ONE - the game
The year you spend as a surgical intern is arguably the most important. It's what makes or breaks a doctor and what separates the strong from the weak. It's almost like a game. There are rules and judges, setbacks and victories, challenges, and trials and not everyone makes it out alive.
My mother taught me how to play the game and she taught me well. I was barely out of the womb before the scalpel was back in her hand. I saw the inside of an OR before I saw the inside of a school and I sat in the Gallery watching surgeries the way my peer's watched cartoons.
I couldn't be anything other than a surgeon if I tried.
She raised me to be extraordinary, but all I ever seem to do is fall short.
Meredith Grey didn't quite know how she had gotten herself into this position. She should be out chasing surgeries or trolling the pit waiting for a terrible trauma case. It's what Meredith knows any self-respecting intern at the best teaching hospital in Seattle should be doing. But she isn't instead she finds herself battling wave after wave of dizziness in an empty on-call room shivering despite the blanket she'd wrapped around herself to try and combat the ice pumping through her veins. You can only deprive an engine of fuel for so long until you're running on empty and that's certainly what Meredith was doing. Running on empty. She had been for days now, and she had felt better for a while, lighter, sharper, almost giddy but she had just got out of a six-hour surgery and without the steady supply of OR adrenaline she was crashing hard. Her muscles were cramping, and the bright surgical lights had given her one hell of a headache to top it all off.
Meredith had always been thin but her recent habit of skipping breakfast, lunch and dinner had left her a shell of the woman she had been at the beginning of her internship. Logically she knew that all she would have to do was eat something, but the idea made her cringe. It felt like giving in. Meredith was smart. She had graduated top of her class; she was a doctor for God's sake, but she had just googled how many calories were in a Tylenol. She didn't feel smart right now, she just felt desperate. She let her eyes slide out of focus and her mind go blank as she stared numbly at the adjacent wall. A brief reprieve from the hurricane of thoughts that usually flew around the young blonde's brain.
The reverie was short-lived as the on-call room door opened and Addison Montgomery-Shepherd walked in.
Meredith adopted the 'if you don't move, they can't see you' tactic and the attending didn't seem to notice her at first. She was so tightly wrapped up that she could've been a pile of blankets for all Addison knew. It wasn't until she had flopped down on the bed next to her and the pile of blankets had actually moved that she noticed her at all.
"Jesus Christ, Grey! You almost gave me a heart attack," said Addison who leapt up from the bed with the outrage of someone who had just sat on a bed of hot coals.
Meredith let out a light chuckle and began pulling the blanketed layers off herself shivering involuntarily as the cool hospital air enveloped her body instead of the welcome warmth she had spent so long generating. She longed to stay wrapped up for just a little while longer but didn't relish the idea of snuggling up in the same on-call room as her ex-husbands wife like this was some kind of twisted slumber party.
"Sorry, I should be leaving anyway." Meredith announced as she fought her way pathetically out of her blanket fortress.
"Give me a second and I'll get out of your hair."
Addison studied the young woman for a minute. Her features were pallid and drawn and there were dark circles under her usually bright eyes that Addison hadn't noticed before. For the first time since the two had met Addison's usual feeling of contempt for the girl was replaced with worry.
"Stay, you look like you're about to drop. I can find another on-call room," she insisted but the words were barely out of her mouth before Meredith was reaching for the door handle.
"Honestly, it's fine. Bailey is probably looking for me anyway. I should get back out there," she mumbled.
Despite her concerns Addison almost let her go. There was enough tension between the two of them and she didn't want to rock the boat any further but as she noticed the blonde begin to sway, she changed her mind.
"Meredith," Addison approached cautiously. Meredith doesn't seem to hear. The Attending scans her face and notes the tell-tale pallor creeping across her features and the way her eyes had begun to glaze over.
"Mer," the nickname rolled off her tongue with ease.
"Mer, I think you should sit down," she suggested guiding the intern away from the door and back to the bed.
The blonde's legs reluctantly obey but she stumbles and almost falls as the familiar black spots start to invade her vision. She mumbles to Addison an incoherent string of insistences that she's fine but allows the red head to lower her to the bed regardless.
Even while sitting Meredith still sways alarmingly and a thin sheen of sweat coats her skin despite all her shivering. Even though Addison didn't think it possible she looked even paler than before, and she immediately snaps back into doctor mode.
"Hey Meredith, honey? Sit tight for me for just a second. You look like hell and there's no way you can go back out there like this, I'm going to grab a wheelchair and we'll get you seen."
Meredith snapped out of it immediately. Or at least she tried to. She shot up from the bed pleading for Addison to leave it alone but half collapsed into her arms as the darkness threatened to take over once again. The panic was all that kept her from blacking out entirely, but she is too lightheaded to stand and gives her body weight over to Addison who once again guides her onto the lumpy bed, this time into a lying position.
Addison, though startled by the panic in the younger girl's voice and her obvious physical distress, relents with her doctoring for the moment at least. She settles with elevating the young girl's legs and attempts to take her pulse before Meredith swats her away.
She's stubborn. Addie adds that to her list of things to remember about her husband's mistress. Being a stubborn woman herself she knows that Meredith is bound to be a difficult patient.
"Mer, look I understand that you don't want to make a big deal out of this, but I am your attending, and I am worried about you. You need to let me check that you are fit to work before I allow you to leave this room, ok?" Addison expertly cautions.
"You aren't my Attending today. Dr Robbins is." Challenges Meredith.
Two can play at that game Grey.
"Ok, so should I page Robbins to come and examine you then?"
"NO"
Addison almost chuckles at Meredith's response. Arizona, though a wonderful surgeon and teacher, is far too peppy and soft spoken for the likes of Meredith Grey.
"That's what I thought, now will you shut up and let me check you over please?"
Nothing but radio silence from the tiny blonde who stared at her with blank scepticism. Addison changes tact, "I'll do it here, you won't even have to leave the room I promise."
More silence.
"Dr Grey."
It was a warning.
Meredith sighed and came out from hiding behind her arms to give the attending a sideways glance.
"Fine, as long as you're quick."
Meredith attempts to hoist herself up into a sitting position before Addison shoots her a look that told her she was probably safer lying down than facing the redhead's wrath.
She was defensive but cooperating at the very least and that's all Addison could hope for considering their strained relationship.
She weighed up her options. Meredith was a flight risk, and she didn't like the idea of losing her right now, not when the girl was in this state. She couldn't leave her, but she needed a blood pressure cuff and, judging by the blue-ish tinge to her hands, a pulse ox monitor too.
She discreetly paged a nurse to bring them to her urgently. She was pretty confident that Meredith wasn't going to drop dead in the next five minutes, but she wasn't going to put it past her to make a break for it.
"What's going on Mer?" she tested, hoping naively, for an honest answer.
"Nothing is going on, I stood up too fast and if you would just let me go, I could get back to work and leave you alone."
It was an appealing offer considering how exhausted Addison was after having spent her twenty-four-hour shift running after expecting mothers and tending to a multitude of trauma cases. For the second time she considered letting Meredith go and grabbed hold of one of her arms as she once again launched herself out of bed, but her mind was changed again when the intern jerked away from her touch with a wince.
Addison raised a questioning eyebrow that Meredith ignored and the two studied each other for a second in a silent battle.
Just as Meredith's gaze had begun to falter there was a knock at the door that startled the both. Addison pulled it open to grab the equipment she was expecting and shot an earnest 'thank you' to the nurse before locking the door, turning back to the woman in front of her.
Meredith shot her a look of dismay, "I'm sure I just have the flu or something. That's a little bit extreme, isn't it?"
"Is it?" Addison asked honestly, "because you look like hell Grey, and I won't have sick interns running amok in this hospital if I can help it. Sit back down."
"I'm fine," Meredith quipped back defiantly and looked as though she might add something else but as she tried to protest, she began to sway once again.
"Mer, you are in no state to work. You're worrying me and I know you don't want to hear that but if you would please just let me check you over you will be free to go," Addison pleaded with an authority and desperation that stopped Meredith in her tracks.
Her face was unreadable, but she nodded regardless and sat back down allowing Addison to get to work.
She began by listening to the intern's heart rate, then moved onto measuring her blood pressure and oxygen levels while making some worrying mental notes during which Meredith remained surprisingly still and silent.
She had a heart rate of 63 bpm, a pulse ox of 96.6 and a blood pressure of 91/64. Addison sighed; it was all low enough to be concerning but not yet low enough for her to take any real action. She didn't know how to make the girl stay but wasn't entirely sure how to keep her from going either. The only thing she was sure of was that something wasn't right with Meredith Grey.
She was debating her next move when the intern chimed in.
"What's the diagnosis doc?"
"Bad news I'm afraid Dr. Grey," she began solemnly "I am signing you off for the rest of your shift but you're going to live to work another day."
Meredith let out a choked laugh with an edge to it that bordered on hysterical. Addison was sure the intern was about to break down into tears but before she could say anything Meredith was back on her feet with a faraway determination on her face that did nothing to hide the fact that she was still pushing back the darkness that invaded her vision.
"I will, however, be checking in on you. Your vitals aren't what they should be for a healthy young woman such as yourself and as much as you want me to believe that this is an isolated incident, I have a nagging suspicion that it isn't," Addison prompted gauging the girl's reaction. Her expression was blank and guarded but there was a vulnerability to her that Addison recognized quickly as pure terror. What the girl was so frightened of she didn't know but the older woman felt compelled to protect her all the same.
"You're pale, always cold, you look like you're about to drop most of the time and though you have a very sharp mind your body betrays you by stumbling over the simplest of procedures. I know it's not nerves. Is there anything you would like to talk to me about Dr. Grey? No judgement or penalisation."
She placed a hand on each shoulder and gave her a reassuring squeeze that did nothing to ease her taut muscles.
"You are safe with me."
Meredith's eyes darted to hers and something flashed across her face that looked almost like desperation but in the blink of an eye it was gone.
"Thank you for your concern, Dr Montgomery but I can assure you that I am fine. You don't need to worry about me."
She was up and swaying once again but with much more control than before. Addison had seen corpses with better colour.
"I'm sure it's just the flu or something. I'll just go home, rest and rehydrate, then I'll be ready to go in the morning." Meredith insisted. She could tell by the girl's face that she had no intention of following through with that promise.
"You will be going home but I will be driving you. I'm not having one of my interns zombie walk themselves into traffic because they are too stubborn to admit they need a break,"
"Especially not an intern who fucked your husband right? That would be very suspicious."
Meredith bit back. She knew she was being cruel, but she was too tired to care at that moment. She wanted the attending to leave her alone, but Addison seemed to be only mildly amused at the young girl's juvenile attempt to rile her up.
"Are you trying to scare me away, Grey? Because it isn't working."
Meredith finally relented and let Addison drive her home but that was only after she was threatened with a week of scut.
They had spent most of the car journey in relative silence save for Meredith's occasional directions. Though it wasn't the most comfortable of journeys it wasn't half as awkward as she had anticipated it would be.
Meredith hadn't realised just how late it was until her and Addison were in the parking lot. Time moves differently inside the four walls of a hospital; reality is altered, and clocks don't seem to tick at the same speed. She suddenly felt very tired, but the constant firing of neurons would not allow her to relax. If she hadn't felt so wired the steady movement of the car might have lulled Meredith to sleep but Addison's presence was far too electrifying for that. There was something about the way the redhead's eyes shone in the evening light that made her heart flutter and not just from anxiety. She couldn't wait to get out of the car not only to be away from Addison's frequent concerned glances but from the bubbling feeling she felt inside her chest every time their eyes met.
As Meredith and Addison lay down to bed in their respective houses both were aware of a shift in their relationship. Things would not be the same after the day's interactions and both felt a sense of apprehension about what may lay ahead.