"Let me make one thing clear," Maria said, once she had been forced to sit on the sofa opposite the Third Prince. "I am not taking sides in this ridiculous scenario. My 'romantic' advice will be general and applicable by anyone who can hear it. I repeat, I am not taking sides. Personally, I think you all have bad taste and can all do better."
Sophia sniffed. "Who, exactly, would be better? Rafael?"
"Touch him and they will never find your body," Maria said coldly. "He's mine." She paused, then added conscientiously, "Unless he wished to make an arrangement to take you as his mistress. I am willing to abide by his desires."
They all stared at her, even Prince Ian and Lady Selena, who'd been on their way out the door once the older prince had ascertained that Prince Alan was handling things.
"Sooo many things to say to that," Prince Alan muttered. "Does Rafael know about this?"
"I will inform him as soon as his eye starts to wander looking for a mistress," Maria said. "No need to get him started early. While he hasn't tired of me yet, I want to enjoy his attention."
They all stared at her again. Selena exchanged glances with Sophia and mouthed something, to which Sophia nodded. Then the royal couple were out the door, off to do paperwork together…
Maria tried to contain her romantic envy.
"Two of them," Lord Ascart said enigmatically. For some reason, everyone nodded at that. Two of what? Two of what?
The Third Prince looked at his younger brother. "This is your expert?" His tone made his opinion perfectly clear.
"She's still living with her fiancé," Prince Alan repeated, making his twin grunt.
The Third Prince scowled. "Do they have to be here?" he said, glancing at Sophia and Lady Hunt.
"If I don't find out what this is about, I'm telling everyone you've gone insane," Lady Hunt said with easy blackmail. "Everyone who hears you didn't go visit Lady Katarina when you had the chance will believe me."
"I'm… worried about you. I just want to know you're all right," Lord Ascart said with quiet sincerity. "You're my best friend."
"I want to hear whatever dirt you're going to confess," Sophia said shamelessly.
"I advise all of you or none of you," Maria said. "I will be informing Lord Keith as to today's events to ensure I am not accused of partisanship in this nonsense." Really, she shouldn't be encouraging these pedophiles-in-spirit. She resolved to make her advice as unhelpful as possible. She wasn't going to let her child-like half-sister be seduced by these perverts with her advice!
"So, yeah, they have to be here," Prince Alan summarized.
"So," Maria said, deciding to walk through the fog wall, "on what matter do you require my advice, your highness?"
The Third Prince scowled like he'd just bitten a lemon, and gave his brother one last look, who glared right back. Finally, he sighed. "I… need advice as to how to get Duchess Claes to… to…" He hesitated, looked between Sophia, Lady Hunt and Lord Ascart, then plunged into the fog wall himself. "To accept my apology."
Maria raised an eyebrow. "Your apology about what?"
"About… my presumption…" he said, sounding like the words were being ripped out of him like a weapon that had just been used to backstab, "that I could marry her daughter without her permission."
Maria frowned. "How is this a romance problem?"
"Because until she starts forgiving him, she's unlikely to ever give him permission to marry Katarina," Prince Alan said.
"Alan!"
"What? You weren't getting around to saying it."
There was dead silence as the four non-Stuarts stared at the Third Prince.
"It's a brand new day," Sophia breathed, sounding almost like she was about to burst into song, "and the sun is high, all the birds are singing–!"
Lord Ascart reached over and gently put a hand over his sister's mouth.
"Oh my," Lady Hunt said with a smile so wide it threatened to tear hear cheeks and cut her head in half, "I think I'm dreaming. But I'm awake, so it can't be a dream. Does this mean that…?"
Prince Alan reached over and tiredly put a hand on his fiancée's mouth. She glared at him, but he just shook his head tiredly.
"Not the time, Mary," he said sternly. "Please?"
The Third Prince would have glared, or threatened, or made threatening insinuations, and Lady Hunt would have thrown them right back in his face. However, she could not resist the one thing he would not have used and his brother just did: asking nicely.
Lady Hunt's eyes scowled, but when Prince Alan took away his hand, her mouth was pursed in silence. Gleeful, vindictive, malicious silence, but silence nonetheless.
"Did you tell her that you were not the one to start those rumors and that you have no connection to those who did?" Maria said.
Why was everyone looking at her again?
"I know you started them, but perhaps she didn't, and you could use that as an excuse," Maria said.
"No, she was too smart for that," Prince Alan said.
Maria nodded. "I see," Maria said. "And why does his highness need my advice on this? Surely he already has the experience and resources to blackmail, threaten or destroy Duchess Claes?"
"We're trying not to do that, as utterly destroying her mother might make Katarina cry, and anyway, it's a bad idea to do that to your potential mother-in-law," Prince Alan said. "Also, it would plunge the country into civil war."
"Is it?" Maria said. "Rafael loved it when I– " she coughed, "– with your assistance, utterly destroyed the odious woman who claimed to be his mother."
"Why are we asking her for advice again?" the Third Prince said.
"Still more experience than any of us," Prince Alan said.
"I agree with him," Maria said, pointing at the Third Prince. "My experience is useless, please let me go so I can do my taxes."
"You're having trouble with your taxes? You? The dark and terrible knight of paperwork?" Prince Alan said.
"I'm trying to get the women who I can't legally declare my wards because they're too old listed as dependents, as they are not independent from me," Maria said.
"Have you considered putting them down as concubines?" the Third Prince said. "It was just about the only thing my grandfather contributed to the tax code…"
Maria's face fell into her hands in despair.
"You don't actually need to sleep with them, just put them down on your taxes as such," the Third Prince said, and he actually sounded like he was trying to be helpful. "The definition of concubine for tax purposes is really lax, it's just that most people don't do it because it's basically giving your spouse a means of divorcing you. Not to mention it's a basically declaring you have concubines to the world."
Maria sighed deeply. Then she reluctantly straightened up. "I… really don't see how is a romance problem you need my so-called expertise on," she said. "The Duchess Claes is a noble whose honor and authority you besmirched and challenged, who is simply too polite to call you on it in public, but has clearly made her displeasure known. As you cannot discredit her, audit her for unpaid taxes, bring up hidden crimes and scandal, or discreetly exile her to the edge of the country without causing civil war with the Duchies of Morpork and possibly Hasard going into open rebellion, the best you can do is offer an apology and hope she gives you opportunity to earn her forgiveness."
"That's awfully specific advice," Sophia accused.
Maria shrugged. "It wasn't a romantic problem, it was a political one. My non-involvement you Katarina-related silliness stands… your highness, you are you holding your head in your hands?"
"It's the same advice," the Third Prince sighed.
Though he didn't look up, or make any other move, Prince Alan seemed to know his brother was speaking to him. "Well, think of it this way," he said. "You got a second opinion, and it's telling you the same thing I was: apologize."
"I'd have apologized by now if you'd just let me send any of those hundreds of drafts," the blond snapped.
"Because every single one of those letters sounded arrogant," Prince Alan said. "If you think any of those letters would actually be accepted, go right ahead and send them, see what happens."
"Perhaps you've gone insane after all," Maria mused. "None of this explains why you haven't been to see my squire. If anything, you–" Maria realized what she'd been about to say and stopped.
"If anything, what?" Lady Hunt asked suspiciously. Despite her tone, she still had a wide, happy smile on her face.
"I refuse to speak," Maria said. If anything, you should be taking this opportunity to convince her to elope or rape her to force a marriage. "I refuse to be a participant in this nonsense. Come up with your own bad ideas." She shook her head. "Still, sane or not, you should visit. Katarina would probably like to see you."
The Third Prince's head jerked up hopefully. "Really?"
"Probably, I said," Maria stressed. "My squire would be happy to see anyone. She'd welcome–" she cast her mind for the most unlikely person she could think of, "– the Dark Magic-user Sora as a visitor, and I doubt they've spoken since the day she was kidnapped, if he even remembers her."
"I've been telling him that, but he hasn't been listening," Prince Alan said, exasperated.
"Why didn't he go?" Sophia asked. "I mean, I'd have thought that getting banned from marrying Katarina–" her sentence was interrupted as she started cackling, before suddenly coughing and visibly forcing herself to continue despite the big smile on her face, "– ahem, would have made him more clingy and possessive and flaunting the fact he's engaged to her."
The Third Prince glared at her.
"Oh, stop making faces at me, you know it's true," Sophia said, crossing her arms.
"I have my pride," he said loftily.
"Oh, so your pride is more important than Katarina?" Sophia challenged.
The Third Prince reeled back as if he'd been struck by an unarmed attack.
"Are you all right, your highness?" Maria asked, looking about and examining the floor for footprints of invisible attackers.
"I'm… fine…" the Third Prince said. He took a deep breath and glanced at his brother for some reason. Prince Alan, for reasons unknown, wore a very self-satisfied look. "Just… am I really that prideful?"
"Yes," Maria said instantly.
"Definitely," Sophia agreed.
"Your head is the biggest part of you," Prince Alan nodded.
"Yes," Lord Ascart said plainly.
"I'm surprised your head can fit through doors," Lady Hunt said.
He frowned. "You know, for people who think I'm prideful, you're all very free with insulting me. What if I take offense?"
"You asked," Maria said. "You're prideful, not idiotic." Lord Ascart nodded in agreement.
"Come at me if you dare," Lady Hunt said suicidally.
"Please don't," Prince Alan sighed.
For a long moment, the Third Prince stared at nothing. Then he closed his eyes and nodded. "Thank you," he said. "I needed to hear that. Lady Campbell, may I visit your estate tomorrow?"
"You probably should," Maria said. "It's my squire's last free day before we return to training."
"I'll be there," he said. "And… thank you for coming to see if I was all right. All of you."
"Eh, we got more out of this than you did," Sophia said, then cackled a little. She was even rubbing her hands gleefully. Lady Hunt had never stopped smiling. It was honestly very disturbing.
"It's not like we did it for you or anything," Lady Hunt said. "It was all for Lady Katarina. She'd probably upset if it turned out you'd been hit by dark Magic or gone insane or whatever reason you hadn't shown up was, hmph!"
"What she said, but without the weird sounds," Sophia agreed.
Eventually, they left escorted by Alan, since they didn't have a butler accompanying them.
For a long moment, he stared at the paper before him.
My pride, he reminded himself, is not more important than Katarina.
And he began to pen a letter of apology…
Eventually, the letter was sent.