Okay, so one of my favorite villains from MacGyver is Quayle from season one, episode twelve, "Deathlock," played by Christopher Neame. (He is also one of the podcast "Making Fun of MacGyver"'s favorite villains, and you should listen to one of their episodes after this if you haven't yet.) Christopher Neame went on to play Von Leer in "Legend of the Holy Rose," the two-part opener episode of season five, and Sir Duncan in "Good Knight MacGyver," a two-parter from season seven. I have also realized that there is a severe lack of fanfic including Quayle. Now that that's all out there, the following is a crack fic set in an alternate universe where MacGyver recognized Quayle in "Legend of the Holy Rose." The beginning is a summary and slight recap of the first part of this episode. My thanks and apologies to the creators of "MacGyver" and all you readers. Enjoy and please consider leaving a review.
What a day this had been.
When your day starts out with a slightly overzealous childhood-friend-turned-archaeology-professor named Zoe Ryan unhooking your houseboat and letting it drift out to sea, then tellin' you that she needs your help recovering the Holy Grail, you at least know it'll be interesting. After a ten hour flight all the way from home to London, I had wanted to at least get some sleep or a bite to eat. Zoe protested, of course, and here we were at a tiny former abbey, trying to get into a closing museum to find some kind of scepter before an evil rich guy named Von Leer found it and sold another artifact for a profit.
Zoe and I walked through the doors. A woman with a thick cockney accent stopped us, wheeling a closed sign modeled after a man hanging from a gallows toward the door.
"Two tickets please," I said anyways.
"Sorry to disappoint ya, me lad, but I got a' appointment with me 'airdresser, and Jamie is 'ere to guard the door since we're closin'!" she replied
I glanced at her shiny nametag – Eunice, it read.
"Hey, Eunice," I started quietly, slipping a twenty out of my wallet. "Here's a little gift for your hairdresser."
She glanced at the cash for a moment before plucking it out of my hand. "'E's a smooth one!" she grinned. "Ya got ten minutes," she said, and pulled 'James' over to the door.
"'E's a smooth one!" Zoe chuckled, imitating Eunice.
We journeyed deeper into the museum and wandered about for somewhere a scepter might hide. Zoe repeated the inscription we had found earlier, on another artifact, Diana's mirror, that had led us here. The second part of the translation reminded me of something – a baptism ceremony!
"A baptism… water!" I exclaimed.
"That's right!" Zoe replied. She turned around, searching her memory for information about 12th century architecture. Following her, we climbed the steps at the back of the room and found an old covered stone basin. We pulled away the curtains and placed Diana's mirror into a groove at the base. We turned it, watching in awe as the three scepters poked out a few feet above us. We slid them out of the stone and examined the markings.
"We're on our way to the Holy Rose!" Zoe said excitedly.
"Ducky, I'm afraid tha' you're in for a bi' of a le' down," Eunice announced threateningly, pulling a gun on us.
Oh no, not again.
Another threatening tall guy walked in and stood by her side, smiling smugly at us. They ushered us toward them, so we slowly and carefully walked back down the steps.
All of a sudden, two more threatening suit guys walked through the entrance, smiling just as smugly, if not more.
"Ah hello," the mustached man said ominously.
He couldn't be, could he…?
"Professor Ryan, Mr. MacGyver," he sneered menacingly.
"Quayle." I would know the man who once installed traps throughout an entire mansion/safe house to trap me anywhere.
"How did you get out of DXS custody and become an antique-seller?" I questioned intensely.
"I had a lockpicking kit hidden under a fake scar when I went to jail."
"So you escaped by picking the cell door with the kit?"
"No, I traded it with my guard for a bowl of spaghetti with powdered blue cheese, then traded that with my cellmate for a specially-designed explosive lightbulb that they had hidden under a fake scar. I then placed that against the cell door when no one was looking and set it to start ticking. When the guard came to inspect it, I used my master-level sleight-of-hand skills to reach through the cell bars and grab the guard's keys without him noticing. After he left, I used the keys to open the door. I then escaped and ran to a nearby dig site. I grabbed some artifacts and began my business, retiring from my former life of crime and selling priceless artifacts for a profit instead."
"Darnnit Quayle, how are you always so clever?" I said, facepalming.
"Well MacGyver, I was bored in prison, and my cellmate described their intricate plans in their sleep. Their name was Murd-ey or Murp-er or something."
My heart skipped a beat as I realized who he was talking about. How could my friend, Lieutenant Murphy, have turned to such a criminal life that she shared a cell with Quayle?
"Tis I, MacGyver!" I watched in stunned horror as my old enemy Murdoc suddenly stepped out of the shadows. I gasped in surprise.
"What is Murdoc doing here? Where is Lieutenant Murphy?" I shouted at Quayle.
Quayle snickered, his mustache quivering unsettlingly. "I don't know who Murphy is, but Murdoc approached me at the dig site."
"After staging an entire theatre production while simultaneously building an evil lair beneath the stage, I was a little pressed for cash. I started looking for some new financial opportunities since my former employer didn't believe in my murdery capabilities anymore after the whole 'get MacGyver by putting his friend in a play and trapping you all below the stage' plan didn't work out. Now Quayle and I are partners in an artifact smuggling and black market selling business," Murdoc interjected.
MacGyver could only stare as he marveled at their ingenious plan and villainousness.
Quayle pulled out a gun and cocked it. "We have decided that we need Professor Ryan for our most recent plan to find the Holy Rose. However, we have determined that you are too dangerous to our financial endeavors, so I have installed countless traps in this museum, similar to those found in a certain DXS safe house four years ago to ensure that you will never escape. MUAW HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Quayle cackled. His henchmen grabbed Zoe, and they all ran out the door, guffawing and cackling madly.
"I'll come after you!" MacGyver called out to Zoe as the bad guys dragged her away.
He looked around nervously, searching out the first trap that he would need to fix, already reaching into his pocket for a fresh paperclip.
That's it for now! Tune in next time to learn how MacGyver foils the nefarious traps of Quayle. Let me know what you think in a review!