "First though we really need to focus on boarding up the room like Charlie said." And with that she grabbed a single board and set about attacking the window, putting it across it like we were in a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

"…okay," I finally said with muted acceptance. "I'm gonna get dressed before figuring out why you all are going insane. That okay?"

"Uh huh!" Aria called out as she continued to board up the windows.

I discovered that all of my normal outfits had been changed to deep blues with white snow flakes on them, continuing the strangeness that was my outfits during the Christmas season. While sometimes they were fine, like my t-rex ugly sweat shirt, other times I ended up with the weirdest thing ever. I returned to find that Aria had left me a note that she was getting dressed, the room secured… or at least as secured as she could get it with the random boards she had nailed up over the windows.

"Jackie?" I muttered and my partner used his magic to lock down the room, making it so only those I allowed to enter would be able to do so. "Not sure what the fuck is going on but- where did you get those antlers?"

My partner just blinked, wiggling his head to make the small bells sewn into the fabric of the fake antlers to jingle and jangle.

"…okay then," I said and moved to head towards the lobby.

~MC~MC~MC~

"Alright, are the traps ready?" Vaggie asked as she looked over the list that she had made. Rather than allow everyone to run around in a panic like Charlie had been willing to let occur Vaggie had taken charge, assigning tasks and making sure everyone got them completed.

"Working on it!" Angel Dust said as he placed a box of cheddar squares in the center of a bear trap. "I have these placed at every entrance. That way, even if that bastard gets in, he will be feeling it!"

Vaggie nodded at that before turning to Husk. "We have everything ready to detect any intrusions?"

"The most high tech cameras I could get all the way down to cans tied to string hanging from the doorways," Husk said… before cracking open a beer and drinking from it. "I hope you know the sacrifice I am making for all of you! I only drink from bottles!"

"We know and its appreciated," Vaggie stated, for once not being sarcastic. "Niffty, how goes the panic room?"

"Stocked with food and books to keep us occupied the entire day," she said with a salute, holding her feather duster like it was a rifle.

"Very good…" Vaggie said, looking over at Charlie who was going back to the wood pile for more boards. Aria had come down to join them, in her human form, moving to destroy whatever she could both for more wood to barricade the windows and to help give the Hotel a more abandoned look. "Now then, how are you and Sir Pentious-"

"What the fuck is going on down here?" Edwin said as he came down the stairs, staring at them all.

"Christmas prep," Vaggie said. She ran a hand down her festive Christmas sweater, which had an image of her brutally killing a llama. "Seems like it always sneaks up on us every year. You are just going along, minding your own business, and suddenly boom! Christmas time."

"Literally sneaks up on you," Edwin said and that made Vaggie frown. "Alright so… why are you guys prepping like its Home Alone instead of prepping like its… well, okay, you could technically prep like its Home Alone only the robbers DON'T attack the house and the family isn't full of assholes. Seriously, what the fuck was up with that uncle? And why does the family allow him to just be like that?" Edwin shook his head. "Why are we putting up traps and boarding up the windows instead of decorating. I mean…"

Cheery music began to play.

"So string up the lights and light up the tree!" Edwin sang. "We're damned for all eternity. But for just one day, all is well, its Christmas time in Hell! Gather close together and make it quick! We gotta make room for Andy Dick! Wake-"

"Nope, sorry Edwin," Charlie said, cutting him off and causing the music to stop playing. "We can't sing. Not today."

"…holy fuck, what is going on?" Edwin asked, now sounding seriously nervous. "I mean… if you don't want to sing, Charlie, that means this is the end of the world. Or Hell. Or… you get what I mean!"

Vaggie frowned only for her eyes to widen. "Oh shit… you don't know, do you?" She had thought he was just being an ass… or that he had been trying to lighten the mood with gallows humor. But… but he didn't know! He had no idea!

"Know what?" Edwin demanded just as Alastor walked in.

"Why so glum, dear chums? I assure you nothing could be so terrible that you can't have a smile-"

"Its Christmas time," Husk said, cutting him off.

Alastor's smile dropped.

He was still smiling but it wasn't NEARLY as bright as it usually was. Not nearly as sharp. And for him that was as good as his frowning.

"Have we begun sealing off the upper levels?" he asked quickly, Charlie bobbing her head up and down. "Good… that's good. I don't have time to sound an alert with my radio station so we'll just have to hope everyone is aware."

"Vox is broadcasting an all points bulletin," Angel Dust stated.

"Good… that's very good."

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!" Edwin roared.

Everyone just stared at him.

"He doesn't know about Christmas," Vaggie said.

"Who… who has to explain it?" Angel Dust quietly asked, clearly nervous.

"I will," Sir Pentious said, slithering forward and sticking out his chest. "It is only right that someone does and I have completed my tasks." He handed Vaggie his clipboard and after a moment she nodded, seeing he had gotten everything she had asked of him settled. "Egg Bois, please assist Alastor and Charlie in finishing with closing up the hotel." The little egg demons nodded and hurried to follow after Charlie, who was pointing out to Alastor where the lumber was (as if it weren't obvious, what with the piles of wood scattered about). "Edwin… allow me to tell you a story. Around 2000 years ago, give or take a decade, there was born in the town of Bethlehem a child."

"Jesus," Edwin said. "Or Brian who was born next door."

Sir Pentious, Vaggie noticed as she walked over to make sure he didn't leave anything out, remained calm in the face of Edwin's jokes. 'He doesn't know,' Vaggie reminded herself. 'Its not his fault… he's so young in terms of Hell.' It was honestly easy for all of them to forget that Edwin could measure his time in hell in weeks and months, not years and decades. He had just slotted in so well with their group and within Hellish Society. It felt like he had always been there. But he hadn't and that meant there were things he simply didn't know about.

"But what we care about is his death. When Jesus died upon the cross he chose not to go to Heaven, as was his right, but to go down into Hell. This is known as the Harrowing."

Edwin's eyes narrowed. "I've heard this. For 3 days he went through Hell saving the souls of the righteous who had been cast down unfairly."

"Yes. Though it was less about saving souls and more about beating up demons. The souls just kind of… followed the path of destruction. Point is that it seems he developed a taste for coming down here and… hmm… how to put it-"

"He liked wrecking shit," Vaggie stated.

"Quite. There were quite a few complaints in Heaven about him constantly coming down here just to attack us. Adam, it is said, wasn't pleased."

Vaggie frowned.

~Several Years Ago~

"Damn it, we'll have to reschedule the Extermination again!" Adam complained as he marched into the conference room, Vaggie flipping through a magazine while Lute played on her phone.

"Wait, again?" Vaggie said, surprised.

"Yes, again!" Adam snarled. "Fucking Jesus decided he wanted to pull a Thanos."

"I… I don't know what that means," Vaggie admitted.

Adam groaned as he flopped down in his chair. "It means that he went to each of the rings, collected one demon from each that he strapped to his back, and made him watch as he beat up half of Hell! Sera is saying that there it isn't fair for us to go down there and wreck shit." He let out a huff, deflating a bit. "And… she's right. No fun if they are all in commas!"

"I…think you mean comas."

"Is that how that word is said?" Adam stated, blinking. "Meh, I let Eve name that one. I wanted to name them Non-Responsible Sleep Fucking Times but was outvoted. Stupid squirrel voting against me…"

~MC~MC~MV~

"So he agreed to only come once a year… his Birthday Present."

Edwin slowly nodded at that. "Right… Exterminator shit."

That caused Sir Pentious to laugh. "Oh, if only it was Exterminator ssssshit. No no… this is far worse. The Exterminators merely kill us. Jesus delights in brutal attacks and beatings. But he is always VERY careful to ensure that we are kept alive. He'll even occasionally drop off his victims at the hospital so they can be healed up." He shook his head. "And then he will go after the doctors."

"It… gets really bad," Vaggie said. "He trains all year just for this day. He comes down and… well, we need to be ready. That's why we spend even Christmas huddled in a panic room, waiting for him to pass."

"This feels more like an Easter thing," Edwin commented. "The Angel of Death going over the houses like during Passover…" He shook his head. "Sorry, sorry… so Jesus shows up and… beats up demons." He frowned. "And we hide during it?"

"Everyone hides," Vaggie stated. "Most times it works."

"MOST times?"

"Don't ask Rosie what happened last year," Vaggie stated, glancing at Alastor to make sure he hadn't heard that. It was still a very sensitive topic for him, what had happened to his friend. "She had set up everything and Jesus still got through it all. Went on a complete tear and… well, we don't talk about the rest. The point is that we do all we can to try and not draw attention to ourselves."

"There is no talking in the panic room," Sir Pentious stated. "We keep utterly silent. All movement is kept at a minimum. We read because it is the safest thing we can do. Though there are plenty of demons who just curl up and go to sleep. That's another safe option."

"Jesus," Edwin said only to blink. "Uh, that is a curse, not referencing the Son of God who is coming to beat us all up." He paused, frowning. "Wait, does that mean we can send Aria to another Ring to hide out? Charlie said that they are locking things up but I control the ports so I can open one up, right?"

"no," Sir Pentious said. "While Jesus usually sticks to the Pride Ring some years he goes to the other ones. One year he went into the Wrath Ring and found an imp, beating them up and them wrapping them around his fist to use as a boxing glove, and then beat up a second imp. Once that one was barely twitching he swapped it out for the one he was wearing. And he just keep doing that."

"Jesus spends 364 days out of the year training for Christmas," Vaggie informed me. "Preparing his body to take down as many demons as he can. There is no bargaining. There is no pleading. There is nothing. All of Heaven gets out of his way, out of fear he will use them as sparring dummies." She suddenly made a face, mouth twisted and eyes wide.

~Several Years Ago~

"I mean… I'm a full on lesbian," Vaggie said as she watched Jesus do some squats. "But even I think that's fucking hot."

"Same," Lute admitted.

"He could crush a diamond with those cheeks," Adam whispered.

~MC~MC~MC~

"Uh… so I've heard."

"Right…" Edwin said slowly, wondering what that was about. He looked around and frowned. "So you make things look abandoned, set up traps… why are there cheese crackers on that beartrap?"

"Cheez-Its," Angel Dust called out. "Perfect bait."

"…why?"

"Say Cheez-Its real fast."

Edwin muttered to himself before letting out a groan. "You have got to be fucking kidding me."

"Guys, I think its time," Charlie called out, looking over the elevator that she had just finished boarding up. Alastor was using his shadow to block off as much of the stairway as possible while Aria was taking a hammer to the light bulbs. "Jesus usually arrives early so we need to get into the panic room now."

"We'd done all we can to make the hotel look abandoned, boss!" an Egg Boi told Sir Pentious. "We turned off the sign outside and made sure to put grime on the windows before Miss Charlie boarded them up."

"Well done, my loyal companions!" Sir Pentious said while Husk worked with Angel and Aria to move his bar, revealing a trap door. Suddenly Aria taking out the lightbulbs made sense, as anything that made Hazbin look like a place where no one could be found would only help everyone.

"Remember," Vaggie said softly to all all, "the moment we get down there we have to be silent til Christmas is done. Not a word!"

Another of the Egg Bois said, "You know, this reminds me of when I was in Korea during the war! I was on a bus and we had to keep quiet but there was this one woman with a baby that wouldn't stay quiet. So I strangled the baby but… but… it was a chicken!" he began to sob, his companions rubbing his back.

"Quiet, please!" Charlie whispered urgently as everyone took turns going down the ladder that led to the panic room. "We can discuss it all tomorrow but for now we have to be quiet."

"Indeed," Alastor said, making it clear he would scramble them if them didn't shut their traps.

Alastor was the last down the hatch, using his shadow to carefully move a rug to cover up the hatch before slamming the metal door shut and sealing it once his shadow was back with him. He climbed down to the others and, with the use of hand signals, Charlie led them through a small passage to a thick metal door. Despite its size when Charlie used her key to open it the thing quietly swung open, not even making a squeak.

The group, however, did more than squeak when they saw a bearded man in white robes sitting there with a smile on his lips.

"Hello, my children. I hope that you did not get worried waiting for the birthday boy."

Everyone gaped at the sight of the figure.

"OH FUCK, ITS JESUS!" Angel Dust screamed before turning and trying to run away.

Trying was the key word because suddenly Jesus had disappeared from where he had been sitting and instead appearing in front of Angel, causing the porn star to topple backwards as he tried to avoid running into Jesus. He began to scramble back on his hands and knees only for Christ to reach down and lift him up so he could stare at him without having to crane his neck down.

"Well… Angel Dust, is it? That was very rude of you to attempt to run away. Very rude. I think its time I turned the other check."

"You… uh, w-what now?" Angel said only for Jesus to rotate him around so he was facing the others. He clearly saw their startled face and then Vaggie watched as Jesus ran his free hand along Angel's butt. "Oh… I see what you are doing! Kinky little Savior, aren't you!" Jesus gave his rump a few testing pats. "Heheh, think I'm scared of a little spanking?" Angel was growing more brash but Vaggie wasn't feeling any bravado or the like flowing through her veins. "Sweetie, I've been spanked by some of the mightiest Sinners in Hell. I've had a team of Hellhounds play the bongos on my ass. You think that this is going to do anything to me? I'm not afraid of some Cloud Cuddler-"

Jesus raised his hand and brought it down.

It was like a cannon going off.

It was only because of Jesus holding onto Angel that he didn't go flying. And as it was his pants still exploded off of his body from the raw force of his strike.

Angel didn't even scream. He wasn't able to. He just hung from Jesus' hand, jaw dropped and eyes wide, as still as a statue. Jesus released him and Angel just fell to the ground, flat on his face, his ass that was so red it had shifted to black sticking straight up in the air.

"You didn't believe me," he said gently. And that was the worst thing: how kind and soft his voice was. "Thought I was a liar. But do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me."

And then he was moving again, getting right in front of Alastor.

"Say what now?" he managed to say just before Jesus punched him so hard in the stomach that Vaggie could see his fist raising up the flesh of his back. He let out a weak gasp and then Jesus yanked his hand back, grabbed onto his head, and slammed his knee right into Alastor's face, knocking out half his teeth. The Overlord when down like a tree and Jesus smiled softly as he looked down upon him… and then snapped out his hand, grabbing Alastor's shadow which had been moving towards him, holding it in place for a moment before he cracked his skull into the shadow's forehead, causing it to sway before it too was tossed to the ground.

"Blessed be those that know their limits," Jesus said, "and blessed even more be those that can teach others about them." And with that he turned and focused on the group once more.

'He's trying to figure out which of us to go after next,' Vaggie realized as she slowly shifted to try and keep herself between Jesus and Charlie. 'We're all going to get hit but the ones that are last… Jesus might be so worn out that he- oh, who am I kidding? He's going to have us all in the hospital for a month.'

Jesus slowly turned his gaze towards Edwin, who had put his bulk between Aria and the Wrecker of Demon Ass (quite literally in Angel's case).

"You… are new. Who are you, my child?"

"Edwin Cerberus," he said.

"Hmmm… or Edwin Chaos?" Jesus leaned forward, rubbing his chin. "You… do not belong here."

That made Edwin blink. "W-what?"

"You do not belong here. Your soul was destined for Heaven. Someone FORCED you to come here." He stroked his beard as he considered Edwin carefully. "How…curious."

"Uh… Jesus? Mr. Jesus." Charlie said nervously, raising her hand. "You mean that Edwin isn't supposed to in Hell at all? I just… want to make sure…"

"Of course, dear Niece," Jesus said with a smile.

"Oh! I… I guess I would be your niece. Uh. So… Uncle Jesus-"

"Mister Uncle Jesus."

"EEP!" Charlie went ramrod still. "Sorry. Mister Uncle Jesus… does that mean you can help Edwin get to Heaven? Because that's what I am doing with my hotel-"

"I know," he said politely. "It is why I have decided not to destroy it. Though you certainly did all you could to do that." He glanced at Edwin. "No… I can not take you with me. I am not for sure what force has locked you in place, unable to leave Hell, but you are trapped here. Even my power can not save you."

"Fuck," Edwin muttered with a shake of his head. "Yeah… useless to dream, I suppose."

"I can still reward you though," Jesus stated, coming over and patting him on the shoulder. "But first I need you to change into something." With that he reached into his robes and pulled out a blue and red bundle.

Vaggie frowned, tilting her head in confusion.

"Is…" Edwin stammered, "is this a Superman costume?" His voice got a squeaky tone for some reason.

Jesus nodded. "Yes… I want you to watch."

~MC~MC~MC~

"I still say we should have gone deep into the building," Valentino said nervously, glancing at the shuttered windows of their penthouse. Vox had set up a small portable grill and was attempting to make s'mores while Velvette kept looking in-between her phone and her computer.

"We're fine!" Vox said with a laugh, though it wasn't as forceful as it normally would be. "Its not like Jesus can fly! And we have every floor set up with traps. He tries to get up here and we'll know, giving us plenty of time to get in the helicopter and fly someplace else. You did remember to bring in a few Sinners to serve as distractions."

"Of course I did," Valentino scoffed, offended that Vox would think he hadn't. It had taken a lot of work to find three demons he could dress up as the Vees, with Vox being both the easiest and hardest (easiest as the head could just be an old tv, hard because finding someone so thin they would fit in one of Vox's old suits). But he had done it and they were currently drugged and waiting a few floors down.

"Wonderful," Vox said, rubbing his hands together. "Jesus shows up and they distract him. He leaves us be and we can have a fun little orgy. Now, would you prefer to fuck yourself or fuck Fake Velvette? I'm going fuck Fake Me."

"Fucking hell, Vox, don't talk about either of ya fuckin' me!" Velvette complained.

"Awe, I only say it because I care," Vox said, reaching over and pinching her cheek before returning to his s'mores.

"Still… I don't like it if he can get up here its only that steel blocking his path."

Vox waved him off. "Its fine! We've been through this how many years?"

"Many. And how many times has Jesus beaten us up?" Vox winced at that… they weren't exactly batting 1000. "You really want to watch Jesus play Big Ben with Velvette again?"

"We do NOT talk about that!" Velvette exclaimed.

"Sorry, sorry, you're right." Valentino knew that he had to act mature, to give Velvette the hope they'd get through Christmas unscathed. "So, what is Sinnergram saying?"

"Nothing," Velvette said. "Course no one is stupid enough to be out on Christmas so its just a bunch of Sinners and Hellborn cowering in their homes, jumping at every sound and shadow. I swear, more people are going to get hurt firing on their fuckin' grannies who are puttering towards the bathroom ta take a shite than they will to Jesus."

"You know that isn't true," Valentino scolded, still glancing at the windows.

"I fuckin' know that!" Velvette snarled before curling in on herself a bit, glancing at her computer and refreshing it. "But… no news is good news, right?" She grabbed a blanket and wrapped herself up in it, hiding her face.

"Of course it is sweetie," Vox said, moving to sit down next to her and rubbing her back. He held out a s'more and, after a moment, Velvette's hand shot out and snagged it before the treat disappeared back into the blanket. "No one has spotted him, which means we can just sit here and eat some snacks and mock the poor people that he beats up. You'll like that!"

And that's when the roof caved in and Jesus landed in the middle of their penthouse, holding Edwin Cerberus bridal style, the jeweler wearing a… Blue Beetle Costume? Valentino didn't know superheroes.

"There is your chair," Jesus said, pointing to a seat in the corner. "Sit in it and watch."

"…okay," Edwin said slowly, scurrying over to the chair.

Valentino's eyes went wide at the sight of Jesus being there with his most hated Nemesis but then at once he drew his guns. If he was going to go down, at least-

Jesus rushed him, breaking his hands and causing the guns to fall to the ground. Valentino screamed in pain only for Jesus to force him to stand back up, smirking as he stared at him for a moment before he pried Valentino's mouth open and forced his fingers down his throat. Valentino began to gag and cough and when Jesus pulled his fingers out he belched up some of his love potion smoke, which Jesus sucked into his own lungs before blasting it back at the moth demon, causing him to hack before his mind was overwhelmed by his very own drug.

"Go stick your dick in a blender," Jesus told him.

"…okay," Valentino said, slowly walking towards the kitchen in a trance.

"Holy… holy fuck!" Vox exclaimed.

"That's Mister Holy Fuck," Jesus said before he punched Vox right in the face, shattering his screen and causing sparks to fly. The TV Demon screamed and then was reduced to sparks and sputters as he fell to the ground, twitching only to writhe when Jesus stomped down on his crotch.

"Wait… wait!" Velvette cried out, scurrying away. "Edwin! I'm datin' Edwin!"

Jesus slowly turned to stare at Edwin.

"…we are going on a date so technically we aren't dating yet…" He grimaced. "Uh… I plan to take her to dinner and be respectful soooooo…"

"Very well," Jesus said and Velvette let out a sigh of relief… only for Jesus to turn and stare her down, causing her to gulp. "Did you know Edwin was born on my birthday? That makes him someone I care for now. And since I can't take him with me back to Heaven I will give him what he deserves."

Velvette just blinked… and Jesus pulled out a razor and some shaving cream.

"Shave. Everything. Every hair."

"…wot?"

"Every. Hair."

Velvette squirmed but slowly began to apply the shaving cream to her head.

The blender fired up.

"AAAAAAAAAAA!"

~MC~MC~MC~

"This is Katie Killjoy, reporting live from the basement of 666 News. Tom, why did I let Jesus know where we are?"

"I am assuming fear!" Tom replied.

"I plan to blame you all the same!" Katie smiled at the camera that was set up next to the folding table that was currently serving as their desk. "What do we know so far about this year's Christmas rampage?"

"Well, according to limited reports Jesus was seen leaving Charlie Morningstar's hotel."

"He attacked that shit hole first? Wow, and here I thought he had class!" Katie smiled at that, tilting her head. "Any other sightings?"

"Well, he was spotted entering Vox Entertainment's Main Tower earlier with what appeared to be a Captain America cosplayer. Not sure what he has planned there."

"Then what good are you, you sniveling little bitch?" Katie asked, smacking Tom so hard he fell to the ground. "Now then, for everyone watching, we at 666 News would like to remind you that if you encounter Jesus that's your own fucking fault for not hiding better! Tom, how are the roads?"

"Empty," Tom said as he crawled back up to the table. "Because everyone is hiding. Now then it looks like we have an interview!"

"We do?" Katie said, surprised.

"Yes. Seeing as someone is standing in the corner watching us." He pointed to Katie's left. "Oh, its Jesus and… Spawn?"

"Superman you-"

"Edwin, please go in that closet and watch," Jesus commanded and Edwin quickly did as commanded. "Always come to a man with open hands."

"…well, I guess-" Tom began only for Jesus to reach into his chest and rip out two ribs.

As he fell to the ground screaming Katie couldn't help but snark, "Well, I'd say you could suck your own dick but we all know its too small for even you to find it, Tom." Her smile though fell when Jesus turned his gaze on her. "Oh… oh I've chosen poorly."

"You have done well to care for yourself. Your skin is as tight and taunt as a drum."

"Thank you?" Katie said just before Jesus leapt at her, smashing Tom's one rib against her temple, causing her to fall onto the table. Jesus loomed over her, twirling the ribs. "Wait… wait…" she slurred.

"Come, they told me-" Jesus sang before smashing the ribs against her face. "A newborn king to see-" He pounded on her head some more, Katie coughing up blood. "Our finest gifts to bring-"

~MC~MC~MC~

"Get behind me, Octavia my dear," Stolas said, forcing his daughter to move so that he could shield her.

"Dad…" the young Ars Goetia whispered in fear. They could hear the booming coming outside of their manor home, as well as the screams of pain from the guards that Stolas had hired to protect them. It had cost him quite a pretty penny and they would earn a MASSIVE bonus if they were able to drive Jesus back.

He wouldn't have the pay that bonus out.

"Just… stay behind me, my dear," Stolas whispered, swallowing hard. "And… the first chance you get… run."

"I can't leave you!" she exclaimed, grabbing onto his arm tightly. "I can't!"

"You must."

"There is no where to run!" she told him. "This is the pantry!"

"…oh," Stolas swallowed. "I… heheh… I've never actually been in here before." He glanced about. "Its nice-"

"DA!"

"Right! Uh… right. I… perhaps I can- the magic of the Grimoire perhaps can-"

The door was ripped off before Stolas could even think about going for his book and he let out a shriek as Jesus grabbed him and hurled him out of the room. Octavia let out a scream at that, trying to reach for him, but then she was blocked by the form of Jesus Fucking Christ.

All the stories. The terrible, terrible tales that her mother had told her. Of how if she wasn't good Jesus would come for her. It had given her such night terrors… when her father had finally learned what her mother had told her… well, it was the first real fight Octavia could remember them having. And even though Stolas had done all he could to protect her it hadn't stopped the terror dreams.

And now… Jesus was here.

"Octavia," Jesus said and even though she was shaking hard she was struck by how soft and gentle his voice was. So caring. It… it was horribly wrong, coming from the Harrowing Bringer. He reached out and she shut her eyes…

…and Jesus gently patted her on the head.

"You… have been a very good girl."

"I… what?" she said, cracking her eyes open to see Jesus smiling at her.

"You have shown that even those born in Hell can live good lives. If I thought that you would desire it, and if I were allowed to do so, I would bring you to Heaven once this was done. Still, I will entrust you to Edwin Cerberus. He will make sure you are protected… so long as you continue to be good."

And with that he moved out of the doorway and Octavia looked out to see Edwin holding Stolas. Edwin was also dressed as Captain Britian for some reason…

"Don't you DARE get any ideas in your head," Edwin said sternly.

"O-of course not," Stolas stammered… only to run a finger along Edwin's shoulder. "You are a bit too… muscular… for me. Heheheh."

Jesus walked up and nodded to Edwin, who set Octavia's father down. "Come… we have more demons to punch." He raised his fist and Stolas whimpered, shielding himself. "Two for flinching." He gave Stolas two firm strikes that caused his bones to crack… but then moved on.

"What… what was that all about?" Octavia asked.

"I have no idea," Stolas admitted… just before there was a CRASH and Octavia screamed as her mother and her Uncle Andrealphus came through the skylight, bruised and cut and bloodied, both twitching in pain.

Octavia screamed again.

"Sorry!" Edwin called out. "Well, not really! They are the woooooorrrsssseeee!"

"He's not wrong," Stolas said even as Octavia continued to scream.

~MC~MC~MC~

"Sir, I really don't think that this is a good idea," Moxie said. They were standing on the roof of the building that housed I.M.P., looking out over the Sinner Ring as Jesus slowly began to sow damage across the city.

"Of course it isn't," Blitzo said with a scoff. "Its not even a great idea! You know what kind of idea it is?"

"Fuckin' stupid?" Loona said, buffing her nails.

"A bit short-sighted?" Millie asked, having decided to try and give Blitzo the benefit of the doubt.

"I'm not even sure why I'm here!" a small imp named Tully said, looking about.

"It's the most amazingest plan in the history of plans!" Blitzo declared. "See, Jesus wants demons to beat up! The more demon-y the better! So I found this guy and discovered all his dirty, evil, kinky little secrets! They are all right here on this sheet!" He took a sheet and grabbed some tape, carefully sticking the list to the Imp's chest before Blitzo handcuffed him to a pipe that was randomly sticking out of the roof (literally, it was there randomly; the builder of the building was odd like that).

"Uh… now this isn't sounding so great," Tully said.

"Blitzo!" Millie said with an exasperated sigh. "Ya just can't use random innocent demons as bait!"

"I know, but Moxie doesn't have enough red in his ledger, even with all the shit he's pulled." Moxie glowered at him. "Besides, haven't you been paying attention to a word I said, Mills? This guy ain't innocent at all!"

"Oh, what could he have done?" Millie said.

"He only reviews fanfics to say "I can't read this anymore"." Blitzo slowly turned to stare off into what could be called the 4th wall… if the roof had walls. Millie, Loona, and Moxie all joined him, glowering. "Which is the most evil thing of all."

"Yes, I agree," Jesus said, moving to stand next to Blitzo.

"Yeah, that's what I- HOLY SHIT!" He leapt back, eyes wide as he stared at Jesus… who had some bitch dressed as Green Lantern next to him. "Okay… okay… let's just scatter now and-"

Jesus thrust out his hand, the shockwave that ripped through the air from the thrust causing Tully's skin to be ripped from his body, leaving only a skeleton and some organs that stood there for a moment before he collapsed.

"Uh… I thought you didn't kill demons!" the Green Lantern said in horror.

"He'll live. I will him to live."

"That seems worse!"

Jesus shrugged before focusing on Blitzo. "Now then… to deal with you little imp."

"Hey! Hey!" Blitzo declared. "Remember… let he without sin cast the first stone!"

Moxie stared at his boss before screaming, "SIR! ITS JESUS!"

"…huh," Blitzo said just before Jesus hurled a stone right into his throat, causing him to hack and gag as he went down.

"Uh…" Loona said before grabbing a beer bottle and throwing it to the ground. "SCATTER!"

Jesus smiled. "Oh good… a nice gentle jog for me…"

~MC~MC~MC~

"Well… it looks like my time is nearly up," Jesus said with a soft smile as he stood on the roof of Hazbin Hotel.

I, meanwhile, was keeping FAR away from the edge. Still afraid of heights, even in Hell. Not that I needed to be near the edge… I could see the destruction that Jesus had caused from where I was standing. Smoke, fires, destroyed buildings, the wails and groans of pain… granted, all of that was usually in Hell but now it was worse.

"This has been… a fun birthday. Thank you for sharing it with me Edwin. I look forward to our party next year. I'll bring an ice cream cake."

"I'll, uh, get non-alcoholic punch."

"Delightful," Jesus said. "Well… you must get back to your tournament."

"…are YOU meta aware?!" I cried out.

"Well… I am Jesus." He tapped his shoulder. "One to beam up, Peter."

And then I heard the sound of the teleporter from Star Trek play and Jesus disappeared in a swirl of light.

"…what the fuck?!" I screamed as the Star Trek theme began to play.

Oh Fuck Its Jesus!

Written By Gene Roddenberry

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