Salad Days
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Lion Heart
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Hikari paces back and forth the counter, trying to remember the proper way to serve tea. It has been a while since she was home, as well as having an actual visitor.
"Ahh, would it be okay without lemon?" Hikari asks out loud, directed to the living room, where a certain fair-headed young man sat.
"I'm fine with anything," says Yamato, scratching his cheek. There has been this awkward atmosphere between him and the girl since he stepped inside.
Yamato could attribute it to only two things: his young brother Takeru, and Taichi's ex-girlfriend. Somehow, he found himself caught in the middle of it by being closely related to both. Now, it wasn't because he and Hikari had never spent time together before. They did, for quite a few times, but most of the time it's either Taichi or Takeru filling in the silence that both Hikari and himself are much comfortable with.
And that was usually all that mattered.
"Onii-san's just taking a bath," came in Hikari from the kitchen, carrying a tray. She lays the tea set on the table. "Help yourself, Yamato-san."
"Thanks." Carefully the blond boy pours himself some of the drink. The tea smelled like it was mixed with honey. He looked around as he sipped. The flat was all right, but there was visible emptiness now that Susumu-jisan is gone. Moreover, Yamato felt uneasy as Hikari was sitting across him, watching.
"Would you like some?" He offers.
"Ahh, it's okay Yamato-san," The brunette immediately waves a hand with a nervous smile. Another blanket of silence falls between them. Hikari barely moved from her position, her eyes on Yamato's hands.
Is she just going to sit there and watch me drink? Yamato thought to himself as he carefully sipped the warm liquid. He settles the china down, fakes a cough, blue eyes roaming around and meeting everything except Hikari's eyes.
"How are you lately, Hikari?" he asks, pitch slightly unusually optimistic. The girl breaks her daydream and blinks a few times, a blush tinting her cheeks. Hikari doesn't see Yamato eye-to-eye but she answers him with honesty. "I'm all right..." she says quietly, fingertips repetitively picking on the skin of her hand. "but could be better."
It was an answer that said nothing more or less, but it catches Yamato off-guard, not really expecting a candid response to his sorry attempt for small talk. Hikari still isn't looking at him, and that's more than okay. He heaves, eyes falling onto his wrist. He traces a blunt nail on invisible lines that once were so apparent on his skin.
He quite understands. Just quite. "It does get better."
"Mhmm." Hikari lets out a soft, breathy chuckle. More like a sigh. "Yeah."
Yamato smiles. "Yeah. At times I don't believe it either."
Hikari steals him a glance. It makes her uneasy her that she somewhat knows why Yamato is here, waiting for Taichi. It makes her more self-conscious that Yamato reads through her. And yet, it feels nice.
She leans over to pour him another cup of tea. "It does go away…" she says. "The voice."
Yamato hums low in agreement. "More noise. Distraction. Anything to fill in the emptiness," He steals a glance at Hikari. He knows the feeling all too well. "It helps."
Hikari smiles weakly. "Yeah, but.. it's hard sometimes." All the time, really.
Yamato's lips curve slightly, a smile that looks like it's more for himself. The next few minutes 'til Taichi comes out of his room are spent with the two of them silently relishing the fact they are not too alone with their brokenness. Damaged goods. But goods, nonetheless.
Hikari still sees a lot of Takeru in Yamato, as much as how Yamato sees a lot of Taichi in Hikari. Yamato has a lot to confess, but he doesn't say them. Hikari already knows. Still, it relieves him that she can give him a reprieve from the guilt that's been eating him up. He gives her the same. In that brief moment of silence, "I'm sorry" is an unspoken but exchanged apology.
Taichi enters the living room with a towel around his neck, dressed in basics. He and Yamato exchange a nod. "Just give me a few more minutes and we'll go," Taichi tells him, disappearing into the kitchen.
It's been more than a month since he and Taichi spoke at the funeral. Yamato breathes in and out a little too loud as he tries to hide the bunch of nerves that's building up in him. He notes he has overestimated himself for this confrontation. From here on out, things will change between him and Taichi.
Maybe for forever. Maybe it will be beyond repair. The point of no return. This is the ending. We are done. It's over.
"Yamato-san," as if on cue, Hikari interrupts the blooming spiral of his mind. He wonders if she even knows. "More tea before you go?"
She probably knows. Yamato empties his mind for a while and nods, watches the rest of the tea drip all the way down to his cup.
Soon, Hikari watches the two boys disappear from the door, the voices growing louder in her head. She sinks back to her seat and closes her eyes. Hikari counts down from one to ten, each with a deep breath.
It was sunset. Taichi wasted no time as soon as they reached an empty pedestrian lane of Rainbow Bridge, his bare fist landing straight on Yamato's cheek. Yamato easily recovers, a bit surprised, but he catches on to it quickly. He knows. Mimi must have told him.
He carefully brushes his cheek, winces, simultaneously feeling ashamed and relieved. He pulled back on that. Just like old times.
He expected this. Deserves this, he thinks. Yamato looks up at Taichi and sees nothing on his face.
"I was going to tell you, today. That was the reason I called." Yamato says, slightly touching his cheek. He watches and waits for him, but long seconds pass, and Taichi still says nothing. Taichi eventually turns his heels, ready to walk away.
It triggers Yamato. "So that's it?" he retorts. "You think we're good again after this?"
Taichi turns around, still with a nonchalant look on his face. He takes a few steps forward to Yamato, gazing at the sun and open sea. "Yeah."
"That makes no sense. I know you're mad at me. I haven't even apologized yet."
A long pause fills in between them. Taichi sighs defeatedly. "It's not entirely your fault." He says this, not entirely agreeing with his words, though he knew better.
Yamato bites his lower lip, trying to control his temper, trying to understand Taichi's train of thought. "That's so full of shit. We cheated on you." he breaks after saying this, the bitterness not directed to Taichi this time, but mostly to himself.
"Fuck," Yamato looks into the setting sun as well. "saying it like that out loud makes me so ashamed. But it is what it is," Yamato adds. "I'm sorry. It's not enough but I am sorry. I feel so ashamed that I did what I did. What we did..." he trails off as he starts to feel the sting in his eyes, forcing them back in. "I didn't mean to, but I fell."
A small smile twitches on Taichi's face. He glances at Yamato, who no resembles a younger him, and yet still looking so foolish when in love. I want to hate you so much. "Does she know this?" Taich asks. "She said it meant nothing."
"No, she doesn't. I don't plan telling," Yamato says defensively. He breathes in and out before saying, "and no, of course it didn't… didn't mean anything."
Taichi laughs. "That's all bullshit and we both know it."
"Fine. It does mean something to me," Yamato admits, feeling on edge with how much of these closeted feelings are being forced out of him. He knew it really didn't mean anything to Mimi. But he couldn't help himself to wish. "but all of that didn't - doesn't matter. Mimi, she... she's not well. Even if I feel something, it's not the same for her."
"You knew so much. I know so little."She trusts you more. She feels safer with you. Taichi does not say these, knowing it would only hurt himself more to acknowledge it out loud. He feels like crying, but a hearty laugh escapes him instead.
"If I really didn't know any better, it's like you two have been dating more than we were," Taichi jabs this with a contradictory smile, his cadence lilting, but the insides of his chest felt like bursting. "I really want to hate you for it."
"I deserve it."
Taichi scoffs, at the same time bemused. God. Typical Yamato. He will never fully understand this side of him — the part of him that believes all the wrongs in the world should meet their retribution. And Taichi thinks maybe this is also his own problem — he cannot bring himself to spite.
Pisses him off that in spite of everything, he really cannot bring himself to truly, fully hate him. "You are so annoying."
Yamato can only hum in agreement. Taichi knows he's waiting for more as the guilt continues to eat up Yamato. Knowing him for so long, Taichi knows he's expecting some sort of judgment from god, with him being the one to deliver that judgment upon him.
He sighs, swings his leg back and forth, toeing on the pebbles as if they're football. For a few good minutes, he tries to convince himself get angrier and let Yamato pass out from anxiety with the waiting game — the scenario Yamato actually expects.
He knows he shouldn't let him off the hook. Or Mimi. But the more he tries to think and feel about this whole Mimi and Yamato thing, the more he's growing disinterested.
The brunet closes his eyes and sighs.
It's not good enough, and it will never be good enough, Taichi concludes.
He turns his heels around, back facing Yamato. He starts to walk forward on the pavement.
He realizes that he really, really couldn't give a shit right now. "I want to eat. Your treat."
They walk as Yamato fill him in with personal news and truths. When they reached the end of the bridge, they crossed the busy streets of Odaiba and head into one of the ramen bars they go to so often.
Dinner is spent with more news, truths untold, and resolution.
Taichi shares his resolve — that while he cannot hate either him or Mimi, he hasn't fully forgiven them. That he knows Yamato so well by now that him catching feelings for now-ex girlfriend, and his ex being attracted to him — isn't so new to him anymore. It's Yamato being Yamato, as Taichi would tell him with a scoff. Yamato thinks about Sora as he says this.
Taichi then adds that, as Taichi being Taichi, he did his best and had no regrets with all that's happened, and he's in the process of moving on. He also tells Yamato that with all being said, right now he doesn't have the energy or interest to dwell on Mimi or her personal affairs. For how long he'll feel like this towards her, Taichi confesses he doesn't know. He did break up with her even before knowing things about her and Yamato.
"It's not that I don't want to. It's not that I want to either."
Indifference, huh. Yamato concludes. He's a bit sad with this, but keeps it to himself.
He hears all of this from Taichi without hearing a hint of bitterness or remorse, sees and hears the sincerity of his words and his delivery. Yamato silently concedes that he truly would never understand Taichi's reactions and thought process at all. Doesn't know if Taichi's really just so slow with emotions or unrealistically forgiving.
Either way, Yamato feels he doesn't deserve this friendship, but knows that the last thing he should do is to gaslight whatever Taichi thinks and feels. Yamato accepts that Taichi will not relieve him from his guilt. That it will be his own to bear and deal with.
After dinner and deeper into the night they walked, talked some more — into a maze-like residential area, heads lost in the storyline that got them to here. The summer night is unusually cold. Taichi looks at the clear evening sky, stars twinkling down. He smiles to himself.
"Sorry for the punch by the way."
"Like I said, I deserve it."
"Yeah, but this penalty wasn't really what I wanted. Violence is always a red card in the field,"
"This isn't football, Taichi."
"I'm in a pinch between part time gigs. I was hoping you help me with uni work if you really want to redeem yourself."
"…"
"…"
"…you're unbelievable."
"I don't operate on a black and white moral compass. Hehe."
"For someone in Political Science, I honestly wonder if you even have one."
"Of course I have one. I'm just not like you."
Yamato chuckles softly. He thinks he doesn't deserve this, but he is grateful. For tonight, he tries to lighten up.
"Is it Philosophy again?"
Taichi returns home almost midnight. He's a bit tired and drained. He checks his phone and sees nothing but a notification from the JMA about the weather for the next 24 hours. He feels a bit of something with that, a small part of him wishing he'll see a message from a certain brunette. He briefly misses her. Kind of. But… not really…? Hmm. He wonders if she's eating well, or if she misses him. He shakes the thoughts off.
He doesn't dwell on it further and consoles himself he'll manage without her. Moving on truly is a lot like unlearning a routine or habit.
He opens the door and sees Hikari on the couch, head tilted up and eyes close as the mist diffuser fogs the living room a bit. Lavender, he recognizes the scent. She was wearing her pajamas, looking all ready for bed.
"Okaeri," Hikari mutters from her position, without any movement.
"I'm home," he replies, instantly taking off his shirt to wear a cozier one lying on the couch. He finds his way to the fridge. Taichi notes that Hikari looks a bit out of it. "Are you okay?"
She clears her throat. "My nose is a bit stuffy. My allergy almost escalated earlier."
Taichi stumbles a bit on that. "Shit. Did you—"
"I'm fine onii-san. I took some antihistamines before it got worse."
"Okay," Taichi fills a glass of lukewarm water for her, returns to the living room and settles down next to her. Hikari glances to her side and takes the glass, sips on it. It was no secret to anyone that Hikari often was sickly. Her immune system and asthma improved when she reached her teens, although the symptoms can come back when under stress. Taichi notes that her mental and emotional state weren't also so great this year.
Now more of sound heart and mind, Taichi has grown more conscientious about their health and welfare. Having to fill in Yagami Susumu's shoes is also no easy, ordinary task. In between part time jobs, he's not so sure if he can pass some of his pre-requisites for the semester.
Right now, these are all that matter to him.
"Have you eaten? Is mom back?"
"Yeah, I had soup and tofu," she answers, rubs her nose and sips again. "And yeah, she's asleep in her room now."
"You didn't have to stay up and wait. You should be resting."
Hikari waves a hand at him, gesturing to him it's not a big deal. "Yeah, I'm just… how did it go?"
Taichi's eyes fall onto the tea set on the table, not surprised. "Is that what got you worried?"
"Of course I was. I kind of knew what was about to happen."
"Yamato told you?"
"No, he didn't. I just knew."
He chuckles and pats her head. "Of course you did."
"So? What happened?" Hikari prods, hoping to quell the bubbling anxiety she had since the afternoon.
Taichi unloads to her his evening with Yamato, Hikari quietly listening as she breathes in the calming smell of the mist. Things between her and her brother have improved after the funeral as she coaxed him to open up to her.
"You shouldn't have punched him, but I think Yamato-san would never forgive himself if you didn't," she tells him. Despite the drowsiness, her mind was wide awake, analyzing Taichi's words.
"He was literally asking for it. He's masochistic like that."
"And about Mimi-san?"
A short silence before Taichi replies, "yeah. I told him what I felt."
Hikari gives him a sympathetic smile, knowing there's just no right or wrong about it. "You were just being honest with yourself. It's all that matters."
"I guess." He mutters.
She thinks that her brother will never be as good with matters of the heart. So easy to misunderstand. Even his actions and reactions can be confusing. But no one gets him the way she does — all the unrecognized and resolute kindness in him behind every straight face or confounded expression of his.
So, Hikari does what she's good at, lending him the ear and shoulder along with her sage advice and encouragement. For now, this is all she can offer.
"You did your bold and best, onii-san."
She hopes it's enough.
Rereading this fic from chapter 1 to the latest is so surreal (and cringy, can't believe I wrote like that back then and felt proud lol). If time permits, it would be great to rewrite some of the earlier chapters. tysm for everyone waiting, still reading and supporting my work! Life's been crazy lately, but hoping to get back into writing again, hehe.