Title Song: "When a Man Loves a Woman" by Percy Sledge

Heads were bound to turn when the Queen of Hell, the Sin of Lust, the famous clown Fizzarolli, and the Radio Demon were all walking down the street at once. Alastor tried to ignore the cameras flashing, particularly at him and Lilith, who still refused to release his arm. Asmodeus and Fizzarolli were too busy kissing up to the Queen to pay the onlookers any mind.

"You're absolutely right, Your Majesty," Asmodeus said. "If Lucifer really wanted you back, he'd be sending you flowers or a gift basket."

"Or at least some sexting." Fizzarolli winked.

Lilith sighed. "That's what I get for running off with the second man I bumped into."

"Well, to be fair," Asmodeus said with a shrug, "between him and Adam, the dating pool at the beginning of time left much to be desired. Now it's a much bigger sea with plenty of fish."

"And you," Fizzarolli said, his arm extending to point at Alastor, "picked yourself one sexy-looking barracuda!"

Alastor growled. "Once again, I am not her—"

"Indeed." Lilith patted his arm. "The species of man has certainly improved somewhat over the last ten thousand years."

He glared at the Queen. If only it were Tina on his arm right now. Wouldn't it be nice to take her out into town, maybe to a nice restaurant where everyone could see them? That way, no one would mistake him for Lilith's lover ever again.

Asmodeus and Fizzarolli led them to a humble little café. A bell rang over the door as they entered. Lilith stopped in her tracks when her gaze fell upon the occupants of the center table. Lucifer stood from his seat, eyes wide in surprise.

Beelzebub gasped dramatically. "O. M. G! Ozzie, Lily, what a like totally unexpected coincidence!"

Asmodeus gave an equally forced gasp. "What? You're having lunch at this café, too! We had absolutely no idea!"

From the way Fizzarolli and Bee's hellhound, Vortex, were snickering, Alastor sincerely doubted this.

Lilith turned to leave. "Let's eat somewhere else."

Asmodeus blocked her path. "We're expected back in forty-five minutes. It'd, uh, take too long to find a new place."

"Yeah, like, since we're all here," Beelzebub said, "we might as well chow down as a group! The more the merrier!"

She snapped her fingers, making the rectangular table longer. Fizzarolli stretched his limbs to snag more chairs. Asmodeus then pried Lilith away from Alastor and sat her in the seat directly across from Lucifer. Before either of them could change seats, the two other couples planted themselves down, leaving one chair at the head between the King and Queen.

Lucifer facepalmed. "Mother of me, you're fucking Parent-Trapping us again, aren't you?"

"What?" Asmodeus put a hand to his chest. "No! We just happened to pick the same café and thought this would be a nice little bonding experience!"

Lilith glared at the Sin of Lust. "Just like you thought locking us both in a closet during the Harvest Moon Ball would be a nice little," she used air quotes, "'bonding experience?'"

"Well it would've been," Bee said, rolling her eyes, "if you two hadn't teleported out of there after like two seconds."

"In hindsight," Tex whispered to his girlfriend, "we should've thought about that."

"The only reason I'm not teleporting now," Lucifer said, "is because I'm starving and was promised an apple turnover. I'll just take my order to go."

"Me too." Lilith scooted her chair backward.

"Oh, come on, you two!" Beelzebub hung her head back with a groan. "I know you're in like a rough patch right now, but you're still married."

"And still the King and Queen," Asmodeus added. "And we'd like to get through the rest of today's meeting without you two trying to smite each other."

"So let's like talk things out. Find some common ground. Or can't you be adults for like five minutes?"

Huffing, Lucifer crossed his arms. "I can be an adult. What about you, Lily?"

Meanwhile, Alastor was tiptoeing towards the door, hoping his mistress wouldn't sense his absence if he made a slow retreat. If he hurried, he might be able to enjoy lunch with his own wife. Before he could turn to shadow and slip under the door, the shackle appeared around his neck, and he was dragged back to the table.

"Now, now, sweet boy." Lilith pressed down on his shoulder to sit him between her and Lucifer. "You were invited to this meal. It'd be rude to leave so abruptly."

He tensed as Lilith's unwelcome hand trailed down his arm, as did Lucifer as he glanced between his wife and Alastor.

"Um, h-hi!" A shy little imp waitress waved at the table of Sins. "W-Welcome!" She handed the group seven menus. "W-We have a special of mint hot chocolate today—"

"Ooh!" Fizzarolli bounced in his seat. "I'll have one of those!"

"Make that two," Asmodeus said.

"Three," Beelzebub said.

Vortex ordered one as well, but Lucifer didn't even glance at the menu.

"Apple juice for me." He tilted his head towards Lilith. "Pomegranate for her."

Lilith stilled, while Alastor ordered black coffee.

"Uh." The waitress frowned. "S-Sorry, Your M-Majesty, but we don't h-have any p-pomegranate juice."

Sighing, Lucifer waved his hand, conjuring a pomegranate. "Then squeeze it out of this. On me."

He tossed it at the waitress who scrambled to catch it. "Y-Yes, sir! Right away, sir!"

Silence fell upon the café. Not just because the party of seven had stilled in conversation, but the other patrons were staring at them, getting out their phones to take pictures. No doubt they'd be all over the news within minutes.

It was Bee who decided to get the ball rolling. "So, how's Charlie doing? Haven't seen her in like forever."

"She's fine," Lilith said without taking her gaze off her husband. "She and her girlfriend are in philanthropy at the moment."

"Girlfriend?" Lucifer sat upright. "Charlie has a girlfriend? Since when?"

"Since three years ago." She narrowed her eyes. "You'd know that, of course, if you contacted her more."

The Radio Demon knew for a fact the Queen herself had only learned about the relationship last month.

"I contact her plenty!" Lucifer insisted.

"Mmm-hmm. And how often do you listen to what she says?"

He bit his lip. "You know Charlie. She isn't much of a sharer."

Asmodeus and Beelzebub gave him a bewildered look.

"Have you met our daughter?" Lilith asked.

"Well, maybe I would've gotten to know her more," the Devil said, crossing his legs, "if you didn't hog her all to yourself when she was growing up!"

"I was better at handling her."

"I handled her just fine!"

"She almost choked on a tiny rubber duck because of you!"

He scoffed. "She was at least one thousand by then! She should've known better!"

"What about that time you tossed her off a building at two years old to teach her how to fly?"

"That's how I learned at her age!"

"Then no wonder you're such a numbskull." She reached over to knock on his forehead. "You must've fallen and landed on your head!"

As much as Alastor relished in the misery of his mistress and her husband, he dreaded what this argument was bound to lead to. At the same time, the scene intrigued him in a way it hadn't before. It reminded him of his earlier days with Tina. The underlying tension behind mundane small talk. Of course, their arguments weren't quite so passionate, probably because they didn't come from centuries of resentment.

But the strange thing about this quarrel, despite how much the King and Queen were shouting, their eyes never left each other. Also, something worth noting was that on both their fingers, their golden wedding bands still gleamed.

Alastor rubbed his finger where his own black wedding ring sat under his glove. He'd forged it shorting after making Tina's ring. He dare not wear it in public, as it might raise questions. Was this how he and Tina would look in a few centuries? Fighting endlessly without resolve?

"And what's with you and Bambi here, huh?" Lucifer gestured to Alastor. "You sleeping with him or something?"

Oh no. Alastor groaned. Here it comes.

As expected, Lilith snatched his hand, stroking it.

"What do you care who I take to my bed?" Once again, she was neither confirming nor denying it. "You lost claim to it seven years ago when you decided we should go our separate ways."

Lucifer's jaw dropped. "I decided? No, no, no. You were the one who kicked me to the curb!"

Slamming her hands on the table, Lilith stood, her horns growing. "I merely encouraged you to stop being a pathetic little waste of a man running away from his responsibilities!"

"Me? Running away from responsibilities?" Lucifer knocked the chair over as he rose, his eyes turning red. "Who's the one who moved away from her husband and daughter?"

"Who's the one who's been doing your job," Lilith growled, her hair billowing as wind picked up in the café, "because you decided to take a long sabbatical making a bunch of useless bath toys?!"

"I'm allowed to have a hobby!" Lucifer's angel wings snapped out of his back.

By this time, it was as if the café was experiencing an earthquake. Cups rattled on their saucers and plates teetered on the edge of the tables.

"And I wasn't the one who drove our daughter away!" Lilith increased in height, her eyes glowing purple. "When she proposed her ideas for bettering Hell, you laughed in her face!"

"She wanted to rehabilitate sinners to get them into Heaven!" Lucifer's body stretched to match her height, red horns springing out of his skull, a flame igniting between them. "Even if it were possible, you know those fucking holier-than-thou stiffs will never allow something like that to happen!"

"Uh, guys?" Beelzebub looked down at the table, now split in half thanks to Lilith's claws. "Might wanna like tone down the hostility a bit?"

But neither of the monarchs acknowledged her.

"So, she has some revolutionary ideas!" Lilith stuck her elongated finger into her husband's chest. "She gets that from you!"

"Then she gets her stubborn nature from you!" Lucifer pushed against her shoulders.

"At least she cares about the people down here!"

"And she's probably more loyal to her partner too!" He pointed at Alastor. "What, fucking an angel wasn't enough for you? Or did you just want someone to dominate?"

Alastor snarled, no longer satisfied with being a mere spectator. "For the thousandth time, I am not her—"

"Typical Lilith. Wanting power over everyone she comes across. It's no wonder Adam liked Eve better than you!"

Nearly everyone in the café gasped. Even Alastor was taken aback. Lilith, now towering twenty feet, stilled, her eyes returning to normal as tears started to form. Lucifer's eyes also dimmed as he realized he'd gone too far.

"Oh, shit. Lily, I…" He shrank, retracting his wings and horns. "Honeybun, I didn't mean—"

Wailing, Lilith punched the ceiling, sending debris down on her husband, putting out his flame. Then she returned to her regular size, wiping her tears with a single swipe of her hand. She smoothed out her dress, resuming a regal pose.

"Come, Alastor." She summoned his chain, yanking him out of his seat. "Let's dine somewhere more…private."

The Radio Demon had no choice but to follow her out of the damaged café. He put a hand over his face, as if that would stop people from staring at him and speculating what Lilith meant by those words.

Just as they were out the door, the waitress returned with everyone's drinks. She gazed up at the newly formed hole in the ceiling, then down at the broken table. Lucifer was still staring forlornly at the door.

"Uh, on second thought." Asmodeus got out his wallet. "We'll take our drinks to go."

Lilith teleported herself and Alastor to her greenhouse, magicking up a table of fruit. She sat down immediately, jerking his chain towards the other seat. She pinched her brow with an exasperated groan.

"Ugh, that man!" She snatched a banana, tearing at its skin. "To think I gave up eternal paradise for that selfish, juvenile, irresponsible cad!"

The merciless way she chomped on the banana caused Alastor to protectively cross his legs.

"Seven years of barely speaking to me," she said, taking a pomegranate and ripping it in half, "and he only shows up when he hears I'm doing his job that he doesn't even like!" She plucked the seeds out of the pomegranate. "Sometimes I want to just take those stupid wings of his and pluck him like a turkey!"

While she continued to take her anger out on the fruit, Alastor polished his monocle. It was best to let her rant in these situations, lest he wished to be on the receiving end of her rage. As he settled the lens back over his eye, he noticed a cluster of lavender roses growing nearby. He picked one from the vine and inhaled it, thinking of the woman who'd inspired in him a much deeper appreciation of flowers.

These roses were Tina's favorite color. Perhaps he should fetch her another bouquet as an apology for being away for her all day. Maybe buy her a little gift as well. Earlier, he'd passed a record shop. Surely there was something in there that suited Tina's tastes.

"Alastor, are you listening?"

"Hmm?" He uttered absentmindedly, tracing the flower's soft petals with his finger. "Yes, yes. Sounds delightful."

Lilith raised an eyebrow as Alastor remained fixated on the rose with a faraway gaze, not seeming to hear her. She scrutinized him, noticing for the first time today that something was off about him. Not just his distracted behavior, but his overall appearance.

His coat looked brand new. Still the same pattern, but the tears and stitches were nonexistent. His hair, though still in its wild style, looked as if he'd bothered with a brush this morning. A quick whiff confirmed that his scent was different too. Usually, he smelled rancid of the blood and rotting flesh that he liked to consume. Now, he smelled of lavender. As if he'd recently, of all things, bathed.

When a man was distracted, started taking better care of himself and sniffing random flowers, it usually meant one thing.

"Alastor," Lilith said in awed surprise. "By any chance, have you found someone…special?"

Without thinking, he responded with a dreamy, "Yes."

Static spiked as he realized his slipup. "I-I mean…" He hid the rose behind his back. "N-No. W-Why would you think—?"

"There's no use hiding it from me, Alastor." Lilith raised her palm. "I've helped mortals with their romantic problems enough to recognize an infatuated man when I see one."

The reason it'd taken her this long to recognize it was because she'd been too caught up in her own romantic drama.

"When did this happen?" She leaned her elbows onto the table, resting her chin atop her hands. "Not too long ago, you were fussing about your matchmaking errands. Now you've found a match for yourself?"

Blush dusted Alastor's cheeks. He was both embarrassed and panicked. If Lilith uncovered the truth about his human wife, he'd be in serious trouble. He could be executed for breaking demon law. Even worse, she might take Tina away from him.

"So," Lilith said with a smirk, "who's the lucky being?"

Denying would only make him look guilty. Once again, he opted for a half truth to avoid suspicion. Besides, the Radio Demon desperately needed advice, and Lilith was probably the safer option than Rosie, who was even nosier.

"There," he said, bringing the rose back into view, "is someone I…admire."

Best not to mention he was married to this someone, as that would encourage more questions.

"I thought so." Lilith giggled, liking the distraction from her own problems. "Where'd you meet them?"

Alastor shrugged. "Just…happened upon her one day, and I couldn't stop thinking about her."

"And this woman is…?"

"Another sinner," he said quickly. "No one of notoriety."

Technically, Tina was a sinner, even if she hadn't died yet.

Lilith pouted. "Don't I get to hear her name?"

"I'd…rather not say." He nudged the rose with his finger. "With my reputation, I…wouldn't like to give her any unnecessary attention."

"Fair enough." The Queen sat up. "Whoever she is, it's nice to see you taking pleasure in the softer aspects of existence, sweet boy. Sometimes, I think you take your work too seriously."

Alastor didn't call her out on her hypocrisy. "Actually, I…wanted to ask you about something. I'm…not well-versed in these matters, as you know."

"You want dating advice," Lilith said simply.

He sighed in defeat. "I've been…courting this woman. She is pleasant to have around." His smile softened into something wistful. "We dine, we converse, we dance."

"But?"

His shoulders slumped. "I don't think she feels as strongly about me as I do about her. I mean…I don't think she hates me, but…anytime I so much as try to hold her hand, she recoils. It's like…she wants to reject me, but doesn't think she's allowed to." He gripped the stem of the rose. "Which leads me to believe she's too intimidated by what I am to outright refuse my affections, but still gives me hope by accepting my invitations and gifts, and I want to be the gentleman she deserves but it would be so much easier if she would simply tell me what is on her mind!"

He stopped when he noticed blood trickling down his fist from the rose's thorns.

"Ah, young love." Lilith sighed, staring thoughtfully into space. "Some things, it seems, never change."

Alastor loosened his grip on the rose, taking it in his other hand while he wiped his bloody hand off his coat. "She knows how I feel about her. What do I have to do to get her to feel the same?"

"Unfortunately, Alastor, you can't force these matters. Not even with love spells." She frowned. "If you're considering that, I wouldn't recommend it."

"No!" Alastor cleared his throat. "No, I…I wouldn't do that to her."

It'd been torturous enough for him to fall victim to a spell like that. He didn't want to put Tina through the same thing.

"Good." Lilith glanced at the rose. "How exactly do you show your affections? Do you bring her flowers?"

He gestured to their surroundings. "Enough to start a garden."

"Do you compliment her?" She pointed. "And I don't mean just for her looks."

His eyelids drooped, mentally recounting all the things that made Tina wonderful. "Any chance I get."

Lilith tapped her chin. "And you say she recoils at your touch? These touches are respectful, I hope?"

"Of course." Alastor placed a hand over his heart. "My mother raised a gentleman, after all."

"Hmm. In these respects, it doesn't sound like there's been any error on your part."

If only she knew the nature of the Radio Demon's deal with Tina.

"Then I don't understand." He held the rose to his chest. "Why am I unable to change her feelings about me?"

"Maybe you already have."

He blinked. "Pardon?"

"Here's the thing about men and women when it comes to love. Men tend to be," Lilith rolled her wrist as she searched for the appropriate word, "impulsive. As soon as they realize they have feelings, they rarely hesitate to act on them. Whether that be declaring immediate love or bullying the person to mask how they truly feel."

Alastor opened his mouth to argue, but then realized he had no ground to stand on. The moment he'd accepted his feelings for Tina, he'd sprung into wedding plans.

"Women, on the other hand, you may assume understand their emotions better. We do, I suppose, but we are less inclined to act on them." She shrugged. "Whether that is because we were born that way or are merely a product of our environment, who really knows? But in my experience, because a woman's heart is more delicate, we tend to be more guarded."

He tilted his head. "I'm not following."

"Take me and Lucifer, for example." A branch from one of her apple trees stretched into view. "Did you know he fell for me first?"

"No, but I can believe that."

He imagined the silly angel could have easily stalked Lilith from the Heavens. The same way Alastor had used his powers to watch Tina. He bristled at the idea of having anything in common with Lucifer.

"For me, it took longer." Lilith plucked an apple from the branch. "Quite a bit, in fact."

Alastor arched an eyebrow. "Wasn't the world created in seven days? And then the incident with the apple happened shortly after?"

She scoffed, elongating her fingernail to slice the apple in half. "Those Bible folks really like to simplify things." She chewed daintily on one half. "We didn't have a calendar at the beginning of time, but I can assure you the sun rose and set more than seven times before we were all expelled from Eden. How many days exactly, I don't quite remember. It was thousands of years ago, after all."

For a moment, she stared at the seeds embedded inside the apple. "What I do remember is I didn't know what to make of Lucifer, at first. I'd just had my heart broken over Adam, so needless to say, I was skeptical in meeting another man."

Alastor recalled the man who'd assaulted Tina in the alley. He still didn't know the full story behind that, but figured it had something to do with her current revulsion to his touch.

"But Lucifer was…different." The faintest smile tugged at her lips. "Sweet, attentive, funny. Everything Adam wasn't. It compelled me to indulge in his company, but…I tried not to appear too interested." She flicked her hair back. "You could say I invented playing hard to get. But I wasn't 'playing,' necessarily. I had to be sure he wouldn't treat me like my first husband."

Alastor leaned forward, more interested in this age-old story than ever. "When did that change?"

"At some point, I told him what Adam said to me. That he should be in control, because he was superior. And then Lucifer, he…he said…" She placed both halves of the apple together. "'Adam's an idiot. If he really loved you, he wouldn't treat you like a possession, but like the beautiful, strong, independent woman you are. At least, that's how I see you.' I then asked what he would do if I wanted to take control, and then… Well…"

Alastor had never seen the Queen blush so deeply. Her smile suggested she felt no shame or embarrassment over the memory. It boggled him that she could rave about Lucifer's stupidity but then talk about him so fondly. If their love had once been so passionate that they defied the holy powers together, why were they unable to stand each other now?

Then Lilith cleared her throat, putting down the unfinished apple halves. "The point is, be patient. You don't know the woman's history. She might simply need time to figure out her heart and see that you're being genuine. So, don't be discouraged if she's not eager to take the next step in your relationship. Enjoy what you have now, and perhaps, someday, it'll be something more."

Her phone rang, though Alastor wasn't sure from where, reminding her that the lunch break was almost over. He was still fiddling with the rose. She recalled the number of times he'd tried to slip out of the meeting, only for her to stop him.

"Alastor, is this lady of yours expecting you?"

He glanced sideways. "Not exactly, but…"

She folded her hands on the table. "You want to be with her right now."

With a blush, he muttered, "Very much."

Suddenly, Lilith felt guilty for leading others to believe that Alastor was her lover. She'd initially chosen him for this façade because of all her servants, he was the least likely to develop any attachment to her. But it was different now that he was attracted to another woman. Despite her relationship problems, Lilith was not one to stand in the way of true love.

"Go." She waved her hand in dismissal. "I don't think it's necessary for you to stay for the rest of the meeting."

Alastor's eyes widened in surprise. "You certain you don't want me as your smokescreen, Mistress? Lucifer might come back."

"Believe me," she said with a smirk, "I can handle my husband."

By her sultry tone, the Radio Demon wondered what "handling" was going through her mind as she said this.

"Here." Her hand glowed to form the vine of lavender roses into a bouquet. "Take some for your little sweetheart."

As the bouquet floated into Alastor's hands, he uttered, "Thank you, Mistress."

For once, he meant it.