Author's note: This chapter is a very Erin-centric chapter as we explore a little more of her recovery process while she makes wedding plans.
Just to let you know, we are nearing the end of this story. Most of the remaining scenes are written, and they just need to be edited and arranged into proper chapters. I think there might be ten-ish chapters left, plus an epilogue. I hope you will enjoy the rest.
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Chapter 39-It's Been a Journey
After a short discussion, Erin and Jay decided to get married sooner rather than later. Since Jay had planned to propose a year ago, they didn't want to wait very much longer. They picked a few tentative dates six months out, and they started making plans.
A week later, they were looking at a wedding venue. It met all of the criteria on Erin's list, and as long as Jay liked it and there was availability for the time frame they wanted, she was pretty sure this would be the place.
Hank and Jenna stood at the back to give Erin and Jay a few minutes to themselves to take a look around. As they started walking down the aisle together, Jay turned to Erin and held out his hand to her. When she took his hand, she was immediately thrown into a flashback.
It had been two weeks since Erin woke from the coma, and she was being released. Home couldn't happen yet, so she would be going to Hank and Jenna's house until she was able to take care of herself on her own. While it was frustrating to not be stepping back into her normal life, she greatly appreciated that Jenna and Hank opened their home to her and Jay.
She stepped into the bathroom and changed out of the hospital gown into a pair of leggings and her favorite t-shirt of Jay's. When she opened the door, Jay was waiting for her and took her hand, slowly spinning her around. He let out a whistle. "Lookin' good, girl. Think I could take you home?"
Erin shook her head and rolled her eyes but couldn't help the smile spreading across her face. Jay had been her rock, and she appreciated that he worked so hard to make her feel beautiful, especially under these circumstances.
Jay put his arms around her waist and pulled her close. "In all seriousness, it's great seeing you out of that hospital gown and knowing that I get to bust you out of this place. It's just one more step in the right direction of your recovery, and it shows how far you've come."
Erin nodded, but couldn't speak as she fought the tears that came to her eyes.
Jay noticed and wiped a tear as it made its way down her face. "What's wrong, babe?"
"Nervous. About home," she whispered.
Jay rested his forehead against hers for a moment. "I know you are, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous too. In some ways it feels easier and more secure being inside these walls. But you've worked so hard already, and leaving today means that the doctors are confident in where you are in your recovery, and I trust them." He leaned in and kissed her softly. "So, are we ready to do this?"
Erin nodded. "Yeah. Let's. Go home."
"Erin," Jay said, interrupting her thoughts.
"Yeah?" she said, bringing herself back into the present.
"Where'd you go just now?" he asked.
She shook her head as they continued walking down the aisle together. "Just thinking, remembering, appreciating how far we've come. I'm so lucky and grateful to be doing this with you."
Jay put his arm around her and pulled her close, kissing the top of her head. "I'm the lucky one," he said softly. He looked around for a few more moments. "So, if they have our possible dates available, is this the place?"
Erin slipped her arms around his waist. "I love it, but I want you to love it."
Jay smiled down at her. "I love the way your eyes lit up when we walked in. If you think this is the place, it's the place."
"Then let's go find out if it's available."
"Deal," Jay said as he kissed her deeply.
At the back of the room, Hank and Jenna were watching their exchange. Hank groaned when he saw Jay kiss Erin.
"Stop," Jenna said, elbowing him.
"Does he have to do that right in front of me?" Hank asked.
"It was a kiss, Hank. Calm down."
"I know it was just a kiss. But he could keep his hands and everything else to himself when I'm around," Hank said.
"They are happy, Hank. Leave them alone and let them be happy. They deserve this."
As Jay and Erin walked back to them, Jenna asked, "Is this the one?"
Erin nodded. "If any of our dates are available, this is the place."
"Great!" Jenna said as she hugged Erin. "Now, if you boys will excuse us, we've got a lunch date and an appointment to look for a dress."
"I'd be happy to come with you and watch you try on dresses," Jay said, a small smirk on his face.
"Definitely not," Erin said, shaking her head. "Neither of you guys get to see the dress until the wedding day."
Jay rolled his eyes. "Fine," he said, kissing her cheek. "I'll see you later."
"You girls have fun," Hank said, hugging Jenna and kissing Erin on the head.
Jenna looped her arm through Erin's and said, "Let's do this!"
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Jenna and Erin met Hailey and Kim for a quick lunch before their dress appointment. Erin had asked both of them to be in the wedding, along with Jenna's daughter Paige, who she'd grown very close to since Hank and Jenna's wedding.
"I can't wait for dress shopping!" Kim said, almost bouncing from excitement.
Hailey rolled her eyes. "If she's going to act like this all day, I'm gonna hurt her."
"Aren't you excited?" Kim asked.
"I'm thrilled for Erin and Jay, but I'm not going to jump for joy. You seriously need to calm down," Hailey said.
"Well, forgive me for being happy that after the year from hell, there's finally something good happening," said Kim.
"I'm with Kim," Jenna said. "It's about time we had something to celebrate. I've been rooting for this relationship for the entire time I've known these two, and I'm thrilled this is finally happening." She reached over and squeezed Erin's hand. "I don't know if I told you, but I was at the hospital with Jay on the day he'd originally planned to propose, and he confided in me about that. I tried to reassure him that some day it would happen, but I'd be lying if I said at that point, I wasn't sure."
"I wasn't sure we'd make it to this point either," Erin said. "A few months ago, stupid me almost blew the whole thing."
"Just get out Jay! You shouldn't have to live like this! You deserve better!"
"I don't want anything else, Erin! I love you, and I want to be with you, no matter what! I promised you I'd be here, and I'm not going anywhere!"
"I'M telling you to go! I'M telling you that I don't want you here! I don't need your help, and I don't want your help!" Erin said as she tried to shove him.
Jay caught her hands midair. "That's not true, and I know you know that. You can hit me, you can yell at me, whatever, but I'm not leaving you, Er. I'm not."
Erin shook her head. "This is too much, Jay," she said, as tears rolled down her face. "You deserve someone healthy and whole and…someone who can function like a real person and who doesn't have to be supervised every moment of every day." She stopped, her tears coming harder than ever. She doubled over, barely able to breathe.
Just then, Hank and Jenna walked into the house, both horrified by the scene in front of them.
"Halstead!" Hank yelled as Jenna started to rush over to Erin.
Jay held his hand up, stopping them both. He managed to pull Erin into his arms even as she fought against him. After a moment, she relaxed and allowed him to hold her as she sobbed into his chest.
Jenna leaned into Hank as her own tears fell. "Let's leave them alone," she whispered. Hank nodded as he walked them into the kitchen, far enough to give Erin and Jay privacy, but close enough to intervene if they were needed.
"Shhh, shhh, it's ok," Jay said softly as he rubbed Erin's back. When her tears started to subside, she pulled back to look at him.
"I'm sorry," she said as Jay wiped her tears with his thumb. "I'm sorry I'm not back to normal yet. I'm sorry you have to put up with me like this."
"Stop apologizing. None of this is your fault. I know you're frustrated and wish that your recovery was a faster process. I can't imagine how hard it must be to feel like you don't have any control over your life, but you're getting better every day. I promise you that we're going to have the life we dreamed about, and I promise that I'm never going to leave you. Not ever, Erin."
"I love you," she whispered.
"I love you too."
"Wow. Jay really is the perfect guy, isn't he?" Kim said dreamily.
"He seems to be. It's a shame Erin got to him first," Hailey said jokingly.
"Ok, ok, enough," Erin said, embarrassed at her friends fawning over Jay. "Let's go try to find me a dress."
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After trying on several dresses, Erin decided that she needed a few days to think before making a decision. As Jenna drove her home, she could tell that Erin was lost in thought.
"For what it's worth, I really liked the third dress. The lace was gorgeous," Jenna said.
Erin smiled. "That's the one I was thinking about too. I felt really good in it, and I think Jay would like it."
Jenna laughed a little. "Sweetie, Jay would marry you in a paper bag, as long as you walk down that aisle to him."
Erin smiled. "He really is the best, isn't he?"
"If I was a few years younger, and not completely in love with my husband, you might have a little competition," Jenna said, giggling.
Erin's mouth flew open in surprise. "Just wait until I tell Hank you said that."
Jenna playfully shoved Erin. "Don't you dare!"
They both laughed a little, and moments later, the car was silent again. Jenna let a few minutes go by before breaking the silence again.
"Erin, is something bothering you? You've been really quiet today."
Erin shrugged. "I've just been thinking. The last few days, I've been having a lot of flashbacks from the last year. Little things just trigger them, and I guess it's just my brain's way of processing everything."
"Anything you need to talk about with me?"
A small smile crossed Erin's face. "Do you remember the first week after I came to stay at your house, and the guys got called to a crime scene?"
Erin had been out of the hospital for a week, and she had made a little bit of progress during her rehab sessions. To celebrate, Hank picked up food from Erin's favorite restaurant, and they planned to have dinner and watch a movie together; a quiet night at home as a family. Just as Erin was selecting a movie, Hank and Jay were called to a crime scene.
"I'm so sorry babe," Jay said as he hugged Erin.
"I know," she said, closing her eyes as she held onto him for a few extra seconds.
"Come home safe," Jenna said as Hank kissed her. "I love you."
"I will. I love you too," Hank said. "Take care of our girl."
Jenna nodded, kissing Hank again.
"Love you. Both," Erin said as the guys left. She walked over a plopped down on the couch, letting out a frustrated sigh as she fought back tears. "Sucks," she said under her breath.
Jenna could sense her struggles and sat down next to her. "I'm sorry, Sweetie. But I guess we can pick a girly movie without any protests."
Erin sighed again. "Yeah. Just…sucks. Not. Going."
Jenna squeezed her hand. "It's hard not being the one rushing off to a crime scene, right? It's hard being left behind."
"Yeah," Erin said, nodding as a few tears rolled down her face.
"I know exactly how you feel, and if I'm being honest, there have been times that I've definitely shed a few tears when Hank had to leave like this. It's hard just letting him go to work on a normal day, knowing he could be put in a dangerous situation at any moment, but there's something about the evening and middle of the night calls that just scare me even more."
"Hard," Erin said through her sniffles. "Jay's. My. Partner. Can't. Protect him."
Jenna wiped at her own tears. "Oh Erin. I can't imagine the struggle of letting someone else be the one to watch his back. But the unit is so good, and everyone works so well together. You just have to trust that he'll be ok."
"How. Do you. Do it?" Erin asked.
Jenna shrugged. "I just pray. A lot, especially when he goes out at night like this. I also make sure that I tell him that I love him before he leaves, every single day. I don't want to have any regrets if something should happen. I also trust that there are good people on the team looking out for him." She squeezed Erin's hand again. "But you're going to be back out there with them soon, so you better enjoy the break and get lots of rest."
Erin managed a small smile. "I'll try."
Jenna walked over to the movie cabinet. "So, now that it's just us girls for our movie night, Dirty Dancing or Mamma Mia?"
"I do remember that night," Jenna said. "That was a hard one, for many reasons. I hated seeing the guys leave, and I hated seeing you hurting so much."
Erin nodded. "I never thought I'd ever be able to work with them again. I still don't get to go out on calls with them, but it still feels incredible getting to be back at the district with them. It just seemed so unattainable at the time."
"Now look where you are," Jenna said.
Erin smiled. "It's been a journey, but I'm happier than I've ever been."
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Author's Note: Hank and Jenna will be back in the forefront in the next chapter, where things will get a little crazy again. Buckle up as we head toward the end of our journey.