I took the afternoon off to get Mia ready for her recital. I spent way too long watching videos online on how to achieve the perfect ballerina bun but I managed to pull it off. It was far from effortless and took a bit longer than I would have liked but the end result was perfect and Mia loved how it looked. Derek wanted to be the one to drive us to the recital so we planned for him to meet us at my dad and Susan's house. I was just finishing up applying a light layer of blush to Mia's cheeks when I felt Derek's energy. I could feel it anywhere. I was sitting at Mia's small table where she liked to color facing the door. My daughter had her back to the door, her eyes closed and I grinned at his figure leaning against the doorframe of our daughter's room. I was glad that he was going to be here for this.
He smiled at me with his arms crossed. It took me back to years ago when out of nowhere there would be Derek leaning against something looking irresistible. I of course became the expert at resisting him, that was until I couldn't anymore. That was a very long time ago though and it was rare I allowed myself to really think about that time of my life. Seeing him meet our daughter and connect with her, brought a lot of feelings back to the surface. I was sure now more than ever that I would always be attracted to Derek. He was gorgeous, that much was just fact. When he told me the other night that he would always love me, I really didn't want to hear it because I cannot and will not go there. I meant what I told Derek when I said I could never hate him, however, I'm not sure the piece of me that he killed can ever come back and I don't think I'm capable of trusting him the way I would need to in order to make something of this again. I am perfectly fine co-parenting and focusing on our daughter.
"Mia, open your eyes and see who's here." I spoke to my daughter softly. She talked non-stop about how her daddy was coming to her ballet recital. She told anyone who would listen and I know she was impatient for his arrival.
She lifted her eyelids and pure joy radiated off of her.
"Daddy" she squealed and she was in his arms in a second. He lifted her and kissed both her cheeks.
"Hi beautiful" he greeted her and she giggled in response.
"Look at my bun and my makeup!" she exclaimed.
He held her tightly "The bun is perfect, you don't need the makeup though." he told her and she laughed.
"Don't be silly daddy, you have to see my features from the stage, that's what Miss Belinda says".
Miss Belinda is Mia's ballet teacher and Mia takes anything Miss Belinda says as the absolute source of truth. She idolizes her and they have a great relationship.
"I see well if Miss Belinda says it, it must be true." he conceded and kissed her cheek once more.
"Mommy says you're going to take us and then we can gets a treat after" Mia continued as Derek set her down.
"That's right. We'll get whatever treat you want." Derek confirmed grinning. Being a father suited him more than I could have ever imagined. It was endearing to watch.
Mia squealed and Derek and I laughed out loud.
Derek hung out downstairs and I got Mia dressed in her leotard and tutu, she wanted to surprise everyone with her final look. She was decked out in pink, and she was on cloud nine. I was hopeful that my dad and Susan were being civil downstairs. I didn't want a repeat of dinner, especially on a night that meant so much to my daughter. Susan and I had a long heart to heart earlier in the week and she promised to be on good behavior.
When we made it down the stairs, my family and Derek were all gathered around the couch in what seemed to be a somewhat pleasant conversation. Susan was keeping her word so far and I was grateful.
"Is that our girl?" Susan asked with excitement as Mia came running down the stairs and into her arms. My daughter loved her grandmother.
"Look at me nana!" Mia exclaimed and Susan made the biggest deal over how she was a real ballerina. Mia delighted in the attention she got from everyone. Susan also took a few photos on her camera and Mia loved posing for each and every one.
"You should get going. Ballerina's need to get to the stage early" my dad stated looking over at the paper we had gotten on how to prepare for the night of the performance. Miss Belinda was also extremely organized and communicative which helped.
"Okay, so we'll meet you there?" I asked standing up. I wanted to look nice for her performance too and had thrown on a delicate white dress. It was sleeveless and mid length and Susan gushed over it earlier in the day.
"Yes, save three extra seats as close to the front row as possible. Lexi is just going to meet us there." Susan informed us.
We said our goodbyes and Derek and I made our way to the car. I had Mia's car seat sitting outside ready to hook into his car. Mia was small for her age and would likely need the seat for a while longer.
Derek grabbed the car seat and struggled to secure it into the backseat of his car. His brow furrowed in concentration, and I couldn't help but smirk as he fumbled with the unfamiliar contraption. Seeing his confusion, I decided to step in.
I leaned over him, feeling the warmth of his body so close to mine. "You just buckle it here," I said softly, maneuvering the seat to the correct spot. As I did, I noticed the gentle rise and fall of his breath, the faint scent of his cologne mingling with the air. This was the closest we had been since the day Amelia died. I hadn't considered the proximity when I decided to help, and now there was barely any space between us, squeezed as we were between the open car door and the narrow entrance to the backseat.
Derek glanced down at me, his eyes searching mine, and for a moment I couldn't tear my eyes from his. They were so familiar, so achingly familiar, and I was suddenly overwhelmed by the memories of everything we had and everything we lost. I could feel heat radiating from his body and his eyes wore a look that can only be described as our look. He looked overcome, and I wondered if my face betrayed the same emotions. The air between us felt charged, thick with the weight of our past and the tension of the present.
"Meredith," he began, his voice rough and laden with emotion, like a longing existed beneath it.
My favorite voice in the world broke the intensity. "Mommy, are we going soon?" Mia's bright eyes peered up at us.
Startled, we both looked down at her, the bubble of intimacy bursting with her innocent interruption. I moved back quickly from Derek.
"Yes," I said, bending down to her level. "We're almost ready. Just making sure your seat is secure."
Mia looked between us, her curiosity evident. "Okay," she said with a nod, her little face serious. "I don't want to be late."
Derek knelt down beside her, his eyes softening as he looked at our daughter. "Come on my little ballerina"
She grinned and he picked her up and placed her in her seat buckling her in.
Derek glanced at me, and for a moment, our eyes locked again, the unspoken lingering between us.
Off we went enjoying Mia's chattiness the entire way to the Seattle Community Center where her performance was taking place.
Inside the building, parents and children bustled about, the chatter and laughter echoing off the walls. We found the dressing room with all of Mia's friends running around wild. Mia twirled once, her eyes sparkling with excitement.
"Look at all the ballerinas" she said, her voice filled with wonder.
"You're going to do great out there." Derek told her with a reassuring smile.
She didn't look nervous one bit and we could tell, she was much more into whatever was going on backstage than hanging out with us.
We kissed her cheeks and sent her off with Miss Belinda and the other little dancers, her tiny hand waving back at us as she joined her friends. With Mia settled, we turned our attention to finding seats for the performance.
The auditorium was already filling up, parents and family members jockeying for the best spots. We scanned the rows and spotted an empty cluster of seats near the middle, perfect for saving a few extra spots for my family.
"Let's hold these," I said to Derek,
He agreed and we both turned our attention to the front entrance to keep an eye out for Susan, my dad and Lexi. No words were spoken between us and we both seemed to focus on the program guides they gave us. Thankfully, we didn't have to wait too long before my family joined us. I made the introduction between Derek and my sister and she acted completely unfazed. She was kind and hospitable, making small talk as if she had always known him. Lexi had always been accepting like that. They began to dim the lights and we all took our final positions. Derek sat on the far left, I was next to him, Lexi sat beside me with Susan beside her and my dad at the end of the row. My dad had the video camera and Susan was already crying with pride.
"She is growing up too fast, I can't take it" Susan commented, wiping a tear or two away. I echoed her sentiment.
The lights dimmed fully and Miss Belinda came to the stage.
"Thank you for being here. Tonight we have a very special performance. Our youngest ballet class here at the Ballet Arts Studio has come up with a musical number that we hope you enjoy. Please keep all clapping to the end. Thank you."
Miss Belinda walked off the stage to direct the children from the front row as music began. Derek grinned at me in anticipation. I could tell he loved doing this.
As the stage lights bathed the tiny dancers in a soft, golden glow, Mia emerged in her pink tutu, her eyes wide with excitement. Susan, perched at the edge of her seat, had her camera poised, grinning like a proud grandma. Beside her, my dad operated the videocamera, his focus unwavering as he was determined to document this milestone. Lexie sat between them, her hands clasped in anticipation, a wide smile on her face. She nudged my side and I grinned at her. I looked over at Derek who was struggling to hold back his tears already.
It was Mia's first ballet performance, and I could hardly believe how gracefully she moved. Each step and twirl seemed like a testament to her growing confidence and joy, and I felt a lump in my throat forming.
I felt Derek's eyes occasionally flickering to me, but I was absorbed completely in my baby's routine.
I felt my eyes fill with tears as I watched how delicately she performed. Mia was only 4 years old but her movements were so advanced. It was like this is what she was meant for.
At one point when I knew both Derek and I were as emotional as we'd probably get, he reached for my hand and I took his. We could do this for just a moment. Lexi noticed and gave me a knowing look. It wasn't what she thought it was though. It was just a moment between two people in complete awe over who they created and it felt good holding his hand. It felt good pretending like I wasn't the single mom anymore.
Their routine finished after some time and we stood up and clapped. We were all wiping tears away in pride for Mia's incredible performance. I was so proud of her I couldn't see straight.
Once we met back up with Mia, we took all kinds of family photos and Derek handed her the bouquet of flowers they were selling at the community center. Derek asked Susan to take one of me, him and Mia together on his phone. He held Mia with one arm and wrapped his other around me. We smiled and Susan took the photo.
He grinned when he took his phone back and saw the image.
"It's our first family photo," he told me softly.
I offered him a smile and looked at the photo of the three of us. If you didn't know better, we looked like the perfect family.
"Will you send it to me?" I asked and he agreed not taking his eyes from it.
Derek and I ended up taking Mia for ice cream and enjoyed spending time together as a make-shift family of three.
Mia started to get tired half-way through eating her icecream cone and Derek laughed as she started to get grumpy and protested me wiping her face clean.
"Now that's a Meredith-ism if I've ever seen one" Derek told me and I punched his arm playfully.
"Is not" I grumbled but my face wore a grin.
"Mhmm" he breathed and offered me the same playful smile.
I checked my watch. "It's past her bedtime, let's get her home." I told him and he agreed picking her up easily.
The car ride back to Dad and Susan's house was filled with the gentle hum of the engine and the soft glow of the streetlights passing by. Mia, exhausted from her ballet performance, had fallen asleep almost immediately after we set off. Her tiny body was nestled against the car seat, her head tilted to one side, her breathing slow and steady. I couldn't help but smile at how peaceful she looked.
When we arrived at Dad and Susan's house, Derek carefully unbuckled Mia from the car seat, trying not to wake her. He wrapped her snugly in a soft blanket, her tiny form barely making a ripple in his arms. I followed closely behind, feeling a mix of exhaustion and contentment. As we reached the front steps, Derek's footsteps were soft but purposeful. He carried Mia up the stairs where my dad and Susan were waiting. Derek paused briefly to share a quiet word with them before continuing up the final steps. At the top of the stairs, he eased open the door to Mia's room and carefully laid her down on the bed, smoothing the blanket over her small, sleeping form. With a final kiss on her forehead, Derek stepped back and quietly closed the door behind him.
"Will you walk me out?" he asked softly
I nodded and we descended down the stairs.
"I'll be back shortly" I told my dad and Susan who were sitting on the couch watching a tv show or movie.
Susan nodded in understanding. I could tell she still wasn't Derek's biggest fan but she was willing to be civil and for that I was grateful.
Derek's POV
The air was a welcome relief as I settled onto the front porch of Meredith's dad and Susan's house. The stars twinkled above, and the porch swing creaked gently as Meredith and I sat side by side.
"Thanks for letting me be a part of today," I began. I turned to look at Meredith, hoping she could see how much this meant to me. "It means the world to me."
Meredith smiled. She looked away for a moment, then back at me with eyes that held a blend of gratitude and something else, maybe vulnerability. "I'm glad you were there" she said. "Mia adores you."
I nodded, feeling the weight of her words. "I adore her," I admitted. I knew my daughter for just over a week or so and I was already so in love.
Her smile softened further, and I noticed a hint of emotion in her eyes. "She's easy to fall in love with."
I nodded "She gets that from her mother." I didn't mean to say it, but it was true. I didn't want to make things weird as it was insane just how well Meredith and I had been getting along.
Meredith shifted and chose not to comment on what I said. I hoped I didn't weird or out or make her uncomfortable with my admission. That is the last thing I want.
"I told my parents about Mia." I admitted after a long pause. I finally got out what I had wanted to tell her since I spoke with them.
"I figured you would have. How did they take it?" Meredith asked, looking straight ahead. Her fingers played with the wood on the swing. I knew my family would be a sore spot for her and I understand it. We were all unbelievably unkind to her.
"They're happy. They want to meet her but understand that it's going to take time. We have to get on a routine first."
Meredith nodded and I couldn't read her expression. She looked so closed off all of a sudden.
"When you were here last, you mentioned taking Mia back East. I'm not ready for that and I don't think I will be for a very long time." she told me.
I swallowed thickly, "That's understandable."
She nodded.
"My parents are willing to come here to see her. I think I can keep them away for a while though if it's too much."
"They can come." she said simply. "Sometimes it's best to just rip the band-aid off," she continued.
"No anesthesia" I replied, a hint of dry humor escaping my lips despite the serious undertone of the conversation.
Her lips twitched into a brief smile, and we fell into a contemplative silence. The night wrapped around us.
I could lose myself in those green eyes of hers right now if I let it happen. All the years of pushing away her memory served no purpose because the only place I wanted to be was right here beside her. I had nothing else to add to the conversation, I just wanted to simply exist here in her presence. She seemed okay with that.
"Did you ever move on?" I blurted out, the question escaping before I could fully consider the implications.
She looked at me with a hint of bewilderment, her gaze searching. "Sort of. I dated," she replied, her tone neutral but edged with a tinge of something I couldn't quite place.
The admission stung more than I expected, a sharp pang of jealousy and regret cutting through me. I had no right to feel this way, but the emotional impact was undeniable. "Why?" she asked, her voice curious.
"I can't really picture you with anyone else." I told her honestly.
She smirked, "Why would you want to?" she deadpanned and I grinned.
"I don't. Not at all" I agreed.
"Okay then," she replied, a hint of a smile breaking through. For a brief moment, we were ourselves again—playful, light, untouched by the past.
"Did you?" she asked casually.
"Not really" I told her and it was the truth.
She nodded, then surprised me with her next words. "I can picture you married, surrounded by a bunch of kids, with someone else."
"Why?" I asked genuinely curious.
"I don't know, you just are that guy. Do you remember when you told me I would be jealous when you became a successful surgeon and married your first trophy wife?" she asked with a laugh.
I chuckled, but it felt hollow. "I was an idiot."
"Oh, I know." she told me with a laugh.
I ran my hands through my hair, trying to ease the tension that had settled in me. "I was such an idiot, Mer."
"I know," she told me quietly.
I offered her a sad smile "I'm better now than I was. I see everything a lot clearer."
She nodded, "Being a parent puts things into perspective."
I nodded in agreement "It's more than that though. Being back around you, just spending time together, I don't know. I feel like the old me again before… it happened."
"You told me that day that you would never be able to be around me without thinking of her and feeling sadness. Is that still true?" she asked me looking into my eyes like the world's fate was baited on my answer to this question.
I didn't know how to answer her so I sat quietly for a moment thinking of what I wanted to say.
"You were more to me than just my sister's best friend. Yes, you two were always together in a lot of the memories I have of Amelia but you and I, we had our own memories and I never forgot them."
Meredith nodded, but her expression remained unreadable. I decided to continue.
"I would think about you all the time. That summer was the best time of my entire life. When I was at my lowest, which was always after Amy.. I would just think of you and it was the only thing that brought me any peace." I admitted. Luckily, I was able to blink back the tears that were starting to form in my eyes.
"I wish things could have been different." Meredith admitted after some time. Her tone wasn't sad, just resigned, as if she had come to terms with the hand we'd been dealt. I envied her acceptance. For me, it would always be my greatest regret, the thing that gnawed at me in the quiet moments. I wanted nothing more than to kiss her again, to hold her, but all I could do was look at her—maybe be her friend. And that, I realized, would have to be enough.
I let out a long breath, the weight of the conversation settling between us. It was hard to know where to go from here, how to navigate the terrain we found ourselves in. The silence stretched out, comfortable yet heavy with the things left unsaid.
Finally, I stood up, stuffing my hands into my pockets. "I should get going," I said, my voice softer than I intended. The last thing I wanted was to leave, but it felt like the right moment to step back, to give us both some space.
Meredith nodded, her eyes searching mine, as if looking for something more in my words. "Yeah," she replied, her voice quiet, almost reluctant. "It's getting late."
I hesitated, not wanting to sever the connection completely. "Hey, before I go… I was wondering if it'd be okay if we could take Mia to do something fun, maybe go hiking or something?"
"Sure" she told me with a nod.
I nodded. "I think you'd both enjoy it"
Meredith smiled softly "How's Saturday?" she asked
"It's a plan."
As I turned to leave, I paused, glancing back at her. "Thanks, Meredith… for everything."
"You're welcome, Derek."
Please review! They inspire me to update!
A few notes:
Susan is still not 100% over what Derek has done. It's going to take time and effort on his end to prove himself to her but she's trying to be civil for Meredith and Mia.
Expect a visit from the Shepherd's in the next few chapters and for that to be a family heavy chapter (Mark & Lexi included)
It's clear Derek is still in love with Meredith but what do you think, do you think Meredith would ever be willing to give him a second chance?