Chapter 28: Take my soul, there's nothing else left.
'When you forgive you let go of a weight you alone carry.'
Joel turned to Becca and looked her over, assessing her for any injuries. She was holding her wrist against her chest. It didn't look broken, but it was already swollen and starting to bruise. She probably had a concussion and was roughed up, but she would heal. She was alive. It was the only thing he cared about.
Tommy averted his eyes between and frowned,'What do we do about the kids?'
Becca followed Tommy's gaze down the corridor. Maria was standing with two children. A girl who was about five and a boy he looked to be around fifteen.
'Sharon will know what to do.' Becca nodded,'Maybe we could try and find their families.'
Tommy shook his head and sighed,'I don't know if they have any. They're scared and barely talking. Hopefully they'll start to open up once we reach Jackson.'
Joel stared at Tommy, wanting to punch the living daylights out of him. He told everyone back to camp about Jackson. He was bringing danger to their doorstep.
Becca seemed hell bent on bringing them back though. He could understand. They were just kids. Maybe Ellie could be a good support system for them and vice versa. She's always wondered if there were other kids like her out there. This could help her feel less alone. She had people who could understand her and they could learn from each other.
She walked down the corridor. She walked over to Maria and they children.
She kneeled down in front of them. They didn't seem hurt. Just afraid.
The little girl shied away from her. She saw the blood all over becca and became frightened. She wouldn't push her. Hopefully once she cleaned up, she wouldn't be so afraid of her.
The boy stared at her suspiciously. She looked up at him, searching his face,'My name's Rebecca. I'm a nurse. I'm one of the good guys.' She frowned when the boy rolled his eyes and scoffed,'You got a name?'
He crossed his arms over his chest, refusing to answer her. She didn't blame him for being standoffish. God only knows what he's been through.
Becca nodded as she stood up,'That's alright. We'll get there.' She looked up at Maria, placing a hand on her arm,'You alright?'
'Yeah.' Maria nodded as she looked her over, seeing her bloodied hands,'You good?'
'I think so.' She leaned in close, whispering so only Maria could hear,'I killed Tess. I bashed her face in.'
Maria's eyes widened as she looked over at Joel, who was talking with Tommy and the other men,'Is Joel okay with that?'
Becca looked over at Joel and sighed. She didn't have an answer for that. They didn't really get a chance to discuss anything. They didn't have a moment alone together.
She knew he didn't set them up. When she was killing Tess he didn't try and stop her. Then again, she was already dead. Regardless of the dissonance between him and Tess; there had been a lot of history between them.
She tried to find any guilt or remorse in her heart for what she's done, but there wasn't any. She would do it all over again. The only thing she would change is make her death slower.
Tommy was talking about their next course of action. As Joel looked at Becca, his words barely registered in the background. She was alive. He found her. She was alive. Alive.
Ellie would be grateful, but not as much as him. She would bounce back. She was young and had her entire life ahead of her. This was his last chance at happiness with someone. He wasn't kidding himself to think he would be that lucky ever again. Becca was the kind of woman you only get once in your life.
They needed to talk. He had so much to say. Who the fuck knows what Tess told her? He wanted her to trust him. He needed her to trust him. They've fought too hard to be together. Only for someone that was supposed to be dead to come and tear it all apart.
Tommy looked at Joel and followed his gaze,'She killed her?'
'Yeah.' Joel sighed and shook his head,'She shouldn't have had to do that. This shoulda never happened.'
'You're right.' Tommy shrugged,'But it did. I don't blame you. Maria doesn't blame you.' Joel looked at him unconvinced,'She doesn't trust you. That's right. She doesn't blame you for this. None of us could've known that Tess was alive.'
Joel placed his hands on his hips as he turned to face his brother, keeping his back facing the two women,'You think we got them all?'
'Hard to tell.' Tommy frowned,'We're fully equipped and prepared if anyone should breach down. We should probably stop back at the camp. Just in case anyone came back. We might find some valuable information too.'
Joel nodded as he pulled his scarf over his face,'We should burn the bodies. We can't any traces we were here. Grab whatever weapons, bullets or parts we can find. I'll clean up the mess.'
Tommy nodded as his eyes scanned the area,'You think this was it? Any chances others are gonna follow?'
'Possibly.' He nodded,'We'll be ready for them though.'
Joel walked away from him and over to where one of them already had a fire pit going. He picked up Jeff's body and threw it into the fire.
He thought back to the last time he's done this. The little boy still haunted him. He was already gone way before he died, but his death still lingers with him. So many children lost to this senseless civil war. It wasn't the infected that created chaos.
It was us.
He looked over at Tess's body and sighed shakily. Every single bone in her face was broken. She was completely unrecognizable.
He could've saved her from Becca. He watched as they scuffled around on the ground. He was walking over to shoot Tess point blank in the head, but stopped himself when he saw Becca sitting on top of her.
All he did was watch as she bashed her face in with the concrete. Over and over he watched Becca slam it down onto her face. He didn't stop her. He let her release her rage. He knows she's been bottling up inside. She was slowly beginning to regain her sense of self worth back. He knew she needed this just as much as he did.
Joel felt like a coward. He was relieved Becca killed her. He didn't have to do it himself. He didn't know if would be able to go through with it. He realized tonight she was stronger than him in a lot of ways.
He bent down and picked up her lifeless body. He carried her over to the fire pit. He took a deep breath, swallowing the lump that formed in his throat. He hated the tears that filled his eyes for her.
He gently threw her into the fire pit. He watched as the flames engulfed her body. He stood there watching as the fire consumed her body, melting her flesh. The smell permeated the air. The scarf doing nothing to hide the stench.
Yet, he didn't move from his spot. He wanted to make sure she was good and dead. He didn't trust her. Even in death.
Becca was standing by an abandoned truck, silently watching him as he carried Tess's body over to the fire pit. He threw her in and just stood there. She wondered what was going through his mind at that moment.
Did he grieve her? Would he blame Becca for her death? She saw his shoulders slump and felt the sadness rolling off him in waves. The heavy stench of burning flesh hung thick in the air.
Even being a nurse, she would never get used to the smell of death.
Joel felt eyes on him. He looked over his shoulder, netting Becca's gaze. Her eyes widened like a deer caught in headlights. How long had she been there watching him?
He stared down into the flames one last time, whispering a hood riddance to Tess. He needed to pull up his boot straps and be a man. He needed to be Becca's person in that moment.
He took a deep breath to gather his courage and walked over to her. He pulled down his scarf, his eyes looking over her face. He couldn't stop staring at her. He didn't know if he would ever see her again.
He cupped her cheek in his hand as he pressed his forehead against hers, whispering,'You ain't done nothing wrong, Becca. You done good. You were so fucking brave. I woulda done the same.'
Would he have killed Tess for her? She often pondered that question while she was sitting in that room. Would he have bashed her face in with a slab of concrete?
The world would never know.
She placed her hand on his chest,'I won't say I'm sorry for what I did.'
They needed to sort out through so much shit, but they couldn't do it here. They would deal with it back in Jackson where it was safe. There would be no running. They were adults and could sort out their differences.
She wouldn't give him up because of something he omitted from his past. Maybe he was ashamed of it. It didn't make a difference in their relationship. The lying was what unnerved her. How could he lie so easily and without regret?
'Come on!' Tommy yelled at them as he waved his hand,'We better get moving back to Jackson if we wanna make it there before daybreak.'
Joel and Becca stared at each other. Jackson. They were going home. They would put this behind us. It would be just another thing they would have to get over.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
They made it back to the peacekeepers camp in the late evening. There was discourse about what the group wanted to do. Maria thought it best to get the kids back to Sharon. She was nervous people were trailing after them. She was also eager to get back to her son. She was hurt and just wanted to go home.
Tommy decided to bring Maria and the kids back to Jackson while Joel stayed behind with a couple men.
Becca argued her point to stay with Joel. She was hurt herself, but she wanted Jeff's research. She needed to know what they did. Why they were so sure a cure to work. Maybe then would they be able to fully take them down.
Joel didn't seem thrilled about it. She had a concussion and was banged up. Tess gave her the worst of the abuse, but she was adamant on staying. It was almost like she didn't trust him with something. He didn't like that. Not one bit.
Tommy left them with two of his most capable men. He gave them plenty of weapons and ammunition.
The camp was completely abandoned with most of their personal belongings left behind. Did they make the exodus to Jackson? Or did they go to warn the others?
It was almost midnight and they decided to stay until daybreak.
Becca was in Jeff's tent, standing over the basin as she washed the blood off her hands. The adrenaline was wearing off and she was starting to feel the pain. She thought she would never feel like this again.
Joel walked into the tent, his eyes widening slightly. She was topless and her bare back was facing his. She was cleaning herself off. He saw her bloodied climbed on the floor. The basin was completely saturated with blood. Some of it hers. Mostly Tess's.
There were bruises on her back and drag marks along the left side of her body. His hands clenched into fists at his sides. A fury burned within him, making his blood boil. He didn't like seeing that on her skin.
For two years he kept her safe. She was healthy, happy and clean. Only for his past to catch up with him.
'Are you just gonna stand there like a creeper or actually say something?' She sighed and picked up a white t shirt. She pulled it over her body and turned around to face him. He didn't get cleaned up.
He slowly took a step closer to her. His eyes raked all over her, fleshing out goosebumps upon her skin. He always unnerved her when he looked at her like this. He saw right through her.
'I shoulda been watching them.' He shook his head,'I'm sorry.'
'Don't do that.' She sighed,'Don't blame yourself. You couldn't have known.' She crossed her arms over her chest,'You forgot to tell me you were a Firefly though.'
Joel closed his eyes and sighed. So they weren't waiting to have this out in Jackson. Maybe this was for the better. It would make the ride back to Jackson less awkward.
'I didn't think it was important.' He shrugged,'I was a dumb kid, darlin. I did what I had to. I've done a lotta things I ain't proud of. I…killed and robbed people. I drank and took pills. I fucked and fought. I left them when Tommy did. Only reason why I joined in the first place was to look after him. We ended splitting up…he left me back in Boston. I didn't see him for fifteen years.' He shook his head,'I kept waiting for his message on the radio over and over again.'
He went to hold her and she shook a step back from him. He frowned as he looked up at her,'What? I ain't good enough to touch ya now?'
'I never said that.' She bowed her head,'You honestly didn't know, Joel? You didn't know she was alive? What happened in the barn that night? Did you help her?'
Joel's eyes widened incredulously as he shook his head in disbelief. He was angry. Her words cut him deep.
'Fuck you!' He spat out as he laughed dryly,'I can't fucking believe you would say that.'
He started pacing in the tent. He was fit to burst. Fuck, he didn't mean to be harsh, but she heated his blood sometimes. She pushed his buttons.
'How could you know she wasn't dead, Joel?' She grabbed his arm, forcing him to look at her,'Why didn't you tell me you were a Firefly?'
'I didn't think it mattered!' His voice boomed throughout the tent, but she stood firm. She wasn't afraid of him. She knew he wouldn't hurt her.
Joel looked at her and laughed,'I've spent the last fucking two days searching for you cause I feel like I'm gonna die without ya and that's the shit you say to me?'
His braced his hands against the desk. His back was facing her. He couldn't look at her. He was too afraid of what he might say. He was shaking with rage, sadness and hurt. He was tired of her questioning his devotion. Hasn't he proven it enough?
'I'm so fucking tired of this, Becca.' He sighed shakily. She could hear the tears in his voice,'I meant what I said back in Jackson. I…spent the past two days with a fear I ain't ever known before. Not when Ellie was gone in Silver Lake. Not in the hospital.' He took a deep breath,'Not even when Sarah…When I thought about losing you. It didn't become an option. It didn't matter if it was me that died. As long as you were safe.'
He cringed in self hatred as the tears filled his eyes. He pushed the desk over in anger, causing it to fall back against the tent, the contents spilling onto the floor.
She jumped slightly as he turned around to face. Tears were in his eyes as he leaned down, his face mere inches away from hers,'When I saw you again I felt like I could breathe. And you have the fucking nerve to ask me that?' He shook his head,'I came for you, Becca. I tore this fucking place apart looking for you and that's what you ask me? After all that, you still don't know what you mean to me?'
She sighed as she leaned up and held his face in her hands,'I'm sorry. I needed to ask, Joel. For my own sanity, I needed to ask.' She cleared her throat,'Are you sorry about…Tess?'
'No.' He simply stated,'I…watched you do it.' He wouldn't risk lying to her. She could always see through his bullshit anyway. She called him out for it too,'I coulda stopped ya, but I didn't. I killed Matthew.' He couldn't resist smirking at the surprised look on her face,'He was working with Tess. He showed us this place.'
Becca was alarmed by that. He knew the ins and outs of everyone at Jackson. He worked closely with Sharon in the hospital. She would have to let Sharon know. They would need to change protocol.
'We'll take care of it.' She nodded as she looked over his face,'You okay? Did flipping over the desk help any?'
He smirked as he shook his head,'A bit.' He sighed, a look of seriousness coming upon his face,'I ain't sad about anything if that's what you're asking. I already made my peace with Tess. Joining her was never an option. My life is back in Jackson.' His eyes met hers,'With you. I know you don't trust me. Not fully. I ain't done a very good job of that, but never woulda given you up for anybody. Tess treated me like a puppet. You treat me like a man.'
He took a moment to gather his thoughts. He wasn't very good with talking about emotions, but she deserved to hear them. After everything they've been through together she deserved to know.
He took a deep breath and continued. Slow and steady,'The only thing I'm upset about is bringing this shit into your life. My shit. My past.' He shook his head,'I've pissed alotta people off in my line of work. I can't promise they won't come knocking.'
'The same could be said said about the Shepards of Christ.' She shrugged,'I know some of his disciples survived. I know it's not the same as ecoterrorists, but it's frightening…to me. That didn't stop me from trying to live a normal life. If you want to get even more cynical about it; this is Ellie's fault. They want her.'
'I get it.' He narrowed his eyes,'I ain't ever gonna let that happen.' He searched her face, he wanted desperately to reach out and touch her. He wanted to know she was real,'Are you afraid of me, darlin?'
Becca's eyes widened at his question. It caught her off guard. He seemed meek and almost mild. He couldn't meet her gaze. She's never seen him uncertain before.
She opened her arms as she stepped closer to him,'Come here, Joel.'
He sighed in relief as he quickly wrapped his arms around her. He pulled her against him, knowing he was being rough, but he didn't care. He just wanted to feel her warm body against his. Alive.
She wrapped her arms around his waist, her hands bunching into the back of his shirt. He pressed his lips against the top of her head, whispering,'We're gonna go home and make sure this never fucking happens again. We're gonna burn Jeff's research.'
'I burned my granddaddy's. Right before Tess took me.' She looked up at him, giving him a small smile,'I had a feeling. I didn't trust her.'
He liked to think it was because of him, but he wasn't that conceited. Becca could read people. Even better than him. Hell, she had his number soon as they met.
'Good girl.' His words were muffled against her hair,'No one touched you other than roughing ya up?' He braced himself,'No one…ya know.'
He couldn't say it. It burned him up just to think about. He didn't like thinking about what happened in the hospital. It made him nauseous. He still had night terrors about it.
She shook her head and smiled sadly,'No one, Joel. I swear to you. In the last two and a half years, no one but you has touched me.'
As he stood there holding her, he wondered if she would let him touch her that way ever again. Was this just for comfort between friends? Did she still love him? Did she see his worth?
He also felt like an asshole wondering about this while she was recovering from being kidnapped. Maybe there was something wrong with him. He changed after he almost killed himself. He became more aware of time and how fleeting it really is.
He counted every single second she was gone. He couldn't get those two days without her back. He didn't want to lose any more time. He was on borrowed time enough as it is.
'Don't do this to yourself.' She whispered pleadingly,'Don't do this to us. Yes. I had my doubts, but when I saw you at the military base, I knew.' She shook her head,'This isn't about what's right or wrong. It's never been a competition. I just don't want any lies between us.'
He stroked her hair as he unwrapped his arms from around her. He dropped his arms to his sides,'I wasn't trying to keep anything from ya. Ellie didn't take too kindly about it. I didn't think you would either.' He ran a hand over his face and heaved a sigh,'I was afraid to lose you and I almost did anyway.'
Tears filled her eyes as she looked up at him,'I didn't have faith in you. I'm sorry about that.'
'It's okay.' He shrugged,'I haven't given ya a good enough reason to.'
He doubted himself. He always blamed himself for everything. She needed to do a better job too. She had to stop jumping to conclusions. She needed to put a little bit more faith and trust in him. If they didn't, they would never work out.
She never considered marriage again. But if he asked her today she would-without hesitation. It didn't frighten her as much as she should. He searched for her. He traveled all the way to the Capital of Wyoming for her. Sure, he had Tommy for Maria, but he came. In the hail of gunfire, it was her he searched for.
She's killed for him and would do it again. He's done the same for her. They had nothing left to give each other. There was only one last step to take.
She leaned up and cupped his stubbled cheek in her hand,'Thank you for coming for me.' She pressed her lips firmly against his, whispering against his mouth,'Thank you for everything.'
Joel gently grasped her arm as he kissed her chastely,'No, baby. That's you. I meant it. You don't know what the fuck you mean to me. I burned them all. Just like I fuckin said I would.'
'You sone always have to fight my battles for me, ya know.' She frowned,'No offense, but I made it this far without you.'
He sighed as he cradled her face in his hands,'We both did, but that's besides the point. I know you can handle yourself. I can handle myself.' He shrugged,'Doesn't mean we always gotta do it alone. We don't….have to do it alone anymore.' He motioned between them,'Isn't what this is about? Taking care of each other and shit?' He snorted,'I thought you were supposed to be the emotionally stable one in this relationship.'
'Compared to who?' She smirked,'You?' She nodded,'In that case yes. I just don't want you blaming yourself.'
'I'll always blame myself in some way. I'm sure you will too.' He pursed his his lips as he looked over the cuts on her face,'You need some help with them?'
She nodded knowing what he was referring to,'If you don't mind.'
'I don't.' He grinned as he grabbed her bag,'You've patched me up a time or two. This my turn to play nurse.'
She laughed softly as he motioned for her to sit down in the chair behind the desk. She took a seat and he sat on the desk in front of her. He sighed as he saw the bruises under the light,'I never wanna see these again on ya.'
She snorted as she shook her head,'I'm inclined to agree.'
He cupped her chin and slowly lifted it up. He pressed the cotton gently against the wound on her forehead. She winced as the alcohol seeped into the open wound.
She placed her hands on his thighs and squeezed hard, digging her nails into the rough denim. He winced as she squeezed him hard. She had a hell of a grip. He knew firsthand.
He shook his head of those perverted thoughts. He focused on the cleaning the wound, making sure it didn't need stitches. It didn't look deep enough, but he bandaged it anyway.
He cleaned him the cuts on her face. He gingerly lifted up her left hand and raised her arm up. He frowned when he saw the drag marks on her skin.
He leaned down and pressed a light kiss on her shoulder, whispering,'I'll give you something for the pain.'
She nodded as he found a bottle and syringe needle in her bag. She wrapped the belt around her arm as she injected it into her vein. She slowly released the medicine into her veins, along with the pain medication.
Joel moved her down to the sleeping bags. She rolled over to face him, whispering,'Just like old times, huh?' She saw the hurt flash across his eyes and grasped tightly onto his hand,'I was joking.' She sighed,'I'm alive, Joel. Isn't that enough?'
He closed his eyes as she stroked his cheek,'Tommy said he saw you calling out for me. You were so close to me and I couldn't even hear you. I'm deaf in one ear. I'm slower than I used to be. What if-'
She silenced him with her index finger over his lips,'We're not gonna do that. We're not gonna feel sorry for ourselves. You handled yourself out there. Stop doing that. Trying to push me away. It's not cute.'
'Good.' He narrowed his eyes at her,'I don't wanna be cute.'
She looked up at him and bit back a smile. This wasn't end of the road. They've opened the floodgates to the next chapter of their relationship. They would let it rest for tonight.
Tomorrow morning they would head back to Jackson. Ellie would have questions. New people would be the talk of the town. That would lead to rumors and gossip.
They would be faced with baseless accusations. Even Tommy and Maria would face the consequences. They were too valuable for the town to give up, but there would be consequences.