Chapter 2 - The White Hilltop
There was darkness around him. He could feel his heart thumping in his chest, his wretched body threatening to give out at each step; the damp smell of earth and the familiar scent of his own blood clinging to his shoulders like a heavy blanket.
Severus sneered, his filthy hair getting tangled in the small roots covering the ceiling as he proceeded down that tunnel.
This will not do, he thought, cursing the pathetic state of his teenage form. He couldn't honestly remember being this weak.
He was panting, his hand shaking as he clutched his knobbly knees. Despite his blotchy vision, it was in that moment that he noticed for the first time the filthy clothes covering him.
Severus' lips pursed, an ugly flush spreading through his cheeks. Amusing, he thought. He eyed the school uniform that covered his figure with nothing short of loathing. He had been de-aged and dressed like a child. Despite his exhaustion, Severus could feel his blood boiling.
The uniform was so filthy that he wondered who might have gone such length to undress him, removing his clothes for no other apparent reason than laugh at the sight of Severus Snape's now pubescent body.
He gritted his teeth, the anger and embarrassment he was feeling not dissimilar to the day in which James Potter and his gang had stripped him in front of the whole school, his genitals exposed for all the school to see. What an amusing sight indeed, Severus considered, unable to repress a shudder.
He briefly wondered what sort of twisted bastard might enjoy the sight of his naked teenage body. The thought caused him to bristle and recoil at the same time. He shuddered, forcing himself to focus on the present, his body screaming in protest as he tried to take another step.
Cold sweat was running down his face and back, the walls seemingly swaying all around him. Dark splotches appeared in his vision, so that all of a sudden, he had the impression he was going blind. He stalled, his fingers digging in the damp earth covering the passage walls around him. He tried to use the roots sprouting from the walls to keep himself upright, his body growing colder by the minute.
He took another few steps until his foot caught a thick root. He tried to free himself, but he could no longer will his body to move clearly. Before he knew it, he was falling; he felt a sharp pain on the side of his head, and then everything turned black.
'Ah, Severus, I was starting to fear I would not be able to talk to you' said a voice through the darkness.
Severus opened his eyes, closing them straightaway, the blinding light around him so intense that for a moment he felt as though he had looked straight into the morning sun.
He squeezed his eyes shut, red and yellow splotches appearing in his vision as his eyes painfully adjusted to the unwelcome brightness. He shielded his face with his right arm, his lips parting as his eyes found the tall, blurry figure of a man.
The man smiled; the sound of his footsteps lost in the silence that followed.
'Albus?' he muttered, his voice shaking with disbelief.
Dumbledore opened his arms, his eyes clear and bright in that unearthly light. For a moment Severus could only stare at him, his stomach churning at the sight of the man he had killed. He resisted the idiotic urge to pinch his arm, he knew that was no dream. Over the years, he'd become so dependent on Occlumency and Dreamless Sleep that he rarely dreamt anymore; and when he did, it was nothing but nightmares.
He must've been either delusional or dead, or perhaps a combination of the two. Whichever it was, Severus would not indulge this delirium.
'You died' he said scathingly, cursing himself when he was once again reminded that it had been him, the one to kill him. And now, if he was seeing Dumbledore, he was likely as dead as he was. Oh, how he'd loathed Dumbledore that day, hatred contorting his features as he'd taken his life. The Unbreakable vow had tightened its grasp on his heart as soon as Draco's resolution had shuttered. And Dumbledore had had the gall to smile, never mind the burden placed on his soul.
Well, he supposed he ought to be glad it was finally over. Severus shuddered. He could feel his heart constricting in his chest, a tremor shaking his hands before he managed to Occlude those thoughts. The feeling of loathing however did not go away; Severus had never been one to forgive easily.
Dumbledore's expression was both sombre and serene as he gave a small nod, the smile not fading from his lips.
Severus grimaced, the impossibility of their current predicament causing him to swallow his own bile for he too must've died. He sneered, his mouth twisting as though he'd tasted something bitter. He could vaguely recall waking up in the shack, miraculously alive if not a good two decades younger than he should have been.
He frowned. He had entered the tunnel, crawling until his young and broken body had been unable to keep going. It was only then that he remembered falling. He had hit the ground, and the last thing he could recall was the stabbing pain on the left side of his head.
Killed by a rock, what a pathetic way to kick the bucket, he thought, bristling. He sincerely hoped that people would refrain from writing that on his grave. Not that it would have mattered, he was of course unlikely to be found. He would likely rot there, his face devoured by filthy creatures. Had he been delirious? A part of him was hoping he had.
There was irony in the fact that he had almost died in that tunnel many years before; irony in the fact that Lily would have probably still been alive if he had. And here he was, only two decades two late.
Severus' expression visibly darkened when Dumbledore, oblivious to the macabre nature of his thoughts, gave him another small smile.
'No need to be upset, Severus. You have done well, very well indeed' he said kindly, the statement so inexplicably wrong that Severus' expression darkened even more, his lips tightening in a white line.
He stared at Dumbledore, anger prickling through him. It was a familiar feeling, a sensation he punctually encountered whenever Dumbledore jovially brushed aside important matters. Such as his brilliant plan of asking Severus to kill him, Severus' mind promptly supplied. Indeed, the infuriating man had often discussed the deed as one would talk about the weather.
Alas, Severus had never been known to take such matters lightly.
For what was there to smile? Indeed, he would've preferred if Dumbledore had shown anger, anything but that infuriating smile. Had he not failed to fulfil his duty? He had sent the boy to die. He had sacrificed everything he'd ever stood for and sent Lily's boy to his death in the name of war. She must've been rolling in her grave, because even though Severus had hated the boy, he had never wanted him to die.
All things considered; he most certainly had not done well.
He stared at Dumbledore, trying to detect any sign of insanity; he bitterly wondered whether the older man had finally gone senile.
'I died' Severus said coldly.
'Well, yes, you technically did die, my boy. But you see, you are not currently dead, merely unconscious. And luckily for us, I would dare say. Were you not still on the verge of death, I doubt you would remember this conversation'
There was a pause. Dumbledore sighed.
'You have been brought back, Severus. A second chance, if you wish'
Severus stared at the man who had been his only ally, his mind replaying those words without understanding. He took a deep breath. He had died, but he wasn't dead. His jaw twitched, what did that even mean? Why did he have the feeling they had already had this conversation? One thing was certain, Dumbledore did not seem to have lost his fondness for being purposefully cryptic. He forced himself to look into those bright eyes, trying to detect the hints of a lie, but once again, Dumbledore's concerned look seemed to be quite genuine.
'Why?' he forced himself to say, his lips barely moving. He startled when his voice shook.
'I did everything you asked of me. I gave him my memories and sent the boy to his death. By now Potter is probably as dead as I am… or as I was, if, somehow, you have miraculously managed to bring me back', he said, his words heavy with irony; but there was also bitterness.
He couldn't help himself. He would have never asked to be brought back; he had been ready to die. He would have welcomed death and Dumbledore in all his infinite wisdom, must have known it. There was nothing left for him to live now.
Dumbledore looked at him with pity.
'I broke my vow, Dumbledore, and on your orders' he added.
He had lived the entirety of his adult life trying to make amends, only to find out that not even death would be enough to redeem him. Was he destined to be brought back until the end of time? It sounded like the beginning of a nightmare. And the thought that there could be someone with such a power was nothing short of terrifying.
Dumbledore looked taken aback. Severus' lips twisted in an angry grimace as he spoke.
'I know what you want me to do, Dumbledore and I cannot. Look at me. How am I to protect the students or provide the necessary aid to the Order? Why bring me back if I am hardly of any use to anyone? Am I not even allowed to die now? What else could you possibly still want from me?' he said, startled when he realised he was now shaking with barely suppressed anger.
For a moment Dumbledore merely stared at him. Severus grimaced, mouth twisted unpleasantly, as he regretted his emotional display.
'I keep underestimating you, Severus. But no, you misunderstand me, you do not need to do anything you don't want to. And Harry is quite well, actually. Did you know that he named his second child after the both of us?' Dumbledore mused, stroking his long beard.
Severus blinked; his mouth frozen in shock. Whatever he had expected Dumbledore to say, it had not been this, for he could not have heard correctly. Potter, had had a… child? In the middle of a war? Dumbledore smiled, nodding slightly.
'Oh, yes. He has been particularly stubborn in clearing your name. Wouldn't hear a word against you' he said lightly.
Severus stared, finding himself unable to reply.
'Not unlike myself, you have made many mistakes, Severus. You have spent half your life trying to atone for your crimes. Now, we normally find some form of closure in death, but your unique capacity to love and unwillingness to forgive made you an exception to this rule. You see, Severus… you were in the most unusual position, because death wouldn't have granted you peace. Wizards and witches like you, unable to find closure, are usually encouraged to roam the earth in the form of ghosts, but there was nothing in the present time that would have allowed you to eventually find peace. What I'm trying to say, Severus, is that your soul was too broken by pain and misery to move on. I acknowledge that my request did not ease your burden and I ask you to forgive me' Dumbledore said, looking at him with haunted eyes.
Once again, Severus did not reply. He swallowed. He had a strong desire to say that yes, Dumbledore's request had certainly not helped him in finding peace, but he knew that he'd be damned far before that. No peace, not even in death, he thought, bitterly. His father would have laughed; he'd always said that Severus and his witch of a mother had come from the devil. It was only natural Severus would suffer for eternity.
Some things were hard to forget. Severus had never believed in Heaven. He still remembered telling his father that even if there had been such a place, Tobias would not have ended up there. The statement had earned him one of the worst beatings of his life.
Dumbledore stared at him with something akin to sadness.
'You do not deserve damnation, my boy, but your soul was parted between what had been and what could've been. You have been stuck in this place for a while, at least until the Fates concluded it would be highly dangerous for you to dwell here any further. I am merely here as a guide, a sort of Charon if you wish. I guide the lost souls, so that mine might find peace. You will be going down a different road; back to a time that would allow you to find closure. It is most unusual, but nonetheless possible. You're very lucky' he finished, his voice shaking slightly before he gave him a sad smile.
Severus frowned, looking at the ground as he tried to process the information Dumbledore had given him. His hair swayed slightly as though moved by a gentle breeze, the frown on his face darkened even more. Was it grass under his feet?
"A time that would allow you to find peace…"
Severus pursed his lips.
'I deserve nothing' he said after a while, looking truly angry for the first time in the conversation.
Dumbledore sighed, considering him with a resigned look, a look that did nothing to improve his disposition, for what had Dumbledore been expecting? Surely, he could not have really thought Severus would not question him. And indeed, it was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard. A second chance given to him for his unique capacity to love. A second chance given to him for having spent his life wallowing in his own-created misery. Severus' lips curled in a scornful sneer.
He did not deserve a second chance. He deserved every ounce of misery he had ever gotten and more.
He glared at Dumbledore, looking disgusted. He had long since come to terms with the knowledge that as long as he lived, he would never find peace. If Dumbledore thought that bringing him back to life would allow him to forget everything he had ever done in his past, then he truly was as much of a fool as the Dark Lord believed.
'I believe you should have realised by now exactly how far back you travelled' Dumbledore said gently, a kind expression on his face.
Severus felt a mad rush of anger, refusing to acknowledge that Dumbledore might be telling the truth. Then there was hope; he felt it before he could even recognise what it was. His was heart hammering in his chest as he struggled to keep his mind occluded. Everything to deny that impossible notion.
She was dead and so was he, he couldn't have been young again, because that would've meant…
Severus' fingers twitched. He closed his hands into fists as his body trembled with fury. It was utter madness. A twisted form of punishment meant to give him hope and take it away. Anger coursed inside his body, flowing in his veins like lava, until he could not control himself any longer.
'You are not making any sense, Dumbledore! Or am I really to believe that someone would bring me back for no other reason than the integrity of my soul? What a bunch of nonsense!' he snarled, his voice dripping with sarcasm as he spat the last words with all the contempt he could muster, which, considering his personality, was quite a lot.
Dumbledore looked at him with a wan smile, a note of sadness shining in his blue eyes as he sighed.
'It's a pity your extraordinary capacity to love does not extend over to yourself, Severus, but as I said, it's already done'
Severus' heart faltered; his heart beating so fast that he suddenly felt lightheaded. He closed his eyes, shaking his head as though suppressing the sliver of hope swelling in his chest. That could not be true. Frustration washed over his features as his dark eyes fixed on the Headmaster.
His extraordinary capacity to love, he thought, scornfully. She could not be alive and neither could he. There was no travelling back that far without losing oneself to madness; and of all the reasons that could have been given to him to justify this folly…
Not even Dark Magic had ever allowed wizards to alter the course of time this much. Had the memory of his youthful face not been still imprinted in his mind, Severus would've refused to believe that such thing could even be done.
He pursed his lips. Had he truly travelled backwards? That would explain the complete lack of screams and signs of a battle as well as the new moon. It would be moronic to completely disregard the possibility. But a second chance given for no other reason than his own… happiness? Severus was struggling to believe such a thing, for Dumbledore couldn't have been serious.
Unless…
'What about the Dark Lord?' he snapped, his voice cold.
'What about him?' Dumbledore asked calmly, his gaze wondering to their surroundings as though Severus had just asked him what he thought of a particularly shaped cloud.
Severus' mouth set in a very hard line, his face a stark contrast to the older wizard's apparently serene features.
Death must have done something to him, Severus considered, fighting the urge to curse the other man. It was either that or Dumbledore was deliberately trying to see how long it would take for him to walk away and refuse to listen to any more of that nonsense. Severus gritted his teeth. Admittedly, he suspected it was most likely the latter.
'The prophecy. You are telling me that I am free to do as I wish, but I am no fool, Dumbledore. Time cannot be rewritten. Not now and most certainly not when a prophecy is involved. Do not fool yourself into thinking that I am not aware of it. I turned my back to the Dark Lord, I did all in my power to stop him, and she still died. Everything we tried to do… everything I… it was all pointless. She is destined to have Potter's spawn and die for him and I refuse to watch it happen again. Or is this a new twisted form of punishment?' he spat, his voice breaking.
'And even in the case that was true what about this future?' he continued, 'Has it all been for nothing? Because if that's your second chance, Dumbledore, I neither want it nor need it. I would gladly die ten times over than go through it again' he snarled, his chest heaving in anger.
Dumbledore stared at him, his eyes shining with something akin to sympathy.
'Time is not written in stone, Severus. You should know better than anyone that we are nothing more than whoever we choose to be. You are placing too much weight on a single prophecy. Tom made a terrible mistake when he decided to act upon it, for no power in the world could have forced him to murder Lily and James Potter. As no power in the world will force you to step aside and watch them being murdered. As a matter of fact, I'm afraid that unless you can recall everything you have done in the past twenty-two years and choose to act accordingly, it is unlikely that history will repeat itself. Time is a very fragile thing, trying to control it wouldn't be any easier than getting a hold on thin air' he said, his long fingers brushing the intangible light surrounding them.
Severus scowled; his mind flooded by hundreds of thoughts as he averted his gaze. It all sounded too good to be truth, he thought as he begrudgingly forced himself to consider Dumbledore's words. Even if he would rather die than deliver the blasted prophecy again, there was no way of knowing whether or not that pathetic excuse of a seer would blather it in front of the Dark Lord himself. Severus sneered. Of course, nothing would stop him from strangling Sybill Trelawney before she could even utter a single word about the possible outcome of the future. He would take care of the matter with the utmost pleasure, he considered, snidely.
He had abhorred that insufferable woman… both her and her moronic predictions of doom and death… staring at him as though his only purpose in life was to spy on her, convinced that he had no better things to occupy his time with, thinking he was trying to steal her trinkets. No, no one could possibly miss such a woman, her insufferable death predictions making her an unpleasant presence amongst staff and students alike.
Indeed, Severus had to admit that the thought of closing his hands around her throat was strangely pleasing, that would permanently keep her from talking, he thought cruelly.
His fantasies must've been clearly written on his face because Dumbledore gave him a reproachful look, not nearly as amused by his murderous thoughts as Severus had seemed.
'Now, now, Severus, there is no need to show such resentment towards a fellow teacher. You see, there is no way of knowing whether this time, there will be a prophecy at all. Your presence in the past will create a ripple. As for our efforts, the future we created will remain untouched. No form of magic can undo twenty-two years of time and space. In fact, it would be more accurate to describe the place where your body will reside as a parallel universe, younger than our own, but nonetheless identical to it in every aspect'
Severus grimaced, massaging the bridge of his nose as he forced himself to take in Dumbledore's words.
'Another universe…' he began wearily 'and what about the younger version of myself residing in this… parallel world?', he said, sneering at the last two words, 'Am I to share his life?'
'This universe had to go through an extremely complicated process to deal with your presence here, so no, you won't have to share your other self's life. In order to bring you here, it has been necessary to create a passageway. You see, two parallel universes are regarded as such because under no circumstance whatsoever they are supposed to touch. I will not be so arrogant as to pretend I fully understand it, but the process has been... more difficult than we were expecting. When the passage was created Nagini's foul magic clung to your body and soul and you almost died again' he said, gesturing to his scarred neck and pausing for a second.
'You have been very lucky, Severus, very lucky indeed. Regardless, I cannot say I am not troubled by the circumstances we have created. Your younger self's soul, despite being bound to go through the same events that would make it became yours, was yet to be tarnished. What happened to him is something I will never be able to approve' Dumbledore finished with a serious look in his blue eyes.
Severus let out a deep breath, his shoulders visibly relaxing as Dumbledore's words sank in. Good, he had been worrying about the prospect of facing his younger counterpart.
That certainly simplified things, for Severus was unable to share Dumbledore's sympathy. If there was someone he loathed more than himself, that would be his past self, a boy who had been blinded by dreams of greatness and power. A boy who had turned into a cruel and hateful man. Severus would not have considered it past him to lock the foolish boy in a dark cellar until he was sure Lily was safe.
Still, he might not have been entirely be without morals, because the prospect of talking to a young Lily while her real "best friend" was locked in a cellar was strangely disturbing. She would have been disgusted by him; of that he was certain. Severus might have been hateful and cruel, but he would do anything in his power to ensure she survived. Dumbledore sighed.
'I am afraid that nothing can be done at this stage. But please, try to make the best of this new life, Severus, never forget how much it has cost. As for your other questions; no, there is no catch. Time is not written in stone. You might be aware of the possible outcomes of this future, but you have no means of foreseeing how your actions will reshape it. Knowledge is a powerful tool as well as a great burden. You'll have to be very careful; I do not need to tell you that you are not as safe as you think you are. A war is coming'
Severus gave Dumbledore a dark look, his eyes narrowing; he had been expecting Dumbledore to say something of the sort.
Meddling old fool…
'I know what you are implying and there is no need, you know I will find you' he said bitterly, for what other choice did he have?
One could argue that finding himself once again in the middle of a war was a small price to pay for Lily's life; Severus would have been mostly inclined to agree. Or perhaps, the truth was that there was only so much time one could spend with meddlesome Gryffindors before their foolishness started to rub on them.
Dumbledore gave him a small smile.
'I had my hopes, I admit' he said serenely, his words causing a muscle in Severus' jaw to twitch, for what exactly had Dumbledore expected him to do?
Prophecy or lack thereof, Lily, foolish Gryffindor as she was, would refuse to stand aside and watch the war unfold. Severus strongly believed that she would gladly sacrifice herself once again if that meant providing them with a chance to destroy the Dark Lord.
'Then, you do not know me as you claim you do, Dumbledore. If you did, you'd know I find myself with little choice in the matter!'
'I believe we always have a choice, my boy. But yes, I think I understand what you mean. As long as Lord Voldemort is alive, Lily is hardly safe' he sighed.
Severus visibly winced; his mouth suddenly dry. He could have done without hearing those words aloud.
'I am well aware. She is a Muggle-born and a Gryffindor. She will not be persuaded to stick her head in the sand whilst people like her friends and family are being slaughtered. That's the problem with you Gryffindors, Dumbledore, you are too… noble for your own good, so ready to sacrifice your life at the first sign of injustice' he said, grimacing as he averted his gaze.
'And so are you' Dumbledore acknowledged, his eyes twinkling benevolently behind his half-moon spectacles.
Severus startled. There was something that looked remarkably like pride in Dumbledore's voice, something that instantly caused his chest to tighten. He grimaced, hastening to hide his surprise from those scrutinising blue eyes.
'You know very well that I did not die for some idealistic nonsense. I did what I had to do to because of my own guilt, to expiate for my sins and… for her. I fought for what she believed was right, never truly believing in it myself until years later. There is… there is nothing heroic in that' he said bitterly, spitting the last words as though he'd just swallowed something foul.
And yet, perhaps that wasn't completely true, because while Severus had been lost for a long time, he'd like to think that her cause had also become his in the end. He had sacrificed the entirety of his adult life and had come to believe that they were fighting for something right. Too many people had died. And Severus had come to realise that the world the Dark Lord wanted to build was the selfish dream of a madman.
He looked up at Dumbledore, expecting him to realise the wrongness of his praises; but Albus' expression did not change and Severus forced himself to swallow, unsure.
All his adult life he had been looking for the older wizard's approval and now than he seemingly had it he had no idea what to do with it. Sure, Dumbledore had acknowledged him before, refusing to be fooled by his sharp tongue and unpleasant demeanour, but he had never looked at him with such fondness in his eyes.
Severus looked away, feeling unworthy of that kind of affection. Strange and long forgotten emotions were stirring under the surface, making him more uncomfortable by the minute.
'There is nobility in that too, Severus', Dumbledore said gently, 'I also remember you saying you were tired of watching people die. You know, my friend, you should give yourself more credit' he finished, eyeing him curiously as Severus forced his face in an emotionless mask.
'Enough', he snarled, 'tell me what I need to know and let's be done with it' he said impatiently, his hands clenching into fists.
For a moment the light surrounding them flickered and Severus' lips parted in shock.
'Oh, I feared you would never notice' said Dumbledore lightly as Severus looked around, his expression quickly darkening as he stared at the pale grass beneath his feet.
'Why here?' he asked wearily, unable to fathom why his afterlife would look like that wretched place.
There was a pause and a light breeze swept his black hair against his cheeks. His eyes darkened even more.
'You seem disappointed' Dumbledore stated, eyeing him curiously. Severus pressed his mouth in a hard line. Disappointed? That would've been an understatement. He looked at the top of the white hill, almost unrecognisable in the blinding light.
"You disgust me."
Those words echoed in his mind, words coming from a lifetime ago, words that still managed to shake him to this very day. He shuddered, rubbing his left arm, a frigid shiver running down the length of his spine. He drew a shaky breath, his features hard in that unearthly light.
'Why?' he asked, before he could stop himself. 'Why did you agree to meet me back then? You knew what I was' he said bitterly, his mouth twisting in revulsion as he looked at Dumbledore, black eyes boring into blue ones.
'I was hoping you still had something human left in you' Dumbledore sighed, placing one hand on the younger wizard's shoulder.
Severus flinched.
'If I remember correctly, you went as far as to say I disgusted you' he said harshly, an unwilling note of accusation in his voice, his anger meant to conceal how much power those words still held within his mind.
To this very day, he was unsure as of why those simple words had been able to shake the very core of his wretched soul.
He remembered very well the kind of man he had been, dwelling neck-deep into hatred and darkness, losing himself into it. Only when the Dark Lord had announced his decision to slaughter her family, the world had suddenly unveiled in front of his eyes.
It had been like waking up in a nightmare. He remembered the Dark Lord's words reaching his ears, he remembered lifting his gaze from the ground and looking at his Master, truly seeing him for the first time. His heart had stopped right there, when those cold lips had uttered her name, the realisation of what he had done tearing his world apart.
In the following days, in his raving madness, all his thoughts had been focused on the Dark Lord's plans and on Lily, whom he knew would refuse to stand aside. He hadn't slept nor stopped for a second and it had only been after Dumbledore's words that he had been finally forced to stop and look at himself. And Dumbledore had been right, because then he too had been disgusted.
In his desire to please, in his insatiable hunger for more and more power, he had signed a death sentence for the only person who had ever been good to him. He'd sold his only friend. His eyes had been so blinded by hatred that had it not been Lily in danger, Severus would not have cared. And why would he when the world had been so cruel to him? He would have gladly watched the world burn. He averted his gaze, a bitter taste in his mouth.
'You seemed so unconcerned with Voldemort's decision to slaughter an entire family and the part you played in it, that for a moment I thought you beyond salvation. I confess that, in that precise moment, it had not even occurred to me that a man like yourself could still be capable of love. When you told me you had asked Lord Voldemort to spare her, and only her, I thought your love to be nothing more than lust, your insistence to keep her safe as nothing more than an unhealthy obsession. You are not an easy man to read, Severus' said Dumbledore, looking intently at him.
'That is why I asked you what you were willing to give me in exchange, I needed to know how far you were willing to go. At last, your answer put some of my worries at ease. Though still wary, I started to believe there might be hope for you. I realised there was still some good left in you, something that not even your most despicable crimes had managed to annihilate. I believe that even back then it was love. But you see, Severus, despite popular beliefs, trust does not come easily to me and it wasn't until Lily's death that I started to understand the true nature of your affection. I trusted you then and I trusted you implicitly when you showed me your beautiful Patronus. I could not believe it. You and Harry were the living proof of everything I believed in', Severus said nothing, but a small part of him fought the urge to scowl at being compared to Potter.
'If you were not sure I would not betray the trust you placed upon me until that day, why did you give me a second chance?' he asked quietly, realising for the first time how much Dumbledore had risked in trusting him.
He saw himself listening at the Hog's Head door, his face distorted by poisonous greed, his lips twisted in a foul smile. Severus grimaced with revulsion, his throat tightening as he fought the urge to throw up. Why would anyone bother to listen to such disgusting vermin, running the risk of falling into a trap? Why not simply kill him?
He had thought Dumbledore had understood he loved her straightaway, but he hadn't. If Severus were to be honest with himself, in his years as a Death Eater his love for Lily had barely managed to survive, more than once bordering on unhealthy obsession.
Indeed, love had nearly turned into pure hatred when he had learned about her marriage. It had been quite a degenerative stage for his Death Eater's activities, the announcement pushing him to double his efforts in creating horrid potions and curses. Torture, murder… He had shattered his soul beyond repair, wanting nothing but the world to burn.
Severus sighed. Somehow, he doubted that the young man cowering on the top of that windswept hill would have been able to conjure a Patronus; for it had been her death that had wiped away any trace of anger from his heart, leaving him trapped in an endless circle of pain and misery. Back then he had quickly realised that he had had nothing left, nothing but old feelings and long forgotten memories.
It had been only when his heart had bled with remorse and guilt that his love had finally morphed into something pure, something capable of transcending death and bring her silver doe back to life. How something so beautiful had been able to come from him, Severus would never know, but he had been grateful for it.
Suddenly it was no longer a surprise why his afterlife looked the way it did. Something had died within him that night, allowing him to turn his back to the darkness. Dumbledore had seen it; he had sensed that he hadn't been completely lost, choosing to trust him.
Where would he be now, were it not for Lily's love and Dumbledore's willingness to guide him away from that unfathomable darkness?
Severus bristled, knowing that had it not been for them he wouldn't have been better than the Dark Lord. Lily had been too young and kind-hearted to fully see how damaged he was. She had not seen the man he had become; she had not seen him at his worst, but Dumbledore… Severus frowned. Dumbledore had seen exactly the kind of person Severus had become and had chosen to trust him.
Albus' mouth stretched in a weary smile. An uncomfortable silence fell between them, until the old man's lips quivered, his bright blue eyes darkening in pain.
'Why, you ask, Severus? Why did I risk everything for the possibility you might be saved?' he asked, his lips stretching in a bitter smile.
'Because if you didn't deserve a second chance, my boy, neither did I' he said hoarsely, closing his eyes for a moment, his voice trembling slightly. When he opened his eyes once more, they were full of tears.
'I too have been a fool in my youth, drawn by speeches of glory, blinded by my own arrogance and power. You… you must have heard…' he said, bitterly, his voice full of self-contempt, an emotion only too familiar to the Potions Master.
A single tear escaped those blue eyes, gliding down Dumbledore's cheek and disappearing into his silver beard. Severus waited, still unable to speak, but merely looking away, allowing the older wizard the time to recompose himself. He would not have wanted to have Dumbledore witness him crying.
'If you are under the delusion that I wasted my precious time reading that foolish woman's inane gossips, then you are sorely mistaken. But, yes, I have heard… rumours. Regarding your family and some… questionable friendships' he said roughly, shamefully recalling Lily's letter.
Dumbledore looked away, his expression a mask of guilt and shame. Severus took a deep breath, uncomfortable and completely out of his depths. He wasn't good with people's feelings. Why, more often than not his attempts to comfort Lily had been poor at best. That was of course when he had not outright managed to make things worse. Things had not improved much with age.
Dumbledore muttered something unintelligible, his mind seemingly far away, the wretched guilt in the man's eyes causing Severus to avert his eyes.
'I'm not asking for an explanation, Dumbledore' he said wearily, Dumbledore's discomfort quickly becoming his.
The older wizard gave him a weak smile.
'Truth is a curious thing; don't you think Severus? I'm afraid that after Harry managed to clear your name, Rita Skeeter decided to take the matter in her own hands' he said. Had Potter showed his memories to the public?
Severus grimaced, paling at the thought of, Merlin forbid, having be depicted as a tragic romantic hero. He felt sick to his stomach. He shook his head, his face pale as his eyes slowly found Dumbledore's.
'Do you believe it?' Dumbledore whispered after a while, his voice pleading, making him sound like a frightened child.
Severus frowned, his own eyes darkening before he shook his head.
'That you killed your sister? No, I cannot say I believe it' he said quietly.
'But what if I did?' Dumbledore asked in a haunted whisper, sounding so terrified that Severus found his heart was beating faster.
He looked helplessly at his mentor; those haunted eyes lost in past memories. A part of him suspected that Dumbledore himself didn't know the answer to that question, for the truth had the potential to be unbearable. Would it even matter at this point? Severus knew better than anyone that there was no changing the past.
'I hope you realise, Albus, that I am hardly the right man to judge you. Your past is yours to live with, I have heard enough to know that you'd be a very different man without it. I do not need to hear more'
Dumbledore gave a weak nod; his lips forming a wan smile as he looked at him, tears gleaming in his bright eyes, the dark shadows on his lined face slowly leaving his features.
There was a pause and when Severus fixed his eyes on him once again, Dumbledore was no longer crying.
'Thank you, Severus, I really appreciate it'
Severus gave a stiff, reluctant nod.
There was a pause. Dumbledore looked at the pale grass, the increasing light around them making it slowly disappear under their feet.
'I fear our time's up, my friend. This is where we must part our ways. I'm afraid I cannot tell you too much. However, I believe that in this particular case one word will suffice. Horcruxes. Bear this word in mind, do not forget it, and you will find that I have shared with you more than you initially thought'
Severus' lips parted, his eyes widening with alarm; the man's name frozen on his lips as he took a step back.
Dumbledore merely smiled.
'Good luck, Severus. I hope that one day you'll find within yourself the peace I've never been able to find in my own heart' and with a last smile, Dumbledore was gone.
A/N: I've always found Severus' relationship with Dumbledore incredibly interesting and complicated. The two of them in my opinion seem to have many things in common. I believe that very much like Snape, Dumbledore is a flawed man, shaped by a difficult past, and trying to do his best in difficult circumstances.
I don't believe this is Dumbledore's war any more than it is Severus'. Ultimately, Dumbledore was a teacher, he had no obligations to fight, but he chose to oppose Voldemort because he was the only one that could. Severus is now in a similar situation. He has the key to destroy Voldemort and it is not in his nature to forsake his duty.