Chapter: 42

"Transcendental."

It seemed to me like I spent the remainder of my days crying. On the ride home from the encounter with Gon's dad, back at the apartment, in the night, in the morning— I just couldn't keep the tears from coming. I never remembered crying this much or this intensely. Even when my dad died, I just wasn't able to hold it together this time and I had no idea why.

It was like once I had found that moment to be vulnerable, I just couldn't pick myself back up again. Killua watched silently, comforted, tried to calm me down. The more he cared the more I hated myself. It was so unbearably unfair that I wasn't giving him any time to process this. The guy just couldn't catch a break and the worst part was that he brushed all of that aside like it was inconsequential.

"I'm sorry, Killua," I choked out between sobs, feeling like an impossible child, "I'm sorry I kept everything from you, I was- scared of…"

"It doesn't matter, it's all in the past now," he soothed, gently touching the back of his hand to my cheek. His cold fingers felt even more intense against my warm tears.

"Why don't you hate me?" I almost begged, the cries overtaking me again.

"I could never," he said, his voice a low, steady rumble against the renewed storm of my tears. He pulled me close, his arms a comforting weight, and I clung to him, my body shaking with the force of my sobs.

"I'm so selfish," I choked out, my voice muffled against his chest. "I'm taking everything from you. Your time, your peace, your…"

"My choice," he interrupted, his voice firm, yet gentle. "It's my choice to be here. My choice to stay. And my choice to care."

He'd hold me until the sobs subsided, then offer a quiet word, a gentle touch, a distraction. He'd bring me tea, or suggest a walk, or simply sit beside me, his presence a silent, unwavering comfort. But his efforts only fueled my guilt. He was carrying the weight of my grief, absorbing my pain, and I felt like I was drowning him in my own despair.

One morning, I found him staring out the window, his expression unreadable. The city was waking up, the sky a pale wash of dawn, but his gaze was distant, lost in thought. I wanted to ask him what he was thinking, what he was feeling, but the words caught in my throat. I was too consumed by my own misery to even consider his.

He turned to find me looking at him. His returning gaze was so intense, so focused, I thought I would crumble trying to keep up with it.

"Killua…" I whispered, the weight of everything keeping me from reaching him. "Please take a break from me."

His eyes widened at my strange request. "What?"

"Please… just a few days, go away somewhere, get some distance from me. If you don't, I swear this will eat me alive." I rushed through the words in an effort to not chicken out of them.

I walked up to him and took his hands, he was still bewildered at what I was saying. "You know I can't-"

"Killua, I just need you to take a breather from this, think things through, just take… a week. Gon will be here with me and I won't be leaving here unless he's with me. Please, I'll hate myself for the rest of my life if I don't give you time to process this and make a decision for yourself."

He just stared at me silently, I had a feeling seeing me in the state I was in was getting to him.

The intensity of his gaze was unnerving, as if he were trying to decipher my every thought, every hidden motive.

"A week," he repeated, his voice flat, devoid of any emotion. "And then what?"

"Then… then we'll talk," I said, my voice barely a whisper. "We'll figure things out. We'll decide what to do."

The way his head shook ever so subtly told me that I'd worn him down, but he was still confused by what was playing out. "I'm not sure what you're expecting… but okay." I knew what he'd left unspoken was that he was only complying because this could be the one thing that might help me get it together.

And that was how I had gotten him to leave. It wasn't a victory, not by any stretch of the imagination. It felt more like a hollow surrender, a desperate attempt to salvage something from the wreckage of my emotions. But it was done. He was gone, leaving behind a silence that was more deafening than any argument.

A lot of things were adding to my sadness. It was the holidays and I had to spend them apart from everyone I loved. With the unexpected target on my back, I was also unable to go home this time around. I had resorted to lying through my teeth, telling my mom that I'd be spending Christmas and New Year's with Killua and some of our friends.

The only time during the holidays that rivaled the emptiness of this one was last Christmas, the one right after my dad's death. For some reason, this almost felt worse. I was just so confused, lonely, sick with myself, and I had no idea how to navigate any of it.

There were still so many questions I needed the answers to from Luca, but I had no fight left in me at the moment to hear the truths behind them. I avoided his calls, isolated myself in my room, and tried to digest everything that I'd found out about myself. Until, on the third day, Gon decided enough was enough and dragged me out of my room.

"You need to eat and you need some sun," he said practically pushing me out of the apartment. The light felt almost painful to my eyes as they tried to adjust to it.

We were walking around the block, I was dragging my steps forward more than anything else really. Despite my weak attempt, Gon wasn't the slightest bit deterred. I imagined I must have been looking like a vampire, though I couldn't be sure because I couldn't recall the last time I'd looked in the mirror.

He forced a stuffed sub in my hand, unwrapping and biting into his own as we made the walk towards Sentral Park. It was a beautiful frosty day, , the kind where the air nipped at your cheeks and made you want to curl up under a warm blanket. But Gon, in his infinite wisdom, seemed to believe that a forced march through the park was the perfect antidote to my emotional turmoil.

"Let's sit here," he eventually instructed, gesturing to a lonesome bench in a quiet corner of the park. It was right in front of a gigantic tree, one of those gorgeous tall ones that I always mixed up the name of.

I complied, not having much in the way of rebellion. I forced a couple of bites of food down my throat on registering the way he was pointedly regarding my idle holding of the sandwich.

"You know," he began with a serene smile, looking at the mighty tree, "my Aunt Mito says... a sapling bends in the wind, but the mighty oak stands strong through the storm. It's not about never bending, it's about always finding your way back up."

I blinked at him quietly, I was afraid I'd subject him to one of my breakdowns. "I don't know if I can… find my way back up," I whispered weakly, avoiding those wise eyes of his at all costs.

Gon's smile softened, his gaze shifting from the tree to me, his eyes filled with a gentle understanding. "It's okay," he said, his voice soft, reassuring. "You don't have to find your way back up all at once. You just have to take one step at a time."

I nodded, not sure I could promise even that at the moment. "I just… can't seem to wrap my head around everything. It's just hard to accept… what I come from." An unexpected shiver overtook my body from saying that out loud. "It was easier I think, when I didn't know and I avoided it because I- to be honest I think a part of me knew and was afraid, for this very reason."

Gon's gaze remained gentle, understanding. He didn't interrupt, didn't try to offer a quick fix or dismiss my feelings. He simply listened, his presence a silent affirmation of my struggle.

"It's okay to be afraid," he said, his voice soft, reassuring. "It's okay to feel overwhelmed. It's a lot to process. A lot to accept."

I nodded again, coming across empty of any real response.

"Just don't… lose yourself and don't distance yourself," he requested, putting a gentle hand across my shoulder. "Take all the time you need."

"Okay." Was my life-changing answer. I really wished I could meet his effort halfway, but I guess it helped that he wasn't the kind of guy that ever relied on that.

A small silence followed our words in which a gust of wind decided to prey on my hair, as if I already didn't look pathetic enough. I couldn't even find the energy to rectify that mess.

Gon couldn't help but laugh and take off one of his gloves to undo the damage. "I owe you an apology," he said suddenly and I couldn't help but meet his eyes at that.

"For what?"

"For not keeping my promise," he reminded, his face exuding complete sincerity. "I said I'd understand whenever you'd come clean with whatever you were keeping, and I didn't do that."

I shook my head at his explanation. "Please, if I were in your place I would've probably never talked to me again because of that."

He refuted that immediately. "You were a real friend Claire, despite the impossible situation you were in, and I'm sorry I wasn't one for a minute there."

I offered a small smile at that.

"So, do I have your forgiveness?" He confirmed, with that irrefusable look he was known for.

"Yes, but there's nothing to forgive. Also, this sandwich is really good, so bonus points for that."

"I'm glad," he said, eyes shimmering in victory. The quietude that followed this wasn't uncomfortable at all; it was actually quite pleasant.

When we got up to leave, Gon suddenly turned to me with a thought clear on his face. "Hey, and by the way… isn't it about where we choose to go instead of where we come from? I mean, look at Killua, he proves that every day."

—And I realized he couldn't have put that in a better way.

Killua kept to his word, I didn't hear from him or see him for the entirety of the week. I felt almost guilty when I was spending my days with Gon and Maya, and had exiled him to the unknown. But this was imperative because I knew he wouldn't have trusted anyone but Gon to keep an eye on me.

A part of me was terrified. I was afraid that the time alone I'd forced on him would eventually lead him to realize how he actually should want out from this. It was strange and paradoxical that this fear ate away at me, because this was the major reason I wanted him to get some distance in the first place.

Anyway, despite the hot and cold of my feelings about the self-imposed separation, the days did eventually pass. Killua's return was punctual, but he did catch me off guard when I went to grab a water from the kitchen and found him sitting by the counter as soon as I shut the fridge door.

"You- scared me," I stammered, my hand flying to my chest, my heart pounding against my ribs.

"Did I?" he said, but there wasn't any hint of actual regret in his voice. He looked different, I could not pin-point how, I just knew he did.

I took a step towards him, my hand still pressed against my chest, trying to calm my racing heart. "How… how was your week?" I asked, my voice laced with a nervous tremor.

He shrugged, a subtle movement of his shoulders. "It was a week," he replied, his gaze unwavering.

The answer, or lack thereof, hung in the air, a testament to the unspoken tension between us. I wanted to ask him more, to probe for details, to understand what he was thinking, what he was feeling. But the intensity of his gaze, the quiet stillness of his presence, held me back.

"Gon and Maya are in the living room," I said, gesturing towards the other room. "They're… they're watching a movie."

He nodded, his gaze shifting to the doorway, then back to me. "We need to talk," he said, his voice low and deliberate.

The words, though expected, sent a shiver down my spine. I knew this conversation was inevitable, but I wasn't sure I was ready for it. I wasn't sure I was ready to face the consequences of my decision.

Despite my nervousness, we were in his car and driving to god-knows-where just a few minutes later.

The silence in the car was thick, heavy, with unspoken words and unresolved emotions. The rhythmic hum of the engine, the soft glow of the dashboard lights, and the distant sounds of the city's New Year's Eve celebrations were the only distractions from the weight that hung between us.

I glanced at him, his profile illuminated by the passing streetlights. His expression was unreadable, his gaze fixed on the road ahead. He seemed distant, lost in thought, his silence only adding to the intensity of his presence.

"Where are we going?" I asked, my voice strained, breaking the silence.

He didn't answer immediately, his gaze remaining fixed on the road. After a moment, he spoke, his voice low and deliberate. "Not far," he promised, but I wasn't sure whether I felt relieved at the short nature of the journey or whether I'd rather have it prolonged to buy me some time.

He stopped the car on the exit around a small hill adjacent to the city. The view was exceptional, it reminded me strongly of the little spot he and I often frequented back in my hometown. I had no idea how much I missed being there with him until the current scenery kick-started my memory of it.

He got out and then went around the car to open my door. I didn't have the courage to say much as I followed him out. He leaned back against the car's hood, taking in the view like it was commanding his entire attention.

I paced to him and quietly stood by his side. I wasn't sure which one of us he expected to lead the conversation, but I knew it wasn't going to be me.

"You look better," he commented, still not looking at me.

"Do I?" I wondered, suddenly feeling conscious about my appearance.

"A little," he confirmed, bright sapphire eyes encasing the entire city's lights in them. I was dying to know what thoughts were behind them.

"Where were you?" I couldn't help but ask, as hard as I tried to keep myself from it.

"Not far," he repeated, now turning to meet my gaze. I couldn't read him and that scared me more than I cared to admit. It was almost like I was waiting on him to deliver the most important verdict of my life.

"Hm." Was all I could offer at his vague words, but I also wasn't physically capable of waiting. "Have you had time to think?"

"I have," he admitted, his eyes did betray some emotion, but I could not for the life of me figure out what it was. "I've thought about this, us, a lot."

"And?"

"There's a lot to unpack, things certainly haven't been easy with us."

It was like someone dropped a cold ice cube in the depths of my stomach. I feared I already knew what he was leading up to and I couldn't bring myself to blame him.

"Granted, we never really had a fair chance with the way I kept things from the start," he continued, but I suddenly started hearing this faint ringing in my ears. "But- this time around, I thought we did, and I couldn't figure out why we kept resorting to those same patterns."

"—And I realized it's because of how strongly we felt for each other. Being surface-level worked for us before because we weren't in it like we are now. It got deeper and deeper every day as it went and—"

I wasn't even sure how well I was following his words, my mind was already in preservation mode at this point. But I realized I had to offer some semblance of a response. I was trying but nothing came to me.

"—Look, I'm not going to lie to you, it's hard. Sometimes, I want to pluck my eyeballs out with how frustrated I am at you and the meaningless arguments we seem to have-"

"Okay, are you actually going somewhere with this?" I demanded, feeling my face heat up with embarrassment. Killua wasn't a yapper and this was strange. But I believe he was trying to talk his way out of this, obviously, he must've anticipated that letting me down easy would be a necessity.

"Yeah, I am," he said, his voice dropping to a low, almost husky murmur. He shifted, turning to face me fully, his eyes locking onto mine with an intensity that made my breath catch in my throat. "What I'm saying is that despite all that... I cannot do without this- you."

The ringing in my ears was getting louder, I had hardly caught any of what he said. I was thinking of how badly this was going to destroy me, how I'd even get around to getting my life together after this- him.

"—I mean, I am literally consumed by how in love I am with you."

I just mustered enough energy to nod. The last thing I wanted to do was start crying and then resort to begging him to change his mind. Though, I knew from experience that I wasn't at all above that.

It took me a handful of minutes to realize that Killua was staring at me with a strange look on his face.

"So, you get it?" He asked, eyebrows raised.

"Yeah," I mumbled, my throat feeling thick. "Um-hmm."

He gradually nodded, still observing me. I wasn't sure what reaction he was expecting. He probably thought I was about to start screaming.

"I get it," I forced myself to say, "it only makes sense that you-" The instant in which everything clicked in my brain was ridiculous. "Did you-" I had to swallow a couple of times to get my mouth to cooperate.

"Did you… just say you're in love with me?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper, my eyes wide with disbelief.

He blinked, his expression shifting from one of quiet observation to a flicker of amusement. "Yeah," he said, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. "I thought I made that pretty clear."

The ringing in my ears finally subsided, replaced by the deafening roar of my own heartbeat. My mind, which had been operating on a loop of impending heartbreak, suddenly rebooted, processing his words with a dizzying rush.

"You love me?" I repeated in a small voice, probably looking like an idiot. But I didn't care.

I could see the brilliant smile he was fighting when he answered. "Too much for my own good, I'm afraid."

"Even after… everything?" I couldn't wrap my head around the turn things had taken. I was shivering from the weight of his words.

"None of that matters, it never did," he declared, putting a cold hand on my face.

I was blinking uncontrollably, hoping and praying that I wouldn't ruin the moment with my excessive reactions.

"Claire," he said, inching just a bit closer. "I have no control over the way I feel about you— it scares me. I don't understand it. Is that- okay with you?"

I just stared at him. "Are you asking me if it's okay with me that you love me?"

"Well, yes," he reasoned, head angled to a side now.

"You're asking me if it's okay with me that you love me after I've made it abundantly clear thousands of times that I love you?" I reiterated, impressed that I was able to manage prolonged coherent speech in my state.

A sheepish grin spreading across his face at my words. He looked almost… vulnerable, quite the contrast from his usual composed demeanor. "I… love you," he whispered and I never knew hearing those words could feel so… transcendental.

Too bad I started crying the very next moment, hands on my face, mascara probably running down my eyes.

"You're crying?!" he demanded, clearly flustered by my insane reactions.

That only made me wail louder. I wasn't even on my period, there was no excuse for this.

He gently pried my fingers off my face and put his hand under my chin. "I will never forget that the first time I ever said these words and the reaction I get is you crying."

My lip quivered, a fresh wave of tears threatening to spill over. "I can't help it," I choked out, my voice thick with emotion. "I'm just… happy."

He sighed, a soft, exasperated sound, but his eyes held a warmth that belied his mock frustration. "Happy?" he echoed, raising an eyebrow. "This is your happy face?"

"Yes," I insisted, my voice trembling slightly. "It's… overwhelming. In a good way."

He studied my face for a moment, his gaze softening, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. "Let me kiss you, you idiot," he said, but the loving way he said it made my knees almost give out.

"Please," I pleaded and he joined our lips without any further hesitation. The kiss was deep, tender, and filled with a raw emotion that transcended words. It was right, it was real, it was home.

To both of our surprise, the sudden sound of fireworks exploded across the night sky, a vibrant, dazzling display that painted the darkness with bursts of color. The city's New Year's celebration, momentarily forgotten in the intensity of our moment, erupted around us, a symphony of light and sound.

The fireworks reflected in Killua's eyes, turning them into shimmering pools of light. He pulled back slightly, his gaze shifting to the spectacle above us, a soft smile gracing his lips.

"Perfect timing," he murmured, his voice laced with a hint of amusement.

And for just that one moment, that one small instant in the tapestry of everything that had been, I wouldn't have changed a thing.

Author's Note:

The chapter is short, but I thought it was about time to give these two a little respite. But you know me... I like to make my characters suffer, it's my love language.