Chapter 101: Hard Times
'I thought good guys get to be happy. I'm not happy. I'm poison in the water and unhappy, little girl who's needs her daddy real bad.'
-Ethel Cain
Author Notes: I'm back. Did ya miss me?
The morning after was peaceful as Becca arose for the day. She stretched her taunt muscles out, feeling sore and overused from the night before. She smiled to herself. There was a certain beauty in the freedom to love how you want to. She's never known what it's like to have freedom. Even before the outbreak. Until now that is.
Unsurprisingly, Joel was awake before her. The sun had just risen. The birds were chirping loudly, singing their praises for a beautiful day. She could hear the sounds of the farm coming alive. The animals hooves stomping on the ground, the sounds of heavy machinery and voices of the ranchers headed onto the farm.
She stood up from the bed and pulled on a robe as she walked over to the window. She smiled softly as she saw Joel on Chaos, wrangling and cutting through the cows. He's become rather efficient on a horse. He would make her daddy proud.
Daddy, she mused to herself.
She would be lying if she said she didn't think about him sometimes. Even after everything, she still loved and missed him. It was a sick perversion. Her therapist said it was normal to have these feelings, but she'll always have difficulty reconciling her past. Even before the Outbreak. She was slowly beginning to open up to her husband about the things that's happened to her during the outbreak. It will take some time for her to let him know about her life before the outbreak. The family secrets she discovered. She was left with the skeletons of her family's past. They're dead and gone while she suffers the fallout. That's always been her daddy though.
He always did love the last word.
She sighed and shook her head. She wouldn't let her intrusive thoughts get the better of her. Not today. Not anymore. She had so much good to be grateful for. For the first time in her life, she has a real family. One that she knows will never lie or abuse her. She was safe here. The cycle of abuse and inter generational trauma has to stop somewhere.
She turned away from the window and went to get dressed. She refused to wallow in her misery. There was a farm to run and a life to live. She wanted to live everyday to the fullest, knowing she may not get another one.
She walked into Matty's nursery, smiling brightly when she saw him standing up in his crib, giving her a toothy grin. He was starting to get a few teeth in. He was growing like a weed. He'll be a grown man before she knows it. She didn't like to think about that. He was only two years old. He had plenty of time to enjoy being a kid. At least she hoped so anyway.
Becca scooped Matty up out of his crib and kissed all over his face,'I see ya slept in today.' She walked out of the nursery with him as she bounced him in her arms,'Let's go and see what your daddy's up to, huh? I'm sure he's gonna need our help.'
She made a quick breakfast and fed Matty. She walked out of the house with him in her arms, smiling when she saw Joel tending to the sheep. There was still a chill in the air during the mornings, but the afternoons were warmer. Summer would be here before they knew it. She couldn't wait. It was always her favorite time of year. Especially for her garden.
She didn't announce her presence to him right away. She liked to watch him sometimes. He seemed happy this morning. He was whistling and singing something to himself as he fed the sheep. There was a spring in his step. He seemed more at ease and relaxed today. She wondered if it was because of the sex they had the night before, but she knew him better than that. Her man was happy.
His cowboy hat was pulled low over his head, the bandana tied tight around his neck. The sleeves of his flannel were rolled up his arms. Her eyes were drawn to the strength of his legs in his jeans. The sinewy movements of his arms as he pulled the gate shut.
Her skin flushed as she thought about the night before. He didn't hold back when she asked him for more. He wasn't afraid to lose control anymore. It's all she wanted. His complete and implicit trust in them. There wasn't anything they couldn't do together.
Matty babbling away blew their cover. He looked up from the brim of his hat and smirked,'How long you two been creeping over there?'
She returned his smirk and walked over to him,'Not very long. Just long enough to watch you finally wrangle those sheep.'
He snorted and took his working gloves off,'Bout damned time right?'
'You don't always get it right away, Joel.' She sighed and shook her head,'My daddy wasn't ever good at it. That's why he paid people. You put in the work to get better.' She met his gaze directly,'I admire that.'
He smiled to himself at her words. He wasn't used to people saying pretty things to him. They didn't think a man like him wanted or needed them. They didn't see he was human too. Becca and Ellie are the only people who ever did.
He took Matty from her hands and leaned over to give her a quick kiss. He wanted to give her a proper good morning kiss, but with the ranch hands lurking around. He had a reputation to maintain.
He couldn't help but stroke the side of her hair though. His eyes looked over her bare face, her long hair tucked into a cowboy hat. She was dressed in jeans, flannel and boots. She was ready to work. He loved that about her. She didn't want to just sit around, drink sweet tea all day with her head up her ass. She was ready and willing to work. She could wrangle and cut through the cattle just as good as any man. She taught him a thing or two.
Joel woke up this morning a contented man. It wasn't just because of the sex. He was happy to have her back. Not just in his bed, but in his life. He didn't want her as a friend. He had plenty of friends. He wanted a life partner. She's proven to be his equal. In every sense of the word. He wasn't going to fuck up this second chance. She seemed determined to make it work as well.
She looked around the farm and placed her hands on her hips,'What else still needs to get done?'
His eyes widened and he shook his head confusingly,'I thought you would relax with your garden.' He shrugged,'You're only here for the weekend.'
She wasn't offended by his words. He was letting her know she was here because he wanted her to be. He didn't see the forest for the trees sometimes. He always expects the rug to be pulled out from underneath him. She doesn't want him to be afraid of loving her anymore.
There was a sly smile on her face as she pulled her work gloves out from the back pocket of her jeans,'This is mine just as much as it's yours, Joel. I've missed working on the farm. I love spending time with Betsy, but it's gets…'
'Boring?' He laughed and nodded,'I know ya, darlin. You need a little action sometimes.'
She squinted her eyes and smirked, whispering,'I've been getting that a lot lately.'
He cackled as he patted Matty on the back,'I missed your smart ass mouth around here too. I haven't fed the pens yet. There's a couple fences I have to mend. Sheep keep trying to make a break for it.'
'I'll get to them.' She nodded and laughed,'Sheep always used to escape from my farm growing up. It's the prey instinct in them. They have a strong instinct to flee.'
Her words resonated through him. It was open to interpretation. Before Jackson, he probably could relate to prey instinct. He still sensed the danger, but he didn't have the urge to flee anymore. Not when he had everything he wanted right here.
'We seem to have that in common.' She whispered admittedly, sending chills throughout his body. How could she seem to always read his mind?
'I ain't running anymore, Bec.' He met her gaze directly, wanting her to know he was serious,'I don't think you are either.'
She shook her head as she realized the implication behind his words. They weren't just talking about sheep anymore.
She leaned up and cupped his bearded cheek,'I'm staying put right here. I'm not going anywhere else. There's nowhere else I wanna be.'
His heart almost stopped in his chest. It's all he wanted to hear from her. He wanted to be enough for her to want to stay. He wanted to ask her to come back home for good, but it wasn't his choice to make. It had to be her decision.
He knew this wasn't a conversation they should be having right now. It was only five thirty in the morning. There was still a lot of work on the farm to be done. Hopefully, tomorrow would come and she'll never leave.
Joel looked over her face and smiled softly,'Thanks for the help. I appreciate it. It…hasn't been the same without you here.'
Tears filled her eyes at his words. He was being so forthcoming about his feelings. He wasn't going to hide his thoughts and feelings from her. Not anymore. It's how they almost lost each other in the first place. They always had a difficulty of being honest with each other; always afraid of the fallout. They wouldn't allow their fears to get in the way anymore.
The only thing missing is Ellie, but he knew she would come around eventually. She was just being a spoiled brat for now. Once their daughter was back home he could finally be settled.
Becca took Matty out of his arms so he could get back to his chores. She could handle Matty while feeding the animals. They promised to convene back for lunch though.
They wanted to spend as much time with each other as they could. They wanted to make up for lost time. They've spent so long being angry at each other. They've fought each other and their demons.
After the civil war, they promised things would be different. They were stronger together. They had to be honest with each other or they were never going to survive this. They couldn't waste anymore time fighting each other while the enemy was still out there.
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After helping out on the farm, Becca went to her therapist appointment and then to work at Betsy's shop. She was thankful she was able to bring Matty. Betsy loved having him around. She said he made it lively. He was getting into his terrible twos and was becoming a handful. He was already stumbling around and getting into things. Joel had to baby proof their entire house. He wanted to grab everything at this stage.
Betsy saw the exasperated look on Becca's face when she walked into the shop. Her cheeks and eyes were red as if she's been crying. The shop's been super busy with Annette's upcoming wedding. A lot of people wanted formal clothes for the event. She had her work cut out for her, but she loved staying busy.
She walked over to Becca, taking the child out of her hands. She looked over her face and frowned,'Is everything okay?'
'Yeah.' She nodded and dropped Matty's diaper bag onto the counter,'Therapy was just…intense today.'
Betsy sighed as she placed a hand on her arm,'Wanna talk about it?'
Becca was thankful for Betsy. She was like a mother to her. The mother she's always wanted, but never had for herself. Her family was never affectionate. She could count how many times on one hand her parents showed her love and affection. They thought just by keeping her fed and clothed they were the parents of the year.
Fuck them.
She leaned back against the counter and crossed her arms over her chest,'I'm gonna have to tell him about my life before all this. I'm gonna have to tell him everything.'
'You know it won't change how he feels about you.' She shook her head,'If he loves you, he'll understand.'
Becca was forthcoming with Betsy about her life before the outbreak. While she told Joel the main truths. There's some things she left out. Mainly due to shame and just wanting to pretend like it never happened. Through therapy, she's learning to deal with the traumas of her past. She was thankful the woman didn't judge her. She was a young girl forced into horrible circumstances.
'I know he loves me, Betsy.' She frowned,'He just has this perception of who I used to be before all…this. He thinks I was some church going rich girl.' She clenched her eyes tightly, the memories of her past playing through her mind,'He's gonna think I lied to him and I…didn't. It wasn't like that. I…suppressed it for so long. I didn't even remember a lot of what happened, Betsy. I was so out of it half the time. Peter helped me with hypnosis and there was so much shit I…kept suppressed and tried to forget about. I'm so afraid he's gonna leave me. He's gonna think I lied to him. That I'm dirty-'
Betsy placed her hand over her mouth and softly glared at her,'He's gonna understand. Do you want me to be there when you tell him?'
Becca thought about it for a moment and shook her head,'That's really nice of you to ask, but I think it's something I have to do on my own. We have a dinner date tonight. I was planning on telling him then. I'm gonna show him all the…photos. Tell him everything. I just hope I don't lose him. After everything.'
Betsy rubbed her back soothingly. She didn't have any words of comfort for her. The only thing she could do was be there for her. She wouldn't lie to her. Joel was a tough nut to crack, but she knew he loved Becca with all his heart. He could be irrational sometimes. They've come a long way though. She had faith it would work out.
The doorbell chimed as someone walked through the door. Becca quickly stood up straight to compose herself. She smoothed her hands down her rumpled clothes and wiped her face. She was at work and needed to be professional.
She turned around and saw Annette and her best friend and maid of honor, Amelia. She was grateful Annette still invited her to the wedding. Betsy even made her a dress for the special occasion. She was even making Joel a suit. She couldn't wait to attend the wedding with him. After everything they've been through, she just wanted to have some fun for once. She wanted to dance with him again. She couldn't remember the last time they've done that.
Betsy and Annette hugged and kissed each other,'It's good to see you. Your dress is finished for your last fitting. Yours too Mel.'
'Thank you so much, Betsy. I really appreciate everything you've done for us.'
Betsy turned to Becca, giving her a small smile,'You wanna grab their dresses for me in the back?'
Becca nodded and smiled,'Of course.'
She went in the back to grab the two garment bags. She heard her name being mentioned and stood behind the curtain, her interest piqued.
Annette frowned as she peered over Amelia's shoulder to make sure she wasn't in earshot, but she could hear everything.
'It's a really nice thing you're doing for her, Betsy, but it could be dangerous for her to work with you.'
She heard Betsy sigh slightly, but she knew she would have to tread lightly. These were her clients. She couldn't lose them. They were also close friends of hers. Betsy's lived and worked in this town for almost twenty years. She refused to get in the middle of everything she built here.
'I understand the dangers and I appreciate your concerns, but I have everything covered. I can take care of myself. I have people watching over me. I hope this doesn't complicate things for the wedding. She's excited to come.'
Becca peeked her head out of the curtain slightly, seeing Annette and Amelia exchange a look between them.
Annette sighed and shook her head,'About that. Me and Will were talking last night and we don't think it's a good idea if Becca comes.'
Betsy's eyes widened and she could see the pensive look on her face as she bit her tongue,'What about Joel and Ellie? Are you rescinding their invitations too?'
Annette had a blank look on her face as she shook her head confusingly,'Why would we do that? It was her grandfather who brought the virus on the world. He killed our children. Our families. Everything was fine here until she showed up.'
Becca's eyes widened at their words, but she wasn't surprised. These were the kind of women who smile in your face and then stab you in the back. She had been so excited to go to the wedding, but she refused to let them see her disappointment. She wouldn't let others affect her life anymore. She had her family. She didn't need anyone to else. She just hoped Joel wouldn't fly off the rails.
Betsy wanted to say so much, but she knew Becca wouldn't allow it. She refused to let people fight her battles, but what they were doing to her is wrong. They were ostracizing her for something she had nothing to do with. She shouldn't be punished.
Lord knows how Joel was going to react to this. He didn't take too kindly to anyone messing with her. He was very protective over her. As he should be.
She couldn't stay back here forever. She quickly wiped her eyes and took a few deep breaths to calm her nerves. She was angry. She wanted to punch the living daylights out of these women.
Becca decided to put Betsy out of her misery and walked back out front with the garment bags. She made sure to have a bright smile on her face too. She wasn't going to let these cunts get the best of her.
She handed Annette and Amelia their garment bags and took Matty from Betsy,'I'm gonna finish some alterations in the back.'
'Rebecca.' Annette stopped her in her tracks,'I wanted to talk to you for a minute.'
Becca's back was facing her as she took a deep breath, knowing this was it.
She steeled her features and turned around, a wide smile plastered on her face,'Do you need something?'
'Not exactly.' Annette sighed and shook her head,'I hate to do this so last minute but me and Will were going over the seating chart last night and we invited too many people. I figured since there's a lot of things going on you could sit this one out?'
Becca looked over at Amelia who was pretending to look at clothes on the rack. Betsy was standing off to the side, looking as if she was going to blow a gasket at any minute.
Becca took a moment to gather her thoughts. There were a multitude of things she wanted to say to her in this moment, but she didn't want to bring anymore trouble to herself in this town. They've finally accepted Joel and Ellie as one of their own. She didn't want them to give up everything they've built here.
She feigned a smile and nodded,'Of course. That would be fine. I've been pretty busy at the farm anyway. It'll give me a chance to catch up on some stuff while everyone's gone.
There. She did it. She could play the nice game when she wanted to. She could see the relief on Annette's face. She got out of this one unscathed.
Matty started to fuss and she gently bounced him,'I hope Joel and Ellie will still be able to attend.'
Annette's eyes widened and she nodded,'Yeah…sure. If you're okay with it. I just thought with everything that happened with your grandfather and all. It'll be really…distracting if you're there.'
Betsy narrowed her eyes and was about to say something when Becca kept the bright smile on her face,'I understand. It's your wedding. I wouldn't want to ruin your special day.'
Becca thought back to her own wedding in Jackson. They got married in their barn hidden away from the rest of the town. It seemed everyone was invited to Annette's wedding but herself.
Annette gave her a thoughtful smile and patted her arm,'Thank you so much, Rebecca. And I'm sorry. We'll get together for lunch sometime.'
Becca pleaded silently with Betsy to get her out of this situation. This is the last place she wanted to be right now. She just wanted to be left alone. She wanted to work and live a normal life. She didn't want to be reminded of her family tree every goddamned day.
Annette lifted up her finger,'One more thing. Could we keep this between us? We all know how your…husband can get.'
Betsy snorted and shook her head,'He's her husband. Of course he would be angry. Think about how Will would react in a situation like this.'
Betsy couldn't help herself. Becca was like a daughter to her. She refused to sit back and let anyone do this to her.
Becca narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips,'It's okay, Betsy. I understand where she's coming from. You remember me and Joel's wedding.'
Annette's eyes widened,'You guys had an actual real wedding?'
Becca's heart sank to her stomach. She needed to get out of here. She had a bad day with her therapist. The shop was beginning to feel hot, like the walls were closing in on her. Matty was fussing and Annette was still talking, but she really wasn't listening.
Betsy could read her very well. She walked over to Becca and placed her hands on her shoulders,'I almost forgot, I need you to go pick me up some more fabric from Shelly. Her husband just came back from his travels. Take your break too and come back in an hour.
Becca nodded and sighed in relief, grateful for the escape,'Sure thing.'
'Before I forget.' Annette chimed in,'Would you still be able to provide me the flowers you promised? As much as I love Doris. She's rather limited in her choices.'
Betsy snorted at the audacity of this bitch. Becca just wanted to punch the living daylights out of her, but it would only get her sent back to jail.
'Sure.' She forced a smile and curtly nodded,'I'll pick the prettiest ones just for you.'
Annette clapped her hands excitedly,'Thank you so much. You're so sweet.'
Becca exchanged a look with Betsy. Yeah, real sweet alright. If she only knew the murderous thoughts that were running through her mind.
She placed Matty in his stroller and grabbed his diaper bag, hoisting it over her shoulder. She needed to get out of this shop. She felt embarrassed. She didn't know how she was going to explain this to Joel. She hated lying to him. Even though it seemed as if it's all she did.
She walked out of Betsy's shop and took in a breath of fresh air. She almost had a panic attack. It felt like everyone's eyes were on her, but she knew it was just in her head. She felt like everyone knew and judged her for every sin she committed. As if they haven't committed their own sins.
She held her head up high though. She still had a few close friends. She had Betsy, Maria, Joel, Ellie and Matty. It's all she wanted and needed.
She couldn't help the tears that formed in her eyes though. It had been a particularly brutal day. All she wanted to do was see Joel. She wanted him to hold her. She needed to talk to him now more than ever, but he was working with a few guys on a roof. It was one of his last jobs before he retired.
She decided to take a little walk to clear her head before going to Shelley's. She didn't want to be around people right now.
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The sun was just beginning to set when Joel walked into the house. He smiled to himself when he heard her talking to Matty in the kitchen. He could smell something delicious cooking. He felt that ache in his chest again and rubbed it soothingly. It was a good kind of ache. The kind of warmth that unfurled in your chest and everything in your body felt alive, as if your nerves were buzzing. He only ever associated that feeling with her. She was the only one who ever gave him hope. It took him this late in his life to find true love. Better late than never he supposed.
He shucked his boots off onto the floor and divested himself of his gear,'I'm home!'
'In here!' She shouted from the kitchen.
He took off his cowboy hat and hung it on the rack along with his coat. He was anxious to see his wife. It's been a long and tiring day. He just wanted to shower, eat and have his beautiful wife wrapped around him.
His breath left his body when he saw her standing by the stove. She was wearing a loose grey t shirt and a pair of shorts. She had a dish towel draped over her shoulder. Her hair was in a messy bun. This is when he loved her the most of all. Stripped down bare. He loved she trusted him enough to let her guard down.
'Hey, stranger.' She looked at him over her shoulder and gave him a soft smile,'Dinner should be ready soon.'
He looked over at the table set. His heart dropped when he saw only two table settings. Ellie still wasn't home. He knew she would come around, but he respected the fact she needed some time. She would eventually come around. She was stubborn like him.
He walked over to Matty who was in his high chair and picked him up. He kissed all over his face, making him laugh. He rubbed his back and kissed his forehead,'You being good for mama?'
'Always.' She laughed as she watched him out Matty back in his high chair and walked over to her.
He stood behind her and placed his hands on her hips. He nuzzled into her neck as he pressed kisses along the length of it, whispering,'You're a sight for sore eyes, darlin. It's been a long fuckin day. All I wanted is to come home to ya.'
She continued stirring the sauce as she leaned back into him. She turned her head and leaned up to press a kiss to his lips. He cupped her jaw as he flicked his tongue against her lips. It was a quick swipe of his tongue, but it sent a jolt throughout his body. He couldn't help himself. He's been craving her taste all day.
She smiled against his lips, whispering,'You're almost retired. You'll be home all the time.'
He hoped she would be home with him, but he didn't want to ask her. It had to be her decision. She didn't seem like she was going anywhere though.
He hummed softly as he pressed the entire length of his body against her, rubbing her arms,'Do I have time for a shower?'
She nodded and smiled softly,'You do. It'll be ready in a half hour.'
He kissed the back of her head as he stepped back from her. He unbuttoned his flannel and tore it off and pulled his shirt over his head. He was eager to get out of his dirty and sweaty work clothes.
He got a shower and changed into a pair of jogging pants and a t shirt. It was started to get warm. They both ended up sleeping together naked anyway. Even if they didn't have sex. They loved being skin to skin with each other.
He walked back into the kitchen and dinner was already on the table. He couldn't remember how many times he sat at this table eating dinner alone. He didn't want to live like that anymore.
She was placing a bowl of food in front of Matty. They were slowly introducing him to more foods. Thankfully, he wasn't a picky eater. It's not as if they had an abundance of baby food on hand.
He sat down at the table and picked up Matty's spoon,'I'll feed him. You cooked.'
'You worked twelve hours hard labor today.' She shook her head,'No one's keeping score, baby.'
The endearment slipped out of her mouth. She rarely called him pet names. It wasn't her style, but they came out every now and again. Especially when she was comfortable and relaxed. He loved that she could be like that around him.
He spoon fed Matty some food and looked up at her,'Thank you for dinner. It looks delicious.'
She gave him a small smile and nodded,'You're welcome. How was your day?'
He took a bite of his food and shrugged,'Half of these guys want so much work done and don't wanna lift a finger.' He leaned over and rubbed her knee,'How was yours?'
She took a deep breath. That was a loaded question. Her day wasn't stressful, but it wasn't enjoyable either. Sitting here with him and Matty has been the best part of her day.
'It was…a day.' She sighed and shook her head,'I had a really intense therapy session today. We did some hypnosis and regression therapy.'
She took a bite of her food, thinking about the best way to broach the topic with him. She was afraid he would look at her differently. He always had this perfect fantasy of her in his head. He thought she was some southern debutante living the country club life, but it was the farthest from the truth.
He nodded as he stared at her intently, knowing this was a sensitive subject for her,'Do you wanna talk about it some?'
'Yeah, but after dinner.' She gave him a small smile,'I just want to have a nice relaxing dinner and not think about anything else for right now.'
He nodded silently, knowing when to leave her be. He was thankful she was opening up to him though. She didn't want to lose him.
They had a nice quiet dinner. He told her about the projects he's almost finished in town before he retired. He asked her about the shop. She was vague on the details. She didn't want to lay everything out on him tonight.
When she told him the truth, she didn't think it would matter if she was invited to a stupid wedding or not.
Joel did the dishes while she took a quick shower. They both put Matty down to bed. They liked kissing him goodnight. Every time they walked past Ellie's door they felt a pang in their hearts. They wanted her home. Their family wasn't complete without her.
Joel was sitting on the couch in the living room when Becca walked in and sat next to him. She placed a black shoe box on his lap. He stared down at it curiously, wondering what in the hell it could be.
He looked up at her questioningly and she took a deep breath of trepidation, staring down at the box pensively,'I wanna come home, Joel. I don't want to stay with Maria anymore. I wanna move back home…permanently. I wanna be with you every night. Just you. No one else.'
She said the last part with so much conviction. It made his heart ache. He placed his hand on her lower back and leaned over to kiss the back of her neck,'I want ya home too. It's time, Bec. No more playing games anymore. This time it's for keeps. We'll go to therapy forever if we have to. I ain't losing ya again and I'll be damned if I go to bed alone.'
Tears filled her eyes as she smiled sadly,'I want you to take a look at what's inside that box before you say anything else.'
He frowned as he tapped the box,'Unless ya really were a Firefly than nothing in this box is gonna change how I feel about ya.'
She sighed as she lifted the lid of the box opened, revealing stacks of photos. They were mostly Polaroids. He picked up the stacks of photos and he stared at them confusingly.
'It's my life before…the outbreak. My whole entire life is in there. The important parts anyway. When the outbreak happened, all I wanted was my photos. So I can remember. I realized I'll never forget. It'll always be in my memory, but I shouldn't let it control me.'
He began going through the photos. He saw some of her in high school going back as far as nineteen ninety eight and ninety nine. He snorted. She was a fucking senior in nineteen ninety nine. She really was old enough to be his daughter, but she wasn't. He stopped himself from feeling guilty about it. She was a grown woman who made her own decisions.
She still looked the same as she did when she was younger. She just grew into herself. She had photos of herself hanging out with a couple friends. There were photos of her in a cheerleading uniform. She seemed to be an all American teenager. Much like Sarah had been.
He got through her high school photos and found some of her family. There were older photos of what he assumed to be the matriarch when she was younger all the way up to her old age.
There were photos of her mother and father at their wedding. Her father seemed like a mean son of a bitch. He had a stern look on his face as he stood in the middle of Becca and her mother. He had his arms wrapped around them like they were his property. Maybe in a way they were. He saw photos of her sitting on the ground with two guys he assumed were her brothers. They all had their mother's red hair.
She looked happy. Normal. Content.
He picked up another stack of photos. His eyes widened. They seemed to be of a different nature. She looked different too. She wore heavy makeup, she was dressed in pinup clothing that looked like something out of the fifties.
There were several provocative photos of her. Some were of her lying on a bed in corsets and stilettos. Some were of her on all fours bent over. In some photos she was dressed matronly, as if they wanted to achieve a certain look.
There was another photo of her sitting on a motel bed with some guy. He had a mullet and tattoos. He was a rough looking type. She was wearing thigh high stockings and black lace bra. Nothing else.
She looked down at the photo he was staring at,'That's Ben.'
His eyes widened at the first words she's spoken to him since opening the box. He waited with bated breath, hoping she would continue. He was surprised. He always assumed Ben to look differently. He expected some pretty boy preppy type. This dude looked rougher than him.
There were photos of her hanging out with rough looking street types, smoking cigarettes. She even had platinum blonde hair in some of them. She wore heavy eyeliner. Her eyes devoid of emotion. She looked like he did when he was on drugs.
She was dressed in tank tops, denim cut offs and cowboy boots in a lot of the photos. She looked…completely different than what he envisioned.
She was hanging out in seedy motel parking lots, trailer parks. It was completely different from the life he always envisioned she had. He always pictured her happily married on a farm.
'I ran away from home when I graduated high school at seventeen .'She twiddled her fingers nervously in her lap,'My father was a rancher, but he was also the town's preacher. Everyone in town was enamored with him. They revered him. Much like his daddy and his daddy before him. Round and round it goes.'
She sighed shakily as she reached into the box and slid out a piece of paper, holding it up in front of him. His eyes widened in shock. It was a missing poster. The last place she was seen was Lexington, Kentucky. She was seen getting into a man's Chevy in the parking lot of a reststop. She was noted to possibly be heading to California. There were two photos of her. One of what she would look like with her natural red hair and dyed blonde.She wasn't fucking kidding.
'I met Ben in Arlington. I took a bus all the way there and met him at a rest stop.' She snorted and shook her head,'We ended up talking in a diner. He wasn't that much older than me. He said he was traveling to California from Alabama. He said he's always dreamt of seeing the West. He asked me to come along. His truck was better than walking.'She shrugged,'Like a stupid kid I did cause it was better than living with my father. I was…seven the first time he came into my room. It happened night after night. For the next ten years of my life I don't think I got any sleep. It was every night. I just wanted to sleep.' She sighed,'So one day I couldn't take it anymore. I ran out of the house and never looked back.'
He stared down at the missing poster and averted his eyes to the Polaroid of her in the bed with him,'You married this guy?'
She nodded and frowned,'I really didn't have a choice in the matter, but he was good to me for a bit. For the first time in my life I thought I met a man that didn't want to hurt me. I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong, Joel. When we got to California, he ended up drugging and pimping me out. I would strip, give him my money and then go make more money for him in the back. I…didn't remember most of those nights. He had me so fucked up all the time. We were wanted in two different states for armed robbery when the outbreak happened.
'He trafficked you, Becca.' He took a deep breath to calm his nerves,'How come ya never reached out to your mama?'
'I was too ashamed. Ben told me everyone back home knew what I was doing. A reporter ran an article about it. I called my mama and asked her once if I could come back home. I…got beat up and I was so sick and tired of the running all the time. Ben had us all over the fucking west coast, robbing ATMs and liquor stores. I begged and pleaded for her to let me come home. Even after what my daddy did, I still wanted to come home. I was only nineteen. I wanted my mama. She told me she didn't have a daughter and hung up the phone. I begged for a bus ticket back home.' She quickly wiped the tears from her eyes,'When the outbreak happened, we decided to head back to Kentucky. By the time we got there, everyone was dead or halfway there. We took my daddy's car and drove it as far as we could until it ran out of gas. We started walking after that, looting and taking whatever we could. We did whatever we had to survive. Rob, steak and kill. You name it. When he found David's cult, our goal was just to infiltrate it and steal all their supplies, but Ben. He started believing in the cause. He wanted to turn his life around and follow Jesus. At least that's what he liked to tell people anyway.'
'What about your nursing?' He frowned,'You were good at it.'
'One of David's disciples used to be a nurse and taught me everything she knew. You learn pretty quick on the job.' She tightly closed her eyes, whispering,'I was ashamed. I didn't want ya to feel the way my mama did. You had this image of me in your head and I didn't want to ruin that. I thought it could be a chance for me to have a clean slate. I could start over. I haven't done any drugs since the outbreak happened and I don't plan to. I ran away cause I didn't wanna follow in my father's footsteps and become a preacher. I hated that man for what he did to me. I realized early on that love isn't always good.'
He was silent and it could mean one of two things. She stopped trying to figure out what was going on in his head.
She nervously tucked her hair behind her ear,'It's why I wanted to tell you before I moved back in. I wanted you to make up your knowing the whole entire truth.'
'Why didn't ya tell me?'
She was grateful he didn't sound angry. Just a little hurt and maybe confused.
'A lot of it I didn't remember.' She shook her head,'Ben had me drugged up all the time. I didn't remember a lot and a lot of it I tried to suppress. I shoved it so far down I actually believed it didn't happen. I don't know why I ran away with Ben. He was dangerous reckless and crazy. I couldn't count how many times we got into shootouts with the cops. He got shot once and I had to stitch him up myself cause we couldn't go to the hospital.I think I married him as a fuck you to my daddy. He raised me and my brothers to be righteous and God loving while coming into my room every night. My mama was so afraid of my daddy. She let him run around and do whatever he wanted.'
He surprised her by placing his hand on her bare knee,'It's why you despise religion.'
'I don't despise it. I guess I had it shoved down my throat for so long. I thought it was normal for fathers to do that. He told me it's what God wanted, that I was his special chosen one.'
'Jesus Christ.' He muttered to himself,'Ya shoulda killed him when ya had the chance.'
She continued to nervously wring her hands in her lap, whispering,'I was too young to realize that some love could be bad.'
Joel sat there for a moment, letting everything she said soak in. He stared down at the photos of her past splayed out before him. In some she looked like just your average teenager living in the south, but he could see the decline. She got skinnier, started wearing makeup and dying her hair. She rebelled against her Southern Baptist upbringing. He wanted to raise the dead of every man who's ever hurt her. It seemed like every man she had in her life did her harm. The women weren't better off either.
His silence scared her. She could see him staring down at the photos of her past. She didn't know what was running through his mind. He probably thought she was a liar and he wanted nothing to do with her.
She shook her head and sighed shakily,'I didn't tell you because a lot of it I didn't wanna remember. Peter said I suppressed most of it.' She clenched her eyes tightly as tears filled them,'In a way, I was relieved the outbreak happened. I didn't have to worry about the cops or working in the strip clubs anymore. I could start with a clean slate. I could be someone else.' She looked up at him and frowned,'Do ya wanna divorce me now? Cause I lied.'
His eyes widened and he gently scooped her up onto his lap, letting the box of photos fall to the ground,'That was years ago, Becca. Ya know about all the crazy shit I did before and after all this. I ain't got no room to judge. What happened to ya ain't your fault. People took advantage of ya.'
She sighed contentedly as he wrapped his strong arms around her,'You're the first man I've ever met in my life I wasn't afraid of. I've never been afraid to tell you how I feel or if I hurt you. Since we met, I feel this is what real love feels like. And I was so afraid of it and I didn't understand it, but I do now. I realized our love is good. You won't hurt me.'
He rested his chin on the top of her head and pulled her closer to him,'Not if I can help it.' He stared down at her, seeing the uneasy look on her face,'Why were ya afraid of telling me?'
'I don't know.' She sighed, resting her head against his chest,'I guess I didn't want to ruin the image you had of me before the outbreak. My life went to shit way before that and I had no one else to blame but myself. I fucked up a lot as a teenager. I grew up in such a small town. I was bored and restless. The only exciting thing to happen in our town was a funeral. It was…easy to live with David. It was like living with my father. It was easy to placate him as long as I did what he wanted.'
What he wanted. He thought bitterly to himself.
It seemed like men were too concerned about their own needs and didn't worry about her own. He cursed himself for every wrong thing he's ever done to her. She deserved better than the treatment she's had her entire life.
He leaned back against the couch, bringing her with him,'Ya were kinda a badass, huh? Robbing banks and liquor stores and shit. I might've seen you on the news if you were wanted in Arlington. Way more of a badass than me. I think I woulda been afraid of you.'
She laughed slightly, appreciating what he was doing. Betsy had been right. He loved her and wouldn't judge her for the past. She didn't know why she worried in the first place.
'You probably woulda been.' She snorted,'I was afraid of myself for a long time.' She looked up at him, whispering,'You don't look at me differently?'
He frowned as he cupped her cheek, slowly turning her face to look at him,'Why would I? Ya know all I did. Shit, I've done worse than you during this. I don't have room to judge anyone. What those fuckers did, Ben, David and your father. They're all pieces of shit who deserved everything they had coming to them. You have nothing to be sorry for. I respect the hell out of ya, Bec. I ain't ever wanted some weak woman that I had to carry everywhere. That wouldn't work for a man like me and you know it.' He slid his hand off her cheek and trailed it down to her neck, placing his hand over her heart,'I know all I need to. What ya told me don't make no difference. You're still everything good to me. You're still the most precious thing to me, my wife. Do you understand that? Ain't nothings gonna change that.'
She finally let herself break down in tears. All of the emotions she kept bottled up inside. The fears of losing him and her family for her sins. It kept her up at night. She never stopped to think he loved her enough not to care.
She covered her face with her hands as she sobbed into them,'For so long I felt like there was something wrong with me, like I wasn't good enough. I thought God was punishing me and I deserved it.'
Tears filled his eyes as he gritted his teeth,'That's bullshit. Fuckin bullshit and ya know it.'
He couldn't help but be angry on her behalf. He loved this woman with his heart and soul. Other than his children, he didn't think he could love someone this much or be loved in return. He knew she loved him. He refused to doubt it any longer. By telling him her past, she showed him that she trusted and loved him. It's all he could ask for.
'I try to be good everyday.' She stared up at him desperately,'I did everything that was asked of me. I did everything they wanted and it was never enough.'
He sighed as he held her face in his hands. Her face was red and wet with tears. He swallowed the lump in his throat as he wiped the tears from her eyes. She struggled with this for so long. The nightmares and the panic attacks. He understood her religious trauma ran deep. Much deeper than he understood. It didn't start with David. He just continued the cycle of abuse.
He leaned his head in and kissed all over her face as he stroked her cheek's comfortingly and lovingly. If she told him this when they first met he would've shot her dead. He would've left her to rot back in Silver Lake. He would've considered her to be too dangerous. Maybe it's why he fell so deep in love with her. They were both fighters and survivors, just in different ways.
He kept his eyes directly on hers, never wavering his gaze. She needed to see how much he loved her,'There ain't nothing ya could do or say that can make me stop loving ya. Not a damned thing. I don't give a fuck if you were a devil worshipper. We ain't Saints. What Ben and your daddy didn't wasn't your fault. David had what came to him. We all did what we needed to survive.' He ran his hand through her hair, nuzzling his nose against hers,'Ain't no more pulling guns out on nobody. I meant it when I said I'm all in forever.' He rested his forehead against hers, his voice low and soothing,'All that matters is who we are now. To each other. You're still my woman. You always be. I'm always gonna want ya and want this. I'm in love with ya. I don't say those words unless I mean them. I ain't ever said them to anyone else in a long time. I ain't ever gonna regret it. You're everything to me. And you are good. You're the best I've ever fuckin known and no one can see that it's on them. They're dead and gone just as they belong.'
She sobbed harder at his words, feeling the relief wash over her. She's always been afraid to let him know about her life before all this started. She shared glimpse and pieces. Too afraid to show the bigger picture. She should've known she didn't have anything to worry about with Joel. By being honest with him, it felt a burden was lifted off her chest. She felt absolved of her sins.
She sat up in his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck tightly. He cupped the back of head and tangled his hand in her hair, kissing her temple. She kissed along his bearded jaw, whispering,'I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It took a long time for me to…process it all myself. I'm not that person anymore.'
'Ya don't gotta explain yourself to me.' He nodded,'I know it. I know exactly who you are. Who I fell in love with.'
She let out a choked sob at his words and grasped at his face. She kissed him hungrily and deeply, putting all the love she felt for him in the kiss. He moaned into her mouth and pulled her closer against him. They sucked and pulled at each other's lips, theirs tongues tangling together in a flurry of emotions. They could taste the saltiness of their tears as she wrapped her legs around his waist.
He cupped her face as he sucked her tongue into his mouth greedily. He couldn't help himself. Her taste always drove him crazy. They pulled apart slightly to catch their breaths only to dive back in again. This wasn't overtly sexual. It was showing their love for each other. Everything was laid out on the line. They knew everything to know about each other and they still stayed and loved each other.
He pulled away first as he stroked her cheeks,'You're the most beautiful woman in the world to me. Inside and out. I've loved ya for a long time, baby. I plan to love ya for hell of a lot more.' He picked up her left hand that was wearing his ring,'This means something. I don't mean our rings. The vows we said to each other. I meant every damned word. I still do.'
'I do too, Joel.' She shook her head,'Of course I do. I wanted to tell ya all this before you said it was okay to come home.'
'Okay?' He was almost offended by her words,'Baby, come home. Please come home and never leave. I hated ya leaving every night. I don't ever want ya leaving again.'
She smiled tearfully at his words and ran her hands through his hair,'I love you so much. I wanna come home too.'
He felt an immense sense of relief down to his bones. It made him sick when she would leave and go back to Maria's. He was sick of going to bed and waking up alone. He wanted the liveliness of the kids being back home. He missed the chaos in the mornings and the pitter pattering of feet up and down the halls. Him finding her hair in the shower and teasing her about it. He used to crave solitude, but all it did now was make him miserable. It reminded him of all the things he was without. He would be damned if he let that happen again.
He smirked as he picked up her missing photo,'Wanted by the law, huh?' He couldn't help but tease her about it,'Getting into shootouts and shit.' He wiped the tears off her cheeks with the back of his hand,'I find that…kinda hot actually. And here I thought ya were some good little two shoes. Ya been holding out on me.'
She smiled despite her mood. She was thankful he was trying to make light out of situation. There wasn't anything she could do about her past. She refused to be ashamed about it any longer.
'I wasn't that much of a badass.' She chuckled,'Ben didn't give me much choice in a matter. One day he asked me to drive him to the bank to deposit his work check. Five minutes later sirens are blaring and he's running out with a ski mask on and a bag of fuckin money. He told me to drive as fast as I could. I heard the cops not that far behind. I was so scared. I've never been that afraid in my life. He made me use my car. They had my license plates. There was nothing I could do after that. We just kept running. We would get enough money for hotel rooms and drugs. He would get me high and sell me off and the next day onto the next town. I thought it's what I deserved for running away from home. My life and legacy. I realized it was all bullshit anyway. I chose the wrong people to love, Joel.'
She leaned down and reached into the shoebox. She took out a silver chain with a small silver cross on it. She dangled it in front of her face,'This was mine. My mama gave it to me on my communion. Even when I ran away I kept it. I never wore it, but I still kept it. Even after all these years.'
He toyed with the cross on the chain,'What do ya wanna do with it?'
She stared at it for a moment and nodded,'I want you to put it on me.'
His eyes widened in surprise as he looked over her face,'Ya sure that's what ya want, darlin?'
'Yeah.' She nodded and smiled softly,'I…struggled with the meaning of God for a very long time. I didn't know if I believed he existed. My daddy was a disciple of Christ. He delivered his sermons on the pulpit every Sunday. Drunk off his fuckin ass. I didn't understand how any God could let that happen. I've come to realize it's not God I resent. I resented the image of him my daddy portrayed in my mind. I resented the image of God my daddy showed me. I want Matty to have faith. Especially in a world like this. I realized that religion and God will always be apart of my life. It's something ingrained in me. I'll never be able to get away from it.' She lifted her hair up and gave him a small smile,'Can you please put it on me?'
He nodded silently, not wanting to refuse her of anything. He carefully hooked the necklace around her neck. She felt the cool metal of the cross against her skin. She toyed with the cross around her neck. It didn't feel weird or foreign like it should. It felt right.
Joel traced the length of the necklace around her neck and sighed,'How does it feel?'
'Okay.' She shrugged,'I don't feel any different. I don't plan on going to church or anything anytime soon, but I've found myself praying again. It gives me peace.'
'I have faith.' He whispered admittedly,'The night ya were shot and I thought I was gonna lose ya.' He shuddered at the thought,'It was the scariest night of my life. I prayed to God that night. I prayed for him to take me. Cause I couldn't imagine a world without ya in it. Even if I was dead and gone.' He swallowed harshly as tears filled his eyes,'When ya survived, I…thanked him. I kept on thanking him ever since. I…don't wanna take my chances.'
She laughed at that and bent down to pick up the box of photos. She picked them all up and threw them back in the box,'Let's go.'
She hopped off his lap and he stared up at her curiously,'Where ya going in just pajamas?'
She looked back at him over her shoulder and gave him a small smile,'I'm not going far. Will you come with me?'
He didn't need to be asked twice. He would follow her anywhere she asked. He was off the couch and following her outside. She picked up the lighter from the table as he followed her outside to the back of the house. As soon as they began walking he knew where they were going.
His eyes widened as she dumped the Polaroids and posters in the fire pit. The same place where she dumped all of Francis's research. That seemed like such a long time ago. So much has happened since then.
'Ya sure ya wanna do this?' He frowned,'Ya never be able to get them back.'
She nodded as she threw some sticks and branches into the fire pit,'That's the point. I don't need these photos to remind me.' She tapped the side of her head,'I'll always have them here. What do I need these for? This was my old life. A life I never wanted in the first place. The memories we're making now worth more to me. I don't need photographs of our life together. We make memories everyday. Ellie's drawings and paintings are all I'll ever need to remind me.'
He nodded silently as he watched her bend down and light the bundle on fire. He understood the significance of this and why she had to do it. He's never admired her more than in this moment. He's never loved her more either.
She crouched down as she watched the fire pit ignite. The flames flickered against her face as she watched the Polaroids melt and disintegrate into ash. The old photos of her ancestors, tangible memories of the past. The past could hurt her no longer.
He crouched down behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders, squeezing them comfortingly,'You feel any better?'
'Yeah.' She nodded,'I do actually.'
He sat with her until the fire burned itself out. All that was left of the photos were ash. She felt cleansed. She didn't have to hold onto those memories. They couldn't hurt her anymore.
He rubbed her shoulders and kissed the back of her head,'Let's go to bed, sweetheart. I wanna hold ya.'
She nodded and smiled softly,'I want that too.'
He wrapped an arm around her shoulders as they walked back into the house. She laughed softly when he picked her up and carried her upstairs. He walked them to their bedroom and carefully set her down on the bed. She hurriedly got under the covers and he quickly joined her. He wasted no time in wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close to him. Her body was practically lying on top of him, their bare legs tangled together.
He stroked her hair as he kissed the top of her head, whispering,'I wanna make ya happy.'
She nuzzled into his bare chest and kissed his skin,'You do make me happy.'
'All the time.' His words were muffled by her hair,'I know it's gonna be hard sometimes, but I want ya to always feel safe. Happy.'
She smiled softly as she traced circles on his chest,'This makes me happy. You let me be myself.'
'It's all I ever want.' He kissed the top of her head and closed his eyes, stroking her back,'Can't wait to dance with ya at the wedding this weekend. I missed that.'
Her heart broke at his admission. She had completely forgotten about that. She was so caught up in her own shit. She completely forgot about Annette rescinding her wedding invitation. It would be an issue for another day. Morning would come before they knew it. There was a lot of work to be done.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
It was the early morning. Joel and Becca were already out on the farm, starting the first tasks for the day. Matty was sitting on the grass, watching his mama as she fed the goats. She heard the galloping of a horse coming up their trail. The sun was just beginning to rise. It would be too early for visitors.
Becca placed Matty under a tree and she grabbed her rifle, cocking it quickly. She saw Joel walking up to her doing the same. They always swore to protect each other. No matter what. They would fiercely defend what's theirs. They wanted to preserve this happiness they fought so hard for.
Whomever was on the horse was wearing a raincoat with the hood up. There was a mist in the air, but she didn't think there would be rain today.
Joel stood beside her as she leveled the rifle in front of her face. He looked up at her and smiled. His woman could be so gentle yet so fierce and deadly. They underestimated her. She once told him she liked it that way. It gave her the element of surprise. She was braver than him in a lot of ways. He would be the first to admit that.
He focused his rifle on the horse, closing his one eye,'Who ya think it is?'
'I don't know.' She shook her head and sighed,'Should I shoot?'
A small smile formed on his face. She was ready and willing to defend their home. She was a quick trigger and a hell of a shot. She would go off target practicing alone. He never asked to tag along. He understood it was her time to be alone. He never questioned when she went off on Luna. He needed his space sometimes too.
'Not yet.' He smirked as he glanced over at her,'God forbid it's someone we know.'
She snorted and rolled her eyes,'Like that would make a difference.'
He laughed at that, but his face became serious as the horse abruptly stopped at the trail. The person atop of the horse pulled their head down. Their eyes widened and thwy both sighed in relief when they saw it was Ellie. They wondered if she was in trouble. She hasn't come around to the farm in weeks.
Ellie dismounted her horse and tied her up. She grinned as she held her hands up, watching as they lowered their rifles,'Relax, I come in peace.'
Joel snorted as he put the safety back on his rifle and lowered it down, watching as she walked towards them,'What is she doing up this early?'
Becca laid her rifle against the fence and sighed,'I don't know. She never got up this early for school. Ya think something's wrong?'
Becca and Joel both exchanged a look, knowing it could mean anything. Ellie was a tough one to figure out sometimes. She kept her feelings close to the vest.
Ellie laughed as she averted her eyes between the two,'You really were both ready to shoot. Always so trigger happy.'
Joel pursed his lips and crossed his arms over his chest. As happy as he was to see her. It was too early for a ball breaking and he had shit to do.
Becca sighed and shook her head,'Forgive us, but I remember having to drag ya outta bed this early for school. What are ya doing up so early?'
Ellie frowned and crossed her arms over her chest,'Am told me what happened at Betsy's shop. Why are you letting those cunts do that? You live here too.'
Becca's eyes widened in surprise. Honestly, she hasn't given all that much thought about Annette. It didn't bother her as much as it should. Sure, she was disappointed she wouldn't be able to dance with Joel at the reception, but they could dance anytime they wanted to.
It warmed her heart that Ellie cared. Hope unfurled in her chest. Maybe she was finally ready to come back home. It hasn't been the same here without her.
Joel turned to Becca and narrowed his eyes,'What's she talking about?'
'It's nothing.' Becca glared at Ellie,'You don't talk to us for weeks. And this is the issue you decide to open up with?'
Ellie smirked at the humor in her voice. She didn't seem angry. Just surprised and confused about the situation.
Ellie turned to Joel and sighed,'Annette came to Betsy's shop yesterday and told Becca she was uninvited to her wedding. She gave some bullshit excuse about there being too many people, but me and you are still invited.' She grinned at his eyes widened in surprise, 'I know. I was just as shocked as you we made the cut.'
Becca crossed her arms over her chest. It looked as if Annette was giving anyone the real reason why wasn't invited any longer.
Becca could see the wheels turning in Joel's head. His jaw was locked and he was gritting his teeth. His hands were balled into tight fists at his aides. She refused to let him be angry about this. She was so tired of fighting.
Becca gently grasped one of his fists, whispering,'It's okay, Joel. I'm not mad about it. She thought it would be a distraction. Considering everything Francis did. I completely understand. They're getting married in the church. They don't want someone like me there.'
He could feel her fingers rubbing his wedding band on his finger, but it did nothing to suppress his anger. How dare they do this to her.
'What's that mean?' He spat out,'Someone like you?'
'You know what I mean.' She sighed and averted her eyes between them,'You two should go. No reason why you shouldn't. We need to save face.'
'Fuck that.' Ellie seethed,'I'm just to blame for all this too. I'm not going if you're not invited.'
Joel swallowed harshly as he slowly unclenched his fist in her hands,'You're my wife. I'll be damned if I go without you. I'm gonna give them a piece of my mind too.'
Becca lifted her hand up and shook her head,'Don't, just leave it be. I'm tired of fighting. I couldn't care less what they think about me. I have all the people I need in my life.' She gave Ellie a small smile,'You got up this early just to come here and say that?'
Ellie shrugged sheepishly as she dug her sneakers into the dirt,'I didn't really sleep much. I was too…mad.'
Becca and Joel exchanged a look between them. Maybe not all is lost. They knew she would come back eventually.
Becca was the one who took a step to her first,'I take it this means you're speaking to us again?'
'I'm sorry.' Ellie blurted out,'I was being an asshole. I know you were just trying to protect me. I appreciate what you guys were trying to do for me.'
'We were outta line too.' Becca nodded,'We should've respected your boundaries as an adult and trusted you could make good decisions on your own.' She frowned,'You just can't keep running off without a plan. It's gonna get ya killed.'
Joel walked over to Matty and picked him up, perching him on his hip, 'If ya ever wanna explore something. Just ask us. If we can't take ya we'll do whatever we can to find out about your parents. We wanna help. Ya just gotta stop running and taking that damned boy with ya. He ain't built for the wild.'
Ellie took a deep breath to calm her nerves,'I'm really sorry for scaring ya guys like that. Abby told me to say sorry. She could see how much it was bothering me not to talk to ya guys.'
Becca and Joel exchanged a knowing look. They didn't trust Abby, but they knew how much Ellie liked her. They knew Ellie could take care of herself. They would keep a close eye on her though.
Becca wrapped her arms around Ellie tightly, holding her close,'You scared the shit outta me. I missed you so much.'
Ellie held onto Becca close as tears filled her eyes. She didn't show her emotions often, but she couldn't help it. She hurt the most important people in the world to her. She understood they were just looking out for her. She was too defensive sometimes.
'I missed ya too. I'm sorry.' She looked over at Joel,'I'm sorry.'
Joel frowned as he walked over to them. He wrapped his arm around them both, keeping Matty close to his side. They all held tightly onto one another. They were a family again. This time they were impenetrable.
Becca's eyes narrowed as she saw the sleeve of Ellie's raincoat inch up, revealing a large tattoo on her arm. She gently grasped her arm and slid her sleeve further up. Her eyes widened when she saw a large black and white tattoo on the front of her arm. It was of a moth with a trail of plants all up her arm. It was intricate and beautiful. She knew it was one of her own drawings. She was such a great artist. She had Ellie's drawings and paintings all over the house.
'You like it?' Ellie grinned,'It's supposed to symbolize light coming out from the darkness.' She cleared her throat,'Lizzie loved moths. She helped me design it before she…I wanted something to remind me of her.'
Joel bit back tears as he gently caressed the tattoo. It was beautiful. Gorgeous even. They couldn't be mad at her. She was nineteen years old and could do what she wanted.
'I think it looks great, kid.' He bent down and kissed the top of her head,'This means you're coming home? Or you just come to say sorry and that's it?'
Ellie could hear the hopeful tone in his voice. She nodded as she averted her eyes between Becca and Joel. Her parents,'Yeah, I'm coming home. That's if I'm allowed.' She rolled her eyes,'Abby's friend snores and I miss your cooking. I also miss my bed.' She laughed at the hurt expressions on their faces,'I also missed you guys. Abby gets annoyed when I practice guitar.' She ruffled Matty's hair,'I miss hanging out with him all the time.'
Becca smirked as she handed Matty to Ellie,'That's great cause I have to wrangle the cattle anyway. You can watch him for a few hours, yeah?'
Ellie bit back a smart ass remark. She just came back. She would keep her attitude to herself for now,'No problem.'
She figured they would break her balls about something.
Becca hugged Ellie and gave her a kiss on the cheek,'I'm happy you're home. I'm gonna make a nice big dinner to celebrate too.' She leaned up and kissed Joel,'I'll see ya at lunch, stud.'
He grinned as he looked over her face,'You need help cutting out there?'
'Nah.' She grinned,'You'll just be in my way.'
He snorted as she kissed Matty and jogged to the barn giddily. He firmly believed that too. She seemed happier. Maybe because the weight of the world wasn't on her shoulders anymore.
There weren't anymore secrets between them. They finally had their daughter speaking to them and back home. Dare they say everything was calm and good. For now at least.
Now that they were alone, Joel turned to Ellie and placed his hand on her back,'It really is good to have ya home, kid. I missed ya.' He lifted up her tattooed arm and looked over the design,'Who did this? Were they safe?'
'Totally.' Ellie rolled her eyes. He was being an overprotective father, but God if she didn't miss it,'I had it done with a hanger and a lighter.' She laughed as his eyes widened in horror, 'I'm fuckin with ya. Brooke did it.'
He nodded and sighed in relief. He trusted Brooke. She did some of Maria and Becca's tattoos. He never really liked tattooed women, but he loved Becca's. She didn't have many, but she said every one was significant to her. He loved tracing the lengths of them with his tongue.
Ellie watched as Becca cut through the cattle on her horse effortlessly,'Ya know we're totally not going to that wedding right?'
'Yup.' He nodded,'Don't tell mama until-'
'The day of.' Ellie finished for him and nodded,'This way we won't have to hear her mouth for that long.'
Matty started babbling and Ellie laughed,'See, even he knows.'
He laughed and playfully shooed her away,
'Go and milk the cows before ya get me in trouble your first day back.'
'Yeah yeah yeah.' She began walking with Matty and patted his back,'You're lucky you're not old enough to work yet.'
He laughed as Ellie prattled on to Matty while he laughed and babbled back in response. He was happy to have her back on the farm. It finally felt complete.
(Next up, the day of Annette's wedding.)