Chapter 104: God's Country
The fates already fucked me sideways
Swinging by my neck from the family tree
He'll laugh and say, "You know I raised you bеtter than this"
Then leavе me hanging so they all can laugh at me
-Family Tree, Ethel Cain
Joel's arms were crossed as he stood in the hallway. He was staring intently into her hospital room. Peter was checking her over. He was shining a light into her eyes as the nurse took her vitals. He could hear the loud beeping of the heart monitor. Her heart rate and blood pressure were up.
No shit. He thought to himself. He could give a goddamn what she did in her past. She had been a sex worker and a prostitute. She did what she had to survive. Ben had stolen her away from her home (which wasn't exactly Little House on the Prairie either).
Much like David, he drugged her and pimped her out. One in the name of 'love' and the other in the name of 'God.'
His hands clenched into tight fists at his sides. He could feel his pistol at his hip. The cool metal reminding him of his own skeletons. He's never pretended to be perfect. He had blood on his hands too. Blood of the innocent and weak. He stole whatever was left of someone's pride. He's killed, hunted, lied, cheated and stole in the name of 'survival.'
So no, he didn't have any room to judge. He didn't want to shoot whomever did this to her. It would be too quick and easy for them. He wanted to slowly torture them to death. He wanted to watch their blood slowly spill from their body as he plunged the knife deeper and deeper. Slowly. He would enjoy every moan, whimper and cry.
He's been to Hell. He wasn't afraid to follow her back. He would follow this woman anywhere. She wasn't crazy. Then again, maybe they both are.
He chewed on the inside of his cheek, tasting blood in his mouth. It was times like this he wanted a cigarette or a drink, but he wouldn't dare fall back on old habits. His wife and children needed him to be strong.
Ellie sighed as she walked up to stand beside him. She didn't attempt to reach out to him. She understood he needed his space right now. The only person he wanted is Becca.
'She's gonna be okay.' She nodded as she looked in at Becca.
Becca had a dazed and vacant look in her eyes, as if she were in a trance. Peter sedated her to keep her calm. She would be sleeping pretty soon. This was just a minor setback.
'I know ya wanna kill whoever did this.' Ellie sighed and shook her head,'We gotta take a second to think about who it could actually be:'
Joel narrowed his eyes, but kept them solely focused on Becca,'She said it's David's followers. We know some of them are alive. She said they're all over.'
Ellie's eyes widened as she looked in at Becca. She knew killing David wouldn't just the end of the cult. There were still his disciples to take his place. The cycle would continue.
She looked up Joel, the man she's learned to love like a father, and frowned. She could see the distressed look on his features. She knew he felt helpless.
She took a deep breath and hesitantly placed her hand on his lower back, rubbing it comfortingly,'No one blames her or thinks anything less of her. I just wanna let ya know that.'
He frowned and glared down at her,'Why would she be ashamed of anything? Whoever put all that shit up to embarrass her like that…' He sighed shakily,'I'm gonna…'
He clenched and unclenched his fists as his teeth gritted in pure anger. He needed to take a few moments to calm himself down. He felt that murderous rage inside him. He hasn't felt it in a good long while. His therapist said that was a good sign. He was working through his anger in a productive way.
He thought about what he would do to those that did that to her. It wasn't pretty. He wanted to rip them apart with his bare hands.
Joel looked in at his wife and frowned,'Who gives a goddamn what they think.' He snorted,'Ain't none of them Saints. We saw what was in their fuckin files.'
He narrowed his eyes, his nostrils flaring in anger. Ellie knew this look all too well on him. He wants to tear them limb from limb, but Becca wouldn't forgive him. He had a family to protect.
There wasn't anything she could do about her father's anger. He was pissed and had every right to be. She could feel her trigger finger itching. She wanted to blow their brains out. Becca's come such a long way. She wouldn't let this minor setback affect her. At least she hoped so anyway.
Ellie shifted nervously on her feet and looked up at him warily,'Was all that stuff before the…outbreak?' She bit back a frown,'Did she lie about being a nurse?'
'No.' He sighed and shook his head adamantly,'She served people. She delivered babies. She saved lives.' He snorted,'Fuck, I woulda been dead in Silver Lake if it wasn't for her.' He shrugged,'Who gives a fuck about what she did or didn't do before all this shit?'
If Ellie only knew all the despicable things he did for the Fireflies. Only Becca knew everything. Over the course of their relationship he's revealed to her all the sordid details. She never once judged him. She just sat there and listened. She didn't say anything. She just held him and listened. He would sometimes cry into her lap thinking about everything he did. All those women and children he hurt. The guilt and pain of it all still keep him up at night.
He was no better than the fuckers he killed in St. Mary's. He wasn't any better than the men who raised her. The ones who married and abused her. She loved him despite of it all though. She kissed him silent whenever he doubted himself. She held his face and stated deep into his eyes, telling him he was wrong. He was a good man. He wasn't like the others. She would've never married him if she thought that.
He recounted her lying on his chest, her eyes bleary, whispering breathily and dazedly, letting him know she trusted him with her body. For the first time in her life, she met a man who wasn't angry. She felt safe with him. It's how she knew they were going to be together for the rest of their lives.
He'd be damned if he let anyone dull her shine. Never again.
During the inception of their union, he almost became another one of those assholes she trusted into her life. Almost losing her made him realize how precious she is to him. No movies or photos could ruin that.
'I don't care that she did porn or stripped.' She shrugged, almost as is reading his mind,'She's still the same Becca to me. We're all freaks out here, Joel.'
He smirked despite his dismal mood. He appreciated Ellie's dry sense of humor in the situation. He also knew she was serious. She didn't judge Becca for anything she's done. She still loved her and saw her as the same Becca. It's all he could ask for.
'Where's your brother?' Joel looked down the empty hallway,'Where is he?'
He didn't mean to say it so firmly, but he was tired and anxious. All he wanted was to go in his wife's room, hold her tight to him and let her know she was right here. He still loved her so much and wanted to be with her.
She sighed and held her hands up defensively,'Relax, he's with Maria. Someone had to come and check in. I wasn't watching both babies at once.'
He gave her the 'look' that told her it was a very bad idea. She sighed and shook her head,'Okay. Okay. I'll go and help her.' She stared in at Becca, who was sitting up in the bed,'Ya think she'll be okay?'
He nodded and sighed,'Yeah, I do. It was a bad idea for her to go to church in the first place, ya know how…'
Joel didn't finish his sentence. It didn't feel right speaking about her on the other side of the glass. He didn't want her to feel guilty.
'She's stubborn and hard headed.' Ellie finished for him as she patted his back,'Like you don't know what that means.'
Ellie knew she was going to be okay. She was a fighter through and through. Tough as nails. Joel wouldn't have married a woman any differently.
She didn't say anything else as she made her way down the silent hallway. She wasn't a praying woman by any means, but she hoped Becca would pull through this. She meant what she said. She didn't see her any differently. She was still the same woman. Only difference is now she knows.
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Blood staining the once pristine white bedsheets. No matter how many times she bled for him, it was never enough. No matter how many times she cried for him, begged and pleaded for him to stop. It was never enough.
Her ass shakes to the music as they throw dollar bills at her feet. Faceless men grope and pull at her like a tug of war. Always wanting dominance and what they can't have.
They're all the same.
What would daddy think of her now? She would be high off whatever hit Benjamin gave her. Her father's ghost would be in the corner as she gave herself in offering. His look of disappointment and displeasure. Was he jealous she gave her body up so willingly? While all she did to him was put up a fight. Did it burn him with rage?
She did it because it felt good. She could forget about the shame, guilt and anger. More. More. More.
She told herself he was burning in hell. He could hurt her no longer. Her eyes were clenched shut. She slightly rocked back and forth, her hands folded in front of her as she recited the Lord's Prayer, whispering it over and over under her breath.
'You'll always belong to me. My sweet little lamb.'
David's words echoed loudly in her ears, reminding her so much of her father. A man of God who lived in sin. In some small way, she didn't regret what Benjamin made her become. She had blood on her hands way before she even got into his truck that day.
She was doomed from the start.
She felt large hands gently cup her hands, pulling them away from her face. He slowly and cautiously lowered them into her lap. He didn't want to scare her. He knew how she could get during one of her episodes. She pulled a gun and knife on him once.
He gingerly cupped her chin in his hands, slowly lifting her head up to meet his gaze. He looked over her face and frowned. She was mumbling the Lords Prayer. He's witnessed this a time or two. At least she wasn't sleepwalking or wandering half naked in the snow.
That had been an interesting story for the neighbors.
Fuck them.
'David's dead, Bec.' He whispered soothingly,'Peter, your doctor and therapist just left the room. It's only me and ya. It's Joel.'
Her eyes were hazy from the sedative they gave her. He knew she didn't like to be drugged up, but it was for her own safety. He hated seeing her like this. Afraid. These burdens aren't for her husband.
Her cheeks were red and wet with tears as he stroked her clasped hands in her lap,'Ya didn't do anything wrong.' He kept whispering, hoping he could get through to her.
She tightly clenched her eyes shut and winced slightly,'Kids saw me…' She shook her head as fresh tears fell down her face,'El, Betsy and Maria. What's our baby gonna think when he finds out what I did?'
He sighed as he sat down next to her on the bed. He wrapped his one arm around her and gently cupped the back of her head, pulling her close to his side. He rested his chin on top of her head. He couldn't help himself. He's stood outside her room, watching as different personnel came in and out of her room.
For almost two hours, he stood there and waited. He would've stood there for as long as it took.
She buried her face in his chest and closed her eyes, breathing him in,'I never wanted them to know. I don't remember any of it. I swear I don't.'
His eyes widened down at her. She seemed calmer when he was with her. He told Peter and the rest of the staff he wasn't leaving until his she said so. They knew better than to argue with him.
He was surprised she was talking. Peter said they gave her something strong. Something with the name,'Poppy' in it. Becca would know for sure. It seemed to be working though. Her features were lax and her eyes were becoming glassy.
'Who gives a shit what they know?' His words were firmer this time and came out harsher than intended, but he couldn't help himself.
Someone was hurting his wife. It made him very angry,'It ain't changed anything. Not for me or anyone else. Everybody got a past.' He kissed the top of her head,'I'm angry about what those fuckers did to ya in that video. I ain't gonna lie when I say it burns me the fuck up and I'm gonna make sure whoever did this pays. I don't care if ya divorce me or not. Gallows or not, Rebecca.' He took a deep breath, he was seething,'I'm gonna kill them.'
'I wanna kill them too.' She whispered admittedly,'David's followers are never gonna leave me alone. We have to take care of them.'
He held tighter onto her as he kissed her forehead,'Ya got people behind ya, darlin.'
'You retired. El is finally herself and settled again. Everyone here saw-'
'Shut up.' This time he meant it as harsh as it sounded,'I watched ya kill with your bare fuckin hands for me. Don't try that pity party shit now, Bec. I knew what I was getting into before I asked ya to marry me. When ya showed me those pictures. It changed nothing. That wasn't sex.' He kissed her forehead, whispering,'Ya know about what I did when I was a Firefly. The women I hurt. You stayed. You still love me. I love you. That ain't changing.' He took a deep breath to level his voice,'When we touch each other it feels good cause ya want it. We make each other feel good. And I don't want that to change. You're my wife. Mother of my child, honey girl. That means more to me than a few mistakes ya made in your past.'
She smiled tearfully, fondly remembering him calling her 'honey girl 'when they first started going out. They were two completely different people back then. They were so untrusting and guarded. It took years for the walls between them to fall down. He wasn't about to let her do that to him again.
She blinked her eyes up at him and gently patted his chest, almost as if to make sure he were real,'El?'
'Ya know she don't care about that shit either.' He frowned,'She knows what you're about. You're her mama. She wants to kill them too. She's an adult. Ain't no stopping her from defending what's ours.'
She nodded silently as she blinked her eyes sleepily. He took a deep breath as he glanced up at her warily,'Daughters of Abel?' His brow furrowed curiously,'What does that mean?'
Becca sat up in bed as if a jolt went through her. She nervously wrung her hands in her lap. They swore no secrets between them. She wouldn't lose him because of her ancestors. Peter's right. They're dead and can hurt her no longer.
She sighed shakily and shook her head,'Abel is…my mother's maiden name. Francis…he referred to you as Cain.'
'Cain was the farmer and Abel the sheep.' He swallowed harshly. His Abuela instilled the scripture in him and made him and Tommy read it everyday. It's a shame none of it stuck.
She nodded silently. Her man was clever. They underestimated his mind. Let them.
Becca let out a sigh of relief as she felt Joel's hand on her back. She could continue. He loved her. He wasn't going anywhere. Sickness and in health.
'They both offered sacrifices to God. Cain brought fruits from the ground.' She took a deep breath,'Abel offered his firstborn of the flock.' She looked up at him warily,'God favored Abel's offering, but not Cain's.'
He shook his head confusingly. He wondered if she were delivering a sermon or there was an actual point behind this. He wasn't about to interrupt her though.
He listened intently as she continued,'Cain became angry and jealous. He murdered Abel because of this. The first recorded murder in history.'
'What does that have to do with what those fuckers did to ya?' He rubbed her back,'Bec, I'm trying to understand.'
'David's cult existed before the outbreak.' She swallowed the lump in her throat,'Except granddaddy, Preacher Abel was the Leader. My mamas daddy.' She averted her eyes downward, whispering,'He died when I was thirteen.'
'He fuck with ya?'
He didn't mean to ask so bluntly, but she appreciated it. No bullshit,'He was good until he started drinking. Got kicked outta the congregation cause of it. It's why daddy took over.' She shook her head,'The women gave ourselves in offering. If we didn't then we would…perish in hell for the rest of our lives.' She closed her eyes, whispering,'I had an older brother that…only made it until two weeks old. Mama said he died of SIDS, but it's only til I got older I realized. Like Abel, the women gave their firstborn child. The men we marry are…Cains. The male. They think it'll save the world from damnation. It's only until I give up…my first born will it end. I made a blood oath to them. They're coming for it.'
Joel's eyes widened and he felt his heart sink to his stomach,'They ain't comin for Matty. Over my dead fuckin body.' She glared at him and he smiled sheepishly,'Wrong choice of words, I know.' He sighed as he met her gaze,'Ya can clock me if ya want, but I gotta ask, baby. Ya ain't planning on doing that are ya?' He bit back a frown,'Give them Matty.'
Her eyes widened as she turned around to face him. She bunched her hands into his t shirt and shook him,'Fuck you for saying that. I would never give our baby up. You're an-'
He cupped the back of her head and kissed her. His kiss was gentle but firm as he gently pried her lips apart. She readily opened up for him and he greedily sucked on her tongue, tasting her tears and the unique taste of her. He put all he had into the kiss. He needed her to know he wasn't going anywhere. This is exactly where he wanted to be.
Joel gently pulled away first and rested his forehead against hers,'We ain't doing that anymore, getting mad at each other.' He sighed and stroked her hair,'You're stuck with me. Ain't nothing to be ashamed about. I'll fuck ya on the altar in the middle of Sunday mass if that'll make ya feel any better.'
'I love you.' She smiled tearfully as he wiped her cheeks with the sleeve of his flannel,'Thank you for all this. For…loving me through it all. Thank you.'
She had a very serious look on her face as he stroked her cheek,'Ain't nothing to thank me for.' He shrugged,'We take care of each other. Ya know about the crazy shit I got into before having Sarah. Shit, even when she was a baby. Getting locked up, going to prison a couple times. Ya ain't judged me for none of that shit. We ain't those people anymore.'
She shivered slightly as he gently traced the cross around her neck and tugged on the end of her dress. His fingertips grazed over the faint scars along the insides of her arms. David would mark her with crosses for every 'sin', he thought she committed.
'You're more than this shit.' His eyes looked over her,'I don't like ya in this color.' He sneered at the dull brown color of her dress,'You deserve to shine.' His tone was rough as his voice cracked with emotion,'We'll hunt them down one by one.' He looked around the barren, cold and sterile room.
They didn't like being in a hospital anymore. It brought back too many memories. Bad things happened and they lost too many people.
'Let's go home.' He patted her back gently.
Becca's eyes widened as she looked around curiously,'Peter said I have to stay overnight.'
Joel nodded and pretended to consider this,'What do you want?'
She sighed in relief, like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders,'I wanna get a shower and fall asleep in my bed. With you. This room is where Evelyn had been killed.'
His smile faltered and he wasted no time in scooping her up.
Peter was coming down the hallway with his clipboard. His eyes widened and he shook his head confusingly,'Where do you think you're taking her?'
'Home.' He gave him a small grin,'I asked her consent.'
Peter's sighed exasperatingly as he watched Joel take Becca out of the hospital. He rubbed the bridge of his nose, feeling a migraine coming on. Half the town thought Becca was either a satanic witch or just a brainwashed basket case. He couldn't agree on either conclusion.
All he could do was his job.
Becca took a deep breath of fresh air as Joel walked them out of the hospital. As he walked them to his horse, she looked over at the church house. Her heart sank to her stomach with dread. The entire town saw her with multiple men and women. Some even at the same time.
She was once a nurse to these people. She was now a seamstress. Betsy was probably going to fire her. She would just have to resign. She didn't want to hurt the old woman's legacy and business in this town. She knew Betsy wouldn't agree with her, but she had more important things to focus on anyway.
The disciples were still out there. They wanted her first born. Francis said Joel was Cain. Cain killed Abel in the Bible. Her grandfather was a crazy man who loved metaphors.
Over their dead bodies indeed.
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Thankfully, Ellie has enough sense to keep Matty with Maria. She was staying with Matty as well, making sure to keep her promise as big sister. He wanted the house empty. Peter said if he were bringing her home, she needed to have peace and quiet. The less stimulation the better. Her mind was halfway in the past. It's memories still having a hold on her.
He asked her if she wanted to be carried upstairs and she laughed at him. She said she was crazy not crippled, but he didn't want to hear it. She wasn't crazy.
She wasn't hungry. She just wanted to go upstairs and get a shower. He helped her out of her 'church clothes.' He threw the ugly brown dress in the trash. She said she never wanted to see it again.
She was changed into a t shirt and shorts when he walked into their bedroom. She was hugging her legs to her knees and her back was pressed up against the headboard. Her head was resting on her knees. The sedative seemed to make her tired.
He took his towel off and threw it in the basket. He only put a pair of boxers on, feeling hot and stifled. They opened up all the windows in the house. He didn't want her to be afraid of anything tonight.
Joel walked over to the bed and sat down next to her. He folded his hands in his lap, staring down at the callouses and scars on his hands. Workers and fighters hands.
'I was seventeen the first time I almost killed a man.'
Her eyes widened slightly as she looked up at him. She didn't say anything, but let him continue.
He sighed shakily as he stared down at his hands,'I was working bar back in this bar in Arlington.' He scratched the back of his neck nervously,'These guys were giving the owner shit. I…I didn't like the way they talked to her. Her old man died and she ran the place. Sweet as can be, but tough when it matters.' He smiled wryly,'Kinda like you. Anyway, we were closing one night and these guys came in and tried to rob her. I ended up chasing them away, but they jumped me after work one night. One of them was beating me with a tire iron, but I managed to grab a bottle and…slit his throat. They arrested me on the spot.' He snorted,'Cause I coulda stopped at anytime…but all I could see is my daddy and…' His fists clenched in his lap and he sighed shakily,'I didn't have money for a lawyer.'
'It was self defense.' She seethed.
'He had money.' He shook his head,'I don't even know why they tried robbing the place. Probably bored little rich fucks.' He averted his eyes downward, whispering,'I ended up severing his spinal cord though. He went paralyzed.' He tightly closed his eyes as tears filled them,'I was just defending myself but we were kids. I shouldn't have done that. Just when I saw them beating up on the owner I-'
'Remembered watching your mama get beat.' She finished for him. She placed her hand over his clenched fists,'It's okay, Joel.'
She could feel his hands shaking in his clenched palms. She knew of his past and didn't judge him for it.
'It isn't.' He shook his head and sighed shakily,'Even when he said he forgave me. I still felt like it wasn't enough.' He closed his eyes,'I shoulda killed my daddy when I had the chance. Maybe I wouldn't gotten myself into so much trouble.'
She sighed and climbed into his lap. She held his face in her hands, forcing him to meet her eyes. Just as he's done for her countless of times. She understood what he was doing. He was showing his vulnerability to her.
She was about to respond when she realized he wasn't finished,'I may have set the fire that day, but Tommy was the one who did it.'
His voice was above a whisper, husky and riddled with emotion. He leaned in close to her, as if they weren't the only people in the house,'I came home with Mama bloody and bruised. She was screaming and crying, pointing upstairs. The house was a mess, pictures down and papers everywhere. I…went upstairs and saw Tommy standing at the top of the steps. He had to be only about eleven. I was almost a sophomore in high school. I ain't never seen Tommy looked that scared.'
He let out a shuddering breath and let her hands on his cheeks be a reminder this was only the past. What he had with this woman in his arms is something tangible, real. Pure and true.
'I found daddy slumped over the bed with his brains blown out.'
'Jesus.' Becca couldn't help but mutter as she ran her hands through his hair.
He closed his eyes as he leaned into her touch,'Mama got us outta there. We got rid of the rifle, the bullets and anything considered…evidence. Me and mama took care of the body. They blamed the fire on a faulty space heater. I ain't told a soul that. Not even my therapist.'
Tears filled her eyes as she looked over his face,'Why you telling me then?'
'Cause you're Becca.' He shrugged as he said it so simply, as if he were discussing the weather,'I want everything that comes with ya. Just like I know me telling ya that changes nothing how ya feel about me.'
'It doesn't.' She whispered fiercely and shook her head adamantly,'Ya took the fall for Tommy for far too long.'
He slowly placed his hands on her arms and affectionately rubbed them, 'I don't like that the whole fuckin town saw ya like that. The guys…I don't like it.'
Becca's eyes widened as she saw them darken, but not with anger nor predation. It was jealousy coalesced with protectiveness. She was his wife. Of course he didn't want the other men to see her that way. She certainly didn't either.
He leaned in and nuzzled into her shoulder, whispering,'Only man in Jackson should be seeing that is me. And I know that makes me sound like a possessive asshole, but it's the truth. Ya said no more lying. I don't want them to know how good I got it.'
Tears filled her eyes at his words and she ran her hands through his hair, kissing his forehead,'I don't like they saw it either. When we got to Jackson, I made a vow to myself. Only man I ever wanted to see me like that again would be my choice. It's always been you.'
Tears filled his own eyes as he cupped the back of her neck and brought her forehead down to rest against his,'I meant what I said. I woulda wanted ya then just like I did now. I woulda took one look at ya and know I wanted ya all to myself for the rest of my life. Mama to my babies.'
She grinned as she smiled through her tears,'I woulda gave it to ya for free. Off the clock.'
He narrowed his eyes and gently tugged on her hair, whispering,'Ya wouldn't have lived like that. Just like ya ain't living like that here. You owned what ya did. Don't be ashamed of it.'
'It ain't me I'm worried about.' She frowned,'I don't want El or Matty knowing about it.'
'What? That their mama fucks?' He shrugged,'Matty shoukd be kissing his lucky stars for that.' He smirked when he saw the genuine smile on her face. It's all he wanted,'Only difference is yours is captured on film. They're lucky to even lay eyes on ya clothed let alone fuckin naked. Anybody in town says shit and that goes for the Golden Girls too. You're gonna be the one rescuing me from the gallows.'
A small smile formed on her face and she rested her head against his bare chest, draping her arm over his abdomen,'I wouldn't expect anything less, baby.'
He leaned up and switched off the light. It was getting late and they both needed to sleep. She was feeling the sedatives take its toll and the emotional roller coaster of a day.
He looked down at her and smirked,'One more thing I gotta ask.'
Her eyes were closed as she settled further into his arms,'What's that?'
'Can I get a little dance for my birthday?'
He waited with bated breath and sighed in relief when he heard her laugh,'I may even tell you my street name.'
'So that's a yes?' He looked down at her and saw her eyes were closed, but she had a grin on her face,'Is it?'
'Shut up, Joel.' She pulled the covers up over them.
He smirked as they settled into bed. He thought she was asleep as he listened to the sounds of her steady breathing. Good. Come tomorrow there would be a town hall meeting for discuss their next steps about the vandalism of the church. He's sure that would have questions about Becca, but it would be none of their business.
'Scarlett.'
His eyes widened as he looked down at her. He thought she was asleep. She was a sneaky little thing sometimes,'Can I meet her sometime?'
She didn't respond and he didn't expect her to. There was a nagging feeling in his chest though. Arlington was a big town.