CHAPTER 4

PEONY: bashfulness

When Shizune showed me the throne room the next day, I was awed by the sheer size of it. The dome shaped roof was almost forty feet high at the centre, and filled with mosaic drawings of the Uzumaki's and the Senju's courageous past. With all that Shizune had told me about it, I now knew that the history of this kingdom was filled with many wars and bloodshed, and surprisingly, with even more festivities and revelries. These people believed that if they would not celebrate everything they could, then how would they keep themselves from drowning in their bloody and sad history? I could not say that I disagreed.

But as soon as Shizune led me to the ball room, right across the throne room, all thoughts left me. It was, by far, the biggest room I had ever seen, and I had seen more than a few huge rooms (most of which were in this kingdom itself, so I supposed I should stop being surprised every time). Just the wall opposite the entryway – in front of which a large podium was being set up for my coronation – seemed easily a hundred metres away. Large, carved pillars interrupted the room to provide support to the heavily decorated ceiling. The eastern wall on the right of the podium was a series of eight pairs of glass and metal doors that led to the gardens. The biggest gardens in the estate as far as I had seen, though the bamboo forest came to a close second. The western wall was closed off with a narrow corridor for the servants.

I could get lost in that monster of a ball room.

Shizune let me take my fill of the gargantuan hall in silence. There were servants scrubbing the stone walls and pillars. Every pillar was carved differently than others and being painted with white, black, and red colours. The walls were being painted off-white and the flat ceiling was full of floral drawings in various shades and designs. Small crystal chandeliers hung in a circle that played with the few rays of sunlight that reached them while a larger chandelier hung at the centre.

Shizune had asked me about my preferences for everything from decorations to flowers to food to seating arrangements to my coronation attire.

So far, all I could tell her was how I wanted my gown to be – because that was the only thing I managed to ask the Emperor during our walk in the gardens last night.

I had wanted to ask about a lot of things – the Queen's chambers, where he disappears off to every day, why he calls General Kakashi 'Kakashi-sensei', if I was allowed to wear short dresses, if I could help him with administrative work, if I could train once in a while, if I could see the Uzumaki and Senju temples, his childhood, his parents, this kingdom's past, The Wars, how he became the Emperor – so much I wanted to know. And I cowered, as expected.

In the end, all I could do was ask him about how I should dress for the coronation.

I felt stupid when I realised that he did not care how I dressed. He had just looked confused, "However you want, Hinata. You don't have to ask me about how you have to dress. Wear anything you want. Maybe add hints of the kingdom's colour for the coronation? I don't know. I'm sure you would be the most beautiful lady present there, regardless."

I ignored his compliment, but still quietly made a note of his tentative suggestion. And I did not ask anything about clothes after that. Or about anything else, either.

Truthfully, I was intimidated by him. Not that he did anything to scare me – it was just his general presence: the confidence and charm with which he carried himself, the accomplishments he had already achieved at such a young age, the respect he effortlessly commanded by every soldier and servant and noble I saw around him, the way I was hyperaware of his large and warm body beside me. He was everything I had ever wanted to be, and he made it look so natural that I had to admire his character.

Also, he seemed to be unexplainably tuned to me. He somehow knew what I was thinking, when I wanted to say something, when I wanted him to stop speaking, when I wanted him to give me space. It was slightly unnerving, if somewhat convenient.

We did see that sparkle of fireflies he was talking about, near a lake farther down from bamboo forest. It was beautiful; the lake, the garden, the fireflies, the few trees scattered on the outskirts of the clearing. Seeing all of that made me realise that he had taken me through a few parts of the estate that I had not seen with Shizune, and did not see with him either because I was too much aware of him less than an arm's distance from me.

When Shizune asked for my opinions on the theme, I went with his unhelpful suggestion for most of the things – whatever I felt would be the best, with subtle hints of red and black every here and there.

Shizune spent the day giving orders to every one working there, while I moved quietly on the sidelines, watching gardeners tend to the large garden beside the ballroom and giving random suggestions to Shizune every few minutes.

By evening, I was reminded of something else that I had hoped to remove from my memory.

The Hyuga family.

The guest lists.

Considering that it was myself who was going to be coronated, I was sure the Hyuga Imperial Family would be invited to the ceremony. I had no idea if they would come, despite my last words to them. I had no idea if I wanted them to come.

As I sat in the dining room, waiting for the Emperor to come, I decided that if they came, I would tell the Emperor everything, and hope he would take my side and politely rescind every invitation to them in the future. Consequences, I will have to bear.

But before that happens, there might be a chance that invitations were not yet sent, and if that was so, then I could request a veto on the guest lists. The Emperor seemed nice enough to let me do as I wished so far.

When he came, General Kakashi was nowhere to be seen, and he dismissed Shizune as soon as she saw her, thanking her for keeping me company.

Like the night before, he asked me about my day and I answered him honestly. We started eating dinner and I spent the next few minutes gathering my courage to speak.

"Your Majesty," I said. He looked me in the eyes and I stuttered before continuing, "Are- are the invitations for my coronation ceremony sent already?"

He shook his head as he chewed, then answered me after swallowing, "They are all drafted and set to be sent tomorrow."

He wanted to ask me why, I could see it in his expression, but instead he asked, "Did you want to see them?"

I nodded, lowering my eyes to his open collar when I could not hold his gaze anymore. I hated how I could not even say 'Yes, Your Majesty' to his face.

"You can come to my study tomorrow. I can keep them until tomorrow, but I am afraid they will have to be sent by the next day at the latest."

"Thank you, Your Majesty," I managed to say, grateful that he did not ask me anything else.

"You never have to thank me for anything, Hinata."

I did not look at him when he said that, or any time after that until he fell asleep beside me, facing me, in his rugged nightclothes.

…

Had I been alone, it would have taken me a full minute to gather the courage to knock. But I had Shizune a few feet behind me, one guard in front of me, and so, I only allowed myself five seconds of gathering courage. The 'come in' came barely louder than my thundering heart.

I had absolutely no idea why I was always so scared, here in the least scary place I had ever been, with a man who had never been anything near scary in all the time I had been with him.

The guard pushed open the door for me, and I entered the Emperor's study.

As little as I knew my husband, I was still not surprised to see the condition of his study room – disorganised and haphazard. Scrolls, parchments, binders and books were strewn over all the flat surfaces. It seemed nothing was where it should be. The shelves, covering the full left wall of the room, that were supposed to hold them was sparsely filled. A fireplace was situated at the centre of the right wall, the wall shared by the fireplace in Emperor's bedchambers, a couch placed a couple metres in front of the shelf and facing the cold fireplace. The couch was half-covered with scrolls and tomes and even paper weights.

The Emperor was not an organised person at all. His study room was like a physical representation of what I had made of his personality so far. I wondered how he could get anything done in this pigsty.

He was clearing his desk – which was incidentally the cleanest space in room besides the couple of armchairs that were placed definitely not where they should be. Not that it was saying much. The Emperor looked up at me – happy, he was always happy – and I saw his smile shrink a bit as his eyes went over me, head-to-toe.

After my first day here, I had been wearing lighter clothes, with a lot less layers than I was used to and the way his eyes swept over me every time he saw me never let me forget that.

Almost as fast as his eyes went down, they were up and looking into mine again, "Good morning, Hinata."

I curtsied, "Good morning, Your Majesty."

I heard him chuckle nervously before I rose and he said, "Please don't do that, Hinata. You don't need to bow to me."

I nodded, looking at his shirt collar, which was crisp and pressed but still unbuttoned.

"I assume you are here to see those coronation invitations?"

"Yes, Your Majesty." I watched him pick up a few random-looking parchments from a random-looking pile and then gestured for me to come closer.

I obeyed, and saw that the invitations were of thick, high-quality parchment. They had golden inscriptions on the borders and neat, hand-written words on the centre. Simple but regal.

I did not look up. "May I… may I see the one addressed to the Hyuga family?"

"Of course, here." He flipped the invitations and pulled out the one addressed to Hyuga Kingdom. "Do you want to change anything in it?"

"No, Your Majesty. I just…" I wondered how best to articulate my words to make them less vague. "I just… Can I send a letter to the… to Father, along with this invitation?"

When I looked up, he was frowning. "You can send him a letter any time you want, Hinata."

"But I want to send one with this." I realised belatedly that I sounded a little harsh, and the way his lips pressed together, he certainly noticed it too. I felt the blood rush to my face and I lowered my eyes again, momentarily scared of his reaction. But he did nothing.

"As you wish, Hinata." He rearranged the parchments to make space on the table, then stepped aside to make way for me. "I'll be in the training grounds with Kakashi-sensei."

As he passed me, his hand came halfway toward me, then stopped, then dropped and he continued his way out after giving me a single nod.

"Good day, Shizune," I heard just before the doors opened and closed.

I closed my eyes and groaned mentally. I always forgot about Shizune whenever I was with the Emperor. I cannot believe how rude I am to her.

I passed an uncertain smile to her, gesturing her to take a seat and walked over to the Emperor's chair. The warm, plush cushions brought a silly thought of sinking into the large chair, which I was sure would dwarf me, and falling asleep in it, and I pushed it aside.

The Emperor had placed a bunch of blank parchments beside the writing area, with some quills, ink, and pens. I dragged the chair closer to desk and sat straighter. Within seconds after picking up the quill, I knew I would not be able to write comfortably – the desk was just a bit too high for me.

I huffed and got up to drag the chair back, watching Shizune silently laugh from the corner of my eyes, and picked up a large, heavy tome before sinking into the chair as I had initially wanted to. Placing the tome on my lap – The Dark Beginnings of The Uzumaki Clan – I put a blank parchment and the inkwell on the hard, flat surface of the book.

"I see you are enjoying yourself, Shizune," I murmured with heated cheeks.

"Pardon me, Your Majesty. I did not mean to be rude."

Her apologising tone made me look up at her guilty expression, all the previous mirth leaving her. I immediately felt bad. "Oh. It is fine. I was not offended."

She visibly relaxed and I looked at the letter, wondering how I should start.

Father seemed too informal and affectionate, and I did not wish for him to believe that I forgave him, or any of them. I had hoped I could harden my heart a bit more toward my family now that I was not constantly reminded of their presence, but apparently no such thing had happened yet.

Your Highness did not sound right. The tender part of my heart that had held fondness for my family, even as another grew to resent them more and more over the years, was not agreeing with such a cold greeting.

Still, reminding myself of all the instances I was humiliated and scorned, I wrote, on the top left corner, Your Highness.

Words evaded me as I stared at the parchment, seeing nothing. I had never really had a conversation with most of the members of Hyuga family. Most of the times I spoke with Father, his words were laced with disappointment, and mine with shame. I did not know how to say anything now that I refused to feel that shame or acknowledge his feelings.

In the end, after more than half an hour of thinking and starting letters just to tear them away, I wrote a single sentence.

My brother Neji is most welcome at my coronation ceremony. But my previous words stand for everyone else.

I did not sign the note, and not only because I was unsure if I should use my name or my title.

I folded the note-letter neatly and placed it on the top of the invitations, hoping no one except Father would read it.

…

I briefly wanted to go to the training grounds where the Emperor said he would be, but I did not know what I would even do after going there. Or if the Emperor would even like my presence, though I supposed he would not mind too much – after all he told me where he would be of his own accord. I still had to help Shizune with the ceremony, and I spent the rest of the day doing just that.

The ballroom looked pristine two days later, after quite a lot of cleaning and painting and polishing, and now drapes were being put on the walls and balcony doors. The bright and colourful pattern of the ballroom was being extended to the theme for the ceremony, and I made a few suggestions to enhance the kingdom's colours without ruining the overall look.

What had mostly taken my attention was the lawn beside the ballroom that was being groomed to perfection. I did not understand why – the ceremony would be held in the morning inside the ballroom and the guests would leave by late afternoon. Anyone would hardly want to wander the gardens in the afternoon heat – I would know.

"Is something supposed to happen in the garden, Shizune?" I asked without moving my gaze, assuming Shizune would be around me as usual. When I did not get an answer, I turned to find Shizune near the west wall, helping a servant untangle a bundle of embroidered lacings while another sewed them over the drapes.

I looked around, deciding not to call her back, and my vision caught at the large, arching entryway. I could see the small silhouette of the Emperor through it. A few moments later I realised that he was coming towards the ballroom.

My heart thundered as I watched him come closer, nodding to guards at the entryway in acknowledgement before entering. He looked straight at me and grinned, lifting his hand in greeting.

I did not know how to act with him. Everything he did, demanded, were so out of the propriety that I was taught to follow all my life.

He reached me stood a couple feet away, hands in the pockets of his military pants and feet open in the relaxed stance of every soldier. "Are you enjoying yourself, Hinata?"

"Absolutely, Your Majesty." I answered, resisting the urge to wrap my hands around myself when his gaze turned to me.

"I was wondering… We are supposed to do the first dance after you are coronated. I was wondering if it would be alright with you if we practice it before?"

I nodded, "I agree, Your Majesty."

His hand extended to me, "Well then, may I have this dance, my lady?"

I tentatively held his hand. It felt as large and warm as the first time I held it. He led me a few steps away from the glass doors and then – his fingers interlocked with mine and his other hand wrapped around my waist and I could feel all of him even though we were not touching and I could smell his rich smell that was always unnoticeably present in our bedroom.

His bedroom, I reminded myself and tried not to breathe too deeply. I tried to put some distance between us but realised that I could not. He was very proper in the way he held me – not touching our torso anywhere, hand respectably high on my back, face neither indecently close nor insultingly far. The only thing he could have done more was to not interlock our fingers – and I could not even tell myself that I did not like it.

"Relax, Hinata," he said gently. His hand twitched on my back.

"There is no music?" I stated but it came out as a question.

"Do you need music to dance? I'm sure Shizune can arrange for it quickly."

I looked at him and he was looking somewhere at my back. It was overwhelming to be suddenly so close to him.

"No, no. I do not particularly need music to dance, Your Majesty." The music and motions for the first dance were same in all the kingdoms except the Aburame and the Inuzuka, and well engraved in me even though I had never had the chance to officially do it.

"Let's do it, then."

When I did not move for a few seconds, his hand on my back pushed me forward just a little bit and my right feet moved, starting the dance. The steps came to me naturally but all I was aware of was my husband's unfamiliar proximity and the two steps I embarrassingly stumbled through because of it.

I could barely look him the eyes before that, but after that mortifying dance, I was decidedly looking at the tendons in his neck, which was not much better than looking at his face. His neck was surprisingly attractive at such closeness.

"Do you want to do it again?" he asked me, no hint of annoyance or disappointment or anger in his voice. Could he even feel those emotions?

I shook my head quicker than was proper.

"In that case, can I convince you to take a walk with me?"

If had been thinking straight, I would have agreed to anything he asked. But in my embarrassed state, all I could think of was to get away from him as much as I could.

I shook my head. Then realised how rude I was being. "I- I need to be here to assist Shizune."

That was untrue.

If he knew it, he did not show. He nodded and stepped back, still holding my hand. He slowly raised my hand, simultaneously bending down to kiss the back of it. I felt blood rush to my face.

"At least tell me you will be present at the dinner."

I just nodded and watched as he walked a few steps backward, grinning, and then turned around to leave.

Why did that make my heart skip a beat?

…

"Why is the lawn behind the ballroom being prepared?" I asked him during dinner.

He tilted his head as he chewed. "Shizune didn't tell you?"

"I forgot to ask, Your Majesty."

I forgot quite a lot after he left me in the aftermath of that humiliation of a dance. Starting with our audience. I had completely blanked out of my surroundings while we danced and then some more. And then dreadful awareness returned and I noticed every person present had stopped their task to watch us.

It was somehow more mortifying than the dance itself.

Thank heavens for Shizune who quickly came to my rescue and snapped at the servants to go back to whatever they were doing. She came to my side and after a few minutes started talking. I did not know what about – I was not really hearing the words. I think she might have asked me a few things, but I was too shocked to listen or answer.

And then His Majesty came into the dining hall in all his confident, dishevelled glory acting like today was just another day in his life.

How could he not have ruminated over the fact that his wife – first wife – could not even dance properly?

Presently, he was cutting into his potato and looking like he was thinking how to answer me. I did not realise my question demanded such thought.

"So, this might be something different than what you were used to, but here in Uzumaki Kingdom, we celebrate with our people," he punctuated his words with a meaningful look at me. "I thought Shizune would have explained it to you by now but it's fine. It works like this: in the morning, you will be coronated in front of every royal and noble of this empire, and in the evening, our people will be allowed on the grounds to celebrate you as their Empress and as my wife."

I sat quietly as he explained, trying to process it all.

I had thought it would be over by the noon, but apparently the Uzumaki people were really serious about their revelries.

And I was not going to even start thinking about what that 'wife' did to me, again.

I realised I was nodding my head absently, and immediately stopped. "What am I expected to do during the evening?"

He shrugged, "Enjoy yourself?"

He took another bite of his dinner and made a face that I was recognising as the one he makes when he is trying to put his thoughts into words. He spoke after he finished chewing, "You will be with me most of the time. You are free to go anywhere you want by yourself, of course, but people will be coming to give their congratulations and it will be better if we are together for that. Other than that, I don't know, these are your people now. How you treat them then will set the standard for your rule. And… the people can be quite high-spirited. I feel like I should warn you of that. You would probably want to rest after the coronation guests depart."

"I see," I nodded, feeling not as surprised as I should have been, considering this is the exact opposite of what I had known my whole life.

But it will be fine. If I can live through the unholy heat of this kingdom, I can live through everything else that comes with it, too. I nodded again, to reassure myself.