Chapter: 44
"Devil's Work."
"You guys look good!" Gon remarked, just as we made our way into the apartment. He and Maya had taken it over to have a little staycation of their own. Killua hadn't been thrilled with that idea— he hadn't quite come around to Gon's girlfriend yet.
A fact that reflected on his face as he carried the luggage in. Surprisingly, I had just one bag and he had gathered enough to have to pay over the weight limit. I swear I hadn't seen the guy repeat clothes.
"I agree, the tan is spectacular Claire," Maya complimented, sprawled on the couch with an ice-tea in hand.
I couldn't explain how giddy the sight of them made me. The time away had been good and coming back to their energy just made things even better. Maya and I had gotten quite close over the last few weeks, I found a real friend in her, especially during Killua and I's brief break.
The man in question was quick to immediately put everything in place and then gather us in the living room like some secret conference was due.
"Okay, well now that we're good and rested, it's time to figure out our next move," he announced, his gaze meeting Gon's automatically. I was almost sure the two of them had some sort of preliminary discussion on this already.
Come to think of it, it was stupid of me to assume that they had given no thought to what was to come now that the locating Ging part was behind them.
"First things first, what's she doing here?" Killua asked like the jerk he was, pointing to Maya.
She blinked back at him, shocked and offended in equal measures. "This is about Gon's father and Claire, she's my friend," she emphasized, gesturing to the two of us.
Killua was clearly in the mood to pick a fight. "Right, since five minutes ago?"
Unfortunately for him, Maya had no concept of backing down. "And that bothers you because?"
Gon and I looked from one perpetrator to the other as this ridiculous conversation dragged on.
"And just what are you going to be adding here?" He countered like a stubborn child on a mission to relentlessly provoke.
"I'm a Pro Hunter, like you," she reminded him, her eyes turning to slits at his implication. "Are you questioning my abilities?"
"Right… and if we put on a battle plan, what are you going to do? Make the bad guys sit on a cactus?"
"I'd like to make you sit on a cactus right about now."
"Wouldn't you? Why don't you mark it down as kinky stuff to try with Gon-"
"—KILLUA!" Gon and I shouted in unison, absolutely horrified.
It took an additional fifteen minutes to get the two of them to stop butting heads and entertain some semblance of a civilized conversation.
"Why is that your every interaction with a female is some sort of fight or argument?" I wondered, side-eyeing him.
He clearly had no answer to my spot-on assessment so he just resorted to flipping me off.
"I think there's nothing but a direct approach here," Gon began and the atmosphere was suddenly serious. "We have to go after Ingrid, obviously for Claire and Ging as well. It's a two birds with one stone situation."
"Go after Ingrid?" I echoed in shock before Killua could back him up. "Did you guys listen to anything Ging and Luca told you? She's got the whole underworld backing her."
"Well, there's clearly no other way," Killua dismissed my concerns, "Do you expect us to sit around and watch until whoever she has stalking you decides to come out and play?"
"It could be one approach," I mumbled quietly, knowing that if I really put that out Killua would take my head.
"Trying to lure someone out makes no sense, because like you said, it involves lots of people with lots of reach," Maya reasoned, her tone infinitely more reassuring than Killua's.
"Pains me to say this, but she's right," he seconded with a sour look on his face. "Also, isn't it about time this crazy bitch gets some karma?"
Maya was studying him with a confused look. "Are you talking about me?"
"Read the room blondie, I'm talking about the evil stepmom," he clarified, clearly enjoying keeping her on edge.
"I'm not even blonde-" she said, absolutely exasperated, when Gon put a hand on hers to calm her down.
"Be nice, Killua," he pleaded, using that look he knew always got to his friend, who just huffed in submission. "Anyway, I still have my reasons to be mad at Ging, but… I think we should try to help him too."
I nodded in agreement, understanding the paradox of his feelings because it quite mirrored my own.
"I'll start some research, things with the mafia are a lot more twisted and intertwined than one would think," Killua described, already looking like his mind had jumped into calculations.
"Are you thinking about reaching out to your family about it?" I asked, my tone was calm… and careful, but the room did immediately go silent all of a sudden.
Killua looked at me for a quiet moment before offering an answer. "No, that would only complicate matters if anything."
I nodded again, it did not go past me that Gon and Maya were looking at the two of us like we'd grown new heads. It was clear that Gon had filled her in on everything and seeing the two of us openly communicating about this was nothing short of startling.
"But there's no denying that my family would have plenty of intel on her, lots of leverage and pull too I bet," Killua estimated, scratching his chin.
"I guess you could shelf it off as a last resort sort of thing then," I suggested, knowing that more than just my own well-being was connected to this. But the truth was that my hesitation had nothing to do with me. I just felt uneasy at the idea of Killua exposing himself to all that again, the stories he told me were unsettling.
"Okay," he assented; I wasn't going to lie. It was weird, the way we both were stably and maturely communicating on this. It suddenly hit me that as we sat there looking at each other, we truly could see everything.
There were no lies, omissions— secrets. Everything about the other was out on the table and that made me feel like the pull between us was stronger too.
"If you are going to start digging, I think getting Luca's help would be a good idea. I mean, he and Ging have been at it for years now. I'm sure he's gathered a lot about Ingrid," I advised, hoping he would consider it.
Killua surprised me by not looking particularly pleased but not throwing a fit either. "I'll think about it, I guess it would make more sense than starting from scratch."
Our audience's eyes were popping out of their sockets at this point and I couldn't blame them.
"There's also one other factor," Killua added, his voice was slightly unsure now. "Whatever she's looking for and the assumption that it's connected to you."
That was something I'd thought a lot about. So much so that I had given myself many sleepless nights over it too. But hard as I tried, absolutely nothing came to mind as to what I could possibly have in my possession or person that would warrant the interest and investigation of a mafia leader.
"Regardless of whatever it might be and even if you knowing or having it just a far-fetched idea, getting to it first would certainly turn the tables in our favor. But there's too many indefinites in that scenario…" he went on, studying the look on my face as he spoke.
"Maybe something from your childhood is the key to this whole thing," Maya proposed, the fascination with the idea thick in her voice.
"Yeah, okay. Except, this isn't Little House on the Prairie," Killua muttered, not letting a chance go by to taunt her.
"I'm sorry, do you have a problem with me?" she shot back furiously.
"Oh, you just caught on?" He countered and it very much looked like Gon and I were going to have to physically restrain our significant others to avoid an altercation.
Later on, when Killua was fixing dinner for everyone, it hit me suddenly why his first interaction with Maya had been so tame in comparison. "You were sucking up to us, Gon and I, when you first met Maya."
The mischievous smirk that took over his face at my implication was answer enough. "Desperate times," he quoted, leaning down a little to kiss me on the cheek. I couldn't even bring myself to be mad at him.
I just walked over like an idiot to Maya and Gon, who were on salad duty. "Switch with me," I asked Gon, taking his place next to Maya. He complied and went to help out Killua.
"I apologize on my moody boyfriend's behalf, he takes a little time to warm up," I said sheepishly, trying to make sure my voice conveyed the apology.
"Pshhh, please," Maya dismissed with an eye roll. "He has nothing on me. Besides, I think being a little bitch seems to be on the menu today." Her voice got progressively louder, evolving into a whole shout by the end.
Killua was locked and loaded to fire back, but Gon, always the peace-maker, distracted him with a sudden pressing interest in culinary matters.
"Anyway," Maya brushed off, ripping her glaring eyes off of Killua, "besides his sunny personality, you two look really good."
I smiled at her compliment. "I feel really good about us too."
"Was the sex that good?" She teased, dramatically wiggling her eyebrows. "Was it the island? I think I read somewhere that people enjoy sex more on islands."
I rolled my eyes as I chopped the arugula. "Yes, I'm sure that was it. But- no, we talked and it was real and unguarded. It's strange but I feel like we're just now really getting to know each other."
"I'm glad. Honestly, he's insufferable but as long as he's good to you and for you, I'm all for it." The way she was waving the knife up and down as she spoke insinuated that she was more than ready to go feral on Killua if I implied need.
"He's good," I assured, turning to look at the subject of our conversation. He was in the middle of making faces at something Gon had said, then he suddenly spotted me looking at him and it was like somebody had placed him in the vicinity of a miracle. "Really good." The secret smile he gave me would remain etched in my memory.
Killua had taken the whole staying by my side thing a tad too literally. Not only did he drop me off and pick me up everywhere, but now he had levelled it up to the point where he waited for me outside the whole time. And by outside, I mean in the hallway of every classroom I was in.
The hovering elicited a series of different reactions. For one, my measly human class mates had gotten the very pleasure of putting their eyes on him. I was disturbed to report that they weren't immune to his brand of beautiful either. One girl that I said hi to in passing actually gave me an enthusiastic thumbs-up when she spotted me alongside him.
The thing about Killua though was that he wasn't just very pretty, he was also very petty. Which was why when the inevitable encounter between him and Caden came as I stepped out of my Integrations class, he was anything but subtle about it.
Granted, he didn't cause a scene in the way I would have expected him to— a shove, a derogatory remark, or even… a straight smack to the face. But he did unexpectedly and out of nowhere pull me in for a kiss that was definitely not audience-appropriate.
His hand was on my butt and his tongue amply ran the parameter of my mouth and I was left completely breathless by the time he pulled away. That also did the reverse of helping with the audience thing, but it did have the effect he was hoping for because Caden absolutely vanished in thin air for the rest of the day.
"You are just… on another level," I mumbled sarcastically, as he opened the passenger door of his car for me.
"Glad you finally recognize that," he responded unfazed, bending down to fasten my seatbelt immediately.
He was in his seat by the time I continued. "….of petty."
"Is that news to you?" He asked, turning to look in my eyes as he fished for the answer.
"No, I know first-hand how unforgiving you can be. Anyway, isn't it going to be hard for you to keep up this babysitting routine for the unforeseeable future?" I diverted, not trusting that he'd stay unbothered on the topic of Caden too long.
"No, not really. It's not like there's much on the agenda now anyway."
Gon finding his father took place in such an underwhelming way that sometimes it was hard to wrap our heads around the fact that it did happen.
"You know, I was thinking that maybe… I ended up hallucinating the whole stalker thing," I postulated, fully doubting myself at this point. "I was running on days without sleep and insane amounts of coffee."
He gave me a critical look, clearly not at all sold on my theory. "Nice try, we're stuck with each other. Get over it."
"Oh, that part I don't mind at all," I clarified with a headshake. "It's just the idea of keeping you tied to me like this… it's a little depressing."
His eyes suddenly lit up at my words. "Actually… I think I have just the thing to cheer you up." He extended his hand into the seatback pocket behind me and fished something out. "This was supposed to be a Christmas present but it completely slipped my mind that I had it here."
He held the familiar and delicate black velvet box on the palm of his hand. I pulled my sleeve back and put the bracelet out for display, it managed to glitter on my wrist even in the dim light of the sunset.
"So, you know the routine by now," he approved with a smile.
"It's tradition," I justified, matching his expression. I wasn't big on gifts, but jewelry from Killua was a hard exception to that. Especially because he did have such exquisite taste in it.
He clicked the box open and took the charm out so quickly, I didn't get a chance to set my eyes on it until it was dangling from my wrist.
This time around, it was the thinnest outline of a heart— completely set with a cluster of shimmering white stones. It was beautiful, it was perfect— it was fitting.
"Beautiful," I whispered, overcome by the thought and detail behind it as always.
"You're not going to ask what it implies this time around?" He wondered, fascinated at my reaction as always.
"I think it's pretty clear," I told him, marveling at the collection that he had assorted around my wrist. "You love me."
That elicited another smile from him, this one was even more brilliant. "That I do."
"But I also feel bad now," I informed him, pouting as I stared at my brand-new charm. "In the fuss of it all, I didn't even think to get you anything."
"That's okay," he said slowly, his eyes betraying his upcoming words. "I have a few ideas on how you can make it up to me."
"There isn't an ounce of shame in you, is there?" I asked, rolling my eyes.
"No, none that I'm aware of," he confirmed with a self-satisfied smirk. "Besides, do you think I really went through the trouble of planning that whole getaway just to end up talking ninety percent of the time? Nope, you owe me."
"We'll see," I allowed, regarding him with a half-hearted glare. Then turned my attention back to my bracelet. "By the way, what are you going to do when all these links have charms in them?"
"I'll get you another one," he answered simply, admiring the bracelet with me. A look at his expression made me realize that I'd maybe gotten ahead of myself.
"I'm sorry… uh, I didn't mean to imply that… about the future and stuff," I stuttered, eventually swallowing from nervousness.
He arched an eyebrow when he caught my reaction. "And what's so bad about that?"
"Well… do you see a future with me?" I asked weakly, encouraged by his relaxed reaction. I was coming to realize that it was probably me who had the commitment issues and not him.
"Silly girl," he said fondly, clearly finding my fretting adorable. "That's all I see."
And I was left blinking back tears at the surety in his voice. Too bad he didn't know that the future wasn't up for either one of us to give.
Killua's P.O.V:
"Killua, can you at least promise that you'll try to be nice?" Claire pleaded, with that particular way she had of widening her eyes. She knew I had a weak spot for that look.
"I can make an attempt," I emphasized, trying not to get lost in that testing look. "…but that just depends."
"On what?" She asked, following me as I walked to regard myself in the mirror.
"On how cocky he's being, if he pisses me off I'll…" I baited, putting a finger to my chin to create suspense.
"You'll what?" Her voice was laden with anxiety.
"I'll probably zap him to a crisp," I humored with a shrug and seeing her reaction to those words was fabulously entertaining.
"Killua, come on." She was sitting on the edge of the bed now, looking like she had the matter of some impending war weighing her down. "Is there any way you can get through this without killing him?"
"Is there?" I wondered with matching exaggerated expressions. "You know what? Just for you, I'll take him off my people to kill list."
Her eyes had morphed into the size of orbs at that.
"I'm joking," I clarified, realizing that she was taking my words literally.
Her sigh of relief was absolutely comedic.
"You really thought I had a list of people to kill?" I asked, almost choking on the absurdity of the concept.
"Well…" She led, looking equal parts embarrassed and curious. "Would that be too far-fetched to assume?"
"Wow," I complimented, realizing that she really was serious. "We ran a family trade Claire, not a clown shop."
She just raised her hands in submission. "I'm just saying, please try to be just slightly civil with Luca, I know he's not your favorite person in the word."
"By a long stretch," I assented, moving to go sit beside her. "Honestly, just looking at the guy creeps me out."
"Why?"
"Well for one thing, he looks just like you and I hate him, it's hard to juggle those two aspects," I attempted to explain, though the matter wasn't so black and white.
"He does?" She asked, clearly surprised.
I was almost shocked that this was news to her. "You didn't know? You could 'She's the Man' him any day."
An amused smile took over her face at my description. "Look at you with your rom-com references, I guess force-watching those with me paid off, huh?"
"Immensely," I said, voice saturated with sarcasm.
"It's actually strange that you think Luca and I look so alike, we don't even have the same mother," she revealed a little hesitantly.
I was taken aback by that. "So you're half-siblings? And your sister and you were-"
"None of us shared a mother," she corrected immediately, sounding a whole lot like she wanted to defend that pathetic excuse of a brother. "I don't know much else, but that's the one thing we've always known, right since the start."
"I guess that makes sense, I don't think launching a happy nuclear family was on Gyro's agenda in the NGL," I reasoned, wondering if she had any impulse to find out more about her origins.
It wasn't unlikely that all three kids were products of nothing more than encounters with concubines. But I didn't want to risk her sinking back into the same spiral, so I never put forth the question. "Is that where you grew up, by the way?"
"I wouldn't know," she said honestly, "But since I made my way on foot to somewhere close to my hometown, I'm assuming not. It was probably somewhere right here in the USS."
"Hm," I processed, desperately wanting to banish those awful memories from her mind. "Anyway, have some faith in me. I'd like to remind you that you know me." I put a hand on her face, trying to ease her out of agitation.
"I do," she mused with an adorable smile. "Although… somethings about you don't make sense."
I blinked at her curious conclusion. "Really? Like what?"
She sat up a little straighter, the way she did when she was ready to launch into a rant. In my mind I pictured her like a wind-up toy right after the key had been cranked several times. "You grew up with an army of butlers, but you don't come off as spoiled like that at all. You know how to do everything. I mean, don't get me wrong, you're insufferably pretentious and clearly behave like a massively loaded person would. It's not the concept of you having butlers as much as it is that of you having things done for you. Because it is fitting that you'd have a life like that— strangely fitting actually. Also… you're friends with an octopus?"
I stared at her mutely for a moment. "You've clearly given this a lot of thought," I remarked, finding myself fascinated at the workings of her strange little mind.
She nodded feverishly. I really didn't have any idea how much knowing every single detail of my unremarkable existence meant to her. "Uh… I don't know what to tell you. I guess I've always been self-sufficient. Isn't that like something related to being the middle child or something? Also remind me, I have to get you to meet Ikalgo sometime, you two will hit it off."
She shrugged and tilted her head in an 'I wouldn't know' motion.
"But then again…" I reattempted, looking at her with narrowed eyes. "You're a middle child too, aren't you? And you can barely walk and breathe at the same time."
"Hey," she whined at my taunt. "I was raised as an only child too."
"Clearly, you're spoiled," I broke the news, tilting her chin up towards my face.
"Well, you're equally responsible for that," she countered with a pout.
"I just said that you were spoiled, not that I had a problem with it," I informed her, pretty sure my eyes looked hungry. The lower lip she was holding out looked so deliciously tempting.
"So, you're saying you intend to keep spoiling me?" She asked in a small voice, my impulses were clear to her.
"Of course." I gave in and bit her lip. A sudden sigh of pleasure and shock escaped her at my action.
"Do you have some time?" She asked breathlessly, her hands sinking down to the waistband of my pants.
"I do now," I relented immediately, not sure I'd ever seen her so expressive of her desire.
I eventually left her completely passed out on the bed as I walked out of the apartment and into my car. I was an hour late and completely fine with it. I had no sense of decorum to spare for that brother of hers.
After a few days of contemplation, I had decided that the most pragmatic approach was to join forces with him. At least, for the time being. He had a pool of information that would be useful to me and even the most potent of my grudges didn't hold up where Claire's wellbeing was concerned.
To Claire's dismay, she had to eventually surrender to the idea of him and I being in one place without any supervision. She had assessments coming up and had to eventually drown her head in those books and get cramming.
Her next best idea was to deploy Gon as a babysitter for the meeting, but she knew there was no one else I'd leave her with at the moment. So, her hands were tied— hence the agitation.
I found it a tad bit comical. I had no idea what she was expecting of me that left her in such shambles. It wasn't like I was going to beat up the guy… not fatally at least. She seemed to be forgetting that I did need the information he was offering. Not that the temporary alliance did anything to change my opinion of the guy.
"Hey, Killua," he greeted a little too enthusiastically when I walked into that ratty apartment of his. I wasn't sure I appreciated the fact that he thought we were on a first-name basis.
I just gave him a curt nod in response. "I hope you're doing well," he continued, completely unnecessarily, seeing as my opinion of him was no secret.
I was half tempted to tell him that I was doing more than well, in fact, I was just doing his sister- "Yeah," I substituted instead, Claire would murder me if I said that.
"Can I get you something, a water?" He further sucked up, sitting down and gesturing for me to do the same.
"Nope." His persistence made me wonder why he was so intent on making good with me. Probably to stay in Claire's good graces and play the martyr act he had going. What an insufferable asshole. "I don't have a lot of time," I told him, which wasn't necessarily true but he didn't necessarily need to know that.
"Right," he said, it was clear he was desperate to find some balance with me. "Well, most of the things are here in my laptop." He fished the device out of the bag right next to him and held it open.
The way he sat, leaving room on the side of the couch, gave me the impression that he expected me to position myself in his vicinity. I had to admit, the guy had audacity, he wasn't shaken off easily. But unfortunately for him, neither was I. I practiced grudges like art.
I made absolutely no movement other than lifting my arm to cross it with the other.
His shoulders sunk the slightest bit which was how I knew he got the message loud and clear. "It'll take just a moment…" He informed unprompted, fingers tapping on the laptop console. I noticed he was fretty, like his sister. The similarities were sickening.
I swept a quick look around the room. Scarce, almost empty, yet somehow still messy. The lack of space was suffocating. "Where's Ging?" I asked, figuring I might as well. I had spent a big chunk of my time tracking the fucker.
"He's out and about, hates being cooped up in here."
"Hm." My curiosity cut through my intention of ignoring him completely. "And how does he get out during the day? Isn't he being watched or something?"
"He is," he confirmed, looking up from the screen. "My ability comes in handy with that for him. Not sure if you remember but-"
"I remember," I cut him off, I didn't need the play-by-play. If he expected me to be grateful or impressed he had another thing coming. I made sure the boredom was unequivocally evident on my face.
His mouth turned up ever so slightly; an awkward half-smile to replace the lack of an answer.
"How does it work?" I probed, testing him. I liked to be in the know of what cards someone I didn't trust had under their sleeve. I was pretty sure he'd give it up in his desperation to form some semblance of civility between us and I was right.
Damn right I'd use his weakness of wanting to right wrongs with his sister, and I'd use it well. I'd use it to crack him open like a nut and then keep him at least half a world's distance away from her.
"I can conjure up trapdoors that are within a five meter radius of someone I've touched on the arm twice," he explained, a bit too openly and willingly for that to sit right with me. I recalled his subtle movements to stand next to Claire, now I knew the motive behind them.
The idea wasn't thrilling, but I knew that this was the reason he was able to instantly be by her side that night someone broke into the apartment. The guy was smart, quick to react, I'd have to give him that. "However many you want?" I challenged, I wanted to uncover how stealth he was with using nen and I also wanted to see if he'd resort to bullshitting me.
He shook his head, evidently transparent. "Depends on how long I can maintain them and the distance at which they're at. The closer they are, the more I can do. Also, every door lasts a specific amount of time, again depending on distance and other logistics, like how long I leave the door conjured and open for."
The only reaction I gave him was an unamused exhale through my nose, the eye roll that came with it was complimentary. I'd definitely seen better, Knov's Hide and Seek would put this unimaginative attempt to bed. "What a tired ability."
His mouth curved into a badly suppressed smile. "I understand you don't like me much."
"Much?" I reiterated, arching an eyebrow at him.
"I'm sure you have your reasons and I respect that, but please know we both share a love for Claire, I would never do anything to hurt her," he claimed and it took a scarily large portion of my resolve to not smack him right on that pretentious face of his.
"Right and that didn't apply to your other sister?" I dared him, my voice menacing. I wasn't expecting to be riled up this quickly and this intensely by him. But the thing was, I had a big problem with this guy. I knew his kind and I hated it.
It was the ever-preoccupied good guy persona, always selfless, always bothered for others. The Mr. My-Hands-Were-Tied kind with the disgusting victim mentality. I was pretty sure despite what he did, he had the nerve to feel sorry for himself. He didn't have to say, his face screamed that loud and clear like a neon sign.
My question shook his plastic composure, his jaw twitching from nervousness. If this bastard started crying, I'd really give him something to cry about.
"That was an impossible situation, nothing will ever justify it. Please, Killua, trust me when I say that is something I'm doomed to live with for the rest of my life. I had no choice," his voice dropped down to a whisper by the end.
"First, I don't trust you, so you'd be wrong to ask me to rely on that. Second, and I hope you'll drill this through your head— there is always a choice."
He swallowed, cornered, but I was right in guessing that he had one last card he'd play. "You weren't in that position," he refuted, his eyes dark in remembrance. "You can't understand because you weren't in my shoes."
"On the contrary, I more than understand." It was like my tongue was fighting the impulse to speak, refusing to let someone so undeserving know. But there was no way I was letting him get away with his empty claim. "I had a sister more or less like yours."
His eyes stretched wide on hearing my words. No response came, it was like he had forgotten how to speak altogether— he looked haunted. Good.
"I know what it's like, I know more than you think. I'm not saying I was a perfect brother, far from it. But the one thing I know is that love isn't given conditionally. Kids like Katie and Alluka don't deserve to be loved only when convenience is attached to it. You can't love someone like you're bestowing some favor on them and take it away in the worst of ways when it gets difficult. So, don't act like you did god's work in doing what you did. You made the choice that better suited you- you ran like a fucking coward." My voice cracked at the very end, I couldn't tell whether I was saying this to him or myself. "Now deal with the consequences."
It was sudden, but in his silence, I realized that my distaste for this man extended beyond his person. I saw in him the worst parts of myself, I saw in him— Illumi. With his personal brand and execution of right and wrong, no accountability, questionable motive. "What gave you the right to take her life?" I asked, my voice hollow, but it wasn't just him I should have asked this of.
He was shaking, shrunk under the weight of my words. I couldn't stay here a second more, necessities and attempts be damned. I got up and out before I lashed out on him. It had been a while… since I'd had the impulse. Since my hands twitched, demanding flesh, blood, life. That switch felt so fragile, I was surprised, it shouldn't have felt this reflexive.
Claire wouldn't forgive me if I lost control like that, it was beyond even considering. My aura had enveloped me and charged every nerve in my body before I even consciously decided to let it. My car's speed wouldn't do, so I let Godspeed take the lead in getting me out of there.
I ran like my life depended on it. Buildings, people, skylines blurred in my periphery as I shot past them. I ran like there were no confines, no limits to my mind, body, nothing tying me back from darting to the other end of the world simply because I felt like it. But I knew that could never be true.
I came to a halt so quickly, I took myself by surprise. Like my body had reacted to just the flicker of intention to stop. I was right at the outskirts of the city, high up on sky-touching rooftop. The whole of Yorknew City was at my feet, I wondered why I felt so small then.
I sighed. The unplanned confrontation left a bitter taste in my mouth. But the unplanned murderous intent- left me completely stunned. My composure and control only appeared effortless on the surface. It had been the product of years of practice. To learn the vulnerability of it and the extent to which it was tied to my own weakness was disturbing.
There was so much hatred I was sporting, so much unresolved darkness, and it took one moment for me to realize how close it was to the verge of spilling out. It was hard to come to terms with that. Gon would rock-paper-scissor the fuck out of me he knew I was relying on easy-fixes to ignore my feelings. It just never felt like it was a good time to burden anyone with the abyss of my mind.
Solace— there just simply wasn't any of it in that moment. Up until… I noticed the direction my whole body was angled to. Without any conscious thought to it, as if my being knew where I could seek what I was after. Quite like I was fitted with a compass that automatically oriented itself towards… home.
The sensation was hard to describe. But it was like this strange awareness of something tugging me back, towards… her. I felt it the instant I laid eyes on her and every moment after. It was why staying away from her or mad at her was next to impossible for me. Which had felt so strange right from the onset because nursing feuds and cutting ties never took a second thought.
As if on cue, my cellphone started buzzing furiously in my pocket. It took me a moment to check the caller ID and then take it. "So, your brother snitched?" I guessed, not sure what version of her I'd be getting.
"No… but he was calling me so I figured the meeting was good as over," she explained, the attempt to mask her concern did not work on me.
"Does that make you mad?" It was a small, stupid, childish question. The kind I never asked because I wasn't in the business of seeking reassurances. But for whatever reason, I really wanted a comforting answer from her in that moment.
She didn't let me down. "Of course not, Killua. Also, you lasted a whole of fifteen minutes, I think? I owe Gon five bucks."
"You guys put a wager on me?" I asked in disbelief. "And five bucks? Is my resolve really worth that little?"
"What can I say, Maya put the idea in our heads."
"Of course she did," I assented in a deadpan tone.
"I'm not mad, okay?" She pressed and it felt strange, seeing her and letting her manage… me for once. "I'm glad you're out of there and that no one's hurt. You don't like the guy and you have your reasons, valid reasons. Also, I know… it's deeper than that." Her interpretation took me by surprise, especially because it was spot-on. I was left wondering how had she figured out something that I myself was just coming to terms with.
My silence probably told her everything she needed to know. A buzz of someone's voice behind her took away from the moment. "Gon asks when you'll be back," she told me, although it sounded like she wanted to know the answer just as bad.
"I'll be a moment," I assured her, a small smile taking over my lips. I wasn't sure what it was that made me this sentimental over that one routine question. But I just thought, for one moment, how glorious it was, what a silent privilege it was, to have people waiting for you to get home.
"I also just remembered something," she said, bringing me back to right now. "It could be good news, but you might also kind of end up getting mad at me… maybe."
I raised an eyebrow at her transparency. "Not another secret, I hope?"
"Not an intentional one, I swear, it just completely slipped my mind until now," she assured, I could picture her biting her lip as she spoke. "Do you remember when it took a tad too long to extract those files from the databases at the JCI?"
What she was leading into was already a clear indication that I was going to be severely pissed off by the end of this conversation. "Don't I?" My tone was harsh and there wasn't much I could about it at the moment.
"Okay, I'm going to choose to ignore the assassin voice and retain the courage to be transparent and not keep secrets, which we know is new to me but that's like… whatever."
I sighed at her indirect plead. "Sorry, continue."
"I actually also typed in and got everything there was about Ingrid in there too, not sure if it was the unplanned rendezvous that possessed me to that but… anyway, I guess it could come in handy now if you're able to get the data out of that flash-drive."
"I'm pretty sure it was your lack of survival instincts that possessed you to do that. I'm coming to realize things just aren't fun for you unless you're putting your life on the line," I taunted, mad but not wanting to discourage her from opening up to me again.
"Sure, we can go with that," she agreed with an unmissable grin in her voice. "Explains why I'm dating you."
I rolled my eyes at her attempt. "Clearly."
"Aside from your super-human good looks and undeniable charm," she added, flattery clearly not her forte.
"You're laying it on a little too thick honey," I told her, she got me to crack a smile at that but I wasn't going to let her know that. I had to keep my girlfriend humble.
"Ah, well, I tried. I'll see you?"
"You will," I confirmed and then I put the phone back in my pocket as I crouched down and took in the view. It seemed like another encounter with Milluki was inevitable, I couldn't decide which was the lesser of two evils between Claire's brother and my own.
I sucked in a decisive breath before springing into a jump, letting myself completely go into a freefall. As I dropped down, I thought about the sequence of events that had unfolded— my family's involvement, the parallel between Claire and I's lives, and the impossible game of hide and seek we were now forced to play with a shadow.
I flipped over and landed on my feet a few meters before I would have hit the ground headfirst. There was this unsettling feeling that we were missing something, maybe going about it wrong. But I wasn't sure what or why. I wasn't sure to what extent I could trust my gut feelings ever since I caught on to the needle Illumi had planted in my head.
I mistrusted myself out of habit now, what a clever little curse, I thought. The devil's work indeed. I wondered if this mind fog was simply out of involving myself with the likes of them again. Probably so.
I nursed a cigarette, finding my way back to my car— exactly where I'd left it parked in front of that odious apartment complex. I never wanted to see it again. The drive home wasn't long, which I appreciated because I didn't trust the thoughts I'd detour into if left on my own for too long.
I called out an empty greeting when I got home, taking my shoes off and sitting down on the living room couch. I had half a mind to drown my thoughts into the news, for which intent exactly I was looking for the TV remote.
"Here," Claire said, putting the very object I was after in my hands. She had suddenly materialized out of nowhere to sit on the armrest to my side. "You look tired," she noted touching her hand to my face, before I had the chance to even speak.
"Do I?" I asked, blinking under her touch. For the slightest instant, I saw my face reflected in her eyes, I looked— breakable. That was unsettling.
Not another word had passed between us when Gon catapulted himself across the backrest of the couch and mauled me into a suffocating hug. "My hair-" I choked out, not having room to do much else.
"You'll get over it," Claire assured, jumping into the embrace.
"What the heck, you idiots," I reprimanded, but my heart clearly wasn't in it. A fact the giant ridiculous grin that materialized on my face did not leave up to guesswork.
"You've been taking care of everybody else Killua, don't you think it's time to cut yourself some slack too?" Gon asked, evidently not fooled by any of my attempts. I wanted to dismiss it, but there was one painfully undeniable thing I had learned over the years: Gon always knew.
And between the two of them joining forces, I wasn't sure how much of a choice I had on the matter. "What is this? An intervention?"
"It's a Killua is the best friend and best boyfriend in the world party," Claire announced, clearly on a mission.
"So, a Killua pity party?" I deciphered, my face still partially squished by Gon's meter-long spikes.
"Killua, it's been hard on you hasn't it?" Gon pressed drawing back to face me, looking awfully like he was about to shed tears.
I swallowed, that always made me freeze up.
"All these years, especially the last one," He went on and I wanted to play it off someway but my tongue wasn't cooperating and something immovable had lodged itself in my throat. "Running after Ging from one place to the other, you didn't take a second to yourself, not even after everything that happened with Alluka. And that's on me, I'm sorry I didn't push that more, I should have beat the crap out of you until you processed that instead of relying on your assurances."
My lips quivered, the last thing I wanted to do was breakdown, right here in front of the two people that meant the most to me. And I realized how sad that was of me.
"And look at it now, we did what we set out to do so many years ago and it hasn't even hit us yet because of the shitty circumstances in which it happened and because you never really gave yourself the time to mourn."
"That's…" not true, I wanted to say, but I couldn't bring myself to lie. I hadn't, it was true, but time wasn't the independent factor in that. It was me. I'd buried myself in work, set myself on autopilot to avoid letting the reality of it all pull me underwater.
It wasn't as if I'd been able to completely outrun it all these years. It did sneak up on me, in the most unexpected times and in the most terrifying of ways.
"You're not Luca, Killua," Claire reminded, breaking me out of my trance and into a completely new one. "You're so much better than him, hell, you're better than everyone."
To my other side, Gon nodded furiously at her insane verdict.
"You were the best brother to Alluka, just like you're the best at honoring every relationship and person you care for. Not a singular doubt in our minds about that."
I just shut my eyes and dipped my head a bit. I wanted to tell them that they were just saying that to make me feel better. But damn did it feel good to hear.
"—And there is absolutely no guarantee, Killua, that you staying would have saved her. None whatsoever. Your family did that on their own accord, you need to understand that you staying or leaving did not play a role in that," she laid down, her voice firm and unwavering, like she truly was speaking some unmovable truth.
Hearing those words was a paradoxical experience, I wanted, needed to hear them. But doing so made me want to catapult into an ocean of self-hatred that was unforgiving.
"Can you believe that, Killua?" She asked, tipping my chip up with her fingers and prompting me to open my eyes.
I didn't know what to say, but I really wished I did. I really wished I could.
"Be honest, you know it in your heart, would Alluka be mad at you over any of it?" Gon challenged, knowing the twists and turns of my mind like the back of his hand. "Would she be okay with seeing you suffer over carrying this with you for so many years?"
The answer was so clear, I couldn't even fight myself on it. The only thing Alluka ever cared about was… my happiness. There were never any accusations or complaints in her eyes, even when I couldn't take time out to see her as often as she liked. There was always that bright spark of undiluted joy when she saw me— no questions, no objections, and absolutely no discontentment of any kind.
She was just happy to see me when she saw me, and happy whenever I was happy. I was coming to realize that I'd learned a lot about the way I cared from her. That did something to my soul.
"Letting yourself off the hook from the guilt won't take away from the love you have for her," Claire told me, still staring right into my eyes. "You loved her Killua, and you loved her good. You still do."
"And we love you," Gon added letting me know in no subtle way that I was going to have to drill this through my head. "And we can say first hand that if you went ahead and did something just for yourself we'd probably die of joy."
"—we so would and then we'd probably have a massive dance party in the afterlife over how happy we were that you were being selfish," Claire seconded and I could actually picture the ridiculous picture she painted. "What is Killua's definition of being selfish anyway?"
"Probably breathing without taking into consideration how much air there might be left for the rest of us," Gon bested with an eye roll.
"Right or entertaining a thought that doesn't have the greater good of humanity at the forefront…" Claire interjected, elated at the opportunity.
"Sitting down when there's a possibility someone might need him in the next hour? Truly inconsiderate," He added with a straight face.
"Alright, alright, I get it," I cut off, forcing irritation in my tone but not quite managing to get there.
"Point is, you did nothing wrong, you thought of yourself once, you're not responsible for your family's insanity, and to top it all off, you were twelve." She counted every aspect on her fingers, emphasizing words with gritted teeth.
I nodded, knowing that they'd probably throw me out a window if I didn't get this into my thick skull. But my quiet assent wasn't enough, she took my face in her hands. "Repeat the gist of what you've learned."
I blinked, feeling like a hostage at that point. "Wasn't my fault-" I repeated, voice suppressed from the way my face was squished. "It's okay to think about myself…"
Both of them nodded like bobble head dolls at my every word, like this was some sort of communal chant. "And?" They both probed further in unison.
"Claire's brother is a bumfuck loser and I'm nothing like him."
They both looked at one another at my controversial statement and then eventually shrugged. "Fair enough."
"Does this make you want to smack Luca any less?" She confirmed, letting go of my face.
"Sure, yeah, we'll go with that," I relented, feeling my cheeks with my fingers after her assault.
"So, would it be okay if I met up with him once in a while? He's my brother after all."
"Under supervision… sure." My answer did not please her, but I realized I was free to annoy the fuck out of them both right now.
She pursed her lips, the same realization hitting her too. "If you think about it… he's the only person in the world related to me by blood."
"A fact that means absolutely nothing sometimes." A statement that was somehow perfectly fitting in that moment.
I put my arms around the both of them, just as forcefully as they had ambushed me before. I was a little gentler on Claire, because she'd turn into a pretzel if I used even a tenth of my strength on her. But Gon I absolutely did not go easy on.
My best friend turned blue from the lack of air, while my girlfriend's hair was swept crazily around her entire face from the way she was squirming in my embrace. "Who's idea was this anyway?" I asked, enjoying seeing them in their miserable states.
Gon managed to move an arm to point in Claire's direction, who was replicating the same gesture on her own side. I let them go when Gon's skin was close a teal color and Claire had dramatically stopped moving altogether.
"And what have the two of you learned?" I asked, mocking their exact tones while they recovered from my attack.
"You're a strong son of a bitch Killua Zoldyck," Gon sucked up, thousand watt grin back in place despite the tears glistening at the corners of his eyes.
"Yeah, it's super hot," Claire kissed ass with zero hesitation.
"Are you two okay?" I verified, convinced that they'd lost it.
"Yes, beautiful actually," she confirmed and I couldn't help but burst into a laugh at their attempt.
"You guys look drunk," I informed the lot of them, their intervention beginning to look a lot like a stand-up comedy show going downhill.
"We're not…" Gon assured with a thoughtful expression. "But doesn't it feel like a good night to let loose?"
Claire was feverishly displaying her agreement on the matter moving her head up and down in a dizzying way.
"Right… so this was the grand plan that you two geniuses came up with together? Drink away our feelings?"
"And why not?" Gon demanded, looking so determined it was hilarious. "We've had a shit streak of weeks, let's have some fun. I bet I could get Maya to join us too."
"Oh goody," I fake-cheered with the whole motion of clapping my hands together.
And that was how I found myself lodged between Claire, Gon, and Maya at an insufferable rooftop bar about twenty minutes from where we lived. My only solace was that the distance wasn't outrageous, because I'd be the one left to carry these bums back home when the time came.
Claire, standing lightweight champion, had established a personal record by passing out, face on the table, after a mere three shots of vodka.
Gon, on the other hand, had always been funny with alcohol. He pin ponged between sloppy and happy drunk, ultimately sinking into straight-up perviness when it got too much for him.
Maya (I couldn't bring myself to even think of the name without making a face), it seemed, was the only one who held her alcohol well. She clearly had no problem with Gon's surprisingly crude remarks, which told me she definitely had seen a raunchier side of him. That knowledge made me shiver a little.
I entertained the dry martini in front of me and occupied myself with my phone. I had a few ongoing conversations to attend to anyway. After how the whole Ging saga played out, I hadn't thought to revisit the leads I'd asked Milluki to look at for me.
He had reached out with a follow up but I didn't pursue it further due to obvious reasons. Now there was a motive to do so again, so I shot him a text.
I looked around, crowds of clueless teenagers, sloppy young adults, and people who were clearly too old to be there made my skin crawl. I'd never really gotten the time to indulge in the whole typical teenage experience and I wasn't the least bit regretful of it.
I turned my attention back to my little group. Claire's brown hair was spread on the table like a fuzzy cloth. I passed a gentle hand across her face, to brush some of the hair off it.
My slight movement seemed to jolt her to life, her eyes fluttering open in confusion. She straightened up so quickly, she would have spilled every drink on the table if it wasn't for my and Maya's quick reflexes. She saved her bright pink cosmopolitan that matched her outfit down to a tee in the nick of time.
Claire's spasm seemed to instigate one in Gon too, who buried his face in his girlfriend's curls and whispered something I assumed was not for delicate years. She looked very pleased with whatever he told her.
"Killua," Claire moaned, her voice absolutely hammered. She put her arms around my shoulders like she'd fall off without support.
I hadn't had too much exposure with drunk Claire, but she was always a handful and always aggressively affectionate when she got in her element. "Yes." I put a hand on her forearm to steady her.
"You're so pretty…" she started, I was beginning to realize that this was a whole routine. I could probably crack it completely if I saw it a couple of more times.
I patted her arm a couple of times to acknowledge the compliment. On the other side of the table, Maya was enjoying the spectacle with an amused look.
Right then Claire progressed on to planting an array of kisses on every inch of my face, like one would do with a child. It was so sudden and so exasperatingly ridiculous, I didn't even know what to do except shut my eyes and let it pass.
Maya exploded in hysterical laughter and I honestly couldn't keep myself from giving into an exasperated smile. Claire settled her head on my shoulder and knocked out again.
The moment was fleeting though, because suddenly my phone chimed from a message. I was quickly skimming through the details Milluki had sent when the last part of his text drained the color from my face. It was like every light and sound in my immediate environment backed away, giving room to an ominous ringing.
Simultaneously, the hair at the back of my neck stood up in sudden alarm. The events were so contemporaneous I wasn't sure which had caused which. Was it the unsettling text or the abrupt feeling of being watched? And the undeniable malice it carried?
The moment was over as soon as it had started and I had no idea what to make of it. The music, the enthusiastic talk, and the flashing lights were back at the forefront.
I was about to chalk it up to nerves when I spotted the way Maya was looking at me. She didn't need to say a thing— she had felt it too.
I cast a sweeping look on Claire and Gon before directing my gaze back to her. I just silently raised a finger to my lips. My directions were clear: Don't say anything. I'll handle it.
Her silent compliance was very unexpected but certainly appreciated.
I got up in one fluid motion and helped both Claire and Gon to their feet. Maya held on to one of his arms to steady him.
Under the cover of our quiet exit, my thoughts raced, fixated on the text like a phantom limb throbbing in my pocket. A seemingly innocent closing remark.
—Big brother Illumi sends his regards.
Author's Note:
Chapter summary: Claire passed out in various ways while Killua deals with all kinds of shit.
Jokes aside though, the countdown begins guys! From what I've estimated, the story should be wrapped up in the next two, maybe three chapters. The last one will probably just be an epilogue though.
Anywhoo, this is the longest chapter I've written in a while. Makes me wonder... what chapter lengths do you guys prefer? How are you liking the plot so far? What guesses do you have about the ending?