Chapter 42: What Binds Us
A student's life was tedious in many ways: exams, competition, stress, financial insecurity, the list was long. All of these greatly contributed to the mental health degradation of the young minds, destined to enter the job market, already worn down, ready to be persecuted by companies with toxic management.
Yes, there was that, but Kuroo had no such worries on this Monday afternoon. What was weighing heavily on his mental well-being at this very moment was having to listen to his microbiology class as he bravely fought against sleep. Here he was, lazily scribbling illegible chicken scratch on paper, adding notes here and there for his future self to do the extra work for him.
How much longer would this torture last?
He looked up at the clock above his professor and felt his heart sink in horror when he saw that only a few minutes had passed since he last checked.
He would have cried, but he was way too tired for that.
Tetsurō let himself fall back and his eyes landed on Oikawa's computer screen next to him: 5:48 PM. He sighed in relief, realizing that the clock had shamelessly lied to him, only a few more minutes and he would be free.
His gaze stayed on the screen. his friend didn't seem very absorbed in the lecture either, refreshing his email inbox every five seconds. After a while, a new email finally appeared. Oikawa held his breath and opened it. Tetsurō couldn't read what it was about, but judging by his friend's expression, it must have been important.
"And we will be happy to welcome you in one of our units in… Yahoo!"
Oikawa had stood up from his seat and shouted the end of his sentence. Tetsurō and Chris looked at him, dumbfounded. Their professor reprimanded him, but their friend didn't care at all :
"I'm off to NASA, baby, goodbye losers!"
He bent down, grabbed Kuroo's lecture notes, and threw them festively in the air.
"Sir, I would ask you to please sit down and stop disrupting the class…"
"I don't care! Yahoo!"
Gosh, he had completely lost it. Microbiology classes were definitely dangerous for one's health.
Oikawa turned around and climbed up the amphitheater, stepping over tables. He tumbled over the last one, fortunately empty, but quickly got back on his feet and shouted, "I'm going to live forever!" before finally leaving the room.
Silence fell.
"Uh… Sorry," Kuroo said, feeling all eyes on him.
Turning his head, he found Chris's gaze, who looked just as stunned as he was. They burst into laughter together.
Oikawa had left all his things behind, and Chris and Kuroo had to pack them up to bring them to him. Leaving the building, they found their friend outside, out of breath. Kuroo chuckled.
"Why are you out of breath like that?" the brunet asked, handing his friend his things.
"Thanks… Sorry, I couldn't go back after that grand exit… I had to run a bit to calm down."
He smiled at him.
"Damn… I'm going to do my internship at NASA."
"Well done," said Tetsurō.
He opened his arms and Oikawa, for once, made no comment and accepted the hug.
"Yes, congratulations Oikawa," added Chris.
"Do you know which site you'll be going to? When?"
"No, not yet, everything still needs to be organized, but… it's…" He started jumping around again, "Ohh, I have to tell Iwaizumi… and Kōshi… Oh, he must be at Karasu right now… I'm going to go tell him." He turned on his heels and started heading for the subway.
He turned back, noticing no one was following him:
"You're coming?"
Chris and Tetsurō exchanged a look and finally followed their friend.
When they reached their destination, Sugawara, who was busy taking an order behind the counter, immediately noticed their presence. His face lit up with a smile and he left his customer to run towards them.
"Did you already tell him?" Kuroo asked, surprised by his reaction.
"No..."
"Then what's..."
Sugawara had just thrown himself at Tetsurō like a cannonball, hugging him tightly.
"Oh, hello to you too," the brunet began, returning the hug. "What have I done to deserve this greeting?"
"Don't play innocent, my profile didn't end up in Akaashi Tsubaki's sights by accident."
"Oh, she contacted you already?"
"Yes! This morning! I can't believe it, it's..."
He tightened the hug, and Kuroo lost his breath for a moment.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you..."
"I'm not really the one you should thank you know."
He didn't listen and continued his affectionate suffocation attempts.
"What's going on?" Oikawa finally asked.
"Akaashi's sister... She's his sister, right?"
"Yes."
"Akaashi's sister offered me a position in her after-school care program."
"Seriously? That's awesome!" Oikawa exclaimed, sincerely happy for his friend, opening his arms to hug him as well.
"I didn't have to do much, Tsubaki-san wasn't hard to convince."
"Congratulations, Sugawara," Chris interjected. "A lot of good news today."
"What do you mean?" the silver-haired asked.
Oikawa smiled at him.
"What?"
"You're looking at a future intern at... NASA."
Kuroo saw Sugawara's eyes widen.
"Seriously!"
Oikawa nodded. It was his turn to endure the affectionate suffocation, and he didn't seem to mind at all.
"That's amazing! Have you told Iwaizumi yet?"
"Not yet, I got the answer barely an hour ago."
"You should have seen the scene he made," Tetsurō commented.
"Well, you'll tell me all about it later. I still have some work to do... And then let's celebrate"
Five hours later, Kuroo found himself completely tipsy in Kenma's car. Waking up the next day was painful, and his two hours of organic chemistry even more so. Yes, student life wasn't always easy. Maybe he wouldn't remember a single word from his classes in a few years, but he was sure he'd remember this much longer.
-/-
And then, it was the weekend: the perfect opportunity to do a little gardening, learn a new language, or start painting the roof of the living room Sistine Chapel style, the possibilities were endless!
Tetsurō could have used his time in a billion different ways, but no, he chose to rot on the couch and watch TV.
As he started drifting off, Kenma came to sit beside him. He opened one eye to see what he was doing: just sitting there, watching the awful show with him. Eventually, Kenma caught his gaze:
"Weren't you supposed to study?" asked the blond.
He grimaced.
"Yeah… but I don't feel like it…"
"Don't you have a test on Monday?"
"No… Why? Did I say that?"
Kenma raised an eyebrow:
"That's what you told Keiji and Kōtarō."
Oops. Well, maybe he... twisted the truth a little. His two boyfriends had decided to spend the weekend with their respective families, and maybe he had lied a little to avoid leaving the house... Not that he didn't like their families, no. But after meeting Keiji's parents a week ago, he had to admit that the idea of facing not only Keiji's parents but also Kōtarō's, along with their whole parade of siblings, had left him a bit winded. Maybe another time, but right now, he needed some rest...
"Ok, I lied… Well, not really… I did need to study, but I'm just tired right now."
"Hmm…"
Tetsurō propped himself up on his elbows.
"And you? Weren't you supposed to work too?"
"Tonight."
"Oh… okay."
"I had an appointment with my therapist this afternoon."
"Oh… okay. Do you want me to come with you? Well, not with you, like in the room, I mean, in the car and…"
Kenma shook his head.
"I'm not going…"
Tetsurō sat up.
"Kenma… are you sure that's a good idea?"
He didn't want to force anything on him, but they had talked about it. Kenma knew that he needed help. Help that his mates and he might not be able to provide.
"I know, Ji, I know. It's just that…"
"That?"
The blonde sighed.
"It makes me anxious and... I don't have the energy to explain myself."
"To explain what?"
"Ji… I'm an asexual omega in a relationship with three men, do you think many therapists get that?"
"You know, you don't have to explain yourself, and besides, it's…"
"I've already changed four times," Kenma cut in, "each time I get either borderline homophobic comments or invalidating ones, or… well, I'm just tired."
"I get that, but…"
"But what? I don't have the time or energy for that."
"Kenma…"
"The last one is… not too bad, but… I feel like I have to justify everything about myself, or she says things that are off the mark, and that…"
"Okay, okay… But it might take some time to find someone that works, you know. I know it's not easy right now, but once you find the right person, it will really be worth it… Kōtarō says the same…"
"I know, I know, I know… I really don't need this right now, Ji."
"Okay… Okay, I understand, no worries. Take your time."
Kenma nodded. He shifted to lie down next to him. Kuroo ran a hand through his hair.
"I… wanted to ask you something."
"Hmm?"
"Um… it might be a huge mistake… but I want to try."
Tetsurō frowned.
"Wha… what is it?"
Kenma sighed. He stood up, disappeared into his room, and returned a few moments later. On the coffee table, he placed an object that looked like an essential oil diffuser wrapped in plastic.
"What's that?"
"A chemical pacifier."
Tetsurō's eyes widened.
"What are you doing with that?"
"Um… I read a few things and I thought it might be a good idea…"
"I have to say, right now, it doesn't look like a good idea, Kenma…"
"I know, but listen. These things are connected to my traumatic memories; if I can... reconsolidate these memories differently, by reactivating them and adding positive emotions, I think it might... improve things... I'm not saying it will magically solve everything, but..."
Tetsurō made a face. It was well wrapped, he could give that to Kenma, but still, it didn't sound like a good idea at all.
"Kenma, I'm not sure that…"
"I know, I know, it doesn't sound great… But I'm not in my cycle, I react much better when I'm in my normal state… And I'll be with you…"
"I…"
"I was going to do it anyway, I just thought it would be easier with you."
Kuroo was torn; he was absolutely, positively sure this was a bad idea. Kenma seemed determined… And if he was going to make a huge mistake, he'd rather be there for it.
"Okay… what do I need to do?"
"Nothing… just hold me."
The blonde held his gaze for a moment.
"Okay," Tetsurō finally said.
The silence stretched for a few seconds.
"Do you want to do this now?"
Kenma nodded slowly.
Tetsurō didn't comment and sat up. He grabbed the pacifier from the table.
"What are you doing?" asked his boyfriend, seeing him head to the kitchen.
Kuroo didn't answer and simply showed him the scissors he had just retrieved. He opened the thick plastic surrounding the device.
"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Kenma asked quietly.
He caught his gaze and held it for a long moment. Finally, Tetsurō sighed.
"It's fine with me… I'm not sure it's a good idea, but I trust you."
Kenma looked away, nodding vaguely.
They found themselves side by side in the hallway.
"Why don't we go to my room instead?" Kuroo interjected as the blond was about to open his bedroom's door.
"Why?" Kenma asked, confused.
"Well, if we set this up," he pointed to the pacifier "the smell will linger in the room for a while. It's better if it's in my room; I can't smell it anyway."
Kenma seemed to consider this.
"It doesn't bother you?"
"No, I wouldn't have suggested it otherwise; it's fine with me."
Kuroo quickly picked up on the unease in his lover's voice. Kenma was determined to go through with it, but he wasn't doing so without apprehension.
"Okay… I'll join you upstairs."
Tetsurō nodded and complied. Once in his room, he left the pacifier near the electrical outlet and did a quick scan of the room with his eyes. He tidied up the clothes scattered around and piled the rest into a corner. Kenma finally appeared, bringing his speakers and his patchwork duvet. They pushed the bed against the back wall, and Kenma spread the duvet on the floor. Tetsurō watched him. He waited. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do or what to expect; he just needed to be there for Kenma, so he waited. Relaxing music mixed with the sound of wind, a torrent, distant singing, and tinkling filled the room.
"Okay."
Kenma took a deep breath. He closed his eyes and remained still for a few seconds. Finally, he turned and went to plug in the pacifier. Tetsurō watched him, feeling his heart tighten in his chest. It really didn't seem like a good idea; he wasn't sure that accepting this would actually benefit Kenma. What if he was making a huge mistake? He calmed down as he met his lover's gaze, who smiled at him. Kenma undressed, just keeping his boxer on. Mimicking him, Tetsurō did the same.
"Sit cross-legged," Kenma instructed him.
He complied. Their eyes locked, and Kuroo watched as his lover approached him, sitting on his legs and wrapping his own around his waist. Tetsurō felt Kenma's hands on his back, his own hands followed the same path. They ended up with their foreheads touching, their eyes never leaving each other. The blonde began to breathe deeply, and Tetsurō followed suit until their breathing rhythms were completely synchronized.
As time slowly seemed to become static, the music around them filled their minds so much that it became inaudible.
There was only the two of them, their gazes, their breaths, which gradually blended as they merged into one another, becoming inseparable. Kuroo felt like his body was evaporating, becoming light.
Yet he was aware of every inhale, the air filling his lungs, Kenma's, his gaze on him. There were two of them, but the two entities they formed interwove so perfectly that they became almost insubstantial. There was no longer a "me," a "him," or a "us": just "this," immense, overwhelming, yet so gentle.
They reached a state of ataraxia, their resonance becoming so perfect, so harmonized that it formed a single unit, vibrating to the rhythm of their breaths. They remained like this for a long time, perhaps hours; Kuroo no longer knew.
He finally came back to himself when Kenma broke eye contact. He closed his eyes, struggling. His breath had begun to quicken, and he was shaking. Tetsurō took a deep breath, and Kenma followed, exhaling together, and then starting again.
Heavy tears streamed down Kenma's face. Tetsurō detached his hands from behind his back to wipe them, gently caressing his skin. The contact seemed to soothe him.
"Do you want to stop?" he murmured.
The blond shook his head.
"No, I'm fine."
He let his head fall back against his neck, his arms holding him tightly.
"Hold me."
Kuroo complied, tightening his embrace until nothing separated them, until Kenma's heartbeat rolled under his own skin, until their rhythms mingled and resonated together, until the matter that made them each blurred, until every atom of their beings no longer felt alone.
The blonde's hands began to travel over his back, caressing it with the tips of his fingers. Tetsurō did the same. Each contact sent tiny electric shivers under his skin, the charge surging up to short-circuit his brain. Their hands eventually came to rest, satisfied with their mapping, soaked in tenderness, and they lost themselves once more in their ataraxia.
Eventually, Kenma raised his head. Their gazes met again. The blond's eyes were once more filled with tears, but they had lost their heaviness. He ran his hands over his face and kissed him. To Tetsurō, it felt like no kiss between them had ever held so much meaning.
The blond loosened the embrace, smiling at him. Kuroo felt his lips respond. His lover sat up, went to the other side of the room, unplugged the pacifier, and then turned off the music. Kenma opened the skylight, and the fresh air immediately poured in. Tetsurō watched him, his skin already feeling terribly lonely. He watched him move through the room without fully processing what he was doing. He felt like a thread had been stretched between them, holding their hearts at either end.
He had fallen in love with him long ago, and yet it felt like something new had just been created, something even more powerful. He had experienced his breath like never before; their soul had met to greet and embrace each other. Becoming imprisoned in his flesh again, so far from him, was both heartbreaking and beautiful. For knowing him to be different, separate, other, appeared as a blessing.
Kenma met his gaze again. He chuckled:
"Still high?" he asked with a smirk.
It took the brunet a second to regain the ability to talk:
"Yes… I… Whoa…"
The blonde chuckled again.
"Yeah, it does that."
"What?"
"That…"
Silence.
"That what?"
"That… I don't know what we can call it, tantra?"
"Oh…"
How was he so high? On what? Endorphins?
"And… did it work?"
Kenma shrugged.
"I don't know… maybe."
He moved closer and sat between his legs, resting his back on Kuroo's chest.
"At first no, but... I ended up disconnecting from it... I think it's a good thing. I'll see if it changes things when I'm in cycle... I'm not going to believe in miracles, but... We'll see in a few months. Normally we'd have to do it several times, but... We'll see."
"Hmm."
The blond let his head fall onto Tetsurō's neck. The latter smiled at him before planting a kiss on his lips.
"Thank you… for trusting me."
"Thank you for being here."
They hugged again.
"Yeah, so, we might want to take a shower pretty soon, 'cause believe it or not, artificial pheromones stink"
"I'll have to take your word for it"
"Well, I'm telling you, you stink"
"You're hurting my feelings."
"How unfortunate, darling."
Kuroo burst into laughter.
"Are you stealing Keiji's lines now?"
"It's not just his lines I've stolen…"
"Hmm, what else?"
"Well, his lovers, for starters."
Kuroo snickered.
"It's not stealing; it's sharing."
"Marxism, a real plague. What would my poor mother say."
They laughed together.
"Well… Let's shower and then we can watch a movie or something."
"Weren't you supposed to stream tonight?"
"Nah… I don't feel like it anymore."
Kuroo shook his head, and they left the room.
They spent hours on the couch, slumped against each other. Tetsurō couldn't remember a single detail about the movies they watched, and so did Kenma.
After a while, Tetsurō looked up, taking the time to look at his boyfriend.
Is this what it means to be bound to someone?
He smiled at this thought. He let his head fall back on Kenma's chest and fell asleep.
-/-
Tetsurō looked up from his phone when he heard a car stop in front of him. A broad smile spread across his face as he recognized Keiji at the wheel of Kenma's car. He quickly opened the door and threw himself across the seat to grab his lover's face in his hands.
"Hey love," he murmured before kissing him.
He felt Keiji smile against his lips.
"Hello to you too," Keiji replied, "you're in a good mood."
"I missed you," Tetsurō exclaimed, leaning in again to kiss him.
Keiji turned off the engine so he could return the kiss properly.
They both jumped when the car behind them honked. Without further ado, they pulled apart, though not without chuckling like a couple of idiots, buckled their seatbelts, and Keiji started the car again.
"How was your weekend?" Tetsurō asked as he adjusted his seatbelt.
"Good. A bit tiring, but pleasant nonetheless. Did you have any trouble without the car?"
"Nah… I think Kenma actually liked having an excuse not to leave the house."
Keiji rolled his eyes.
"I am not sure he needs excuses for that."
"Yeah… And Kōtarō? Any news?"
"He did not have class today, so he stayed a little longer. His parents are dropping him off tonight."
"Okay."
Silence fell between them. Kuroo couldn't take his eyes off his lover. It had only been three days since he'd last seen him, but damn, he missed him.
Damn it, he loved him.
Feeling watched, Keiji briefly turned away from the traffic to glance at Tetsurō. The latter was smiling softly, his gaze overflowing with tenderness.
Kuroo raised an eyebrow when Keiji let out a soft laugh.
"What?"
"Nothing…"
"You're judging me! Am I not allowed to be thrilled to see you? I love you and I missed you", he leaned in to kiss him on the cheek, "You didn't miss me?"
"Of course I did."
"Well then."
"Behave yourself, we are going to visit kids," Keiji said, still smiling. "Did you manage to find Tsubaki's things?"
"Yep" Tetsurō opened his backpack, "a green notebook and a black sweater, was that all?"
His boyfriend let out a sigh of relief.
"Thank you… I thought she would strangle me when I told her I forgot to bring them with me." he made a face, "if it was that important, she should not have forgotten them in the first place…"
"The ravages of alcohol."
"Hmm…"
"So, are we going to where she works at?"
"Yes, she should be finishing soon."
Kuroo nodded.
"Sugawara leaves nearby, right?"
"Hmm, yeah, I think so. Why?"
"We could pick him up on the way, he could meet Tsubaki and see where she works. It is not very… formal, but still."
"Wouldn't it be better to ask your sister first?"
"She is the one who suggested it in the first place when she texted me earlier. Not sure if she was serious though, but still."
"Well, okay then! I'll call him, see if he's around"
Tetsurō pulled out his phone and searched for his friend's number in his contacts. It took Sugawara less than ten seconds to pick up.
"Kuroo?"
"Hey, are you home?"
"Yeah, why?"
"We have to drop some stuff off at Keiji's sister's. We thought we could pick you up on the way, just to get to know each other, nothing formal, but..."
"Really! Uh… Okay, okay! Yes! I… Wait."
He heard sounds of clattering and commotion on the other end of the line.
"Okay, okay, we'll come pick you up, but chill, it's all really informal" he hung up
"Well, I think he's up for it."
"Perfect."
After a brief detour, they stopped in front of their friend's apartment building. Keiji parked on the side of the road."
"I'll ring the bell to let him know we're here, just wait," Kuroo said as he got out of the car.
It took him a moment to find the doorbell, but his gaze quickly found the label with the names "Sugawara/Sawamura," and he pressed the small button next to it.
"Yes?"
"It's me."
"Oh, uh okay, wait… Well, come up, the code is 541236."
"Wait, I'll wait for you…"
He waited a few seconds but quickly realized he might as well go up directly to find him. He entered the code and went inside. Once on the 3rd floor, he began to question his notoriously bad memory: was it 34 or 36? He didn't have to rack his brain for long, instantly recognizing the "Please, fuck off" doormat in front of apartment 34. A gift from Oikawa. He chuckled and knocked on the door.
"Come in, it's open! "
"Ojama shimasu…" Kuroo announced as he opened the door.
"Is this okay? Does it look too formal?"
Sugawara had just burst into the entryway, his hair disheveled, dressed in an elegant white shirt and dark gray dress pants.
"Uh…"
"No, you're right, too formal, wait…"
He went back, already unbuttoning his shirt.
"And this? It's better, right? It looks professional but not too much, what do you think?"
He reappeared, this time wearing jeans and a white shirt with a round collar embroidered with flowers.
Kuroo smiled.
"It looks very good on you."
"Really?"
"Hmm… You look like a preschool teacher. In a good way."
"Perfect, that's what I was going for."
He fixed his hair and studied his reflection in the mirror.
"Okay, well, we can go. I just need to put on my shoes."
Tetsurō moved aside.
"Oh wait, my bag."
He took off his shoes and went back to his room.
At that moment, someone knocked on the door.
"Damn it, who's that? Can you open the door?"
"It might be Keiji who..."
He trailed off: Oikawa was standing in front of him.
"Oh… Kuroo, I didn't expect to see you here."
The brunet frowned. His friend's voice was weak, dejected.
"Oik…"
"Who's that?" Suga reappeared with his bag, "Tōru? What are you doing here?"
"Oh, you were about to leave… Sorry, I'm dropping by unexpectedly, I…"
Okay, things were starting to get weird: Oikawa was apologizing?
Something was very wrong.
"I'll come back later."
Just as he turned to leave, Sugawara asked:
"Tōru, what's going on?"
Oikawa stopped. Without turning to them, he said:
"Um... Nothing, it's... I'll be back, don't worry."
"Tōru?"
His shoulder dropped and he turned around, keeping his eyes down and rubbing his arm nervously.
"Tōru... Look at me."
He complied.
"What is it? Are you ok?"
Sugawara looked deeply concerned. Oikawa held his gaze for a few seconds before bursting into tears.
"Oh…"
Oikawa threw himself at his friend, and Sugawara opened his arms to hug him.
"He doesn't want to come with me… He won't come…"
"Oh…"
"What if I don't want to stay here forever?! What does that mean?! What should I do?"
"Tōru, it's just for a few months…"
"No, damn it Kōshi, it's going to kill me!"
His voice broke into a new wave of tears.
"It's going to kill me, I'm going to freaking die, damn it !"
"No, no… Shh…"
Sugawara tightened his embrace, rocking his friend in his arms. He looked up and caught Kuroo's gaze.
"Sorry, I… I'll stay with him… Um… thanks. Sorry."
"It's nothing… I'll leave you two then… Keiji's waiting for me downstairs."
"Okay… Tell him I'm sorry."
He nodded. He squeezed Oikawa's shoulder to convey his support. The latter detached himself from their friend, and squeezed his hand for a second, before hugging Sugawara again.
"Take care."
Kuroo left the apartment, unsure of how to process the situation. Once back on the street, he got back into the car.
"Is he not coming?"
"Um… No. Not this time."
"Oh… alright."
The car started up again.
"Did something happen?"
"We were about to leave, but Oikawa arrived, and Suga stayed to comfort him."
"Comfort him?"
"Um… I told you he's doing his internship at NASA, right? I don't know exactly where, but it's far away… He wanted Iwaizumi to follow him, I guess, but he said no apparently."
"Oh…"
"I mean, I get it, he has a job here, he can't just leave! That doesn't mean he'll never move... Well, I think, I don't know, I don't have the whole story. But still… He's being a bit of a drama queen, I think… He kept saying he was going to die. It's romantic but come on. I understand it hurts… But isn't it a bit dramatic?"
"Maybe… But…"
"But?"
Keiji sighed; his gaze fixed on the road.
"But not impossible."
Kuroo frowned.
"A broken heart has never killed anyone… Well, maybe indirectly, but… it's not that bad… I mean, he didn't dump him! He just... He's not gonna die if they stay apart for a few months, right?"
"Maybe not, but…"
"But what?"
Keiji sighed again.
"You know what happens when an alpha feels abandoned…"
Tetsurō's eyes widened:
"A torpor…"
He hadn't thought about that.
"Oh…"
Now he could understand why Oikawa was so shaken.
"Especially with this kind of bond," Keiji added.
Kuroo frowned again:
"What kind of bond?"
"His mate is a beta, right?"
"Yes, and?"
"Well, it is more... delicate."
"How so?"
"Um… In this case, synchronization is more complicated and a bit more one-sided. It does not change anything else, but… in this kind of situation, I imagine it can cause distress."
Kuroo's eyes widened. He hadn't expected to hear this from his boyfriend.
"Oh…"
One-sided?
Tetsurō had ended up forgetting something crucial: betas can't be bound. Not like that. That's what he'd always been told.
So yes, it would inevitably be one-sided…
He hadn't thought of that before…
He felt as if his body, terribly heavy, was collapsing on itself.
He hadn't thought about that.
He was a beta.
He turned his gaze to Keiji.
What did that mean for him? For them?
He felt his throat tighten.
He knew. He had known from the beginning that what his boyfriends shared with him and with each other was different. And that was only natural because they were different. After all, they were just at the beginning of their stories. Building a relationship took time, it wouldn't happen in the blink of an eye! To compare their relationships would be stupid!
He felt a tremendous weight fall upon him.
He hadn't thought he would ever feel this: was he… jealous?
But there was no point in being jealous!
He shouldn't compare; it was neither comparable nor measurable!
Yet there was a difference between knowing that he wasn't there yet, and knowing that he would never be…
He would never be able to share that with them. And even if his boyfriends bonded with him, it would only cause them distress in the long run.
Realizing it was brutal.
He felt so small now… And he felt so selfish: his friend was in pain, and this was the only thing that he could think about?
He wanted to cry. The pain in his chest was unbearable.
"Is everything okay?"
"I…"
Shh, keep it to yourself, a voice in his head commanded.
"I just worry about Oikawa. I hope everything will work out in the end."
Keep it to yourself.
-end of the chapter-
Next chapter : Back Home 2
"Hmmm?"
Tetsurō chuckled at the sound of his sister's sleepy voice.
"Katsu-Katsu, it's 10 a.m., time to wake up!"
"Oh, shut up."
His sister opened the door a few moments later, wearing fleece pajamas and a faded sweatshirt, her hair a mess and her eyes still heavy with sleep. He chuckled at the sight of her. Just as he was about to comment, Kasumi let out a long, sleepy groan and hugged him.
"A hug! What did I do to deserve such an honor?"
"I'm just happy to see my big brother, isn't that allowed?"