Chapter One: Lost in the Noise

it's like 2 a.m. or something. i should be asleep, but my brain is too loud. i can't stop thinking about everything, all at once. i hate it. it's always like this. everything feels... overwhelming. like, there's this pressure to be perfect all the time, to meet everyone else's expectations. i'm supposed to be good at everything, but i don't even know what that means anymore.

i close my eyes for a second, hoping it'll help, but it doesn't. the thoughts are still there. my phone buzzes on my nightstand. i almost ignore it. but... i reach for it anyway.

it's a message from K. one of the only people who ever gets it.

K: hey, u still awake?

i type a response without thinking.

Yuki: yeah. can't sleep. too much in my head.

K: same. always. wanna talk about it?

i stare at the screen. talk about it? i don't know if i can. i don't even know how to explain all the mess in my head. but, then again, i've never been good at keeping things to myself. i feel like if i don't say it out loud, it'll just keep piling up until it suffocates me.

Yuki: i feel like i'm just... faking it. like, everyone expects me to be perfect, and i'm supposed to be this person they want me to be, but i don't know how to do it anymore. i don't know what i want.

i wait for K to respond, my thumb hovering over the screen. i can feel my chest tighten as i think about the words i just sent. i shouldn't have said it. it's too much.

but then K's reply pops up.

K: i get it. it's hard to know what you want when everyone else is telling you what you should want. but it's okay not to have all the answers. you don't have to have it all figured out.

Yuki: i know... but it feels like i should. like i should already have everything in order. i'm always behind.

K: don't think like that. nobody has everything figured out. honestly, i don't either. and it's okay. i know it might not feel like it, but you're allowed to not be okay sometimes. it's normal.

there's something calming in K's words. i don't know why, but it feels like it makes sense in a way i haven't allowed myself to think about before. i always thought i had to be perfect. if i wasn't perfect, i was failing. it's hard to shake that thought, but maybe it's not true.

Yuki: but it's hard to just... stop. i don't know how. i don't even know who i am sometimes. like, i don't know what i'm supposed to feel or what i should want.

K: yeah. sometimes it feels like we're just going through the motions, huh? you just keep doing what you think you're supposed to do, and it never really feels like you're living for yourself. but we don't have to have it all together. none of us do.

i nod to myself even though i know no one can see it. maybe that's the thing. maybe it's not about having it all together. maybe it's just about... trying, even when it's hard. it feels like a heavy thought, but for some reason, it also feels like a little bit of relief.

Yuki: i guess... but what if i'm just not enough? what if i fail? what if everyone sees it?

i'm scared to ask that. it's the thing that's always stuck with me. the fear that maybe i'm not cut out for any of this. maybe i'm just not enough for anyone or anything. i've tried, so many times, to convince myself that i can keep going, but... it's hard to ignore the doubts.

K: you are enough. you are. you don't have to be perfect to be enough. and people who care about you will always see your worth, even when you can't see it yourself.

there's a long pause. i'm not sure what to say next. everything feels so tangled up. like, i know K's right, but at the same time, i don't really believe it. how can i be enough when i don't even know who i am?

Yuki: i wish i could believe that.

K: i know it's hard. i really do. but i believe in you. we'll figure it out, ok? you're not alone in this. i'm here.

i let out a deep breath. it's like, every time i talk about this stuff, it gets a little easier. it's not like i suddenly have all the answers, but... maybe i don't need them all right now. maybe all i need is to just keep talking, to keep moving forward even when i can't see the whole picture.

Yuki: thanks, K. i don't know what i'd do without you.

K: you'd be fine. but i'm glad you don't have to be. anytime, Yuki.

it feels like a weight lifts off my chest. maybe it's small, but it's something. maybe tomorrow will be a little better. maybe i'll figure it out. or maybe i won't. but i know that it's ok. i don't have to have everything sorted right now. i can take it one step at a time.

i close my laptop and roll over in bed. it's still late, but i feel... just a little bit better. like i'm not alone in this. like there's hope, even if i can't see it right away.

maybe i can do this.

maybe i can try to find out who i am, one day at a time.