Chapter 21: I never said you weren't good enough.
'Some of the most beautiful things worth having in your life come wrapped up in a crown of thorns.'
-Shannon L. Alder
Day Six
Becca hurried around her apartment. She got home from work a couple hours ago. It didn't leave her much time to do anything. She got a quick shower and shaved the important parts, which was difficult. Razors were difficult to come by. She ended up using a man's shaving razor. There weren't many luxuries. They did what they could with what they had.
She wore a dress Maria let her borrow. She was over her house and admired it in her closet. Maria offered to let her borrow it. She didn't have a special occasion back then.
It was the first dress she thought of when she asked him over tonight. This was a special occasion. He was almost a full week sober. That was something to be proud about.
The dress was a deep red color. It was backless and reached her mid thigh. The front of the dress was tasteful with a v cut that showed a peek of her cleavage, but the back of the dress was shameless. She didn't wear any panties. Partly because she didn't want the lines showing. Mainly because she wanted to see his face when he realized it.
She kept her hair down, but Maria curled it for her. She even helped do her makeup. She put the finishing touches on herself as she scurried around the house she had a lot of nervous energy. She's been anxious all day.
She missed these moments. The excitement and nerves before a date. This was only their second date. They may have known each other for a long time and gone farther than most second dates; it still felt different. More official.
She heard a knock on the door. She jumped and placed a hand over her stomach. She took a deep breath. He was on time. He always arrived promptly. She appreciated that in a man.
She smoothed down her dress and ran her hand through her hair. The thought suddenly occurred to her that he's only been over here twice. The first time he made her come so hard she almost passed out on her couch. She wondered if they would have a repeat.
She walked up to the door and looked through the peephole to make sure it was him. She saw the top of his head and he's heart started racing. He was here.
She took another deep breath before unlocking the door. Her eyes widened when she saw him. He was wearing black dark denim jeans and a grey Henley. His belt buckle gleamed in the light. His hair was parted on the sides. His mustache and beard neatly trimmed.
He looked drop dead gorgeous. She wanted to run her hands through his hair and muss it up though. It looked better when it was messy and disheveled. Especially when she caused it.
He whistled lowly when he saw her. His eyes roved up and down her body. His slowly trailed up her legs as they swept up her body. Was he wondering what she was wearing underneath? Or what she wasn't?
He pulled his arm from behind his back and sheepishly handed her a bouquet of flowers. She recognized them immediately. They were from her garden. She wouldn't be angry he went into her garden without asking. His heart was in the right place. She just wished he didn't pick the gardenias. She was saving them for Margaret's, a coworker's wedding in a couple months. It was the thought that counted. He was trying to do something nice for her.
She leaned up and kissed his cheek,'Thank you. They're beautiful.'
'I know. You made them.' He shrugged sheepishly,'Tommy said I should give you something you like.'
'You did.' She smirked,'You brought yourself.'
He blinked his eyes. He didn't know what to say to that. No one ever talked to him like she did. She called him out on his bullshit, but she also saw the worth in him. She treated him as if he mattered.
He could love her for that.
She laughed and grabbed his hands, tugging him inside,'Let's get in before my neighbors have a show.'
He followed her inside the house and closed the door behind them, making sure to lock it.
He placed his hands on her arms to steady her,'Let me take a look at ya for a minute.'
She blushed as she stood there under his scrutinizing gaze. His eyes looked all over her. He slowly walked around her and took his time to appreciate her, drink her in.
His breath hitched in his throat when he saw her bare back. The fabric went above her ass. He didn't see any panty lines. His eyes fluttered shut. She wanted to kill him.
He ran the tips of his fingers up and down her bare back, making her tremble.
He peered up at her over her shoulder,'Is this okay?'
She gave him a small smile and nodded slowly,'It's more than okay.'
He almost sighed in relief. He's been thinking about being alone with her all day. Tommy had noticed he was distracted at work today. He dropped a roofing tile…four times. He didn't want to waste anymore time. He was eager to experience her fully sober. He couldn't remember the last time he did anything sober.
He lifted her hair up and gently draped it over her shoulder. He leaned down and nuzzled into the back of her neck, breathing her in. She pressed her back up against his chest as he rubbed her arms.
She closed her eyes and sighed contentedly. This is what their nights should consist of. Not spending them in jail cells or being angry at each other. This. Just enjoying each others company. Getting lost in each other.
He kissed the back of her neck, his breath hot and heavy against her skin,'You're the sexiest woman I've ever met. It's getting real difficult to keep my calm and stay a gentleman. You got me fucked up.' He hummed softly as he ran his hands down her waist, his hands gliding over the thin silk material,'This dress is gonna fuckin kill me.'
Becca smirked to herself. Lucky dress. Maybe Maria was onto something after all.
She sighed as he wrapped his arms around her waist. She caressed his hands as they rubbed her stomach,'You clean up nice too.' He snorted as she pushed back against him for emphasis,'I've been thinking about this all day, Joel. Not just the touching, but this. Just being alone together.'
He huffed as he pressed a kiss on her bare shoulder. He rested his chin on her shoulder, looking up at her,'We don't get much time alone, huh?' He pressed his nose against her skin, his mustache tickling her,'The days are easier to get through when you have the nights to look forward to. I haven't had anything to look forward to.'
'Do you now?' She tangled their hands together that were resting on her stomach.
'Yeah.' He nodded,'I sure fucking do.' He raised his head up to meet her gaze,'I meant what I said last night, Becca. About you being my woman. You are my woman. I ain't looking for anything else.'
Tears filled her eyes. She couldn't help but become emotional at his admission. Her sweet Joel. Only ellie and herself would ever get to see this side of him. He could be so tender and caring.
She sighed and turned around in his arms to cup his cheek.'And you're my man, Joel. I'm not looking for anything else either. I don't want those boys back in town. I only ever wanted you. No one gets me like you do. It's always been you.'
He muttered something under his breath before he held her face in his hands. She eagerly returned his kiss. She leaned up on her tiptoes to reach his height. He slid his hands off her face and down to her waist. He picked her up easily, slowly dragging her up the length of his body.
His went to grip her thighs and his eyes widened when he realized she wasn't wearing any panties. He was suspicious, but to actually be made aware of it did him in.
He dropped her as if she were on fire. She managed to keep herself upright, thankful she was barefoot. He took a step back from her and closed his eyes taking a deep breath.
She was out of breath as she looked up at him, wondering what in the hell was going on. His back was facing her and he had his arm braced against the wall. He was resting his forehead on his arm.
She cautiously touched his shoulder and gasped when she saw him biting his fist.
'What's the matter?' She frowned,'Did I do something wrong?'
He laughed and shook his head,'No…you gotta give me a minute. I almost…' He closed his eyes and sighed shakily,'I need you to walk away please. Fore I do something we're both gonna regret. There's only so much a man can take, sweetheart.'
Her eyes widened in realization and she nodded, gently squeezing his shoulder,'What if we both want it?'
'I could hurt you.' He whispered admittedly,'I'm going to hurt you.'
She didn't see his words as threat. Did he not understand it hurt when he pushed her away? She wasn't asking for much. Just him.
She frowned and rested her head against his shoulder, just like he did with her plenty of times before,'You're not hurting me now. You don't hurt me when we're together, Joel. You make me feel good. Really good. I've never come so hard in my life than when I do when I'm with you. I can't remember a time I ever felt this good. Not even before the outbreak. You make me happy. Why can't that be enough?'
He clenched his eyes shut to keep from bawling his eyes out. She touched something deep inside his soul. She treated him like a human being. She made him feel comfortable discussing his insecurities and setbacks. She saw him worthy of her time.
He leaned down and rested his forehead against hers, whispering,I damn near lost my fuckin shit when I didn't feel any underwear. You're a little tease.' He watched her mouth as she gasped slightly,'After dinner I wanna have your taste in my mouth when I leave tonight. I wanna feel you come all over my tongue.'
She was motionless at his words. She heard the timer for dinner go off. The sound jolted her back to reality. Dinner. She needed to get dinner before it burned.
She got out from under him as she hurried to the kitchen. Her legs felt wobbly and she was light headed. He had her head messed up too. He smelled so good, like sandalwood, musk and fresh air. She could still feel his facial hair rubbing against her sensitive skin.
She wanted to know what it would feel like between her legs, rubbing the insides of her thighs raw. She had to rub her legs together to dull the throbbing ache in her pussy. It felt like they've been building up to this for over a year and a half. The attraction has always been there. He even admitted to it.
It's been like foreplay ever since they met. It was bound to implode sooner or later. The tension between them is so thick they could cut it with a knife. It wasn't just the attraction. They connected on a personal level. They could talk for hours about everything and nothing. They shared the same passion for books.
They were partners. Each other's equals.
She placed the last bowl on the table and clapped her hands excitedly,'Dinner is served.'
Always the gentleman, he waited until she sat down first. He couldn't help but notice her chair was right next to his. They didn't keep the distance between them like their first date. They wouldn't be guarded anymore. No more distance. They made a promise to each other. They were all in.
Joel devoured dinner. She made roasted chicken, potatoes and broccoli. She admitted to being a terrible cook, but she was learning. The recipe Maria gave her was easy to follow. He seemed to like it.
He was on his second plate while she was still finishing up her first. She took a sip of her water as she studied him,'What were you like before the outbreak?'
'A stupid kid.' He smirked. He shrugged and wiped his mouth,'Me and Tommy had our own construction business. Sarah was fourteen.' He cleared his throat,'Me and Esther, her mom. We got married young. Tommy introduced us actually.' He laughed and shook his head,'She was a spitfire. Beautiful. I ain't ever seen anything like her. I was so in love with her. She got pregnant with Sarah pretty early on. We got married. For the first couple years it was good, but work started to slow down and money wasn't really coming in. I woke up one morning and she was gone. She left her rings and a note saying she didn't want to be found.' He sighed shakily,'I was a kid left to raise a baby. And that's what I did. Until the day she died that's what I did.'
She reached up and ran her hand through his hair, kissing his temple,'You did a damn good job too.' She frowned when he laughed dryly, but she could hear the tears in his tone.
She slid off her chair and into his lap. He immediately wrapped his arm around her waist. She wound her arms around his neck, holding him close,'Sarah made sure you kept Ellie safe.'
He rested his head against her shoulder and smiled against her skin,'You're still going on about that spiritual shit.'
'Just because I don't believe in God doesn't mean I don't believe in something.' She kissed his forehead, whispering,'I believe everything happens for a reason. Even this.'
She smiled softly before getting up from his lap. He looked up at her, sad and horny. She twisted him sometimes.
He helped her clear the table and do the dishes. She washed while he dried. They didn't say much as they cleaned. They just enjoyed the comfortable silence as they stood side by side.
She couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like to have this every night. To share something so mundane yet comforting with someone. She started to realize how lonely it was living here. She felt at home with him and Ellie.
The night was still young and neither had nowhere to be the next day. She asked him if he wanted to stay for coffee and he agreed. Although the sly smirk on his face told her he already knew she was going to ask him that.
She brought the coffee out to the living room and placed it on the table. He was sitting on the couch, his arm resting against the back of it. She remembered this scene all too well.
She put on some music. It was an old Neil Young record. He watched her as she sat down next to him. The song changed and she bounced in her seat as the slow melodic sounds of 'Harvest Moon' played.
'I love this song. Reminds me of daddy.'
She swayed back and forth. He pursed his lips as his eyes followed her movements. He made his decision.
He sighed and got up from the couch. He leaned down and grabbed her hand. She looked up at him, shaking her head in disbelief,'You dance?'
'I used to.' He smiled sheepishly,'Don't know if I still can.'
She stood upright and she placed her hands on his shoulders. He took her hand and lifted up their arms as they swayed to the music. She smiled brightly up at him.
'You can dance.' She shook her head,'I should've known, my Texas man.'
His heart clenched in his chest. She called him 'her man'. She was probably teasing him, but he could let himself hope. He could pretend he was her man in this moment.
He slid his hands down to her waist and she wrapped her arms around his neck. She laid her head on his chest as they swayed to the music. The lyrics of the song resonated within them.
She closed her eyes and smiled softly, intently listening to the words,'When we were strangers. I watched you from afar
When we were lovers. I loved you with all my heart.'
Neil said what she didn't have the courage to. She could hear the rapid beating of his heart. Did it beat like this for her?
He stroked her hair as the song came to an end. They didn't let go of each other. She nuzzled into his neck, breathing in his body oils, leather and his natural musk. She slowly pulled his shirt out of his jeans and slid her hand underneath of it.
He stood stock still, but never took his eyes off her. His eyes followed her every movement. He watched and waited with bated breath, wondering what she was going to do next.
She lifted his shirt up and tugged on it silently urging him to take it off. He lifted his arms up and she pulled it up over his head, discarding it onto the floor.
He averted his eyes downward. He didn't have the body of men her age. His body was covered in scars and freckles. Bruises old and new.
Rebecca didn't see all those things though. She marveled at his body. He was lean in the waist, but boxing and hard work made his body fit. His abdominal muscles were more defined. His biceps were bigger and his shoulders were broader. Her eyes followed the trail of salt and pepper hair that led down towards his crotch. His jeans low on his hips.
Joel Miller was fucking attractive. He deserved to know that. Damn anyone who made him feel like he wasn't.
She pressed open mouthed kisses down his chest. She flicked her tongue against his skin, tasting the sweat off his skin. She could feel his chest heaving. His breathing ragged.
She looked up at him. His eyes were boring down at her. His pupils blown wide his eyes looked almost black. His hair was messed up from her hands and he was chewing on his bottom lip. She preferred him like this. Undone and apart for her.
Only her.
Joel wanted to say something, but his mind was scrambled. All he could focus on was the heat of her wet mouth on his skin. Her small way tongue licking the sweat off his skin. His abdominal muscles clenched and unclenched. He hissed when she softly kissed his incision. A reminder of the second chance he was given.
He tangled his hand in her hair as she gently nipped at his left nipple. He bit on his bottom lip, shaking his head,'What are you doin?'
She smirked up at him, her hair curtaining her face.'I'm enjoying myself.'
He had a serious look upon his face as he cradled her face in his hands. He slowly lifted her head up to look at him. He looked directly into her eyes, whispering,'I wanna taste your pussy.' He rested his forehead against hers, nuzzling their noses together,'Wanna spread ya out and have you all over my face. It's all I can think about.'
Becca nodded as she looked over his face. She thought about taking him to her bedroom, but she didn't want to give him enough time to change his mind. He overthinks sometimes and gets too in his head. This shouldn't be something they had to overthink about. This shouldn't be the simplest thing to do.
She took both of his hands in hers and walked them over to the couch. She sat down as he fell onto his knees in front of her. He knelt in between her knees as his large hands gripped her thighs.
Her eyes intently watched his movements. She was shaking, but she wasn't afraid. She would never be afraid of him. He gently and slowly spread her apart. His movements so delicate it brought tears to her eyes. It's been so long, she forgot what gentle felt like.
He nuzzled his cheek against her inner thigh. She jerked slightly as his facial hair rubbed against her sensitive skin. She relished in it. Tomorrow she would remember what this felt like. He pressed his nose against her skin, inhaling her scent. He did the same thing to her other leg, making her dizzy and delirious.
Her hands were buried in his thick hair. Her calves were pressed up against his bare shoulders. Bliss.
In this moment she felt true freedom. Just a woman and her man enjoying each other. No infected. No obligations. Just Joel and Becca.
He leaned over her and cupped her jaw. He kissed her deeply, his tongue slowly tangling with hers. She nipped at his bottom lip and he moaned into her mouth.
His large hands slowly slid up her sides as his hands skimmed the sides of her breasts. She arched up against his touch, tugging on his hair as she kissed him hungrily.
He leaned away from her slightly as he stared at her, silently waiting for her permission. She couldn't wait for the day when he didn't have to ask.
She arched her chest against him, silently pleading for him to touch them. He gingerly slid the straps down her arms and she slid off the flimsy material. She needed to be delicate with it. Maria had insisted she keep it, but she wanted to hold onto it for more than one night.
He gently tugged on the fabric and groaned softly when her tits spilled out of it. He wasted no time in cupping them in his hands. He flicked and suckled on her nipples, switching back and forth to each one. She was keening at his touch. Her fingers tugged on his hair, pressing his mouth closed against her chest.
He couldn't take his eyes off her. She fucking loved it. He could smell the musk of her pussy. The heat emanated off her in ways. Open and wet, ready to be tasted.
He nuzzled in between her breasts, wanting to stay buried there forever. He kissed his way down her body, sucking and kissing on her skin through the thin material of her dress. He gently pushed her to lean back against the couch.
He sat up in between her legs, licking his lips as he slowly hiked her dress up to her hips. Her entire body felt flushed and feverish. The anticipation was killing her, but he wanted to take his time. It felt as if he were slowly unraveling her.
His eyes widened slightly as he looked over her pussy for the first time. It was neatly groomed, with a small strip of red hair. He smirked. That answered his question. She was a real redhead. The temper made sense.
Her pussy was glistening with her juices. So pink and wet. Ripe for the taking. Her inner thighs were wet with her slick. Her pussy was literally throbbing.
He shook his head in disbelief. He couldn't believe someone wanted him this bad. It made him feel good about himself. Maybe he was doing something right for a change.
He caressed her thighs as he licked his lips, whispering,'I'm gonna make this pretty little pussy feel real good.'
Before the outbreak, she would've been disgusted with men like him. She wouldn't have given him a second glance. She used to favor the pretty boy types. Now she wanted someone strong. Someone brave. Someone who wouldn't bullshit her around.
Joel was everything the mature Rebecca wanted. He was so sexy and handsome to her. He was everything she wanted now.
He slowly pulled her closer to the edge of the couch. He pushed the table out of the way, giving them more room. His eyes never left her face as he dipped his head lower. She leaned back, resting her head back against the couch
He slowly licked up her split, gathering her wetness on his tongue. She instinctively jerked her body. His tongue was like electric on her skin. It's been years since anyone's done this to her. Her husband didn't enjoy it. He saw it as a chore. It was rare for him to go down on her. David never bothered to try and she was grateful for it.
Joel. She actually seemed to enjoy it. He pressed his entire face against her pussy. His nose was buried in between her folds. He nuzzled his nose against her clit and she gasped as his mustache tickled the most sensitive part of her.
She was so soaked the sheets would be wet, but he seemed to love it. She squirmed against him, whispering,'Joel…please.' She didn't even recognize the sound of her own voice. It was ragged, almost pleading. She didn't know what she was even begging for.
'No.' He shook his head,'You don't ever have to beg me for anything. Understand?' He waited for her to nod. He kissed the hood of her pussy, making her whimper,'Tell me what you want. I wanna hear you say it.'
She gasped at his words as she struggled to form the words. He was making it difficult for her to think coherently.
She tugged hard on his hair, making him hiss as it sent a jolt to his dick, which was throbbing in his jeans. He pushed his arousal aside for a moment and focused on her pleasure.
Deciding to put her out of her misery, he leaned down and slid his tongue inside her pussy. His eyes rolled in pleasure at the first taste of her. Her juices were tangy and made your tastebuds go haywire, like a sweet tart. He greedily lapped at her, licking her walls.
He slid his hands underneath her ass, pulling her closer to his mouth. She draped her long legs over his shoulders. Her ankles were locked behind his neck. He was completely surrounded by her. Total bliss.
His hands squeezed her ass as he sucked and slurped on her pussy. She arched up against him, pushing his mouth closer to her. She slowly ground her pussy against his mouth.
She could hear the sounds of his heavy belt buckle hitting the floor. His tongue swirled around her clit as his hands groped her ass. His eyes never left her tits. He seemed to be fixated on them as they bounced with their movements.
The sound of his jeans unzipping made her blood run hot. The popped button of his jeans. He flicked against her clit, moaning into her pussy as she felt the jerking motions against her leg.
She looked down and her eyes widened as she watched him jerking himself off as he ate her out. She didn't know why that turned her on so much. He was so turned on by touching her that he needed to relieve himself. She wasn't ashamed. She wouldn't allow herself to feel guilt for what they were doing. They're two consenting adults.
He slid one of his hands out from underneath her ass and began rubbing her clit with the pad of his thumb. He sucked her clit into his mouth. He used his broad shoulders to open her up even wider for him.
Her cheeks flushed. She's never been in this position with a man before. He seemed to know what he was doing though. She felt a thrill in learning things from him. They could have fun building up their intimacy.
He flicked his tongue against her clit as his hand wandered all over her body. He gently grabbed at her skin over her dress as his hand trailed up to her tits. He squeezed and groped them, moaning into her pussy.
He jerked and tugged on his cock furiously. He slid his hand down to his balls, tugging on them. His entire face was buried in her pussy. His facial hair was wet with her juices. He was drowning in her.
He stared up at her in awe. She was writhing on the couch, her fiery red hair wild all around her. Her tanned skin glistened in the moonlight. Her body arched in pleasure like a bow as she practically rode his face.
This is what heaven must feel like.
Becca could feel the telltale sensation in the tips of her toes. The burning in the pit of her belly. His hands was on her tits while his other hand was jerking his cock furiously. His moans of pleasure into her pussy reverberated throughout her entire body. His facial hair created a delicious friction against her clit.
He never took his eyes off her as she watched his mouth move over her pussy so effortlessly, like someone gave him a blueprint to her body.
She gently tugged on her clit with his teeth and she came. She pulled hard on his hair as her body hunched over his. She felt him let out a long moan into her pussy as he came. The force of it knocked the wind right out of her. His mouth didn't relent though. He slurped on her juices as she came, lapping at her greedily.
She watched dazedly as he lazily licked at her pussy as he slowly stroked his cock. She saw the white substance all over his hand. Her heart started pounding.
As if to answer her question, he shrugged sheepishly,'I came when you did.'
She laughed as she held his face and bent down to kiss him. She tasted herself on him and felt a thrill shoot through her. Maybe he would let her watch the next time he jerked off.
He pulled away from her and rested his head on her stomach, sighing deeply,'I have to go home, but you tired this old man out.'
'Then don't go home.' She shrugged as she ran her hand through his hair. She was still catching her breath,'You can always stay here. I told you that.'
He looked up at her and frowned,'People will talk.'
'Who the fuck cares, Joel?' She shook her head,'I sure don't. I just punched Majorie and went to jail for a day. I don't think they'll be surprised by anything I do anymore.'
'I thought that was hot as shit by the way.' He nodded and cleared his throat,'Ellie said those boxing lessons I'm giving ya paid off.'
'I had a good teacher.' She smiled softly as she looked over his face,'You wanna crash on the couch?'
She knew he wasn't ready to sleep in her bed yet. It was a weird quirk of his. He said Tess had been the last person he shared a bed with. He didn't elaborate and she didn't ask. She didn't want to push him.
He closed his eyes and sighed,'Yeah, I don't think I have the energy to move anyway.'
She nodded as he helped her up from the couch. She lifted the dress up to cover her body,'You can go wash up first while I get changed.'
He nodded as he went into the bathroom and cleaned up. Her door was opened a crack and he could see a soft glow from the oil light. His eyes curiously peered inside. She was changing into a nightgown. Her red hair a stark contrast against the yellow of her nightgown.
He let out a shuddering breath. He felt disgusted in himself. He should be in there with her. Not sleeping on the couch because he was afraid of his nightmares.
He saw the red marks on her smooth flesh. Ones he put there. He had been too rough with her. He pawed at her like the dog he is. A bitch in heat.
She was turning around to walk out the door. He hurried to the living room and sat down on the couch. She left him a blanket and a pillow. He had and lost a good woman. He was given another one. Another chance to make things right.
Becca walked into the living room and he took a moment to carefully study her. She didn't ask anything from him other than himself. She didn't poke or prod into his head. She let him speak when he saw fit. She let him just be…him.
She deserved more than cheap thrills on the living room couch. She deserved to be seen and heard. He realized in this moment just how much she meant to him.
He didn't know if it was love, but it's the closest thing he's ever felt to it. He thought he was in love before. That was until he met her. She challenged everything he thought he knew about himself.
She sighed and reached out her hand,'Come to bed, Joel. We're too tired to do anything but sleep.'
He put his hand in hers, letting her lead him to her bedroom. He's never been inside here before. She opened the door and he walked inside. There was a queen sized bed with the mattress on a low box spring. It made the bed look like it was on the floor. She had candles everywhere, books and blankets. She had a mirror with handmade drawings on it. The room smelled like roses.
It was so her.
She waved her hands around,'This is where the magic happens.' She pursed her lips,'Although, the magic usually doesn't happen here. It's usually in the living room.'
He smirked at her smart ass remark. He thought about the time she held him in his bed while he suffered a fever. He was coming down from the withdrawal. He hadn't felt an urge the entire time he's been with her. She was good for his soul. She made him think about the things in life that were good for him.
He could do this. He could lie in this bed with the woman he was irrevocably in love with (although she didn't know that, yet. He was working on it). They were grown. He was her man and she was his woman. There wouldn't be anymore dancing around the issue.
Becca pulled the covers down as she looked up at him,'Which do you prefer? Left or right?'
'The one closest to the door.' He shrugged,'In case I need to see what's going on.'
She laughed and shook her head,'Okay, Rambo. No infected around these parts. Might have a crazy old lady run in here though. Lucy is a bit senile.'
He started unbuttoning his jeans as she stared at him,'What? I can sleep with them on.'
'It's not that.' She shook her head and sighed,'It's just I've never seen it yet.'
He started laughing as he slid them down his legs and kicked them off. He bent down and folded them neatly, putting them on her chair.
Her eyes trailed down to his boxers. They were gray and clung to his body. His thighs were thick and muscular. His body was that of a rancher, lean and muscular in all the right places. She found herself a real cowboy. It took a lot of deadbeats to find a good one.
She wasn't sad she met him. She was sad she met him later in life. She wished she had the chance to love him longer.
He climbed into bed beside of her and laid back. She surprised him by resting her head on his chest. She pulled the covers up over them as she tangled their legs together. She loved the way his hard body felt against her soft one. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder as he draped her arm over his midsection.
It felt so normal to lay together like this.
'I promise you'll get to see it.' He grinned in the dark,'And it'll be in a bed.'
She smiled against his chest as she settled closer to him,'Yours or mine?'
He leaned down kissed the top of her head, whispering,'Wherever you're at, darlin.'
For the first time in all her life, she actually believed something someone told her. She never took people at their word. She needed proof. Hard evidence. She believed when he said something he meant it.
Joel Miller had her heart. He was safe with it. He wasn't going anywhere.
Until he did.
Final Hour
It was their second night sleeping in the same bed together. Nothing physical happened between them that night. When he picked her up from work that night he had been distant. Cold even.
He wasn't the warm and passionate man he was before. He almost declined going upstairs, but something changed his mind. He reluctantly agreed and followed her inside.
He was antsy at dinner. He was affectionate or flirty like their previous nights together. Maybe they were getting too close and this was all too much for him. Maybe she misread the signs and he only wanted something casual.
Had they been friends with benefits all along?
He called her his woman. She called him her man. She thought this was different. She…
She was almost asleep when she heard the muffled whispers. He was laying on his side with his back facing her. He wasn't cuddling her like the previous night. What was he even here for then?
He started tossing and turning, whimpering,'Sarah…no.' She sat up in alarm and leaned over him. His head was thrashing back and forth, tears were falling from his eyes, 'Tess…my baby girl. Tess…'
Tess.
The name was bittersweet. She couldn't compete with a dead woman Tess did something brave and heroic. All she did was cry and grovel.
She couldn't stand to see him suffer like this. She slowly and cautiously placed her hand on his shoulder, whispering soothingly,'Joel, wake up baby. Please.' He muttered something under his breath.
She took a deep breath and gently shook him. He sprung up from the bed and tightly wrapped his hands around her throat. She grabbed at his wrists, trying desperately to pull him off her, but he was much too strong.
She gasped for air, but nothing came out. He seemed to be half asleep and half awake. He had PTSD. He was in the middle of one of his triggered memories. It wasn't him.
But if he didn't let go he was going to kill her.
Her legs flailed as she tried to push him off her. Something clicked inside his head and he let go of her. She landed across the bed. Her bare legs dangling off the side like a rag doll. She coughed as she gasped for air. Her throat ached and she felt like she wanted to pass out.
Joel was frozen over her as he stared, horrified by what he had done. He gently cupped the back of her head and pulled her up. He stroked the side of her face, whispering,'Oh Jesus fuck.'
He gingerly laid her down on the bed. She would be alright. She just needed to catch her breath, but she would have bruises on her throat. He could already see the angry red handprints on her otherwise perfect skin.
He said he would hurt her one day. She done heed his warning. She foolishly followed an old man down into the depths of hell. She was a bright light in this world. She didn't need the darkness like him.
Tears blurred his vision as he looked down at her, shaking his head,'I'm so sorry, baby. I warned ya that I would you and you didn't fucking believe me. I'm so sorry.'
She tried to reach out for him, but he flinched from her touch. He quickly got up from the bed and shook his head,'No, no, no. I ain't letting you come nowhere near me again.'
Becca narrowed her eyes up at him. He was being immature. He wouldn't listen to reason. He was more stubborn than her. He was going to take this opportunity and run away. He would let his trauma prevent him from being happy.
He would become bitter and alone.
Becca pulled herself up and downed the cup of water she kept by her bed. She shook her head and sighed,'You were sleep walking.' Her voice was raspy and it hurt to talk, but she needed for him to hear this,'It wasn't you. I know it wasn't you.'
His eyes were wild as he looked over her face,'How do you know that? You don't even know me.'
His words cut her deep. She thought she knew him the most of all. He felt ashamed for accidentally hurting her. He wouldn't forgive himself. He gave her up, thinking it was for the best. She hated the fact he could drop her just like that. Did she even matter to him at all?
She kneeled on the edge of the bed to hold his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her,'Baby, I know you better than you know yourself. I…love you. I'm in love with you, Joel. I have been for awhile now.'
To say it felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She felt lighter just saying it. Even if he didn't reciprocate her words. At least she was brave enough to say the words. Even if he never could.
Her words hit him like a punch to the gut. He never thought he would hear those words from anyone other than Tommy. He thought Esther loved him, but when she said he didn't feel it. He knew she didn't mean it.
Tess. She had been for comfort. She was a friend who he occasionally found comfort worn sexually. He loved her like a close friend. Not a lover.
Becca. It was mine none existed before her. She made him forget all about the women in his past. She gave him everything. Comfort, warmth and love.
How did he repay her? By almost choking her death in the middle of the night. He didn't know what he would've done he killed her. Probably woulda put a bullet into his brain. Tommy would be said. Ellie would understand.
Joel couldn't rectify Becca dying. He couldn't reconcile the thought of never seeing her again. He knew he loved her. He was in love with her. There wasn't any use lying to himself anymore.
She's probably the first woman he's ever truly been in love with. Becca thought he was grieving the loss of Tess. She didn't even know. Maybe it was better off that way. He loved her far too much to be close to her. He didn't trust his mind. He would rather she be safe and sound.
He could watch and ache for her from afar. She would be safe.
Joel stared straightforward at the wall. He kept his face stoic and bit the inside of his cheek to keep from crying. He couldn't bear the way she was looking up at him, looking confused and hoping he was making a joke. She hoped he was making a joke.
Please God let it be a joke.
'You don't love me.' She didn't ask him, but simply stated it as fact,'It's okay.'
He jerked his head out of her grasp and shook his head,'I thought this is what I wanted, but I…' He sighed. This is one of the hardest things he ever had to do in his life,'This can't go beyond anything physical.' He cleared his throat,'Ya ain't what I want, Becca. I just didn't know how to tell ya.'
Cause you still love Tess. She thought to herself.
She gritted her teeth as tears fell from her eyes. She punched his shoulders. Even now making sure not to hurt his incision,'Fuck you, Joel Miller! You don't get to say those things to me.' She punched his shoulder again as she sobbed.'I gave you my body after they…' She shook her head as she looked up at him incredulously.
He stood still as a statue. He kept his eyes straight ahead. Not even flinching. She envied how easy it was for him to switch off his emotions.
'You're a coward.' She seethed as she pushed him away from her,'You're so afraid. So fucking afraid to actually have something real with someone.' She placed her hands over her chest,'I'm real, Joel. I'm not some ghost like Tess. I'm not Esther. I'm not gonna willingly leave you! Why are you so afraid?'
He took a step closer to comfort her, but he quickly took a step back. His hands balled into tight fists at his sides. He needed to walk away. She would get over this. She would thrive. He would live a nomadic life on his ranch.
She would meet a nice young man. His head would be clear of bad memories. She would give her babies. She would be a good mom. He will be dead and gone while she carried on with her life.
It's what she deserved.
He almost killed her tonight.
'Everything.' He whispered gruffly,'I'm afraid of everything.'
He grabbed his jeans and pulled them on. He quickly slid on his boots. He needed to get out of here. He could hear the sounds of her sobs. It made him sick to his stomach. He should be comforting her. He should be on his knees begging for her forgiveness. Instead, he was walking away from her. Becca was right. He is a coward.
He closed the door behind him and beg a covered her face with her hands, sobbing into them. She felt ashamed and embarrassed. Rejection isn't easy. Especially from someone she considered a friend. Maybe she pushed him too hard. She shouldn't have let him sleep in the bed with her. He obviously wasn't comfortable.
She was partly to blame too. She gingerly touched her throat and winced. She works have to cover up with scarves, which would be weird in the summer, but she would cover her face as well. So it looked like she was wearing a gator mask. She didn't want lies and rumors to be spread. Gossip spreads like wildfire in a small town.
They were going to have a doozy with their breakup. That's what happened. He broke up with her. He didn't even seem to care. She thought he was better than that. She wondered if he even felt anything for her at all. The way he looked at her and the things he said. All that had to be real.
Yet, it wasn't.
She was never enough for anyone. Everyone she's ever met tried to change her. She thought Joel would be different. He turned out to be just like everyone else. A wolf in sheep's clothing.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Joel stumbled back to the house. He thought about taking some pills or drink to take the ache away, but he would just be failing himself. He refused to let all his hard work be for nothing.
He would face the hurt dead on. Stone cold sober. It's what he deserved. He just gave up the best thing that's ever happened to him. And she loved him. She told him she was in love with him. What did he do? Run. He ran like he always did. He was a coward.
He walked into the kitchen, not even bothering with the lights. He sat down at the kitchen table and covered his face with his hands. He sobbed into them. The pain was different when you grieved someone you lost, but who was very much alive. He would have to see her everyday, knowing what she smelled and tasted like. It would be the rawest and most roughest kind of want.
Love.
Ellie heard him come in and she went downstairs. She frowned when she saw Joel crying in the dark. She walked over to him and stood behind him. She didn't say anything. She simply wrapped her arms around him tightly and held him. She comforted him just like he had done many times for her.
He rested his chin on her arm as he sniffled softly,'I fucked up big time, kid. There ain't no fucking way I'm coming back from this.'
'You'll find a way.' Her faith in him was unflinching as she smiled softly,'You always do.'
He snorted as he held onto her. She had faith and trust in him. Even after everything that's happened to her. She still found it in her heart to trust him. He couldn't let her down. He wouldn't let this break him.
Ellie was right. He would find a way.