Doubts like these would follow me around for most of my life. They had begun when I was young and discovered that there was more to life than just working on a farm and living hand to mouth. They continued to plague me when I spent a large part of my teenage years chasing after Genesis and Sephiroth, never quite catching up, but never falling so far behind that I could have easily made up my mind to change the track of my life. I knew that Genesis wanted me by his side, and that was enough for me to go on and do my best, initially. Eventually, though, as we got deeper and deeper involved in the war with Wutai, I began to question the purpose of this senseless slaughter. Not openly, of course, in fear of repercussions. But again, I could not quite make up my mind to resign from SOLDIER and leave my friends by themselves. Or so I told myself, because I thought Genesis and Sephiroth would never get along if I was not there and would only fight, but in reality, I was perhaps afraid that I would be the one who would end up alone and lonely if I left.
It was after one of those missions that consisted of us three class 1st SOLDIERs driving the tide of the war out of a stalemate in three different places at once. Miss Scarlet's new war machines and the Shinra army alone were not enough to breach the lines of heavily armed and trained Wutaian soldiers, reinforced by whatever new mutant monsters they had bred. We were taken to our destinations, carried out our battle operations, all three of which succeeded to varying degrees, and neither of us was seriously injured. We had not been told what the greater picture was, or what would transpire at these sites after we completed our objectives and withdrew. But we did not need to be told either, because, deep down, perhaps we knew, or had a pretty good idea, and did not dare to ask in fear of losing our sanity. We had our usual get-together on the next day, which, in certain ways, was our way to distract ourselves from what we had done and enabled us to pretend that there was nothing wrong, and that we were just living normal lives. We met in the training hall after curfew, after most of our junior comrades who were not out on deployment had retired. Genesis and I usually paired up against Sephiroth to even the odds. Although even the two of us hardly ever managed to put him into a tight spot, this was the way all of us would get the most out of our training, or at least, get some entertainment out of it.
It had been four days since that Tuesday night, when Genesis had retired early for the night and left me alone with Sephiroth, and he was still irritated about my inability to take a step that he thought of as simple. I had tried, and failed, to ignore the passively aggressive comments he had made via text during the time we were separated during our mission, but eventually, our conversation had died down and not resumed. We were technically fighting on the same team, but on this particular day, we were so out of tune that Sephiroth noticed that something was wrong almost immediately. I knew he was going easy on me, but I still felt his concerned looks whenever one of his blows knocked me back. Genesis was doing no better. Eventually, Sephiroth's strike threw me back so hard that my back slammed into a wall and the side of my own sword hit me square in the face. I could feel something wet running down my face and assumed it was blood, but that did not stop me. I never wanted to give up, or time out during training during this time of my life, because I felt like I had to go beyond my limits just to keep up with my two friends. I pushed myself off the wall, dashed to Genesis' side, my sword raised toward Sephiroth in an offensive stance, which he reciprocated by raising his own, with a serious look on his face instead of the usual smirk he always gave us when he was dominating the field.
We stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, but before any blows were exchanged, Genesis took a step back. Unable to follow his movement with my eyes that were still on my opponent, I felt Genesis' boot in the small of my back, and before I even knew what was happening, I lost my balance and saw the tip of Sephiroth's coming toward me in slow motion. Fortunately for me, Sephiroth turned his sword aside just in time, and I made a closer than ever acquaintance with his chest, rather than with the tip of his blade. It was not as pleasant as one would think, because Genesis had kicked me very, very hard and, taken completely by surprise, I crashed into Sephiroth with full force, my forehead hit his collarbone and my nose, that was already hurting was squashed yet again, this time against his chestbone. I did not fall, though, because he caught me by my elbow and held me steady until I regained my balance. When I looked up at his face, he looked down at me just as shocked as I was, even more so, once our eyes met and I became aware that we were, technically, in each other's arms.
Startled by the sudden sound of Genesis' sword sliding back into its scabbard, both of our eyes turned toward Genesis, who had turned around and walked toward the door. "I think you two have something to discuss", he said, stepped out, and was gone. Part of me was hoping he would come back, but when the door closed behind him and our eyes met again, I believe that I blushed so deeply that no amount of coolness would get me out of this situation. Much to my surprise, Sephiroth's reaction after a few seconds merely consisted of letting go of my elbows, allowing me to take a step away from him. He did not look at me again when he turned away to pick up his own sword sheath and slid his sword into it. I swung my own sword over my back and attached it to the halter while pressing my lips together and trying not to cry over his nonexistent response. Although I had no idea how I would have reacted, or what kind of response I even expected from him, I still felt let down by his apparent disinterest.
"You coming?" I jumped a little when his soft voice interrupted my spiraling thoughts. "Didn't you have something you wanted to talk about?", he added when I gave no immediate response. I wiped my nose again and blinked forcefully, just to make sure that there really were no tears in my eyes, before I turned around and stiffly walked toward him. Standing by the open door, he looked at me for just a moment before he turned around and walked on ahead of me.
Without looking at me or saying anything else, he led me to his apartment while I stared at his wide back, small waist, and the beautiful movement of his hips when he walked. Inside, he walked all the way to the back of his living room, where he placed his sword on the sword stand and remained there, his back turned toward me, while I stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, clenching my fists, my thoughts racing in circles that spiraled larger and larger with every passing moment. After what felt like another eternity, he turned around slowly. One of the interesting things about Sephiroth was that his gestures were, at times, so tiny that they could easily be missed. That is, most gestures that were not outright hostility. It was one of those things that contributed heavily to his reputation of being cold and distant. It was because people simply missed his positive cues, and I had almost made the same mistake as his critics. Of course, I was so well-acquainted with him at the time that I understood once he showed me the palm of his left hand. He appeared to have taken off his gloves, while I was mentally preoccupied with trying to come up with something funny or interesting to play down the situation, which usually came easily to me, but not today.
When he offered me his open hand, my heart almost jumped out of my chest. I never wanted to talk to him about my feelings before, because I thought he would hate me for sure. I knew it was not "normal" for a man to be in love with another man, even more so when they were already friends. And just as much as I knew that most men were grossed out by the idea that another man may be interested in them in that way, I realized how blessed I was when Genesis as my best friend tried to support me instead of judging me (even though I did not agree with the way he tried to go about it). I thought that I had kept my feelings well-hidden, but in the end, Sephiroth, who was more perceptive than the average person, had not only realized as well, but he also did not hate me for it. I took a small step forward and reached for his outstretched hand, and before I knew it, I was holding it, looking up at him, who was almost a whole head taller than me, and his beautiful green eyes that I loved so much were locked with my own.
All of a sudden, I had no more doubts, closed my eyes and moved closer in the hope to kiss him, but just before our lips could touch, I felt his hands move to my shoulders and keep me at a distance. Thinking I had made a mistake, my eyes flew open to find him giving me one of his rare smiles. "Your face is all bloody", he whispered as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a tissue. The blood was not the only reason my face was crimson red at this point because he, who always avoided physical contact, began to wipe my nose with the tissue, which accomplished absolutely nothing because the blood had already dried. "Sorry", I apologized, taking the tissue from his hand, lowered my head in embarrassment, and tried to turn away. He wrapped his arms around me gently and pulled me to his chest. As embarrassed as I was, I could not help but notice how good he smelled despite, or perhaps because of how sweaty he was. He rested his chin on the crown of my head for a moment, while I struggled to free my arms to return the embrace. The intimacy made me a little uncomfortable, not because I did not want it, but perhaps because I liked this feeling a little too much and was worried he might notice.
"Why don't you go wash your face?", he suggested and loosened his grip. I inhaled his scent one last time and finally let go of him. Of course, he did not need to show me to the bathroom, because I had been here many times. Just one look at the mirror told me that my face really was in a truly ugly shape. The lower half was smeared and crusted with blood from my nose, and I had a large bruise on my cheek. My nose was not broken, and I knew it would be okay the day after, no matter how beaten up I looked right now, but this was still the worst possible moment for me to look like hot garbage. I gave my face a good rinse and made sure to also wash my arms, where I had wiped my nose before.
While I was returning myself into as presentable a state as I could, a crashing noise from the living room startled me. I hurried up to finish, and when I left the bathroom, I found Sephiroth, who had changed out of his black coat into a simple white t-shirt, standing by the small kitchen counter, picking up shards from the sink. "Did you break something?", I asked, just to alert him to my presence. His glance barely brushed me when he looked up and threw the shards into the trashcan. "My hand slipped." When he picked up the kettle to pour boiling water into the teapot sitting on the counter, his hand was visibly shaking. He still managed not to spill anything and put it back down. I suppose neither he nor I had any idea how to get back to where we left off after that awkward interruption, but I wanted to let go of the doubt and hesitation, and so, I reached over and took his hand again. Even when he finally looked at me, I could only enjoy the view of his bright green eyes for a brief moment. Still, the feeling of his warm, soft lips on mine was compensation enough for me.