Finally got round to re-writing the first two chapters of this mess.
Will probably try and re-write chapter 3 in a little bit, but I want to get a few more of the later chapters written first.
Feedback is always welcome.
Anyway, I do hope you enjoy the mess.
Hello to you, dear reader.
Suppose I should start by telling you who I am.
I am his imperial majesty Johannes-Friedrich von Bayer of the Erebayan empire and well...also the being you humans refer to as god. Not that bastard Jehovah or that horny old bastard Zeus, nor any of the other cunts that believe they rule the heavens.
You however, dear reader, need not concern yourself with the petty politics of deities or my empire or the fact I don't act out my role etc. so on and so forth.
And that is all I'm going to say on the matter for the moment, I rather despise being a god, it's not as fun as you might think.
Now, as I am writing this the year is 1999, October the 23rd to be precise and what a century it has been. Started it off in China, fighting off those damned Boxers.
By 50 I was in Korea fighting the Chinese again, along with North Koreans and now in 99 I'm in Japan.
Thankfully I'm not fighting, had enough of soldiering for now.
I actually have quite the mundane job of landlord now, I own some student accommodation and I am bored out of my bleeding skull. Hence why I'm writing down some of my past.
You may have also gathered by now that I have been on this planet and amongst you humans for awhile.
I was on this planet long before you monkeys evolved...sorry.
I should probably warn you now that I write like I speak. I also get sidetracked quite a bit too, especially when music is involved which is apparently a lot. My eldest son tells me I never shut up about it, the cheeky little shit.
I'm also not the best of writers, so please do bear with me.
Anyway, shall we get on with this little mess that started roughly 130 billion years ago, in a universe that I may have ever so slightly, brutally destroyed.
It was in the year 5637 of the imperial calendar, a few years after a nasty little war between my people and the Reapers. I don't think I need to explain what they do.
We had come to peace and merged our two empires into one with myself and their empress co-ruling. Before you think so, we were not married.
I should never have found myself in the land of Drangleic, but I did and how was that I hear none of you asking?
Alcohol, lots and lots of alcohol.
A week prior to my little trip I was taken from our home realm of Erebay by several nobles wanting to curry favour with me.
This time I had been taken to a planet I had never been to before, though similar to others I had been willingly dragged to. You know, it was covered in humans and spoke languages that I knew, plenty of public houses etc.
I was content and so, we drank for an entire week straight.
An entire week of boozing...I'm thankful I'm not human, cos' I can't die and I also like my liver. Trust me when I say that, the amount we drank in four hours would require you humans to need your stomachs pumped. It would possibly kill you.
We took no breaks, just moving on and on, to this public house, to this tavern.
On the seventh day I found myself separated from the group of nobles and I mean really, really lost.
I, being stupidly drunk, walked...stumbled for a few hours trying to find the stupid cunts, to no avail.
Whilst my memories of this is quite muddled, the land was beautiful the way it was bathed in twilight as it was.
Moonlight crept on through the fog ladened branches, creating intricate swirls in the misty white.
The trees had little foliage on them, dead almost.
You could possibly pass the forest off as haunted, to me however it was stunningly beautiful.
Through this forest I walked for hours, thinking that the sun must be close to rising, but it never came.
It wasn't winter there, so it shouldn't have been so dark for so long.
Eventually I found myself at a little cottage, perhaps my friends were inside or even better, there could be more beer.
Unfortunately for me there was neither, only an ugly old crone cackling madly to herself behind a spinning wheel. You know, as old crones are like to do.
The old bat managed to stop her cackling for a moment and asked me a question; this being whether or not I had lost something, or something I had forgotten.
Well, I had lost my 'friends' and was sort of looking for them, so what do you think my answer was?
If you answered yes, you're wrong.
I wasn't actually thinking about my 'friends', but the fact I was feeling a trifle thirsty.
Alright, that might be a lie. I just like my drink.
I asked the crone if she had anything and was offered a pitiful amount of brandy, which was downed in one go.
The crone then informed me that if I wished to find that which I sought (She mentioned fame and glory, I assumed more alcohol) I was to keep on walking the path I'd been on.
"And where is it I walk?" My speech was slurred, but the gist was carried.
"You walked to the ruins of an ancient gatehouse, situated at the end of a great lake. You find the gatehouse and you find what you seek," The last part she laughed ominously.
It wasn't until later that I picked up on the laughter.
I did however back away from the crone, having lost all interest.
It took a few minutes to get myself orientated which I shouldn't have needed, seeing as there was only one path.
I may have gone the wrong way, for drunk me has a gift for getting lost, along with getting up to stupid shit.
Though to my defence, everything looked the same to me.
After backtracking I found the cottage and was on my way again; it took me the better part of the night to find the bloody gatehouse.
What remained of this fortification was magnificent, one could only speculate what it should have looked like in it's glory days.
So busy was I drunkenly admiring the architecture that I was caught off guard by, what seemed like, millions of fireflies burning in the early morning gloom.
I was completely blinded by the tiny pests, and to the point of such disorientation that I ran slap bang into the lake.
Well, it would have been a lake if not for the great bloody hole that had opened up in it.
The next part was like out of one of them old Yankee cartoons, you know the ones where the character is left suspended over a bottomless pit and tries their best to stay up.
All I was missing was a little sign saying 'oh fuck!' before plummeting.
Thinking back now, that hole was less of a hole and more or a whirlpool/vortex which looked strikingly similar to the dark-sign, though to you dear reader it means nothing.
Regardless of what it looks like, all you need to know is that I feel in.
I suppose you might feel fear, but myself, I felt at home. It was like before the birth of reality, a gently, warming dark.
A wondrously beautiful thing, something you will never know. A true shame.
The strangest thing however was that even though I was falling at some lick, I was being lulled to sleep by the gentle dark.
If only it would have stayed that way.
…
…
…
When I awoke from my dreamless slumber, I was on the floor under a pagoda or a bandstand like thing that you'd find in a park. Not that it matters either way, you should probably be able to imagine the structure.
The pagoda was sat within a grassy clearing, itself within a cavern.
Great trees filled the surrounding, spreading off as far as the eye could see. Lapping around their bases was water, another great lake.
The rest of the space was filled with intricate rock formations and all was bathed in a ghostly light, trickling in through a crack in the ceiling.
A perpetual twilight, not too dissimilar to Anor Londo under Gwyndolin's disgusting magic, but more on the city of 'gods' later.
Upon my first attempt to stand I was struck with such terrible nausea that flooded my entire body. I truly thought I was dying.
This is what I got for a week long bender, really good thing I can't die.
My head was filled with concrete and my bones lead, I collapsed heavily in a pile with my sword sharply jabbing my side.
The memories of the prior week also came back, with the exception of how I had gotten to my current location.
Something about fireflies and crones, not much else.
That wasn't really my main concern though, that would be the headache that would have killed a mortal...also the fact I had no idea where I was. Should probably have started with that one.
Goodness though, this bloody hangover was pretty bad.
I pushed the thought of my hangover from my head and turned my mind to answers, specifically wanting them.
Several attempts were made to get me to my feet and on the eighth I succeeded; my sword continued to break my fall and painfully at that.
I know of the phrase fall on your sword, but don't do it literally.
Hobbling my way from the stand and through a thicket, there was another clearing.
Dead grass littered with human remains decorated it, small creatures skittered this way and that.
One crawled past my leg, not interested in me.
Cobalts they were, ugly little things with razor sharp teeth that make sort work of flesh, as made evident by the piles of human bones.
One stopped close by, flashing the needle like pearly whites and received a good kick from me.
The thing's neck snapped back and it fell limply to the floor.
Several others sniffed around the corpse, hissed at me and backed off.
My first kill in this forsaken world, a damned cobalt.
This little clearing was surrounded by a wall of rock, which had a conveniently placed crack running through it.
Through the crack was a garden of all things and not a well kept one. I can't really say much though, I'm not a gardener. The only thing that I've ever planted are mines and they don't bloom into anything nice...well, a pretty pink flower that mists the air.
Most of the ground was mush, as was most of the stuff 'growing' and I use that word lightly; a small stream was feeding the swampy ground and had been cleverly diverted into the closest tree stump.
The stump had been hollowed out and made into a home.
Each window glowed brightly, a fire inside reflecting and it was very inviting.
And the smell of a wood burning was ever so inviting and so I decided to let myself in, which you should never do.
Ignoring everything else in the tree stump, I focused on the fire and let me tell you, I could have happily curled up and died in front of it.
A cough drew me from the flames, if only the gormless look had been washed from my face too.
When my brain finally caught up I realised that the room was filled with more crones and one maid, all staring at me. At least I think the crones were staring, could have been cataracts for all I know.
There was only one, the crone closest to the fire, that wasn't staring.
She slowly turned her wizened face my way and smiled, ""What did that old dear tell you, heh? That you would find what it was you were seeking here. Well, I'm afraid you will only find death as you will die over and over. Your memories already starting to fade, do you even recall your own name?"
What now?
The hell was this bint on about?
Fading memories and do I remember my on bloody name?
This old bat was fucking senile.
I almost lost my composure and flipped out at the old woman.
"My name happens to be his imperial majesty Johannes-Friedrich von Bayer, of the Erebayan empire. My memories are fine, with the exception of last night, although I do recall that old hag telling me my friends could possible be here. Wherever here actually is."
My world suddenly blurred, a horrid queasiness racked my body and so I latched onto the closest thing to me, as not to fall over.
'Deep breaths, John,' I mentally whispered, resisting the urge to vomit.
The thing I had latched onto then asked if I was alright, turns out I had grabbed the maid.
"I'm fine, my dear, just had a little bit too much to drink last night," I lied through my teeth, of course I wasn't alright. The hangover was in full swing now.
The feeling then passed and I was able to stand unaided.
The main crone had ignored what just passed and continued as if I hadn't spoken before.
"You are hollowing obviously. You will eventually lose your soul, young undead."
She laughed and handed me this strange black thing. I was informed that it was a human effigy.
"Yes...look deeply at it. That's right, it's you."
When I say an effigy, I mean it looked vaguely humanoid and actually closer to my actual form when not inside this flesh puppet.
I dropped the thing and crushed it beneath my booted heel.
"A human effigy won't do me much good, I'd have to be human first," It was then I went I naked and instantly regretted it.
That doesn't mean that stripped off my clothing, by the way. It means I showed them what a pure-born Erebayan looks like.
The problem with doing that, however, was the effects of the hangover were multiplied.
Why this is the case, considering I'm technically incorporeal, I don't know.
Quickly I returned my body and hit the floor, retching as my stomach flipped. I still didn't vomit thank goodness, but I was embarrassed.
Then made a mental note never to do that again.
The crones and maid were visibly in shock, not me being rather ill but my naked form.
"What are you?" The eldest crone asked.
"I think the word you humans would use is god," I croaked.
I really do hate saying that, makes me sound up my own arse.
"As for being undead," I continued, "I can't die."
There is something similar to death for we Erebayans, but we're not actually dead. That and it is possible to kill a pure-born, but there aren't many of us who can. There are only about a twenty of us, including me, that can strip an Erebayan of their immortality.
Then there are those of us that doesn't work on and I'm rambling about something you don't care about.
Apologies.
I grabbed the closest stool and took a seat, fearing my legs might give out.
"Could you kindly stop the bullshit? I'm lost, confused and very much hungover, I'm in no fucking mood," My temper flared and stood, drawing my sword, "Tell me what the hell's going or I'll cut an answer out of you!"
A little theatrical perhaps and the elder crone saw right through the threat.
"Young man," She replied calmly, "I have lived a long enough life not to be scared by some fool waving a sword in my face. My sisters likewise."
The look she gave me…
"Even if you are what you claim to be I wouldn't explain a single thing. Now, please leave this place and do not return. You will find someone with more answers a little ways from here," The crone's voice was cold.
Well, what was I really expecting?
Of course threatening someone unsuccessfully would end in me being kicked out the house.
The young maid pointed to the door.
I stopped by the elder crone and placed my hand on her own. Eyes widened, as she was allowed a brief look inside my mind.
"Forgive me, I forget myself," I didn't know what else to say and released my hand, intent on leaving.
The crone's hand shot out and grabbed my arm, stopping me.
"I don't know what you are, but the one thing I can say is you're not a god of this world. They have all been and gone. The Sunlight King in his far away land has flickered into nought but darkness and the other gods abandoned these lands centuries ago. Maybe we need a god to help us end it all."
She let go and I left without another word.
Stepping back outside I found another garden with a small fire burning weakly.
This other garden was surrounded by a tangled mass of dead bush, tightly packed like barbed wire and it probably would have acted like such, if I had to go directly through it.
Someone, long ago, had grown parts of the bush in a way that had created an archway and I can only assume at one point it looked nice.
Past the archway of dead bushes the cavern opened up again, not that there was much to see.
More of the giant trees rose from the lake like great pillars, holding up the cavern's ceiling.
The path was more or less defined, easy enough to follow.
Actually, if you were to stray from the path you would find yourself falling some distance into the lake below, seeing as the sides of the path had eroded.
The gloomy dark failed to hide the waterline from me as it sat motionless around the base of the path.
I took my time navigating the precarious walkways, with the nausea coming and going sporadically, each time being different. The headache wasn't helping all to much either, pulsing behind my eyes like steam hammer gone mad.
It got to the point I had to stop for a bit of a breather; I had stumbled across this lovely little beach in between two of the great trees.
It was a bit of a trek down from the main path, but worth it for the desolate beauty of the area.
I sat at the waters edge, boots off, feet soaking and it was glorious.
I was still deathly ill, but it was a welcome distraction.
The sand was soft, ash like almost.
The gentle lap of the water on the shore was soothing to say the least and I found myself fixated on a carved stone coffin, just a little way out.
My time was cut short when two fuck ugly cyclopean ogres appeared towered above me, one brandishing a small tree as a club.
That was my queue to leg it as fast as my aching body could take me. I'm glad there was nothing sharp on the ground, cos' running barefoot isn't great and running barefoot with stuff sticking in your soles is worse.
After I was at a considerable distance from the ogres I put my boots back on and continued forward.
The path, as all things must, came to an end.
A wide tunnel had been created in the rock face, not naturally either judging by the evident tool marks.
You could smell the damp on entering, followed by the quiet echo of water dropping into small pools. Some were deceptively deep, as I discovered when water suddenly filled my left boot.
I pushed on regardless and for another half hour I stumbled.
The nausea once again becoming unbearable, the only thing curbing the feeling was a sweet breeze flowing in ahead of me. The subtle scent of salt told me that I was close to the coast.
I picked up the pace, needing the fresh air over stale.
Golden light illuminated slick walls, I was close.
The mouth of the tunnel revealed itself, light pouring in and leaving me half blind.
I stopped, waiting for my sight to clear.
Dawn was revealed before my eyes, the sun just above the horizon.
I was on a cliff overlooking a natural cove; the ground was chalky, with little tufts of grass poking out here and there.
There was evidence of a fence having once skirted the edge of the cliff, but only a few rotted posts remained.
The view could almost pass as idyllic, as long as you didn't look to your left.
The dreary little town of Majula sat below me half covered by early morning mist, making it look smaller than it actually was. Only four building were visible, three small and one large manor house. More was hidden away, but I wouldn't find anything else 'til later.
Down I went with my legs growing heavier with each step, I needed a proper rest.
I passed under the remains of an old stone arch and into the town, looking this way and that for any signs of life.
Nothing but the crackling of a lonesome bonfire, but no one tending it.
I walked over and warmed my hands, not that I needed to. The feeling was nice all the same.
Then out the corner of my eye I saw a figure looking out to sea.
They were stood by a single tree.
I approached and they turned.
It was a woman, young looking, half her face covered by her bangs. It was a little like mine, with the exception the woman's hair being shorter.
There wasn't really anything else I could focus on, my vision was starting to blur.
She mutter something, 'bearer, seek, seek, lest' or some such bollocks and then, "Are you okay?"
My hangover, chose then off all times, decided to sneak up on my and hammer my belly with a damned club. My stomach lurched and I vomited, somewhat violently.
I believe I caught the young woman...whoops.
That was it, I hit the flood and darkness overtook me.
How embarrassing!
Consciousness came to me in bits and pieces, but I was never awake for more than a minute, with one exception.
I found myself plummeting over the cliff and into the waters below, that were a bit of a wake-up call. Good thing I could swim.
There was no easy way back either, so I had to climb.
Hand over hand, I painfully pulled myself up and passed out again upon reaching the top.
Unconsciousness dulled whatever sell-inflicted pain I had brought upon myself. Suppose I should tell you to be careful with drink, don't be daft.
Now, I did eventually wake and that was equally as unpleasant.
My body ached, muscles stiff, joints cracking and popping, and a throat like sandpaper.
Very slowly, I propped myself and found a beautiful little kitty curled up against my hip. The fluffy thing was purring happily away, fast asleep.
To my other side was the bonfire, the one I had warmed my hands over and sat on a rock close by was the young woman, she looked less than happy.
I tried to to say something, but was reduced to a hacking cough.
The kitty was very much startled and bolted to it's feet, glaring angrily at me in the way only cats can, you know the one.
It was staring and then spoke…
"You could have warned me! I was very happy there."
...That cat spoke. Perhaps I was still feeling the effects of alcohol, thus I ignore the cat.
In my stupor, the young woman had gone off into the closest building and returned with a pewter mug, filled with water.
Water, cool and refreshing ran down the old gullet, such a glorious thing it was.
What I really needed to be alright was a classic bacon sandwich, with all the grease. That's the true miracle cure.
Placing down the mug, I looked over to the woman and managed a 'sorry' in a rather weak voice.
"Three long days," She kept her voice low and repeated, "Three long days, you were in and out of consciousness and you've been nothing but trouble."
I had a feeling she wasn't that happy with me.
A light blush formed on my cheeks, though on my pale skin it looked like I was glowing.
"Trouble?" I swallowed.
The woman's eyes narrowed.
"Firstly, you turn up in such an abhorrent state, you then proceeded to vomit everywhere, including on me and then you pass out. After that I was trying to make sure you didn't kill your self. By the way, did you enjoy your swim yesterday?"She sneered, "You really did try your best to end your own life, but here you are...alive."
She sighed and kicked up dirt.
"What are you doing here? There's no dark-sign on your body, meaning you're not undead."
I didn't fucking know and I told her such.
"And what's a dark-sign when it's at home? Also a hollow for that matter?"
"Are you touched?" The woman groaned, "A hollow was someone afflicted by the undead curse, they die and resurrect. Every time they come back, they lose part of their soul, eventually hollowing, becoming mindless and attack anything. They are known by the dark-sign which brands their bodies."
I blinked several times in response the her answer, "I'm sorry you've lost me again...souls?"
"You really don't have a clue about this place, do you?" Her brow furrowed, realising that I shouldn't be in the land of Drangleic.
"I just want to find my friends and go home, there haven't been any fellows like me that have come through," I stood, letting the blanket I had been wrapped in pooled round my feet and went naked briefly. On returning to my normal body, I found that too was naked and the clothes I had been wearing were neatly folded next to the pooled blanket.
The young woman had a mix of shock and embarrassment on her face, then threw her hands up shielding her eyes.
I still don't understand you humans and your modesty, it's a fucking body, it's natural.
To save the poor woman from dying of shock, I put my clothes back on. Come to think of it, she stripped me in the first place, thus she would have already seen me.
It don't matter.
I then explained what I was, before she could ask that bleeding question.
"And I gather that this dark sign appears on the body somewhere and you didn't find it when you took my clothes off. Thank you for removing and drying them anyway, would have been frightful if I'd caught a col-"
The woman punched me, which is understandable. It wasn't a good punch though and I think she hurt her hand a little.
"Do you think you're funny, bastard!" She spat, "And if it were up to me, I would have tossed you back into the sea."
"Now, now," The cat raised her head, sleepily, "I asked you to look after this strange fellow."
The cat brushed up against my leg.
I picked the ball of fluff up, until we were face to face.
"Just to put my mind at ease, you did just speak?"
The kitty sniffed at me a few times and I started to worry that I was going mad.
"Yes, I did speak. My name's Shalquoir, some say sweet," The cat wriggled and so I put her down, "The girl in the green cloak is Shanalotte. She is a guide to those undead, unfortunate enough to find themselves in this land."
This Shanalotte huffed, pulled the cloak's hood up and sat back on her rock.
"I couldn't just let Shanalotte leave you in such a state," Shalquoir continued, "You have such a curious scent, not human and not a lord, I couldn't help be be intrigued."
Oh that's lovely. I wasn't looked after because of common decency, but because I had a nice scent.
"And now I know what you are...well, I don't, but you're not undead. You said a god, yes" The cat asked, hopping up onto Shanalotte's knee.
I nodded.
"My, we've had plenty through here, but never a god."
The woman in the green cloak scoffed, "For all we know it could be some form of allusion magic"
Did she just call me a wytch?
She bloody well did!
I kept myself calm; I wouldn't threaten her like I had the crones. She didn't know of my dislike of magic users.
"One of my kind, a long time ago, met a similar being," Shalquoir looked up at me, "What she described, both smell and sight are similar."
That couldn't be true though. If an Erebayan had been here before, we would have all know about it.
"A void-born wanderer," The ball of fluff followed up with, then fell quickly asleep
It had to be someone else. Had to be!
I passed the notion off a fanciful and tried to change the topic.
"So, what's going on here?"
Shanalotte huffed and spewed forth some bored rhetoric, as if she had said the lines thousands of times before.
"This land is in the grips of a curse, you are also suffering," She stopped and corrected herself, "Those suffering from the curse are drawn here. They come here in search of a cure, to seek the king and great souls, so that they may become powerful enough to fight on."
Seek greater and more powerful souls, those were the words she had spoken to me before my little blackout.
I asked about the curse itself, but the brunette before me had no idea except it was ancient and it had perhaps come from another land. Don't you just hate it went foreign plagues make their way to your land and wipe out most of the population. At least with the black death the buggers actually stayed dead. Another parallel being that medical science wasn't really a thing yet, not that I think medical science can explain un-death. Not even my lot have been able to figure that part out, just that it's incredibly wrong. Less on that for now though.
This problem, I thought, wasn't really mine. All I needed to do was find a way to get home and continue avoiding being an emperor. That's where my problem began, I didn't exactly know how to get home and neither did the herald.
"Not my concern," She brushed away a strand of hair, "I only guide the poor, unfortunate wretches that filter in. You are not one of them, so I don't care."
Frigid bitch.
"Well then, it looks like me and you are going to be here a long time. Why don't we get to know each other better."
The woman cleared her throat and pointed to a dip, leading away from Majula. This dip coincided with a path.
"Perhaps you should go that way."
I had the funniest feeling that the woman didn't want me hanging around.
"There's a coastal fortress not four days walk away. Perhaps you may find something there, to help you get home."
Oh well, of course I took a bite of the bate. Anything to get home, yes?
The prospect of home out did anything else I was thinking at the time and so I jumped to my feet, ready to go.
Making sure that the dip was the correct way to go, I set off, turning on my heels and walked backwards. I had been frightfully rude.
"It seems I have neglected to tell you my name, you who have cared for me these past few days. I am his imperial majesty Johannes-Friedrich von Bayer," Still walking backwards, I gave a dramatic bow and promptly fell flat on my arse.
In my want to be a show off, so to say, I neglected my sword which had found itself tangled round my leg and tripped me up.
The herald never battered an eyelid, nor did she ask me if I was alright. In fact she turned away from me, stroking away at the cat.
I just continued on my merry way, after dusting myself off and making sure my breeches had no tears in them. The ground was quite rocky and well, no-one really wants to see my bum on display.
And so, I entered the underground passage on the way to my target destination, not once thinking that Shanalotte had only told me to find the fortress to get me out of her hair.
This fact wouldn't dawn on me for some time, thus I forged on in hope I would be home within the week.