When I walk into the Kappa Tau house after reading Cappie's texts all I can feel is worry rising in my chest.
What did we need to talk about?
He just didn't sound like himself in those messages. And… I knew that he'd been escorted to the police station and that Evan had been there too to press charges… so they were at the police station together. And something tells me there's no way that Evan had kept to himself there... No, the Evan I know loves to kick someone when they're down, especially when that person is Cappie. I'm sure he would happily tell Cap exactly how he feels about him. Maybe that's it.
Or maybe Cappie was just upset about what happened earlier, upset that he'd given in to Evan's taunting and started the fight. To be fair I was mad at him for not just walking away. But... like Ash had reminded me... he'd only reacted that way because Evan had taken a shot at me.
Either way I wasn't feeling good about things. And it makes me sad because we'd actually been having a really nice day together before everything went down. I'd even felt… kind of excited after the appointment, as crazy and as delusional as that was.
"Casey!", Rusty comes up to me with a smile on his face, completely shaking me out of my racing thoughts as I walk into the main area of the house. "Hey, where's Cappie? I got the cake you wanted for his birthday and the guys are getting ready for the party tonight. We're gonna try to do a whole surprise thing! Sing him happy birthday and stuff!"
In the distance I see Beaver ordering around a scrawny, lanky pledge with a keg he can barely carry.
"Oh um…", I shake my head and then shrug. "He'll be home in a bit I think… so…"
Rusty gives me a confused and slightly concerned look.
"Is everything okay Case?", Rusty asks. "You seem shaken up?"
I guess the news of Cappie and Evan's fight hadn't gotten around campus yet. Which… is sort of surprising considering how big Frannie's mouth is. I knew she'd have it spread around campus soon though, with Cappie of course being the bad guy in the story.
"It's just um…", I sigh. "It's just the whole seeing the baby again thing... really the whole entire appointment this morning. We got to hearing the heartbeat and…. I don't know, it's just kind of a lot Rus".
Rusty nods, I think easily buying that this is the only reason I'm acting off right now.
"I got new pictures there today, do you wanna see them?", I ask him, a bit of a smile coming over my face whether I like it or not. That's just sort of how I felt about it, about the baby, and about sharing anything new about him or her with my little brother. My little brother who may or may not get to be it's uncle.
"Yeah of course I do", Rusty nods excitedly. "Let's see the little guy!"
"Or little girl", I add with a small laugh, taking my purse off my shoulder as the two of us move into the living room so we can sit down on the couch together.
"Right sorry, or girl", Rusty scoffs, giving me a smirk as I pass the photo strip over to him.
"That's it now…", I point to it, to the black and white silhouette of the baby. My baby.
I was actually calling it a baby, there really was no way not to think of it as that now. A few weeks ago when I first found out I refused to even think of it as a baby, I'd just wanted to refer to it as a cluster of mine and Cappie's cells. But… now I've heard it's heartbeat. Now I could see that it had decently grown from its jellybean like state to something that actually sort of resembles a baby. Now I could stare at myself in the mirror and see the faintest look of a swell at my lower belly, could feel some of my clothes being a little too tight. All of those things made it crystal clear in my mind that there was now no doubt that there's a baby in me.
"Wow…", Rusty's jaw drops as I watch him look over the photos. "This is crazy Casey, I can't believe how different it looks from the last sonogram you had. And that was just like…"
He thinks go himself.
"Like 4 weeks ago?", I scoff, finishing his sentence. "I know right? That's exactly what I thought too Rus. It's growing really fast. But… uh, apparently that's normal. I mean, obviously it's normal, I'm pregnant and that's sort of how it works, the baby's gonna keep growing and I'm gonna keep growing too. I guess I just didn't realize it would all happen so quickly".
I sigh deeply.
"Yeah it is happening really fast", Rusty agrees. "And you still haven't told mom and dad about it".
Rusty gives me a slightly accusing look so I just give him a good natured roll of my eyes.
"Rusty! You know that I want to have completely made up my mind about what to do with it before I tell mom and dad!", I speak strongly. "I want to have a clear plan before I tell them... otherwise they're gonna totally freak out and…"
I fail to finish my sentence, instead my voice just catches in my throat.
"And… they'll probably try and make you get an abortion?", Rusty confirms with me, finishing my sentence. Rusty certainly wasn't stupid. Of course he wasn't. "Since you can still have one under 12 weeks or something, right?"
"Yeah exactly", I nod, avoiding his gaze for a moment.
That really was half the reason why I didn't want to tell them until I was a bit farther along. I didn't know about my dad, but I knew for certain my mom would tell me that I'm insane for wanting to carry through with this pregnancy. Even though I'm an adult and it's my choice she would one hundred percent try to influence me to get an abortion. Hell, she'd probably drive me to the clinic and try to drag me in.
"It's okay Casey, I know that you want to have him or her", Rusty speaks to me in a soft voice, in a voice that I can tell is meant to be comforting to me. "And its your choice at the end of the day, not mom and dads".
I look up at him now for the first time in a minute or so, actually meeting his eyes, letting him see that mine are wet with tears, that I'm on the brink of crying. I didn't want to be vulnerable like this with him, I didn't want him to see me on the verge of crying. But yet… here I was, and he was sort of all I had these days… I mean, besides Cappie and Ashleigh. I just wasn't used to having this type of relationship with my little brother.
"Aw c'mere Case", Rusty frowns and then leans forward to put his arms around me.
Weirdly Rusty is completely comfortable hugging me. Both times we've hugged since he got here at school this semester were hugs that he initiated. I suppose even though we grew up in the same home I held people more at an arm's length than he did… and I never wanted to let anyone see my weaknesses.
But here I was hugging my brother back, thankful as ever for him right now.
"Hey… you guys okay?", I hear a voice, a voice I could recognize out of a lineup of a million guys.
Cappie.
Me and Rusty part and I wipe at my face, desperately hoping I don't look too emotional right now.
"Oh hey Cap! Yeah we're fine, I mean Casey's kind of emotional about your guys' appointment today for the baby but…", Rusty looks at me trying to get it together, him having no idea that half the reason a tear was rolling down my cheek right now was because of what had happened today at the movie theatre. "I can't believe you didn't tell any of us that it's your birthday Cap!"
"Oh yeah", Cappie shakes his head and shrugs, and right away I can see that somethings clearly going on with him, that somethings off. He's standing with his hands in the pockets of his jeans, a red mark on the side of his face up near his eye that would likely swell into a black eye of sorts. "I don't know, I don't really ever do much to celebrate it so…"
"Okay well, you may be in for a surprise tonight then!", Rusty can't handle his excitement, a smile completely plastered across his face.
Rusty never could keep a secret. Ever. If I did something bad as I kid I damn well knew Rusty would go snitch on me to our parents.
"Oh... maybe I shouldn't have said that", Rusty looks over to me and I can't help but scoff to myself at my little brother.
"Well… don't worry, I'll make sure to act surprised Spitter", Cappie smiles for the first time since earlier today. It actually gives me a huge feeling of relief to see that, because usually he wasn't like this, wasn't so solemn. I wanted to see him as his usual smirking self. He had to be himself because… I needed him. Even though I'd never ever admit that.
But unfortunately Cappie's smile falls slightly when his gaze turns from Rusty to look over at me.
I feel the two of us make complete eye contact for the first time since he came in. I feel like we're communicating through just our eyes, if that's even possible.
My heart beats fast in my chest now as I sense the uneasiness Cappie is feeling just like I am.
"Case… you wanna go talk for a sec?", He speaks softly, in a voice thats completely serious too, which is sort of unlike him. I mean… I knew his serious side, but it wasn't something he showed often. And in this case… I could tell whatever he was feeling wasn't good.
"Yeah, yeah of course", I nod and then get up off the couch. "See you in a bit Rus".
I give Rusty a quick smile and I think he can sense the tension between me and Cap just by the confused look he's giving us, but he doesn't say anything. He probably knew all too well that he was likely never going to understand what the hell was going on when it came to me and Cappie's relationship.
Lately me and Rusty sort of avoided the topic of me and Cappie's relationship status. And that was mostly because Rusty had pushed me to talk to him about it, had told me how much he knew Cappie cared about me and that he couldn't understand why me and Cap didn't just be together. And in response I told him that it was more complicated than that and that it was none of his business. So now I think Rusty sort of stayed out of it, even if he wanted to state his opinion, which was clearly that he thought I should give Cappie a chance.
I follow Cappie up to his bedroom now, already completely on edge about whatever he wanted to talk about. Especially since… when I dated Cappie he never really cared about talking about anything super serious, that was more my thing.
"I uh... I can give you a ride to go get your car later Cap", I let out nervously, thinking about how his car is in the movie theatre parking lot still.
"Oh no, don't worry. I got it, I had the cab drive me there and then I drove it home", He assures me.
"Oh", I nod slowly. "Okay cool".
Even though we're talking like normal I can feel the awkwardness between us, can feel that feeling of impending doom.
When we get to his room I awkwardly sit down on the corner of my bed. His bed I mean… I had a habit now of thinking of this as my room. Since… it sort of felt like it was now. Especially since the room was filled with a ton of pink and girly stuff, and since it was completely clean now.
"So… I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am Case", Cappie stands in front of me, pacing back and forth a little bit, taking a break for a moment now to sigh and look straight at me. "The whole thing was my fault and… and you didn't deserve to go through any of that today. I mean… you don't deserve any of this at all Casey, none of it".
I feel my brow furrow now as I look at him with concern, not to mention some confusion.
"Well thank you but… what are you talking about about me not deserving any of this? What do you mean?", I shake my head.
"You don't deserve any of the crap that has happened to you since school started, crap you wouldn't be going through if it wasn't for me", He sighs deeply.
"Cappie", I roll my eyes. "I've told you before that it's not just your fault that I got pregnant".
"Yeah but…", he throws his head back for a moment and then looks down sadly. "I'm a screwup Casey. Everybody knows it. You're just… you're just too nice to say it to me… or I don't know… maybe you won't admit it because you cared about me at one point… I don't know. But I'm no good for anyone okay? The past few weeks I've been… I've been living in delusion I think".
"I don't even understand what you're talking about right now Cappie!", I throw my hands up. "I care about you present tense okay? I do. And you don't screw everything up, you've been completely there for me at every point ever since we found out about the baby".
I try to meet his eyeline but he's kind of avoiding looking right into my eyes. He just looks upset and I can tell he's just completely tearing himself up inside.
For all the bravado and confidence Cappie always carried himself with in public I knew the real him. In fact… I sort of prided myself on the fact that I knew the real him. I liked it, it was like a secret treasure I kept for myself, the fact that only I knew the self described idiot manwhore of CRU.
And I knew full well that he was smart, smart enough to know what people around here said about him. Because of course people talked. And I'd never really thought he cared much about what people said and thought about him…. I never thought he cared at all about that. Until now.
Now I realize that this is actually something he's completely insecure about.
"This is all just about Frannie and Evan isn't it?", I let out, my voice a little shakey since I'm on the verge of tears.
I hated seeing him like this. I just wanted him to be him again. I wanted us to be us again. And fine, I was admitting that there was now an us.
"Frannie was exactly right earlier today okay?", He looks into my eyes now.
"What? Frannie's not right, Frannie's never right! I don't undertst-", I shake my head as I speak quickly.
"I'm never going to be enough for you! You deserve way better than me Casey and I know that. You and the baby deserve better okay? You know that and I know that. It deserves a better father than me", He gestures down to my belly, looking completely torn up.
"Cappie… stop okay?! You're it's dad! I mean you are biologically anyway, and if we keep it you are gonna be it's dad and that's the only way I'd have it!", I argue with him.
"I'd be a shitty dad Casey. You know that, and if you're honest with yourself you know that that's why you're considering adoption", He retaliates, but not in a angry sparring way, more so in a depressing way.
"That's not true, that's not why I'm considering adoption", I say. "I don't even know why you're talking like this Cap please-"
And now it starts, the tears. I couldn't keep them in anymore.
"I'm sorry, the last thing in this world I ever want is to do is make you cry but... but Casey if you keep this baby with me then I'm going to be in your life forever and… it'll keep you down. I'll be keeping you down. And everyone here knows that Casey, okay? It's what everyone is thinking, not just Frannie", He tells me.
"No they're not", I shake my head. I know I'm sort of lying though because… around campus on more than one occasion I'd heard people talking about us since we seemed to be such a hot topic lately. Most recently it was a couple girls from Gamma Psi in the library gossiping about how they knew Cappie would end up getting someone pregnant they just never thought it would be me. Then they went on to express how they felt bad for me because I was apparently going to end up all alone with the baby because Cappie wouldn't stick around.
But people just said that because they didn't fully know him. I don't even blame those girls for thinking that, it's how he portrayed himself to the rest of the Greek system. It would take actually spending time with him to realize he's not always like that. And… it would take being loved by him to realize how much he actually cares about people. How loyal and intelligent he actually is.
"Yes it is. Everyone… everyone feels bad for you that I ended up getting you pregnant Casey", he sighs. "I'm not stupid, I know what people are saying! I'm bringing you down".
"No you're not. I'm the one that wanted to hook up with you that night okay? It's my fault that I'm pregnant too", I argue.
"I know it's just… I probably shouldn't be even saying this to you but… I wanted to keep the baby. I mean, I still want to but... before today and me realizing that I'd be no good for it, I wanted so badly for you to decide to not choose adoption because you know how I feel about you, and I want this with you. But now… now I think that's just me being selfish Casey. If you do this and you keep this baby then you're going to be stuck with me for life. And I don't want to be selfish with you as much… as much as I want this... as much as I want you", He sighs, looking down at his feet again.
"Why are you acting like me having you in my life forever is that bad? You're acting like it's some sort of prison sentence Cappie!", I break out into a sob.
Before this it was just a few tears, but now I can't help it, I'm upset. The entire events of today have just been too much. And I wanted the regular him back, I needed him back. And I was at the point where I knew that I was probably going to have to admit that to him… Admit to him that I need him and that the only person I'd want to get pregnant and actually keep the baby with is him.
"We didn't work out freshman year because I let you down Casey", He looks sad. "And I'm just going to keep letting you down, it's what I do. It's the reason why I'm better off just sleeping around. Because the only girl I'd ever want to be with is way too good for me!"
He gestures to me, I can tell fired up about this.
I feel a pang in my heart even in the state of distress that I'm in.
I'm the only girl he'd ever want to be with?
"Yeah but it's been almost two years now Cap!", I say with a shake of my head. "I've told Ash this and I've told Rusty this… I haven't told you because I… because I've been scared to! But… you're the only one that I'd want to be doing this with Cappie".
His eyes widen a bit and I physically see a wave of complete and utter confusion come over him, me surprising him with what I'd just admitted.
"What?", He shakes his head, taken aback.
"You're the only one I want to do this with, okay?!", I say a bit louder as I throw up my hands and then bury my face down in my hands for a moment out of pure frustration. When I look back up at his confused face I realize I'm going to have to explain this further, going to have to be vulnerable with him. "You're the only person that I'd want to go through this whole having a baby thing with Cappie".
I finally just admit this to him, rolling my eyes and then sighing deeply, thinking about the fact that that was something I never thought I would actually tell him. But yet here I am completely pouring my heart out to him about the fact that I literally couldn't imagine having a baby with anyone else... Because the fact is... I wouldn't want to, it wouldn't feel right.
"When I found out I was pregnant I was completely petrified but…", I speak again, the two of us staring into each other's eyes now. "For some reason the only thing that made me feel like everything would be okay was the fact that it's with you. And then… then I saw you at the Kappa Tau party that night when I came to interrupt your plans for Rusty… and I ran away from you crying. That's why Cappie! Because I realized right then and there while talking about our first time together, my first time ever, was that the only person that I wanted to comfort me about being pregnant was you! And… I'm pretty sure half the reason I wasn't able to get rid of it is because it's half you! Which is insane, obviously, but… it's just the truth".
He takes a second to think this over, looking completely taken aback by everything I'm saying to him.
"You're… you're not just saying that?", He questions, still looking like he can't believe that these words are coming out of my mouth. And I kind of regret that I've been keeping him at such an arm's length for so long now that I've made him completely unable to believe that I actually could feel this way about him.
"No I'm not just saying that Cappie!", I throw my hands up again while rolling my eyes a bit, almost in annoyance of him. Which is sort of ironic since I'm currently in the middle of professing to him that I'm happy that even though I didn't want to get pregnant right now I'm happy that this baby is his. "I wouldn't lie to you. And I know you think that you're not good enough for… us…"
It feels weird to include myself and the baby in this sentence.
"But I don't feel that way at all", I assert my feelings to him. "And I know what people say but they're not right! And all that matters is what I feel about it Cappie. If I keep her then you're the only one I want to keep her with!"
It dawns on me right after saying it that in the heat of this intense semi argument we're having I've now gone and said 'her' when we don't even have any idea if it's a girl. For some reason it just came out of me without thinking.
"You think that now Casey, probably because we've had a few good weeks together and because… we just saw it again and heard it's heartbeat together… but it'll wear off and you'll change your mind", He shakes his head, rambling on again.
"No I won't Cappie", I speak strongly, frustrated with him.
"You broke up with me because… because I'm a childish, lazy, unreliable, unpredictable, unambitious frat guy who let you down before and… that's why we didn't work", He shrugs slightly, looking truly as downcast as I've ever seen him, the hurt in his voice breaking my heart right now.
"I know what you're doing!", I say, kind of angry now. "You're self sabotaging this because you're scared and because you're letting Evan and Frannie's opinions get to you! Because Evan is the one person that somehow knows just what to say to you to tear you down, I've seen it!"
He looks up to meet my eyes now like it's hard for him to do.
"What am I self sabotaging Case?", He looks frustrated now. "It's not like we're in a real relationship! You've… made that pretty clear. We're just two people that randomly happen to be having a baby together because we had a one night stand, it's not like you chose this".
"No I didn't choose this! But… it wasn't just a one night stand and I think you know that!", I let out, my voice clearly cracking with emotion.
He looks shocked now, completely taken aback by my statement, his eyes wide.
"Look I know that you feeling this way is partly on me because I hurt you so bad when I got together with Evan and I'm really sorry about that. Really, I am. It was a mistake and it was so selfish of me. I didn't think about you when I did it, I was just thinking about myself and about getting on top at ZBZ", I tell him, speaking completely honestly. "I never ever wanted to hurt you Cap… but I know that I did. And I know that night when I got pregnant I just hurt you more when I left you in the morning… but that was before I lived here with you and… and before I got to know you again and realized that you're still the exact same I guy I met and fell in love with in freshman year!"
I'm arguing passionately now, Cappie's expression blank and waiting for me to explain more, because it wasn't often I ever talked like this to him, that I told him how I really felt about him.
"And I'm also pretty sure I'm one of the only people, if not the only person, that knows that deep down you're not completely like how you present yourself to everyone else around here", I say, in a sort of matter of fact way. "I know who you are behind that stereotypical frat guy exterior you put up… You can hide that from everyone else but you can't hide that from me! And that's why no matter what you're saying right now I know that you're the only one I want to be going through this with. Even if Evan hadn't done what he did to me, even if me and him were still together, you'd still be the only person I'd want to have their baby growing inside me!"
We both stand here just staring at each other now. Me realizing that I'm basically yelling at him at this point, yelling and arguing even though I'm saying nice things to him. And Cappie looking at me in pure disbelief of the way I'm pouring my heart out with honesty and pleading for him to just be the guy he was this morning again. To be the guy that held my hand while we heard our baby's heartbeat together. To be the guy he'd been ever since that night he'd forced it out of me to confess that I was pregnant to him.
"I… I just don't know why you'd feel that way", he sighs, breaking the silence between us as he shakes his head sadly. "I don't know why you'd want it to be with me Casey".
"You don't know why I'd feel that way?", I scoff, speaking rhetorically. "Cappie I can see how hard you love the people in your life! And… I'm just lucky to be one of them! And that's how I know how much love you have to give to a baby… if we do end up keeping and raising it. And if we don't then I still know that you're going to be a great dad in the future… whether it's a baby with me or not".
For some reason I immediately feel sick at even the mere thought of the possibility of a future him with a girlfriend or wife and him having a baby with her, his DNA mixing with some other girl to create a baby. Because as stupid as this sounds, I hated thinking about that scenario… I just felt like it was our thing now. I didn't want to think about his traits and his looks and all his qualities that I loved mixing with some other girl. I already had his DNA growing in me and… some deranged part of me that still felt like he was who I was supposed to end up with wanted his to be the only babies I had. And I wanted to be the only one he was going to get pregnant.
And I know what you're thinking, that sounds absolutely crazy to be saying at 20 years old. And maybe it's partially my insane pregnancy hormones clouding my judgement, or the fact that he's the first and only guy I've ever loved, my first serious boyfriend and the guy I lost my virginity to…. but I'd already envisioned our baby a million times now. Not even just the way it would look, but the way it would be, the way it would probably remind me of him every day. I wanted it to be with him. Even if I was way too young to be deciding that now.
And right now staring at him, I finally realize it. I'm actually in deep. I'm in love with him again. Not that I'd ever really stopped, even I'll admit that I never fully stopped. But now… now it was as clear as day to me.
And it freaked me the hell out.
"You know what?", I immediately decide I have to get out of here, the realization that's just completely gobsmacked me in the face terrifying me and making my flight or fight response kick in. "I need to get out of here".
I stand up now and move past him to go to the door.
"What?", I can hear the confusion in his voice as he follows me. "Casey you're crying and you're upset, I don't want—"
"I just need to get out of here okay?!", I keep going down the stairs.
He follows me as I walk quickly.
"Hey where are you going?", Rusty looks confused as he gets up from the couch and follows me and Cappie over to the door where I'm grabbing my coat.
"I'm… I'm just going out for a bit!", I snap at Rusty, which he certainly doesn't deserve.
"Casey I'm worried about you, why don't you just let me go with you and—", Cappie jumps in.
"No you should- you should stay here and—", I'm immediately cut off by all of the guys walking in from outside in the backyard as they start to sing.
They're singing Happy Birthday, the 30 or so of them led by Beaver in a party hat as they approach Cappie, whose just awkwardly standing next to me.
"Yay!!", Beaver claps his hands when they're done singing. "I can't believe you didn't tell us it was your birthday Cap! I mean, our presidents birthday is a pretty big deal!"
"Thanks guys", Cappie gives them an awkward and forced smile. "I just… me and Casey are just kind of in the middle of something right now".
"Yeah but we're gonna have cake Cap! And in just a few hours we're gonna have a ton of girls! Beav invited the Tri Pis just for you!", Pickle announces with a grin, the guys looking excited and not really taking the hint that my face is red with tears.
"You're welcome man! It's my gift to you!", Beav winks at Cap.
Even though I wish this didn't elicit any reaction from me at all, Cappie spending the whole night partying with a bunch of girls, and Tri Pi girls at that... it did. It did elicit a reaction in me. It feels like I'm being stabbed right in the chest.
Maybe it's just the hormones making me feel like this? Yeah... I'll blame it on the baby.
"Guys you didn't have to do that", Cappie rolls his eyes slightly, groaning a bit, knowing that this is a horrible time for them to say this in front of me. Then he looks down at me with a look that's trying to communicate that he's sorry.
"You should go celebrate your birthday with your friends", I cross my arms across my chest as I look up at him, sneering slightly. "Cake... unlimited alcohol... And you'll probably have a bunch of Tri Pis fawning all over you! Sounds like a perfect night in your books right?"
I roll my eyes and pull my boots on, ready to go now.
"C'mon you know I don't care about those girls, you're the only one that I-", He starts but I cut him off.
"It's fine, like you said, we're not together, it was just a one night stand", I tell him.
It is sort of awkward that we're passive aggressively having this small fight in front of the KT guys... but then again, most of them probably don't know what passive aggressive even means.
"Casey", He groans in frustration, looking like he's completely kicking himself right now.
I fail to respond, instead I just open the door, the cool air hitting me.
"Wait... where are you gonna go?", Cappie looks concerned, the guys luckily having moved to congregate to the kitchen to get cake now. Except for Rusty who's standing here looking concerned.
Cappie is kind of right… where was I going to go? I certainly couldn't go to ZBZ… or Doblers.
"What's going on you guys?", Rusty jumps in.
"What's going on is… can I have your dorm room key Rus?", I ask him, an idea jumping into my mind.
"Uh… yeah okay…", Rusty looks completely confused but does as I say nonetheless, handing it over to me. "Why Casey?"
"You guys just enjoy your party or whatever. I need some time alone", I declare, throwing my purse over my shoulder.
"Casey…", Cap groans. "I know where you're going so it's not exactly like you're hiding it from me. You shouldn't drive when you're upset! You're pregnant".
"Whatever, I'll be fine, just… just don't come after me!", I say in annoyance. "I just can't be here right now. I'm too freaked out and too mad at you!"
I give them both a look of disdain, even though Rusty hasn't done anything wrong at all, and then I turn around to open the front door to get out to my car.
The cool air feels especially cold on my wet face, wet from the tears that had been streaming down it.
Luckily neither Rusty nor Cappie attempt any further to stop me so I get into my car and drive down greek row to make my way to the campus dorms, somewhere I never thought I'd be going today.
As I drive all I can think about is the fact that… Cappie probably thinks I left because I'm mad at him, which partially I am. I definitely am. But… really the bigger reason that I so immediately got up and left during our conversation is because it had finally hit me while arguing with him that… I care about this. I care about him, I care about us, and I care about this baby. And fine… I love him. I'd realized that I one hundred percent, stupidly and undoubtably, was in love with him again. Just like I had been in freshman year.
And what good was that going to do me when I was pregnant at 20 years old with his baby and had no idea what I was going to do about it?
All I knew was that I had to get out of there. I couldn't stay at the KT house after realizing it, and after admitting everything that I'd just admitted to him. I never made myself vulnerable, it was almost like a rule I had for myself. And luckily my relationship with Evan really didn't involve any sort of real vulnerability, it was too surface level for that.
But this… this was scary. The feelings were scary. Especially since I hadn't felt them in so long. The last and only time I'd been this vulnerable with a guy was when we had dated in freshman year.
So… fine, I was retreating to the CRU boys' dorm. Somewhere I never really thought I would ever set foot in again unless it was a short visit to see Rusty. Even though I used to spend a lot of time there. A lot of time that was connected to a lot of feelings for the person that I was currently running away from. But… I had nowhere else to go because all the places I typically frequented before I got pregannt I couldn't really show my face at right now.
So… I'd spend the entire night in Rusty's dorm room if I have to, considering Rusty would probably be at the KT party the whole night.
It was the only place I could really go to hideout from Cappie. As long as he left me alone and didn't come and find me I would be one hundred percent safe from my feelings for him….
Right?
Author's Note :
Hope you guys liked this chapter! I love angsty stuff like this between Cappie and Casey! And I wanted to explore Cappie's insecurities about things Evan says to him and about what people on campus say and think about him because I feel like it's true to his character. Especially in season 2-4 we see Cappie's insecurities about not being good enough for Casey and about the way people don't take him seriously.
The next chapter I'm already writing! And Dale will also make an appearance which is always fun to write!
Thanks for reading! I have a lot of future chapters written, hope you enjoy this story.