AN: This was a really fulfilling chapter to write! I loved getting to choose a personality and character personification for Mia and really love her little character. I want to say thank you to those reviewing! A lot have expressed feelings that Derek has no right to be upset with Meredith which I understand. We all know Dark Derek though, and he is working through his problems and is deserving of some grace. Meredith though is always the toughest of all, and in my story that's going to be appreciated by others more than it is on the show.
I must have checked the route in my phone 20 times to make sure I would arrive perfectly on time. I didn't want to get there too early, and I definitely didn't want to show up late. I had walked around the mall all morning looking for something to get my daughter. Most fathers would know what their daughter likes, their favorite color, if they liked dolls or stuffed animals, what their favorite book was and other normal things, but I was flying blind. All I knew was that her name was Mia, she had my eyes and Meredith said she was the perfect mix of both of us and that she was four and half years old. After hours of searching, I settled on a stuffed golden retriever, and some make your own bracelet set. I wanted to give her something. Not that my gifts would make up for the fact that she didn't know me and that I had been absent for her entire life, but I figured at least it was something. I picked up a gift bag to put her presents in and decided I would bring something for Meredith too. She mentioned at the hospital two days ago when we regrouped after our conversation at the Ferry Dock, that she lived with her dad and stepmother. I had no idea if they would be at the house when I got there but figured that someone with good manners would bring something as a thank you for being welcomed into their home. I went by a bakery that I knew was delicious and picked up some cupcakes. Strawberry with vanilla icing. I knew Meredith loved strawberry cupcakes. There was a bakery in Boston we went to frequently during our summer together. She would always pick their strawberry cupcake and I figured she would enjoy them.
When my Land Rover pulled up to the Grey household, I took a moment to calm my mind and take in the sight of their home. I appreciated that it seemed to be on a few acres and thought it looked completely idyllic. Besides with me and Meredith together, I couldn't think of a homier looking house for my daughter to grow up in. I turned the car off and walked up the front steps of the home before bringing up my hand to knock on the door. Meredith opened it before I even had a chance.
"Hey" I greeted her with a smile. I hoped she couldn't tell just how nervous I was.
"Hi" she greeted but she didn't smile, and she seemed tense as she walked out front and closed the door behind her. It made my nerves even worse.
We lingered on the front porch as Meredith held onto the railing and looked out.
"Is today still, okay?" I asked her hopefully.
"Yeah" she told me like she was lost in thought.
"Okay, so can we go inside?" I asked gesturing to the door.
"You have to promise me something first."
"I don't know if you and I should be making any promises to each other ever again. It didn't work out so well the last time." I told her with a laugh trying to lighten the mood. I feel like it came out as more of a nervous laugh than a mood lightening one though.
"If you meet her, you're in her life for good. You can't decide that this is too much or that you don't want to be a parent. You have to stick around Derek."
"I will."
"You're sure?"
"Meredith, I'm in this. I promise you, that no matter what, I am never going to leave her."
She looked into my eyes and only saw truth. I meant what I said, I could never leave my child now that I knew she existed.
"Okay, are you ready?" she asked
I let out a deep sigh "You have no idea" I told her. I had thought of nothing other than meeting my daughter since the second I found out about her.
I followed Meredith into the house, and it was absolutely beautiful. The only thought I could describe it as was French Countryside with a lot of modern updates. It was homey and I could see why Meredith stayed.
"She's upstairs, I'll go get her." Meredith told me and I nodded and made myself comfortable on the couch in the living room where she left me. I put down the present and the cupcakes that I carried in. Meredith didn't ask about them and I forgot they were even in my hands.
A few moments later, Meredith came downstairs holding the hand of the most beautiful child I had ever seen.
She was small for her age, she clearly got Meredith's frame. Her hair was long and dirty blonde much like her mothers, but it was thick and curly like mine. She was slightly tan probably from the summer and had Meredith's button nose and mouth. However, when I looked at her eyes, there was no doubt to whom she belonged. I stood from the couch and crouched down to look at her.
"Hi Mia" I heard myself say softly in a voice that I don't even think I had ever used before. It must have been reserved for her all this time.
"Hi" she told me and seemed to take in my features. I finally noticed the outfit she was wearing, a ballet pink tulle skirt, baby pink ballet shoes, a white tank top with a unicorn on it and she wore flowers all in her hair. I knew she didn't get this girlyness from Meredith, but it seemed like Meredith embraced it anyway and it already re-affirmed what a good mother she was.
Her voice was angelic and sweet and cute and perfect.
I didn't know what to say, but I couldn't take my eyes off her. She reminded me of Amelia and Meredith and myself all mixed together and it didn't hurt, not even a little bit.
"Mia, remember our talks from last night and this morning? This is your daddy and he's so happy to get to meet you." Meredith chimed in and brushed the hair from her face.
Mia nodded and smiled revealing the cutest dimples I had ever seen. I felt my breath leave my body momentarily.
"Are you going to come to my ballet recital next week?" she asked me. Her eyes looked hopeful.
"Yes" I heard myself tell her. I was probably scheduled to work, but I would move mountains to make it. There was no way in the world I would miss this.
"You can sit with mommy and grandma and grandpa and aunt Lexi" she me seriously, her eyes wide and animated and I nodded.
"I would love to" I replied, and she looked at the bag on the couch that was obviously a present.
"It's for you. I wanted to get you something to say that I'm sorry I haven't been around, but I'm always going to be here from now on." I told her and hoped that she understood. She already seemed so bright.
She moved to open the present and seemed excited, I caught Meredith smiling as she watched our daughter rip out the tissue paper and Meredith laughed when she pulled out the stuffed Golden Retriever puppy, I got her.
"My puppy!" Mia squealed.
"She has been begging my dad and Susan to get a dog for about a month now" Meredith informed me with a grin. I felt like it was the first time that she had truly smiled around me since before Amelia's death. I had missed her so much.
"Do you want to name him?" Meredith asked gently as our daughter petted the stuffed animal.
"Fondu! It's what I do in ballet!" she replied telling me and then demonstrated what I assumed was the Fondu move. It was cute but somehow, I had a feeling that my child had a real affinity for the dance because it seemed flawless to me. Another thing she must have gotten from her mother because I couldn't dance all that well.
"That's a great name!" I told her
"What do you think, mommy?" she asked, and Meredith grinned and kissed both her cheeks
"I love it!" Meredith told her.
"There's something else in the bag" I told my daughter and watched as she pulled out the bracelet making set. She looked unsure.
"Oh Mia! How fun is that? You and your daddy can make bracelets together."
"Okay, I'll make you one mommy." She told Meredith who beamed at her. The two of them seemed inseparable and I felt a bit intimidated by their bond. I hoped one day, Mia could get there with me.
"You guys have fun. I'm going to be in the kitchen, and I'll take those." Meredith chimed and motioned to the pink bakery box with the brown ties around it.
"Strawberry cupcakes" I told her, and a subtle blush hit my cheeks when I remembered the last time her and I shared a strawberry cupcake. We were out at the riverbank, and I had packed us food. We had just had sex and Meredith said she was craving something sweet, and I pulled out a strawberry cupcake from my cooler. Her and I shared it and made out with each other in-between bites. I wonder now if she was pregnant at that time.
She smirked as if she remembered too.
"Mia baby, I'll be in the kitchen. Come get a cupcake once you and your daddy are done making bracelets."
"Okay!" Mia said excitedly.
Meredith walked off to the kitchen and I opened the box and put the pieces out on the coffee table.
"Have you made bracelets before?" I asked Mia.
She looked up at me thoughtfully "No, have you?" she asked. I smiled at her
"No" I told her, and she nodded, her fingers playing with all the little beads.
"Mommy likes purple, so I'll make her a purple one." She told me. She was deep in concentration counting the beads and sorting them and I couldn't take my eyes off her. I couldn't believe that she was mine and I was here sitting with her. My life had zero purpose besides the hospital and my patients but now, I had even more to live for. It was the first time in my life post my sister's accident that I felt I had a reason for being saved during that car accident. It never made sense to me why Amelia had to die, and I got to live with barely a scratch and now, I think maybe it was so that I could meet my child. This was a feeling I couldn't put into words, but I did my best to hold back my emotion.
"What do you like?" I asked her. I wanted to know everything I could.
"Pink, this is my favorite color" she told me pointing to her ballet shoes.
"I see. That's a nice color" I told her. I was never fond of pink, but she made the color cute and now I was starting to like it.
"What's your favorite color?" Mia asked me looking up from the beads she was arranging by color and size. She liked to sort things; I was picking that up.
"My favorite color is blue. I don't like light blue, indigo." I told her.
"Indigo" Mia repeated and made no indication if she knew what that meant or not.
"Mhmm" I agreed.
"Is it like this color?" she asked as she held up a navy-blue bead.
"It's really close to that color."
"I'm ready to make a bracelet now" Mia informed me seriously as she seemed to have all the beads sorted to her liking.
"Okay, so we have to make a knot with our string so that the beads don't fall off and then we just add whichever ones we like until we're ready to tie it together and wear it." I informed her.
I knotted the string for her and handed it over. She meticulously picked out each bead, she did a pattern of three different shades of purple and then a white one and then followed the pattern until she was done. All the while I tried to focus on making a baby pink and white one for her, but I just couldn't stop staring at her. I couldn't believe that I was sitting in front of my daughter, making bracelets and she was comfortable enough with me to do that. Last week, I had no idea I even had a child and today, I was getting to know her. So far, I realized that she was practically magical. She was kind and liked pink and unicorns and wanted a dog. She made a bracelet for her mother before even thinking of herself and she did ballet and wanted me at her recital. She was serious and thought of others which reminded me of Meredith, she was intense when she was concentrated on something which reminded me of Amelia, and she was mine.
"Can you tie this one? It's for mommy."
I took it from her and admired her work, complimenting her patterns and telling her how nice it was to make it for her mom.
"Daddy, you need some help" she giggled when she took in the sight of mine and my eyes filled with tears instantly. I had never been called 'daddy' or anything similar before and it was a moment I would ingrain in my brain for the rest of my life.
"I do" I told her blinking back tears and warmed at the contact of her small shoulder resting on my knee as she placed beads on my string.
She finished my bracelet, and I tied it around her small wrist. Not many beads could fit on it, but she loved it.
"You need one now." She told me looking at my bare wrist.
"Help me with one, you do such a good job."
She nodded and began picking the colors.
"Not indigo, but close." She told me holding up the navy bead and I grinned at her. Looks like she was learning things about me too.
When we both had our bead bracelets on and she had the one ready for Meredith, she told me it was cupcake time.
When we made our way into the kitchen, Meredith was on a bar stool reading the newspaper and drinking a cup of coffee. She looked so cute lost in whatever story that she was reading, that I couldn't help the smile I felt just being back in her presence.
She looked up when she heard the footsteps and grinned at our daughter "Let me see your bracelets" Meredith chimed. Mia and Meredith looked so happy in each other's orbits. Their bond was deep, that much was obvious.
"See mommy" Mia said holding out her wrist waiting for Meredith to inspect it, which she did.
"Oh, it's very pink and very you." She told Mia who beamed.
"Daddy, show mommy your bracelet" Mia told me.
Meredith looked up almost impressed that Mia had already started calling me daddy and her and I both shared a smile at the happiness it brought. Mia was accepting me, and it felt great.
"Very pretty Derek" Meredith laughed
"Daddy said his favorite color is indigo" Mia told Meredith seriously and I grinned at my daughter. This was my new normal and I could definitely get used to it.
"That's right baby" Meredith told her sweetly and smoothed her hair from her face.
"Do you want to show your mommy what you made her?" I asked Mia whose face lit up.
"Oh yeah!" Mia opened her palm to reveal the purple bracelet she made.
"That's for me?" Meredith asked
Mia nodded enthusiastically "Yeah mommy, I made it for you!"
Meredith took it from her "I love it and I'm going to wear it all the time." She told our daughter and slipped it on.
"Now we all have our bracelets so we're a family!" Mia told us and Meredith smiled at her and pulled her into her arms
"We're a family" Meredith agreed and kissed her cheek.
We all enjoyed a cupcake together and Mia asked me a lot of questions. At one point, Mia asked if I wanted to color, so I followed her upstairs and she picked out pages from her unicorn coloring book. I made a mental note, that unicorns were high on her list. We colored and chatted up a storm. The chattiness, she got from me. Her room was baby pink, and ballet and unicorn themed. I laughed thinking about Meredith decorating this room probably being nauseated by it. It made me laugh out loud for a minute reminiscing on that college tom boy I knew and fell in love with.
"What's so funny, daddy?" Mia asked suddenly pausing on her coloring to look at me.
"I was just thinking about your mommy." I told her
"Mommy's not being funny, she's downstairs." Mia told me seriously.
"You know how you love pink and unicorns and ballet?" I asked Mia and she nodded.
"When I knew your mommy, she liked greens and nature and swimming and didn't like the color pink at all." I told her
"Mommy still doesn't like pink" Mia agreed.
"I just think it's funny that you and your mommy like different stuff, that's all."
Mia looked thoughtful and then turned and looked at my drawing
"Daddy!" she gasped
"What?" I asked
"Unicorn horns cannot be red!"
"Oh"
"Are you trying to color an evil unicorn!" she continued with a dramatic flair. It was hilarious but I didn't want her to think I was laughing at her
"Certainly not." I told her with seriousness.
"Mommy has to fix it. She's the only one with the powers to do so." Mia told me seriously.
"Alright then, let's go get her help."
I followed Mia downstairs and held the coloring books and markers.
"We sort of ran into a situation" I told Meredith sheepishly, scratching the back of my head.
"Daddy, colored the unicorn's horn red!" Mia exclaimed and Meredith did an over dramatic gasp.
"He what? Derek, an evil unicorn really?" She teased and I played a long with the bit.
"I don't know what I was thinking. Can you girls forgive me?" I pleaded
"I don't know if we can. Mia what do you think?" she asked.
"We have no time for this, mommy you have to fix her immediately!" Mia exclaimed.
"Ok, Ok, Mia run and get me my magical paint" Meredith told her, and Mia ran out of the room on a mission. Meredith smirked at me, and I grinned.
"In Mia's world, red horns mean evil, and black horns mean that the unicorn is boy, but she doesn't like boy unicorns, so don't do that either." She told me lightheartedly with a smile.
"Right" I agreed with a smirk. I was loving this.
"I got it mommy!" Mia said returning and I almost laughed out loud when I saw that it was just White Out.
"Okay, let me get to work." Meredith told us shaking up the bottle.
"Mommy, needs a lot of concentration for this." Mia told me with her wide expressive eyes. Meredith gave me a knowing grin and I couldn't help but grin back at her.
Meredith carefully fixed the unicorn horn with a couple of coats of the White Out.
"All better." Meredith told us.
"Mommy's almost a doctor, that's why only she can fix stuff." Mia explained
"Your daddy is a doctor too." Meredith informed her
"You're a doctor too?" Mia gasped
"I am. I'm a brain doctor."
"Wow" Mia exclaimed
"Next time, you fix the Unicorn" Mia informed me, and I agreed.
Meredith let me know that it was time for Mia to take her afternoon nap before dinner and I took it as a sign that it was time to go. I didn't want to leave and enjoyed more than anything getting to meet my daughter. It felt like I had known her my whole life and that we just clicked. Being a father was most definitely going to be the happiest part of my life. I already loved it so much.
Meredith and I tucked Mia in, and I smiled as she cuddled the stuffed Golden Retriever that I got her.
"Okay, sweet dreams angel" Meredith told her and kissed her on the cheek.
Mia smiled "Daddy now" she instructed.
I leaned down and kissed her cheek "Enjoy your nap, Mia" I told her and stroked her hair for a moment.
"Are you coming back, daddy?" Mia asked sleepily.
"Yes, your mommy and I will figure it out, but I'll be back sometime soon."
"You promise?" Mia asked looking up at me like she was scared she'd never see me again.
I kneeled closer to her "I promise." I whispered.
"Okay, love you." She muttered as she fell asleep.
"I love you." I told her softly as my eyes filled with tears for what felt like the hundredth time that day. I pushed her covers up under her chin and kissed her forehead. I saw Meredith staring at me and self-consciously wiped the tear or two that had fallen.
I followed Meredith out of the room and down the stairs. There was so much that I wanted to say to her, but I didn't have the words. Meredith told me to hold on a second as I made it to the front door.
I sat on the front porch of Meredith's father and stepmother's house. I had just met my daughter and she was somehow the piece I didn't know was missing inside of me. She was perfect, just like Meredith said. I was overwhelmed, exhilarated, and exhausted all at once. I was a real father now and my child was my world all at once.
When Meredith came out of the house to join me on the front step, she wore an uneasy look and held something in her hand. Her look was one that I recognized from all those years ago. It was annoyingly endearing.
"Do you think today went okay?" I asked her. I wanted her approval on how today went, it meant a lot to me that she thought I did a good job with our child. She also knew our daughter far better than I did at this point. I perceived everything as good, but maybe it wasn't to Mia and maybe it wasn't to Meredith.
"It went great Derek. You're good with her. I mean you've always had the charming thing down, but you did good." Meredith assured me.
"You think I'm charming?" I asked her with a sly smile.
She rolled her eyes playfully.
"She called you daddy." Meredith said seriously.
"Yeah" I breathed.
"It felt good, didn't it?" she asked with a grin.
I nodded and smiled at her, and she did the same back.
"What's this?" I asked turning my attention to the book she was holding tightly in her hands.
"It's Mia's baby book." She told me lightly. She was gripping it.
I sobered and my breath caught in my throat. The cover must have been Mia in the hospital when she was born. She wore a tiny pink hat and a hospital bracelet with a white blanket with a green stripe pulled to her.
"I thought you may want to see it. I documented as much as I could for her to look at one day."
I nodded and gulped. I wanted to look at this but a part of me was scared to for some reason. It made no sense. I did the scary part today, meeting my child and seeing if she would even accept me.
"You can take it home and look at it there if you'd like. You also don't have to look at it at all if you don't want to." She assured me sensing my apprehension.
"Do you mind if we look at it together?" I asked. It just seemed right to look at it with the woman who was such a huge part of this story. No matter what happened between us, Meredith would now always be the mother of my child and the respect I had for her somehow doubled after today.
She nodded and opened the book. I didn't know what to expect.
"I started it about a week after I found out I was pregnant. I even saved the pregnancy tests that I took." She told me.
I looked at the pictures of Meredith cradling a barely there baby bump. That was right after I left her, I still remember that version of her so vividly. I wished I could go back.
"You looked so sad and yet so… I don't know, pulled together." I commented. She looked just like I pictured I looked back then. Drowning. Empty. Scared. There was a quiet strength to her though, there had always been. I didn't have that.
"Yeah, I was doing my best….. with everything." She told me and I could tell she didn't want to talk about that and truthfully, neither did I.
I nodded lamely and turned the page to see sonagram pictures.
I felt my eyes tear up, but I was quick to blink them back. I wish I had been there especially for the first one. That must have been something.
On the next page, Meredith had more bump progression pictures up to 7 months. I smiled at them. She was cute and beautiful and carrying my child and that ignited a feeling in me that I had never experienced up until this point.
We continued and she showed me the baby shower that Susan threw for her. She told me that she barely knew anyone, but it was the first time that she really bonded with her younger half-sister Lexi. Lexi was right by her side for a lot of the photos while she opened gifts and played baby games.
"It was nice of them to do that for you." I stated taking in all the photos. I was glad she wasn't alone during that time.
"It was nice." She agreed.
We continued flipping through pages.
"This was the last picture I took before giving birth." she told me as I looked at the photo of Meredith cradling her 9-month pregnant bump. She was wearing my shirt that I gave her during our summer together and it was pulled up to reveal the extent of how much baby she was carrying.
I smiled and traced the outline of her stomach from the photograph "You looked beautiful" I commented softly. I couldn't help it, the words just fell out of my mouth.
"Thanks" she muttered as a blush came to her face.
"I wish I had been there." I told her and it hit me once again like a ton of bricks that I missed so much.
"I know" she whispered.
I turned the page to Meredith holding Mia in the hospital. She told me that it was their first photograph together and that she was exhausted.
"You look so happy with her." I breathed as I felt my eyes well with tears.
"It was the happiest I had been in a very long time." She told me and I believed her because it was evident in this photo.
I nodded not knowing what else to say but feeling overwhelmed. When she turned the page, there was a cut-out that asked for a picture of the mom and dad. It had an animated section with hearts and the word love written across it.
She had taped in our photobooth snapshots from the carnival that summer. I had no idea if Mia had already been conceived when we took the photos, but I smiled at the memory. The photo strip consisted of one of us smiling together, one of me kissing her cheek and then we moved into the PG-13 realm with French kissing, our tongues on each other and all. The last picture we were laughing widely in. It was a memory I would always hold on to.
"I know the whole French kissing picture isn't exactly appropriate, but it's what I had, and I figured at least she could see one day that her parents did lo- well care about each other at one point." She rambled nervously. It was another peak at the girl I knew. The one who wasn't as sure of herself as the one sitting in front of me.
"Loved, we loved each other." I told her looking into her eyes. It was love. It had always been even if it took us awhile to admit it. I loved Meredith Grey, and I knew she loved me, and we created a baby together out of that love. It was simply the truth of the matter.
She looked away and nodded.
"Thanks for including me in this. It does mean a lot." I told her.
"I know" she replied.
"Do you mind if I look at the rest of this by myself?" I asked her. It was so much all at once and we were still in the beginning of the book. I needed to pace myself.
She looked relieved "Yeah, of course."
"Thanks, I should get going. I'm sure your family will be home soon" I told her checking my watch.
She nodded "Maybe in a bit."
I held the book firmly in my hand and hovered around the frame of the front porch.
"I was angry at you the day on Coleman's dock when you told me that we have a daughter."
"I remember" she replied looking into my eyes.
"I'm not angry anymore. I know that it's my fault that I didn't get to be there for the beginning of this. Meredith I-"
"It's okay Derek, you don't have to say anything else" she cut me off. Her walls looked like they were up and I wanted more than anything to tear them down.
"No, I do. Mer, I'm sorry for everything that happened after Amelia died. I'm ashamed of how I treated you and I was old enough to know better and I'm not just saying that because we have a child. I loved you so much, so so much Meredith. I thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life with you. If I could go back-"
"Derek, we can't go back. I appreciate everything you're saying. I really do, but we can't go back. So, let's just be good for her, okay? I just want to do good by her." Meredith told me and wiped at the tears that came to her eyes.
"You are doing good by her. You're an incredible mother. I know I only spent a few hours here, but she adores you and it's obvious you adore her too." I told her sincerely.
"She saved me." Meredith said simply.
I nodded; I could see how Mia would. She was saving me, and I had only known her for a few hours.
I realized now that there would be no other kids for me, Mia was it. I didn't want to have babies with anyone else. Meredith was the best mother I had ever seen; nothing could ever compare.
Meredith cleared her throat and seemed to build her wall back up. "Her recital is next Thursday at 7pm. Please try to make it. In the meantime, do you want to come for dinner tomorrow? You can meet my dad and Susan and Mia would love it." she asked me.
"I will be there" I told her, and I hoped she knew I would be sticking around for good. I felt Meredith's eyes on me the entire walk back to my car. When I turned back to look at her, I grinned.
"Oh, one more thing." I told her with a smile.
"What's that?" she asked.
I quickly walked back up the steps to the front porch and kissed her cheek "Thank you for today." I told her sincerely with the look that could only be called "our look" because no one ever had been able to get that smile out of me the way she could. She blushed.
"Goodbye Derek" she said with an eyeroll, and I was grinning the rest of my way home.
AN: Please review! I want to know what you thought of Derek and Mia's interactions and his interactions with Meredith! She's going to be a tough nut to crack when it comes to Derek. She went through a lot with Amy's death and dealt with a lot of abandonment and Derek is finally going to see the full consequences of his actions. This is not going to be a situation where they get back together super quickly, Derek has a lot of work to do.