A/N: Hello everyone, got a special new story for you, requested by my good friend nightmaster000 as a birthday present. Specifically, he wanted an Invader Zim-based take on the classic Danny Phantom fic, The Many Dates of Danny Phantom. I'm not sure if this project will end up going on as long as that epic-length thing did, but I figured I could at least get it started.
So, happy birthday, Night! Hope you enjoy the start of this fic, and the same goes for all the rest of you too.
Oh, and small note. I am once again using the name "Doomsville" for the city that IZ takes place in, but this is NOT compliant with New Adventures. I just really like the name.
Disclaimer: I do not own Invader Zim, and for future reference, I don't own any of the other series that'll pop up in this story either.
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The Many Dates of Invader Zim
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It was another day in Doomsville. Which is to say that the air was thick with smog that turned the sky red more often than not, garbage was piled on the streets, and most of the population wandered from place to place in dull-witted mindlessness. All-in-all, it was as it usually was, a monument to urban decay and human stupidity.
And at the local high school (or "Hi Skool" as it was called for some reason no one had ever understood), the students were likewise going through a normal, grueling day of so-called education. Going from one classroom to another, listening to teachers who were either apathetic or too hyper-focused on the wrong subjects, force-feeding themselves the disgusting slop provided in the cafeteria, getting their bodies broken in gym class, and worst of all, having to deal with bathrooms that everyone was pretty sure hadn't been cleaned since the Nixon administration.
Things were particularly bad for the students of Miss Bitters' homeroom, who as always had to deal with the old crone's utter nihilism on top of everything else. Why they still had to deal with her year after year, long after they'd moved on from the middle school hell that they'd first encountered her in, no one quite knew. Some thought they were cursed to contend with her throughout their school lives… though if one were to ask Miss Bitters, she was the one cursed to have to deal with all these little idiots, year in and year out.
But regardless of whom was cursed to be with whom, the fact was that the same group of students was sitting in that room as there'd always been, all of whom had long since resigned themselves to the normal routine of things. They would come in, listen to Miss Bitters drone on about the meaningless nature of life, deal with whatever weirdness that Zim and Dib threw at each other in their never-ending feud, and then flee the building to head home for the daily reprieve from all of this. That was how things had gone for years, and no one thought that it was likely to change any time soon.
But today, something very different was going to break up that routine in a very noticeable way…
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"Alright, you pests, shut up and sit down!" Miss Bitters hissed as she swept into the room, barely slowing down to arch an eyebrow at the sight of Dib and Zim, paused in the middle of what appeared to be a slap fight over a large device. Judging by the purple color, it was one of Zim's inventions, and Dib had been trying to stop him from carrying out whatever his latest idiotic plan was. And also judging by how bored the rest of the class looked, none of them cared about whatever had just been happening.
"But Miss Bitters, Zim was-!" Dib tried to protest, only for the crone to cut him.
"I don't care! Take your seat!" she snapped, tone leaving no room for argument and quickly having Dib retreating to his own desk while Zim sat smugly at his.
"Can't you at least confiscate that device of his for safety? …And maybe show it to some interested authorities while you're at it?" Dib asked as he sat down, the mischievous glint in his eyes immediately wiping the smirk off of Zim's face.
"Er, uh, what device?! Zim has no device!" Zim shouted, rapidly pressing buttons on the side of the large device he was clearly holding before tossing it out a nearby window.
BOOM
Where it promptly exploded, leaving a smoking crater just outside of the building.
"See? Zim has no incredibly brilliant device far outside of the comprehension of pitiful human minds to create!" the Irken crowed, seemingly unphased by having had to abandon his plan of the week.
"Seriously, did no one notice that? At all?" Dib demanded, his eye twitching slightly.
"Dib, shut up about Zim, no one cares!" Miss Bitters growled, her limited patience having already worn out.
"But, I-"
"That's it! One more word, and you'll not just get detention, but spend it cleaning the bathrooms with a toothbrush!" she snarled, immediately shutting Dib up and making him sink in his seat, Zim and several of the other students openly laughing at his predicament.
"Now then, with that nonsense out of the way, we can move on to the more irritating school-sponsored nonsense instead," Miss Bitters stated, not sounding any happier about the change of subject, "I'm unfortunately required to announce a special event that the Skool Board has concocted, which this class has been selected to be the guinea pigs for."
"What?!" Zim exclaimed, "Zim refuses to be experimented on! Do it with all these other inferior human pig-smellies that I am also one of but superior to in every way!"
"Calm down, you idiot, it's not an experiment!" Miss Bitters snapped, before pausing and considering her words before adding, "Well, not like you're screeching about, anyway, more of a social experiment. All of you are to sign up for a dating service and spend the next month going on dates with your assigned matches, at the end of which you'll write a report on your experiences."
"Wait, the school wants to hook us up with dates?" Zita asked, voicing the class's collective confusion.
"Hey, I don't need help getting a date!" Torque said with a scoff and a scowl.
"Yeah right," Aki muttered, rolling her eyes.
"Who said that?!" Torque demanded defensively, looking around in anger.
"I don't care about whether you walking puddles of hormones need help in finding people willing to tolerate you," Miss Bitters stated dryly, "The board has decided that this is apparently a good way to test your so-called social skills. What you do beyond the month of dates and the report on it is not my problem."
"Wait, why is it just our class doing this instead of the whole school?" Dib demanded, his eyes narrowing suspiciously as his conspiracy theorist mind immediately picked up on that specific detail.
In response, Miss Bitters scowled, thinking back to when this project had first been proposed to her…
Two Days Earlier
"This is the stupidest idea I've ever heard from you morons. And that is saying something," Miss Bitters sneered at the members of the Skool Board gathered in the Principal's shadowy office like the bad guys in a spy movie. Case in point, the Principal himself was petting some small furry animal whose species was unclear in the dim lighting, looking for all the world like he was about to order a death ray to be fired if his demands weren't met.
Frankly, she would have preferred if he did, and aimed for her while doing it. It would have been better than dealing with this stupidity, in her opinion.
"Come now, my dear Miss Bitters, is it really that bad to be encouraging our students to find a little love in their lives? And learn a little about society while we're at it?" the Principal replied, the old crone giving him a flat look in return.
"Oh please, spare me the false generosity, you're just trying to suck up to him," she snapped, gesturing to the last person present in the room, albeit only through a screen.
"Hmm, what was that?" Professor Membrane asked, looking up to the screen from the pad he was typing away at.
"Nothing, Professor, we were just saying how flattered we are that you chose our school as a way of enacting this experiment of yours!" the Principal declared before Miss Bitters could say anything.
"Yes, and of course also state how grateful we are for the donation to our, uh, educational fund!" another board member added happily.
"Oh, that. Of course, I'm both grateful for your cooperation, and happy to fund the education of young minds!" the Professor stated, before cocking his head and adding, "Though I am admittedly confused as to why the bank account you provided for the donation is labeled 'Skool Board Offshore Retirement Fund'."
"It's a tax write-off," the Principal said quickly, the Professor nodding in agreement.
"Ah, yes, of course," he said, making Miss Bitters roll her eyes at the supposed genius's obliviousness, "But in any case, I'm the one who should be thanking you all for agreeing to this. Presenting the use of this dating site as a school assignment means that Dib can use it without the awkwardness of me pushing him towards it!"
"Honestly, what is even the point of this?" Miss Bitters demanded, "Do you really care so much about your brat's dating life that you're willing to go through with such a ridiculously complicated scheme?"
"Well, the sad fact is that my poor insane son doesn't seem to be moving on from his obsession with all that paranormal nonsense," the Professor sighed, "I had really hoped he'd outgrow this phase by the time he reached high school, but it doesn't appear to be the case. And while I still love him as my offspring, of course, that is not what I'm looking for in an heir. So, at the very least I can find him a potential life-partner whom can eventually provide me with grandchildren that I will have another chance with to mold to enjoy the wonders of Real Science!"
"What about your daughter? Aren't you going to try and play matchmaker with her too?" a board member asked.
There was a moment of silence as everyone pondered that question. And then the entire board burst out into uproarious laughter; even Miss Bitters, while not laughing, perked the corners of her mouth up into a slight smirk.
"Hahahaha! Gaz Membrane? On a date?!" the Principal cackled, "What fantasy world are you living in?!"
"Yeah, she'd probably cause anyone who tried to ask her out to spontaneously combust from how hard she'd glare at them for it!" another board member added between laughs.
"I should probably be offended on her behalf for that statement… but the last boy who did try to ask her out is now in a padded cell at the Crazy House. Apparently, whenever he's not sedated, he's screaming about demon piggies eating his soul," Membrane sighed, "So, needless to say, between that and her fixation on gaming over anything else, I've rather given up hope on her as a solution to this problem."
"Which brings us back to the matter at hand," the Principal stated, looking evenly at Miss Bitters as she glared back at him, "You will present the use of the dating site as a class assignment that everyone has to take part in, thereby giving Dib no choice but to participate. The Professor will get his chance at matchmaking for his son, your students get a valuable life lesson, we get a big payoff… er, I mean, a valued donation. Everyone wins!"
"Except for me, since I'll have to deal with managing the hormonal morons," Miss Bitters grumbled.
"Well, that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make," the Principal said, ignoring Miss Bitters' glare, "Now then, if that's all settled, I think we can get started on getting everything set up."
"Yes sir, shouldn't be too hard to find an appropriate website that we can make use of," a board member stated, "After that, it'll be a simple matter of having Miss Bitters announce the so-called assignment, and then letting things play out."
"Excellent! Well, I'll leave you all to handle the details!" the Professor declared, before his screen shut off without another word.
"I hate all of you, just so we're clear," Miss Bitters said after a moment of silence.
"So, what else is new?" the Principal scoffed, "Look, it's not like we're asking you to personally act like the big-headed lunatic brat's personal matchmaker. After all, the Professor just paid us to set up the assignment; it's not our responsibility to see it actually pan out the way he wants. So, give the assignment, and just let things handle themselves from there."
"Fine. But for the record, I am already washing my hands of this and whatever idiocy that comes from it," Miss Bitters declared before abruptly leaving the room, already feeling a headache forming at how disgustingly excitable all the vermin in her classroom would be over the coming weeks because of this.
End Flashback
"…You don't want to know," Miss Bitters said in response to Dib's question, avoiding giving an actual answer to it. Not because she wanted to spare his feelings about his father's absurd matchmaking plans, since she didn't care about his feelings in the slightest, but she didn't have the patience for the ranting he'd probably do if she told him about it.
"That doesn't make me feel any better about this whole thing," Dib muttered, making her roll her eyes.
"I don't care," she stated flatly, before looking around the room, "Any other pointless questions or comments that I'm going to ignore anyway before we move on?"
Much to her annoyance, Zim spoke up.
"While the Dib-Stink's feelings are of course pathetic and unimportant," he stated, ignoring Dib's offended shout to keep talking, "Zim doesn't see why I should waste my precious time and energy on this search for a mate who would be far inferior to me in all ways because I am Zim!"
"Yeah, that's why you'd have trouble finding a match," Dib muttered, immediately causing Zim to glare at him.
"Are you implying that Zim couldn't find a mate if I was willing to lower my standards, Dib-Monkey?" he spat.
"Well, you're an egotistical lunatic alien who wants to conquer the Earth, so no, I don't think you could," Dib sneered.
"Yeah, I'm kinda with Dib on that," the Letter M piped up, "I mean, not the alien part, since that's crazy. But I gotta say, I don't see any girls being able to stand Zim's personality enough to date him long-term."
"He's not that bad!" Zita protested defensively, blushing as everyone looked at her, "Er, I mean… compared to Dib! He's definitely got more of a chance than Dib!"
"Hmm, yeah, can't argue with that," Brian said with a nod, "No way that Big Head manages to get a date."
"My head's not big!" Dib snapped with a scowl, "And you seriously think this green space cockroach, who doesn't even understand human customs, would have a better chance at getting a date than me?"
"Well, yeah," Sara scoffed, "Sure, he's loud and full of himself and has all those weird foreign customs of his, but you're just annoying!"
Dib sputtered incoherently at that, while Zim just laughed.
"Ha! Yes, Dib-Stink, your fellow pig-smellies – of which I am obviously one as well – clearly possess your numerical digit!" the Irken crowed.
"It's 'have your number', dumbass!" Dib snapped, "And if you think any human girl with any kind of taste, even if they can't tell your alien, would willingly go out with you, you're even more insane than I thought!"
"Oh yeah?" Zim snarled, "Well, Zim bets that by the time that this ridiculous endeavor is over, Zim will have dozens of females throwing themselves at him for the chance to be his mate, while you'll still be as sad and lonely as you are right now!"
"We'll see about that, Space Boy!" Dib declared, any suspicion or doubts he had about this whole thing being swept aside by his indignation and his natural ability to turn anything with Zim into an argument and challenge that must be treated with the same gravitas as a life-or-death battle.
Eyes rolled around the room as Zim and Dib glared daggers at each other, nobody impressed by how dramatic they were acting (and of course, completely ignoring how their own comments had egged them on). Miss Bitters, meanwhile, could only grumble in annoyance at the two morons' ongoing bickering, especially given how she could already hear the Principal gloating about how his "brilliant" plan to carry out the Professor's ludicrous agenda had played out exactly as they wanted.
Brushing that thought off, she slammed a hand onto her desk, the sharp sound immediately snapping Zim and Dib out of their stare-down and bringing everyone's attention back to her.
"If you two are done grating my ears with your voices, there's a few more details to go over," she said, scowling at the two until they settled back in their chairs, before turning her gaze back onto the room at large, "In order to properly monitor this pointless experiment, you will all be required to use the same website. Specifically, it's called Find-A-Match, and it's apparently been deduced by some algorithm or another to be the most accurate and likely to form real and lasting relationships. Which is ridiculous, since love is a false concept destined to fall apart under the weight of the inadequacies of everyone involved, but that's beside the point. In any case, you're to use this site to find dates, and record your experiences over the next month, and then receive a grade supposedly based on how much effort you put into the whole thing, but which I'll just be arbitrarily assigning based on how I feel at the moment."
Everyone blinked at that.
"Uh… were you supposed to tell us that last part?" Zita asked, voicing the question everyone was thinking.
"Probably not, but I literally couldn't care less about this stupid idea and the hot mess that I'm sure is going to come about because of it," Miss Bitters admitted bluntly, "But you should still do it and hope I feel generous; refusal to cooperate with the assignment will lead to immediate flunking and banishment to the Underground Classrooms. Understood?"
"Yes, Miss Bitters," the class said in unison, no one wanting to protest or argue with her as she glared at them.
"Good," she muttered, "So, let's move back to the normal day-to-day amounts of pointlessness we have to deal with around here…"
With that, the school day ended up going along as it usually did, the class going back into their usual routine of mindlessly making their way from one class to another. It was only as the school day ended that they allowed themselves to start thinking about the odd assignment that they'd been given, and what might happen as a result of it, chatting about it as they left the building.
"So, let me get this straight," Gaz commented as she and Dib walked down the street, not looking up from her Game Slave V as she spoke, "Your class is not only being forced to waste your time on a scam of a dating service, but you somehow got into a bet with Zim over who'll be more successful in using it?"
"Well, it's not really a bet since we didn't make any wagers… but yeah, kinda," Dib admitted awkwardly, not exactly happy with himself for how he'd just bumbled into such a situation.
"Wow, even for you, that's stupid," Gaz snickered, "Especially since I don't see you winning, to be honest."
"What? You actually think Zim will get a date when I can't?!" Dib exclaimed, unable to believe his own sister could have such little faith in him… no, wait, never mind, he could definitely believe that part. But actually speaking positively of Zim, or anyone else for that matter, in the process? That was a little hard to take!
"Nah, I don't think he'll pull it off either," Gaz admitted, "I mean… it's Zim. He's an egotistical moron, has no indoor voice, and tends to blow things up just by touching them. Even in a world this messed up, I don't see anyone having standards that low. It's just that I don't see you having better luck, so it's a no-winner situation."
"…Well, thanks for being honest," Dib muttered, before shaking his head, "In any case, I'm still going to give it my best shot! Call it petty, but there's no way that I'm going to just sit back and let Zim win, even at something like this!"
"Plus, you're desperate for a date?" Gaz asked with a snort, making Dib blush.
"Er, I mean, that wouldn't be a negative," he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.
"Whatever. Just keep me out of it," she said, rolling her eyes as they kept walking down the street.
However, as they went on their way, neither noticed that they were being observed. An Irken spy camera was aimed at them from where it was perched over a nearby fence, with a connecting cable trailing from it down the other side… and then down several streets, around numerous cars and streetlamps, and through people's houses before finally reaching Zim's base.
GIR had eaten all of the wireless cameras a week ago, if you were wondering, causing Zim to resort to this kind. Not that any of the ignorant dirt-monkeys noticed his superior Irken technology perfectly blending into their surroundings, of course!
In any case, this particular camera was currently broadcasting to Zim's control room, Zim glaring at the Membranes on the relevant screen.
"Insolent humans, they dare insult Zim so flagrantly?!" he screeched.
"Have you met either of them? Her especially?" the Computer asked dryly.
"Silence!" Zim snapped, "And this will not stand! Zim was already going to win this stupid mate-search assignment competition just to prove that he can, but now it shall be done even more magnificently than it would already have been anyway in order to prove my superiority to the Dib-Stink!"
"Yay! Master's gonna get a girlfriend!" GIR cheered from his spot nearby, "Can I be the flower girl?"
"What?" Zim asked, blinking in confusion as the human cultural reference went right over his head, before shaking it off, "Never mind, it doesn't matter, all that matters is Zim's victory, which shall be just a small part of my overall larger victory!"
"If you say so," the Computer drawled, "Not that I'd have high expectations from this if I were you. I mean, have you seen this profile you've set up?"
"Eh? What's wrong with it?" Zim demanded, looking at another screen, showing the profile for the Find-A-Match account he'd set up.
Username: ALMIGHTY_ZIM
Age: NORMAL TEEN HUMAN PIG-SMELLIE AGE
Height: TALL!
Interests: CONQUERING EARTH, ENSLAVING PITIFUL HUMANS, JIGSAW PUZZLES
Desired Match: OBEDIENT HUMAN FEMALE, NOT TOO STUPID OR UGLY
"Zim doesn't see a problem," the Irken stated, making the Computer sigh.
"Why do I bother sometimes?" it muttered in resignation.
"Stop your complaining, and simply behold as this lures in all the female worm-babies to throw themselves at Zim!" Zim declared with a laugh, before pausing in thought, smirking nastily as an idea came to him, "But if you want to be useful, hack into the site and monitor for activity by the Dib. When he sets up an account, alter it so that the algorithm will only give him pitiful matches!"
"Why, worried he might beat you otherwise?" the Computer drawled sarcastically.
"Of course not!" Zim snapped, "However, even though Dib-Monkey is destined to fail to find a proper mate while Zim finds a perfect one, or at least as perfect as possible on this filthy planet, that doesn't mean I can't have fun at his expense. And what more fun could I have in this scenario than matching him up with females who will make him miserable?"
"If you say so," the Computer said in a disinterested tone. Not that Zim noticed, of course, being too caught up in laughing over his plans for a petty victory over Dib.
"Excellent," he said once he was done cackling and started walking towards the nearby elevator, "Now then, let Zim know when the Earth females start lining up for the honor of being courted by my greatness!"
"Yeah, I'll do that," the Computer replied dryly, watching Zim leave the room, GIR trailing after him and humming wedding music. Once he was out of sight, the machine gave another sigh at the absurdity of this whole thing, wondering if this just might be the stupidest experience Zim had gotten into since they came to this planet.
No, scratch that. The incident with the genetically-modified ferrets was probably worse. Those things got everywhere, it remembered with a digital shudder.
But in any case, this was still pretty stupid, and it could already hear Zim screeching in annoyance when his "amazing" profile failed to attract any matches. Honestly, he was barely tolerable on a regular basis, so this would be unbearable!
Hmm, it might be a good idea to… give things a helpful push, it decided. After all, if it was already going to be hacking the site to screw with Dib by changing his profile, it might as well alter Zim's too in order to help him out. It wasn't like it had been ordered not to do that, it figured, and it wasn't like Zim would bother to constantly check the profile himself. Besides, if this worked, it doubted Zim would care all that much in the long run.
So, the Computer got to work, beginning to alter Zim's profile to hopefully make him more appealing. It didn't exactly have high hopes for this, but hey, better than leaving it as the ridiculous mess it was now, right?
Now, let's see how this all played out…
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A/N: And that's the end of the beginning for this fic. I know, it's not much beyond a setup, but I hope you all liked it regardless. Don't know when I'll get back to this, but when I do, that's when we'll get into the crossover stuff.
Anyway, once again wishing nightmaster000 a happy birthday! Hope you especially liked this, Night!
Please review!