It was the night before my abortion apportionment. I'd booked it pretty quickly, literally got in for two days after I'd made the decision not to have it. I worried if I waited any longer I'd lose my courage and not be able to do it.
But the thing was… it was the night before now and I really didn't feel like I could do it. Even though the past 48 hours it seemed like a no brainer. Like going to get a root canal, or… going to get my appendix out. Just something I had to do and then it'd be over and done with and the thing that had to go would be gone.
But now, knowing that it's only hours away, I was panicked. Because this was all very real, it wasn't just a way to get my old life back. It was a decision I was going to have to to live with forever.
"Case why are you pacing around the room?", Ash gives me a look. "I thought you told me you were relieved about your decision?"
"I was…", I sigh. "At the time, at least. But now I don't know Ash. Doing this tomorrow… I can't take it back and I don't… I don't know if it's a mistake".
I stop pacing and then sit down on my bed nervously.
"You think that getting rid of it would be a mistake?", She asks, seeming surprised at me. "I thought you were going to pretend it never happened? You said you wanted to focus on the sorority, on maybe becoming president soon, on… on Evan and school and-"
"I don't know anymore Ash!", I cut her off. "That's the truth, I don't know about anything anymore! Maybe… maybe I've been caring about all the wrong things this past year".
"What does that mean?", She looks at me quizzically then and I sulk.
"Like… Evan cheated on me. Frannie, who is supposed to be my friend, pushed me back to him just because he's a Chambers and an Omega Chi… ", I sigh. "And the sorority… well I love the girls but maybe being president isn't all that important anyway, not if it means staying with someone who will happily cheat on me without telling me, letting me find out from my little brother! And not if it means having Frannie telling me who I can and can't be with like she did freshman year!"
I end my impassioned speech then as I throw up my hands.
Ash just looks at me in shock.
"Wow… so… you want to dump Evan and what? Raise a baby with Cappie?", Her eyebrow raises.
"I don't know", I groan. "Maybe not… but… I just think I'm doing this abortion tomorrow for all the wrong reasons. Actually… I don't think I am, I know I am".
"What do you mean?"
"I mean… the reason I want to get this… fetus… out of me and move on so quickly is because… because it will let me keep dating an Omega Chi and let me keep being the eventual heir to Frannie's throne", I explain. "And also… so I can… pretend like I never even slept with Cappie".
I look down then.
"I'm ashamed to say this Ash... but… I wasn't even thinking about the best thing for this baby when I made the decision", I shake my head, feeling a little ashamed. "I was just thinking about me. And maybe that's wrong".
"Having an abortion isn't wrong", Ash shrugs.
"No I know it's not", I agree with her. "I'm totally pro choice… I just don't know if it's the right choice for me".
"Well… maybe you need to think about it longer? Maybe talk to Cappie more?", She suggests.
"I don't know", I feel tears come to my eyes then. "Maybe I'll sleep on it. See if I feel the same way in the morning. Maybe… maybe it is still the right thing to do. All I know is… I need to start making my own decisions for me. Not for what's going to further me here at ZBZ or what will allow me to keep dating Evan".
Ash gives me a smile then.
"I'm proud of you Case", She hugs me. "Because you're right".
"I am?", I croak out.
"Yeah! I mean… I didn't say anything but I thought you should've broken up with Evan as soon as you found out he cheated. I just didn't want to speak out of place and… try and sway you because… I honestly thought you were staying with him because you love him", She shrugs. "But… that's not the case is it?"
I look down for awhile, not speaking. But finally I let out a sigh and look back up to Ash's eyes.
"I don't think I do. Obviously I like him but…", I let a tear out then. "When I found out he cheated I was hurt. But I was more upset about how it would effect me in the sorority world. Not about Evan actually sleeping with someone else. And how stupid is that?"
"So you aren't in love with him?"
"I like him a lot Ash. But… this whole thing has made me realize that I'm not in love with him. Not how I should be", I say. "And it's been almost a year together… I should feel…"
"Feel what?", She raises her eyebrow.
"I should feel fireworks!", I throw up my hands. "Goosebumps! That feeling of just wanting to be with them all the time, that feeling when… they make you so insane that you could literally rip your hair out sometimes! Like… you wish didn't feel it, you wish you could turn it all off and not be in love, because sometimes it's just too overwhelming. Like... you physically can't help it, it's like your body decides for you, your mind having no choice on the matter. That's love, isn't it?"
I'm genuinely asking her. Because maybe I didn't know… I was only 20 and I was just feeling confused as ever right now.
"Well… you should know what you're like when you're in love", Ash gives me a suggestive smile. "Since… you were… at one point".
I don't say anything, I just overt my gaze from her like I'm hiding.
"You've only ever been in love with one person. You know that and I know that", She looks at me sternly. "And now you have his baby inside you and it's making it hard to have this procedure".
She gestures down to my still flat stomach as she speaks.
"Exactly", I croak out, some more tears running down my cheeks. "Ash I wish I could just choose how I feel… I wish my head would trump over my heart… because if it could…"
"If it could then you wouldn't be in love with a scruffy, rowdy, womanizing frat guy?", Ash laughs as she finishes my sentence, giving me a look.
She's smiling though, I think a little happy to see me finally admit this.
"Yeah!", I throw up my hands and then start to cry.
"Aw Case", She frowns and moves closer to me as she runs her hand along my back. "Well if you want to have it… I'll be the best aunt and godmother I can possibly be".
l laugh through my tears then and give her a smile.
"Okay… thanks Ash", I nod.
"You're welcome", she grins.
"Well I guess we should get some sleep. Then I'll… I'll decide whether to go through with it in the morning".
"Okay", She nods and gets up off my bed. "Either way you decide… it'll all be okay Case".
"Thanks", I say quietly, getting up to get under my covers. "Night Ash".
"Goodnight!", Ash turns off the lamp between us and we're left in the darkness.
At 2:30 in the morning I still can't sleep. Instead I just lay there feeling like I'm in a panic. I can't help the steady stream of tears that have been coming down my face, sobbing quietly to myself ever since Ashleigh went to sleep.
I decide to finally just give in. I needed someone right now. I couldn't do this by myself anymore, it was way too much to handle.
I get out of bed then, taking my phone with me and going to the washroom, closing the door so I can call him.
"Casey?", I hear his raspy voice on the other the end. I could tell I've woken him up.
"Hi", my sobbing intensifies immediately, only able to say the one word before all that he can hear on the phone is me crying.
"You're crying? What's going on? Are you at ZBZ?", He fires out 3 quick questions, seeming like I have him in a panic.
"Yeah I'm at ZBZ", I get out.
"I'll be there in 5 minutes", He says sternly. "Just… hang tight".
"Okay", I nod and we both hang up, I'm sure him just wanting to get off the phone and get here as soon as possible.
I go downstairs to wait for him, looking out the window, wearing my nightgown and a cardigan over it.
It really is just 5 minutes later when I see him walk up to the ZBZ lawn, wearing jeans and a leather jacket, walking quickly.
I open the door then and go outside quietly, meeting him on the lawn.
"Case, what's wro-", he starts his sentence but doesn't finish it because I just run into his arms, falling into him.
He stands in shock for a moment but then I feel his arms wrap around me as I sob into his chest.
"I can't do it Cap", I let out between cries. "I'm sorry".
"Here, don't be sorry. Shh", He runs his hand down the back of my head, through my hair, trying to comfort me. "It's okay".
I keep crying against him for what feels like minutes but probably isn't even a full 30 seconds before he says something else.
"Want to come back to my place? We can talk?"
"Yeah okay", I pull away from him then, nodding.
"Okay", He nods up and down, a little unsure of what to do right now I think.
We start to walk the short walk to KT again, just like a few nights ago when I told him I was pregnant.
"I know this probably isn't what you want Cap", I break the silence, wiping the tears from my eyes, but needing to say this, needing to be brave.
"What?", He looks over to me, standing still, so I stop walking too.
"The baby… I'm not going to ask you for anything… at all", I assure him, looking into his eyes seriously as I speak. "I just… I just can't have the abortion".
"It's okay, and you don't have to ask me for anything…", He assures me. "You don't have to ask because I'm going to be here anyways. I promise".
"Okay", I nod, unable to help how that makes me smile a bit, my eyes still wet, my cheeks tear stained.
We reach the KT house and slip in quietly. It was a week night so it was actually a bit quieter here, not as crazy as it was right after a party.
We go up the stairs, back to Cappie's room where I feel like I've been basically every day at this point. After only seeing each other sporadically for the past year, it was weird that he was back in my life now. That I'd been forced to let him back in. And I'm sure he felt that way too. It's not like we were here together in his room right now on our own accord.
I sit down on his bed and he shuts the door.
"So…", He looks to me. "We're gonna have the baby then?"
"Yeah I'm gonna have it", I sigh, just saying it aloud sounding crazy. "I could still give it up for adoption though. But I can't… I can't get rid of it".
"Okay", He takes this in, looking at me softly and I can see the gears turning in his mind.
"So I guess… I guess I'm gonna get huge", I nod, taking this in just like he is. "And I'm gonna… probably have to leave the sorority. And maybe leave school…. Maybe leave Cyprus".
I sigh then, knowing that getting rid of it would be a lot easier. But it didn't mean that it was what I wanted.
He sits down beside me on the bed then, moving a little hesitantly, I think not knowing what to say to make this better.
So instead he just reaches over, resting his hand on my bare thigh and looking over to me.
"Cap…", I decide to ask him about what I'd been thinking about, the question that had been swimming around my brain for two days since I was last in this room. "Why… why did you want a copy of the ultrasound photo?"
I look at him curiously and he breathes out, I think trying to come clean with me.
"I guess I just didn't want to forget that it happened", He shrugs. "Because… I felt like that's what was going to happen. You were going to go back to Evan and I was going to… go back to whatever girl of the week I meet. I guess what I'm saying is… I just wanted to know that this could've happened between us. I… I have this box of stuff in my closet, tucked away, it has some old photos of us and things from when we dated. I was going to keep it in here".
I can't help the way the sides of my lips turn into a bit of a smile then, blushing.
"Really?", I confirm, a little surprised at this.
"You don't have to look so surprised", He scoffs, giving me a look, I think taking offence that I think so little of him to think that he'd care about anything beyond surface level stuff. Stuff like beer, parties, girls, weed, strip clubs…. Everything KT.
"I'm not… I just…. it surprised me that you wanted to keep the photo. And then it surprised me even more that I wanted to keep the photo too", I sigh. "And that's… that's kind of when I knew I couldn't bury this, couldn't make things go back to the way they were no matter how much easier it would be".
"Well… maybe things shouldn't go back to the way they were", He speaks softly, shrugging.
"Well I definitely don't think they can now", I laugh and shake my head, the craziness of this almost funny to me.
"What… what are you going to tell Evan?", He speaks tentatively.
"The truth", I say with a sigh. "I mean… I'm just going to break up with him, I'm not going to tell him about the baby right now, I'm not ready to tell anyone yet. But eventually he'll know, and that means he'll also know…"
"That it's mine?", He confirms.
I nod up and down as I look in his eyes.
"Well", he scoffs as he shrugs. "As soon as you start showing and people figure it out they'll probably think it's Chambers'".
"Yeah maybe but… I'll make sure to leave him out of it. And I'm sure he'll make sure people know it's not his", I roll my eyes, thinking about Evan.
"Well we'll just be upfront about it when the time comes. I'll… I'll tell people it's mine if you're okay with people knowing that", Cappie shrugs like it's no big deal. "I mean most people know that… you and I dated once".
"Yeah it's a lot easier for you though Cap. The guys at KT won't judge you. I'll be the laughing stock of ZBZ and I'm sure they'll make sure I get kicked out. Frannie has Teagan on speed dial", I groan then, looking down.
"Your real sisters will stick by your side through this Case. And if they're don't… then they weren't good sisters to begin with", He offers a different perspective for me.
I look up to meet his eyes.
"I guess you're right", I nod slowly. "Unless… unless I just take next semester off, go home to Chicago and have the baby, then give it up for adoption".
I shrug, thinking about that option.
"Then no one would know, and I could come back to ZBZ next year and just graduate a semester late", I think to myself.
"Yeah if… if that's what you want", he nods. "I would… I would come see you there and be there when it's born, if you're okay with that obviously".
I give him a smile then.
"Yeah I'm okay with that", I nod.
"Okay good", He returns the way I look at him softly with a grin and a lick of his lips.
"I'll see… I might not even be able to give it up… all I know is that I can't… not have it", I set on that decision, finally showing some decisiveness in my life. "I want to start… making decisions for me, not just for the sorority and Evan".
"Which means?", He raises an eyebrow, looking at me quizzically.
"Which means, I'm not going to stay with someone who cheats on me", I sigh. "And I'm going to try to do what's best for this baby, do right by it, even if it means giving up my body to do so".
"Well good… you deserve way better than some guy who cheats on you Case", Cappie looks at me sternly. "And… I'm glad that you're doing what feels right for you. To be completely honest… I uh… I kinda wanted you to have it too".
He looks a little shy then, not meeting my gaze.
"Really?", I'm a little surprised at that. "… Why Cap?"
"I don't know, I just…", He sighs out deeply like this next part is going to be hard for him to get out. "That night you and me did what we did for a lot of reasons, obviously, and… maybe only I felt this way, but there was real emotion, real feelings during it. This baby wasn't because of some drunk hookup between complete strangers or… because of rape or something like that. It was made with… love. And I'm not saying that you and me love each other, hell we barely even like each other half the time, but…"
He shakes his head like he's worried he's said too much, worried he's outed himself maybe.
"I know what you mean Cap", I immediately say, wanting him to know he wasn't alone in how he felt. "I'm pregnant because you and me… loved each other once… and that night we were acting off of old feelings. This… baby… is a product of two people that once found some odd way to love each other".
I scoff then, this sounding crazy coming out of my mouth, finally letting myself say the word 'baby'.
"Exactly", He nods at me, a soft smile on his face. "Well then… I guess this means that we've got to start figuring out a lot of stuff Case".
"Yeah I know", I feel a pang of fear. "I have to… book appointments for the next few months and get on prenatal vitamins. And actually making sure I start eating enough even through being so sick like I've been. I have to start getting things together for it. For the jellybean".
He looks over to me then with a slight laugh.
"That's a good name for it", he nods.
"I'll also copy that ultrasound photo for you too", I assure him. "Since… you want to be involved?"
"Yeah of course I want to be involved. Seriously Case. Every step of the way", I can tell he's doing his absolute best to assure me of this.
And I can't lie, he's doing a pretty good job.
"Okay", I nod sheepishly, really trying to hide how happy that makes me.
"Whether we raise it together or whether you want to give it up… I'll be on your side the whole time, I swear", He speaks seriously to me.
"Thanks", I croak out and start to cry a bit again.
But this time his arms pull me into him. And they don't hesitate like earlier tonight on the ZBZ lawn, they just envelope me. He smells like he always does, that typical scent of his cologne, very Cappie like. Familiar and comforting to me.
And for the first time since I saw all those positive tests, I finally feel a bit more in control of the situation. And a good deal of that had to do with the fact that his arms were around me, telling me I wasn't going to be doing this all alone.
I spent the night at Cappie's again, which… probably wasn't that great of an idea. Mostly because we shouldn't get used to this, especially me. I can't get used to leaning on Cappie for support like I have been the past 5 days.
When I wake up in the morning he's already awake, staring at me.
"Oh!", I'm startled slightly. "Hey Cap…"
"Sorry, I'm totally pulling a Jeremy aren't I?", Cappie reacts to my slight surprise at seeing him beside me in his bed.
"It's okay", I laugh, coming to, realizing what's going on, that my abortion appointment was in an hour and I wouldn't be there. That I wasn't home at ZBZ, I wasn't waking up beside Ash. I was in Cappie's bed and waking up beside him. At least we both had clothes on. That's better than when I woke up here that morning during rush.
"So uh… you're still one hundred percent about what you decided last night right? We should probably call and cancel if you are", he speaks seriously now.
"Yeah you're right", I nod. "And yes… still sure. I better text Ash too, she's gonna have no idea where I am".
He nods.
"Thanks for… being here for me last night. You're still… okay with everything you said?", I speak hesitantly.
I confirm with him, because things seemed a little bit too good to be true right now when I knew responsibility was never something Cap took to.
"If this is your way of asking if I still want to be involved in your pregnancy, the answers a yes", He smiles slightly slyly, seeing right through me obviously. "If we keep the baby I want to be involved in its life. And I want to be involved in yours too… if you'll let me. As friends of course".
"That would be really nice Cap", I nod, smiling contently as my dimples show.
"Well… since I guess we shouldn't be seen together… we'll have to just meet in secret when it comes to talking about the… baby", He shrugs.
"You're right, yeah", I nod awkwardly and we lay there for a second before I speak again. "I'm… gonna break up with Evan today".
"Oh yeah?", he looks a little taken aback. "I knew you said that last night but I wasn't sure…"
He trails off.
"No, it's time. It was never going to work out, especially not now", I sigh.
Cap can't help how me smiles smugly then.
"It's okay", I roll my eyes. "You can jump for joy Cap, go ahead".
He grins at me then.
I sit up in his bed now. I'd worn my pajamas over here so walking home now in the light of day is gonna be a little awkward.
"I'm gonna call the clinic", I sigh and then open my cellphone to tell them that I won't be coming in for my procedure today.
"Hi, yes it's Casey Cartwright", I speak a little shakily when they answer the phone. "I'm supposed to have an abortion procedure this morning… and I just want to cancel it. I'm so sorry about the short notice, I can pay a cancellation fee if I need to".
"It's alright, we don't charge cancellation fees for abortion procedures… we know it's a tough appointment. Take the time you need and if you want to come back in to book an appointment with one of our doctors or revisit termination, you're totally free to", The woman on the phone says and I can't help but sigh of relief.
"Thanks for being so understanding", I say and genuinely mean it. "I'll be in touch. Take care!"
"Take care hun!", She says and then we hang up.
"Well now that that's done… you want some breakfast?", Cappie asks.
"I would but… I'll probably just throw it up. Plus I have to get to class".
"Okay but make sure you eat something at least Case. Since you're… keeping the baby now", He speaks to me seriously.
I give him a look then, my brow furrowed, finding this all very odd. Odd that Cappie's lecturing me, odd that he actually cares about a baby inside me. And especially odd that we're here laying in his bed together as if like we haven't just spent the last year avoiding each other, hadn't had a mild hatred for each other for so long.
"Okay Cap", I nod. "Don't worry, I'll try to eat. It's a little easier later in the day. I'm going to… I'm going to do my best for this baby".
The word still feels odd, especially when I don't look pregnant at all, I don't look any different actually. If I didn't feel so awful I truly wouldn't even believe this was happening to me.
"Okay good well just text or call me if you wanna hangout", He gets out of bed then, following me as I grab my sweater from his chair, putting it on over my nightgown. "If you need to talk anymore about everything, I'm here. I know it's still really hard. And if you feel sick and you need anything…"
"I'll be fine Cap", I give him a soft smile. "I just… have to figure out some things. Starting with breaking up with Evan, then getting prenatals, looking online for a good OBGYN and booking some appointments there, researching adoption. Eventually…. telling my parents".
"I'll do some of that stuff too", Cap nods.
"What? You're also gonna break up with Evan?", I laugh, joking with him which amuses him as he smirks.
"I mean the googling stuff, the research stuff, that's what I'll be doing. And… eventually the telling my parents thing too", He speaks awkwardly, still a hint of a smirk on his face as he speaks though.
"You know how to google?", I give him a judging look.
"Well I'm not mentally challenged Case", He rolls his eyes and we laugh.
"Okay", I giggle.
There's still an air of awkwardness between us, I think both of us a little unsure how to act around each other now.
We weren't enemies anymore. I mean, not that we ever truly were, but we're not snide with each other like we have been most of the last year. But we're also not the us we were in freshman year.
"Well Cap", I sigh. "I'm going to get going… and hope that no one on Greek row thinks that I'm doing the walk of shame".
I gesture down to my nightgown, pink sweater, and flip flops combo of an outfit.
Not to mention I had no makeup on.
"Eh", He waves it off, jokingly. "You'll just blend in with the Tri Pis, don't worry".
I giggle, meeting his eyes for a moment as we laugh.
"Bye Cap. Talk to you… in a little bit okay?", I open his door and then stand in the doorway. "Until then… I'll see you around I guess".
"Around it is", He nods. "Uh, I'll walk you out".
He looks at me like that idea only just popped into his head, like he isn't used to doing it.
"Um okay, thanks", I nod and we walk down the hall of the upstairs together, walking down the stairs to get to the main floor.
As soon as we come out from the stairway, I immediately hear clapping.
"Woooo!", I see the KT guys all sitting down in the living room, cheering and clapping.
Beaver is doing a fairly graphic thrusting motion as I give him a grossed out look. The others just cheer Cappie on and give us suggestive smirks.
"Nothing happened", I hold up my hand sternly.
"Casey's right. We were just… studying, for a project", Cap nods awkwardly.
"That's literally the exact same excuse Casey gave us all during rush last month when she walked down here after you guys went at it all night", Wade points out with a laugh. "At least this time you guys were quiet when you did it!"
"C'mon Cap! Just say you're banging her again, it's alright, we're all adults here", Beaver grins.
"Are we Beav?", I put my hands on my hips and give him a glare.
"Me and Casey… aren't sleeping together so, please, no heckling her guys", Cappie tells them. "Presidential orders. Now… I'm gonna walk Case out".
The guys pipe down a bit when Cappie speaks to them seriously, probably one of the few times they've seen Cappie be serious about anything really.
"Thanks", I sigh as we reach the front door. "I guess I'll see you later Cap".
"Alright, bye Case. Have fun at class", He nods, giving me a smile.
"Thanks", I give him a wave and then I'm out onto Greek row and walking back to the ZBZ house.
When I get there I'm already anxious about the way I look. I'd been acting weird all week and it was pretty obvious. And I could tell Frannie was lurking, that she was suspicious. The other day she'd asked me if anything was wrong and I just told her I was having PMS mood swings… if she only knew.
I open the door to the ZBZ house, really hoping that the girls are mostly done eating breakfast and that some of them are out at their early classes. If I could just slip in and go change, I'll be home free.
But unfortunately when I open the door I see Frannie, standing with her arms crossed.
"Oh… hey Frannie", I smile, surprised by her, trying to act as normal as possible even though she's caught me sneaking in in my pajamas.
But she just gives me a stern look and I look around, finally registering what's in her hands. My purse that I'd left here last night.
"We know Casey. So don't deny it", She puts her hands on her hips.
Crap. All the evidence of my secret was in this purse. I'd kept one of the pregnancy tests, thought I'd want it as a keepsake maybe, which was probably dumb. And of course my ultrasound photo was in there too.
If only I hadn't been so distressed last night, I would've just remembered to bring my purse with me!
"Frannie… I can… I can explain", I stammer.
"No need. You're pregnant with Evan's baby, it's pretty clear as day. But I hope this is clear too… if you're going to go through with this, you know you can't stay here", she looks me up and down snidely.
"Frannie…", I trail off, shaking my head. "Everyone knows?"
"I announced it at breakfast this morning. I figured we're sisters, we should know everything about each other right?", She speaks evil like, with a smug smile.
"That wasn't your place! And what are you doing with my purse anyway?!", I'm angry now, and I pull it away from her clutches, taking it back and holding it close to me.
"I'm just so disappointed in you Casey. You could've really been something here. I mean, the only saving grace is… if you're going to keep the baby, which lets be honest, you probably will… at least you chose a respectable guy to procreate with", She scoffs, finding this amusing to taunt me.
"Please don't tell Evan okay?", I plead, all I can think about right now. "I need… I need to talk to him first".
I couldn't believe how evil Frannie was being… and this was her when she thinks the baby is Evan's. I can't imagine how much worse this will all be when she finds out it's Cappie's.
"Fine, do whatever you need to do but your dirty little secret is out. Ashleigh tried to stop me from telling everyone but it was no use, all the girls know now. You're a slut but you do have a solid friend there", She laughs meanly. "I cannot believe I thought that you would get the Zeta Beta presidency after me, what a waste of time I spent on you".
I just give her a glare, hurt and angry. So upset that my heart is pounding, my body is shaking, and my eyes fill with tears.
I don't say anything more to her, I just push by her to get to the stairs, hitting her shoulder with mine as I do. I rush up to my bedroom now, hoping maybe Ash is here. I need to figure out what the hell my next step is going to be now that I'd walked into a complete landmine.