Chuck vs. The Courtyard Bench
Well, in the previous chapter: Chuck and Sarah meet up at Subway before she goes to her therapy session with Dr. Dreyfus. So many thoughts and emotions are being experienced sitting in a booth while waiting for her. Anxiety, fear, and nervousness were 3 of the main things he was dealing with. It all culminated with Chuck finally fessing up and just showing the file folder to her that Conway provided him. Much to Chuck's surprise, she was very understanding, but he let it slip that her mother, Emma knew before she did. It didn't go over well as she would immediately contact her mom. It would be a conversation with mother and daughter where Sarah would reveal to Emma that she's in love with Chuck. Her mother advises her to tell him but instead of doing that, she takes Chuck to where Jack has been living for months. Unfortunately, the find out he's not there after speaking with a nice cleaning lady named Gloria. Jack Burton is apparently gone. In the wind as it's been said. So what's in store for this chapter? When does Sarah reveal to Dr. Dreyfus that she and Chuck haven't done yet? How has her relationship with Chuck affected that it causes her to have the same dream? Where in the dream does Sarah find herself always heartbroken? Who is the dream really about it it's not about Chuck? Why does Sarah think she deserves an apology from Jack? What specific issue does Sarah realize she has after talking about abuse suffered from her father? When did Read and find out! Anyways, hope you enjoy the read and leave a comment to share your own thoughts on this particular chapters. As always, reviews are awesome.
Again, if you enjoyed reading my stories and left a comment I truly appreciate it. Please continue to do so as it gives me the incentive to write more chapters.
I don't own Chuck.
Fresh Feeling
XXX
"The relationship Chuck and I share is more mental and emotional. It hasn't involved...umm...we haven't..." Sarah pauses as she searches for another word that doesn't make her uncomfortable sharing it with Dr. Dreyfus.
"Sex?" Sarah ducks her head a bit somewhat embarrassed for actually bringing up the subject. This would lead to Dr. Dreyfus expressing a faint chuckle in response briefly lifting his right hand to wave it off. "It's okay. I've heard far more descriptive language in this office concerning sex." he added, giving a quick shrug of his shoulders. He suddenly falls silent as he intently stares at his patient, which she notices causing her to grow even more uncomfortable than she already is after bringing up the subject. Yet, he wouldn't be the experienced, and not to mention seasoned therapist, that he is if didn't ask the question. "By the way, have you two..."
Sarah's eyes significantly widen causing her to want to instinctively respond by going on the defensive. However, she stops herself from doing that knowing full well Dr. Dreyfus doesn't have any sort of perverse, sick and twisted mindset in wanting to have her share about her sex life, especially with Chuck no less. In her mind, even though she has only known him for 2 days, she truly believes that Dr. Leo Dreyfus is actually helping get through all her issues and actually doing a great job of it, she thinks to herself. After taking a deep breath to prepare herself and share some personally intimate information as it pertains to her relationship with a man who has changed her perspective on what it means to be truly loved.
"No." calmly answered Sarah. "We've both decided to hold off on that. We wanted to get to know more of each other and connect on a more personal, as well as deeply emotional level."
Dr. Dreyfus nods. "Hmmm. I see." After clicking his pen and jotting down his thoughts on the pad in his folder. he peers back up and continues on. "This mental and emotional connection you have with Chuck, has it affected you in any way other than what you think and how you feel about him?"
In response, Sarah quirks her right brow and furrows her eyebrows a bit towards the seasoned professional therapist sitting across from her. "What do you mean?"
It's a question that he asks in which he wants to gauge her response. In his mind, he wants to see if she has the willingness to open up emotionally and not instinctively protect herself by having her Wildcard Enforcer armor up. From his experience, he's sat in his chair far too many times across from individuals who instantly shut themselves down emotionally and/or mentally. Why? It's because tapping that vulnerable, as well as incredibly sensitive side of their heart, mind, and/or soul is considered to be something they're truly protective of. So protective, that he or she will actually lash out in order to completely avoid taking part of the exercise that's been assigned. Fortunately for him, he's had years of experience and has found other alternative ways for his patients who are so closed off internally that they'll find themselves opening up much to their surprise.
Of course, he's no Dr. Phil who he considers a close friend and trusted colleague. Although they differ in styles their coping techniques and alternatives in helping patients open up are closely similar, he thinks to himself. Essentially, he starts off with the mindset that every one of his patients possibly has trust issues, but it doesn't mean it's impossible for them to exchange open dialogue with him. What it comes down to is carefully observing and noticing any tells that allow him to help a patient who even though seems to be completely closed off, they're actually not.
One effective strategy he uses in helping to jumpstart the conversation in to eventually addressing the issues is writing things down. In his mind, he knows it's considerably difficult to open up with a therapist, so being able to write down things you want to address is most definitely a help tool to utilize. Writing down thoughts as they come to you like past memories or events that are deemed relevant, somehow aids in one's own quest to find an answer, he thinks to himself. For the most part, keeping a journal and document issues that potentially be are considered deep topics to discuss in not only helping a patient reflect during their session, but stay personally accountable in regards to their daily life.
To him, another strategy that's been deemed effective is being able to lead or guide the patient to their intended mental destination. It's the therapist's job as a well-trained mental guide to lead the conversation and make sure for an allowance of having helpful back and forth conversations. In a way, it's like going on your own personal Australian walkabout within your own head, and not to mention heart, that may take days, months, or even years even though you're not actually going anywhere. True, any therapist will say that they can't give all the answers you're looking for, but it's the patient that has to find it himself/herself hopefully with the skills and techniques provided for them. If not, then the patient hijacks, in a manner of speaking, the time and won't stop talking so much so the progress so far all ends up going back to square one.
Thinking about further, of all the effective strategies for a therapist to utilize the technique of just having small talk and taking things slow, instead of forcing it, absolutely works in more ways than one. Essentially, it's considerably easier to talk about topics that aren't necessarily about the specific topic. Therefore, it allows a therapist to get their patient into a more comfortably relaxed state of mind to the point where doing something such as sticking his grandson's toy DeLorean in between the cushions of the couch for Sarah to "accidentally" sit on. For him, it absolutely worked as the toy DeLorean was in all intents and purposes a stepping stone for Sarah to then zone in on the picture frame of his family thus establishing a sense of ease that seemingly has a more open feel to it than a closed off environment.
"What I mean is, have your thoughts and feelings manifested...let's say...in your dreams?"
A sense of amazed disbelief is expressed on Sarah's face after hearing that. "Yeah, it has. How?"
Dr. Dreyfus responds with a faint grin. Afterwards, he continues on. "Chuck could symbolize certain things like courage, fear, doubt, lack of self-worth, anxiety, the lack of control over yourself or a certain situation, anger, love that you have not expressed..."
It's the latter part of what Dr. Dreyfus said that he clearly notices a reaction from his patient. It's slightly subtle but it speaks volumes to him that he arches his right brow a bit towards his patient. "Have you told Chuck how you feel about him?" he asked, waiting for her response. There is a brief moment of silence on Sarah's part before she gives her response by simply shaking her head. This would lead to the professionally trained therapist to delve in as to why.
"Tell me..." he said, leaning forward a bit. "...how has not telling Chuck how you feel about him manifested in your dreams. It's clear he's had a tremendous effect on you judging by the way you've spoken about him in our first session." Dr. Dreyfus added, leaning comfortably back in his chair.
"He actually has." nodded Sarah.
"This dream of yours..." Dr. Dreyfus noted on. "...are they different or the same in nature?" he inquired, ready to jot down notes on his notepad.
A small but noticeable tight-lipped smile is expressed as she takes a moment to close her eyes as she deeply inhales then exhales. Afterwards, she opens her eyes then continues on. "It's pretty much the same dream with Chuck as I find myself dressed in a white top, red, polka dot white skirt, black shoes, and hair in pigtails. Both sides."
"It sounds like you're dressed in some type of work uniform." surmised the seasoned therapist. "Any significance to the attire you're wearing? Take your time and know I'm here to help guide you. Plus, if it helps close your eyes in order to try to remember the surroundings you're both in." he added, with helpful reassurance.
"Ok." she softly replaced. After taking a moment to get comfortable, she closes her eyes and then takes a deep breath. A few seconds later, she begins speaking. "The place I'm working at is sort of...actually...it is the Weinerlicious. It's near the Santa Monica Buy More in the area where Chuck's business is at."
"Good." nodded Dr. Dreyfus. "Have you been there before?"
"Lunch mostly." she shrugged half-heartedly. Her eyes still closed as her therapist continues on.
"Let's focus on that. Why in your dream are you working there?"
Again, Sarah shrugs her shoulders. "I don't know. I guess..." She pauses briefly then something causes her to express some type of realization while her eyes are still closed. "...I think...no. I know he and I used to go there whenever I visited him after we had our official first date. Had an awesome time together just talking and laughing. He joked that if I wasn't working as a Chief Operating Officer of Westside Medical Center, he would actually see me slinging corndogs for a living. The smell of it on my clothes. Nope." she mused, shaking her head. "Trust me Doc, it's the uniform because of how it can be so..." The blonde beauty pauses to search for the right word. "...eye opening, especially for the guys. I caught Chuck taking a glance at the girl and he thinks I didn't see him do it. I did."
"Interesting." After being momentarily silent, Dr. Dreyfus continues speaking. "I believe you are subconsciously wearing...how you put it...that eye opening uniform because of Chuck joking around with you about working there. Add to that, you catching him looking at another girl. Harmless, I'm sure."
In that instance, Sarah opens her eyes to respond to Dr. Dreyfus. "You're right about that, Doc. It was harmless. Cute even."
"Yet, it's because you've held on to that place and attire in your subconscious it has therefore become your recurring central focal point in your dreams. Let's see why. Close your eyes again." he requested. "How does your dream start and then we'll work our way from there?" Dr. Dreyfus asked, fully focused on his patient.
XXX
There are a few moments of silence as Sarah prepares herself by once again taking a deep breath after closing her eyes. It's in those few precious moments sitting there on the couch she is able to clear her head in order to be able to think freely, as well as openly about her dream involving Chuck. A dream that has always ended the same way and because of that she so wants to find out what it all means. To find out if there is some kind of underlying message that has been staring her in the face all along that she's just not seeing. In her mind, she's come this far and doesn't intend to stop now. For her, she hasn't backed off whatsoever in moving forward to keep herself from holding herself back personally, mentally, as well as emotionally. She's determined to find out that's for sure.
"For some reason, it always begins with me cleaning up the tables as a song plays from the speaker system." she shared.
"What song?"
"It my favorite one. Chuck actually suggested to me on our non-date after we first met." answered Sarah, with a shy smile. "Fresh Feeling by The Eels. Anyways, after walking inside..."
"Oh hey…" Sarah watches as Chuck steps through the door and makes his way to her. "I didn't know you were coming by." she added, as he finally stands in front of her. While standing there, the melody and words of the song resonate deeply with her as she notices he has something on his mind. The look from his piercing chocolate brown eyes cause her to briefly forget how to breathe, but manages to refocus by one simple blink.
You don't have a clue
What it is like
To be next to you
I'm here to tell you
That it is good
That it is true
Birds singing a song
Old paint is peeling
This is that fresh
That fresh feeling
"Sarah…" She peers up lovingly at him as he continues to speak. "…you know when you think you've met someone and it seems your whole perspective changes your life to where it flashed before your very eyes in an awesomely positive way?" Sarah remains silent peering up at him softly with a seemingly softer smile on her face. "That didn't exactly happen when we first met. In fact, it was actually embarrassing...not for you...but for me." A faint snort of a laugh is expressed that she can't help but be amused by as he goes on. "I remember in my head going over a list of scenarios in hopes of getting a chance of a do-over. Came up empty." he added as Sarah continues to stand there silent. "So today...right now, I wanna have my do-over and cross what I need to do off my list. It's at the top and something I promised myself I'd do." said Chuck stepping closer to Sarah and putting both hands on the side of her arms. "We need to break up."
Words can't be that strong
My heart is reeling
This is that fresh
That fresh feeling
Try, try to forget
What's in the past
Tomorrow is here
Love, orange sky above
Lighting your way
There's nothing to fear
Birds singing a song
Old paint is peeling
This is that fresh
That fresh feeling
Words can't be that strong
My heart is reeling
This is that fresh
That fresh feeling
A look of hope and the small hint of a smile on Sarah's face suddenly turns to confused disbelief causing her to slightly shake her head. The words that were so eloquently put in such a nervous and hesitant way were considered absolutely breathtaking to where she felt her heart skip a beat. It's the words leading up to the impending heartbreak that lift her up to where she's living for tomorrow now as the warm, heartfelt colors of the sky seem more vibrant. A feeling that would be like being hit with a bolt of lightning and coming out of it practically unscathed because of not fearing being hurt whatsoever. Unfortunately, it's what he said right after that causes her to react.
"What?" she replied with a mixture of surprised confusion.
"I'm just going to shoot straight. Let's face it. Even though you and I are both nerds, I'm always going to feel like I don't measure up. People asking and/or wondering why is Sarah Walker with that nerd? He's so out of her league. It feels...it feels like I'm part of some kind of fake...pretend relationship. Listen…" Chuck responded. "...we both know how I feel about you and that will never change." Sarah stands there experiencing a plethora of feelings, one of them being absolute disbelief as she waits for him to continue on. "You're the greatest thing that has ever happened to me." It takes everything in her to hold her gaze in hopes of a positive build up to something positive instead of negative. "You're beautiful, you're smart, you laugh at all my stupid jokes, and you have truly saved my life. More than you'll ever know. The truth is..."Chuck pauses causing him to look down to the floor.
Some people are good
Babe, in the hood
So pure and so free
I make a safe bet
You're gonna get
Whatever you need
Birds singing a song
Old paint is peeling
This is that fresh
That fresh feeling
As for Sarah, the lyrics to the song that have been music to her ears are suddenly a haunting echo of pain. For her, the pureness of the man standing in front of her representing all that's good and free when it comes to love has suddenly become tainted. The promising reassurance of true happiness she bet on and let it ride all on Chuck towards their future resulted in broken disappointment. In her mind, the silence has replaced the song birds and the old paint is giving off an odor to the point where she's experiencing a horribly smelly feeling that just plain stinks. It's that stink that's now permeating the surrounding atmosphere, but in spite of that she keeps her emotions in check as best she can.
In that instance, Chuck peers back up causing her to lock eyes with him once again. "The truth is your're everything I thought I ever wanted and more." Even though it sounds like a heartfelt moment, her smile is somewhat uneasy. "The last 3 months all I can think about is how I want to spend my future with you. About what it's going to be like when we get married, have kids, and grow old together. Spend time with our grandkids. But the more I think about it, the more I realize…" It's killing her inside as all her organs feel like they're in knots and she could actually puke standing right in front of Chuck. "...you and I...our future together...it's over."
At this point, Sarah can't believe what she is hearing as the happy bubble around her pops. It looks like her world is collapsing around her. She felt a lump rise in her throat, her eyes threatened to let tears escape. "I fooled myself into thinking that we could, but the truth is we can't…" he painfully said knowing how much he wants to have one. "…because even if we had a real relationship, I would always wonder if I'm enough for you. Will I be able to measure up to be the man you want me to be?"
"You are Chuck..." interjected Sarah. "...you're more than enough to me. And...and it doesn't matter if you think you're not able to measure up because you're you. You're Chuck. My Chuck. My nerd." she said, her voice absolutely shaky and visibly emotional. Tears forming in ears and moments away from crying as she tried to say some more but is unable to.
"And I'll always be all that to you. I'm a nerd guy leading a normal life. All of a sudden, you literally walk into my life." He expresses a bit of a chuckle afterwards. "And amazing as you are Sarah Walker, we both know…you weren't really in love with a nerd like me knowing deep down inside you want to be with someone like your ex Cole." he added, peering down to a seemingly stunned expression on Sarah's face. "I just can't do this anymore. I have to be honest with myself. And honestly...I love you. I know it took me a long time to say it..." he said shaking his head. "...but I do."
"I love you too, Chuck. Please..." Sarah feels her whole body shaking to the point where she may end up collapsing to the floor. She doesn't and musters enough strength within her to continue standing in front of Chuck knowing how emotional she is to the point of tearing up. "...don't do this. Don't leave. Don't go."
"I'm not really going anywhere. I'll always be there for you whenever you need me. Just as a friend. That's my promise to you." Chuck pauses then continues on. "I don't want to fool you..."
Sarah immediately interjects. "You're not fooling me, Chuck. What you and I have is real."
Chuck stands there in momentarily silence with Sarah processing all at once everything that's been dropped on her. While standing there, reality hits her to the point of not wanting to accept what's happening right now causing her to briefly break eye contact with the man she loves. Her attention is suddenly refocused back by the sound of his voice. "Hey, the longer we go, the longer we keep fooling other people into believing that we make sense as a real couple. Or the fact you're not over Cole because we both know you aren't. You know it's true deep down inside. But...but the person I keep fooling the most..." He pauses and while standing there Sarah can see the pain in his eyes. Hear it in his voice and actually feel it in his touch. "...is me." he added, momentarily standing then takes a step back. Afterwards he turns left and heads towards then out the door.
Words can't be that strong
My heart is reeling
This is that fresh
That fresh feeling
That fresh feeling
This is that fresh feeling
"And that's when I follow him out the door, but when I step outside..." she sullenly shared. "...he's gone." softly added Sarah, reaching up as if she's hugging herself.
XXX
"Here's what I think."
The sound of Dr. Dreyfus's voice snaps her back to reality leading her to slowly open her eyes. In that moment, she takes the time to regain her mental and emotional balance knowing that what the experience she was asked to endure took a considerable toll on her. However, after a few moments of refocusing, she gives back her full attention to the man who she has placed her trust in these past 2 days now.
"The dream isn't necessarily about Chuck, but rather someone that represents the overall issue that hasn't been resolved. If I may ask, when did you start having this dream?" he inquired, his pen at the ready to jot down additional notes.
"Day after my dad arrived. And by the way, he's here because he's sick and needs a kidney. My kidney." she reiterated, pointing to herself. "Also, he's practically broke because of all the spending he's been doing since he found out. Medicine, dialysis...they add up. He even had to sell his consulting business because of the expenses." added Sarah, with a noticeable tinge of anger in her voice. "That's not all. Get this. He's been here for the last 6 months and he shows up turning my life upside down only after the money for some life saving $20 million artificial kidney project fell through. He couldn't raise the other half of the grant money needed, apparently."
"How did you find that out?"
"Chuck." Sarah answered back. "Apparently, he hired a private investigator thanks to a family friend and was able to get a lot of information. A whole file folder." she shared, shaking her head. "Considered The BEST in Los Angeles according to him."
Dr. Dreyfus furrows his somewhat bushy eyebrows a bit after hearing that. "His name. Is it Conway by any chance?"
"Yeah, Doc. How did you now?" questioned Sarah, leaning forward a bit. As for Dr. Dreyfus, he suddenly becomes tight-lipped about it causing Sarah to quirk arch her right brow. "He's a patient of yours, isn't he?" she inquired, leaning forward and sliding towards the edge of the couch.
"Doctor-patient confidentiality, Sarah. Remember." the seasoned therapist noted, briefly removing his glasses.
"Fine." Sarah slides back to where she was comfortably sitting before and then crosses her arms.
"Fine." nodded Dr. Dreyfus, slipping his glasses back on.
For the well respected and seasoned therapist, he encountered countless patients over the years who can be considerably abrasive, stubborn, and certainly closed off to any sort of help when it comes to their mental well-being. Oftentimes, patients of his think there's absolutely nothing wrong with them to the point where there is the belief they're able to function normally without any problems whatsoever. Unfortunately, thinking that they feel fine and dealing with the reality of what they're going through on a consistent basis are two totally separate entities. In his mind, the blonde-haired woman sitting across from him hasn't been labeled difficult or problematic and most definitely has high hopes for a gradual instead of instant road to recovery, he thinks to himself.
After taking a moment to clear his throat, Dr. Dreyfus picks up where the discussion previously ended. "Before we got a bit sidetracked..." He peers down taking a few seconds to peer down at his notes. "...you mentioned your dream started after your dad arrived in town. What was your initial reaction regarding his arrival?"
"Shock..." Sarah responded, shaking her head. "...and surprise. I hadn't seen him in years." she added, turning her head to the right.
Once again, there's a deafening silence in the momentary lull in Dr. Dreyfus' office as Sarah continues to sit on the couch in deep thought. However, she would be snapped out of her mental contemplation by a simple question.
"How do you feel about that?"
"I feel..." she began, mentally searching for the words to say. "...angry, confused, and numb. I feel like I just want to release some pent-up aggression within me by getting up and trashing everything in this office." Sarah said, taking a look around her immediate surroundings.
"But you're not." calmly chimed in Dr. Dreyfus. He takes that moment to lock eyes with his patient.
Doctor and patient have a seemingly intense stared down, but that would end with Sarah speaking up. "You're right. I'm not, but I could if I wanted to." she faintly mused, trying to hide a slight smirk. Afterwards, she shrugs her shoulders then continues on. "What I'm feeling is all sorts of emotions. Yet, what I feel most of all..." She pauses and then takes a deep breath as if she's about to be truly honest with herself. "...I feel like I deserve something I've never gotten from him." she firmly declared.
"And that is?"
"An apology." she answered. "He's never apologized for brainwashing me and how it ended up greatly affecting me mentally. All the unresolved issues coming back to the surface when I heard his voice. I distinctly remember suddenly standing frozen and directly looking at Casey. It sent a chill down my spine and as much as I didn't want to turn around, I did. There he was standing there with the same arrogant and smug look that he always has. Thinking he's absolutely untouchable." Sarah further shared. A seemingly sobering tone in her voice resonating a mixture of pain and heartache.
After jotting additional notes in his notepad. Dr. Dreyfus returns his attention back to his patient sitting on the couch across from him. From his observation, Sarah's body language is no longer relaxed. Instead, it's much more pronounced as she looks rattled and agitated evident by her right leg shaking, as well as biting her fingernails. Fortunately for him, he feels has the knowledge and skill to de-escalate the ticking time bomb that is Sarah Walker before she suddenly goes off to the point where he becomes an unfortunate casualty from the immense blast radius. In any case, the seasoned and not to mention well respected therapist takes a deep breath as he has his metaphorical wire cutters in hand ready to go in to disarm her, so to speak.
"It's probably the reason why you're dreaming about him. Your father that is..." he pointed, with a bit of nod towards her. "...not Chuck." he added, awaiting her response.
Sarah shakes her head as she wraps her brain around what Dr. Dreyfus just said to her. A myriad of emotions are expressed all over her face as she leans forward and responds to her therapist. "Jack? Why would I dream about him now? He's hasn't been in my life for years."
A faint grin is expressed by Dr. Dreyfus as he suddenly leans forward. "You just answered that question and you didn't even realize." Sarah sits there letting what her therapist just said to her sink in. For a brief moment, it doesn't make sense until she gradually makes a mind-blowing realization concerning the dream she's been having that's supposedly involving Chuck.
XXX
"So, I have abandonment issues?" questioned Sarah, in a confused manner. Her head shaking as if she's trying to make sense of it all.
"The "absent father" issue." he shared, doing air quotes at the same time. "Typically, the absent father is not only a physical void of someone who was not present in someone's life..." He then points to Sarah. "...like you for instance. There have been countless cases I've dealt with in which the father, although physically present, either doesn't know how or doesn't want to take on his role. A sort of psychological absence that creates a diverse set of emotional wounds in a child that grows into an adult. You are very familiar with these kinds of situations from firsthand experience yourself."
"In English, Doc..." Sarah retorted back, a bit overwhelmed by the professionally worded jargon. "...English." she requested, with curious wonder on her part.
Dr. Dreyfus can't help but express a chuckle after hearing that. He then removes his glasses, places them down on top of his notepad, and basically gives the much easier Cliffs Notes version to her in order for her to be able to understand.
"In basic terms, Sarah..." Dr. Dreyfus takes that moment to scoot forward and, as he does, places his folder holding his notepad, as well as glasses, on the coffee table in between them. Now, he's sitting on the edge of his brown leather chair and leaning forward with his elbows digging just above his knees. His hands interlocked together. "...the dream version of Chuck leaving you...abandoning you and just disappearing completely is actually your father. He also represents your ex fiancé Cole. Granted, it's left up to interpretation...
"Doc."
"Right." he quickly nodded, getting back on track. "Your father represented a parent who was just unable to properly fully provide affection or the right recognition for that matter in the way you wanted growing up. You wanted to be loved and recognized as a daughter who just wants to be seen by her father."
"Daddy's little girl." she faintly breathed out.
A slew of emotions well up within her after hearing what now is making so much more sense to her. She continues to listen on and at the same time tries her very best not to completely breakdown, which she is finding quite difficult to do after experiencing a serious mind stamp as Devon or Captain Awesome would so eloquently put it, she thinks to herself. In that instance, she begins talking in hopes of making sense.
"His emotional absence created a void in my heart growing up as a kid." she honestly shared, pointing to the location of where her heart is. "A little girl who practically all her life was trying to discover and learn how to build a world around/for herself with help of the one person who she just wanted to be proudly seen, treated, and raised as their kid. My dad. Not be someone who could be trained, manipulated, and brainwashed into thinking or being like him." Sarah pauses keenly aware that her emotions are bubbling up to the surface to the point where the thing she's about to share with her therapist will cause her to explode emotionally. So, she does. "It's the reason I feel I deserve an apology. With Jack gone, that love I wanted was...at the time... thought to be found in Cole. He ended up abandoning me as well. He abandoned the trust, affection, communication and daily interaction that would be given to..."
"Who? Who did Cole give those to instead of you?" questioned Dr. Dreyfus, urging her with encouragement on his part.
By this point Sarah is in tears as she interjects saying the name of her former best friend's name and member of the C.A.T. Squad. "Amy."
"Go on. You alone have the answers that you're too scared to face." he said, continuing to encourage her on. "Remember, I'm just your guide. You have to get to the destination on your own. Wherever that may be."
"I was abandoned by a man who was supposed to raise me and help point me in the right direction. Unfortunately, I didn't have a proper role model as a father to look up to because I found myself completely lost. I would then be abandoned by a man who said he'd give me everything including the world. Evidently, what he didn't end up giving me was all his heart. Then there's the woman who was part of a group of best friends. She abandoned the strong, tight knight friendship once she betrayed the girl code between all 4 of us. Those betrayals would have me building up an impenetrable wall and since I built up a reputation for myself as Director Graham's Wildcard Enforcer..." she thoroughly pointed out.
As Sarah takes a moment to briefly pause and reflect before continuing on. Dr. Dreyfus watches as his patient can no longer hold the floodgates back as the tears begin flowing. It's as if, she just now freeing herself of all of the feelings that she's tightly held on to and harbored over the years. To him, it's those feelings that have been considered her strength and have become the incentive to prove that she can be loved by someone who wants to see her grow in every sense of the word. While sitting there, he postulated that maybe she would find herself becoming battered and bruised emotionally because as much as she's been punching away at the quintessential heavy bag representing Jack Burton in order to heal herself, she hasn't made a truly significant dent or impact all.
Speaking of the woman of 2 personas, she is an absolute blubbering mess leading the experienced therapist to pop up from his brown, leather chair. He quickly provides her with a box of tissues. After snatching out a couple of tissues, she then takes the whole box, much to the amusement of Dr. Dreyfus. As she continues blowing her nose, the colleague and close friend to Chief Beckman sticks his hands in pockets for a moment then side steps to his right. He then makes his way around then behind his brown leacher chair. While standing there, he removes his hands from his pockets and then reaches up, placing his arms in a crisscross pattern on the top part of it. He waits for a bit, giving Sarah an ample of time to recover and regain her composure. A few seconds later, he speaks up.
"I think it's safe to say when the Wildcard Enforcer fully emerged, "she" wouldn't allow you to get hurt. She would always be there to keep you safe within yourself for your own protection. She protected you until you met the one guy who was able to truly see the woman behind the..."
"Tough and bitchy exterior?" she chimed in, looking a complete mess because of crying.
"I was going to say..." Dr. Dreyfus then waves it off and continues briefly expressing a slight grin. "I think we've made some real progress, Sarah. "How do you feel?"
"Better. Thank you." she softly replied, sniffing every so often to compose herself.
It's at that point, Sarah's therapist peers down at his watch and takes a momentary deep breath. He then returns his attention back to his patient. "Let's take a short break. We'll resume in 5 minutes and you have the remaining 15 minutes to talk about something else."
"15 minutes isn't enough time for what I want to talk about." mused Sarah, in a muffled response while blowing and wiping her nose with crumpled up tissues.
"And what would that be?"
"Who actually. Chuck..." Sarah shared, picking out another piece of tissue from the box sitting on her lap. "...and the fact I love him. Does he love me though?"
"So, no 5-minute break then?" joked Dr. Dreyfus, making his way around then sits down in his chair. After a few moments of adjusting for both individuals, the seasoned therapist nods at Sarah who nods back signifying she's ready to use her remaining 15 minutes for all it's worth. "I'm listening." he said, clicking the top of his pen.
XXX
NOTE: So what did you think about Sarah having her emotional and mental breakthrough? I know many of you want them to say those three words to each other, but just be patient and wait a bit longer. The big payoff will most definitely be awesome at the Hospital Gala. Up next will be Chapter 39 and Bash At The Bench then the party for Chuck and Morgan getting investor for Kessel Run. Will Vinnie Jones show up as a surprise guest for the latest Rockstar Rebel, Everette Conway? Stay tuned. As always, leave a comment and share your thoughts on this chapter. Again, tip of the hat to NEVR for doing the beta!