Once again, I should mention that I do not own the Hobbit, nor the characters. Just this idea. Sorry last chapter was so short, this one is long.
In the progressing days, Bilbo found herself watching the dwarves, Thorin most of all, but other than a higher degree of respectful glances towards their leader, their attitude didn't change. She couldn't, for the life of her, figure out why these dwarves were doing this. She didn't think they were stupid enough to believe that this was a good idea, no one could be that stupid, right? But if Thorin knew the devastation such consequences would bring, why did he continue? Was the gold truly that enticing? Did he bring so few dwarves because it was a suicide mission? If so, why would he risk it at all? Bilbo knew that dwarves had settled in the Blue mountains, her grandfather enlisted her help in drawing up a contract for continuous trade of food for limitless weaponry for the rangers. She's sure that she would have heard at least something if the dwarves were in need. His motivations eluded Bilbo and it festered an unwavering curiosity of what this dwarf king was up to, it was maddening.
Bilbo had never thought herself particularly nosy. She liked to mind her own business, keep to herself, and avoid unnecessary entanglements. But something about Thorin Oakenshield and his company of gold-seeking fools made her itch with the need to understand.
It wasn't just the stubbornness, or the near fanatical way they followed their leader—it was the contradictions. Thorin was not a fool, that much Bilbo was fairly certain of. He was severe, grim, and prideful to a fault, but he was also intelligent. She had seen it in the way he commanded the company, the way he measured his words when he spoke with Balin, how he never let his emotions overtake his control. A leader like that wouldn't walk knowingly into disaster. And yet, that was exactly what he was doing.
So why?
The thought kept Bilbo up more nights than she cared to admit.
It didn't help that Thorin had a way of making himself impossible to ignore. His presence was sharp, like a blade constantly glinting in the corner of her eye. Whether it was glaring at her across the fire, silently watching from a distance, or outright looming over her shoulder whenever she spoke with the others—he was always there, a force of tension and scrutiny.
If she hadn't known better, she might have thought he knew he had an ace up his sleeve and the dragon had no chance against them.
But that didn't sit right either. The contract in of itself left no question on how many ways there were to die on this quest.
It wasn't until a night when the fire burned low and the air carried the first hints of a coming storm that Bilbo found a grain of an answer. It was another night she had lost the race to sleep and had wrapped her blanket around herself to starve off the chill in the air while settling herself near the fire. In her sleep-fogged mind, she hadn't realized she sat herself near Thorin, until his shifting to make room for her caught her eye. Silence stretching thick between them as they sat side by side, staring at the flickering embers.
She hadn't expected him to speak.
"You watch us," Thorin said, his voice quiet but heavy in the dark.
Bilbo turned her gaze toward him, surprised. "So do you," she countered without thinking.
Something in his expression flickered—amusement? Annoyance? It was hard to tell, he had such an expressionless face.
"You have questions," he stated, rather than asked. Bilbo hesitated. She hadn't realized her investigation on the dwarf's motives had been so blatant. Still she felt it rude to ask, but apparently a lack of sleep had loosened her tongue.
"Why are you doing this?" she asked before she could stop herself. "You're not foolish enough to think this will go smoothly. Even if you reach the mountain, even if you get inside, what then? You think a few dwarves will be enough to reclaim a kingdom from a dragon?"
Bilbo winced at how rough and rude it sounded, she braced herself against his expected anger. Another glare. Maybe even an order to mind her own business.
What she did not expect was the pain that flashed across his face before averting his eyes. Thorin's jaw clenched, as he turned his gaze back to the fire, as if searching for something in the dying flames.
"You do not understand what it is to lose a home," he said finally, his voice quieter than she'd ever heard it. Bilbo swallowed, suddenly unsure if she wanted to hear more, but he did not continue, instead, he walked back to his sleeping pad and lay down, his back facing toward her.
Bilbo felt her throat dry up, and an unusually large lump decided to find rest there. Because, at that moment, she thought maybe—just maybe—she did understand.
Bilbo pondered this over the next several miserable rain-filled days.
The storm was technically light, more a spring rain than anything, but it was relentless, battering them with water, it was a soaking rain that seeped into every seam and fold of clothing. The ponies trudged onward, heads bowed, hooves sinking into the mud. Bilbo was certain she would never feel warm or dry again.
The company had grown quieter, the miserable weather weighing down even the most jovial of spirits. Not that Bilbo was included in their conversations or particularly talkative herself. Her thoughts were too occupied, circling back to that night by the fire and the haunted look that had crossed Thorin's face.
She didn't like thinking about it. About him. It made her uncomfortable, made her chest feel tight in a way she didn't quite understand. She wanted to dismiss him as stubborn and prideful, to keep her distance and pretend she didn't care about his reasons or his pain. To focus only on her efforts to live, to get to the elves, and ignore the dwarves, because it didn't matter. The only thing that should matter was getting to live, but the memory of his words clung to her, refusing to be ignored.
You do not understand what it is to lose a home.
Bilbo had always been safe in Bag End. Safe, comfortable, secure. Perhaps it wasn't as much a home as it was a house now that she was alone, but it was still hers. She still had the warm hearth, the well-stocked pantry, the familiar hills of the Shire. She never had to think about what it would be like to lose it. To be driven out, to watch others take what was hers, to be unable to return.
But Thorin did. He'd lived it.
Bilbo pulled her cloak tighter around herself, the chill of the rain cutting through her like a knife. She shivered, teeth chattering, but it was not just the cold that unsettled her. It was the dawning realization that maybe she had been wrong.
Maybe this wasn't just about gold or pride. Maybe it was about something deeper. Still, that proud, shrewd part of her that knew that the dwarves had settled well into the Blue Mountains kept a fierce grip over her sympathy. There was no reason for this, no true reason but... well that was the question wasn't it?
Thorin was at the front of the line, leading the company with grim determination. She watched him, noting the tension in his shoulders, the way his head was bowed against the storm. She wondered what thoughts plagued him, what burdens he carried that she could not see.
But no answers came, only more questions.
That night, they huddled under a makeshift shelter of canvas and rock, cold and shivering, their fire little more than a sputtering flame. Bilbo hugged her knees to her chest, the ache in her bones a constant, nagging pain. She was exhausted, wet, and miserable, more so knowing that these could very well be her last days. Who knew if she would even wake up the next day? She really shouldn't care about these dwarves and what has made them so desperate to go fight a dragon. She was dying for Yavanna's sake, wasn't her own life more important than whatever was these dwarves' motivation?
Yet when she glanced across the dimly lit camp and saw Thorin, his eyes fixed on the distant horizon, face drawn and weary, her complaints lodged in her throat.
Bilbo knew that look, it was the same one she woke to every day, it was a look that yearned for something that was far out of reach. It was loneliness.
The lump in her throat returned, uncomfortably tight. She tried to look away, to mind her own business, but her gaze kept drifting back to him, like a moth to a flame.
She wondered what he was seeing out there in the darkness. The mountain? His lost home? The memories of everything he had endured?
Maybe, she thought, he's never stopped seeing it.
Bilbo turned her face away, shutting her eyes against the sting of rain and tears she refused to acknowledge. She firmly reminded herself that she didn't care about these dwarves or their mission, she had nothing in common with them, she was only here to reach Rivendell.
When the rain finally stopped and the dwarves' spirits seemed to lift with it, Bilbo made an active effort to avoid the dwarves as much as possible while hiding the fact that she was indeed ignoring them. It was ridiculously easy, not that Bilbo was all that surprised, she was not on good terms with her traveling companions after all. The only ones who seemed to notice were the wizard and, surprisingly, Thorin. But perhaps that was just her wild imagination, all day it felt like their lingering stares burned her, or maybe that was Thorin's true intent, and he was glaring, not staring. Logically, that made the most sense to Bilbo, but the wizard looked at her like he knew something, something she was clearly missing by the knowing look on his face.
Bilbo pretended she was completely oblivious to their gazes. She immersed herself in coming up with poems, tunes, and lyrics. By the time Thorin called for a stop near an old burnt-down farm, Bilbo had come up with a enter song about going ever and ever down the road.
"I think it would be wiser to move on!" Gandalf called out suddenly, just as Bilbo had dismounted. "We could make for the hidden valley." He continued, and Bilbo felt, for the first time in days, a surge of hope and excitement rush through her. Thorin scowled bitterly at the reminder and called out orders to continue setting up.
"We will rest here for the night," he said firmly, unpacking his gear. Gandalf huffed angrily and turned around to march off.
"Where are you going, Gandalf?" Bilbo asked before she could stop herself. She had no real concern over him but he was pretty much the only one who had conversed with her since the start of this journey so Bilbo felt somewhat ill at ease with him gone.
"To seek the company of the only one around here who's got any sense." He announced angrily as he marched through the crowd of dwarves.
"Oh? And who's that," she asked not at all pleased with his tone, but hopeful that he would remember that he was the one who wanted her to join this quest and as such had an obligation to make sure she was safe before he ditched her.
"Myself Master Baggins." He yelled, "I've had enough of dwarves for one day." was his departing grumble as he disappeared in the tree line. Bilbo felt miffed, if anyone should have had enough of dwarves already, it was no doubt her, and if she wasn't allowed to walk off in a huff and throw a tantrum then he sure as hell wasn't.
"Is he coming back?" Bilbo asked Balin incredulously as she turned to face him. Balin just sighed in resignation and shrugged his shoulders before carrying on. Bilbo felt her mood instantly sour.
She turned her glare to the dwarves, who were setting up camp with practiced efficiency. They didn't seem concerned at all, as if this was normal behavior for the wizard. Maybe it was. Maybe Gandalf was prone to storming off whenever things didn't go his way. Maybe he made a habit of dragging hapless hobbits on wild adventures only to abandon them at the first sign of inconvenience.
Bilbo muttered darkly under her breath as she unpacked her bedroll, laying it out on the driest patch of grass she could find. She wasn't foolish enough to pitch her bed too close to the dwarves, but she also didn't want to be on the very outskirts, not with the memory of that eerie sound still fresh in her mind. She settled somewhere in between, within earshot but not quite part of the group.
It was a delicate balance. One she had been maintaining since they left Bag End.
Bilbo watched them from the corner of her eye as they worked. They moved seamlessly together, speaking in low voices, laughing quietly at private jokes. Despite the harsh journey and miserable weather, there was a sense of ease and familiarity between them.
It made her feel oddly hollow and more irritable than she should ever allow herself. What right did they have in treating her as the social pariah when Gandalf's own commitment was so fickle?
She tore her gaze away, she was more than used to it, besides these dwarves didn't mean anything to her. She needed to get to Rivendell. That was all that mattered.
Then why did her chest ache whenever she saw them smile?
"He's been a long time." Bilbo piped up, handing Bombur some wild mushrooms she had scavenged earlier.
"Who?" Bifur asked as he scooped some stew into bowls
"Gandalf," Bilbo replied, brushing her hands off on her pants.
"He's a wizard. He does as he chooses. Here, do us a favor and take this to the lads." Bifur said handing her two bowls of stew before turning back to his task.
Bilbo did her best to avoid flinching at his easy dismissal and demanding outright why they questioned her motive but not the wizards, as she obediently moved to bring the boys their food.
Bilbo shook herself, willing the feeling of rejection away. She knew why, she had questioned them first. But I wasn't doing it to be malicious, the small vulnerable, lonely, part of her self whispered. I was just trying to be safe, to be smart, contracts are binding, is it so wrong to want an out? And I am trying, trying to get to know them, trying to understand. Is it really such a sin to be cautious? Bilbo violently shoved those thoughts from her. She did not join their quest to jump into the jaws of death, she came for the chance to live and that was it. She did not need their acceptance nor approval, it wasn't practical, Bilbo would leave as soon as she made her way to the elves, and she would forget all about them. She was only providing food and helping them translate the map. That was the only reason they were bothering to look out for her. It was not out of kindness or concern. Gandalf was going all the way to help them fight a dragon, of course, he had more respect than she did.
Moving away from the fire and into the dark of the tree line, Bilbo encountered the boys standing stiff and unmoving, even as she approached them.
"What is it?" she asked when they made no move to acknowledge her despite her holding out their food for them.
"We're supposed to be looking after the ponies," Kili said with a grimace on his face.
"Only we've encountered a slight problem." Fili finished looking equally worried as his brother. "We had 16, now there's 14."
"What? Are you sure?" Bilbo replied, moving forward to count the points, stew still clutched in her hands.
"Daisy and Bungo are missing," Kili reported trailing after her as she confirmed their statement.
"Well, that's not good," Bilbo said chuckling nervously. "Not good at all, well let's go tell Thorin, shall we?" Both boys eyed each other nervously.
"Uh, no. Let's not worry him." Fili said, "As our official burglar, we thought...you might like to look into it." he said as if it was a brilliant idea.
"Official my ass," Bilbo scoffed looking at the giant uprooted tree. "Clearly something big and possibly dangerous uprooted these trees," she said decisively, gesturing with one of the boy's bowls. "and I have no intention of..." But before she could finish, Fili interrupted.
"Hey, there's a light," he said calling his brother over with a wave of his hand and both of them moved together towards the light.
"Hey wait! This is really not a good idea," Bilbo called after them but either they didn't hear her or decided to ignore her, groaning in defeat, Bilbo followed. As they got closer, Bilbo heard a low sort of crashing behind them, turning to look, Bilbo could feel the venom rushing through her veins, a cool tingling sensation, that collected in her mouth where her canines elongated slightly, leaving the overwhelming taste of mint, as her heart raced.
"Get down!" Bilbo quietly hissed at the boys as she ducked down into the foliage and the boys hid behind a tree. There, holding Myrtle and Minty, was a giant grotesque troll lazily lumbering its way into the glow of the strange light.
"Oh dear! I think they're going to eat them! We have to do something!" Bilbo cried quietly in despair thinking of her poor Myrtle's fate. Both boys looked at her at the exact same time as if the concept of doing something hadn't occurred to them.
"Yes. You should." Kili said, delight showing on his face. "Mountain trolls are slow and stupid, and you're so small, they'll never see you."
"N- No. Absolutely not," Bilbo replied sternly.
"It's perfectly safe. We'll be right behind you," he insisted.
"Wh- but no,"
"If you run into trouble, hoot twice like a barn owl and once like a brown owl," Fili added coaxing her forward into the glow of the troll's campfire with a push on her back.
"Twice like a what?" Bilbo sputtered quietly as she whipped around to look at the boys but they were already gone. "Damn." Bilbo cursed, having every intention to turn back right this instant but the sound of a troll complaining caused Bilbo to duck away from sight, closer to the camp, unfortunately.
"Quit your griping!" a gravelly voice called out, "these ain't sheep, these is fresh nags,"
"I don't like horse, I never have," A higher nasally voice whined. "Not enough fat on them,"
"Well, at least it's something! So quit your griping Tom!" The first voice said again grumpily, the nasally one, Tom, suddenly sneezed, straight into the stew the trolls were attempting. Bilbo almost gagged at the sight. "Oh! That's lovely that is. A floater! Might improve the flavor," This time Bilbo did gag. Quickly and quietly, Bilbo made her way over to the horses. Reasoning that the quicker she got them out, the quicker she could get away from these trolls.
"I hope you're going to gut these nags. I don't like the stinky parts," Tom said, turning to leer at the horses, Bilbo just managed to duck in time, the bowls of stew, which she had just realized were still in her hands, splashed on her shirt. "OWW!" Tom wailed as the cook hit him over the head with his ladle.
"Quite your whining and sit down," he said roughly going back to the stew. Bilbo felt like this was as good an opportunity as any other and set down the bowls of stew to tug at the ropes. They were big and coarse, the frayed edges gripping onto each other too fiercely for Bilbo to untangle, despite this, Bilbo pulled and tugged desperately trying to find some way to get the poor dears out. Looking around for anything Bilbo could use to cut the ropes, Bilbo saw a long knife, more like a saber hanging on the belt of one of the trolls, Bilbo considered it for a brief moment but decided it was too risky, a last resort.
"Oi I'm starvin' are we havin' horse or what?" The biggest of the lot grumbled as Bilbo looked down at the ground for a sharp rock or something of the sort, but the only thing she saw was the bowl of stews, perhaps she could...
"Shut your cakehole!" the cook snapped back as Bilbo carefully dumped one of the bowls of stew on the loosest part of the ropes she could find. "You'll eat what I give ya." Quickly and aggressively she started to ease the ropes away from each other. Slowly the ropes started to slide past each other and Bilbo could have very well given a victory dance had she not been so terrified.
"How come he's the cook?" the burly one asked. Bilbo was halfway done, but the newly exposed rope was giving her a harder time so she used the last bowl she had. "Everything tastes the same! Everything tastes like chicken." Myrtle and the three other horses were clustered around Bilbo now impatiently shifting their weight as Bilbo struggled with the ropes, slowly, but assuredly getting them free.
"Except the chicken!" Tom said snootily "tastes like fish,"
"I'm just saying a little appreciation would be nice," the cook said as Bilbo managed to detangle the ropes. The horses let out several happy sounds, causing Bilbo to duck and freeze, the taste of mint practically choking her at this point, but the troll didn't seem to notice. "Thank you very much, Bert, Lovely stew, Bert. How ard is that?" He continued oblivious. Bilbo let out a sigh of relief. The top rope was gone, but there was a lower one in the way, still, Bilbo didn't have to get rid of it so much as ease it down on the post enough for the ponies to get over it. Taking a bit of softened potato from whatever was left of the stew Bilbo started rubbing it onto the post, hoping against hope it had enough fat in it that it would help with easing the ropes down.
Unfortunately, it was at this point that the ponies had run out of patience. With their desperation to break free, the ponies made quite the ruckus between themselves to be the first to vault over the fence. Thankfully, the ponies made it, all four of them darting out of their cage and into the forest line, but it was the commotion between Daisy and Minty, their desire to get out causing them to jump at the same time. Bilbo stumbled back, straight into the troll's campsite, to avoid being trampled.
"Oi" Bert, the cook called out in outrage as he saw his meal escaping, shooting up from his seat. Bilbo barely had a moment to gather herself before Bert's massive hand swung down, narrowly missing her as she scrambled backward, slipping on the gravel. Her heart thundered in her chest, and she had the brief, hysterical thought that she wanted to throw a tantrum. She was going to die here instead of the ponies, how bothersome, she had been so close to Rivendell too. "Quick Bill, Grab it! Grab it!" Bert yelled, making another attempt for her, which Bilbo managed to duck.
"It let our dinner escape!" Bill, the burly one, bellowed, his eyes bulging with fury as he stomped toward her, realizing the horses were long gone, and trying to snatch her up angrily. Bilbo darted past him and to the only safe place she could go, between Tom's legs.
"Blimey! It's quick!" Tom yelped, turning to try and catch her too. Just when Bilbo thought she could perhaps be quick enough to escape, Tom lost his balance and nearly toppled right on top of her. Yelping Bilbo dove out of the way, landing painfully on her side, this gave Bert, the one she landed closest to, the opportunity to catch her. He picked her up in a meaty fist that constricted Bilbo's lungs worse than any corset ever would, Bilbo let out a little whimper, briefly, she wondered if biting the putrid-smelling flesh was worth it, but if she could still smell them even with her senses being flooded with mint, well, it turned Bilbo's stomach just thinking about it.
"Oh, very nice Bert! You caught it!" Tom exclaimed joyfully, stumbling back to his feet and all three trolls gathered around their prize.
Bert narrowed his beady eyes suspiciously. "Oi! What's this then?" He bent down, his face so close Bilbo could see the warts on his nose.
"I don't know Bert. I've never seen anythin' like it," Tom said, inspecting her with an eager sort of light in his eyes.
"Wouldn't make more than a mouthful," Bill said bitterly, his face contorted in anger before he reached out and yanked her out of Bert's grip. Bilbo felt her bones creak in protest and the air get knocked out of her. Damn, it was worth it if she was going to be crushed to death, Oh, if only she had enough wiggle room to bite them, but as it was she was held in such a tight grip she couldn't so much as move let alone breathe, she let out a strangled whimper at the pain. "Oi, are there any more of you out there?" Bill spat at her angrily, shaking her as if he could shake loose her secrets as much as any coin.
"N-no" Bilbo whimpered out if only to stop him from shaking her. Bill's eyes narrowed, clearly not convinced.
"It's lying," Tom exclaimed with childlike glee. "Hold its toesies over the fire. Make it squeal."
Bilbo's vision wobbled, and she felt her head spin. She was half-tempted to faint just so her death wouldn't be so painful. Before anything more could happen, Tom suddenly let out a loud painful squeal as he moved forward suddenly and hopped on one foot.
"Drop her." A voice demanded and all four of them turned to look at the voice. It was Kili, standing there defiant, sword in both of his hands. Bilbo could have strangled him, did he still not get Thorin? They had just lost the element of surprise! He didn't have any leverage to demand anything of the trolls, Great Yavanna, the whole line of Durin were idiots!
"You wot?" Bert asked, looking at him like he was an idiot, he was, was Bilbo's thought as the brunette dwarf swung his sword around.
"I said, drop her," Kili demanded with a victorious smile on his face.
"Wait!" Bilbo wheezed, much too softly for it to be heard, as Bill snarled and chucked Bilbo right at the dwarf. Kili managed to drop his sword just in time to catch her. They landed in a tangle of limbs and knocked the wind out of both of them. Right at that moment, the company came spilling out of the tree line like milk left too long on the stove, yelling their war cry.
"Drop Her!?" Bilbo managed to accuse breathily as she scrambled off of the lad. Kili, antsy to be a part of the fight, gave her a crooked smile and shrug before he eagerly rushed into the fray, grabbing his dropped sword as he did. Bilbo, absolutely kaput over her encounter, crawled behind a rock and watched, figuring it was better not to get in the way.
Bilbo watched from behind her rock and couldn't help but feel somewhat mesmerized. The dwarves fought like a unit, hitting high when one went low, it was like a dance, a very violent dance but a dance nonetheless. For a brief moment, Bilbo thought they could actually win this. But then Nori got picked up by his weapon by Tom, Bilbo felt her breath hitch as she jumped up from behind the rock, thankfully Ori came to his brother's rescue. He shot a rock into Tom's eye, causing the troll to drop him.
Unfortunately, this is when Tom turned his attention to Ori. Ori started to run, but because he was keeping his eyes on Tom as he ran, he didn't notice he was running straight into Bert, who had noticed and was waiting for him. Bilbo felt her legs moving before she knew what she was doing.
"Ori! Watch out!" she screamed, but her voice was drowned out by the chaos of battle. Bert's massive hand was already reaching down for Ori, who was still running blindly forward, oblivious to the danger. Knowing she would regret this, Bilbo tackled Ori out of the way, only for an, unfortunately familiar, meaty hand to pluck her up instead.
"LAY DOWN YER ARMS OR I'LL RIP ER'S OFF!" Bert bellowed into the clearing, holding Bilbo high above his head like some sort of trophy. Bilbo could only feel bitter annoyance at this, of course, this would happen to her, she thought as the clearing seemed to freeze.
Bilbo knew they wouldn't lay down their arms, it was pointless, she hadn't signed their contract nor agreed to be their burglar. She knew that Thorin did not want to go to Rivendell and this way he didn't have to. With her gone, they had no obligation to go to the elves and Gandalf could make inquiries on their behalf without the dwarves or elves ever interacting. The only downside was their supplies, but Bilbo's things were with her sleeping roll, should they go through it, they would have found sufficient funds for all of them. She was expendable, a last-minute addition they didn't want in the first place. Her presence meant nothing to him, err them. And she was fine with that... she had to be.
But if she was going to die she was taking these trolls with her, that was her contribution to society.
"Oh, for the love of—" Bilbo wheezed, her voice strained from the troll's grip. "Would you lot just… get on with it already?"
Bert looked around in confusion at the gathered dwarves, but they looked just as confused as he felt. Hesitantly he looked up, beady eyes squinted. "Eh?"
Bilbo rolled her eyes, feigning annoyance. "You heard me. Cook me or drop me. You're hurting my ribs, you great oaf!"
There was a collective gasp from the company. Thorin's eyes widened in shock, a flash of alarm breaking through his anger.
Bert blinked, his jaw working like he was trying to process what she'd just said. "You… you wot?"
Bilbo groaned, wiggling a bit in his grip. "What are you, hard of hearing? I said you're hurting my ribs! So either cook me now or drop me. It's not that hard to understand." Bilbo exclaimed exasperatedly.
"Bilbo! No!" Kili exclaimed, moving forward as if to save her, but his uncle stopped him, Thorin looked strangely pained as he looked at her.
"Stop! We'll drop our weapons." Thorin declared turning to glare at the trolls in that regal way of his. Bilbo's jaw dropped, she never expected... why would he? Bert's face split into a crooked, yellow-toothed grin.
Bilbo was in shock. Thorin Oakenshield—kingly, stubborn, proud Thorin—was surrendering… for her? She could hardly wrap her mind around it. Why? She wasn't their burglar; she wasn't even supposed to be here. She was just a silly hobbit who'd gotten herself caught.
Thorin's glare was so fierce it could have melted stone. His shoulders were taut, tension radiating off him in waves as he tossed his sword at their feet.
The other dwarves followed suit, their weapons clattering to the ground. Dwalin's expression was thunderous, like he was ready to rip the trolls apart with his bare hands, but even he complied.
"You Idiots! Don't do that!" Bilbo found herself saying much to the surprise of everyone there, herself included. Bert's head swiveled around, his beady eyes narrowing as he stared at her.
"Oi! Who're you callin' an idiot, you tiny little maggot?" He gave her a sharp shake, and Bilbo's head snapped back, her vision spinning.
She grimaced, pushing down the nausea. "Not you, you giant sack of mutton grease—them!" She nodded her head toward the company, her voice dripping with exasperation. "What do you think you're doing?"
Thorin's eyes blazed with fury. "We're saving your life!" he snapped, his voice rough. "So kindly keep quiet, halfling."
"Some rescue this is!" Bilbo retorted, her courage bolstered by her sheer indignation. "You're all going to get yourselves killed, and for what? I'm not even your burglar! I didn't sign that ridiculous contract!"
The dwarves looked taken aback, a few eyebrows shooting up. Thorin's mouth tightened into a thin line, his jaw clenching so hard Bilbo thought she heard his teeth crack.
"Doesn't matter," Thorin said, his voice low and dangerous. "You're one of us now."
Bilbo's heart skipped a beat, her mouth dropping open. "That... IS COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT! Truly, the stupidest line of reasoning I have ever heard! Now all of us are going to die instead of just one! You really are an idiot!" Bilbo yelled at him, ignoring how Thorin's face started to color in indignation.
"Shut up, all of ya!" Bert demanded as he shook Bilbo again for emphasis, and she squeaked, her vision going fuzzy around the edges. "Tom! Bill! Get them tied in the sacks!" he said, Bilbo watched helplessly as the dwarves were trussed up and half were shoved into sacks while the other half were strapped to a spit. Ironically, Bilbo ended up pretty much on Thorin's lap.
Thorin's face was a thundercloud, his mouth a thin, furious line. His shoulders were rigid, even in his constraints. Bilbo scowled at him. "Great plan, Thorin! Really brilliant! What's next? Are we going to offer ourselves as seasoning?"
Thorin's face flushed an alarming shade of red. "Would you just be quiet, you insufferable—"
"Enough of that!" Bill grunted as he settled down once again by the fire, "urry up would you!" he spat at Bert. "We haven't got all night, an I don't fancy bein' turned to stone." Bilbo felt her breath catch in her throat as she quickly turned to look at the lightening sky. It was barely noticeable given the light of the fire and the unintentional shade of the rock behind them, but it might just work.
"Wait!" Bilbo yelled out, scrambling to get up and elbowing Thorin in the process, making him grunt out a protest that sounded something like, shut up.
"Oh shut the yappy one up already would you Bert," Bill groaned, moving to pick her up and put her back in the pile.
"Wait, wait!" she shouted again, wriggling against his grip, "I just wanted to give you some advice." Bill snorted as he hung her upside down.
"An' what advice could you possibly give us?" He asked mockingly, dangling her back and forth in front of his face. She tried to give him a reproachful stare, but it was hard while hanging upside down.
"Well, I was going to tell you the secret to cooking dwarf, but if you're going to be like that-"
Before she knew it, she was being pulled out of Bill's grip and clutched by Bert.
"An' why would you give us advice on how to cook dwarf?" he demanded, eyes narrowed in suspicion. Bilbo gave a fake sigh like she was all above it and gave Bert a stare like he was particularly stupid.
"Oh, honestly," Bilbo huffed, crossing her arms—or trying to, considering she was still dangling like a sack of potatoes, and currently in a sack. "Do you really think I want to die tough and stringy? I may be your dinner, but I've still got some pride."
Bert blinked, his mouth hanging open in dumbfounded silence. "Pride?" he repeated, like the word was entirely foreign to him.
"Yes, pride!" Bilbo said, her tone exasperated. "I don't want to be remembered as the worst meal you ever had. Imagine the disgrace! My ancestors would never let me live it down."
Tom scratched his head, looking at her like she'd sprouted another head. "You care 'bout what yer ancestors think... after you're cooked?"
"Of course!" she said, rolling her eyes. "We Bagginses have standards, even in death."
Bert shook his head as if to clear it. "Is that what you are? A Bagginses?"
Bilbo nodded and hummed her agreement at him.
"Yer a weird little creature, ain't ya?"
"Oh, you've no idea," Bilbo muttered. Then, louder, she added, "Look, you want a good meal, don't you? One that's juicy, tender, bursting with flavor?"
Tom's stomach growled, and he rubbed it with a dreamy expression. "I do like juicy..."
"Well, there you go!" Bilbo said, seizing her moment. "And I know just how to do it. But you're going about it all wrong. You can't just roast a dwarf like a chicken; they're too tough. They're all muscle."
Bert looked at the spit, roped with grumbling dwarves, who were glaring at her with expressions ranging from indignation to betrayal. "Oi!" Fili shouted.
Bilbo ignored him. "You've got to tenderize them first. Give 'em a good pounding, let the meat rest, then soak them in a nice brine—apple cider works wonders, really brings out the flavor."
Dwalin looked positively murderous. "Brine me, and I'll brine your skull, you miserable halfling!"
"See? Tough," Bilbo said matter-of-factly. "You'd chip a tooth on that one."
Bert's eyes widened in appreciation. "Apple cider, ya say?"
"Oh, absolutely," Bilbo said, her voice conspiratorial. "And then, for the stew, you've got to use the right herbs. Not that garbage you've got lying around. You need thyme, rosemary, maybe a hint of sage. Really let the flavor seep in. And you can't overcook it, either—makes it all chewy. But if you simmer it just right, you'll have a feast to remember."
Tom's mouth was watering now. "A feast to remember..." he echoed, swaying slightly.
Kili's face was a mask of horror. "You're giving them recipes?"
Bilbo threw him a scathing look. "Do you want to be overcooked?"
Kili's jaw worked, but no sound came out and Bilbo glared at him, trying to implore that she was buying time with her eyes. It did not look like anyone was getting the message.
Bill frowned, his thick brow furrowing. "An' why should we trust ya?"
Bilbo gave him her best wounded expression, eyes wide and innocent. "Why wouldn't you? I've got no reason to lie; it's not like I'm getting out of here. Might as well make sure you don't ruin your dinner." Bill looked at Bert, who looked at Tom, who was already licking his lips.
"Bah, I've had plenty of dwarf plain and they were just fine," Bill announced, crossing his arms and glaring at her. "I think you're a cheeky little maggot who's trying to take us for fools!" he said poking her in the ribs aggressively. Bilbo was going to be black and blue tomorrow.
Bilbo's face twisted in anger. "How rude!" she exclaimed giving Bill her best 'I'm disappointed in you' look. "Here I am trying my best to make my death have a meaning and you throw it back in my face?" Bilbo said, voice wobbling as she pinched herself quite hard on her hip so tears were brought to her eyes.
"Is it so wrong to want to be remembered, if only as a lovely meal, when I die?" Bilbo cried, tears starting to flow up her face, for she was still upside down. The three trolls' eyes widened quite comically, and they started panicking, looking at each other for answers. No, Bilbo did not feel in any way guilty of wielding her femininity like this.
Bert was the first to speak, scratching the back of his neck nervously. "Please stop cryin'. We'll make a nice stew outta ya and—"
"Don't encourage it, Bill!" Bill barked, Bilbo let out a sharp loud wail before really turning up the water works.
"I just wanted to make sure I was worthy of being remembered, even if it's just as a meal. I didn't want to go out as some sad, forgotten snack. I wanted to leave behind something good, something people could enjoy…" She wailed through pathetic sounding sobs, and looking up at them through watery lashes. She cried at them long and hard while the trolls Bert and Tom sputtered and freaked, offering her useless comforts on how delicious they were going to make her. It was Bill that didn't seem quite as moved, shifting uncomfortably but glaring menacingly all the same. It wasn't until she saw the flicker of Gandalf from the corner of her vision did she stop her crying fit, throwing in one last hitching breath for good measure.
"You.. you promise you're going to make me into a nice lovely meal?" She asked softly.
Bill, Tom, and Bert all exchanged glances. Tom and Bert looking deeply conflicted. "Ya know Bert, she really wouldn't make more than a mouthful, maybe we should keep er. We could keep her as a pet to cook all our meals for us!" Tom exclaimed, sounding unfairly excited for someone who wanted to eat her just a moment ago.
"Wait! You don't want to eat me?!" Bilbo asked, sounding completely devastated, "But I wanted to be eaten first! I don't want to have to worry and anticipate my death!" Bilbo shouted.
Bert hummed thoughtfully, completely ignoring her as he rubbed his chin. "Couldn't hurt, we could always eat 'er if we get hungry enough," he mused, looking more enticed with the idea the longer he looked at her. Bill looked at the two of them in shock before angrily ripping her out of Bert's grip.
"This little ferret is taking us for fools and I'm going to end it right now!" He said turning a dangerous shade of red.
"Ferret!?" Bilbo squawked in offense before he dropped her abruptly, she hit the ground hard, the impact knocking the wind out of her and she felt her head hit something hard.
"We don't need no advice from the likes of you. Now, no more games! You're done playin' with us!" Bill growled, stomping closer. "Let's see how tough and stringy you are when I squish ya flat!"
Bilbo's head spun and there was a strange ringing in her ears that made the world dizzy, pain laced through her back. Bill roared, raising his foot to stomp her into the dirt.
"NO!" Thorin shouted, and it was enough to drag Bilbo back out from the darkness that was creeping around her eyes and to roll her body out of the way in the nick of time.
"OI, I want her as a pet!" Tom shouted at Bill angrily as Bert dragged Bill away from her by his shoulder.
"THE DAWN WILL TAKE YOU ALL!" A voice shouted into the clearing before Gandalf cracked the boulder in half and the camp was flooded with light.
The trolls' cries turned to panicked, guttural howls as they attempted to retreat into the shadows, but it was too late. The light seemed to burn through their thick, leathery skin, and with a final, agonizing screech, the trolls began to turn to stone, their twisted forms freezing in place.
A cheer rose up amongst the company and Bilbo managed to let out a weak "yay!" before flopping her tired limbs back on the ground. She lay there in a sort of daze as she looked at the lightened sky and wished for a bath. Then, strong hands gripped her shoulders, pulling her upright. She looked up, blinking through the haze of pain, and found herself face-to-face with Thorin.
"Are you alright? Are you hurt?" He asked gently, untying her from the rank sack she was still in, eyes scanning over her frantically.
"Yeah, I mean yes, I'm fine," Bilbo responded, carefully pulling herself out of the sack and away from Thorin's outstretched hands, the lingering taste of venom aiding in her motivation to step away from him.
Thorin gave a small sigh, Bilbo wasn't sure if it was of relief or disappointment before his face hardened and jaw clenched. "What were you thinking?" he asked, his voice hardening with every word.
"Uh, stalling for time?"
Thorin gave her a hard stare. "Are you answering my question with a question?" he asked, his voice dangerously calm.
Bilbo raised her brow at him and planted her hands on her hips. "No, I just wasn't sure what you were asking me. I mean it was obvious I was stalling, it would be nigh-on impossible to find apple cider way out here."
Thorin took a deliberately deep breath before closing his eyes, it was exactly ten seconds before he opened his eyes again. "You should've stayed out of it. You could've—"
"Could've what?" Bilbo interrupted, as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Died?" she finished for him, her lips curling into something like a smile, but it was bitter and barely had any strength behind it. "Who knew? You should really put that in your contract. 'You could die on this quest,' would really help eliminate any confusion."
Thorin's mouth snapped shut, his eyes flashing with anger and irritation. He took a step back, running a hand through his hair, clearly struggling to maintain his composure. "You are an insufferable menace," he muttered, more to himself than to her, "Oin!" he called as he stepped away from her, "Check on the Halfling," with that, he strode away checking in on the other dwarves before making his way to the wizard.
Bilbo muttered darkly under her breath about kings being idiots as she watched him go, her frustration bubbling up again, but she quickly squashed it down as Oin came over to check on her.