AN: You guys are killing it with the reviews! They are appreciated and I love reading your thoughts on the story thus far. Please keep them coming, they are keeping me motivated to write and post chapters quickly! I switched POV for this chapter and it ended up annoying me, so going forward I will likely write one in Meredith's POV and the next in Derek's. This is a big chapter you guys, enjoy!
Meredith's POV
About a week had passed already since I realized that Derek was a surgical resident in Seattle and had essentially been living here the entire 5 years that I had been, assuming he did his intern year at Seattle Grace. It made my stomach hurt just thinking of all the times we could have run into each other or taken the same Ferry, or both been at Pike's Place market at the same time or even just visited the same grocery store on the same evening. I wondered about what life would have been like if he saw me with my daughter and met her out of the blue. I wondered if he'd blame me or if he'd refuse to acknowledge her as his child. I wondered if he would have run in the other direction or if he'd want to talk to me like he did last week at the hospital. In my mind, I was never going to tell Derek about our daughter. It just seemed to be the right thing, I felt like I was honoring what he asked for, no contact. If I would serve as his constant reminder of Amy, then I would accept his refusal to have me as part of his life. It had always hurt, always. In a way, it always would, but I moved on. Every feeling I had for Derek, I channeled into my daughter. She made me stronger and her love of life, gave me mine back. I was truly happy. Being a mother was a fulfilling piece of my life and through my relationship with my dad, stepmom, and Lexi, I had the family support I had always needed growing up. It didn't mean that at times I didn't long for a romantic partner. I wasn't a nun, I still had needs that I got met from time to time. I went on dates. My longest relationship post my daughter's entrance into this world, had lasted about 3-months. He was a nice guy, but I never wanted anything serious and the more he wanted out of me, the more I backed away. My life was content as it was.
"Hey, you" Susan greeted me as she made her way down the stairs and into our living room. I was up late studying up on a procedure that Dr. Peterson wanted the interns versed on for tomorrow. I was studying up just in case they were incompetent, and they needed the med student to fill in. It was unlikely, but the case was fascinating.
"Hi" I greeted her with a smile. I always enjoyed my time with Susan.
"I'm glad you're up, I want to talk." She told me and sat down beside me on the couch. I closed my laptop as she adjusted her cardigan tighter around her and pushed her glasses to the top of her head and behind her ears. She looked like she had something on her mind.
"How are things at the hospital?" she asked staring at me intently.
"They're fine." I told her and it was the truth.
"Yeah?" she continued. She wanted more.
"Yeah, I'm getting used to it now. I like the procedures I've gotten to observe, and we have a cool case tomorrow of a guy who has a rare brain eating parasite. There's been less than 10 cases ever."
"Ewww, should I be concerned that you're so excited about this?" Susan said with a laugh.
"Maybe" I told her.
"Well, I'm glad that things are going well, but I have a feeling that you're not telling me the full truth. You've been a little distracted, like something's on your mind." Susan responded. She was always good at that whole mom thing, of knowing when I was being evasive or when some detail was being left out. Ellis would just take whatever I said at face value no matter how bad of a liar I was. I think it was because she was never truly interested in me.
I sighed "There is this one thing." I told her, not knowing how to even put into words the truth of the matter and how my brain had been in overtime for a week now. Besides, there was no point in lying to Susan, she would get the truth out me eventually and I was too tired that play the cat and mouse game.
"What kind of thing?" she asked gently. She looked concerned.
"Maybe it's not a thing. Maybe, I'm just in my head too much or maybe I'm second guessing myself and my decisions. Maybe, it's not that big of a deal and I can just pretend it never happened and when I'm done with my neuro rotation, I can do my peds one on the opposite end of the hospital and everything will be like it was-" I rambled before Susan cut me off.
"Meredith, sweetie, you're doing that thing that your dad does where he rambles, and someone has to cut him off. I'm cutting you off. Please give me some context here." She told me light-heartedly. Susan didn't have a mean bone in her body.
"Derek Shepherd works at Seattle Grace, and I saw him on my first day."
Susan sucked in a breath. My dad and Susan knew everything about my daughter's father, conception, and the entire situation. When I showed up on their doorstep years ago, I sobbed, and it all came out of me in a very uncharacteristic way that I blame heavily on my broken heart and raging hormones. They took me in no questions asked.
"Okay" Susan said tensely and looked as if she was lost in thought.
"Yeah" I muttered lamely.
"Did you speak with him?" she asked.
"Yeah, briefly. He doesn't know anything, I left him sitting on a bench outside. I told him I was keeping my promise or whatever by not talking to him."
"Oh sweetie, come here" she told me, and I fell into her arms. She held me closely and comforted me, but I didn't cry, and I wasn't going to. I wasn't the weak girl he left five years ago anymore, I had changed.
"Your dad and I knew something has been off all week." Susan was also annoyingly intuitive.
"Do you think I should tell him?" I asked her genuinely vested in her opinion. I trusted Susan and I knew she was a good person who always did the right thing. I wanted to know what she would do.
"Only you can and should make that decision. I don't know Derek. What he did to you was horrible and as a parent, that is hard for me to forgive. However, only you know if he just did a horrible thing or if he's truly a horrible person."
I contemplated what she said, "Derek's not a horrible person or I wouldn't have fallen in love with him."
Susan nodded in understanding.
"It's just not that simple." I told her honestly.
"Of course, it's not." Susan agreed as she pushed a piece of my bangs behind my ear.
"You know a few months ago, she asked me about her dad." I admitted.
"She did?" Susan asked.
"Yeah, that week of the father-daughter dance at the pre-school. She asked me where her dad was because none of the other girls brought their grandpas like she did."
"What did you say?" Susan asked.
"I showed her his picture and told her that he was going to school to become a surgeon the last time I saw him and that sometimes moms and dads don't work out and that it's okay. I asked her if she was happy with her family here and she said she was and that was it."
"She hasn't brought it back up?" Susan asked
"No."
"There will always be a curiosity there especially as she gets older." Susan continued.
"I know, but what if he rejects her? I don't want her to feel one day like she wasn't wanted or wasn't worthy." I told Susan honestly.
"Is that how you felt growing up?" Susan asked me gently.
I blinked back a tear or two, we didn't ever talk about my dad and Ellis's divorce or how my dad never fought hard enough for me. We moved forward, him and Susan had helped me so much that it got easier and easier every day to chip away at the grudge I had worn on my shoulders for years.
I never answered Susan and she patted my leg "We can talk about it all oneday, but today, you have a decision to make, and I support you and your dad will support you no matter what you decide."
"Thanks Susan" I breathed.
"Meredith, the most important thing is that little girl sleeping upstairs is loved and she knows she's loved. You have done the best job in the world. You need to give yourself that."
I had never been more thankful for Susan's presence in my life.
Derek's POV
Meredith had avoided me at the hospital and a huge part of me felt relieved. I didn't think there was anything I could say to make things better, but there was a gnawing ache in me that I needed to try. Life was giving me a second chance and at a minimum I owed her an apology. I had worked on myself a lot the past few years, Ma finally convinced me to go to counseling about two years ago and I was reluctant but eventually I went and now I could at least talk about my sister's death with certain people. I hadn't spoken about Amy in years up to that point. I had turned my back on a lot of people after the accident, Meredith being first then Mark, my sisters and then even my parents. I distanced everyone as the ache in me over Amy's death burdened me day in and day out. When she died, we had been fighting and the last thing out of my mouth had been horrific. I still wish I could have taken it back, but as my therapist has reminded me countless times, Amy is gone, and I am here, and I have to forgive myself. Meredith showing up in Seattle was not something that I ever thought would happen. In my mind, she was on the East Coast. She was tied to Boston. It never crossed my mind that maybe she needed to escape too. I always saw her as stronger than me. She always had the ability to just move forward, to accept fate for what it was and make the best of it. I knew I destroyed her when I broke things off the way I did, but she handled it far better than I ever could have. She still held her head high that day, she still was able to walk through her dead best friend's room and wear the item that had meant so much to her. I couldn't even look at a picture of Amelia until last year.
It was a hectic day at the hospital, and I was distracted. I had a solo surgery coming up in a few hours and I had already fucked up a case earlier and Dr. Peterson was on my ass. I needed my head in the game now more than ever. I needed to finish out my residency on good footing so that I had all the options available for my fellowship. Now that Meredith was here, maybe leaving Seattle would be the right thing. She deserved to flourish here without me and our baggage hovering over her. I grabbed a coffee and muffin from the first-floor coffee cart and made my way to the residents longue, I hoped it would be empty so that I could be alone with my thoughts.
I sighed in relief as I realized I was the only one here and I took a seat on my favorite couch, crossing one leg over the other as I sipped on my espresso. I took a bite out of the muffin and grimaced, it was stale and probably shouldn't have been sold.
I opened my phone and scrolled through my contacts, I needed to talk to someone and get some things off my mind.
I dialed a familiar number at last and smiled when I heard the familiar voice of my dad
"Hi Derek" he seemed happy to hear from me.
"Hey dad. How are you?" I asked
"Good. Kathleen just left; she brought the baby over." Dad stated, I could just see his grin through the phone. He loved his grandchildren.
"How's he doing?" I asked genuinely interested in my nephew. I hadn't met him yet and really needed to prioritize a trip home.
"He's great. We think he's going to be a linebacker. He's almost double the size of his brother when Thomas was this age." My dad continued with a laugh.
"That's great dad." I told him.
"So how are you? I haven't heard from you in a couple weeks."
"I'm alright. I'll probably choose my fellowship program soon." I told him
"Good. Anymore thoughts on coming back out East?" dad asked
"I'm thinking about it."
"Okay" dad stated. I appreciated that he never wanted to push me. He wanted me to make this decision for myself.
"Dad, I need to tell you something."
"I'm all ears." I could hear him shifting, maybe sitting down in the background.
"Meredith Grey is here." I told him evenly.
Dad was silent.
"Have you spoken with her?" he asked. He didn't seem surprised in the least and his voice was relatively calm and casual.
"Yeah, briefly. She's in med school and doing rotations at the hospital. Richard knows her and wanted to introduce us and he did. She's been avoiding me ever since." I told him
"Well, can you blame her?" Dad asked. His voice didn't hold judgement, he was just being candid with me, and I appreciated it.
"No, I mean I know I was awful to her. I don't deserve anything; I was just shocked to see her in Seattle of all places."
Dad was silent again. Maybe he had a lot of thoughts of his own going off in regards to Meredith, but I couldn't really tell.
"I mean, how ironic is that dad? Out of all the places in the country, we're both here at the same time."
"Sounds like fate to me." Dad told me.
"Maybe, it's just bizarre."
"You think too much Derek, life is giving you a second chance. Make amends with her, talk to her, get to know her again if she'll let you. You two loved each other about as good as any two people could and a tragedy happened and you made a mistake-"
"Dad" I cut him off
"No, I'm going to say it because I didn't say it then when I should have, you made a grave mistake when you let go of that girl. She was family to us. Amelia wouldn't have wanted to see you throw her away like that. And I let you do it Derek, because you were heartbroken over your sister, and you grieve just like your mom, and I understand. However, it's been five years and we've all had to move forward. If Meredith is in Seattle, then take it as a sign and make something of it. Real love doesn't just dry up and fade away."
"Maybe it wasn't real if I was able to walk away from her like that." I mumbled as I ran my hand through my hair. My dad was speaking the truth and he was telling me whether I wanted to hear it or not.
"Bullshit Derek Shepherd and you know it." He told me loudly. I knew he wasn't mad though, he just wanted me to hear him, and I was.
"I know" I replied quietly. My dad had the ability to make me face the true when he finally had enough and needed me to see the light.
"I'm not going to say anything more about it. Tell me about work and how's Mark doing?"
I finished my conversation with my dad and found some real food before making it to my first solo procedure of the day. I thought long and hard about what my dad said and decided that I would find Meredith and talk to her. It was long overdue that I groveled and asked for forgiveness. I wasn't sure that I was ready to talk to her about Amy's death yet, but a conversation was a good start.
Meredith's POV
"You're on the neuro rotation, right?" A girl asked coming up to me while I ate my lunch. It was a slow day on the neuro floor with a lot of the residents doing solo surgeries for evaluations. They didn't want a lot of extra hands in the OR's, so I found myself exploring the hospital and actually sitting down to have a meal. I balanced my kindle on the table as I ate my apple. I was perfectly content on my own.
"Yeah" I told her looking up from my book. My apple was nearly finished.
She took a seat next to me "Thought so. I'm on cardio." She told me abrasively as she dug into her hotdog and chips. I couldn't help but smile at this girl. I didn't have any friends here.
"Oh, you're a med student?" I asked taking her in. She was shoveling food like she was about to miss a surgery and her dark hair was pulled back in a ponytail like mine.
"Yeah, Stanford." She told me eyeing me before working back on her plate.
"Oh, I'm Meredith, Meredith Grey by the way" I introduced myself. I would have shaken her hand, but the occasion didn't seem appropriate.
"I know" she stated simply.
"Okay" I replied, not sure how to take that.
"Cristina. Everyone usually just calls me Yang. It's my last name." she informed me.
"Right, Cristina."
She quickly finished up her food and checked her watch "So, noon tomorrow same place?" she asked.
"Yeah, sure. Same place." I told her. I think I had just made a friend and apparently someone to eat lunch with every day. I smiled to myself.
I quickly found Dr. Peterson who told me to observe one of the neuro attendings while he was working with the residents today. I was pretty much ignored as the interns were the ones who got to do all the grunt. I found it pretty boring just observing patient care all day and wished more than anything that I could be the one running labs or even fetching cups of coffee. It gave my mind time though to think about my conversation with Susan from a few nights ago and I decided on finally having a conversation with Derek. After a lot of thought, I decided that he should know. What he did with that knowledge, I reserved myself to be okay with either way. I thought I was protecting my daughter by not telling him, but maybe it was my own projections from my childhood.
I checked the board to see that Derek was scrubbed into a surgery that had started about two hours ago. I knew well enough to know that the surgery he was in was likely 4 hours minimum and decided that I would just have to catch him at a different time. As I went to leave, I heard two interns coming out of the gallery above his OR. It had been the closest one to the Board.
"I can't believe Shepherd lost him. Did you see his face in there?" one asked
"The guy was a goner before Shepherd even started."
"Hey, were you coming from Dr. Derek Shepherd's OR?" I asked them
"Yeah, he's still in there scrubbing out if you need to talk to him." One of them told me sensing my urge to see him.
"Thanks" I called and walked through the doors of OR 1. Derek was in the scrub room with a sullen look on his face. He was meticulously washing his hands and looked deep in thought. Dr. Peterson was talking to him before his page went off and he left. Nurses were cleaning up the Operating Room and Derek was wearing a Blue Scrub Cap. He looked crestfallen. I figured I could ask Derek to meet up with me later when we were both off our shifts and could talk freely. I didn't have a plan going in to talk to him, I figured the words would just come.
Derek's POV
"Derek, I need to talk to you." I heard Meredith blurt as she made her way into the OR.
"Yeah, we… I owe you that." I replied and wondered if I looked as sad as I currently felt. I had built up the courage to talk to her earlier, but now I just felt like a failure. I lost my patient and Amelia's face flashed before my eyes and I wasn't sure I had it in me to give the conversation what it deserved.
"Not here. Let's talk later. I… It's important." She told me and I took the time to focus back on the conversation at hand and to actually study her face in even more detail. She had grown up and there was a quiet confidence to her that far surpassed any level she previously possessed. She was still so beautiful and in a way the Meredith standing before me was even more stunning than the one that visited me in my dreams or memories.
"Derek?" she asked pulling me from out of my trance. God, how could I have ever left her?
"I take the Ferry every night, are you familiar with the Coleman Dock?" I asked her pulling myself together as best I could.
Meredith nodded "My shift here ends at 7."
I checked my watch "I should be able to make that work unless my next surgery runs over."
"Yeah, I get it. Surgeon's kid remember?" Meredith asked crossing her arms over her chest. There was no haughty tone to her voice or really any tone at all. She was calm, and she spoke evenly. If she harbored deep emotions still, they were nowhere to be found.
I nodded "Yeah, I remember." I told her softly smiling at her in a way that felt painful, and she didn't return the gesture.
"Okay, I'll see you then. It's important." She reiterated
"I know Meredith." I told her and it was the first time in years I had said her name out loud, and it felt foreign and wonderful on his tongue all at once besides when I said it earlier to my dad. Meredith turned and walked away, and I couldn't help watching her walk out of the scrub room feeling the all too familiar butterflies in my stomach. How could life be so cruel and amazing both at once to bring this girl well woman now, I corrected back from the grave I left her at in Boston in so many years ago.
At 7:15 I saw Meredith walking towards me. She had changed out of her scrubs and into a low-cut V-neck sweater and tight pair of jeans. She had her hair down but still wore the thin wristwatch she always played with that had belonged to Ellis.
I stood up to greet her unsure of myself and she placed her bag down on the bench I had been occupying before taking a seat herself. I followed suit and sat back down beside her. We were both quiet, both gathering our thoughts and looking out at the body of water and Bainbridge Island far in the distance.
"I live out on Bainbridge Island." I told her breaking the silence. I didn't even know where to start and for some reason disclosing where I lived felt the least personal and I went with it.
"Pretty" Meredith responded absently. She wasn't here for small talk, and I knew that.
"Yeah, I want to buy a lot of land out there once I become an attending. I'm hoping to build a house eventually." I continued knowing this wasn't what she was here for, but I didn't know how to start the conversation she was looking for. I couldn't talk about Amelia with her. It brought everything back up to the surface, even seeing her now, I feared what I would turn into again if I was forced to feel what it was like to have a dead baby sister with Meredith. For so many years I chose not to feel it. Ending my relationship abruptly and cruelly with Meredith as I did so many summers ago ensured that I was able to keep that chapter closed and anytime something reminded him of Amelia, I instantly shut it out. I was still working through this in therapy. I was making steps, but it would be delusional to say I was hole and healed.
"Derek-"Meredith began turning her body so she could physically look me in the eye and begin the difficult conversation I knew needed to be had.
"I know you're looking for an apology and I have one for you but I can't-" I started instantly panicking. I just wasn't ready to talk to Meredith Grey about my dead sister. I honestly wasn't ready to talk to Meredith Grey at all, but I wanted to.
"Derek, I don't want to talk about her. Well, I do. Eventually, I do. First, I have to tell you something and I need you to listen and not interrupt me. Can you do that?" Meredith told me already knowing my unease around Amy's death. I got the feeling that she knew it would take me a very long time to get to a place where we could hold space for that conversation together.
"I'll try" I told her sincerely scratching the back of my head nervously before threading my fingers together and laying them on my knee.
"This is going to be hard." She stated and I couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to herself, but I nodded in understanding either way.
"After the accident, after you left, I-"Meredith started and stopped herself trying to collect her words. She looked nervous but so strong. I wondered what it was that she felt so necessary to tell me. In my mind, I was the one who owed her words not the other way around.
I tried to look at her reassuringly to continue "I found out I was pregnant." Meredith blurted and I felt the blood drain from my face. No anesthesia. I had a million questions and I almost started to ask them but then I remember she asked me not to interrupt her.
"I found out and this calm came over me. I just knew instinctively that I could do it and I thought about telling you, but you made me make you that promise, and you left me. You weren't in any shape to be anything to anyone." She continued and she looked more determined now than ever.
I felt all the saliva drain from my mouth and even if I wanted to interrupt Meredith right now, I couldn't because I couldn't think of a single sentence to put together let alone word.
"Ellis found out eventually and she basically cut me off. She did get me a one-way ticket to Seattle and the information of where my father lived who I hadn't seen since I was five. I didn't want his help, but I had no other choice unless I wanted to be homeless and raise my baby on the streets. So, I went to him and found out that he re-married and had another daughter. I got to know my stepmom Susan and my half-sister Lexi, and they all helped me. My dad was able to get Columbia to let me finish my undergrad online and I did it."
She paused for a long moment, and I waited on bated breath, waited for the blow that she brought our child into this world without my knowledge.
"I gave birth that March after our summer together. We have a daughter. She's…. She's perfect" she whispered the last part, and I was feeling drained.
I was quiet for a long time, and I could tell that she could see the scenarios playing through my brain, but I knew I was unreadable. She didn't know me post-accident minus the fact that I left the woman I loved without looking back. She couldn't read my mind like she used to and that thought made me sad. My mind was racing.
I finally got up and paced a short distance, running my hands through my hair and visually processing what she had told me.
"Daughter?" I finally heard myself say out loud, my voice was thick with emotion staring at Meredith like she killed my dog. I felt anger.
"Yeah" Meredith breathed unsure of what to else to say but she looked at me and maintained eye contact and her quiet confidence still astounded me because that was never the girl I knew.
"I – You should have found me." I stated. I felt angry and hurt and almost scared.
"I had to focus on my baby and getting my life together. I didn't have time to chase down a man who didn't want me." She told me sharply.
I ran my hand through my hair for what felt like the millionth time that day and Meredith stared at me. I couldn't make sense of this.
"How? I- we have a child?" I questioned again. I felt like the wind had been knocked from my body. How could this happen? How could I have a child out there in the world living and breathing and not even know about it?
"Derek" Meredith started. She looked like she wanted to calm me down but that didn't even feel possible.
"I feel like I can't look at you" I told her harshly. How could she have kept this from me?
"I could say the same thing, but I won't." Meredith told me, and I let out a deep breath sitting beside her again on the bench.
I looked at her and watched as she took a deep breath and stared out at the ocean, she didn't look nervous anymore, she looked almost relieved and lost in thought.
"You should have told me" I told her quietly
"I did what you asked for besides, I'm telling you now. That's going to have to be enough." she told me calmly.
In a huge way, she was right, but had I known that she was pregnant, had she found me and told me, I would have been involved. I would have helped her. I would have been there. I would know my child right now.
We both stared out at the ocean because there was nothing, I could say back to her. She did do what I asked and her telling me now would have to be enough because we can't go back as much as I wish we could.
"My parents came back after a year. They still live in the house." I told her filling in some blanks for her that she might not have known.
"I didn't know that. I was here." Meredith told me.
I nodded "Ellis sold the house and moved. I don't know where though. By the time my parents came back, there were new neighbors."
"I didn't know that either." Meredith responded and she looked affected by that, like it stung her.
"I'm sorry" I told her quietly; I didn't know that she didn't know that. It hurt to be the one to deliver news that hurt her.
Meredith shrugged and turned her face towards the ocean again. I knew she didn't want me to see her vulnerability and I understood that.
"What's her name?" I asked suddenly bringing the conversation back to the child I never knew existed. I had a million questions, and I wanted a million answers.
"It's Mia. Well, her name is Amelia, but I call her Mia. It's easier." Meredith told me and instantly, I felt my eyes fill with tears.
"Mia" I breathed.
In that moment I loved and hated Meredith Grey at the same time over her decision to name our daughter after my sister. It's exactly what I would have wanted and the last thing I would have wanted at the exact same time. However, I knew instantly that it just fit this little girl who was half me and half this person that I used to love so much. I couldn't picture her, but I knew her name.
I didn't say anything more and felt self-conscious as I wiped at the tears that flooded my eyes knowing that this child was real, and she had an identity. If I didn't feel so angry right now, I would've thanked Meredith for naming our daughter exactly what was right.
"I need to meet her." I said urgently, the thought of needing to make up for lost time now wrapping around my mind and sticking. I needed to see her. I needed to know her.
Meredith looked apprehensive "Sure" she agreed quietly.
"When?" I asked. I had so much to make up for when it came to Mia and in some weird way, I was already in love with her.
"Take a few days. Wrap your head around it. I'll be back at the hospital on Wednesday for rotations. We could talk again then if you'd like." Meredith told me checking her watch. She looked like she was suddenly in a hurry.
"Okay" I agreed. I didn't really like the idea of waiting for a few days, but Meredith clearly had all the power here. "Does she – Who does she look like?" I asked, not knowing if I could handle the answer.
Meredith smiled despite the tears falling down her cheeks "She's the perfect combination of us" she choked out. "She has your eyes. It's uncanny and incredible. It's like looking right at you sometimes."
I smiled despite myself. "Amelia and I had the same eyes" I told her, thinking of my baby sister. I knew that she already knew that, but I wanted to say it anyway.
Meredith nodded and went to get up, I could see her wiping her eyes and trying to push back all these feelings that were re-surfacing. I knew this conversation had to be a lot for her.
"Meredith" I called her as she moved to walk away.
She turned to face me, and I noticed my tears wet on my face.
"Are you – I know that what I did. How I left- It was far from decent." I stated.
She just looked at me.
"It's understandable if you… if you hate me." I told her. The thought of her hating me wasn't the worse feeling, indifference would be worse, but I would still die at the thought of her never being able to at least be my friend now that I knew we shared a child together.
Meredith sighed "I don't, and I can't. Our daughter…. When you see her, you'll get why I can never hate you and why I know that you'll never be able to hate me." Meredith told me simply with a sad smile.
I nodded blinking back more tears that I didn't expect, tears for my broken relationship with Meredith Grey. Tears that said I am so sorry, tears that told her I was so angry at her for keeping this from me, tears of remembering my dead little sister and tears of feeling hope for the first time in a very long time.
Meredith turned around again, this time leaving me to completely fall apart.