Chapter 4 – Doubts and Worries
Lily Evans yawned, rubbing her eyes, her eyelids heavy from the lack of sleep. And to say that she had actually thought that being a Prefect would be nice. It turned out Sev had been right, being a Prefect wasn't nice or fun; it was a nightmare.
She rested her head on her palm, feeling the clatter of silverware growing weak and muffled, the Great Hall slowly fading into nothingness. Her jaw slackened; her mind lulled into a coaxing sense of peace as indistinctive flashes of blurry images began to flicker in front of her closed eyelids.
But that peaceful sensation did not last, because within a minute or two, her pallid hand succumbed to the dead weight of her head and she was jerked awake.
'Lily?'
Her eyes snapped open and her heart leapt when she realised with shame that she had almost landed head first in her morning porridge. She blinked a few times, her posture stiff as, in her vain attempt to fight the sleepiness, she kept her eyes comically wide. She blinked once more until Mary's disgruntled face slowly came into focus.
The brunette was staring at her, looking both angry and displeased. Lily shifted uncomfortably on her seat, her body tensing as she prepared herself to be on the receiving end of her friend's fury. God… how long had she dozed off?
'I was talking to you, the least you can do is listen!' Mary said, clearly annoyed by her involuntary lack of attention.
She sucked in a deep breath, looking down at her cinnamon porridge, her forehead crinkling as she tried to recall the tiniest shred of what, judging by Mary's face, had been a very long and serious conversation. Or, Lily thought grimacing, a very long monologue, considering she could not remember a word of it.
She wetted her lips, a guilty expression forming on her face as she glanced helplessly at her friend. For a moment she considered lying, but then again, in order to do that, she should've had at least a general idea of what the conversation had been about. She sighed, thinking hard, until Mary's exasperated huff brought her back to reality.
'I'm sorry…' she murmured sheepishly, giving her a weak, apologetic smile. Mary didn't move, but nodded in acceptance, her blue eyes softening.
Alas, it became quite clear that she was yet to be forgiven when her friend gave her one last pointed look before resuming her breakfast. Lily smile revolved in a grimace.
'I'm sorry, Mary, I'm-'
'Classes start in one hour. You know that, right? Get some coffee. I doubt Professor McGonagall will be as understanding as I am if you doze off during her class', she scoffed, the bitter tone suddenly reminding her of Petunia.
She grimaced even more at that; trying not to think that she hadn't answered any of her letters. But Mary was right of course; classes were going to be a problem. She might have been in Professor McGonagall's good graces, but her Head of House would not tolerate Lily's drooping eyes in her class.
Prefect duties or not, she would never be as lenient as Professor Slughorn had been, patting her on the back and chuckling heartedly when he had caught nearly falling asleep during his explanation on of how to brew an Invigoration Draught. She blushed at the memory, and she must've had quite the funny expression because Mary laughed.
'You don't remember a word of it, do you?' she asked after a while, a note of resentment still discernible in her now much lighter tone.
Lily let out a deep breath. She was still upset, wasn't she? Well of course she was and the only explanation was that Mary had been talking about something important, a serious problem she now thought Lily hadn't cared enough to listen to. She averted her eyes, guiltily, because it wasn't really like that.
'I'm really sorry, Mary, you know I didn't sleep a wink last night, but I did listen, I swear, we… we were talking about…', Lily's face flushed at the obvious lie, quickly averting her eyes, for really, she couldn't remember more than a few words.
'We… we were talking about Quidditch, weren't we?' she said tentatively, looking hopefully at the brunette.
It must have been the right answer, only that… it wasn't, because as soon as those words had left her lips, Mary's eyes narrowed. Lily backtracked at once, her hands held up in front of her as she prepared herself for the explosion.
'Quidditch?! Why on earth would I be talking about Quidditch?! I was talking about Sirius! S-i-r-i-u-s, Lily. We're in the same House, you remember him, right? Of all the things… I just told you it was thanks to him that Gryffindor won the match, but that was five minutes ago!' she said, lifting her chin disdainfully and turning her head the other way.
'Oh…' said Lily, uneasily. Well, suddenly it was no mystery to her why she had dozed off, she thought guiltily.
She had almost forgotten that like most girls in their year, Mary could hardly call herself immune to Sirius Black's roguish smile. A small line appeared between her brows as she looked at her friend, suddenly uncomfortable.
No matter how much she found both Black and Potter's behaviour abhorrent, she would've been a liar had she refused to admit they were both quite handsome. Even Potter, with his messy hair and warm smile, could be charming when he wasn't being an arrogant toerag and a horrible bully and-
Lily stopped dead, drawing a sharp breath, startled by the direction of her own thoughts, a mortified look falling upon her face. She shouldn't be thinking about that, she really shouldn't. Being good-looking didn't excuse Potter's horrible behaviour nor what he and Black did to Sev, whether it was after being "provoked" or not.
Still, she thought, glancing quickly at Mary, her cheeks slightly pink, between the two, Potter would have been a much better choice. Outlandish as it might sound, Potter seemed to have at least a shred of respect for human feelings, she considered, remembering as he had kindly dismissed his many admirers on Valentine's Day trying not to hurt their feelings. Black… well, Black was just a wanker.
And Mary knew that. To this day, Black was yet to show any interest in long-term relationships. It was always the same story, over and over again. It all started with a few mad weeks of indecorous displays of affection and snogging, all punctually followed by furious rants and bickering. Usually, it wasn't more than four weeks before Black got bored and moved on to the next girlfriend, dismissing his previous one with a shrug and a bark of a laugh.
It seemed to Lily that apart from being oblivious to the girls' feelings, he just couldn't help himself. He was just that kind of boy, handsome and insensitive. Lily wasn't even sure that he understood that not everyone wanted to start a relationship just to have "fun".
She wetted her lips, torn between protecting her friend and not hurting her feelings.
'But… Are you sure, Mary? Black's a bit…' she started, unsure, knowing that while she ought to say something and make her friend see reason, she was venturing in dangerous waters.
'Oh, I know, he's handsome, isn't he? Have you seen him, Lily? His hair, his smile… He is quite the heartbreaker; don't you think? He told me how nice I looked just the other day. And I don't know, but… but I think I love him' she said dreamily.
Lily blinked, trying to hide a grimace. It was worse than she had expected. She looked at Mary, worried.
'I know, Mary… but you know how he is. Please, think about it, I… you are my friend, I don't want to see you hurt' she said, gently squeezing her hand. Mary blinked, then she wrenched her hand from hers, eying her with a glare.
Lily winced.
'I thought you would understand…' she said, her voice cold and unforgiving as she ground her jaw, gritting her teeth.
Lily chewed on her bottom lip, looking both troubled and apprehensive. She knew that kind of look and she knew that any channel of discussion was now being closed. Mary was shutting her out, she wouldn't listen to another word against her dream boy. She sucked in a deep breath, despite everything, stubbornly refusing to give up.
'I do, Mary, but-'
'But what? Honestly, the nerve of you! You think Sirius would hurt me? Him? You're such a hypocrite!' she spat, crossing her arms, her lips twisting in a reproachful grimace. Lily blinked again, confused.
A hypocrite? She frowned. What on Earth was she on about?
'Oh, please, don't play dumb with me, you know perfectly well what I'm talking about! How dare you… telling me that Sirius is dangerous while you do nothing but hang out with that… with that slimy Slytherin, that Snivellus!' she said with a shudder, her whole face contorting as though she had just swallowed something foul.
Lily's eyes narrowed, a spark of annoyance flashing in her bright eyes.
'His name is Severus and what has he got to do with anything? He's not my boyfriend, Mary, he's my best friend' she replied fiercely, her eyes now reduced to slits.
She had had enough of Mary and Marlene's nasty words about Severus. It was starting to get ridiculous. He had a sharp tongue and a short temper, that was true, but he wasn't dangerous. She thought of the twitch way he moved, his hair hiding his face from view, his shoulders only relaxing slightly when Lily managed to steal one of his rare smiles. No, she wouldn't have described Severus as dangerous, especially when compared to the other Slytherins.
'Best friends? He fancies you, that creep!' Mary shrieked, looking slightly hysterical and seemingly unable to stop herself. Nonetheless, as soon as those words escaped her lips, she froze, covering her mouth with both hands, looking tense and worried.
Lily's eyes widened, both eyebrows raising up her forehead; then she snorted, doubts and worries temporarily leaving her eyes.
She averted her gaze, glancing at the Slytherin table, not finding him; but that was ridiculous of course. Sev didn't fancy her, if he did, he wouldn't turn a deaf ear to everything she had to say about Dark Magic and dangerous friends. As it was, he just couldn't bring himself to listen, no matter how worried she was, because contrary to Severus, Mulciber was dangerous.
'You see? You don't even try to deny it!' Mary jeered, triumphantly. Lily frowned, her gaze drifting from the empty seat where Severus usually sat to the brunette. Regardless of what everyone said, Sev was not evil and… wasn't he going to have breakfast? Merlin knew, he had the dangerous habit to skip too many of his meals.
She glared at her friend, a part of her hating how pleased she looked with herself.
That's right, let's all gang up against Severus again and avoid talking about Sirius.
'Severus doesn't fancy me, Mary. I told you, he's my best friend' she said once more, emphasising those last words; her tone suggesting that if Mary knew what was good for her, she'd drop the subject.
Mary let out a mirthless laugh; Lily's eyes narrowed.
'Best friend? You tell him that' she scoffed.
'Meaning what?' she inquired, defensively, her voice cold and waspish.
Mary let out another laugh, then her eyes briefly darted to the Slytherin table and, as though she feared they might overhear them, she leaned forward. Lily frowned, for Mary's expression looked now grave and serious. In fact, she looked worried.
'Open your eyes, Lily, he's obsessed with you. Always staring at you when he thinks you're not looking. It's creepy, that's what it is. I wouldn't be surprised if he kept a shrine of you in his bedroom and a lock of your hair under his pillow'
Where another person would've now been now perturbed by such accusations, it was fair to say that Mary's words had little to no effect on Lily. After the initial surprise, she pressed her lips together, trying not to smile, the mental picture of her best friend while he attempted to cut a lock of her hair from behind her back nothing short of hilarious.
She could see him biting his tongue in concentration while she gazed at the shimmering waters of the Great Lake, completely oblivious to his stealthy, slithering movements. It was too much and before she knew it, Lily was laughing so hard that Mary actually jumped.
'Oh, God… Cheers, Mary… I… I really needed a good laugh'
Mary's face turned scarlet.
'There's nothing funny about it! I don't even know how you can laugh about something like that! I'm worried about you, Lily. You seem completely oblivious when it comes to him and he's dangerous, I know he is. You remember what his friends did to me, right? I saw him, Lily, he was there and he was laughing. I mean what sort of person laughs when they see someone screaming in the corridors with their head turned backwards?' she cried, her eyes welling up with tears.
Lily averted her eyes, the smile dying from her lips as her heart gave a hollow thud.
'And then Mulciber, that Mulciber tried to- to-' she stopped, letting out a dry sob. And then, a day later, Mulciber had tried to Imperius her, Lily finished, shuddering.
Disturbed, she took her friend's hand, but averted her eyes, unable to meet her gaze; because Mary was right, even if she hadn't seen him laughing, later on Severus had regarded the corridor prank as nothing more than a "laugh".
'Why do you even talk to him, Lily? He's one of them, you know what he will become. Please, just listen to me, I don't want you to end up like me. You know what they call us. They… They don't even see us like people and-' her voice broke again before she could finish and Lily signed, squeezing her hand, her insides squirming with discomfort.
'Don't worry about me, Mary. Sev's not evil. He's just… he'll come around, you'll see' she said, trying to convince both herself and Mary of the fact. The girl looked up at her and Lily tried to smile; the smile never reached her eyes, which remained clouded by worries.
Would he really become one of them? She didn't want to believe it, she refused to believe it, but…
She shuddered, shaking her head and trying not to think about it. Sev was good, he wasn't like Mulciber, he wasn't one of them, but… but she had heard him listen eagerly to speeches of glory and power and how much "The Dark Lord" rewarded those who were faithful to him.
Lily cringed, her eyes prickling as she told herself once more, that maybe he had just been pretending because he was afraid of them.
She pursed her lips, feeling a heavy weight in her stomach. Who was she kidding? She had seen how his face had contorted in an ugly mask of eagerness and anticipation when Mulciber had mentioned that despite "his disgusting blood", there might be a place for him in the Dark Lord's ranks, for the Dark Lord always rewarded those faithful to him.
Lily dropped her spoon, staring at her cold porridge and feeling suddenly nauseous. She glanced again at the Slytherin table. A cold drop of sweat running down her temple, dreading to find that same eagerness on his face; but Severus wasn't there. She frowned, looking behind her back as she heard the Great Hall's doors open once more. Her eyes darted between the few faces of the latecomers until she finally found his.
He was standing behind a large group of students, scowling angrily, his lips twitching in annoyance as he glowered at them all, cringing whenever someone involuntary touched him. After a few seconds in which he looked so crossed that Lily thought he might actually start to curse his way through them, the crowd slowly dispersed. Severus did not move, his eyes glistening with annoyance as he slowly headed towards the Slytherin table.
Lily frowned, staring at his closed fists. When a group of Hufflepuff students nearby let out a cheerful laugh, she saw him stop dead in his track. He closed his eyes for a moment, looking angry.
Lily stared.
What was that about? Did he think they might have been laughing about him? Blimey, she knew he was paranoid, but that… they hadn't even been looking at him! She eyed him worryingly, but just when she had lost hope she might catch his eye, he looked at her. Lily couldn't see him clearly, but for a second it looked as though he might be sick.
She smiled weakly at him and Severus paled even more. She was just about to get up and check on him when Avery grabbed his arm, pulling him down on his seat. Lily continued to stare as she watched him free himself from the tall boy's grip, his mouth contorting in a sneer.
What the…
'Lily?' called a voice nearby.
Lily's forehead creased. It looked as though they were arguing… or more like Avery was, because after the initial anger, Severus looked uncannily calm. A deep line formed between her brows. Well, that must have been a first; Avery or not, Severus had never been good at controlling his anger. He hated being manhandled, his thin frame denying him the chance to physically overpower most of his peers.
'Lily?'
'…Yes?' she answered reluctantly, her eyes never leaving that peculiar scene.
'Marlene said I could ask you to… Could you give it a look? It's for Flitwick, but I'm not sure about question four'
Lily forced herself to focus on a fourth-year girl, who was smiling expectantly at her. She looked quickly at Severus again, then she sighed. She rested her eyes on the girl and nodded slightly; she would meet him later anyway.
'Touch me again Avery, and you will lose that arm' Severus said coldly, his dark eyes fixing menacingly on the taller boy sited next to him.
Mulciber blinked, his ogrish face slowly turning to look at Avery, whose hand was still hovering in mid-air. Severus' lips pursed, the shadow feeling of the boy's touch prickling under his skin. His eyes briefly darted to the Gryffindor table, his stomach lurching as he did so; but she was no longer looking.
He turned his gaze to those two boys, a rush of loathing cursing through him. He ignored the part of him that was almost startled to see how young they looked. They might not have killed anyone yet, nor done unforgivable deeds; but as it was, Severus could barely stand their presence.
He pursed his lips, the mere fact he would be once again forced to endure their presence irking him.
The smaller details of his sixteen-year-old self's life might have escaped him, but Severus' memory had always been impeccable when it had come to remember past wrongs. Potter, Black, Mulciber, Avery… how could he forget? They had treated him no better than a dirty doormat, calling him Snivellus and laughing at his back whenever they thought he hadn't been looking…
And the worse thing was that he had allowed it. He had gritted his teeth and turned a deaf ear. He had been well aware that they had been his only way to get to the Dark Lord when Lucius Malfoy had graduated from school. And Severus had endured, telling himself that he would rise above them all.
He stared at their boyish faces, sneering when he realised Mulciber was looking at him as though he might have gone insane.
Of course… Severus thought. Had he truly been sixteen his answer would've been nothing short of suicidal. He might have been young and prone on losing his temper at that age, but he'd hadn't been stupid enough to think that he could have answered in such a way without consequences. Antagonising Mulciber meant challenging the other Purebloods; an unwise move for a poor and unpopular half-blood who aimed to become a Death Eater.
'Have you lost it, Snape?' Mulciber said, completely oblivious to the fact that as it was now, Severus could not have cared less about politics.
Severus ignored him. He had no use for them now, no reason to fear the possible outcome of his "insubordination". He had nothing to fear from two incompetent idiots who had spent their whole lives living under the shadows of their much more talented fathers. Shamefully losing their freedom when Mulciber and the others had been woefully defeated by famous Harry Potter and his teenage gang.
How embarrassing...
Indeed, they had fallen so low in the ranks that they had been almost afraid to meet Severus' gaze. He nearly smiled.
'How dare you, you filthy half-blood?! Why are you even smiling? Do I have to remind you, Snape, that I'm your only hope to get to the Dark Lord?' Mulciber hissed through gritted teeth, 'I've met him and he-'
Severus' eyes bored into his; something about his gaze must've disturbed Mulciber, because the boy suddenly got to his feet.
Severus sneered. Teenagers… Always prone on losing their tempers. Mulciber's complete lack of control was almost embarrassing. How could he not have smiled? His knowledge of the future and status before he had died couldn't help but making the whole situation nothing short of amusing.
'You met him, Mulciber?' he said, his black eyes glistening with amusement; his expression suggesting exactly how little he thought of the whole ordeal.
Mulciber looked as though someone had just slapped him.
This was a welcome distraction, Severus considered. It got his mind off Lily, the chance that she would seek him out nothing short of terrifying. He had not expected to see her so soon, her eyes green and bright when their gaze had met and she'd offered him a timid smile. That silent interaction had left him with a sudden urge to throw up. Severus shivered, his blood running cold once more, the guilt washing the colour off his sallow face.
His eyes wandered to the Gryffindor table, his heart clenching in his chest at the sight of her long red hair. He gulped, the feeling of his own saliva sliding down his throat increasing his sense of nausea. He shouldn't even be looking at her, the last time they had spoken she had told him she didn't want to have anything to do with him and Severus had respected her wishes.
As of now, for the life of him, he did not know what to do if she approached him. And he knew she would seek him out. To her eyes he looked no different than the sixteen-year-old boy he had been; a boy that, at this point in time, she might still regard as her friend. Why wouldn't she approach him? And yet, he knew she wouldn't want him ten feet from her if she knew the truth.
Severus wrenched his gaze from her figure, his eyes temporary unfocused as he let those feeling fade into the back of his mind, the world around him growing colder and clearer. A second later his eyes were back on Mulciber, welcoming with open arms the distraction offered by a confrontation that couldn't see him as anything but the winner. A small smirk stretched on his lips, his face showing no sign of turmoil.
'And tell me, Mulciber… what use do you think the Dark Lord might have for two pathetic sixteen-year-old boys such as Avery and yourself? You are a fool if you think even for a second that you your family name will protect you from his fury. Surely you know he does not deal easy with failure'
Mulciber bared his teeth in a snarl, a vein throbbing on his temple. His thick fingers twitched as though he was fighting the urge to leap from his seat and strangle him. Severus' eyes darted to his side, quickly casting a Muffliato when he noticed some Ravenclaw students were staring.
'What?! How dare you? Apologise, Snape, apologise right now or you'll regret it! I know magic that you can only dream of! You have no idea what my father has taught me!'
Severus' eyes glistened malevolently, his dark pupils shining with some form of twisted enjoyment. The boy faltered.
'Indeed? I'd be surprised if you managed to pass half your classes without your classmates whispering in your ear, let alone cast one of those spells' he jeered, looking up at the bulky boy, a bored expression on his face. Mulciber's face flushed.
'… What… what did you just say? You son of a whore, you can't talk to me like that! Apologise right now!' the boy bellowed.
Half the Slytherins had now turned in their direction, the Muffliato Charm only meant to stop Mulciber's voice from reaching the nearby tables.
'Mulciber, that's enough, Dumbledore's looking' said Rosier, grabbing the boy's arm. Mulciber gritted his teeth, trembling with rage like a bull ready to charge.
Severus said nothing but his eyes fixed on Rosier's cold ones. Rosier narrowed his eyes, his cold and calculating gaze never leaving Severus.
Had he been sixteen he would've found himself in a dangerous predicament indeed. Rosier was dangerous, he had been barely out of Hogwarts when Mad-eye Moody had been forced to kill him, barely surviving to tell the tale and with less limbs. The boy in front of him was yet to become that man. Indeed, Rosier was unlikely to be a danger for a man that was now twice his age and had learned more than a few tricks from his Masters.
Severus' eyes wandered up to the Slytherin table. Mulciber, Avery, Rosier, Wilkes, Yaxley, Lestrange and Regulus Black. As well as Bartemius Crouch Jr and many others. He knew what they would all become.
He couldn't bring himself to care. The thought that they could turn against him if rightfully provoked, failed to concern him. He could handle Mulciber. He hadn't survived a year of attempted murders out of a combination of sheer luck and good reflexes. He had taken precautions, his paranoia saving his life more than once. He briefly wondered whether he would actually pass to history as Hogwarts' most hated Headmaster.
As of now he had no intention on wasting his time speaking with any members of his House. Regardless of his unwillingness to draw unnecessary attention to himself, Severus was no longer their personal doormat. That simple change would create tension, but Rosier and Lestrange had little patience for Mulciber's temper. They would not physically threaten him just because Mulciber had failed to keep him in place.
They had no fondness for him, of course, but Mulciber was no leader. His father might have been powerful, but Rosier and Lestrange knew the son had only inherited his father's cruelty and none of his skills. For someone who came from an equally powerful family, his lack of brains made him an easy target to take out and a poor leader to follow.
Severus' gaze shifted on Bartemius Crouch, the boy's scrawny frame and freckled on his face hiding his true nature. Crouch Jr. might have been desperate to please, but he was not one to relish in pointless displays of power and violence. Yaxley might not have been much brighter than Mulciber, but the much older and taller Slytherin would never subside to the younger boy's command.
Regulus Black had never shown much interest in taking part in such disputes, but he was proud. He might have been younger than the others, but with his father's poor health and his disowned older brother, the family legacy had already been bestowed upon his shoulders.
That only left Mulciber, Avery and possibly Wilkes to deal with.
Severus looked at the three boys, unconcerned. He would merely have to cast protective wards around his bed; something he would have done regardless. Something he'd done since he'd been fourteen and his father had dragged him out of bed for a beating; the experience had positively fucked up his sleep and prompted him to learn everything he could about protective spells and jinxes.
Severus grimaced. No, he would not get caught off guard by a gang of teenagers.
Despite her intention to talk to Severus right after breakfast, when Lily's eyes turned once more to the Slytherin table, Severus had already vanished into thin air. She blinked, frowning slightly; it wasn't a rare occasion for them to exchange a few words before classes. Shifting on her feet, Lily adjusted the heavy bag cutting on her shoulder.
She headed grudgingly towards Binns' class, her thoughts never leaving her Slytherin friend. She rubbed her eyes, her mood not getting any better in the afternoon, when she found herself in the Library, staring at her watch and waiting for Severus to turn up.
She rested her head between her arms, her school books neatly placed on the desk, ready to be used. The minutes slowly went by, with Lily growing significantly worried when the clock hands of her watch almost completed a half turn. She stared worriedly at the entrance for the umpteenth time, the possibility that Sev might have forgotten about their meeting not sitting well within her stomach.
Severus had always taken their meeting very seriously. He loathed tardiness, in fact, Lily still remembered how sullen he had been when she had forgotten they had agreed to visit Hogsmeade together on Saturday instead of Sunday. He had waited for her for two hours and Lily had positively flinched when he had scowled at her shy apology, shouting something along the lines that she obviously had not cared enough to remember.
No, Severus being late wasn't a good sign. Had something happened?
Mary's nasty words echoed in her mind. He hadn't talked to her at breakfast, what if he didn't want to study with her anymore? What if he had chosen to hang out with Mulciber and Avery instead, deeming them much more interesting and less sanctimonious than his Gryffindor best friend? True, they weren't as close as they'd used to be, but he had appeared quite eager at her proposal to revise together for the upcoming O.W.L.s and she had thought that maybe...
Lily sighed, looking both sad and resigned. With Severus failing to attend the second meeting, her new brilliant plan to keep him away from the Dark Arts was not looking great. She felt her eyes prickle. Maybe Mary was right, she was an idiot. Slytherins did not study with people like her and if he kept hanging out with Mulciber… how long would it be until he'd call her that word?
He knew he was already using it in their presence. How long would it be since he started taking part in Mulciber's twisted games? It couldn't have been longer than a week ago since she had seen him walking down the lake with those boys, she thought with a shiver.
"Diffindo!" Mulciber had yelled, roaring with laughter when the spell had hit the bag of a poor fourth year Hufflepuff, all her notes and books falling in the slimy mud.
"Now your books are where they belong… Mudblood!" he had jeered, laughing mercilessly as Avery had cast an Impedimenta, causing the girl to land next to her books.
Severus had stayed behind, but his lips had curled up in a small smile. Lily had looked horrified at her supposed best friend. She had always known he had a mean streak, but she had felt almost sicken by the fact that, far from helping the girl, he had done nothing.
"You wouldn't understand" he had snarled at her when she had confronted him. Lily had seen red. She'd yelled that he should have been better that and that she indeed could not understand how he could stand such behaviour, let alone be a part of it when he himself had been at the receiving end of it. She had wondered whether it was true what they said about bullied people turning into bullies. She just couldn't believe Severus could be like that. He'd been right in saying that she wouldn't understand. They hadn't talked for three days.
Lily closed her eyes and pressed her fingers on her closed eyelids, Mary's words echoing in the back of her mind.
"You do nothing but hang out with that slimy Slytherin… He fancies you, that creep… and he is dangerous, Lily, I know he is… he's obsessed with you. Always staring at you when he thinks you're not looking… I trust you remember what his friends did to me… Why do you even talk to him, Lily? He's one of them, you know what he will become… they don't even see us like people and-"
Lily bit her lip. Why did she have to think about this now of all things?
No… Mary was wrong… Severus wasn't evil, she knew he wasn't, but… but Lily had to talk to him. She couldn't watch him while he became just like them. She had been avoiding a serious confrontation for months, afraid of what she'd find were she to dug too deep. She knew all too well that problems rarely went away if you refused to acknowledge they were there. It had been stupid for her to hope. With each passing day it was becoming clearer and clearer that she couldn't keep living with these fears.
She couldn't pretend anymore, not when it looked as though her best friend's life aspiration was to join an evil Dark Lord; she shuddered. The thought of reading Severus' name on the Prophet amongst those responsible for the increasingly common murders and disappearances made her physically ill.
She knew there was good in him, but there was no denying that Severus was changing, his exchanges with Potter and his friends making him increasingly more hateful. He was dabbing into Dark Magic, experimenting with spells and spending more and more time with his Slytherin friends. She knew he could be much better than that, but despite her best effort to ignore it, the intensity of his hatred and anger for the people he loathed was starting to unsettle her.
It was in those moments that she could see a few glimpses of the person Severus could become were he to continue down that path. Lily shuddered. She had always brushed off his dark side, because Severus could be kind and brilliant when he wasn't being hateful; or he could be kind to Lily at least, she added reluctantly, he had never been too good with showing his good qualities to other people.
He would have scowled had she told him anything of the sort, but Lily knew he had a good heart. And yet, how long would it be before his obsession with power and Dark Magic consumed everything that was good in him? How long would he be before he turned into someone completely unrecognisable?
She got to her feet, her chair scraping loudly on the wooden floor. A sixth year Ravenclaw winced, raising his head from his book and glaring at her.
She tried to force her mouth into an apologetic smile, but failed; Severus would have glared at her too. The boy huffed, going back to his book with a frown on his face, no doubt cursing her and her whole house. Gryffindors had a bad reputation in the Library, a reputation she was currently doing nothing to improve, she thought with a grimace.
She hastily gathered her things, a tight knot forming on her throat as she promised herself she would talk to him that very day.