I'm tapping my foot incessantly in a steady rhythm against the coffee table full of parenting magazines in front of us. For some reason the steady movement is soothing me.
Soothing me because I'm currently in a room of women who were definitely not 20 years old, and definitely weren't going in to ask about getting an abortion. Not to mention, it felt like there were millions of babies and toddlers in here, running around.
Me and Cappie really did stick out like a sore thumb.
"Ah!", I let out in a yelp as I feel something startle me, taking me out of my anxious stream of thoughts.
It's just Cappie's hand on my thigh, steadying me, stopping my leg from moving.
"Whoa", he looks over to me. "Someone's a little jumpy".
"Well Cap, not all of us can live anxiety free", I groan, giving him a nervous look. "I'm freaking out! I've never done this before".
"Haven't you been here before?", He raises his eyebrow at me.
I'd been the one who directed him how to get here and I'd had a file here already, so I think he assumed.
"Yeah… but that was almost two years ago when I came here to get on birth control...", I say, speaking quietly so no one hears us. But to be honest, with all the little kids in here running amuck, no one can hear much of anything. "Not confirming that I'm carrying the spawn of Satan!"
"Mmm is Satan your new nickname for me?", He grins at me, showing me his usual smirking face I knew all too well. "I like it".
I roll my eyes at him and then go back to my leg tapping.
"Ironic that both times I'm here because of you", I scoff bitterly then as I shake my head at the irony.
He looks to me for a moment, figuring it out in his head.
"Oh right… getting on the pill so that me and you could make sweet sweet love", He jokes. "And now… because I stupidly can't control myself when I'm inside you".
He looks over to me with a suggestive grin and I shake my head like he's crazy, trying to avoid his gaze. Because if he can see me he'll know I'm blushing, know that what he said just made my stomach flip flop.
"Casey Cartwright?", I hear the receptionist call out.
"Let's go", I turn to him, grabbing onto his arm and pulling him up, power walking over to the desk as I drag him with me.
"Hi there! Right this way please", She grins, chipper, more chipper than I was right now that's for sure. "Okay room 4 here. Dr. Thomas will be in to see you shortly. There's a gown on the exam table you can change into. Underwear off too please. Thank you!"
"Okay, thanks", I nod at her and then she closes the door, leaving me and Cap alone in this room.
"Underwear off?", Cappie quips with a grin. "I think I might like it here Case".
I give him a death glare and then throw my purse at him, surprising him as it hits him with a thud.
"Don't speak too soon Cap, you're not getting to see anything today", I give him a snide look. "Turn around".
"Wow, did that hormonal pregnant woman thing people talk about kick in already… or?", He gives me a look while turning around slowly to face away from as I change.
I begin to take my skirt off, then my top. Then I put the gown on, it fitting huge on me as I tie it tight.
"You know… this is kind of ridiculous when you think about it. Since… I've done things to you that are much more naughty than just merely seeing you naked. For example… being inside your body, running my tongue down your-"
"Shut up!", I cut him off as I throw my clothes at him.
"Whoa!", he turns around then, picking my skirt up off the floor from where it had fallen. "You could've given me some warning!"
"I could say the same thing to you about getting me pregnant!", I argue, rolling my eyes back in my head.
"Noted", he nods, me finally having shut him up.
Now with the gown on I reach up my legs to slip off my panties.
"Here", I hand them to him to hold with the rest of my stuff.
"Mmm I love being your bitch boy", he smirks, continuing to play around with me as I prop myself up to get onto the exam table.
Part of me still is happy that I brought him with me though, he was kind of distracting me from the intense fear I felt. And his familiar presence made me feel a little more at ease.
I hear a knock on the door then as I get situated.
"All ready in there?", I hear a voice outside the door.
"Yes, come on in", I answer.
A tall woman with red hair comes in then. She looks friendly, like she's going to be kind to me, and that immediately allows me to let out an internal sigh of relief.
"Hi there, I'm Dr. Thomas", she leans forward to shake my hand. "You must be Casey".
"Yeah, hi", I nod nervously.
"And this is…?", She looks to Cappie with a smile.
"Um… he's the dad", I say. "I mean, not that he's gonna actually be a dad. We don't know what we're doing yet… He's not my boyfriend either, he's just-"
"I'm the guy who knocked her up", Cappie cuts off my nervous rambling and puts his hand out to shake the doctor's hand as he smiles. "At least we think I did… I guess we'll find out from you soon".
Dr. Thomas laughs then at the two of us, this type of situation probably not all that common for her.
"Alright, well its nice to meet you two. So you think you're pregnant?", She sits down on her wheeling stool, looking to me to explain.
"Yeah I'm late on my period, like 10 days late now", I say awkwardly. "And then three days ago I took some pregnancy tests and they were all positive so…"
"And I see 2 years ago you started an oral contraceptive pill, are you still taking that?", She asks, looking at her computer, at my chart I'm guessing.
"I was, um… up until I got the positive tests and then I stopped the past 3 days because I don't know if it's bad to be on them or not if I'm pregnant", I explain.
"Okay", She nods. "Yes, you would have to discontinue them if you are pregnant and carry to term".
She's probably wondering why the hell I'm here if I'm on birth control, why it didn't work.
"Okay", I nod up and down.
"Alright well today we're going to do another urine test and a blood test as well to confirm. And we'll try to get as close a prediction to the conception date, as well as the date of your last period, so we can determine your predicted due date", She explains.
"Oh I know when the conception date was", I pipe up. "It was August 20th. Well, the start of August 20th, the early morning hours if that makes any difference. One hundred percent, it was the only day I was… intimate… in a couple months".
"Okay thanks for telling me, that'll make it easier for us to look at a timeline of your pregnancy and how the baby should be measuring if you're pregnant", She smiles and then looks to me, probably seeing the uneasiness on my face when she says the word 'baby'.
She looks from me to Cappie then and then sighs slightly.
"I don't mean to overstep, but I have to ask, was this pregnancy not… planned?", She asks us.
"No, not at all", I say. "Like not even in the slightest. We're both students at CRU and… never would've planned this".
"Well I know how scary a time this probably is for you both", She gives me a sympathetic look then. "But we're here to help as much as possible. The first step is just ensuring that you are pregnant and that that's why your tests are coming up positive. How many did you take?"
"Um…", I feel a little embarrassed then. "12".
"Well…", She can't help but laugh. "I would be remised to think that 12 tests are all wrong but we'll check anyways. Here's a urine bottle to give us a sample and then my assistant Julia will be in shortly to take your blood, and I'll be back in a bit with the results. Hang tight".
She touches my leg then, trying to be comforting. I think able to tell that I'm practically shaking.
Now alone in the room, me and Cappie sit awkwardly.
"I'm gonna go do this urine test", I say with a sigh and he nods as I go out into where the washroom is.
When I come back I set the urine sample baggy on the desk and then get back up into the exam table to sit with my legs hanging over the edge.
"Everyone seems really nice here if… if you have to go somewhere throughout the… pregnancy", He says the word like it's foreign. "To get care… then this place is pretty good".
"Yeah", I nod. "You're right".
The door opens then and a younger woman comes in, introducing herself and then taking a couple vials of my blood.
"Alright, I'll take these along with your urine sample. The doctor will be back in shortly", She smiles and then leaves out the door as I thank her.
I sigh out then, tapping my foot against the exam table.
"Well I guess it's out of our hands", I put my head in my hands then.
"Yep", He sighs out and I move my hands from over my eyes for just a second to see him sitting nervously. He was sitting in a small chair, his tall frame looking much too large in it as he runs his hands through his hair. Finally I see it, that he's just as scared as me.
We sit like that for awhile, I think both of us too in our own heads, having too much panic ourselves, to even say anything to each other.
I've still got my head in my hands, just about falling asleep, still feeling petty nauseas and hoping I don't throw up while I'm here.
He surprises me when his hand rests on my knee and I jump at his touch and then look up at him, seeing a soft expression on his face.
But then the door opens again and we quickly part.
I sit up straight as Dr. Thomas comes back in.
"Okay well… usually I would come in and say congratulations. But… I know I'm going to be telling you what you probably don't want to hear", She looks at me sympathetically.
"I'm pregnant?", I confirm, saying it more like it's a statement than a question because of course I already knew.
"Yes, and from the looks of it, you're about 6 weeks along which seems to align with your conception date… when was your last period Casey?", She sits down at her desk then, ready to type into her computer, I assume having my file up.
"August 8th", I croak out, still kind of in shock right now.
"Yes, the dates line up, my guess is you were ovulating on the 20th and then of course, you missed your period this month. And from your blood we can see heightened levels of the HCG hormone showing that you're in the 6 week range", She explains. "If my calculations are correct, you're 5 weeks and 5 days".
She looks off, thinking to herself for a moment.
"Your last period and your conception dates would put your due date at... around May 14th", She looks from me to Cappie.
"Okay", I say in a sob as I start to cry, face becoming hot as I can't help the way my body starts to wrack with tears.
I feel embarrassed now, embarrassed that I'm crying in front of this woman I just met.
"Sorry, I don't know why I'm crying so much", I shake my head as I can't stop the sobs. "I knew it was gonna be positive, I just kept hoping…"
I can't even finish my sentence as I'm unable to even get words out.
Cappie scoots his chair over to me, still holding my purse and my clothes in his lap.
"Hey it's okay Case", He says quietly, rubbing his hand up and down my back, trying to comfort me.
"It's perfectly fine to cry Casey. We see tears all the time in here, trust me", She looks at me with empathy.
"Yeah but… they're probably crying out of happiness", I throw my hands up. "Not because they're 20 and have no idea what they're going to do!"
"Yes… that's true but… you have options hun", She assures me. "Let's go through them, would that make you feel better?"
"Yeah I guess", I shrug. "I don't… I don't know".
I stammer out my words, trying to pull myself together since this was not something I wanted to do, be vulnerable in front of a total stranger like this. If I was going to cry like this I'd much rather do it alone.
"Well you have three options to go from here. The first one, is of course ending the pregnancy, which we can do here with a fairly simple procedure under a bit of sedation. You'd go home the same day, you'd just need someone to drive you home and stay with you for a few hours. You'd have mild to moderate cramping and bleeding for a few days", She explains and I nod. "Then of course there's having the baby. Which would give you two options; adoption or keeping your baby".
"Okay", I nod.
She turns to grab some pamphlets from her desk.
"We have a great adoption network we set people up with if you decide to go that route", She explains and hands the pamphlets to me as Cappie looks over at them too.
I look down at the titles.
Abortion: What To Expect, Young Parenthood, and Giving The Gift of Adoption.
"Dr. Thomas….", I look at her. "What would you do if it was you? Or… what would you tell your daughter to do?"
I ask her then with a shrug.
"Honey I think the only one that can answer that question is you. Every person is different. I really wouldn't want to steer you one way or the other. I just want you to know that you have a choice, and it's your choice to make", she gives me a smile. "I think a lot of it depends on the support you have and on what you're hoping for your future to look like".
"I… have some support I guess", I shrug and then look over to Cappie beside me. "And I don't… I don't even know what I want in my future anymore, I'm only 20".
I sigh then.
"I know this is one of the hardest things to go through", She nods. "But since you are pregnant, I'm going to need to go through the rest of the appointment with you. It's standard whether you decide to carry through with the pregnancy or not".
"Okay", I nod, sniffling.
"So we're just going to do a quick pap smear, do a swab to check for abnormal cells and stds, which is standard. Then I'm going to check your cervix", She explains. "And then I'm going to do a transvaginal ultrasound, have you had one of those before?"
"No", I shake my head.
"They're a little uncomfortable for some women but it's the only way to see a fetus this early on. I just want to get a look, make sure it's looking on track for 6 weeks. Even if we book you in for an abortion we like to check through ultrasound first to look in your uterus", she explains.
"Okay, sounds good", I nod.
"Alright so we'll get started with the exam… are you okay if your friend here is in the room?", She asks me and I look over to Cappie awkwardly.
"Whatever you want Case", he shrugs nervously.
"Yeah you can stay", I nod, honest to god not wanting him to leave this room because he was the only familiar thing here right now. His hand resting on mine was the only thing comforting me.
"Alright so if you could just lay down here, and put your feet up in the stirrups", She says and I do as she instructs me, moving my body to get into the position she wants me in. "Okay great and just scoot your butt down here, alright perfect".
She moves then to grab a metal contraption I see out of the corner of my eye.
"Alright this might hurt a bit, I'm just adding some basic lubrication to make it easier to go in", she explains and I look awkwardly over to Cappie beside me, never in a million years having thought I'd be here with him like this.
I nod up and down and brace myself for whatever was about to happen.
"Ow", I let out in a wince as I feel her insert the speculum.
I can see the worried look on Cappie's face as I grip his hand in pain, him probably knowing next to nothing about anything girl parts related. His only education on that front was seeing as many as he possibly could.
"Alright quick swap here", she says and I feel something poking me uncomfortably. "Alright done. Good job Casey".
She takes it out then, and I feel relief.
"And now I'm just going to insert my fingers, just to check your cervix", She tells me what she's doing and I nod.
It hurts, her poking around in me. For some reason when you're not turned on, having stuff like this done to you just hurts like crazy. Especially with her going up so far.
"Okay your cervix is a good length", she pulls her fingers out and I sigh out in relief. "Now I'm going to do the ultrasound".
She wheels over more to where my head is to talk to me.
"Now hun, the fetus is going to come up on the screen, most of the time the woman wants to see it. But I just want to run it by you… we can do this without showing you at all if that's what you'd rather do?", She asks me and my heart pounds, not really knowing what to do. "No pressure".
"Um…", I look over to Cappie then.
"It's up to you Case", he nods, letting me make the final decision.
"No it's… it's okay. I don't mind seeing it", I shrug with a nod, as if this isn't one of the most terrifying things I've ever done.
"Alright", She smiles. "I'm just going to grab the probe here".
Out of the corner of my eye I see her pick it up and I sit up slightly, propping up with my legs still up in the stirrups.
"Wait that's… that's going inside me?", I feel worried then at how huge this ultrasound thing is.
"Yes, but don't worry. It'll be fairly quick. It might be uncomfortable for just a short period of time depending on your size, your muscles, and other factors", She explains.
"Okay", I nod, gulping and then laying back down.
"Hey just… just look at me while it's happening. It's gonna be over soon Case", Cappie says, I can tell trying his best to be of help.
I nod up and down then and just keep my eyes on his.
I groan out then, moving my body in reaction as soon as I feel the ultrasound probe.
"Okay it's in Casey, I'm just going to look around here, try to find the fetus", she says, moving it around in uncomfortable motions. "Now it's too early to hear the heartbeat, that's easier to hear more around 8 weeks but… oh here we go!"
She clicks a button on the ultrasound machine, freezing the image.
"Here's the fetus right here, would you like to see it?"
"Yeah okay", I nod tentatively and sit up, Cappie helping me prop up.
She points to a teeny tiny dot on the screen then.
"There's the start of the baby, it's extremely small at this point. But even small you're probably experiencing many of the symptoms of the beginning stages of pregnancy", she says.
"That's it?", I stare at it in awe. "It looks… it looks like a tiny jellybean or something".
I laugh then, not really having expected to see it today. Not knowing I was going to see visual proof of it.
"Yes, it's in the yolk sac here, it looks perfectly normal. It's in the right position for a 6 week fetus. Week by week it'll grow more and more if you continue to with this pregnancy", she explains. "I'll have a photo for the two of you. Only if you'd like to take one home of course".
"Okay", I nod, feeling like my heart is in my stomach.
I lay back again now as she takes the probe out.
"Alright Casey, I'll leave you to clean up. There's paper towels to wipe up and you can put your gown in the bin and get dressed", she says. "Would you like to book another appointment today or do you still need time to think about your next steps?"
"Um… I'm still deciding. But I'll call as soon as I make a decision. Can I get an appointment for the abortion procedure fairly quickly?"
"Yes for sure, we can book you in for the same week if you decide to go that way. This whole week we have openings", She nods.
"Okay thanks. I'll… I'll decide soon. I know I don't have a lot of time", I nod up and down, not wanting her to think I'm completely irresponsible. Even if I was here pregnant at 20 years old.
"Of course Casey. And we're here for you to talk to. We also have some amazing counsellors we can put you in touch with. I can only imagine how hard this decision would be", She nods.
"Yeah it really is", I sigh. "Thank you for seeing me today".
"Of course hun. It was great to meet you guys. Alicia at the front will have the photo printed out for you if you'd like to take it with you".
"Yeah thank you", Cappie chimes in and she gives us one last content smile and then leaves out the door.
I sit up then, just sitting frozen.
"Cap what are we going to do?", I pose the question, just feeling completely at a loss.
"We'll do whatever you want to", He puts his hand on mine and gives me a reassuring look.
"Okay", I sigh out, appreciating him right now, appreciating that he pushed me to allow him to be here.
Because honestly if I was here alone I don't know how I'd even get out of here and back home.
I spend the rest of the day trying to go on as usual. I insist that Cappie drop me off as close to the building where my next class is on campus, since I'd already missed one to go to the appointment this morning.
I'm sure Cappie didn't care much about missing class, but I still did. Even if I had this insane thing hanging over my head, I wasn't going to let my studies suffer if I could help it.
I told him I'd talk to him later. I knew I was going to have to really make a decision. In fact, I vowed to do it before tomorrow morning so that I could get up and either call and book an abortion procedure or call and set up some appointments to come in over the next few months to monitor the pregnancy and get on prenatal vitamins.
When I walk out of my class I see a face that I didn't exactly want to see right now. He takes me by surprise.
"So you are still alive", Evan stands, annoyed and leaning against the wall outside the building as all of us students file out.
"Hi", I croak out.
"So… can you just tell me already? Are we done?", He asks me seriously.
"Evan", I sigh, rolling my eyes back.
"I need to know Casey!", he's angry, I can tell.
"Why?!", I snide. "So you can go move on to Rebecca?"
"Jesus Christ! I made one mistake Casey! One!", He rolls his eyes, practically yelling at me in the middle of campus right now. "And then you went and fucked your ex boyfriend!"
"Keep it down!", I insist, seeing that he's starting to get out of control.
"Right, I would be embarrassed if I were you too", He scoffs bitterly. "Letting that idiot touch you again".
I roll my eyes at him.
"You'll let him touch you but not me?", He gives me a huff. "We haven't even done anything more than a few kisses since last year!"
"So let me get this straight, you decide to seek me out by bombarding me after my class to complain that you're not getting sex from me?!", I put my hands on my hips.
"No! I'm here because I need to know why you're pulling away from me!", He argues.
"I need some time. And I don't… I don't want to have sex right now okay? Not for awhile actually", I tell him.
"You don't want to have sex right now, period? Or you don't want to have sex right now with me?", He tries to get me to clarify. "If he called, would you run to him? What, is it just that good?"
"I'm not talking about this with you Evan!", I groan and then stalk away from him angrily but I can tell he's following me.
I turn around then to face him, stopping him in his tracks.
"I need to go to the library before my next class so I'll see you tomorrow night… the ZBZs are throwing a pledge presents party with the Omega Chis so you'll be coming over right?", I confirm with him.
"Yeah", he nods, still annoyed.
"Okay well then I'll see you then. I just really have to… focus on school this year. It's my junior year already so... my grades matter", I shrug.
"Sure. Any excuse right?", He groans and we stare at each other in silence for a moment.
"I've gotta go", I shake my head and turn around, happy that he's not following me this time.
When I get home that night me and Ash have dinner like usual with the rest of the girls and then there's a viewing party of The Bachelor since it's Monday night. I sit through it, but am barely paying attention.
Ash nudges my shoulder as we sit with the other girls.
"Hey Case, I have to go to the washroom", She gives me a look, a girl code look I knew well.
"Okay let's go", I nod, knowing this is her way of trying to get me alone to talk.
We go into the kitchen and Ash looks all around, making sure no one is around and then shuts the door.
"Okay so… how did it go?", She looks interested.
"Well they confirmed it", I sigh with a nod.
"Oh my god…. Some part of me still thought that maybe this was just some crazy joke that wouldn't turn out to actually be happening", Ash looks like she's in disbelief.
"Yeah tell me about it", I scoff. "My life is beyond screwed up right now Ash".
"I'm sorry", She frowns.
I shrug then, knowing it's not her fault. It's me and Cappie's.
"I uh… I got a photo of it", I say hesitantly.
"Really? There's actually something there to take a photo of already?", Ash looks surprised.
"Yeah", I can't help the way I let out a laugh, still in disbelief of it myself. "It's like a tiny bean but… it's there. I didn't hear the heartbeat but she said I probably could next time. If there… is a next time".
I look down to the floor then.
"That's insane! How did… Cappie take it?"
"Fine I guess, I think we both already knew it was happening. He's being really supportive of whatever I decide to choose so...", I sigh.
"And what do you want to choose?", Ash asks tentatively.
"I honestly just want this whole thing to end, to… go away", I feel a tear drip down my cheek then, getting emotional now and Ash frowns at me empathetically and then comes over to hug me.
"Aw Case", She cooes, hugging me tightly.
"Let's just... go back out with the girls. I don't want them to get suspicious. I'm already acting really strange as it is", I groan.
"Don't worry, I just told them that you're sick. Plus... I know that they understand Evan cheating on you is really hard. So if you're not super cheery all the time, that could explain it", She shrugs.
"Yeah you're right", I nod. "Just another sad development in what's been the worst month of my entire life".
"It's gonna be okay", Ash tries to comfort me and I give her an appreciative smile.
"Okay Ash", I nod, but I don't really believe it.
It's that night that I finally make the decision. I get ready for bed, barely thinking about what I'm doing, my mind so preoccupied. Before I get into bed I reach into my purse to look at the ultrasound photo that they'd printed out for me.
"I'm sorry that I'll never get to know you", I whisper quietly as a tear rolls down my cheek.
Ash was already asleep so I was all alone, just looking at the ultrasound photo in the light of my flashlight I kept beside my bed.
I put the photo back into my purse and then finally lay down, looking down at my completely flat stomach as I touch it hesitantly.
I had said it before to Ash. What I really wanted was for this whole thing to go away. So that was what I was going to do. Make it go away.
I'd tell Cap tomorrow, I wanted to do it in person. I owed him that much.
I arrive to the Kappa Tau house the next day, in the afternoon. Cappie had texted me that morning asking me how I was and I told him I'd come over after class.
I knock on the door and wait awhile for someone to answer.
"Casey", the door opens and I see Beaver, who immediately gives me a suggestive smirk when he sees it's me. "You looking for Cappie? If you want to get busy, we're classy guys, we'll all ignore the way you scream out his name, don't worry".
I roll my eyes at him.
"Beaver, can you just tell me if Cappie's here?", I give him a cross of my arms.
"Yeah he's in his room, you can go on up", he grins stupidly. "He'll be happy it's you".
"Thanks", I nod and take a deep breath, feeling anxious about having this conversation with him since I woke up this morning.
I start to walk to the stairs then when I hear Beaver's voice.
"Use protection!", He shouts out to me and some of the other KT guys start to snicker as they high five each other.
I roll my eyes and continue on upstairs.
Too late, I think to myself.
"Cap it's me", I say, knocking on his door.
I hear immediate movement then coming from behind his door.
He opens the door for me then, his face looking a little bit entranced when he sees me, serious, not his usual smirking look.
"Hey Case", he nods. "How're you feeling?"
"Um…. Okay, thanks", I nod. "I mean… nauseas and stuff but that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about".
"Okay", He nods and then shuts the door behind me and then turns to give me his full attention.
"So… as you know I've been really struggling with what to do. But… last night I finally decided…", His eyes search mine sort of frantically then, like he's waiting on the edge of his seat for my answer. "I'm not gonna have it".
The look on his face, the way his smile falls a little bit, makes my heart instantly feel like it's shattering into pieces.
"Oh okay", He nods. "Well that… makes sense so…"
He gives me a slight shrug then as he nods up and down.
"Yeah…. it does right? I want you to know I'm doing this for both of us Cap", I say. "You don't want your life to change".
I gesture around to his room, in this house, which represented never growing up, represented only having fun.
"And I don't want anything to change either so", I shrug awkwardly. "It's just what makes the most sense, for the both of us. Having it would be… crazy".
I shake my head then with a sigh.
"Yeah… I guess it would. Well I'll take you, whatever day you decide to book it", He nods, looking pretty void of any emotion, good or bad.
"Thanks", I nod. "If you can't, Ashleigh can. But I uh… I thought maybe you could take me and then bring me back here to your room for a bit while I recover. Just because the girls at ZBZ might think somethings up".
"Yeah you got it", he agrees. "Well… I guess just let me know when it is and after that we can go back to our usual relationship".
"Our usual relationship?", I question him.
"Where in which we pretty much have none", Cap scoffs as he shakes his head, looking a little more bitter than I'd expected for a 20 year old guy who just found out he was going to be off the hook for becoming a dad.
"I'm... I'm sorry Cap", I look down awkwardly.
"Don't apologize, you didn't… you didn't do anything", he shrugs.
"Well I hurt you… with Evan. And then ignored you for basically a whole year", I groan, kind of regretting it because Evan hasn't turned out to be any saint. "Maybe this whole thing happening between us… maybe it's what needed to happen to lead us to actually becoming friends?"
I suggest this to him then, searching through his blue eyes to see how he feels about that.
"Yeah… I'd like that Case", He purses his lips together, his dimples showing as he gives me a small smile.
"So… friends then?", I put my hand out to him.
He looks down at it for a moment and then decides to shake it.
Him holding onto my hand shouldn't feel this nice, shouldn't remind me of the way he'd held certain other parts of my body a million times before.
"Friends", he nods. "Friends who accompany each other to their abortions…"
He scoffs then and I laugh at the sad humour of this.
"Abortions that they are having because of said friend's lack of pull out game", I giggle then, teasing him.
"Hey! What was I supposed to do?", He laughs. "Your legs were wrapped around my waist like you were holding on for dear life".
I think to myself then, blushing a bit.
"True", I nod as I let out a shy laugh, kind of embarrassed. "Well, I guess I'll call the clinic, see what they have available and I'll text you the day".
"Yep, I'll be there", he confirms.
I give him a smile then and nod my head, walking over to his door to open it.
"Hey um…", He touches my arm to stop me from leaving and I turn back to face him, his body really close to mine now as I stare up at him, feeling that electricity between us. "If it's okay… can I get a copy of that ultrasound photo?"
He's looking at me like this is hard to ask, but I can tell he's being sincere.
I feel like crying then at the fact that he wants to keep the photo, at the fact that he doesn't want to just erase this and pretend like this whole thing never happened. That we never happened.
"Yeah", I nod, my voice cracking with emotion I try to suppress. "Sure. I have it in my purse here".
I pull it out then and hand it to him.
He looks down at it, at the little jellybean that they'd circled so we can easily see it.
"Thanks", he gives me an awkward nod.
"Actually... wait Cap", I stop him, taking his hand and pulling the picture out of it.
"I want to keep it actually", I say then, surprising myself. "I thought I'd be okay just throwing it out or… giving it to you. But I kind of want to keep it so, I'll bring you over a copy if that's okay?"
"Okay yeah, no problem. Thanks Case", he nods and we stand there awkwardly for a moment, my eyes wet with tears now but I really didn't want him to know that.
"Um… I should get going. There's this ZBZ Omega Chi thing that I have to help plan and… and they're gonna wonder where I am so…", I ramble on, looking for any excuse to get out of his room so I don't break down crying in front of him.
"Yeah okay. Wouldn't want to keep them waiting", he nods up and down and then opens his door for me.
"Yeah", I nod awkwardly, full well knowing he's thinking about the fact that I'm going to go see Evan right now. "Bye Cap. See you around".
"Okay… around it is", He nods and gives me a quick curt smile and I make my way out of his room and down the stairs. I'm rushing out of the house as fast as I can so none of the guys can tell how upset I am, can see that my face is red, bracing for tears.
I feel like I've been punched in the stomach, like all the air has been taken out of my lungs.
Before I'd seen him today I'd felt relieved actually. Relieved that I could just pretend I wasn't pregnant until I get the procedure and then afterwards act like this had never happened at all.
But it had happened. I can't rewrite history. And it didn't seem like Cap wanted to forget.
And the fact that I now walk down Greek Row clutching onto the ultrasound photo like it's a hundred dollar bill… well maybe I didn't want to forget either.