I'm laying beside Cappie, our backs to each other on his bed, both of us not wanting to look at each other I think. The tension tonight was a little too much.
But I can tell he's not sleeping. I knew his sleeping noises pretty well and all I hear right now is dead silence.
He's as wide awake as I am. Maybe even going over that night step by step like I just had.
"I got pregnant in the closet", I speak then, my voice cutting through the silence like a knife as I let out a sigh.
"What?", he turns around then to look at me, so I reluctantly turn onto my other side to look at him too.
Now face to face with him, I decide to explain.
"You got me pregnant in the closet", I say again and I pause before I explain how I know. "Being here again, in this room, on your bed with you… I remember it better now. It came back to me".
I sigh out then as his eyes scan over my face, nodding slowly.
"I'm like… 90 percent sure we didn't use a condom in there", I say, gesturing over to his closet in the corner of the room. "So… that would be how this happened. The other times… when we were on your bed, we used condoms".
"Oh okay", he nods, his mind looking lost in thought. "I remember each time too and… you're probably right. I just never thought that I finished inside you".
He meets my eyes then.
"Well obviously that didn't seem to matter", I let out the air in my chest with a huff.
He nods then and looks a little downcast.
"Yeah I guess we really… weren't thinking, were we?", he says softly.
"Nope", I purse my lips together. "Not to mention the fact that us not using a condom could also mean that now I might be pregnant and have an STD, who knows!"
I groan out then, mentally kicking myself.
"You don't", he shakes his head.
I narrow my eyes at him and give him a confused look.
"How would you know?", I ask.
"You were the first person I slept with since coming back here for school and I uh… I get tested at the start of every school year at the clinic here on campus, it's routine for me. My summers get pretty crazy and-", he begin to grin slightly while he talks but I cut him off.
"I get it Cap", I groan, rolling my eyes back for a second, not exactly wanting to hear about him with a bunch of other girls. "But okay… that's good at least".
I let out a sigh of relief then.
"I definitely didn't give you anything either because… I've only ever slept with you and…", I trail off then.
"And he who shall not be named?", Cappie raises his eyebrow with a smirk.
"Yeah", I nod and let out a groan. "And me and Evan used condoms every single time... even with me being on being the pill".
"Just another example of Evs being more future oriented than me I guess, huh?", Cappie sighs out with a roll of his eyes.
In Freshman year I went on the pill because of things getting serious with Cappie so we protected enough to feel comfortable never using condoms. But Evan was a different story... he insisted, said his parents would disown him if anything ever happened. I'm sure they wouldn't want him being tied down with a girl who comes from the middle class.
We lay in silence for a moment then before I speak.
"The one time I let myself have a night off, the one time I let myself have fun again….", I moan out then, feeling helpless in this whole situation.
He looks at me then like he wants to say something but he doesn't. Instead he just moves his hand forward to take one of mine in his. My eyes travel up to search through his blue ones, feeling a little confused at this gesture.
"It's gonna be okay", he gives me a genuine look then, like his eyes are searing into mine. "I'm gonna… I'm gonna be here. And we'll figure it out together".
"Okay", I croak out with a nod and then can't help how the corners of my mouth turn up into a slight smile. "Thanks Cap".
"Yeah", He nods with a smile. "Of course".
This is getting a little too much for me, a little too intimate, here laying inches away from his face, his hand intertwined with mine as we lay on his bed. Which was where this whole stupid thing started in the first place.
I overt my eyes from his then, the idea of getting close to him scaring me slightly.
"Okay I'm gonna try to sleep", I purse my lips together awkwardly, letting go of his hand and giving him a small nod, turning back over. And this time, knowing I'm not alone, knowing that I truly have him with me, I finally fall into sleep.
I wake up to my phone ringing. It's in my purse on the floor beside my side of Cappie's bed but I hear it anyways.
I feel groggy and confused but lean over the side of his bed, grabbing it out of my purse nonetheless.
"Hello?", I hear the raspiness in my own voice.
"Casey?!", I hear Evan's voice. "What the hell is going on? I just came by ZBZ and Ashleigh said she has no idea where you are. What is going on with you? This has to stop!"
I'm too tired to come up with a decent response, too tired to even think it over.
"Look Evan… I just…", I sigh then.
"You're with him aren't you?", He sneers.
I look over to my right to see Cappie awake, just looking up at me, full well knowing who I'm talking to.
"No, it's not… it's not what you think I promise. I'm just dealing with something really important", I say. "But when I'm done… you'll have my full attention okay? I just need some time Evan".
"Fine…", he sighs. "And only because… because I know how bad I hurt you. Otherwise I would never put up with whatever this is Casey".
I roll my eyes at Evan, not really caring how he feels right now. I had much bigger issues to figure out.
"I know, okay? I'll talk to you later", I say plainly and then hang up before I can hear whatever else he has to say.
I throw my phone down on the bed and then look at Cappie.
"Sounds like your boyfriend has his blazer in a bunch", He jokes then.
I shake my head in annoyance.
"I don't know, it doesn't matter anyways", I try to put him out of my mind. "I'll deal with it later".
"Bet you're wishing you were pregnant with his kid right now, huh? Would be a lot easier", He gives me a look.
"Cap…", I sigh. "None of this is easy, doesn't matter who it's with. And things with Evan… even if this wasn't happening with… you and me… I don't know if I could ever truly get past what he did anyway".
"You shouldn't have to", Cappie looks at me seriously.
"I'm not… I'm not discussing this with you okay?!", I groan. "I just need to focus on the… cluster of cells".
I don't want to say the word 'baby'.
"Okay", he nods. "Well, you want something to eat?"
"No actually I-", I put my hand over my mouth then, feeling like my stomach is churning, nausea taking over me. "I feel like I'm gonna be sick".
I groan then and I quickly run to his bathroom, kneeling down in front of the toilet, heaving up the contents of my stomach.
I'm startled then when I feel his hand on my back and I let out a slight yelp.
"It's just me", He whispers behind me, taking my hair into his hands, gently pulling it back for me as I feel another wave of nausea coming on. I heave again, barfing up whatever is left in my stomach.
There's nothing else left to come up now so I sit back on my heels and then lean against the wall of his bathroom.
"Ugh… sorry", I sigh.
"Don't apologize", he shakes his head like he thinks I'm insane for doing so. "This is… because of…"
He can't say the word baby, and probably knows I don't want him to either, so he just gestures down to my belly.
I nod up and down as his eyes come up to meet mine.
"Yeah I've been sick every day this week. I thought I had the flu but… when it didn't go away… well, that's what led to me buying the pregnancy tests", I shrug and then put my hand on my temple in annoyance.
"Well here, why don't I help you up?", he looks at me sympathetically and then takes me in his arms, helping me up off the ground and guiding me back to his bed.
"I'll go get you some water", He nods. "Want me to bring you something to eat too?"
"Thanks… and sure, just… whatever you have", I shrug, not really caring. "I'm gonna call the women's clinic in town, they should be open on Saturday and I'll try to get in as soon as possible, hopefully Monday".
"Okay", he takes this in. "Have you… thought any more about what you want to do?"
"No", I shake my head. "I just know that the first step is to confirm the… pregnancy. And then go from there. If it's real then I'll either book a procedure to take care of it or I'm going to have to start… getting prenatal care... so…"
I groan then.
"God, I can't believe I'm even saying those words", I shake my head in disbelief.
"Yeah I know", he nods, pulling some jeans and a random t shirt on. "I'll go… get us some breakfast".
"Thanks", I nod and start to dial the number for the women's clinic.
I'd been there once before, in freshman year, when me and Cappie had gotten more serious and I realized I might be ready to sleep with him. I wanted to be prepared if I did, wanted to get on birth control. Obviously, despite the fact that I'd considered myself pretty responsible for doing so, that hadn't done anything for me now. I was still dealing with with an unplanned pregnancy at 20.
"Cyprus Women's Clinic, how can we help you?"
"Oh hi", I speak nervously. "I- uh, I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant and I was wondering if I could come in as soon as possible to confirm it? And to… figure out what to do I guess".
"Of course! We have…", I hear her make some clicks on her computer. "Monday morning at 10am?"
"Yeah that works. Thanks so much! I'll be there", I nod, happy that they have an appointment so quickly. Now I just had to get through the weekend.
"Of course. See you then!"
"Bye!"
I hang up as Cappie walks through the door with two bowls of cereal.
"So uh…. we didn't have much for breakfast other than this", He gives me an awkward laugh.
"Well this is the Kappa Tau house", I scoff. "You guys would never spend money on a hasher, you put it all into your beer budget".
I look at him with a smirk as he laughs.
"Exactly", he nods and hands me a bowl.
I look down at it. It seemed to have multiple kinds of cereal in it.
"Alieos, Cocoa Puffs, Lucky Charms, Rice Krispies…", He explains when he sees me staring at it. "I thought I'd just mix them all together".
I laugh then and take a bite.
"Well Cap… it's not half bad", I shrug.
"Good. So… did you get an appointment?", He looks serious then.
"Yeah, Monday morning at 10", I nod.
"Okay cool, well, I'll pick you up and take you", He says.
"Cappie… we talked about this last night", I give him a slight groan even though I can't help but feel a little comforted that he wants to go with me. "I can… I can do it. Or I can ask Ash to go with me".
"Will you please just let me help you out with this?", He gives me what's almost an eye roll. "Please Case. I want to".
"Okay", I nod, deciding to just take his help. "Thanks, I guess you could drive me, I'm gonna be pretty… anxious so it might be nice to have someone else there…"
I trail off.
"Even if that someone's me?", he scoffs as he finishes my sentence.
I shrug then.
"No… it's not that. It's just that this appointment is going to probably be pretty personal for two people that barely even know each other anymore", I say.
"I know we didn't talk for most of last year and I know that you wouldn't choose to be doing this with me… but Case you can't say we don't know each other. I think I know you pretty well, whether you like it or not", he looks at me, dead serious.
For some reason that last part makes me blush, makes the corners of my mouth turn into a reluctant smirk.
"Fine. You're right", I nod.
We hear a knock on the door then, grabbing our attention.
"Cap! It's me, Rusty. Can I talk to you?"
I immediately feel my heart stop. Me and Cap meet each others eyes at exactly the same time in a panic.
"Cappie!", I whisper to him worriedly.
"Shit, um…", he looks around his room and then takes the bowl in my hands, putting it down on his dresser with his. "Here, why don't you go in the closet?"
"Yeah okay", I nod, thankful for his quick thinking as I get off his bed to go hide.
Damn this stupid closet! I think to myself as I shut the door, closing myself in here to hide, knowing this is literally the scene of the crime.
"Hey Spitter!", I hear Cap open the door. "What's going on? I haven't talked to you since last night".
"Yeah well, I just wanted to come say… thanks for the Lisa Lawson thing Cap but… I couldn't go through with it, I hope you understand", I hear Rusty say.
"You don't have to explain Spitter, I totally get it. And I'm sorry if I… pushed you or anything. You should wait for the right girl. You'll know when it's time to do... that", Cappie assures him.
"Funny, that's just what my sister said to me last night", Rusty remarks.
"Well… your sister is a pretty smart person", Cap lets out a scoff. "She's right".
I hear a pause then and some noises of them moving around.
"Cap?", I hear Rusty's voice, him sounding confused. "Isn't this Casey's purse?"
Shit! Why didn't I bring it in here with me?!
"Uh… is it?", I hear Cappie stammer. "I don't know why her purse would be here… so it's probably just because I just hooked up with a girl who must have the same purse as your sister".
"Oh…. Okay", I hear Rusty say. "Hey wait, that's her notebook sticking out of the purse…"
I hear him moving then.
"This is definitely her purse Cappie…", Rusty speaks.
"So it is… Um maybe you could give it to her when you see her next?", Cappie suggests, probably panicking.
I hear a thud then.
"Whoops, crap, I dropped it and everything fell out", I hear Rusty groan. "Wait…"
Crap. Rusty was too smart for us. And I knew full well my purse was full of pregnancy tests.
"What are all these plastic things?", Rusty speaks curiously. "Are these… what I think they are?"
I decide to just give in then, give in and come clean. I didn't want to leave Cappie alone to deal with this.
"Hi... Rusty", I sigh as I come out of his closet.
"Oh my god! I knew it! You and my sister?!", He just about shouts, looking from me to Cappie. "She kept saying all this cryptic stuff last night about knowing you and knowing how you are and… Wait… you're the mystery guy she lost her virginity to, aren't you?"
"Um… We probably shouldn't be talking about this Spitter, but… yes", Cap sighs.
"Are you pregnant Case?!", Rusty looks to me. "Are these positive?"
"Um… yeah", my voice cracks as I croak out the words.
"Oh my god", He looks shocked. "Is it Evan's then?"
"Nope, the thing growing in Casey is property of me Spitter", Cappie gives him an awkward look, joking with him.
I roll my eyes at the fact that he thinks that this is the time to be joking around.
"What?!", Rusty looks like he's going to pass out.
"I can explain Rusty, okay?", I look at him, speaking seriously. "Me and Cap… dated freshman year. And then… we hooked up a few weeks ago during Rush. And now… well you can fill in the blanks".
I groan then.
"So there's no way it's Evan's?", He confirms. "That's kind of a relief".
"Right?!", Cap laughs.
"Not funny guys! And yes… there's no doubt in my mind Rus. Me and Evan haven't slept together in months…", I sigh.
"Unlike me and your sister who managed to fit 3 times into one very memorable ni-", Cappie starts to say but I cut him off by giving him a death glare.
"Ew! I feel like I'm gonna be sick", Rusty gives us a grossed out look.
"Casey already has you beat on that front", Cap comments with a scoff.
"You threw up?", Rusty looks to me.
"Yeah, it's… morning sickness", I groan. "Shouldn't you know that Mr. Polymer Science?"
I put my hands on my hips.
"I'm a polymer science major, not biology", Rusty glares. "But yes, I know what morning sickness is. I just can't believe this… my big brother and my big sister?"
"To the outside world that sentence could sound very very wrong Spitter", Cappie quips with a laugh.
"You're right", Rusty scoffs, realizing what he's just said.
"None of this is funny guys!", I groan then. "If I don't… do anything about this, I'm going to have an actual live baby! Depending on me! Me, who barely even take care of myself!"
"Well, and me", Cappie adds. "The baby's gonna be depending on me too".
"So you guys are gonna raise it… together? Are you dumping Evan? Because that would be aweso-", Rusty looks at me but I cut him off.
"We're not together! And please, no talk of raising babies until… until I decide what to do", I sigh out and then sit down on Cap's bed again, still not feeling great.
"Mom and Dad are going to freak Case", Rusty shakes his head.
"Well that's why you're not going to tell them!", I look to him, my eyes telling him that I'll kill him if he does. "I'm serious Rusty! I know you and mom have your nightly calls to each other-"
"Wait nightly calls?", Cappie laughs then, teasing Rusty.
"Casey?!", Rusty looks to me, embarrassed and annoyed that I've outed him.
"You can't tell her okay Rusty?", I plead. "Please. If I end up having the baby then… I'll find some way to break the news to them. But I don't even know if it'll come to that".
"So you might… get an abortion?", Rusty asks.
"Well yeah… isn't that what any college girl would do in my situation?", I shrug and feel tears rise up in me then, threatening to spill out onto my cheeks. "I never ever thought I would have one but… it would take care of this whole thing".
The thought of having one makes me so upset, makes me literally more nauseous than I already was, but it didn't mean that it wasn't the right thing to do in this situation.
"Well I think you should take some time and just really think about what you want. I'm here for you Casey, I promise", Rusty gives me a sweet smile.
"Thanks", I look up at him, my expression softening now as I nod. "I appreciate it. And please… don't tell anyone. Only Ashleigh, Cappie and you know".
"Okay, I won't. Doesn't this… kind of mean that you should break up with Evan though?", Rusty raises his eyebrow at me.
"That's what I think", Cappie chimes in and I turn to give him a glare. "I can't really see Lamebers wanted to play step daddy to my kid".
"It's not a kid!", I remind him. "And I'll figure the Evan thing out myself".
"Okay", Cappie nods up and down with a shrug that says he still doesn't approve of me with Evan.
"Anyways guys… I kind of just want to go home, I still feel pretty sick", I sigh.
"Okay, I'll walk you", Cappie offers immediately.
"Cap, c'mon", I look at him like he's crazy. "There is no way you and me can just stroll along Greek row on a Saturday morning! Last night was different because no one was around".
"Okay fine", He shakes his head. "Rusty, you want to do the honours?"
"How about I get myself home by myself since I'm very capable of doing so", I look back and forth between the two of them before Rusty can answer. "You guys stay here and… play beer pong or watch porn or whatever it is the KTs do on a Saturday".
I give Cappie a snide look then, but I hope he knows I'm partly just playing around with him, teasing him. Because that's what we do.
Cappie gives me a smirking look then, amused by my teasing.
"I'll have Beaver cue up the Skinamax downstairs as soon as you're gone", He jokes back to me, returning the snide look I gave him.
"Great! Have fun playing with yourself!", I glare at him before slinging my purse over my shoulder and leaving out his door.
"I don't really understand your guys' relationship Cap…", I hear Rusty's voice to Cappie as I stand out in the hall.
"Me neither Spitter, me neither", Cappie sighs. "Your sister is very ... complicated".
I grin to myself slightly then, feeling a little bit exhilarated by our banter. Even if I really, really shouldn't.
The rest of the day goes by pretty slowly if I'm being honest. Probably because I spend most of it worrying.
I know that Frannie and the other girls can tell something is up by the way I mostly just hole up in my room. But luckily none of them say anything to me. I think even Rebecca knows something is going on with me because she barely gets under my skin, her annoying comments just sliding right off my back.
By the evening I'm just laying on my bed, away from the romcom marathon going on downstairs. I didn't really care about seeing some stupid curated movie romance right now. In my experience, romance either means the guy cheats on you, or the guy drives you insane and then knocks you up unexpectedly.
Ash knocks on the door then, coming to check on me.
"Hey", She smiles as she comes in. "Thought I'd see how you were doing".
"Thanks", I grin, giving her as much of a smile I can muster up. "I've been… better. But I'm trying to just focus on other stuff. Like… studying!"
I lift up the English textbook I'm reading right now.
"Well that's good", Ash shrugs.
"Sure, even if studying is futile at this point since I probably won't even be able to graduate anymore anyway", I scoff, speaking bitterly.
"Casey, c'mon don't say that", Ashleigh sighs.
"It's just the truth Ash!", I shrug sadly and look down, playing with the threads on one of my decorative pillows.
"Casey you look like… annoyingly thin", Ashleigh comments, looking at me. "Annoying because I'm kinda jealous. But then… I'm also worried because you barely eat anything lately".
"Well it's a little hard when I can't keep anything down and am also beyond depressed about the state my life is in", I groan. "And besides, you won't be jealous for long since soon I might look like a whale".
I give her a look then as I shake my head, still in disbelief.
"Right, we haven't talked about it much, I've just been kind of giving you your space", Ash sits down on my bed beside me. "But I wanted to tell you that I think you're really brave for telling Cappie. It was definitely the right thing to do".
She gives me a smile then which I return, happy that my best friend is here.
"Well… I wasn't planning to", I shrug. "But I'm happy I did too. You know… he's actually been better than I thought he'd be so far".
"I never thought he would be bad about it. Maybe if it was some other girl he got pregnant, but not with you", Ash scoffs.
I give her a look then, my brow furrowing.
"What do you mean?", I shake my head.
"Oh c'mon, you know what I mean!", She rolls her eyes. "He's completely obsessed with you still. He wants to be with you, and… this is a pretty sure fire route to doing it".
Ashleigh shrugs then.
"Ash c'mon", I scoff. "Getting pregnant by someone is no reason to be in a relationship with them".
"Yeah but it is if you still have feelings for them", She shoots me a suggestive look then.
"Ash", I groan.
"You can deny it all you want, you probably even hate the fact that you do, but on some level, you like him", She looks at me with a slight grin then, knowing she can read me.
I stare at her in contempt for a moment but then decide it's no use, Ash knew me too well.
"Fine, so there's a part of me…", I roll my eyes back. "A part of me that I wish didn't exist, but a part of me nonetheless… that still has feelings for him".
"I knew it! You chose him to sleep with him for a reason", She gives me a look.
"Fine", I groan. "Yes, there's something between us still. But… it's not anything that will last, right? He's not capable of it. And we shouldn't be together. Having chemistry, having fun together, and having someone know exactly the right way to make you tick doesn't mean that they're your… soulmate".
I say that last word with a shake of my head.
Ash looks at me for a moment, like she's trying to figure out what to say.
"But what if it does?", She shrugs.
I just look at her then, truly not knowing how I should respond to this. Because if I'm being honest she's just voicing what's been in my head.
"Were you even just a little bit happy about the fact that the baby is his when you found out about this whole thing yesterday?", She asks.
Happier than if it was anyone else's, I think to myself.
I don't say anything, instead I just look down, going back to nervously playing with the pillow threads again.
"I'm taking your silence as a yes", Ashleigh laughs then, seeing through me of course.
"Fine", I huff. "But it doesn't mean me and him can be parents. I mean can you imagine Cappie with a baby?!"
Ashleigh looks off then, thinking, and then starts to laugh.
"Yeah no, not at all", She agrees with a laugh. "But if keeping it is really what you want to do… I'm pretty sure he'll try his best".
"Yeah?", I speak quietly.
"Yeah", Ashleigh reiterates her sentiment, giving me a smile.
My phone starts to ring then, interrupting this moment between us.
"Is that Evan?", Ash asks.
I pick up my phone to see his name. Cappie.
"No actually…"
"I knew it would be him", Ash says, knowing who is it without me even having to say it, giving me a slight laugh. "I'll… be downstairs with the girls. I'll come up and check on you later. I should give you guys some privacy".
"Okay, thanks Ash", I smile genuinely.
Then I answer my phone, hoping I've not let it ring too long.
"Hey Cap", I speak tentatively, nervously now after the conversation with Ashleigh I've just had.
"Hey, I hope this isn't too weird. Since… we don't normally call each other. But I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Since… you weren't feeling great when you left here", He says.
I can't help the way my lips purse into a soft smile.
"I'm fine", I nod. "I'm having some crackers and peppermint tea right now so… that kinda helps with the nausea. You didn't have to check on me though, especially since it's Saturday night. I would've thought you guys would have a rager going on or something?"
"Well…", he sighs and then laughs. "There is copious amounts of beer pong being played and some Tri Pis hanging out downstairs but.. I've just been in my room".
"What? Did you catch my morning sickness?", I joke around with him as I scoff.
"No", he laughs. "Just... not in the mood right now I guess".
I can imagine him shrugging right now, imagine him laying on his bed just like I am on mine right now.
"Well… I'm fine so you're… off the hook", I say then. "You don't have to worry about me".
"Easier said than done", He scoffs. "I've been…. in my head all day".
"Yeah me too", I nod, speaking seriously now. "Let's just… wait until the appointment on Monday. Maybe that will… give me some clarity".
"Okay, yeah, yeah you're right", He agrees.
"And by some miracle…. maybe I won't actually be pregnant", I shrug, knowing that it's extremely delusional to think that way. "And then we can go back to ignoring each other and pretend this never even happened".
"Hey you're right. Maybe… maybe every single pregnancy test company will recall their tests for being faulty or something?", I can tell he's joking with me now, trying to make me laugh. It's working though as I let out a reluctant giggle.
"Yeah, sure…", I speak sarcastically. "Anyways… um… I'll see you Monday?"
"Yeah I'll drive you".
"But text me when you're outside okay? And then I'll come out so no one sees us", I confirm.
"Right… the whole you having a boyfriend thing", He says almost jokingly.
"Yeah….", I nod awkwardly. "Anyways, have a good night Cap".
"Yeah you too", he says, awkwardness in the air between us now. "Sleep good. Bye".
We hang up then and I let out a deep breath that I'd been holding in, feeling my heart pounding a little bit at our conversation. Feeling those stupid butterflies that I'd felt the night I'd slept with him.
I try to snap out of it, try to keep focusing on my studying again but the entire night Ashleigh's words ring through my head.
Because there was a little part of me that was happy this was with him. Of course there was.