Chapter 33

I Still Believe

Sean decided to invite Emma and Jay to dinner at The Dot, where he'd go on to tell them of his great news and future plans.

Jay instantly exclaimed, "Dude, that's awesome! When do you leave?"

When it came to Emma, it showed on the expression on her face. Her face fell at the news, it wasn't like they were going out but she had no idea how badly he must want out, and felt partially responsible. She also just plain didn't want him to leave.

She didn't say anything, but all in all, she was sad to hear this. Not selfish or to attract attention, she excused herself to the ladies room. Sean could tell she wasn't happy to hear his news, she hadn't said a word. Jay was focused on Sean's news, shocked and surprised, but happy for him. It hadn't dawned on him that Emma wouldn't share the same sentiment, or feel this upset by it.

"Soon, a few weeks? They're paying for me to relocate."

"So stoked for you, dude."

"You might want to check on Emma." Sean shared softly after Jay excitedly told him how excited he was for his friend.

He looked and she was gone from her seat, and he looked around and saw her heading away from the table, and then asked, "What do you mean? She had to use the washroom."

Concerned, and not jumping to any conclusions, he asked discreetly and quietly, "You guys, okay?"

Jay almost agrees that yes, of course, but instead he was more honest about the situation, "We kind of had a fight, or something, I don't know what to call it, after the party."

"When you hit Peter, I figured." Sean reminded Jay, not that he needed to be reminded, but facts are facts and Emma is not one for violence. Sean learned that lesson himself a long time ago.

Another lesson he learned is sometimes things don't work out the way he may have wanted them to, for example that he and Emma are the past. He may still be friends with her, but it nearly killed him to step aside, especially when she had held feelings for him for so long, and the timing was poor. Had things worked out, perhaps he wouldn't consider the job, but a part of him needs something to get some type of career started. He hadn't really thought of it at all, college, mostly that it was an unattainable goal due to finances or lack thereof. Perhaps university could be in his future, but this hands on opportunity could mean he'll have the means to eventually go, the option still counts for something. He'd be stupid to reject them, even if it'll hurt his friends, they'll get over it, they did before when he left, what makes this time so different? It's not like it's a goodbye forever, it's simply a see you later.

"Yeah," he answered in a stammer, thinking how it bothers him more than he let on, "I don't know what's going on, it's complicated." He did something he almost never does. He held his face in his hands and sighed, shaking his head, "I don't know why all of a sudden, does she want to dump me?" He then reemerged from behind his hands and was silently waiting for Sean to say something, anything.

"Man, I guess to help I got to know what's up with her. Do you mind if I talk to her?"

"She's in the washroom, no boys allowed." Jay shrugged, "I mean, I don't know, I'm not like dumb, you know her better than I do, plus you two have a history and she might feel blindsided that you're leaving again."

"I don't want to believe it or think so too,at least this time I let you guys know I'm leaving. I won't just leave and not come back for a year like last time, besides the circumstances were shitty last time. I should've been there and I wasn't. Let me be there for her for this."

"Do what you have to do, man."

Sean peered around to make sure there weren't any women around and knocked on the wooden door of the ladies room, "Emma, it's Sean."

She replied, "I don't want to talk to you right now."

"Well, you've been in there awhile just wondering if you're okay."

"I'm fine." She sniffled from inside the stall.

"Do you think I was born yesterday?" Sean asked, "I don't believe that."

"You don't think I'll manage?" She asked, furious at him.

"Of course you will. I mean right now you seem upset. I just don't understand why you're in here and not with us. What's going on?"

Emma opened the door and they sat in the hall by the bathrooms on a bench where there was once a telephone, "I don't want to have to say goodbye all over again."

"It's not like I'm gone forever. I don't even know if I'm gonna like this shift in career, you moved on, and it's time I do too."

Emma sighed, "I get it, I get why you have to go, I just wish you didn't have to."

"Em you'll get over it, like you did before." Sean replied.

"You kind of left me without a choice last time, and that time I understood, I still cared for you, just like now, I don't think you ever get over your first love." She gasped, "Don't listen to that. It's stupid I don't know what's wrong with me. Sue me, I'm sentimental."

"You're implying I was your first love?" Sean softly asked, honored, touched.

"Embarrassingly so. Was, and yes, you are. I trust you with my life, because you saved it." Emma confessed, "I know things are different, but I was getting used to you being back in our lives."

"If that's the case, then, you'll always be a part of my life no matter what we do, where we go. Whatever it was, think of the good times. We may be linked to a tragedy, don't let my going away destroy what friendship we have left." Sean beamed softly in a comforting friendly way, "I guess I hadn't thought about first loves, you're my first love too, next to cars, then I guess bikes after that, of course."

"Of course." She replied humored. "I guess I was just thinking how fast Jay and I progressed and having doubts that I made the right decision to jump from friendship to more than that."

"Well you love him."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Do you?"

"Of course, I mean I'm pretty sure." She furrowed her brow a little angry, "why would you ask me that?"

"Em, do you trust me?"

"Yes."

"Em, I know this guy pretty well and all I can say is, don't punish him, he's so in love with you, and time doesn't matter, he was there for you. He tried to do the impossible, he hates seeing you hurt. It all should count for something. You went from practically mortal enemies to friends, to a stable romantic relationship that rivals whatever we had. We were just kids. I shouldn't have acted the way I did towards you. It really wasn't fair to you. I was jealous before, when I first came back. So forget whatever I said about Jay then."

Emma listened to Sean and thought back to her and Jay's relationship, even the parts that weren't all that pretty, and still she felt strongly positive feelings regarding it. She thought back to her first impressions of him, and it couldn't be more different than how he actually was. She thought back to how it began, and how they reacquainted over the summer. She never saw it coming, and she had trust issues, negative thoughts about him, even rebuffed his advances for awhile before finally throwing caution to the wind, arguably the best decision she'd made because overall she's happy but the only doubt she had was that he would continue to be the guy she met who tore down the blockades that hold her heart.

For years she longed for that kind of romance she'd see in books and media. She thought Sean was that guy she saw a future with, but she too, like him, put him up high in a tower of excellence when in actuality she feels more safe with Sean and not in a romantic sense. In reality they'd been apart for longer than they were romantically intertwined. Deeply, she thought that maybe letting go of Sean once and for all, might be the only way that Jay and Emma could survive the future as a couple. True love is different because there's a risk you take, despite pitfalls, despite bad times, you just keep loving.

"What do you say we get back to the table? I bet the food is out." He helped her up and they returned back to the table.

In the car on the way back, there was silence, this time comfortable. Emma was holding Jay's hand as they listened to their oldies. "I guess I'm ready to have that conversation."

Great, he lamented in his head, this is it. She's finally realized I was in a list of missteps and mistakes and I should just bow out before any of us get hurt.

Instead she confessed, "I used to really, really, dislike you, you know?"

He muttered matter of factly, hiding his hurt but admitting he hadn't been the nicest to her at first, "Comes with the territory."

"I will never say hate, because that's too strong, and wildly inaccurate, but I really didn't like you, at all."

He flatly stated, "Noted."

"Like I thought you could never love another, I thought you could never help someone unless it was for your own benefit, but Jay, time and time again you've proven me wrong. I stand corrected, because I don't hate you at all, the opposite of hate isn't love but indifference, but I believe it's love. For the longest time I thought it had to be like the movies and if it wasn't like the movies I didn't want it. It was like black and white, like we never and likely will never go to the prom, but that doesn't make it invalid like I thought and that's okay, in fact better than okay."

"So you're reminding me of the shitty side of me?"

She turned to face him, "No, see, I was wrong. I hate admitting how wrong I am, but this time? I'm happy to be proven wrong." Finally he understood what she was getting at, she went on to say, "Never in the time we were together over the summer had you been violent, or anything like that, so you kind of surprised me at Peter's."

"What about tonight? What got you upset? Did I do something wrong?"

Emma shrugged her shoulders, "I don't know what came over me. I guess I was kind of getting used to him, Sean, being around again, us being friends, something we never were until this year, and it's bringing up the same kind of feelings when he left before. Only not the kind of feelings I used to have. Besides, I've made my decisions, I just hope he's made the right decision by leaving high school early and, I guess I have to stop being so involved in other's affairs I guess. I don't know."

He believed her, but felt she was omitting some of the truth, he didn't want to argue so he just asked for his own peace of mind, softly, vulnerably even, "Are we gonna be okay?"

She reached for his hand, and squeezed somewhat tightly, with complete confidence, she beamed, "Something tells me that we will be."

"No, I mean right now, we're okay?"

"We're fine, we're better than fine. We're good. Don't worry."

With Emma and Sean given their history, no matter what he's always going to worry about them.

Sometimes he wonders if Sean or Emma really were still in love, he trusted her but since going above and beyond friendship and into a romance where there's a lot on the line and feelings involved, he can't help but worry when is the other shoe going to drop? He tries not to cast a shade of doubt regarding he and Emma's relationship.

The countless what if's, fears, vulnerability and loyalty questioning because of the past. He desperately didn't want to be a footnote, but he'd still go down with the ship even if loving her was wrong. Jay loved her wholeheartedly, almost lost her before, and desperately wants her to be with him, sometimes he's unsure if she wishes things were different, but she says they're okay so he's going to believe it, with all of his heart he hopes it's true.