'Look. All you have to do…is look.'
Nervous breaths, soft yet strained, passed between lightly parted lips as they soundlessly mouthed a silent mantra, the words dissipating into thin air before they could be perceived by the world. Delicate hands, torn skin fraying the edges of the tips of the fingers, clenched and unclenched in an off-rhythm pattern with anxious worry. Eyes, clenched firmly shut, pulsed agonizingly with physical discomfort, a companion to the emotional distress currently overwhelming her senses with revulsion.
Standing naked in her bathroom, the cold tiles beneath her feet a fleeting distraction from the errant wisps of air caressing her bare skin, silently reminding her of her current state of undress, Luka tried desperately to will herself to open her eyes, to finally gaze upon her body. She needed to see, to really see, just what she had done to herself, what had happened to her after all this time of neglect. She had to know if she could accept herself, even with her flaws.
Shifting her weight from one foot to the other, a putrid sickness rising in her throat as her naked thighs brushed up against each other, Luka clenched her hands into tight fists, pulling at every reserve of courage she still held within her.
Luka, as she often does, thought of Miku. The strength the young idol held within herself, how she has carried herself so far despite her own pain, how she shares that strength with her, with every gentle touch and loving whisper. Luka carried that strength with her, cherished it as a part of herself because it was a gift from her, a gift of overwhelming love and resilience.
She thought about her own life, the one she once lived, and the strides she has taken to fix her fractured existence. While far from perfect, Luka was keenly aware that it would never be again, she could see the improvements, could truly envision a life worth living, one where the pain no longer smothers the embers of hope still burning in her chest. A life where she could smile freely once more.
This was just another step in an all-too-long road. Every step was agonizing, like shards of glass puncturing the soles of her feet, punishing her for walking this road. She stung, she bled, she cried, but she kept moving. Because this pain, this hardship, was better than lying down and letting this festering sickness in her head snuff out the beauty and love she still held within her heart.
Inhaling a shuddering breath of frosty air, the telling signs of autumn slithering its way throughout the house, Luka steeled herself one last time and pushed past her fears, her eyes slowly fluttering open, shock and surprise lighting up her sapphire orbs as she laid eyes open her body for what felt like the first time.
It was…strange. Looking into the mirror, a girl with pink hair and sapphire blue eyes reflected back at her as they stared at each other in wonder, Luka could actually recognize her. It was her. After all this time, after everything she had done to herself, everything she had endured, she was still here. She was still Luka.
Lifting a shaky hand, her reflection mirroring her action perfectly, Luka felt a weak smile curling on her lips, tears burning in the corners of her eyes as she weakly waved at herself. The pink-haired recluse felt kind of stupid, standing naked in her bathroom as she childishly waved at her own reflection in the mirror, but she couldn't help the dopey grin that was starting to spread across her face. She was still here. She wasn't lost. Luka was still here.
As the initial wave of emotions began to fade, that spark of joy lingering gleefully in the corner of her mind, Luka took in her body with a more critical eye, sapphire orbs probing every facet of her reflection. While not loving what she was seeing, Luka wasn't as disgusted as she had first envisioned. Looking at herself, naked and open, something she hadn't been in a long time, Luka actually believed there were parts of herself she could still fix.
That she wasn't as broken as she had thought.
Holding out her arm, the pale skin lit up with a faint glow by the fluorescent lights above, Luka frowned slightly as she noted the light scratches and faded scarring, inflicted by her nervous and panicked scratching, that marked her flesh. Running her fingers gently across the light bumps dotting the edge of her hand, where she had bitten down viciously just a couple of days ago as she desperately tried to stifle her agonized screams, one of the many ravages her mental state had left on her body.
Holding her hand tight, taking the slightest bit of comfort from the familiar feeling, even if it was just from herself, Luka chanced a look at the rest of her body. Following the gentle dip and curve of her waist down to her hips, her body retaining its familiar feminine shape, sapphire orbs flickered softly as her heart ached painfully at the shallow grooves and wasting lines of her partially emaciated form.
Swallowing a large lump in her throat, a sick acidity burning in her chest as it traveled downward, Luka raised a shaking hand up to her side, trembling fingers ghosting along the bony protrusion of her hips up to the shallow indents just below her breasts of her faintly visible ribs. As her finger rested in the shallow trench separating her ribs, Luka sucked in a sharp breath of air in shock and disgust as her skin gently depressed inward with the lightest of touches, soft skin giving way to ragged bone.
This…this is what she's been doing to herself?
As her finger trailed along the ridge of her protruding rib, the harsh firmness of the bone feeling almost painful to the touch, Luka felt her stomach lurch horrifically as nausea and disgust made her head swim, her throat constricting to ward off the rising bile from bubbling up. Snapping her eyes shut, her head aching with a flood of storming emotions, Luka frantically fumbled for her shirt, a sense of relief washing over her as her fingers made contact with the soft material, the pink-haired recluse quickly pulling it over her head to cover her naked body.
Feeling the soft material glide over her skin, the hem of her shirt hovering just above her knees, Luka felt the sickness in her stomach ebb as she opened her eyes, her body once more covered, the ravages beset upon it hidden away from view. Lightly playing with the fabric of her shirt, letting the feeling of nausea slowly fade away as she took a deep breath, Luka felt like in time, even this could be fixed.
Staring at her reflection in the mirror, something that once was almost impossible for her to fathom, the very sight of herself too much to bear, Luka lightly ran her fingers through the rough tangles of her pink hair. Catching a couple of strands between her fingers, feeling the course texture of split ends scratching her skin, the reclusive girl cast a contemplative gaze toward the door, wondering if today could be the day she fixed something else.
Slipping on the rest of her clothes, the pink-haired recluse pulled her beloved sweater tight around herself, taking comfort in its cocooning warmth, Luka decided today would be the day she talked to her mother, and told her everything that happened to her. Placing her hand on the door handle, the cold metal biting her skin, the reclusive girl steeled herself as she pushed the door open, prepared to take the first step on the thorny path separating her and her mother.
Slowly descending the stairs to the main floor of the house, every step feeding the rising dread within her chest, multiple scenarios and what-ifs of how her mother would react playing in her head. From shame to anger, relief to joy, disgust to rejection, each one placed a heavy weight upon the pinkette's shoulders, a spectral hand offering to relieve her of her burdens should she only return to her room, to let this momentary folly pass her by and return to the comfort of her stagnant solitude.
Grabbing the railing tight, fingers aching as they clenched onto the wooden beam like a lifeline, keeping herself rooted to the spot, Luka pushed past the doubts and fears, the sound of her footsteps descending down the stairs driving her forward, proof of her own will, of her wish for change. Taking the final step, her bare feet touching onto wooden flooring of the home's main floor, Luka released her hold upon the railing, fingers feeling numb and cold as the blood came rushing back.
Casting her eyes up and down the main foyer, everything residing in its usual spot, a strange yet welcoming comfort to the reclusive pinkette, Luka found the house completely empty, the recognizable sounds of activity silenced into a hushed quiet. Pulling her phone out of the pocket of her hoodie, Luka allowed herself a brief smile as Miku's beaming face greeted her on her lock screen, the pink-haired girl noted the day of the week, recognizing it as one of the days when her mother would be at work.
Noting the time, her mind desperately trying to claw back her mother's work schedule, the reclusive girl figured she was going to be home within the next hour or two. Lifting her head, sapphire orbs peered down the hallway toward the kitchen, a fleeting thought passing through the pinkette's head, that brief moment enough to allow it to take root and blossom. Tucking her phone back into her pocket, Luka slowly began rolling up her sleeves, her feet pulling her to her destination before she had a chance to second guess herself, the fleeting thought becoming a moment of action, one not even the tangling vines within her mind were not able to smother.
Closing her eyes as she tied her messy, pink hair into a ponytail, the cool air permeating the house tickling the bare skin of her neck, calming breaths passing between quivering lips as Luka steeled herself. Sapphire orbs, glimmering hopefully with quiet determination, slowly slid open as practiced hands, slightly clumsy from disuse, grabbed the necessary implements she would need to prepare her and her mother dinner.
With a soft click, followed shortly by the shuffling of feet, heavy after a long day at work, Luka's mother stepped into her home with a weary sigh and tired groan, the elder Megurine depositing her keys on the nearby shelf while simultaneously kicking off her shoes. Undoing the small, proper bun atop her head, well-manicured nails running through her hair to straighten it as best she could, Miss Megurine slipped on her house shoes, letting her purse drop haphazardly on the ground.
Removing her jacket, the days growing colder as they were now in the thick of fall, Miss Megurine didn't even bother announcing her return, knowing the only response she would get would be from a silent home. Shaking her head, trying to push out those bitter thoughts, her heart unable to bear such anger every day, the older Megurine was surprised to hear a strange sound coming from the kitchen. Every day, for what feels like ages, the single mother would come home to nothing but silence, broken occasionally only by muffled wailing as her daughter suffered alone, sequestered for days on end in her room, her cries growing quiet as soon as she noticed her return.
But this was different, it was a sound that was completely foreign yet strangely familiar, like a whisper of a past she once knew, one of comfort and boundless joy. Quietly walking toward the kitchen, the air filled with a fragrant aroma of rich spices and roasted pork, Miss Megurine slowly peeked her head around the corner, chocolate-brown eyes growing wide in shock at the unexpected, and frankly unbelievable scene, playing out in front of her.
Standing in the kitchen, a soft sheen of sweat glistening on her forehead as she stood over the hot stove, her tongue peeking out from between pursed lips, a look of clear concentration on her face, was her daughter. Her Luka, chopstick held tightly between her fingers as she stirred the contents in the pan, was not only out of her room, but she was actually cooking, something she hadn't done since this whole mess started. Since everything fell apart.
Stepping out into the open, the elder Megurine made her presence known with a gentle rapping of her knuckles against the wall, Luka's head popping up in wide-eyed surprise at her mother's sudden appearance, a moment of confused silence passing between them, neither quite sure what to say. Breaking the uneasy eye contact first, Luka shyly averted her gaze as she went back to her work, Miss Megurine watching her daughter pour over her cooking with an unreadable expression on her face.
Watching as Luka carefully chopped the roasted pork into fine strips, layering each piece atop a bed of rice and vegetables, Miss Megurine didn't know whether she should jump for joy to see her daughter seemingly doing better or simply cry out in frustration and anger that it was happening now of all times. Grappling with these conflicting emotions, her lips drawn into a thin line as she idly played with a stray lock of her short, pink hair, her eyebrows quirking slightly when Luka lifted her hand to reach for the bowl of boiled eggs, noticing a couple of bandages adorning her daughter's fingers.
Lightly gripping the hem of her blouse, her lips falling into a dark frown, Luka's mother was reminded again of just how much things had changed with her daughter. Back before all this happened, before her father left, before she shut herself away from her and the world, Luka used to be an expert in the kitchen. Even when she was young and inexperienced, just an excited child wanting to help her parents while they cooked, her daughter never got hurt, not once.
How many things have changed that she hasn't even witnessed yet? How much has passed her by without her noticing? When Luka went to her room that fateful day and locked herself away from life and the world, she never came back, replaced with a stranger who had stolen her face. She would sometimes catch glimpses of her child in that stranger's face, when those lifeless, sapphire eyes shone with the smallest glint of light, when her voice managed to find its way past her lips, and when a faint, ghost of a smile would brighten her face.
These moments, so rare and fleeting, seemed to become more frequent in recent times. Right after she met Miku actually…
"M-mom?" Lifting her head in surprise, the sound of her daughter's voice strangely foreign to her now, the older Megurine regarded Luka with a questioning stare, a hint of curious interest in her chocolate brown gaze. "Would…would you like to join me for dinner?
With such a simple question, one practically innocuous to most other families, something that shows their familial ties, Luka left her mother utterly dumbstruck. Her heart ached as her stomach twisted itself into an uncomfortable knot, that vision from long ago, of a loving family, flashing before her eyes. The picture, muddied and broken over the years, deep cracks running like trenches across its surface, still shone so brightly, a treasure the elder Megurine would never part with.
"I'll set the table." Nodding her head, able to muster the smallest of smiles, one that failed to fully reach her eyes, Luka's mother quietly went about setting the table. As she placed down the extra set of chopsticks, in the same spot Luka used to sit in when she was younger, a brief flicker of warmth reflected in her mother's tired eyes. Having this moment, as unexpected and improbable as it feels, it still made her feel happy, if only for a little while.
Heaving a heavy sigh, her hands trembling slightly as she picked up the two sets of plates, Luka carefully carried them over to the table her mother had set earlier, placing one in front of her before putting down her own. Breathing heavily, her whole body awash with nervous energy as she waded into the rocky waters of their strained relationship, every step threatening to drown her beneath the choppy waves, chocking her as her lungs burned for the safety and comfort of her familiar isolation, Luka pulled her chair out and took a seat.
She wanted to brave these perilous waters to finally reach the shore on the other side, no matter where that may be.
Lowering her head, afraid to meet her mother's questioning stare, the older woman clearly skeptical about everything that was happening, Luka began listlessly picking at her food, her true motive resting uncomfortably in her stomach.
Staring down at her own plate, regarding the meal her daughter prepared with a critical eye, Miss Megurine frowned slightly at the dry edges of the pork, the entire dish less refined than what Luka used to make but still clearly above average for most, her skilled hand still very much there. Grabbing a piece of the roasted pork, Luka's mother took a tentative bite of her daughter's dish, her brown eyes widening slightly at its delectable taste, the older woman covering her mouth to hide the small smile that was curling on her lips as she chewed.
It was delicious, yes, but that wasn't what brought her such joy. It was…familiar. The quality may be different, and the taste may have been slightly off, but it still held that same feeling, one no one else could possibly recreate. It filled her with a strange feeling of nostalgia, of a moment in time not so long ago, yet one that feels like ages now when everything was okay.
But, as Luka's mother's thoughts wandered, her throat tightening slightly, it also meant Luka hadn't forgotten. It meant Luka still clung to the past, still held it dear to her heart, even while she isolated herself from the world. While this stranger wandered the halls of her home, an ever-growing distance spreading out between them, Luka never forgot.
And that made Luka's mother sick to her stomach.
Putting down her chopsticks, the light clacking of the utensils on the table ringing loudly in the silent house, Luka slightly lifted her head, sapphire eyes peeking worriedly out from behind a curtain of pink hair to her mother who was staring at her with an unreadable expression on her face. Chocolate brown eyes regarded her with an intense stare, her lips drawn into a thin line as her hands clenched into tight fists, both of them knowing what the elder Megurine was going to say, how this brief moment of peace would be broken.
"So…what brought this change about?"
Despite knowing what her mother would say, the unspoken question hanging uncomfortably in the air ever since her mother came back from work, maybe even since her first meeting with Miku, Luka still flinched slightly from the accusatory tone in her voice. That familiar sharp, acidic bite in her words, her eyes piercing like daggers as they stared unflinchingly at her, the heavy atmosphere between them bearing heavily down upon her shoulders causing her breathing to become labored, made her want to run away to her room, to safety.
"I…I wanted to talk to you."
Gently placing her chopsticks down, the utensils clinking softly against the ceramic of her bowl, Luka took a deep, calming breath, her gaze lowering from the sharp glare of her mothers to the worn wood of the table as the strained words passed from between trembling lips. Grasping fistfuls of her sweater beneath the table, focusing solely on her breathing, Luka, to try and drown out the screams in her head, to block out her mother's harsh glare, took comfort in a simple thought, one that has brought her this far.
No matter what happens, she will still have Miku.
"But!" Raising her head with a quick jolt, the sudden shout from her usually quiet and frightful child stopping her mother's biting retort, her eyes growing wide in surprise, Luka pushing forward before this fleeting confidence could fade. "But, please, please be patient with me. Please let me talk, no matter how frustrating it might get to listen to me mumble and ramble. Please, Mom, just listen."
Letting her lips settle in a thin frown, her unspoken words burning like acid upon her tongue, Miss Megurine nevertheless remained silent, brown eyes regarding her daughter in a strange new light. In that brief moment, as she spoke up in a clear, strong voice, her meek shell crumbling for but a moment, the elder Megurine witnessed a brief spark of fire burn within the crystalline depths of her daughter's eyes. And, for just a second, she swore she saw the daughter she once had.
"Okay." Nodding her head as she settled into the back of her chair, crossing her arms over her stomach as she regarded her daughter with a stern yet curious stare, Luka's mother agreed to her daughter's request. "I've wanted to know what happened to you for a long time."
Releasing a heavy sigh of relief, Luka was unaware she had been holding her breath the entire time as she waited for her mother's response, her whole body relaxing slightly as she placed a trembling hand upon her lap. Lowering her gaze, taking a couple of seconds to regain her bearings, to properly organize her jumbled thoughts, Miss Megurine remained true to her word, remaining quiet as she gave her daughter the time she needed.
"I'm not sure when it really started. I'm not even fully aware of what happened to me, or if it has always been like this."
Luka's words were quiet, her voice lacking confidence, but still, she spoke freely and openly to her mother, something she had been unable to do for a long time. Even if everything she said ended up a garbled mess of fraught emotions and senseless word vomit, at least she will have known she tried to bridge this gap, to open herself to the only family she had left.
"But," Luka continued, her voice hitching slightly, admitting all of this out loud was still very difficult for the pink-haired recluse. "I do know something is very wrong with me."
Keeping her gaze lowered, afraid of what kind of expression her mother was wearing at this very moment, be it sympathy or derision, Luka couldn't bear to witness either. She needed to tell her mother everything, to let these emotions she had been holding back free, to let her see just who she had become.
Only then can she accept whatever comes after.
"I know there is a problem, a big one, but I don't know how to fix it."
Fidgeting nervously with her sleeves, sapphire orbs watching her fingers twist and pick at the worn material, Luka used the distraction to keep her mind clear, so that her feelings did not get tangled within the thorny maze of her thoughts.
"Why didn't you say anything before?" Luka's mother questioned softly, her voice betraying no feelings of anger or even concern, remaining a disturbing neutral. "Why did you just remain silent? Why didn't you talk to the doctors about this?"
"I did talk to them!" Luka cried sharply as she raised her head, her sapphire eyes glassy with budding tears as she stared into her mother's shocked face, the elder Megurine caught off guard by her daughter's sudden emotional outburst.
"I tried to explain everything, explain what was going on, but how do you explain something that even you can't even understand. When no one cares to listen!"
Grasping some strands of her long, pink hair in her hand, anxiously curling them in and around the frayed skin of her fingers as she thought back to those seemingly endless sessions, the crushing disappointment in her parent's eyes as the doctor informed them in a cold voice of her lack of progress. Her mother grasping her father's hand tight as she cried, his grip remaining limp as he listened to the doctor's words in distressing silence, neither able to face their daughter as she sat quietly off to the side, sapphire eyes listlessly staring into nothing.
"I'm so, so sorry for hurting you."
Placing her hand upon her stomach as it churned and rolled in agony, her apology coming out in a choked sob, the strangled pain in her voice causing her mother's eyes to briefly flicker with shock before softening slightly, shame shining clearly within their chocolate depths.
"It's feels like…I'm lost in this thick fog in my own head. Every day, every moment of my life, I'm wandering through that oppressive nothingness, desperately searching for any sign of something, anything that is left of my old self. I scream and cry, hoping for any response, any sign that they are still there. All the while, my body is moving as if on its own, a stranger to even myself."
Holding her hand out as she traced imaginary lines through the air and across her body, trying to paint some kind of abstract picture for her mother of her fractured self, of her intangible thoughts and feelings, with her ramblings words, Luka tried everything she could to explain the mystery in her head.
"Sometimes, when I'm not choking on that stifling fog as it invades my lungs and settles deep in my chest, making me desperately scream for air, I feel like I can catch a glimpse of her, of myself. But, whenever I get close, when something finally seems to make sense, when the path seems just a little clearer, I feel these 'thorns' grasp me tight and violently pull me back. No matter how much I fight, how frantically I pull against them, to try and get back to her, to me, only ends up with my skin torn and bleeding."
Placing her hand demurely over her mouth, a gesture that would seem dismissive or disinterested to a stranger's eyes, Luka's mother tried to stifle the horrified gasp from passing her lips, her chocolate brown eyes clouded with horror and worry. This whole time. All these years…and she didn't know.
She didn't know a damn thing.
"But, with Miku," pausing briefly in her disjointed rambling, a soft smile briefly curling on her lips as her thoughts lingered on the twin-tailed idol, Luka placed an unsteady hand upon the table's surface, feeling the shallow grooves upon the aged wood, "things feel just a little easier. It feels like I'm moving forward. Slowly, with many missteps and setbacks along the way, but forward nonetheless. Standing next to her…being with her…It makes me truly believe that I'll be ok."
Quirking a curious eyebrow as relief washed over, the smile that briefly graced her daughter's face bringing a familiar warmth to her heart, the elder Megurine's suspicions were confirmed. Something was going on with Miku and her daughter, something very special.
"That's just a dream though, isn't it?" A sudden, dark pit opened up in the older woman's stomach at the sudden shift in the tone in her daughter's voice, the brief light of warmth in her eyes growing dull and empty. Her voice sounded so…hollow, broken. "How can that be true? Even now, talking about all this, putting everything into words, it all sounds like fucking bullshit."
Brown eyes widened slightly in shock at her daughter's words, caught off guard by the spiteful venom in her voice, Luka's mother having never heard her talk like this before, let alone swear. This was something different. Something dark that had been living within her for a long time.
"Things feel like they are getting better, but I'm just making that up, aren't I? I've been here before, had that hope dangled so tantalizingly in front of me, just to miss the sheer cliff at my feet. Swallowed up, that's what it feels like. Dark, empty nothingness, enough to drive you mad. But I'm already, aren't I? Would that make the most sense? Would that explain everything? Would that help me?"
Staring at her mother with wide, pleading eyes, sapphire orbs frantically searching for an answer, Luke knew she would never get one. There was no end to this. No matter what she did, it will always be like this.
"I try! Please believe me I'm trying…so…hard! I don't want to be like this! I want to make this make sense! I want to make sense! I don't want to just exist, I want to be someone! I don't want to be someone's burden, a weight upon their leg, I want to walk freely next to them. I want to understand who I am, and what is going on in my head so I can just fix it! I want to know…something!"
As her ramblings became more disjointed and frantic, her heartbeat racing wildly in her chest as her breathing grew short and labored, tears began to fall from Luka's eyes. Like a hot searing knife, they left burning streaks upon her face, each one baring one of the multitude of scars that had accumulated upon her heart, revealing every ounce of pain and anguish that had been inflicted upon this young soul.
"I don't know anything! I don't understand anything! I don't even know who or what I am half the time! I get so sad, so angry, so fucking frustrated!"
Luka's cries, once mere silent screams in her head, broke forth from her throat with a wretched sob, her voice breaking as she clawed desperately at her chest, trying in a vain attempt to keep it from bursting forth in a tidal wave of broken emotions. Everything she had kept inside, that had festered and pustulated in her head during her self-imposed isolation, was now flowing free and she couldn't hold it back anymore.
"I just want everything to be okay again!" Luka screamed as she roughly grabbed her head, fingernails digging painfully into her skin, her eyes screwed shut in agony as her cries reverberated within her chest. "I hate all the horrible things I've done to our family! But I don't think it will ever be okay again and I hate it!"
Images of her father's smile, now just a pile of fragmented memories, his face just a vague outline of hazy features, played in her head, watching helplessly from the sidelines as it slowly disappeared, leaving behind nothing but an empty frown. She watched as everything in her life, everything she touched, every relationship she formed, turned rotten and withered away before her eyes. Everything had fallen to pieces the moment her mind became her enemy, her very existence a blight upon the world, no progress she will ever make will undo what she had done to her family.
Everything was always her fault.
"I hate myself!"
As her fingers roughly pulled at her hair, her screams shredding her throat as all of her hatred and self-loathing erupted in an agonized cry, Luka felt a strange weight settle into her as a pair of warm and familiar arms wrapped her in a protective embrace. Sapphire eyes, bloodshot and tear-stricken, opened wide in shock as Luka slowly turned her head, a shock of pink hair, so reminiscent of her own, filling her vision with its gentle hues.
"Mom?"
"Luka! Oh, Luka…I'm so sorry." Luka's soft voice, wrought with confusion, was drowned out by her mother's desperate cries for forgiveness as she pulled her daughter protectively to her chest. "I didn't…I didn't know. I didn't think you were going through through such immense pain. I thou-I thought, I don't know what I thought. I didn't know…oh, hun, but I should have."
Placing her hand upon the back of her daughter's head, gently smoothing out her pink hair, the soft touch of her mother's hand soothing the angry welts from Luka's violent act of self-harm, the elder Megurine, tears pooling in the corner of her eyes as they slowly began to trickle down her face, held her daughter close for dear life.
"I'm so sorry, Luka." Holding her daughter tight, feeling how slight she was, how painfully fragile the young girl had become, Luka's mother choked back a strangled sob as a horrible, dreadful weight gathered in her chest. "I'm sorry I wasn't there. I'm sorry that I just hurt you more and more. But, most of all, I'm sorry for not trying to understand earlier. I should never have left you alone for so long."
Closing her eyes, tears running freely down her cheeks, the elder Megurine felt a painful stabbing in her heart as she cradled her daughter in her arms. She felt so…small. Wrapping an arm securely around the younger girl's waist, the billowy material of her sweater pressing into her body, Luka's mother felt her stomach churn at how skinny she was, remembering all the meals that were left uneaten at her daughter's doorstep.
How could she let this happen? This was her daughter! All this time, while she mourned the passing of some fictitious memory of her child, her daughter was left to suffer, alone and in pain. It made her sick to her stomach. It made her sick to think just how horrible everything must have been for her and how she just...gave up. But, there was still time. Things can still get better. They can fix this. She can still make things right.
She still has her daughter.
"I love you, Luka." Placing a soft, gentle kiss upon her daughter's head as she ran her hand soothingly through her hair, Luka's mother quietly whispered loving words into her daughter's ear. "I love you so much. I always have and always will, no matter what. I will always, always, love you, my sweet Luka."
With every ounce of emotion, every lonely night spent alone in her empty bed, those endless days spent staring up the stairs, hoping to see her daughter coming barreling down them with a cheerful grin and a chirpy greeting, with every bit of adoration residing within her heart, the elder Megurine conveyed her love to Luka. From the moment she first held her in her arms, she knew she would love her forever, that she was the most valuable treasure in her entire life.
And she still was.
"How?" A soft, timid voice, tinged with fear and doubt, emanated from within the elder Megurine's embrace as Luka slowly pulled herself away from her mother's arms, her sapphire eyes, irritated and bloodshot, staring at her in quiet disbelief. "After everything I've done. After Dad…it's all my fault he's gone."
As soon as those words passed the younger girl's lips, all the guilt and shame sitting heavy in her words, Luka felt her mother firmly yet gently grasp her shoulders, causing the social recluse to stare into the older woman's face in quiet shock.
"No! It's not your fault, no!"
Flinching slightly at her mother's sudden shout, it was her words that caused Luka's mind to spiral in shock and disbelief as they were completely opposite to what she believed to be true. She had to be lying. That's right! She had to be lying! There was no way it could be true! She knew what happened! It was her fault! Everything was her fault!
"But I saw it! I saw how much you hated me!"
Weakly pushing against the older woman's grip, her voice, damaged from her earlier outburst, raspy and torn as she desperately denied her mother's words, Luka needing them to not be true. All of this couldn't have happened for any other reason. She needed to suffer for what she did. It was only fair! It's what she deserved!
She was the monster that killed their family.
"I never hated you." Smiling sadly, her heart aching painfully at her daughter's words as she gently cupped Luka's cheek in her palm, unable to deny them, not fully. "Yes, I was angry, but I was angry at everything, even myself. I just wanted the pain to be gone, to feel all this hurt. And all I did was hurt you."
Lowering her head in shame, chocolate brown eyes screwed shut as a couple of stray tears rolled down her cheek, Luka's mother knew this was her fault. In her own suffering, draped in a veil of protective anger, she had hurt the most precious person in her life. Luka's mother knew she couldn't take back what she had done, couldn't erase those scars she had inflicted upon her daughter, couldn't expel the demon in her head, but she could still be there for her. Because there is one thing she is above everything else.
She is her mother.
"I'm sorry, Luka. I should have tried harder. I should have been there for you through all this. I should have never given up, on you, on our relationship. I should have been better. I should have been stronger. I should have been your mother."
With the softest of touches, a loving smile curling on her lips, Luka's mother gently wiped the tears from her daughter's eyes. Seeing her now, her crystalline blue eyes glowing gently in the soft light as she stared silently at her, long pink hair all messed up and frizzy, the elder Megurine could finally see her again. See that precious child she thought had been lost. But she was never gone, she was always here, her own eyes had only been clouded by the pain.
It was her lovely Luka.
"You…don't hate me?"
Sniffling softly, sapphire eyes wide and hopeful, Luka stared expectantly at her mother, her heart beating nervously in her chest. Was this okay? Was she allowed to hope for something so wonderful? Was there a chance for everything to be okay again? Even if it was just this, if it was just this much, can she be allowed to hope?
"Of course not." Laughing softly, her voice wavering slightly as small tears trickled from the corner of her chocolate brown eyes, the elder Megurine smiled brightly as she softly stroked her daughter's cheek. "You're my precious daughter after all."
A brief, serene silence fell over the pair as her mother's words filled the air, the distance that had been built between them crashing down like a cleansing rain, Luka lunging forward to pull her mother into a tight and desperate hug. Grasping her mother tight, fingers digging roughly into the material of her shirt as she clung to her like a lifeline, Luka let out all of her sorrow and anguish, her wailing cries echoing throughout the empty house.
As Luka cried, her mother wrapping her arms securely around her waist as she pulled her close, she let out all of the pain of the past. With every tear that rolled down her cheek, every mournful cry that passed her lips, Luka's heart felt just the tiniest bit lighter, her head getting a little less fuzzy. A warmth, so familiar and comforting, filled Luka with a long-forgotten feeling of happiness, a treasured connection she once shared with her mother, allowed to mend itself once more.
After Luka's cries slowly died down, only the occasional hiccup breaking up her gentle breathing, feeling her vice-like grip upon her shirt loosen slightly, the elder Megurine gently pulled Luka out of her embrace as she let her hands rest at her daughter's side, not quite ready to break their connection just yet. Pulling a handkerchief from her pocket, the elder Megurine gently dabbed the remaining tears from her daughter's face with a gentle smile on her lips, Luka mirroring her mother with a soft smile of her own.
"So…tell me more about you and Miku."
A/N: A broken bond has been mended.
Finally, after many trials and much growing, Luka has opened up to her mother. While painful, for both of them, it was a necessary step to reach a level of understanding so both could move on and fix their relationship. The road ahead may be hard, but it is no longer obscured and Luka won't have to tread it alone.
Writing this chapter, amongst all of the other issues I faced, was a tough one as I tried to properly convey Luka's mother's own feelings while not absolving her of her mistakes and how they hurt her daughter. It was a tough balancing act, all while also having to exhibit Luka's own emotions and issues that frankly were draining at times to just get down in words.
Next chapter: Reflections and reunions.
To say I hit a snag with my writing over the last year would be quite an understatement. It was frankly a lousy year for me creatively. While there was a will and a want, there wasn't a way. While I tried to push through and just get the reps in with smaller works, I just couldn't get a proper flow or motivation going. Hoping for better things this year as I hope to finish this story this year.
With that, I can announce that I will be purely working on finishing this story and that there will be only two chapters left. I hope everyone who has followed this story so far will be there to witness the ending of Luka and Miku's story!