Chapter 23: Sorry doesn't cut it
'Would sorry have made any difference? Does it ever? It's just a word. One word against a thousand actions.'
-Sarah Ockler, Bittersweet
It was a damp and dreary Sunday morning. The rain was falling steadily and the thunder boomed loudly throughout the house. Ellie was off with Lizzie. She didn't know where Joel went off to.
She's been at his house overnight, but she's already overstayed her welcome. She couldn't stay here any longer. It didn't feel right. She didn't need or want his pity.
Her head was pounding as she pulled herself up from bed. She changed into he clothes Ellie left for her. She had a nasty bump on her head, but other than that she was okay. Sharon said she was lucky Joel was there. She might not have came back. He saved her life again. It seemed like it's all he ever did anymore.
She ignored the pain in her head and walked out of the bedroom and downstairs. She was thankful she didn't see Joel. Maybe he went into town. She didn't know if she could face him again.
The only time she's seen him was at dinner. He didn't say much at dinner. Ellie filled the void with conversation. He was quieter than usual.
She didn't understand what he had to be solemn about. She did what he asked. She stayed away from him and gave him space. She didn't force herself on him. She couldn't make him love her.
He admitted he cared about her and wanted her around, but it didn't seem like enough. His words sounded hollow and empty. She didn't trust people at their word. Not anymore.
She heard the sounds of a guitar playing softly. It felt like a fist was clenching around her heart. She would know his playing from anywhere.
She thought about going out the back, but he would see her leave. She didn't feel right about sneaking away from him. It wasn't her style. She would face him head on.
She took a deep breath to gather her courage and walked out onto the porch. He looked up at her and stopped strumming his guitar.
He placed it down beside him, clearing his throat,'You feeling okay?'
She ignored his words. She couldn't handle him being comforting and soothing. He was driving her crazy with the mixed signals. She wouldn't play anymore games with him. He either wanted her or he didn't.
'I'm feeling fine.' She crossed her arms over her chest as she watched the rain beat down hard onto the ground,'I need to get going. I have work in an hour.'
His eyes widened and he shook his head,'It's storming out. Why don't you wait until the rain clears up?'
'I have to get to work.' Her tone was adamant,'I need to go home. I can't be here.'
'Then I'll take you back.' He frowned as he clung to his desperation. He didn't want her to leave. Ever,'You just fell down a mountain. You should take a day off and rest.'
'Stop it.' She closed her eyes and sighed shakily,'Please stop.'
'Stop what?'
She opened her eyes to look down at him. She was trembling with rage. How dare he?
She laughed incredulously and shook her head,'You have some fucking nerve, Joel Miller. You tell me you want nothing to do with me and stay away from you. I do that and you don't like it. You can't have it both ways. You can't…do this. You can't be nice to me.'
His brow furrowed in confusion. He didn't know what she wanted from him. He was trying to make things right.
He groaned softly as he pulled himself out of the chair. He stood close to her as he searched her face,'Why can't I be nice to you?'
'Because it doesn't mean anything.' She shook her head and blinked away tears,'I'm not gonna keep crawling back every time you say something you think I wanna hear.'
'You think that's what I'm doing?' She nodded slowly and he scoffed,'You know I don't say anything I don't mean.'
She laughed and placed her hands on her hips,'Really? You could've fooled me.'
She was angry with him and had every right to be. Tommy was right. He was jerking her around. He couldn't have it all. He needed to make a decision. It's what she deserved. He either wanted her or he needed to let her go so she could move on. He didn't want her to move on though. He couldn't bear the thought of seeing her with someone else.
She shook her head and sighed,'I gotta go.'
She walked off the porch and over to the barn. The rain was falling heavily. She was soaked to the bone, but she didn't even care. She needed to get as far away from his as possible.
She hugged herself as she shivered in the pouring rain. She didn't look back to see if he was following her. It wouldn't have mattered anyway.
Joel was shaking with rage as he followed her to the barn. He didn't even care about the rain. He was angry that she could easily walk away from him. After everything they've been through, she was the one who was finally throwing in the towel. He'd be damned before he let that happen.
He pushed the barn door opened and gritted his teeth as he walked over to her,'We weren't finished talking.'
She was saddling Sadie as she kept her back facing him,'I was done talking. There isn't anything else left to say. Thank you for helping me and letting me stay. You don't have to worry about me anymore.'
His nostrils flared with anger. His hands were balled into tight fists at his sides. How could she just let go of this so easily? Why was it so easy for her to walk away?
He walked closer to her and stood behind her. She could feel his presence close to her back. Even though they were both wet and cold from the rain. She could feel the warmth radiating from him.
He sighed deeply as he lifted his hand up to stroke her hair, but he changed his mind at the last minute. His hand hovering near her. He couldn't find the courage to touch her. He couldn't stand the thought of her pulling away from him. Would he ever let go of this crippling fear?
'I'm always gonna worry about you, honey girl.' He leaned in closer to her and placed his hands on her shoulders, whispering,'Come back inside with me and get warm. We've missed each other.'
She closed her eyes and sighed softly. She told herself not to give in to his soothing words. He was placating her. He didn't want her. He wanted someone to warm his bed.
'Leave me alone, Joel.' She whispered pleadingly,'You can't keep doing this to me.'
He kissed the back of her head as he pressed his nose against her scalp. He pressed his chest against her back and gently squeezed her shoulders,'Come back inside, Becca. Please.'
He was close to begging her. He knew if she left she may never come back. He was scrambling, clinging and reaching out to her. It didn't seem to be enough. Maybe he was too late.
She jerked herself around of his grasp and whipped around to face him,'What are you trying to do here?'
He lifted his hands up and sighed,'I'm trying to make an effort. I can't make my intentions my plainer.'
'You can't say nice words and expect everything to solve itself. It doesn't work like that.'
He kicked the bucket on the ground in frustration and anger, making her jump,'I don't know what else you fucking want from me.' He nodded,'I fucked up. I know that. You don't have to keep punishing me for it.'
'Punishing you?' Her eyes widened in astonishment,'Poor Joel right? God forbid he doesn't get what he wanted. For once you can't smooth talk your way outta something and it's killing you.'
He didn't know what to say. She was right. Every single word. No one stood up to him like she did. Not even Ellie. Becca called him out on his shit. She wasn't afraid to tell him how she felt. He respected her for that. He loved her for it too.
'You're right.' He nodded curtly,'You're absolutely right.'
He took a deep breath as he cautiously took his hands in hers. He placed them over his chest as he laid his soul bare to her. She was surprised to see tears in his eyes. There was pure emotion on his face and affection in his eyes. She saw something in his eyes she's never seen before. Adoration.
'You gotta cut me some slack here, Becca.' He looked over her face as he held onto her hands tightly, afraid he would leave her for good,'I ain't ever done this before.'
'Apologized?' She gave him a small smile.
He smirked and shook his head,'I ain't ever …wanted to make an effort like this before.' He snorted,'I ain't ever apologized for anything neither.'
'Did it hurt?' She grinned at the perplexed look on his face,'To apologize.'
He let out a small laugh and shrugged,'I don't know. All depends on if you accept it, I guess.'
'I accept your apology, Joel. It's all I wanted.'
She was half lying. She wanted more than an apology, but she would never get a declaration of love from him. She gave up on that a long time ago.
'I gotta get to work.' She sighed,'I need to make medicine before the herbs dry out.'
He nodded in resignation, knowing he couldn't change her mind about leaving,'You working late tonight?'
She nodded and frowned,'Yeah. I need to make up some time.'
'I'll be there to walk you home tonight.' He shrugged,'I don't sleep much anyways.'
She was surprised he asked her that. She felt the despair sink in even deeper. She was torturing herself by letting him into her life. She was afraid to ask him what he wanted. She didn't want to know the answer.
She wouldn't make it so easy for him to hurt her again. She would have her guard up. He was just being her friend. She had to keep telling herself that.
'Okay.' She smiled gratefully as he helped her on her horse.
He patted Sadie's side as he looked up at her.'You sure about riding in the rain?'
'It's only a short distance.' She shrugged,'I've rode in worse.'
He grinned at her, remembering their travels together. That had been almost two years ago. So much has happened since then. Two years ago if someone would've told him he would fall in love with this woman, he would've laughed and called them crazy.
He did though. He fell so deep in love with her he didn't know which way is up. She thought he only wanted her friendship. She didn't know how he ached for her. How he stayed up night after night wanting to go to her and bring her home where she belonged. He felt as if he were slowly dying.
He missed her loving touches and her warm smiles. He missed the way she made him feel, like he was someone important who mattered. She used to look at him like he hung the moon. She could barely look at him now.
He planned to rectify that. Starting tonight.
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Becca was exhausted when she walked out of the hospital. She has just finished a thirteen hour shift. It was almost three in the morning. Her body was tired, but her mind was wide awake. They lost someone today. A thirteen year old boy. He died of an asthmatic attack. They did all they could, but it wasn't enough.
She could still hear the heart wrenching cries of the mother when she learned her baby died. She would never get used to death. No matter how many times she's faced with it. She would never get over it. She was a nurse and shouldn't wear her heart on her sleeve. Death comes with the job, but it's never easy. Especially when it's a child.
She saw Joel leaning against the lamp post and felt a sense of relief. She needed something to distract her. It had been a rough night.
He frowned when he saw the sadness in her eyes,'What happened?'
There were tears in her eyes and she shook her head sadly,'A boy died today. He was only thirteen.'
He sighed as she broke down into sobs. Not even giving it a second thought he pulled her into his arms, wrapping them around her tightly.
She tensed for a moment before slowly wrapping her arms around his waist. She buried her face in his chest and sobbed. She cried for the boy they lost and for the man in her arms. The onslaught of emotions overwhelmed her. She was tired of losing people.
He rested his chin on top of her head as he held her as she cried. He didn't know what to say. There wasn't anything he could say, but he could comfort her. At least he was good for something.
'I cleaned his body.' Her words were muffled into his chest,'He was just a kid. A baby.'
He kissed the top of her head and pressed his nose against her scalp,'I'm sure you fought like hell for him. You're a good nurse. You did what you could.'
'It wasn't enough.' She cried as she stared up at him,'Nothing I ever do seems to be good enough.'
He frowned as he looked over her face. He knew she wasn't just talking about the boy. He hated knowing he made her doubt him. Doubt them.
He sighed as he held her face in his hands,'You are enough.' He whispered fiercely,'You're fucking more than enough. Do you hear me? There ain't a damn thing wrong with you.'
Joel stared at her mouth. It's been a week since he's touched or kissed her. He swore he could still taste her in his mouth. Every time he closed his eyes he thought about the way she sounded when he touched her. How responsive she was to his kisses. His skin still tingles from the way she touched him. So lovingly and…tender.
Tess had been like that with him. Soft. Other than that they were two completely different women. Both strong in different ways. While he loved Tess. She was dead and isn't coming back.
Becca was alive and full of life in his arms. Flesh and blood. Tess wanted more from him than he was willing to give. Things were different with Becca. He wanted to give this woman the world if she let him.
He turned his head away, knowing she didn't need his lecherous thoughts right now. She was hurting.
He gently cradled the back of her head and pressed her against his chest. He wanted to ask her to come home with him. He wanted to carry her up to his room and into his bed. He never wanted her to leave.
He wanted to try again. He wouldn't hurt her this time. She could chase the demons away. She could give him that peace he's been craving ever since he let her go. He didn't know how to ask. He hated himself for not knowing how to ask.
She placed her hands on his chest and pulled herself back from him,'I should get home. I need a shower.'
He nodded silently, trying his damndest not to think about her naked. He was a selfish bastard. She was grieving over the loss of a patient and he was being a pervert. He never said he was a good man, but he was trying to be. For her.
He reluctantly let go of her as they walked to her building in silence. He remembered how he used to hold her hand or wrap his arm around her shoulders. She would have her arms wrapped around him, holding him close. Now they couldn't even talk to each other.
They stopped in front of her building. She looked up at him, feeling the uneasiness settling over her. She hated going home to an empty apartment. There wasn't anyone waiting up for her. She would be alone with her thoughts and her grief. She was an adult though. Her burdens are hers to carry alone.
He stared long and hard at her. He wanted to ask her to come home with him. They didn't need to be alone anymore. He couldn't find the words to say. He was too afraid of the rejection. He couldn't bear it from her.
'You gonna be okay?' He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans as he shifted on his feet,'You could always come back to the house.' He shrugged,'The room is exactly how you left it.'
She pursed her lips as she stared up at him,'I don't think that would be a good idea, Joel.'
The rejection hurt more than he thought it would. He was used to pain. He just wasn't used to this. She humbled him. He would have to work for it. She wouldn't make it easy on him. He wouldn't give up though. He had a lot to make up for.
'Are you going to Sharon's birthday party?'
His eyes widened in surprise and he shook his head,'I didn't know she was having one.'
'You do now.' She smiled softly,'We're having it tomorrow night. You should come. She did save your life.'
'You gonna be there?'
'Of course I am.' She shook her head,'Me and Maria planned it. She's done so much for everyone here. It's the least we can do for her.'
'If you're going then so am I.' He smirked.'I ain't letting no pansy ass preppy boy step all over your feet.'
Her eyes widened as she looked over his face.'You're gonna dance with me? In public? I'm going to hold you to that.'
He laughed as he took her hand and pressed a kiss on the back of it,'I hope you do, darlin.' He nodded up at her building,'Get some sleep. I'll see you soon.'
He let go of her hand and she walked into her building. She was still sad, but tomorrow was a new day filled with promise. He wanted to dance with her. Maybe she was losing her mind. Or maybe he finally came to his senses.
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Joel felt uncomfortable when he walked into the hall with Ellie. She ditched him as soon as she saw her friends. He would never admit it, but it hurt his feelings knowing Ellie was slipping away from him. She was getting older. She had a girlfriend and friends. He was happy she was thriving, but he knew there would come a time when she didn't need him anymore. He wasn't her father. Pretty soon she would leave him too and he would be all alone. Everyone always ends up leaving him in the end.
His eyes scanned the crowd for her. He should've asked her to come with him last night. She should've been his date and by his side. Not meeting up with her like some chump. She deserved to be appreciated.
He saw her standing with Tommy and Maria. Becca was holding baby Sebastian in her arms. She was holding him up as she made funny faces at him, making him laugh.
He smiled fondly as he watched them. She would be an incredible mother. He would watch her with Ellie and some of the other kids in town. She was good with them. Kids were drawn to her.
As he watched her, he imagined what she would be like with her own kids. She would be a warm, loving and caring mother. She was still young. There was time for her to have kids.
It's why he didn't want her saddled to him. He was too old to give her a family, but for a moment he let himself think about it. What their kids would look like and how beautiful she would be carrying their child.
He shook his head of those thoughts. Dreams like that could make a man bitter. There wasn't any use dwelling on what could never be. It was selfish of him to pursue her. She should find a young man who could give her a family. He couldn't stop himself though. He didn't want to give her up. He never said he was an honorable man.
He made his way to her through the crowd. He sole focus was on her. He promised her he would come and wouldn't let her down. There would be no getting drunk and fucking someone in an alleyway. The only woman he would be leaving with is her. He wouldn't be that lucky though.
She looked surprised when she saw him, like she didn't expect for him to come. It didn't sit right with him. She was losing faith in him. It made him feel sick.
She smiled up at him as she handed Sebastian over to Maria,'You came.'
'I told you I was going to didn't I?' His words came out harsher than he intended, but he was tired of everyone thinking he was a piece of shit.
He could live up to his promises. Then again, he's given her every reason to doubt him.
She nodded and smiled softly,'You did.'
Tommy and Maria smiled knowingly at each other. They had a friendly wager of who was going to give in first. Maria swore up and down Joel would come groveling at her feet. Tommy was convinced his brother was too stubborn to admit defeat. It looked to be a draw on this one.
Joel rubbed Sebastian's back as he shook his head in disbelief,'He's getting bigger every time I see him.'
Maria sighed as she handed his nephew over to him,'You don't have to tell me. My back is feeling it.'
Becca watched him as he played with his nephew. The little boy looked just like Tommy with his dark features. She could see hints of Joel in him as well. Maria joked the Miller genes were strong.
Joel was good with kids. Tommy told her he was a good father to Sarah. She believed him. She saw him with Ellie. He would teach the younger kids how to shoot. She would catch him in the fields with the other kids playing ball with them. He had a goofy and silly side. He was like a big kid sometimes. She loved watching him in those moments where he just enjoyed himself without looking over his shoulder.
He would be a good father. He was a good father. He thought he was too old and didn't deserve them. He was still young. He had plenty of time. He thought his life was over, but he was just beginning.
Sebastian started getting fussy and Joel immediately handed the baby over to his mother. Tommy and Maria left the party to put Sebastian to bed, leaving the two of them alone together.
Becca thought about the last time they were at a party together. She didn't want a repeat of last time. He was sober this time around though.
She looked up at him. She had a beaming smile on her face,'Thank you for coming. I' glad you came.'
He felt his heart pounding against his rib cage. It felt hard to breathe when she smiled at him like that. He didn't think she would smile like that at him ever again. He felt like the luckiest son of bitch in the world.
His eyes raked over her body. She was wearing a black dress that clung to her curves. The dress went up to her mid thigh. His eyes trailed up her long legs and he bit his bottom lip, thinking about what those legs felt like wrapped around his head as he buried his face in her cunt. He should be making her feel good every night. He dreaded being without her at night.
He placed his hand on her lower back and leaned down so she could hear him over the music,'You look fucking beautiful tonight.'
Her eyelids fluttered as she felt his lips brush against the shell of her ear. She trembled slightly as she felt woozy on her feet. Maybe the concussion was making her dizzy or the glass of wine she had. Maybe it was just him.
'Thank you.' Her cheeks reddened as her eyes roved over him,'You look good tonight too.'
She meant it. He wore black slacks and a dark gray polo shirt. She was surprised to see him in black dress shoes. She's never seen him in anything other than jeans. He seemed to have made an effort.
He looked down at his clothes and shrugged sheepishly,'Ellie said I needed to dress like a gentleman if I wanted to get the girl.' He rolled his eyes as he put the last part in air quotations, making her laugh.
God bless Ellie for trying.
She smirked as she crossed her arms over her chest,'It's a start. It takes more than nice clothes to get the girl though.'
He snorted and nodded,'Don't I fucking know it.' He sighed as he pulled her closer to him,'I should've asked you to come with me tonight.'
She laughed and shook her head,'You didn't have to. I asked you, remember? Women can asks guys out. I know you're old fashioned.'
She was teasing him and he was grateful for it. She was giving him grace. Not everything had to be a battle. They could let go of all that tonight and just have a good time. There would be no crying tonight. He wanted to make her happy tonight and every night for as long time would allow them.
She introduced him to a few of her colleagues. She held onto his hand, making sure not to lose him in the crowd. She called him her friend though. A week ago she had been his woman. He her man. Now he was relegated to a friend. He hated it. It didn't feel right. They weren't friends. They were so much more than that to each other.
They sat at a table with Sharon and her husband along with some people from the hospital. He sat there and ate while she chatted away with some of the other nurses.
He was thankful for Sharon's husband Richard. He was an engineer and they got to talking shop. Joel was fascinated by Richard's work. He's always been interested in engineering. Before the outbreak, he was looking into engineering school. Richard offered to take him on as an apprentice. Joel eagerly agreed. He wanted to make himself useful and be someone she would be proud of.
They were sitting at the table when a slow song started to play. Richard took Sharon's hand and led her out onto the dance floor. She smiled as she watched the couple on the dance floor.
Sharon told her they've been together for forty years. They had four children together and six grandkids. Only two children survived the outbreak. They lost all their grandchildren, but despite it all they found happiness. They had each other. She saw the way they still looked into each others eyes. It's what a marriage and relationship should be about. Trust and unconditional love. They could've let their losses break them, but they stayed together. They supported one another through it all. They were everything other couples aspire to be.
She felt Joel's eyes on her and turned her head to face him. He was staring at her intently with a contemplative look on his face,'What?'
He pushed his chair back and got up from the table,'Dance with me.' He grabbed her hand and gently tugged on her,'Let's show these chumps how it's done.'
All she could do was stare at him in shock as he led her onto the dance floor. She remembered the fateful night at Maria's party. She begged him all night to dance with her to no avail. Only to find him balls deep in someone else. He wouldn't make the same mistake twice.
She wrapped her arms around his neck as he wound his arms around her waist, pulling her close. He didn't care who was watching them. He needed to be close to her. He had to feel her warmth. He's been cold for so long.
They swayed back and forth to the music as he looked over her face,'I should've done this before. Danced with ya.' He sighed,'I failed ya in a lotta ways, darlin. You didn't deserve that.'
She nodded and frowned,'You're right. I didn't. You shouldn't beat yourself up over it either. We weren't together. You were free to do what you wanted. We've both made mistakes.'
He rested his chin on top of her head as he held onto her tighter,'I want another chance. To do things right. Please, Becca. Just give me another chance. I…I'll do my best not to fuck it up. Just give me a chance to try. I want to…start over.'
The pleading in his voice did her in. Joel wasn't a begging man, but this is the closest he's ever come to it. This was a turning point for them. She could tell him to leave her alone. She's given him enough chances, but she trusted her instincts.
She ran her hand through his hair at the nape of his neck, making him involuntarily shoved,'You fuck this up and there's not another chance, Joel. I mean that.'
He breathed a sigh of relief and kissed the top of her head. He didn't know what he's done in his life to deserve her, but he would make sure he didn't fuck it up this time around. He was given the rare opportunity of a second chance to make things right. If he failed at this than he deserved to lose her.
'I wanna take ya out on a date.' He kept his mouth pressed against her hair as they continued to sway to the music,'Somewhere outta town. I found a lake not too far from here. I wanna take ya there. There ain't no one around. No infected. Nothing. It'll be just you and me.'
She closed her eyes as she rested her hand on his chest,'Okay. You can take me out on a date. You do owe me a third date.'
'I thought we were starting over.' He smirked down at her,'It isn't our first date?'
She smiled wryly as he stroked her hair,'I don't think I have the energy to start all over again. We've known each other for two years, Joel. If you think about it we've been on plenty of dates.'
He smiled softly. She was right. They've been at this for so long. It's been building between them for so long. They were both too afraid to acknowledge it and put a name on it. If she wasn't afraid than he wouldn't be either.
They were all in. Hopefully for good this time.
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Joel was anxious and nervous as he rode to Becca's building for their date. He was adamant on picking her up. He wanted to do things right this time around. He would go to her place and pick her up like a real man.
Just because their living situation wasn't ideal didn't mean he couldn't treat her right. He could pick her up and take her out on dates. He couldn't take her to the movies or restaurants, but he could give her some level of normalcy and treat her like a real woman.
She was already waiting outside when he arrived. His heart stuttered in his chest when he saw her. She was wearing a yellow sundress. His favorite color on her. It made her eyes seem bluer and her red hair stand out. He's seen her in this dress before. It had the same effect on him as it did back then.
She was carrying her satchel over her shoulder. He smiled at that. She always carried her bag around. Just in case she found some herbs that could be of use. He didn't want her worrying about work today. He wanted her to relax and enjoy herself. They both deserved to take it easy.
He halted Dusty in front of her and smiled down at her,'Someone's eager.'
'Someone's also early.' She cocked her head to the side,'Ten minutes early in fact. Maybe we're both eager.'
He smirked as he squinted his eyes from the sun,'I plead the fifth.' He looked over her and shook his head,'I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to this though.'
She threw her satchel onto Dusty's saddle. She kissed the horse's head as she nuzzled into her,'Of course you're eager. You think you're gonna get lucky.'
He laughed and shook his head. Ironically, the thought didn't cross his mind. He didn't expect anything today. He was thankful she even agreed to this.
'See that's where you're wrong.' He whispered admittedly,'I'm already lucky.'
He was doing it again, being sweet and saying all the right things. It's what caught her hook line and sinker the first time around. She couldn't let herself slip away so easily. She needed to be in control. She couldn't let him get the best of her.
He helped her onto the horse. She sat behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist. He leaned back against her, pressing his back against her front. He closed his eyes for a moment, relishing in the feeling of her being so close to him. He was never a man of God, but he wanted to thank whomever gave him this second chance. He would cherish her. Cherish her.
She rested her cheek against his back as Dusty slowly trotted along. She saw Tommy and a few of his men looking down at them.
Tommy had a smile on his face when he saw them. She wanted to slap the shit eating grin off his face.
Tommy couldn't contain his excitement when he saw them together. He felt a smug satisfaction in knowing he was right. His excitement was short lived when he realized Maria won the bet though. Tommy gave Joel a month before he realized he fucked up. Maria gave him two weeks. She was convinced Joel would cave much sooner. She said a woman knows when a man wants something. She could see it in his eyes.
Tommy had to agree. He's seen him with Esther and Tess. He had a certain behavior when it came to women he was interested in. It was different this time around. He's never acted like this with another woman before. Becca had him tripping all over himself. It was amusing to watch.
He watched as they made their way out of town. He didn't know where they going. It wasn't his business. He wished them the best. They were good for each other. He just hoped they realized that before it was too late.
They rode for about a half hour before they reached their destination. Her eyes widened as they came up on one of the most beautiful sights she's ever seen.
The lake was tucked away in the middle of two mountains. A waterfall cascaded down the mountain, the excess water falling into the lake below. The water was crystal clear. The lake was surrounded by a lush field of wildflowers. The raw and untouched beauty of it brought tears to her eyes.
He saw the look of awe upon her face and smiled softly,'I stumbled on this when I was hunting one day.' He cleared his throat,'I knew you would appreciate it. I was gonna bring ya here before we…before I…' He shook his head, whispering admittedly,'I wanted to share this with you.'
Her eyes widened as she looked up at him. When he said things like she forgot how to breathe. He was so sweet and gentle when he allowed himself to be. She liked when it was just the two of them. They didn't have to worry about anyone else's bullshit. They could focus on each other. They needed to start doing more of that. Not worrying about what anyone else thought and just…be.
They got off their horse and Joel made sure Dusty was secure. He grabbed his bag and blanket and they walked over to the lake. He placed the blanket on the grass, letting her sit before he sat down next to her.
She took her shoes off and brought her knees to her chest. She closed her eyes as she reveled in the warm sun beating down on her face. She felt content here. She was happy here with him.
He laid down on the blanket, propping himself on his arm. He silently watched her. She had a serene look on her face. He was relieved she liked it here. When he first saw it, he imagined bringing her here. He thought about how happy it would make her. He planned to swim in the lake with her, his hands gliding over her wet body as he brought her to orgasm, the sun shining on her beautiful body. They wouldn't be doing that today. He was lucky she even agreed to be here with him.
She opened her eyes and turned her head to look at him. She laughed at the serious look upon his face,'Why are you so grumpy?'
'I ain't grumpy.' He shook his head and sighed, his eyes trailing up her body,'I just like seeing ya happy. It seems all I do is make ya miserable.'
She frowned as she gently grasped his arm,'You only make me miserable when you put a wedge between us.' She met his gaze,'You do so much to make me happy, Joel.' She looked out at the lake,'This is one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen. This…right here with you makes me happy. I'm so happy right now.'
He sat up and stroked her hair as he looked over her face,'I wanna make ya happy, baby. I ain't been doing a good job of that.' He nodded with a determined look on his face.'Anything you won't. You got it.'
She arched her eyebrow and smirked,'Anything I want, huh?'
He felt his chest constrict when he saw the mischievous look upon her face. He ducked his head to look at her, narrowing his eyes,'What do ya have in mind, pretty girl?'
She got up from the blanket and his eyes widened as she started pulling her dress down her body. He found himself getting nervous, which shocked him. Joel Miller never gets nervous when a beautiful girl takes her clothes off in front of him. He didn't know what to expect from her though.
He shook his head as the dress pooled at her feet. He didn't look up. He didn't trust himself to,'Not that I'm complaining but what do ya have in mind?'
'It's hot as shit, Joel.' She sighed,'It's the middle of summer and there's a nice cold lake to swim in. So I'm gonna live a little and swim.'
He slowly lifted his head up to look at her. She wasn't wearing a damn thing. He took a few deep breaths to collect himself. She wasn't wearing anything underneath her dress. Did she just plan this all along? He didn't even want to think about that.
She glanced back at him over her shoulder,'You gonna join me or be a grump?'
She treaded into the lake as submerged herself in the water, letting out a wistful sigh. She turned around her back as she made waves in the water. It was a scorching summer day and the cool water felt like heaven. It's been years since she's swam. She couldn't remember the last time she's done this. Enjoyed herself.
And she was here with him. He could've shown this place to Ellie or Tommy. To anyone, but he chose her. It meant the world to her. She's come to realize words are wind when it comes to Joel. His actions spoke volumes. He didn't need to tell her how he felt. She wouldn't be waiting for declarations of love. She didn't need them. Not anymore. He gave her what he could. To a man like Joel it was everything.
She yelped when she felt someone grab her foot. She lifted her head up from the water, her eyes widening when she saw Joel smirking at her. He was shirtless and only wearing his boxers.
His skin was tanned from working outside all day. She loved his body. He didn't have a chiseled body like Ben or the younger men in town. His body was fit, but his stomach wasn't perfectly flat and his hair was more gray than black, but she wouldn't have him any other way. He was strong and capable. He was the most beautiful man she's ever seen.
She's learned there's beauty in imperfections. She wouldn't change a thing about him. God knows she isn't perfect, but he accepted all of her faults. He didn't make her feel ashamed. He made her feel proud of herself and not to apologize for the things she couldn't control. He taught her that.
She lifted herself up in the water to face him. She swam closer to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. His hands immediately went to her waist as they bobbed along in the water.
He kept his eyes solely focused on her face. Regardless of what people thought about him, he did have respect for a lady. His eyes wouldn't wander unless she allowed him to. All he needed was her permission and he would have is full of her. God, he wanted the permission to look. To touch and taste. The want was driving him crazy.
'This place is beautiful.' She smiled softly,'I've never seen anything so beautiful.'
'Me neither.' He shook his head in disbelief, his eyes solely focused on her,'I ain't ever seen anything so fuckin pretty in my life.'
She gasped slightly at his words, knowing he wasn't talking about the lake. She sighed as she cupped the back of his neck, whispering,'You need to be careful throwing words like that around. You might give a girl the wrong idea.'
He hummed softly as his hands gently stroked her sides,'And what idea might that be, darlin?'
His naturally husky voice reached a lower octave. She could hear the raw desire in his tone. His want was laid bare for her to see. There wasn't a shred of doubt in her mind anymore. This is what he wanted.
She leaned in even closer to him and pressed her bare chest against his own. His hands instinctively slid down to her thighs as she wrapped her legs around his waist. She bit her bottom lip. She could feel his erection protruding through his boxers, pressing firmly against her stomach. He didn't make any attempt la to shy away from her though. There wouldn't be any running from either one of them. Not anymore.
'You're giving me the idea that you're kinda sweet on me.' Her lips were mere centimeters from him, her breath hot on his lips.
He swallowed harshly as he licked his lips, breathing her in,'Baby girl. You have no fucking idea. I-'
She cut his words off by pressing her mouth against his. He groaned brokenly as he straightened up in the water to kiss her properly. She held his face in her hands as the kiss deepened. Their tongues slowly tangled together, getting reacquainted with each other. She moaned as he sucked her tongue into his mouth. The throbbing between her legs intensified as his large hands groped her bare ass.
She could feel his rock hard erection digging into her belly. She was soaked and she wondered if he could feel it even in the water. She hoped he did. She wanted him to know how much she wanted this.
Their kiss was a flurry of lips, tongue and teeth. They pulled away to catch their breaths only to dove back in again, tasting each other. They were making up for lost time.
Joel tore his lips from hers, his eyes rolling in pleasure as her stomach rubbed up against his cock. He rested his forehead against hers, willing his body to calm down. He could feel her hard nipples against his chest. Her heavy tits were pressed against his chest. He was in between heaven and hell.
He could fuck her right now and she would let him. It would be so easy. All he has to do was pull his cock out and slide it deep inside her. He knew she would let him, but he wouldn't do that. He wouldn't take advantage of her. He was lucky she even allowed him to touch her. He wouldn't push his luck.
She was grinding her body against his. He looked over her face in astonishment. Her eyes were darkened with arousal. She wasn't making things easy for him.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and he rested his head on her shoulder. He kissed her hot and wet skin, nuzzling into her as she ran her hands through his wet hair. He closed his eyes and sighed contentedly. He loved this woman with every fiber is his being and he couldn't even tell her. How fucking sad is that?
He ignored his arousal and just held her. He never thought he would get the chance to do this again.
She kissed the side of his face as she breathed harshly against his skin. He kissed all over her shoulder, whispering,'I know, honey girl. I feel it too.'
As if reading his mind, she looked up at him and smiled softly,'I know, Joel. You don't have to say it. I know.'
He slid his hand underneath her hair, cradling the back of her neck. He didn't have the courage to say the words, but he hoped she understood. She deserved to hear the words. He hoped she stuck around long enough for him to say them.
They stayed like for awhile, holding each other in the water. Sadly, they had to get back to their lives back in town. Becca had to work and Joel was needed and in town. He was helping Tommy and his men build a storage facility. It felt good to be working. He woke up with a sense of purpose. There was always work to be done.
He dropped her off in front of her building. He ran a hand through her wet hair as his eyes bore into hers,'You gonna let me see ya again?'
'Of course.' She smirked,'I need someone to walk me home tonight. It's dangerous for a woman to walk a one minute distance to her house in the middle of the night.'
He snorted at her smart ass comment. He knew there wasn't any need to walk her home, but he did it anyway. It wasn't just for her benefit. He was selfish. He didn't want anyone else walking her home. He didn't want to give anyone else the opportunity to take these precious moments from them. It was a rarity they were alone together. He would take what he could get.
She kissed his cheek before sliding down off the horse. She grabbed her satchel and smiled at him over her shoulder,'See ya tonight, old man.'
He placed a hand over his heart dramatically,'You wound me, sweetheart.'
She was walking backwards as she laughed,'And you love every minute of it.'
He grinned as she turned around and walked into her building. She was right. He loved every single fucking minute of it.
Joel was sure he looked like a idiot with a stupid grin on his face. People in town would just have to get used to it. He planned on being a permanent fixture in her life.
When Joel got back to the house, Ellie was sitting on the porch with Lizzie. She smirked when as he walked up onto the porch.
Ellie couldn't help but notice that he looked happy. Good. He should be happy. After everything he's been through, he deserves it. Him and Becca were good together. They were miserable without each other.
'How was your date?' Ellie crossed her arms over her chest,'And how come your hair's wet?'
He sighed and shook his head,'None of your business.' He shrugged,'It went good. That's all your fucking getting.'
'Did you kiss her?' She turned to Lizzie who just rolled her eyes exasperatingly,'You totally fucking did. Is she your girlfriend again?'
He didn't respond. He just shook his head and walked inside the house to wash up. He didn't have an answer for her. He didn't know if she was his girl. He wasn't sure about anything anymore.