Tobias POV
"Again" punch "higher" another punch. The last hour I have watched Tris run, lift weights and hit the punching bag without pause. If I didn't know because I'd been with her, I wouldn't believe she spent all night in the infirmary. Her determination is impressive and I can't help but feel guilty, if I hadn't refused to help her from the beginning, pointing out her weaknesses and how to overcome them, maybe yesterday she would have been able to defend herself better, maybe if it wasn't for my stupidity, she would have been able to get away from Peter before he injected her with fear serum.
My knuckles are shattered. Since I came to Dauntless four years ago, I have always struggled with the idea that inside me also lives a violent monster like Marcus. One part of me refuses to accept this idea, while the other, the strongest part, accepts and embraces the pleasure of fighting, the joy of pushing my body to the limit. Amar, my instructor, helped me understand that the fact that I like to fight and the adrenaline it gives me has nothing to do with the fact that I want to abuse someone for the simple fact of feeling higher and taking pleasure from the pain of others. That is why whenever I have had to fight I have always done it with both parties in agreement.
I recall when I finished my initiation everyone was pressuring me to choose one of the two positions the leaders wanted for me: a leader or a professional fighter. But if anything the countless hours I spent at night working out on my own to make up for the years of confinement I spent in Abnegation, and the workouts I helped Shauna through her initiation helped me discover a fondness I never thought I would have, teaching.
All of this just reminds me that in the last few weeks I have failed at two things: the first is not helping Tris in her training, yes of course the main reason is that I try to stay as far away from her as possible. I can't trust myself when it comes to her, it's like my whole body is out of my control and all the moron wants is to see her all the time. Although I have to accept that part of me refused to train her because I knew it was pointless, Tris isn't struggling to become dauntless, though either reason is unforgivable. The second thing I failed at, was letting myself be consumed by hatred. If it hadn't been for Tris screaming under the effects of the serum, I'm sure I would have killed Peter.
No matter how wretched he is, Peter was my initiate and even if he is a jerk who took cover under Eric's wing, I have no right over his life, but yesterday... agh, yesterday it took just one glimpse of Tris in danger to drive me insane, I wanted to hurt him, I wanted to make him suffer and not stop until there was no dust left of him. This is exactly the feeling I have fought so hard to avoid, the absolute control over the other, the power to shatter someone just with my knuckles. Now I have shattered knuckles to remind me of how I failed, both with myself and her, she who is to blame for nothing but being too stubborn for her own good.
Tris's grunt wakes me from my daydreaming and self-criticism, she keeps trying to make the punching bag move more than a few inches and she gets frustrated that she can't, it's not her fault of course, it's mine. Why would she need to know how to deliver a precise punch taking advantage of her anatomy?
"Keep tension in this area and use your elbows and knees as momentum for greater effect" I tell her laying my hand on her stomach, I start breathing hard, I don't know if my hand is too big or her body is too small but my touch embraces her whole abdomen and even with the cloth separating us, I feel the electricity caused by our closeness. I know my touch is past the time allowed to be casual or normal, but I don't find it in me to let go and for a second I think her eyes leave mine only to settle on my lips and quickly return. My God why does everything have to be so complicated? For just a second I allow myself to fantasize about what if this thing I feel when I'm with her, when I see her or shit, when I think about her was mutual. What if she felt the same way about me?
"What were you doing in the halls last night Four, when you found me I mean..."
Her question takes me by surprise allowing me to pull my hand away from her belly, why would she want to know what I do in my spare time, can I trust her and tell her that I actually paid a quick visit to my mother who for years I thought was dead only to find out three years prior that she actually abandoned me to the mercy of the monster that bears my father's title? Can I tell her about the members of Dauntless who disappear after being subjected to a serum I have not been able to identify only to be abandoned in the factionless area where by the way my mother lives and leads, who by te way is very much alive and full of desire for a revolution led by me at her side?
The internal battle I feel right now baffles me, I have been perfecting my shield for four years in this place, shutting out anyone who dares to look inside me, even with my closest friends I can't be completely honest, shit, only one, Zeke, knows my real name, what is it about Tris that makes me want to confess to her all my doubts, secrets and longings?, what will she do with them if I ever decide to share them, would she help me figure out why we live in such an unsafe complex or would I help her dig deeper the grave she is already in by simply questioning our leaders?
The approaching sound of laughter breaks the staring contest we were holding, a quick glance at the clock tells me it is almost time for the training to begin. Little by little the initiates begin to fill the room, I leave Tris alone so as not to raise anyone's suspicions, it's not a crime if she wants to wake up earlier to come train, no one has to know that in reality, we've been together for more than 6 hours. Eric walks in last, loaded with a hate-filled stare and a smirk.
"Hey, I heard you got an all-inclusive ticket to spend the night in the infirmary stiff, did you enjoy your stay?" He says to Tris feigning discretion but loud enough for the group of initiates to hear what happened. I have to force myself to unclench my fists and keep my frown feigning annoyance. "Fortunately and thanks to your knight in shining armor everything went well, and judging by the fact that you apparently woke up early to train, there's no need for us to worry or bother with unnecessary paperwork about the three members who allegedly perpetrated the attack."
I feel my throat flood with bile, of course me asking for Eric's lackey to be detained would not be something Eric would take kindly to; to be honest I was planning to deal with the matter at lunch break but of course Eric always has other plans, never mind that he thinks the attack is a mere assumption, he hates Tris of course he will do everything to dismiss the risk she was in. I see that Tris is about to answer Eric's attacks, but thankfully our gazes meet and I try to beg her with my eyes to please keep quiet, it's not the best idea to tease Eric, no matter how much he pushes you to break and fight him, the best and even though it's humiliating, is to let him win each and every one of his stupidities.
"Initiates get ready, today is simulation day" says Eric somewhat frustrated for not getting what he wanted from Tris, he turns around heading to one of the other training rooms. There are already too many people here to act casual with Tris so I just shrug and nod to her to join in with her group, in return she gives me a small smile that I can't help but even if I wanted to, return. I wonder how many people in this faction have seen me smile in these past four years?
Tris POV
The training simulation room is huge and seemingly empty. The ceiling, floor and walls are covered with screens like the ones we use for projection shooting. As we enter Eric and Four hand us some transparent scopes and electronic dart guns like the ones we've used before. The room is fully lit by spotlights that I can't quite place. The only thing different in the room is a window showing a small room with monitors.
"Listen everyone" says Four "today we will be doing the first field simulation. With these viewers you will be able to see a fictitious scenario where we will have to complete a mission. The scenarios may vary depending on each exercise, we could find ourselves in a ruined building, in the Dauntless complex or somewhere in the shattered city." I can't help but feel a little suffocated with all the technological advances I've seen in this faction, while back home everything is so rustic and outdated. To help us out with something that would make our lives simpler would be selfish of us.
"This time we will all work as a team. If any of you are wounded in combat, your visor will give off a red light, it will also tell you if the wound allows you to continue fighting or if it is tragic and forces you out of the exercise. In case you have been wounded but can continue in the simulation, it will slow down for you, increasing the difficulty of your mission, just as it would happen in real life". Four puts on his visor telling us to do the same.
"I will be in the control room observing the simulation from the inside, depending on your performance points will be added or subtracted. So don't screw yourselves and try to do well from start to finish, in this faction we want our members to be trained for any situation. Each of your scopes is connected to our system, so you will not be able to cheat, if you die in combat I will know if you decide to stay there even though for you the exercise is over" Eric looks at us mischievously, I get the feeling that there is something about this exercise that they are not telling us. He then heads to the control room and starts interacting with the screens.
"Come on, everyone with your visors on and your gun safeties off, remember if any of the darts hit you, it won't go past a sharp, harmless but very intense pain so try not to shoot each other" we all get into position and a countdown sounds in the room.
"Let's go" says Four. I hear the hiss and whoosh of a gas, a sweet smell I can't identify fills the room, at the same time before my eyes the screens disappear and I suddenly find myself on the streets of Chicago. Outside the simulation it is no more than nine in the morning, but inside it is almost six in the evening, the sun is setting leaving in its wake a landscape of shadows that play with my mind making me believe that there are targets where there is really nothing. We all start walking as a group towards a crossroads, on the sides there are several damaged buildings, it distracts me to see the faces of my companions, some look frightened and others look like they don't know what is happening and how they got here. When we reach the corner all hell breaks loose.
Four tells us to run towards one of the buildings and take advantage of the windows to get a head start and be able to take down the enemies without them seeing us. I decide to hide behind a column and peek out carefully. I watch as some of my companions run into the building as several people enter the building through the windows and door. They are dressed in torn clothes and their faces are full of dirt; just like us they have long guns and shoot without consideration. I suppose the exercise simulates a battle against the factionless, and while I understand it's not real, I don't like the feeling of going into battle against them. I do know they are not the nicest people and at least the few I know I can't manage to understand their aspirations or intentions but that doesn't make me want to shoot them.
A brief memory of the exercise spent in the labyrinth, my back resting on Four's chest, his hand around my waist. Stop it Beatrice, concentrate! A couple of bullets pass the column and crash into the wall in front of me. The sounds of the factionless tell me that they are approaching my hiding place, and then I remember that I have to score points. I look to the other side of the building and see a back door through which some of my teammates are exiting.
I take a deep breath, let the air out and prepare to run, but not before turning and shooting at the two figures running towards me. I don't stop to check if my shot knocked any of them down, I run as if my life depended on it. As I exit the building I see my companions scatter into the other buildings. I decide to run towards the exit of the alley, the shots that sound behind me give me the impulse I need, although I know that the enemies are part of the simulation, I can't be sure that their bullets won't have the same effect as ours, honestly I don't care to experience the pain of a shot no matter how harmless it is. As I run I hear the curses that some of my companions release when hit by bullets, yep, there's my answer.
I get out of the alley and keep running, with my peripheral vision I can see that other initiates are running with me towards some smaller streets. It is when I reach them and hide behind a small gray house that I realize where I really am: Abnegation. I can't help the groan of anguish that escapes my mouth. The factionless begin to disperse through the streets of my faction and someone from my team yells out that we should have kept running to find a place that gives us a head start. I keep moving through the streets, in the corner of a house is John in a fetal position crying inconsolably while trying to cover his eyes, what is going on here? A series of gunshots force me to run leaving him behind.
"This way" shouts Four to whoever can hear him, he starts running down the paths that mark the backyard of some houses. I run at full speed to try to catch up with him when out of a corner come five factionless men with their guns pointed at us. A crossfire starts between us, the guns release dust as if they were real and we hear the moans of pain from the factionless who are now on the ground. "Let's head for the forest entrance, quick," Four tells us. I wonder how he knows the way to get to this part of the faction. For as long as I can remember, I've never seen any members of Dauntless hanging out or touring my faction, though I quickly forget my doubts, surely they use this scenery a lot since near Abnegation is where they concentrate more factionless. They must have studied this map quite a bit.
We reach the tall, bushy trees in a matter of seconds, "spread out and hide," Four tells us. We quickly move through the trees with more security now that we are not exposed. I decide to hide in one of the trees that has the thickest trunk, just like the column, this gives me protection but allows me to keep watch in case someone comes. I can't see all my companions but from the noise around me, I know that the factionless have already caught up with us. I spy quickly and decide to go deeper into the forest. The sound of footsteps on the dry leaves alerts me and I point my gun. "It's me, easy" Four tells me quietly, indicating with his hand for us to continue moving forward.
How come I always end up next to Four in these kinds of exercises? We walk a few more meters until we reach a part where the tree trunks are too close together, making it difficult to pass. "We should stand guard here," he says to me, jumping over a cross log. I place my gun pointed towards the edge of the forest although with the darkness of the forest and being at night the visibility is not very good. I don't know how many minutes pass but neither of us says anything. Shots and voices sound in the distance but in our hiding place the silence is broken only by our breathing. I constantly feel Four's stare on me, a strange, anxious look.
A whimper alerts us "oh my god. is anyone here?" says a shrieking voice on our right.
"Maria?" Four asks a little annoyed at the unnecessary noise that may give away our location.
"Four? Thank goodness!" Maria cries "I lost Rita and the others, I think they were shot, I don't know- I don't know what happened to them" for God's sake, I think the dramatic stuff is a bit redundant, it's an exercise after all, it's not like really her friends are dead, but I guess Maria finds in this the perfect opportunity to again be protected or sheltered by Four, I have nothing left to do but roll my eyes in annoyance.
"Maria shh, hide here and be quiet" Four pulls her by the arm to the ground. But never taking his eyes off me. I think they take this kind of exercises too seriously in this faction, Four looks like he is about to lose his marbles. Again silence surrounds us. "Tris?" Four starts to say when a sound of footsteps is heard from my side, Four gets up in a second and points in the direction where the sound is coming from, it is heard closer and closer so I get up pointing as well.
The wind moves the branches of the trees allowing the moonlight to illuminate enough to be able to see the person stalking our hideout, a burst of gray cloth passes by and Four fires his gun, the groan and the noise of a falling body indicates that he hit the target.
"What the hell, why did you do that, they weren't the enemy" I say trying not to raise my voice, we have fought in this game against the factionless, but Four shot a member of Abnegation who surely had nothing in his hands to attack us with.
"They are now," Four says sharply. The sound of multiple footsteps tells us we are surrounded, through the gaps of light I can see grey cloths, the sound of multiple weapons charging sounds all around us, I don't understand, Abnegation has never used weapons, why would they put them in this simulation with them.
"Shoot!" Four yells at me.
"No way" I'm not going to do it, I don't care how many points I get subtracted for this, I'm not going along with the stupid game. Maria's hysterical screams start to irritate me.
"Tris" Four shouts as he fires back-to-back shots into the darkness, knocking bodies down with each shot.
"No, what does it matter anyway if this is..." Four pulls me violently towards him covering my mouth with his hand, at the same time a bullet hits the place where a second ago was my head, I feel as he shoots twice more knocking us to the ground to avoid the impact of multiple bullets. Again I am leaning on Four's chest, but his hand is still on my mouth preventing me from speaking. Without expecting it, I feel his mouth on my ear.
"Tris don't say it, they are hearing everything. This is a simulation but you shouldn't know that, no one should know that. You have to shoot, that's what they expect to happen here, any other outcome is dangerous. Act like you think this is real, if you have to get hysterical do it, but please Tris, please don't say anything" the anguish in Four's voice crushes my heart, doesn't anyone know this is a game? but they just explained it before we went in. The word 'divergent' comes to mind and I freeze, this is just like my attitude test where I didn't have to be aware.
"Please Tris, tell me you understand" Four urges, I just nod my head. He releases me from his grip just as a person dressed entirely in gray, with short hair points his gun directly at us. I don't know if it's the adrenaline of danger or the electricity I still feel in my body from having Four's lips glued to my skin, but I raise my gun and without hesitation fire at the same time the abnegated man shoots at me.
The whole room lights up again. I am no longer in the forest, but in the training room. All around me many of my teammates stand up in pain, Maria is still sobbing and my gaze connects with Four's, his eyes begging me to pretend, it takes me a fraction of a second to throw my gun and turn into a ball while I tremble as if shooting a member of my faction was the most abominable act I have ever done. I see the look of approval and relief in Four's eyes.
Eric shoots out of the control room looking at all of us, as he walks past me he only raises an eyebrow but quickly his gaze falls on Maria who is still sobbing inconsolably, he grimaces and continues walking towards a group of initiates. "You have to come with me" he says to a blond boy I have never spoken to and whose name I don't know. He grabs him by the arm and by the way the boy squirms, he doesn't do it gently. He starts to walk pulling him towards the door and before leaving he yells " You are dismissed, the training is over".
Again I fix my glance on Four, he is now breathing heavily and in his eyes I see alarming panic. "You have the rest of the afternoon free, come back after lunch to the weight room" and he rushes off towards the exit without looking at me again. What the hell does this all mean?
A/N
Sorry for the delay but I couldn't find the inspiration to write this chapter because I didn't finish organizing my ideas for the simulation. Anyway, I had to take out some things I had planned for this chapter 11 that I'll have to put in the next one, but it just seemed to me that the characters had already gone through enough angst for this chapter.
Anyway, I'll try to make up for my lack of updating with another chapter this week, if I don't make it then see you next week.