II - I Knew You Were Trouble (Chloe's POV)
It seems like every conversation I had with Red where she brought up her childhood made my heart break even more for her. Hearing her talk about how she grew up so nonchalantly as if it were normal made my heart hurt in ways I didn't understand. To treat someone so horribly, let alone someone like her.
When it didn't make me want to cry it infuriated me. I'd wanted to run my sword through the Queen of Hearts myself when I'd heard the worst of Red's childhood. Or what I thought was the worst. Every time I thought she'd told me the most horrible thing that's happened to her at the hands of her mother, I'm proven wrong.
I can't sleep. My date with Henry was fine, not super exciting but not bad either. I didn't feel anything toward him but as long as I kept up the image that I was interested in guys nobody would suspect otherwise. I grew up hearing about nothing else but meeting my prince one day and following in my mother's footsteps - literally - but not a single boy ever caught my attention. None of them gave me butterflies in my stomach like I was told they should. Every time I looked at a conventionally attractive guy, I felt nothing.
I always thought that meant I was broken, that I wasn't like everyone else. But that was until one of my friends told me she liked both girls and boys. I didn't know I could choose who I married. Once she told me, I did all the research I could, I needed to know everything before I came to a decision about what I was.
Nobody knows. I haven't even said it out loud because I'm mortified someone might hear. Not a single soul knows I like girls. Not my parents, not Chad, not even Red. I feel safe enough with all of them, I'm just not ready yet. And what if me being gay makes Red hate me? What if she wants to change dorms because she thinks I'll try to hit on her? I can't lose the one person who's ever seen the worst of me. It would hurt too much.
Eventually my anxiety worried me into a light sleep, but not long enough before my alarm clock started screaming at me to get up.
"Chloe, turn that fucking shit off," Red mumbles from underneath her pile of covers, pulling them and her pillow over her head.
"Red! Stop swearing," I order at her while I get up, complying with her demand and shutting off the alarm. "You can stay in bed until I'm ready and then I'm waking you up."
"M'kay," Red huffs from under the covers. As I get ready for the day I can hear Red snoring softly. The only time she ever looked truly peaceful was when she was asleep, except for the rare occasions she wakes up screaming from nightmares and I have to help her calm down.
The nightmares have gotten to be less and less frequent over time and I'm grateful for that for both mine and Red's sanity. When we first started school it was nearly every night she'd wake up at least once, either screaming or in a fit of tears, drenched in cold sweat and her heart pounding.
"Red, come on, get up. You're gonna be late," I say as I nudge her underneath her mountain of covers. She groans loudly and dramatically gets out of bed, stumbling into the bathroom, probably still half asleep. When she comes back out five minutes later all she needs to do is get dressed. Neither of us are particularly shy, and I have to change in front of other girls all the time at Swords and Shields so she just changes out here in our room, grabbing whatever she wants from the closet.
It's hard but I have to fight to not stare at her. Even with clothes on it's hard not to stare. I wonder if this is what it's like for other girls when they have crushes on guys. The way her curves seem to be accentuated when she has nothing on should be the opposite. Clothes should make someone more beautiful, but for her it was different. She looked better when she was just Red, not Red, Princess of Hearts.
Today she decided on simple, black ripped skinny jeans and a red tank top with her long-sleeve fishnet shirt underneath it. She pulls out some red and black high tops from the bottom of the closet and laces them up. Geez, at this point my closet is nothing but glass, I'm staring at her so hard.
"Kay, I'm done," Red says, standing up. "You okay, Chloe? You're staring at me like you wanna eat me." she laughs at that last part, and I cringe internally.
My cheeks turn hot, "Yeah, sorry. I just got caught up in my train of thought." I hoped she believed the lie. Everyone else seemed to.
It was between classes and I was standing at my locker, Red right bedside me as always, when Henry popped up on my left side.
"Hey, Chloe," Henry smiles, his bright teeth flashing as he turns on the charm he uses for every other girl in school.
"Hey," is all I can manage to say back.
"So…since yesterday went so well, do you maybe wanna hang out at my place after school?" Henry asks. I want to say no, I want to scream it, shout it from the rooftops. But I don't. Instead I smile happily and say, "Of course! I'd love to!" Even though I'd really rather be in my dorm with Red doing anything else. I can only imagine what Red will think of me going to his place after school.
"Oh, cool. I'll send you the info?" Henry says, looking for my approval, so I smile and nod. He sighs in relief, "Sweet, I'll see you later." And just like that, he's gone. I let my smile drop for a second too long and yet Red still notices.
"You're going to his place after school? Really? And you just acted excited so why do you seem so upset about it?" Red shoots me with questions I'm not ready to answer.
"Yeah, I mean what's the worst that can happen? I got upset because I forgot I had a pop quiz today in history," I tell her, lying through my teeth. I hate it, lying to Red. Every time I do I feel guilty about it and it makes me feel worse. Her eyes linger on my face, trying to read what's going on inside my head. She can tell something's off but not quite what.
"I'll see you later? I'll share my location with you so you know I don't die, too," I add in the last part to appease her. I was going to do it anyway but telling her would make her feel a little more comfortable with the situation.
"Fine," Red says. "Be safe, Chlo. I'll see you when you get home." I love when she calls our dorm home, it makes it seem like it actually is home. It makes me feel bubbly inside when I walk into my room and Red is there, waiting for me, or sleeping, or just there in general. It feels like I'm supposed to be there.
I soon found out the worst that could happen. After my classes were done for the day and Henry sent me his dorm info, I went there and before long he'd shoved his tongue down my throat. He'd said he wanted to make out and if I was gonna be his girlfriend it would be me anyway. So here I am, lying on his stupidly uncomfortable bed with his heavy, sweaty body over me while his tongue is practically in my throat. Kissing him is how I imagine Tiana felt as a frog, slimy. My mind is in another place, thinking of someone else.
It's horrible to be thinking of someone else when you're kissing a completely different person. All I can think about is going back to my own dorm, showering and getting him off me before settling in with Red for the night. We'd probably watch a movie together on my laptop on her bed like we always do on Friday nights.
I can finally breathe again. He takes his mouth off mine and starts kissing my neck. Although kissing is a loose term, I would sooner say he was slobbering all over my neck like a dog than actually kissing it. He's so busy at my neck that he doesn't even realize the look of disgust I have painted on my face. Before anything else can register in my mind I feel his hand slide up my thighs, all the way up between my legs.
He's touching me.
He's touching me and I don't like it. His hand feels too heavy and gross. I feel dirty after having his touch there. He's never even touched my skin but I still feel violated. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I can do. I want him off me. I need him off me. His other hand starts sliding up the side of my body, trying to get to my breasts and take my shirt off. I can't do it anymore. I can't fake it. He can't keep touching me.
I gather all my strength and shove him off me. He's taken aback when the girl he's just been feeling up and slobbering on throws him so hard he falls off his bed.
"What the fuck was that for?" he bellows out, clearly angry at me.
"I'm not ready for this. For you to be touching me like that," I blurt out.
"Well if we're gonna go to Castlecoming together and you're gonna be my girlfriend you're just gonna have to get used to it," Henry says, adjusting his pants.
"I don't want to date you! And I'm not going to Castlecoming with you. I wanted you to get off me, you perv," I bit out. "Don't ever talk to me again, asshole." I stormed out of his room, slamming the door shut behind me.
I keep my pace quick and I realize I'm stomping my feet. I realize I must look pissed because everyone in the hallway moves out of my way. There's only one thing on my mind that will make me less…angry. There's only one person on my mind that will make me feel better, and so I head home, straight to my dorm where Red is waiting for me.
When I finally reach my dorm I pull out my key, jamming it in the lock and jerking the door open, slamming it behind me. It's a second too late when I realize I shouldn't have slammed the door and I see Red jump up and whirl her head in my direction even though logically she knows it can only be me coming into our room. In less than a second she knows I'm upset.
"Chloe what's wrong?" her face quickly turns distraught, wanting to comfort me and make me feel better, even though no one did the same for her when she was young.
"Nothing," I grumble. "I'm fine." I didn't want to tell her. I knew I would, but that still didn't mean I wanted her to look at me differently. I needed her to stay in my life, and that meant no changes. She couldn't think of me as any different than when we met.
"Chloe. Don't lie to me. What happened?" she gets us from where she sat watching TV, coming over to me, concern all over her face. "Please?"
That one little question. That's all she had to do to make me do whatever she wanted. I look down at the floor and realize I definitely need to sweep. I'm nervous, biting my lip and fidgeting with my fingers. Red takes my hands in hers, trying to calm my anxiety.
"Henry touched me," is all I can manage to say. I can't look at her but I glance up at her quickly and I see a look of horror on her face, her jaw hanging open in shock. All I can do is stare at the floor.
"He what?" Red asks, still in disbelief
"He touched me. Between my legs," I say quietly. Red is still standing there and I don't know how to read her. Her facial expression doesn't look like one I've ever seen before. And she's quiet, she's never quiet when she's upset.
"Chloe," Red says my name calmly, too calm. "Where is his dorm?"
"Red, no. Please don't start anything you can't finish. I don't want you getting in trouble or getting hurt." I pleaded with her.
"You think I won't be able to take him? Did you forget who my mother was? Chloe, he assaulted you. He needs to learn he can't touch you," Red says, anger hot in her voice as she storms toward the door.
"Red, please," is all I can manage to get out before a stray tear slips my eye and I'm grabbing her arm to hold her back. I didn't even feel my eyes well up, and once one tear fell, so did the others. Before I know it Red wraps her arms around me and I'm sobbing. Full, body-rocking sobs consume me. Even as I'm shaking and falling apart, Red still holds me, keeping me from falling apart entirely. I feel shame, and guilty, like I led him on and made him think I wanted it. But I'd never said yes, and we'd only gone on one date. I wasn't ready for that yet. The tightness of her arms around me makes me feel safe, calm even. As she holds me my body slows itself without even trying.
When I finally compose myself somewhat I pull away from where I buried my face in Red's chest. There's red splotches all over her chest from where I'd laid my face and my tears were still wet on her skin. "Go take a nice hot shower, and then come out here and we'll stay in tonight."
I take the hottest shower I can manage without scorching my skin. I scrub my body down until the mixture of heat and friction makes me red. I shut off the water when it starts running cold. I throw on a pair of pale blue pajamas and my hair into a messy bun.
Walking into our room I see Red lying on her bed in her own pajamas. She's scrolling on her laptop for something for us to watch. When she notices me standing in our room, she motions for me to join her on her bed. I walk over to her and lay down on her bed. She puts her arm around me and presses "play" on her laptop. I feel safe as she holds me, like nothing bad could hurt me.
"What are we watching?" I ask her.
"I don't know," she says nonchalantly. "I put on a comedy." She covers us with a blanket and snuggles me in closer to her.
We watch the movie but I can't seem to focus on anything but Red and our closeness. She's starting to doze off when I need to ask her a question.
"Red," I ask quietly.
"Hm," she says, waking up a little.
"Why are you so calm about this?" I ask. Instead of an answer, I get silence for a moment. It takes her a minute to come up with an answer for me.
"Because it's what you wanted. You never said it but I thought that maybe being calm would make you feel better than acting like… my mom before we fixed her," she answers.
She was right. I didn't ask her to stay calm, but she did. She did it for me. I felt warm inside when I realized what she was doing. She was holding herself back for me. She was holding me. All I knew was that I didn't want to leave this spot. Ever.
Before long, I fell asleep in Red's arms, and it was the best sleep I'd ever had.