Chapter 32, Existential Crisis

I stood there for a few minutes still thinking about what Mr. House said. I can't say I was fully surprised, but there was the part of me that was hoping we could have helped him come around to the idea. I mean it makes me wish that maybe the NCR would have been the better options, but I saw how hard they were struggling. They spread out way too thin and corruption was clear to those who saw it. From rumors to stories to even factual claims, it was all apparent. It's a shame because the old U.S. before the corruption could have worked with some modifications I believe. So I wouldn't have been able to do anything even if I wanted to. But they would have listened at least to an extent. Maybe? Who knows? The more I thought about it, the more old feelings resurface inside of me. The same feelings I had felt when I left D.C. and the years that came after. Hopelessness, despair, pain, and so many more that started to rebreathe life back in me. The more I thought of them, the more they started to grow like they were just there waiting for me as if it was the Devil himself. And the more that I did, the more it started to overwhelm me, making me shake and feel uneasy.

I pushed the button to take me down to the lobby to go back out to the Strip. What I wanted to do next I didn't know. All I did know is that all I wanted was to be away from people again. To be back in my head to think. The doors eventually opened and I wasted no time in exiting to the Strip and back out into the wasteland. As I looked to the sky I could see the sun getting closer to noon, signaling half the day was gone. Maybe there was something productive I could do. Then I felt reminded about the conversation I had with my Dad about fixing the van I came to New Vegas. I still need to get a new axle for it or at the very least repair it.

I wasted no time in making my way to Red Rock Canyon. I need to assess the damage and see if anything else was taken. With how long it's been there, who knows.

As I continued my path, I could feel the wind and cold of the wasteland surrounding my body even penetrating my armor giving me a slight chill to my bones. I can only imagine what winter is going to be like when it comes. Maybe we'll get some snow? Doubt it. It's a desert after all.

Eventually, I came to Red Rock Canyon, its name coming from the red tint that the rocks and soil have around it. The cliffs of the rocks are stained with red from the years of them standing. I bet there's a few folk stories about the rocks being stained with blood from the people that have bled and fought for thousands of years in these lands. However, I don't have the foggiest idea of what they are.

As I scanned the area, I took notice of the abandoned camp that the Great Khans left behind. The same buildings from before were still standing, but the tents were either gone or what few were left were torn all over. It's a miracle they're still here without someone to maintain them. I'm surprised no one ever tried to take it over. Then again, there's no water here and I doubt you'd be able to grow much with the soil here. They grew stuff here, sure, but they had to bring in soil from elsewhere to do it. What few The Great Khans grew here were just corn or potatoes. And with no one here to help keep it fertilized, this is the end result.

I turned right and went up a hill, turning the corner of a boulder to find my vehicle still here. It's a large light green cargo like attachment on the back of the truck with some rust to complete the scenic look it has. To my surprise it almost looked like how I left it except the tires were gone. Upon closer inspection, the door inside was still locked, but there were clear signs of trying to break in. Not like they would have found much there anyway, I cleaned out the entire thing when I left it here. All that was left was whatever I didn't value as much.

I looked underneath and saw that it was what I was expecting. Axel was broken and clearly needed a new one. No surprise there. I unscrewed the gas camp and took a whiff to see if there was any gas left. Nope, empty tank. Great so add gas to the list. Maybe Oil too to be safe. I guesstimated the inches of the rims on what kind of tires it would need. If I remember correctly, they were 275/70R22.5. Standard measurements of the tires out here. Finally, I saw that both headlights were gone. Normally that wouldn't be on the top of my list of issues, but by the time I'm done with this, it'll be night time so I'll need to know where i'm going. Don't need a repeat of what happened last time I drop out at night without headlights.

With all that in mind, I stood up and started the walk to make my way to Gibson's Scrap Yard. Hopefully Gibson can have at the very least a patching kit or maybe someway to bring it to her yard to repair. Whichever would be easier. Because that axle isn't going to be light to carry, that's for damn sure and that's not even including the other items. I'll need a cart to pull these items back here.

As I continued to walk, I heard my Pimp Boy beep telling me someone was calling.

"Evan. Where are you? It's been a few hours and I haven't heard from you, " the familiar voice of Elizabeth said.

I want to keep this brief. No reason to explain more than what I currently want right now.

"I…I just want to be alone," I replied.

"What? Why? Why do you…"

I cut the transmission and kept walking. Elizabeth wouldn't understand how I'm feeling right now. I'll apologize when I get back either tonight or tomorrow. She'll be fine. I know she knows I'll be fine.

I continued my journey across the desert, with me slowly regretting not bringing a jacket or wearing something else to keep me warm. The chill of the desert was starting to shiver me down to my bones and even moving did little at all to keep me warm. All that was missing was freezing rain or snow and I'd be a popsicle.

Eventually, I reached Gibson's Scrap Yard, still looking the same as before all though I did notice there were some new kinds of scrap added to her collection than before such as some new tires and now parts from vehicles. As I approached her, I took notice of her tinkering with some scrap for a project she might be working on accompanied with some oil and grease all on her hands.

"Hello dear, how are you," she asked.

"Fine. Do you happen to have an axle for any truck," I answered.

"No I'm afraid not. I only got some axles for a van and some military grade trucks. Doubt they would fit a normal truck if that's what you're asking. What's wrong with yours," she asked

"It snapped in half," I stated.

"How did that happen?"

"Ran over a rock and it snapped. Must have been rusty after so long."

She grabbed a towel to wipe her hands before scratching her chin, "I see. Well, I can lend my welder, jack, and some scrap metal to help at least patch it up. Do you need anything else?"

"Gas, oil, tires, headlights, and rims for the truck. The tire measurements are 275/70R22.5 I believe," I answered.

Shock filled her face, "Wow, what the hell happened to it? You sure you didn't run over a bunch of Radscorpions?"

"No. Just abandoned it. I'm assuming people scavenged the outside parts that they could. Inside was still locked up since I left it."

"You sure you don't want another truck? I could hook you up with one."

"No. This one is definitely one of a kind since it's more of a mobile truck with stuff inside that I used to live in," I replied.

"Ok. Well, this will cost you some caps. I'd say 400 for all of it," she stated.

I dug into my bag and counted 400 caps to give to her where I waited a few minutes for her to gather the items. I can tell this is going to take the entire afternoon and into the evening, so maybe getting Victor to help deliver some of the items would help.

"I'll be back," I said.

Probably Novak would have one and as I got closer to the Dino Motel, I saw one riding around and all I had to do was ask for it to help me, and Victor appeared the same as usual.

"Hello there Pardner, what can I help you with," his cheerful voice

"I just need some help carrying some things to Red Rock Canyon. Trying to fix something," I replied.

"Sure can do," he replied.

We walked back to the scrap yard where Gibson had everything ready to go in a wooden makeshift cart that Victor could easily drag behind him.

"There you go. Tires with rims, screws, oil, headlights, and some gas. Good luck with fixing your truck," she exclaimed.

I nodded before motioning Victor to pull the cart and follow me as we made our way back to Red Rock Canyon. During that time, I felt my Pimpboy letting me know a transmission was coming through, but I ignored it. As I said early, Elizabeth can wait. She'll be fine.

During our journey I felt myself drift further into my mind in thinking about what comes next. If I get this truck fixed, maybe I can go somewhere else to live. I know Elizabeth expressed interest in getting the Lutece Device rebuilt and Paris could be on the table. Thing is, who knows how long that will take. We still need to find the parts needed to repair it and an energy source to power it and according to Elizabeth, the parts needed could be spread out around the country or elsewhere. Then there was figuring out what we are going to do past that point. I honestly don't know. I'm just hoping we don't run into someone already there in Paris and it creates problems for us. Otherwise, I'd rather we go elsewhere at that point. I don't think we'd even be able to convince people there if they were similar to Mr. House.

After some time and the sun starting to set, we arrived at the Truck and Victor pulled the cart right next to it to drop it off.

"There we go. Do you need any help with anything." he asked.

"No, I'm good. Tell Elizabeth I'll come home late," I answered.

"Alrighty then. Take care Pardner," Victor replied before driving off.

As he disappeared over the horizon, I thought about what I wanted to get started with. I think starting with the inside of the truck might be the best place to start. If I remember, I think I left a lantern or two in there.

I dug into my backpack and found the key to the truck proceeding to open the door. The musty smell of the truck blew towards me, but aside from that, everything was where I had left it. I had removed all the food and weapons from the lockers and cabinets, but the lanterns were where I left them in the top cabinet. There were two just in case one broke and after I tested that they still worked, I took them outside to use. Once the lanterns were set up, I got to work on filling the tank up with gas and changing the oil. The gas part was easy, but the oil not so much having to disassemble underneath and have the old oil drip out to replace with the new one. Eventually that was done and now it was putting tires onto the back of the truck to help elevate it a bit easier to eventually work on the axle.

Once that was done, I felt it enough to take a break. I simply went inside and took a seat in the driver's seat, giving myself a few minutes to rest, admiring the Red Rock Canyon Valley below. I wanted to go back to the Strip tonight, but I still felt like I wanted to be alone. Elizabeth's been through worse or similar I'm sure. This is nothing for her. So I don't need to worry about her even though there is this small part of me that is slightly worried about her. What that specific was I don't know, but it wasn't worth getting torn up about it.

After what I assumed was 30 minutes, I went back outside to get to work, the sun being extinguished from the sky with the black of the night engulfing everything around me except the lanterns that I turned on providing light. I took out the welding kit to do some weld work on the axle. I didn't have much experience when it came to welding, only welding small things back in the Vault, but I think I have enough just to patch it up till I find a replacement one day. Once it was repaired as best as I could, I got the axle back into its place with all the screws and adjustments needed. Then, I got back underneath and continued working. I lost track of time with how long it took me to repair and fix up the truck from underneath to up top, but as I went underneath again to work, I heard footsteps approaching me from a distance. My instincts kicked in with my right hand reaching for my revolver in its holster.

"Really? This is where you went," the familiar voice of Elizabeth shouting at me.

I sighed, putting my right hand back to work, "I said I wanted to be alone."

"Why do you want to be alone? Was Mr. House not convinced? Did he say something that upset you?"

"What's the point Elizabeth? What's the point in anything? Just go back to the Strip and I'll come back when I'm ready, " I replied, tightening another screw.

In a sudden flash of the moment, I felt her grab both my legs and pull me out from underneath, so fast that I wasn't able to fully comprehend how quick it was and how she did it.

She scowled, "I get that you're upset, but that gives you no right in leaving me in the dark like this. What if you were killed? How would I have known?"

I sighed refusing to look at her, "One, Victor would tell you if he found my body and Two I can handle myself just fine. I did many years before I met you. So please, just go back and I'll come back when I'm done."

"THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING POINT EVAN," she shouted.

Her voice surprised me so much that it commanded me to meet her illuminated gaze.

She took a breath with subtle tears going down her cheek, "Once again, I understand that you're upset. Clearly Mr. House's response was bad. So, tell me what happened?"

I shrugged, "He responded how you would expect."

"Ok. So why shut yourself down instead of coming to talk to me? Why are you being so…this," she questioned, gesturing to me and wiping her tears.

I took a minute to answer. All I can think of to reason is that it just felt natural to go that way. It just felt instinct to me to just retreat to myself and doing all this work helped keep me occupied. That's the best way I can describe it at least. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal to her. Does she not trust my capabilities to survive alone?

"I can't really explain it much except that it just felt… natural to just retreat to myself? I felt reminded of this Truck when my Dad brought it back up in D.C. So, I figured now would be the best time to work on this thing. That's the best way I can describe it."

I took notice of the light from the lantern illuminating her discouraged face and the cold of the night chilling the sigh from her mouth. She looked more like a ghoul than a person which terrified me in a way.

"You still didn't answer why you didn't come to talk to me about this," she replied, folding her arms.

"I…I don't know. I just wanted to cope with this my way on my own. It's how I was doing it after I thought my Dad died for many years."

She walked closer to me, "Ok. Then maybe next time you should communicate with me about this. I'd say let me be with you while you go with it, but maybe it's better to let you figure it out on your own. But please next time just give me updates. I really didn't like that you did that to me. I was really scared something happened to you. I waited as long as I could until I finally decided to go out and find you. Thankfully Victor told me where you were."

I sat up, "Ok. I get why you're mad. We'll talk after I get this truck repaired. I just got done with the axle. Now it's just getting the tires on the front back on and that's it."

"Ok," she replied, her voice soft like she was obedient for a moment.

I raised the truck up with the jack and put the tires on where they went, also tightening the bolts to keep the wheel on. With the final step out of the way, now it was testing to see if it would turn on.

I went inside, Elizabeth following me in as I sat in the driver's seat to turn the key to start the ignition. Nothing. I tried again. Nothing.

"Did you miss something," she asked.

"No. I think it just needs a moment," I replied.

We sat in silence for a minute, before I heard Elizabeth clear her throat.

"I knew you were capable of surviving out here Evan. That wasn't why I was mad."

"Why were you," I asked.

"I was mad because I felt there was something wrong and you didn't want my help."

"There was nothing you could have done. Mr. House said his stance and that was it."

She turned to face me, "Not about him. About you."

I faced her, "What could you have helped me with?"

She shrugged, "I don't know. I just still wish you had given more details, kept communicating with me, or even just came home. I was upset like you didn't even consider or want my help."

That wasn't my intention and it's not like I didn't want her help. I just wanted to figure this out in my head. It again just felt natural for me to do it this way.

"It's not that I didn't want your help Elizabeth, I just felt that it would be easier to do this on my own," I replied.

"And I'm not doubting that. Just like I said, just keep me updated or communicate with me next time. You're the only family I have and this whole day I felt as useless as I did back in Rapture. If you died, I…I wouldn't have anyone else to go to to trust like I do with you. "

I guess I was wrong in thinking she would be fine while I tried to do something like I did today. It didn't occur to me today just how much she depends on me not just as a boyfriend, but as a family member she trusts. Part of me feels shameful with this realization and all I can think of doing is just apologizing.

"Yeah. Maybe that would have been better if I did that. I'm sorry Elizabeth," I said.

She put her hand on my shoulder, "It's ok. Just promise me you won't do something like this again."

I grabbed it, "I promise."

She kissed my cheek, "You want to turn the truck on again?"

I turned the key in the truck and it started up with all the lights and everything turning on inside.

"Perfect, let's get this back," I announced.

I backed up the truck and drove it off, avoiding any pot holes and craters. I have to say it was nice to hear this truck purr again after so long. Obviously the axle was going to need a new one since welding some scrap metal on it wouldn't work nearly as well as you would think for the long term. But it's enough to get it somewhere better till I figure out something new. Eventually, we arrived at the Strip and I found a place to park the Truck outside of the gate until we found a better place for it.

"Ok, that should be good till I find somewhere else tomorrow to park it," I stated.

"Alright," she replied.

We entered the Strip the same as we have before and made our way into the Lucky 38 and back up the suite. The moment the elevator doors opened, Daisy came to greet us all excited to see us return by running around jumping up on us.

"Hi Daisy, did you miss us," I asked.

Daisy let us know how much she missed us by running around in circles which eventually led to her chasing her own tail. It cracked a smile from me and with Elizabeth it made her laugh.

"She's been so fired up, it's been keeping me busy while you've been gone. I was able to make some leftovers if you want some. I had a tuna casserole that I just threw together."

"Sounds good," I replied.

I went into the kitchen to warm myself up with a plate of it, but I didn't serve myself too much. I wasn't that hungry. Even eating it I still felt a part of me still feeling as I had earlier. Not nearly as much but it was still there, lurking in the shadows of my mind.

Once I was done, I put my plate away and cleaned up my dish. As I was I heard Elizabeth come into the kitchen.

"If you would like, maybe we can put on that copy of Batman Returns and watch it together," she asked.

"Yeah, that sounds like a plan," I answered.

I followed Elizabeth to our makeshift living room we had as before and saw her put the movie in. We then sat down and the movie started up on the TV. While watching, Daisy came in and laid down near us to watch until she fell asleep with her snoring soon after. As I was watching the movie, I noticed that it was much darker in tone compared to the first one even having Batman murder a guy with a Bomb. That was a bit strange, but still was a good watch. Makes me wonder if there's other Batman movies out there. I'd have to spend some time looking for them when I can. Overall, I prefer the first one, but this one was fine.

"Well that was a good watch," I heard Elizabeth say.

"Yeah it was. I'm glad you found it," I replied.

"I honestly felt like it was a bit too dark. I liked the Joker more because he made me laugh more than the Penguin did."

"I mean I didn't mind the dark tone. That guy getting his nose bit was weirdly funny to me and hte Penguin grabbing the wrong umbrella was funny too," I chuckled.

'I guess so. Looks like I don't have as dark of humor as you."

"Well, maybe we should keep an eye out for more light hearted comedy movies," I replied.

"Maybe," she said with a subtle smile on her face.

We both paused for a moment, staring at each other before I leaned over and kissed her.

Elizabeth smiled, "Do you feel better now?"

I smiled back, "To an extent."

"But there's something else," she asked.

I nodded, "I think we should expedite the work on the Lutece Device. Staying in New Vegas for me at least isn't seeming like a viable idea anymore. Mr. House's response makes me feel that New Vegas is going to be a good place to visit, but to live, I doubt it. I want to look more to the future if that makes sense."

"It does. What are you looking for in the future?"

I crossed my arms"I think we should look somewhere else to live. Maybe Paris since you've always wanted to be there and maybe you can even help rebuild it. With the Lutece Device we could get a branch of the Brotherhood there and get something set up. "

"Yeah. That sounds like a good idea, it would be just making the device that would be tricky. But if we can get the truck repaired we could use that to drive further distances to find the parts."

"Yeah. We'd just need to get the parts to replace it. Maybe Victor might know something."

"Maybe. There is one more thing I've been wanting to share since you're thinking of the future."

I looked at her, "What do you mean?"

"I was going to save this for something a bit more special, but maybe… this is the right moment to share it."

"What is it?"

Elizabeth started to fidget with her pinky like she always does which made me subtly shake on more concerned on what it is. She then let out a large amount of air as if readying herself for the impact of a bombshell.

"Ok. Evan, I…I want to have a child," she stated as I felt the bomb land and shockwave of what she just said.

"Wait what," I exclaimed, jumping out of my chair the fastest I ever have.

"Yeah. It's been on my mind for quite a while now," she replied.

"How long," I asked.

"I think It started the night after we took down the Deathclaw. After that moment we had, I… I haven't felt fully the same since. The thought of having a child just popped into my head after. I've been reading books and papers about children and raising them since. The more I did, the more it just started to sound more for me if that makes sense. Then seeing more with you and your Dad, it… it reminded me that I have no family alive. Sure the Luteces I guess but i'm talking more blood related. I feel having a child would help that. I'm not saying I want to start today or soon. But I'd like to have one in the future once things have settled for both of us."

I started to shake for a bit as she talked, drowning her out of my surroundings leaving only me there.I don't have any words at all. I have literally nothing. The only thing crossing my mind is is this going to be possible?

Happy two year anniversary. It still amazes me that I have been writing this story for two years now. I am juggling between releasing two more chapters or three more. Regardless, I do plan on having another as a more Q and A type of chapter answering potential questions people may have. Then this two year journey will come to an end.