Lucy approachs you, wrapped up in a cape, "Relax, I don't bite." She opens the cape, letting out a colony of bats, "But I DO scrape and lick!"

Dracula's Debut

Lincoln was in his bedroom with Clyde enjoying a lazy Sunday by playing video games when Grim barged in. "Stop playing your games, Lincoln. We're going to the retirement home."

Lincoln paused the game, "I'm...not really comfortable tagging along with your job, Grim." he said as he unpaused the game and went back to playing.

Lucy then appeared sitting right between him and Clyde, causing them both to scream and jump. But more alarming was that she was smiling, "Relax Lincoln, nobody is dead yet. We are going to meet someone very famous."

Clyde caught his breath first, "Who? Your Pop-Pop? My Nana?"

Grim shook his head, "Neither, we're going to see Dracula!"

There was a pause.

"Uh...Dracula?" Lincoln asked.

"The vampire?" Clyde asked.

"No, Dracula the baker. YES, the vampire!" Lucy squeed, "This is the greatest day of my miserable life!"

Something about this just didn't add up for Lincoln, "Wait, Dracula is at the Sunset Canyon retirement home?"

Grim glared at him impatiently, "Of course he is, mon! Why else would we go there to see him?"

Lincoln shrugged, "Shouldn't he be in like, a castle or something?"

Grim groaned, "In this economy? Even if he's an undead, immortal, powerful vampire, I doubt he has enough dough for a castle."

I can barely afford rent.

Lincoln sighed, "Okay, you got my attention." He turned to Clyde, "Want to go meet Dracula, Clyde?"

"I dunno Lincoln. I mean, what if Dracula tries to bite us and drink our blood?" Clyde asked.

"Relax, if anyone is going to be bitten, it's gonna be me." Lucy told him.

Clyde shivvered, "...you know Lucy, I think you might be scarier."

"Thank you."

...

In the parking lot of Sunset Canyon, Mr. and Mr. McBride were- wait, what were they doing here?

"Okay Howie, one last equipment check before we hunt down Dracula." said Harold as he opened the back of their van where a safe sat.

Ah, they're vampire hunters. Didn't see that coming.

Howard gave his husband a worried look, "I still think we are unprepared, Hare-bear! We didn't even bring the sidearms!"

Harold frowned, "It isn't the early 2000's anymore Howie. We can't go bringing firearms into a public area, not unless we're willing to answer a bunch of questions."

Howard nodded, and opened up the safe, "Alright, we're going for 19th century."

Harold got out a list, "Silver daggers?"

Howard pulled out two, "Check."

"Holy water?"

Howard pulled out a small perfume bottle, "Never leave home without it!"

"Stakes made from Mistletoe?"

Howard pulled out two wooden stakes that glowed an eerie greenish color, "Of course."

"Clyde far away?"

Howard nodded and showed his smartphone, "Dropped him at the Loud House, so- wait! His phone is coming this way!"

"WHAT?"

The two saw a transit bus coming their way, and quickly started hiding their vampire hunting gear.

Lucy, Grim, Lincoln, and Clyde got off the bus when it stopped in the parking lot, "Hey look! My dads are here!" Clyde called out.

The McBrides put on the most earnest smiles they could muster as Clyde approached with the other three not too far behind, "Hello son! What brings you all here?"

Clyde stopped in front of them, "Dads, you're not gonna believe this, but Dracula is here!"

"Oh? Dracula?" Harold asked.

"Never heard of him!" Howard denied.

Grim scoffed, "You two need to get out more, Dracula is the world's most famous vampire!"

Harold grinned nervously, "Oh, a vampire? I didn't think they really existed."

"Or vampire hunters for that matter!" Howard added.

Lucy scoffed, "Well, he does. I'm surprised, you two always seemed more cultured and well-versed with the world."

The married men looked at each other, "Umm..."

"Wait, dads, why are you here? Is it to see Nana?"

Harold smiled, quickly finding an out, "Uh...yeah! We were just in the area and we suddenly recalled we needed to talk to her about uh..."

"Your birthday! We have to keep it quiet because it's a surprise!" Howard added.

"We're wasting my existence dealing with this lovely couple. We could be getting autographs by now!" Grim complained.

"And I could be a vampire by now!" Lucy whined.

Lincoln groaned, "Fine, let's get this over with. C'mon Clyde." He led the group into the retirement home.

"Bye dads! I'll say hi to Nana too!" Clyde waved as they went in.

The McBrides let out a sigh of relief, Howard turned towards Harold, "...okay, so Clyde is here looking for Dracula. Should we abort the hunt?"

Harold shook his head, "No. We've already come this far, and we may not get another chance."

"But how can we eliminate Dracula without Clyde getting hurt?"

"We'll have to leave the silver and Mistletoe. The Holy Water should do the job fine, and it's the most discreet."

"Have I told you that I love you? The perfume bottle of sulfuric acid is very clever."

"I love you too Howie."

Soon after that, Grim, Lucy, Lincoln, and Clyde entered Sunset Canyon and walked up to the reception desk where Nurse Sue glared at the reaper, "Hello Grim." she coldly greeted.

"Hello Sue, looking as uptight as usual!" Grim responded with a grin.

Sue rose out of her chair and shooed him off, "I assure you, nobody needs your services today. Go away before you cause a heart or panic attack."

"But we're here to meet the world famous Dracula." Lucy stated.

"Never heard of him."

"Are you sure?" Grim asked, "I heard from a reliable source that he was residing here."

"What reliable source?" Lincoln asked.

"It was on his Chirper feed." Lucy answered.

Lincoln rolled his eyes, "Of course it was. Dracula is on Chirper..."

"Don't they call that 'Y' now?" Clyde asked.

Grim scowled, "Nobody's gonna call it by that STUPID name, mon."

Sue shook her head, "Nobody by the name of Drak-yu-lah is here. Now if you don't have anything else-"

"Check Alucard Țepeș." Grim told her.

Sue's glare turned to bewilderment, "Oh him? Honestly I'm surprised you didn't come for him sooner. That ancient looks more like he belongs in a morgue."

"There's no way someone with that name actually exists." Lincoln remarked.

"It's called an alias, Lincoln. What's wrong with you? You said in the second chapter that you'd be more open minded." Lucy scolded.

"My suspension of disbelief can only be pushed so far! I rather not be as gullible as the rest of our family!"

"Is this about the No Such Luck episode again? Everyone agrees that episode was poorly written."

"DON'T. REMIND. ME!"

Clyde whispered to Grim, "Uh...chapters, episodes, do you understand what they're talking about?"

"Just be thankful that you don't." Grim answered.

...

In the common room, the old folks were watching an old crime drama on TV.

A kitchen sponge with arms and legs aimed a gun at a starfish in a suit, "I'm warning you, Patrick. Come quietly or...or I'll have to use this!"

The starfish only glared back, "Then take the shot, SpongeBob."

"Patrick..."

"Take the shot."

"Patrick, please!"

"SPONGEBOB, TAKE THE SHOT!"

"I...I can't!"

"You always were a coward, SpongeBob. Goodbye."

Pop-Pop groaned, "Can someone change it to something good?"

Seymour shook his head, "Can't, Scoots has the remote and I'd rather keep my toes."

Scoots had a tight grip on the remote, "Nothing is gonna stop me from watching my stories!"

That's when Grim entered, "Good day, you overripe mortals." He greeted. Lucy, Lincoln, and Clyde entered behind him.

Seymour shrieked, "IT'S DEATH HIMSELF! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" he jumped out of his chair, picked up said chair, threw it to break a window and jumped out of the building. A car siren went off soon after.

"Dang, just like a ninja." Lincoln remarked.

For the two of you who got that, you're welcome.

Scoots looked back and gritted her teeth, "You back for round 3, bonehead?"

"Actually, I'm here for- OW!"

Scoots had already used her mobility scooter to run over Grim's toes, "You ain't gettin' my Tyler neither! Especially now with him in the hospital!"

"He's not due for another mon- OW!"

While everyone was distracted, Harold and Howard entered the room and snuck around the others to head down the corridors.

"Calm down Scoots, odds are he's here for me, aren't ya you old bag of bones?" Pop-Pop asked with a smirk.

Grim's skull lit up despite the pain in his non-existent nerves, "Albert! Is that you? It's been too long, mon!"

"You two know each other?" Lucy asked.

Pop-Pop nodded, "I saw Grim a lot during my active service!" He took out a faded photograph and gave it to Lucy.

Lucy saw Grim and a young man with blonde hair in army fatigues and helmets. The blonde's helmet had an ace of spades tied to it while Grim's had the words "BORN TO REAP" painted on his helmet.

"Well, I'm not here to reap you today either Albert, but it is good to see you." Grim told him.

Lincoln approached the senior, "Hey Pop-Pop! Doing alright?"

Pop-Pop smirked, "Hey Lincoln! How's that little firecracker you were chummy with? I barely see her anymore!"

Lincoln scratched his head as he figured out who his grandpa was referring to, "Ronnie Anne? I haven't talked to her much since her spinoff got canceled."

Lucy shook her head, "Ronnie Anne shouldn't have gotten her own show in the first place. It ruined our production for a while."

Plus it ruined Ronnie Anne's character just when she was starting to get interesting. It instead turned her into a blander Lincoln. At least Sid was fun.

Grim nodded, "I hear ya, most spinoffs are a waste of time and resources." Grim coughed, "Evil Con Carne." he coughed again, "Underfist."

To be fair, Underfist was robbed of its chance to shine.

Clyde was starting to get irritated over his lack of awareness of the medium, so let's give him some. "Can we please get back on topic? Weren't we here because Dracula was supposed to show up in this chapter?"

Lincoln patted him on the back, "Welcome to the party, Clyde! And relax, we'll get to that after this transition."

The fourth wall doesn't exist anymore.

...

Meanwhile in the b-plot, Harold and Howard walked through the retirement home on the hunt for Dracula.

"You got his room number, right Hare-bear?" Howard asked.

"Uh, I thought you knew it." Harold remarked.

The two stopped, "Harold, Dr. Lopez tells us again and again how important communication is!"

Harold nodded, "I know, I know Howard. I just assumed and I shouldn't have. Arguing about who was supposed to get that information will do nothing, so let's try to figure out how to find our VIP."

Howard rubbed his chin, "Wasn't there that old trick with the water and rice?"

"Oh yeah! I got some rice but we'll need some running water!"

"What? That dumb wives tale? Junk like that ain't gonna tell ya where Dracula at!"

The two men turned to see an ancient dark-skinned man with silver hair in an afro on his head and a combo of a handlebar mustache and soul patch on his face. He wore a red cloak over a black suit jacket over a white dress shirt and black suit pants.

"Um...who's Dracula?" Harold asked.

The ancient man pointed to himself, "Me, dummy! How could ya not know Dracula? I'm a world famous influencer!"

I mean, he isn't wrong.

Howard smiled, "Oh, THAT Dracula? We've actually been meaning to meet you!"

Dracula folded his arms, "If you want an autograph, forget it! Dracula don't do autographs! Or photographs! Dracula doesn't even appear in photographs!"

Harold smiled nervously as he tried to come up with a lie, "Oh, well, that's understandable. We just wanted a uh...interview! For uh... for an essay to nominate you for Vampire of the Century!"

Dracula rubbed his chin, staring at Harold intensely, "Vampire of the Century?"

"Uh...yes?" Harold started to sweat a little, knowing this wasn't going to-

Dracula took hold of Harold and shook him, "Took ya long enough! Dracula has been waitin' to be nominated this century since that fool, Count Orlok robbed me of 1900's Vampire of the Century! That sellout only won 'cause he stole Dracula's style and pranced around in front of a camera!"

"Yes! And we were so upset with that, that we tracked you down!" Howard added.

"For over twenty years?" Dracula asked, looking at him suspiciously.

Howard grimaced, "Well...it wasn't easy to track you down."

Dracula nodded and let go of Harold. "Yeah, I get that, Dracula moves around a lot. Say, why don't we take this interview somewhere more private-like?"

"Sounds great! Got anywhere in mind?" Howard asked, preparing the perfume bottle of "holy water" for the perfect moment.

"Yeah, I'm roomed up with my new honey. She should be cool with you coming in and asking Dracula questions."

Dracula led the way while the McBrides whispered to each other, "Hare-bear, this is almost too perfect. He even has a 'new honey' with him. Could he be leading us into a trap?" Howard asked.

"We'll have to take her out too. Odds are she's been turned already. It's how it always is with vampires." Harold whispered back.

"Say uh, Dracula don't judge or nothin', but are you two...uh, together?" Dracula asked as he stopped at a door.

The married couple gave each other a breif look, and Harold answered: "Uh, yes."

"That's cool, Dracula's new honey tells me all about her son and his husband. Sound like things worked out great for 'em!"

Before Dracula could open the door, a yell rang out from down the hall, "There he is, kids! That's Dracula!"

"What's this now?" Dracula asked as he turned to see Grim, Lincoln, and Clyde coming towards him.

"Hello Mr. Dracula, I'm a huge fan."

Dracula yelped and jumped back, surprised by a smiling Lucy suddenly being in front of him, "Woah! Where'd you come from?"

Lucy stretched out her neck, her smile wide and unnerving, "Could you bite me and turn me into a vampire?"

Dracula hissed and backed away, "What! No! Dracula don't do that biting stuff! Especially to little girls! Does Dracula look like he's from the Mormon Church?"

Lucy still smiled, "Of course not! But I want to become a vampire just like you and-"

Dracula covered Lucy's mouth to get her to stop, "Woah-woah-woah! Dracula don't know what you heard about, but Dracula don't turn people into vampires! That was just a smear campaign made by that fool Bram Stoker to put hate on Dracula! And that put a target on Dracula's back for vampire hunters! Dracula had to flee Europe because of that!"

Take a shot each time the name Dracula is mentioned, you will get sick.

The smile on Lucy's face slowly started to crumble, and soon enough it was gone. The little girl lowered her head, "...so I guess it's true when they say to never meet your heroes." She didn't sigh. She didn't even sound sad, just tired. All the joy she had gained that day slowly deflated out of her.

Meanwhile, Lincoln was sightly miffed with the situation, "Grim, that can't be the real Dracula!"

Grim frowned at him, "How would you know, mon?"

"I mean, look at him! He's...uh...well...you know?" Lincoln tried picking his words carefully, "He doesn't look at all like how he's portrayed!"

"Uh, yeah? The real deal doesn't look like dem Hollywood actors, mon." Grim told Lincoln.

Lincoln sighed, "Nevermind...hey where's Clyde?"

Clyde was walking up to his dads, "Hey dads! Have you met Dracula already?"

The married couple were uncomfortable with Clyde there, "Uh...yeah! Were you looking for him too?" Howard asked.

"Yeah! And we came here to-"

"Nuh-ah! Dracula ain't got time for all these people hounding Dracula! Not weird little girls, not nerds, and not vampire hunters!"

"Wait, what?" Harold asked.

"Dracula knew the whole time, dummy! Dracula WON Vampire of the Century for the 1900's! Everyone knows that!"

Everyone was a bit dumbstruck with the outburst.

"Dracula is out!" Dracula declared as he went into his room.

"Hold on, you two are vampire hunters?" Grim asked.

Harold and Howard started to sweat, Howard pulled up his watch, "Oh look at the time! We have to go feed the oven we left on!"

Harold nodded, "We do! See you at home, Clyde!"

With that, the two ran off leaving cartoonish clouds behind.

"Huh, well, I guess now I know what my dads do with some of their time." Clyde remarked.

Lincoln shook his head and noticed Lucy was still in a funk, he patted her shoulder, "Lucy...it'll be okay. I'm sorry I was such a downer all day. And hey, now that Dracula is here and all, that just means that being a vampire is possible, right?"

Lucy sank a bit more, "I dunno...I have no idea where to even start now if even the world's greatest vampire can't make me one."

"I'll help you figure it out! I'm the man with the plan, remember?"

Grim rubbed his jaw, "Well, you're bound to find many vampires out there who might be able to turn you into one." Grim pointed at Clyde, "Heck, this one could probably do it."

Clyde did a double-take before pointing at himself, "Uh...wait, me?"

"Yeah, you. You're a vampire aren't you? I can see your supernatural essence."

"Uh...what? Wait, I'm a what?" Clyde started to hyperventilate.

"Oh...you didn't know?" Grim asked.

"Wow, Clyde is a vampire?" Lincoln asked.

"Lucky..." Lucy sighed.