A/N: (2/3) I already had a playlist of sad songs, but then I took the saddest of those songs and made an even sadder playlist LOL Sad and yearning is the vibe and it's gonna be a bumpy ride ʕノ•ᴥ•ʔノ ︵ ┻━┻
Also, if you needed a sign to watch the anime Frieren: Beyond Journey's End -well- this is your sign and my formal endorsement. Beautiful storytelling and high fantasy. BIG FEELS.
Ch. 10 - Ceremony
Kakashi is not eager to preside over the ceremony. He wilts at the thought of standing on a stage. At a podium. In front of a room of people who only know him as Lord Sixth.
Anyone else could be inside these robes, going through the motions of ceremony. It would make no difference at all.
Anywhere but here.
But it is his duty to stand here and maintain his composure. No matter how much the feudal lords fuss in their seats behind him. Or the elders reminisce about god knows what, going off-book while the crowd becomes restless.
He glances at the clock, silently calculating how much longer it will be.
Inori is at the end of a row, having arrived late. Legs crossed and arms folded, her eyes flutter shut periodically. After so many hours in the sun, a warm sleepiness has seeped into her bones.
The formalities of the night alone could have bored her to death though.
Her head finally falls forward. Her eyes snap open. They dart left to right as she rights herself again. How long was she out for?
Maybe a minute or two. There wasn't much to miss.
She checks the clock high on the wall above her.
Kakashi's eyes drop the moment her gaze lifts. He catches the curious expression on her face that quickly shifts to relief, albeit with an undercurrent of weariness.
Maybe she dislikes formalities as much as him.
Her eyes quickly pass over his, avoiding eye contact. Terrified that he can read her thoughts if she looks back at him.
More minutes pass.
With a sharp exhale, she lets her head roll back to stare at the ceiling. The venue is a historic armory brought out of retirement. An old building with dark stone floors, the slabs wide and long as if sliced from boulder faces. Grand cross-sections of rock. Support beams wrap about the building in a skeletal manner, buttressing a long hall of peaked ceiling.
It's not an ugly building, per se. Surely not elegant. Too heavy to be elegant.
She counts the ceiling beams, itching for the reception to start. The corners of her feet burn against the hard edges of her shoes, threatening to blister. Beauty is pain, yada, yada. She feels silly for subjecting herself to this all evening.
A sudden round of applause bursts around her. It sends a breathless shock through her system. She hisses at her jumpy nerves.
Shit.
Kakashi looks over the crowd. He catches the moment of alarm when the applause startles her. But her expression is quickly covered by the way that people are now moving to stand.
A standing ovation for the Hokage's final remarks.
He thoughtfully drums his fingers on the side of the podium. Her clear disinterest will not shake his ability to command a room, but it does give him pause.
A genuine concern about his ability to capture her attention.
The crowd disperses for festivities. Inori stands for the attendees spilling out of her row. She desperately tries to reenergize herself before grabbing her purse.
Wake up, wake up!
"Enjoying the ceremony?" A teasing voice at her side. A voice that was across the room just a moment ago.
He caught her zoning out, hadn't he? The question is too obvious. She worries about what more he can intuit. She decides to sidestep giving him an answer.
"Are you enjoying all of this pomp and circumstance?" Her fingers fiddle with her purse clasp.
"Pomp and circumstance? That's a way to put it." He shifts his weight, dropping his hands into his pockets. "I prefer to think of it as a 'diplomatic boredom.' It's all part of the job, I suppose."
A dry joke. He never seems to run out of those.
"Well, I don't know how I feel about being a victim of this 'diplomatic boredom' tonight." Inori's voice trails off, the sound petering out into a sigh more than she'd like.
She tries to liven up her demeanor: "I need a drink. Badly."
He understands what she's asking: Can we escape the drudgery?
"Come on. Let's find something strong then." His eyes crinkle.
Strong. She shoots him an approving look. Come to think of it, they've never drank together. He watched her achieve a high-grade tipsy, maybe a low-grade drunk… but that was so long ago. She wonders what a loosened-up version of him is like.
If that's even possible.
Kakashi leads her to the bar, a hand gently guiding her arm above the elbow. He's keenly aware of the line he must walk to appear professional. Maybe overly-friendly, but nothing more.
Nothing enough for others to care or notice, but an open bar and international mingling will lend some cover tonight. Both things are exceptionally distracting. Thankfully.
They take a seat. Two shots land in front of them. Inori excitedly pats the bar before snatching hers. He toasts.
"Here's to diplomatic events and the need for liquid courage."
She lifts her glass in sync before catching his words. "The need for liquid courage?"
"Sometimes a little alcohol can give us a temporary measure of braveness." His words carefully ambiguous.
Kakashi tips his glass towards her before turning away. Subtly and quickly enough to cover his face with his hand. An empty glass hits the bar.
She throws her head back and it goes down harshly. A sharp heat of alcohol escapes her nose, the vapor pluming in her sinuses. Her eyes tear up and she blinks hard.
She's certainly awake now. Embarrassed.
A better drinker than this brilliant display.
Kakashi can't help but laugh at her expense. He finds the fumble endearing. How she tries to downplay the burning in her chest but failing at the same time. He leans in, enjoying the moment of pure discombobulation.
"Careful there… or temporary bravery won't be the only thing on the menu tonight." A playful glint in his eye.
She's starting to get used to the teasing, not finding herself so easily blown sideways by him. A giddiness bubbles up inside of her as opposed to reflux. Thankfully.
Being in conversation with him in such a large, loud space feels unexpected. It must be strange for a Kage to be shooting back drinks with a per diem staffer like her. A bit odd on the surface.
But what does she know?
"Don't worry yourself." Her voice hoarse before sipping water. Not very sexy. "There will only be good things on the menu tonight." She punctuates the statement with her eyes. Trying to be sexy.
He nods at her matching the wink wink nudge nudge of his words. Now to poke further. Prod a bit. Push, even.
"Such as… a little mischief? Something daring?" His then offers his own menu item: "Perhaps a side of stolen moments in the shadows."
Her mind fills with his previous words: reckless, impulsive, daring...
She immediately shuts down the thoughts. This is not the time or place for them. Not under his discerning gaze.
Inori angles herself to face him fully. To properly assess his proposal.
"I think you need to sell me on those menu items..." The rush of the botched shot emboldens her. "I don't like doing the same thing twice." Her words intentionally unambiguous.
He likes the way she meets his provocations. Even if he doubts his own ability to pull focus, she certainly holds his with a steady ease.
"You don't like doing the same thing twice, huh?" He repeats, resting a hand on the bar's edge between them. "I think I can provide you with something different then." A smirk.
"Is that a promise?"
Two full glasses land again. She toasts him again. Throws her head back again. With an easy confidence this time. Thankfully.
A beat.
"It is, isn't it?" He concedes. His eyes sweep over her face and shoulders, their path up and down her figure deliberate. "But I'm confident I can deliver."
The comment lands squarely where it needed to.
A part of her is equally irked and impressed by her inability to ruffle him. Nothing seems to knock him off-kilter. The casual confidence persists, besting her instead.
Notice the way her eyes flash with a mix of irritation and admiration. He delights in this effect he has on her. The way she tries so hard to get the reaction she wants but cannot get.
"Feeling nervous, are we?" A breezy question.
"Hardly." A curt, edgy word.
"Is that a challenge I hear?" His eyes narrow slightly at this. Hasn't she learned that he's not the type to back down from a challenge?
Then another thought: Ah, this is precisely because she has learned.
How should he push her? He maintains eye contact, coolly controlled. Blatantly playing in her face and gleefully getting away with it. Wanting to see her crack just for the hell of it.
His eyes smile into half-moons. He loves finding a playmate in her.
More empty glasses hit the bar.
Now his stoic demeanor infuriates her. How composed he is. How his gaze never falters. How he holds his liquor while her eyes feel bleary. How he's besting her at playing hard to get.
Winning this strip tease of will-they-won't-they that each is performing for the other.
Her composure starts to crumble, her lips twisting in annoyance. If she were more perceptive, she would notice the dull reflection in his eyes. Characteristically a lightweight, he is quite beyond a high-grade tipsy, low-grade drunk.
He covers it well though. A helpful party trick in times like this.
"Are you doubting my abilities, or simply trying to bait me into doing something reckless?" A poke.
She leans more of her weight on a wobbly elbow. "If my memory serves me correctly... you don't need much baiting to do something reckless." An impish smile covers the way her heart flutters wildly.
"You're not wrong… I've been known to make rash decisions every now and then." He shoots a sideways comment at her: "But I think you like it."
"Your words, not mine." Her own carry a slightly drunken note.
Inori peers at him over the edge of a champagne flute. They've been carelessly mixing their liquors. Her for no other reason than craving a fizzy drink. Bubbles never fail to burst energy through her and brighten her eyes. And add a shameless wink to her voice.
She is full of liquid courage. Not yet temporary braveness.
He chuckles to himself, shaking his head. "Careful there... I'd hate to see you end up under the bar before the night ends."
Inori rolls her eyes, finding the comment tiresome and overly-concerned the second time around. She quips from behind her glass:
"I'll only end up under the bar if you don't end up delivering."
Kakashi's eyes widen at her bold statement, his smile growing into something wolfish. He hadn't expected her to be so plain about her intentions.
He quite likes it.
"Well, well, well… You're putting me on the spot, aren't you?" He places a hand on her chairback, closing in on her frame. Hushing his voice.
"Are you saying that if I deliver, you'll end up underneath me?"
Her mind fills with her private images of him. Being reckless, impulsive, daring…
Deep.
She drops her gaze before he can read her expression. He responds by speaking closer to the side of her face. Pushing a little further.
"You seem to think I'm uptight and rigid…" He toys with her at a low volume. "That I have a stick up my ass and can't let loose. That I can't simply let go and enjoy the moment."
"I never said any of those things!" She cups her mouth with her hands, letting out a bawdy laugh at his words. She leans back sharply only to press into the side of his hand behind her.
He makes her too jumpy now.
"I- I've seen you loosen up some..." Not true. "…but have you ever just thrown yourself into something just for the hell of it?" A question she's held onto for a while now.
Kakashi abruptly pauses. A dark expression flickers across his face. In this moment, the inner monologue that had quieted gains back its voice. It knocks fiercely at the door of his faculties, filing them with noxious thoughts about the past.
Alcohol can lubricate this slippery slope in unexpected ways.
"You're asking if I've ever been careless." He pulls back slightly, a strange seriousness in his voice now. "If I've ever thrown caution to the wind and given into impulse, just for the hell of it."
Why the sudden distance? She studies the change in his expression, the way it darkens with something she can't pin down. For some reason, this has hit a nerve with him. That worries her.
She trains her bleary eyes on his face with a new level of attention. Her voice softens with an edge of damage control. The teacher's voice reserved for being a needed, gentle presence:
"Carefree is not the same thing as careless."
Kakashi stills at her statement. She saw something unspoken underneath it all, didn't she? She can be too astute sometimes. That worries him.
He doesn't know what to make of her earnest desire to understand him. It's more foreign than familiar.
"You're right." A strained admission. "You're right. They're not the same thing… But they can feel awfully similar in the heat of the moment."
Without control, the difference between life and death is small enough to split a hair.
Without control… therein lies the risk of carefree and careless becoming the same thing.
All those years ago, he made a vow to maintain constant, relentless control of himself. To perfect the discipline of control down to every fiber of his being.
To never slip again. To never lose himself again.
Rin.
Anywhere but here.
Inori sees him retreat into his head. The painful self-awareness she witnessed way back when coming through in the here and now. His careful confidence falters. She glimpses the man behind the title, taking in his dark grey eyes and their deep contrast to his white attire.
She is too perceptive. Her eyes are too intense. It's as if she is looking over his shoulder while he calculates every word and move needed for self-preservation. He has to stop. She will make him stop.
Make conversation:
"Sure they can feel the same… but which one takes precedence right here, right now though?" Inori ushers him back into the present. Back to the two of them.
She is asking him to deliver, isn't she?
He remains silent for a moment, his mind working through the implications of her question. He must consider what comes next. Beyond the right here, right now. The consecutive blocks of time after, getting closer to her.
It will only dredge up the past. Pull it up to the surface in plain view for her to see.
How could he ever tell her about his greatest failing? The great shame of his life…
Anywhere but here.
"You're asking me to choose." His words even and measured. The words seeking clarification solely for himself. "Between being carefree and being careful. Between letting go and holding back."
Kakashi steadfastly holds onto a casual demeanor, placing a hand over his proper drink and swirling the cocktail in his glass. Watching the amber liquid move in a slow arc while her eyes are trained on him. Watching him closely.
She nods to feign that she's following along. The pensive words shouldn't surprise her. His mind is always sharply at work. And somewhere else.
The champagne flute dangles in her hand. The spirited energy has deflated in the face of his discomfort. A thread was pulled, forcing a sort of unraveling that he is now meeting with defensiveness.
She is dumbfounded, trying to hold his honest attention. "Right now, of all times... I would hate to think that this would be something you'd have to actively choose."
What isn't carefree about being reckless, impulsive, and daring with her? The stakes are too low for this affair to be careless by any stretch of the imagination.
Clearly this isn't about her.
She continues, frustrated: "I feel like we're not talking about the same thing."
As much as she likes the careful man with his careful words… she wants to feel, to touch, to taste the man thrumming underneath it all. To connect deeper with that particular man.
Not this one.
Inori feels herself left here wanting. Wanting more. Wanting to shake him by the shoulders with all her might. To make him want more as much as she does.
His reaches out, lightly touching her wrist. Trying to reassure her. "No, we're talking about the same thing..." Not true. The words are more for himself than for her: "It's about the need to let go."
A guilt runs through him about what's being left unsaid. He is stonewalling in a manner perfected over decades. The protective measure against feeling more than he deems safe in the here and now.
A nervous lump grows in her throat as she watches him quietly spiral. It is in this moment that she realizes just how buried underneath it all he is.
Kakashi's fingers start to encircle her wrist -his skin on hers- but other than this point of contact, where is the person in front of her? She can't even see him. She has never so viscerally wanted to strip someone naked. Just to burn his clothing to ash.
The white robes. The white sash. The black mask. The bindings, the wrappings. The swirling symbols of the Uzumaki clan and the Leaf village. All that marks and claims him. All of it.
He is somewhere underneath it all. These things that define him, are inextricably tied to him but not him at all. But what the hell even is?
Clearly she doesn't know.
Her gaze runs over him, the intensity as tangible as touch. She is laying bare her raw desire to get to the core of who he is.
He finds himself wanting the same thing.
But a heavy hand lands on his shoulder and breaks his attention. It pulls him away from her and out of the moment.
His eyes shift between her and the hulking jonin with a cheery smile. Clearly paying respects as opposed to bringing bad news or remarking on the depressing state of the world. Thankfully.
Inori takes the opportunity to step down from her seat. To protect her heart from sinking any further in front of him.
"I needed to get some air anyways."
Glass still in hand, she scurries out a side door.