Chapter 5 – Shards
Severus looked down at his book, his gaze slowly drifting to the blackboard where his former colleague, Professor Bathsheda Babbling was slowly writing down some elementary runes.
His mouth thinned as he stared at her chubby fingers, the chalk moving so slowly in her hand that he quickly found himself annoyed. Surely there was no need to copy down such straightforward information... and… why… why in Merlin's name was she completing the assignment she had just assigned for the following week?
To spoon-feed her students? To this very point? Within a month to their O.W.L.s?
Severus crossed his arms, his mouth twisting unpleasantly. No wonder why her students always achieved such mediocre results in her subject. He had the answer at last, he considered. And to think she had told him that he and Minerva ought not to be strict. The blasted woman had downright deafened him with her inane chattering about his teaching methods, constantly reminding him that if he wanted to be a good teacher, he ought to understand the students. That he ought to think like them and remember that he too had once been a "little boy".
A muscle in Severus' jaw twitched, for truth be told, he had done his upmost to forget his wonderful time as a "little boy". He had had very little patience for the woman, secretly relishing when, upon discovering him to be Albus Dumbledore's cold-hearted murderer, Bathsheda Babbling had ceased her inane babble at once. After all, there was no knowing what a man capable of murdering his own employer might do to an overly talkative employee.
Severus rubbed his forehead, the increasingly loud chatter giving him a headache. He could already feel his mind rotting. His expression visibly hardened when two Ravenclaws girls started to pass notes to each other, whispering some nonsense about their love life and Quidditch. Merlin knew, this was nothing short of torture, no one had dared to behave like this in his class.
Severus wouldn't have had it. The thought of what he would have said had he been their professor did nothing to improve his mood. Why even famous Harry Potter had dared to create such mayhem, he considered, the sneer on his face immediately leaving his features when a hearty laugh exploded at his back.
His posture stiffened. He could not stand the sound, not when there was a concrete chance they might be once again laughing at his expense. Indeed, Severus' jaw had already grown quite stiff when he turned around.
He glared at the row of students with all the hate his young face could muster, an unsettling old feeling creeping in the pit of his stomach when no one shied away from his gaze. Indeed, far from looking chastised, a girl giggled. His face flushed. For Merlin's sake, he thought. He bit his tongue before the word "detention" could escape his lips.
His eyes drifted back to his former colleague. Was she deaf? He could not think of a single person in their right mind who would have ever tolerated such blatant disrespect in their class. Indeed, she would have had more luck teaching a class of baboons.
'Hey, what are you looking at Snape? Or what was it… Snivellus…? ' chortled one of the few boys who had seemed to notice his glare, the hateful nickname added as a second thought as he pulled the laughing girl closer.
His lips parted in disbelief, before his blood boiled. Potter... that was all Potter's fault, he had been the one… calling him that in front of the whole school, relishing in his humiliation whenever… Severus narrowed his eyes, but this only seemed to make them laugh harder. What was there to laugh?
The bile quickly rose to his throat when he looked down at his lap, his lanky form and ragged robes quickly providing the unwelcome answer to his question. He suddenly felt ill. Yes, no wonder they found the sight of him laughable. He looked like a stupid child, he thought, the realisation making him once again slightly uncomfortable. He stared at his colleague, her continue disregard for the loud chatter doing nothing to improve his foul mood.
And it was a while before Bathsheda Babbling stopped writing, the small piece of chalk held high in her chubby hand and hovering just a few inches from the blackboard as she slowly turned around, her small, beady eyes narrowing.
'Silence…' she drawled in her weak, squeaky voice.
Severus raised an eyebrow in disbelief.
So, she wasn't deft after all. In the end, her eyes slowly focused on the central row, where the laughs could still be heard. At last, Severus thought, sneeringly. The students at his back stopped laughing at once, but instead of reprimanding them, her small eyes continued to survey the whole row until they slowly fixed on him.
She squinted her eyes, adjusting her round glasses to better look at him. For a moment her eyes widened, then she blinked, screwing her face as she started to glare at him.
Severus blinked, his lips paring in disbelief. He stared at the middle-aged woman, completely baffled, his mind refusing to process the conclusion she must've come to.
Him? …Really?
He was just about to point out the absurdity of her reasoning when, still glowering at him, she shook her head, raising her chubby finger and shaking it disapprovingly. Severus blinked; a muscle in his jaw twitched.
'Mr. Snape… one point from Slytherin, for… for… disturbing my class!' she declared, looking uncannily pleased with herself, as she gave a stiff nod, looking as though she had just implemented the ultimate form of disciplinary measure.
Severus bristled. He had done nothing to disturb her worthless class. And she had deducted House Points? From… him? Without a shred of proof? No, he must've misheard. He had always had little to no esteem for her brain faculties, but that…
'Excuse me?' he said, his eyes narrowing dangerously.
But apparently Severus hadn't misheard, for Bathsheda Babbling puffed in indignation.
'No, I will not excuse you, Mr. Snape… I heard your name!' she said, daring him to say more and looking as though she had just presented him with irrefutable evidence.
Severus sneered, unable to contemplate such idiocy.
She had heard… his name? That was the brilliant reasoning behind the deduction of House Points? He was very much aware that he had occasionally been… deaf to lame excuses, but he was no idiot. Contrary to this wretched woman, his behaviour had always been justified and intentional.
His mouth twisted unpleasantly.
He tightened the grip on his quill and knowing full well that it would be quite pointless to argue, he started writing crossing the formula in the outdated pages of his book, praying that that travesty of a lesson would end soon. He tried not to think that he still had another class before he could finally call it a day. He closed his eyes, massaging his scarred throat, the dull ache in his neck making it difficult to concentrate on anything else.
Merlin knew, perhaps it would have been better if he'd stayed dead.
Lily took a deep breath, jogging slightly as she headed towards Ancient Runes, secretly thankful she had memorised Severus' schedule as well as her own. He couldn't avoid her forever, not if she managed to catch him during his free period. Professor Babbling was known for keeping her students a bit late. She was a kind woman, if not a bit eccentric, her class a bit dull from time to time.
Truth be told, Lily had only decided to take up the subject to be able to read some old Charms texts, something Professor Flitwick had said would offer her a clear advantage when it came to future careers and the study of old magic. Lilt's heart gave a hollow thud when she spotted Severus amongst the other students, thin and lanky as he pushed his way away from the other students.
'Sev! Wait' Lily called, hurrying her steps and hoping to stop him before he could reach the end of the corridor.
He froze, but did not turn around, nor did he stop. Indeed, he did nothing to acknowledge her presence. She frowned, wondering whether he had just remembered their meeting and did not care enough to waste his time talking to her.
Perhaps, if that were the case, there was no reason to talk, but Severus had never behaved like that. Not once in seven years of friendship he had ever stood her up without a warning or an apology. So why now? Lily was afraid to consider what this recent development could mean for their friendship. Her gaze hardened a little.
'Severus? Can I… can I talk to you?' she asked, hoping that it had indeed just been forgetfulness and that she might be reading too much into it. He did not acknowledge her. She frowned, before she touched his shoulder ever so slightly.
He flinched as though burnt.
'Severus?' she called again, this time sounding unsure, anxiety creeping down her skin. She circled him, noticing that his eyes where half closed; it was in that moment that their gaze met.
For a moment it looked as though he was about to be sick, his face paling as though he'd seen a ghost.
'Lily' he said, his voice sounding strangely hoarse. Her eyes swept to his face, taking in his whole figure.
Severus looked… ill, the lank hair falling on his face unable to fully hide the dark circles under his eyes. His skin had an unhealthy tinge to it. He looked completely worn out. Indeed, knowing how bad he looked it was finally no mystery why he had skipped their meeting, she thought, guiltily, a part of her tempted to shout at him for being out when he looked like that.
'Sev, are you alright?' she asked, worriedly, for he looked anything but. He took a deep breath, his unfocused eyes slowly fixing on her, seemingly seeing her for the first time. She stared at him, unnerved.
Something shifted in his eyes, the strange look on his face slowly washed away and replaced by a blank expression that did nothing to ease her worries. He stared at her and Lily shivered; his black eyes were empty and distant now, as though someone had just sucked out his soul.
'Yes… I… I am merely tired' he said, his tone strangely formal, before he averted those unfamiliar eyes.
Lily's heart skipped a beat, his behaviour genuinely starting to scare her. She grimaced, his appearance alone denying every prospect that his words might be truthful.
'Tired? You don't look tired, Sev, you look ill' she argued, gesturing quite pointlessly to his gaunt face, her mouth contorting in a worried grimace.
His eyes narrowed, a hint of annoyance sparkling just beneath the surface of his expressionless eyes; a ripple in what looked like a sea of nothingness, his face still looking as though it had been carved in stone. He sighed.
'As I said, Lily, I am merely tired, nothing more. Did you wish to talk to me?' he said and Lily blinked.
His tone was not unkind, but it was a moment before she realised that his voice had been devoid of his usual lilt; she knew he'd been trying to get rid of it, suggesting she try to do the same, but… he... she wasn't sure she liked it.
She shifted on her feet, unable to shake a growing sense of unease. There was something off and she startled when she met his sharp eyes once more. She gulped, trying to shake off the feeling. He wasn't just tired, he was sick, that much was clear, but something else must've happened to him and despite his unwillingness to talk, Lily promised herself that she would find out.
Her heartbeat sped up, despite all not too willing to spend some time alone with him at the moment, not when he looked so... She blinked, startled. Was she… afraid of him? And afraid of what exactly? Mary had been wrong; Severus would never hurt her; they had known each other since they'd been nine. He wasn't dangerous; he was exhausted.
She… she'd wanted to talk to him about Avery and Mulciber, hadn't she? But what if his friends had successfully managed to brainwash him regardless of how bull-headed he could be? Lily gulped. He didn't look brainwashed and he wasn't one of them. He was clearly sick, she couldn't just leave him because of a strange feeling; not when he was clearly failing spectacularly in taking care of himself.
Lily forced herself to smile, telling herself she was just being paranoid; indeed, the events of the other night must've clearly shaken her more than she would've liked to admit if she couldn't even regard her best friend without suspicion.
'Yes, but… never mind. Are you busy?' she asked, gesturing to the closed door of an old classroom on her left. She took a deep breath, ignoring the part of her asking whether she was stupid. She shifted uncomfortably on her feet. Severus was just tired. She needed to talk to him, to find out what had happened and tell him that whatever it was he could trust her with it.
He eyed her strangely, closing his eyes for a second.
'Very well' he said wearily.
Lily tried to smile, but failed, her hands slightly cold and sweaty as she tried to open the door, anxiety bubbling in the pit of her stomach at the thought of talking to him. Perhaps she could leave the discussion for another time; but if something had happened to him, she needed to know. Indeed, the least she could do was to convince him to go to the Hospital Wing; for he really ought to know better than go to class when he looked like that.
She frowned as the door remained closed, her tired mind suggesting that the latch was likely rusty and that she ought to apply more force. She frowned, her fingers fumbling for her wand when she caught a glimpse of Severus' face. He was staring at her and for the first time he looked slightly amused. She blushed slightly.
'Allow me' he said and with a grace she didn't know him to be capable of, he stepped forward, drawing his wand. With a quick flick of his wrist the lock immediately clicked. She thought he'd roll her eyes, but instead, he held the door open for her and Lily's lips twitched in a smile.
Severus sighed, leaning against a row of desks, the afternoon light illuminating countless spider webs and particles of dust, their presence suggesting that the classroom must not have been used in years. The desks and wooden benches had been pushed against the walls, which were almost barren of any form of decoration. Only an old mappa mundi stood out; it hung forgotten in a broken frame. By the looks of it must've been at least four centuries old.
There was a huge skeleton hanging from the ceiling, a sea serpent judging by its size; Severus found himself unable to repress a shudder, his neck prickling where Nagini's fangs had ruptured his skin.
He averted his eyes, the glimpse of the young girl standing by his side causing his heart to jolt. He grimaced, occluding his emotion and thoughts until they became nothing more than an intangible fog drifting in the back of his mind. He could consider himself lucky that he had retained his skill, his mind seemingly untouched by the drastic change in his body. And yet, despite his occluded feelings and thoughts, he still found himself clinging to her figure like a drowning man.
He stared into those beautiful green eyes, the sunlight making her irises brighter and of a much warmer green and very soon he found his control slipping once more. He gulped. She had caught him utterly unprepared. Had he not been relying on the mind arts on a daily basis, he doubted he would've been able to even look at her; as it was…
Severus took a deep breath, his emotions slowly dissipating into fog once more.
'Did you wish to talk to me?' he asked, refraining from clearing his throat, a part of him still uneasy by the difference in his voice. For a split second he wondered whether his annoyance might have seeped through his words, because Lily wetted her lips.
She looked at him with uncertainty and for the first time Severus wondered what she wished to talk to him about. He could not remember ever setting foot in that particular classroom, nor could he remember Lily looking so anxiously at him. Severus felt a pang of guilt break through his defences. Did she already despise him? He took in her whole figure, reminding himself that it was downright idiotic of him to irrationally fear her merciless judgment.
How could she resent him when she didn't know half the things he had done? This Lily, this so very young Lily had no idea of how deeply he had betrayed her nor did she know what kind of man Severus had grown to be. She only wished to talk to him, but Severus did not know what to say to her, nor did he know whether he ought to talk to her at all, not when he…
'Sev?', he flinched, still unaccustomed to the sound of that affectionate nickname. The only thing he could think of when she looked at him with concern was that it felt… wrong.
He took a deep breath, not knowing whether it was weakness or strength that stopped him from doing something as pathetic as falling to his knees and asking for her forgiveness. Severus' mouth twisted unpleasantly; nevermind that a considerate part of him still wanted her to hate him.
His stomach lurched as he took in every smallest detail of her face. He stared and stared; his eyes unable to leave her figure and all of a sudden it was the thought of her hating him that he could not bear. After all, pointless as it had been, had it not tried to make amends? Had the boy not survived, had he not protected him for her?
He averted his eyes, growing uncomfortable when he realised that she was staring at him too, a worried look clouding her eyes.
'… Sev, are you… are sure you're alright? Maybe we should drop by the Hospital Wing, you really look a bit…' she stopped, her voice a bit unsure, as though she feared he might soon explode.
But Severus merely sighed, shutting away both his discomfort and guilt so that he barely felt anything at all. He closed his eyes for a moment, her words finally registering in his mind, this time with some form of clarity. Of course, now there was also the uncomfortable feeling of being an empty shell, but Severus had long grown familiar with that.
Hadn't he just told her that he didn't wish to discuss his health? He narrowed his eyes, confused by her unwillingness to drop the subject. Small talk had never been something he had been happy to indulge, Lily should have known. He'd loathed it even more as an adult at Hogwarts; not that he'd ever had much patience for any form of non-work related conversation in the first place.
He frowned, observing her attentively, the most paranoid part of him doubting someone could genuinely care about his well-being, even if that someone was her. Severus felt an uncomfortable twinge of pain in his chest when he remembered that she had cared once, she had been the only one as a matter of fact.
But what about now? Did she still? To this point in their friendship? It had taken him a very long time to understand how deeply disturbed she had been by his behaviour, by his interest in twisted forms of magic and even more to realise that that last wretched insult had only been the last straw.
He looked at her in the eye, catching himself just before he could do something as immoral as start perusing her mind. His lips twisted in a grimace. He would not cross that line. What was he even doing? Employing Legilimency to see if Lily still cared about him? He was pathetic.
'Thank you for your concern, Lily, but there is no need. A sleepless night will hardly kill me' he offered at last, reluctantly, his last words, despite all, causing his mouth to twist in a grimace.
He shook his head slightly, before meeting again her wide green eyes. Lily's brows were furrowed. She looked strangely worried and confused, as though she was barely refraining herself from saying something. Whatever it was, Severus had to stop himself from skimming the surface of her mind once more. The irony was not lost to him when he thought that he'd rarely felt a tinge of remorse when he had looked her son's green eyes, skimming the surface of his mind.
Of course, Legilimency wasn't allowed on students. Dumbledore didn't approve of it, but it had only proven he had been right about Potter all along. The boy had loathed Severus. He had not trusted him; he had lied to his face more times than he could count and had had relished into making his life a living Hell. He'd been just like his father; his mouth twisted unpleasantly at the thought.
Lily blinked; he could tell she did not entirely believe him.
'Will you go if you feel any worse?' she asked, holding his gaze. He could not remember anyone but Dumbledore holding his gaze for that long and he quickly found himself looking away, blushing slightly. Very much like Dumbledore he was suddenly reminded that Lily had had the uncanny ability to see right through him.
He glanced at her, suddenly worried that she might see past his young façade, only to shake those ridiculous thoughts.
'I am capable of taking care of myself' he found himself saying with a note of finality, resisting the urge to waspishly tell her to mind her own business, something that he would have undoubtedly done had he been sixteen. Or had he been replying to anyone that wasn't Lily and had had the gall to comment on his poor appearance.
He still distinctly remembered glaring at Madam Pomfrey for the whole duration of a meal when she had pointed out how thin he was, embarrassing him in front of the rest of the Staff. He had been in his mid-twenties but he had shouted just that. Minerva had dropped her fork, shocked by his rudeness, whereas Dumbledore had awkwardly cleared his throat. Severus felt two blotches of colour rising in his cheeks at the memory.
She started at him, unconvinced, but something in his expression must've stopped her from pressing further, because she merely let out a sigh. It was in that moment that he noticed for the first time that she too looked tired, her face pale and taut. Of course, he was old enough to know better than tell her that she hardly looked better than he did; his silent look was enough for her to understand the unspoken question.
'I haven't slept well myself' she finally confessed, rubbing her eyes.
Lily considered her best friend's face; she had half expected him to lash out at her unwillingness to drop the subject. She'd never had problems matching his temper, nor when it came to being equally stubborn, but there was a coldness and discomfort to him that had not been there before.
She missed how easy he had been to talk to him, how they'd sit and talk for hours about their hopes and dreams. What had happened to them? Somehow, this strange, cold politeness was worse than a burst of temper which, unpleasant as it was offered, more often than not, a clear insight into Severus' mind. Anger and passion were the two things that brought him to life, his eyes lighting until the fire slowly extinguished itself; it was in those moments than Lily knew him to be fully honest.
As of now, Lily doubted that he would tell her anything about his friends or what he thought about her now. He couldn't subscribe to that hateful ideology and still be friends with her. It didn't work like that.
But were they still friends? She'd loved the boy he had been, but lately she had been wondering whether she wasn't just clinging to the happy memories they shared, or to someone that wasn't even there anymore. She wanted to go back, but the glimpses of the boy she had met in the park had become rare, replaced by the ominous shadow of the looming war and the choices the both of them would have to make. Lily gave him a sideways glance.
He was staring at her, the silence stretching between them increasingly heavier. She averted her eyes, unwilling to witness their growing discomfort any further.
'I guess you were right about Prefect duties' she started lamely, trying to distract them both and unconsciously indulging the part of her determined to keep pretending that everything was fine and that one of them wasn't actively planning on joining the Death Eaters.
That… that would be a discourse for another time, perhaps when he didn't look as though someone had just sucked out his soul, she thought, uncomfortably.
Severus' eyes quickly found hers. He said nothing and Lily swallowed, a bit unnerved by his gaze. Why did she have the impression there was something off about him, something weird and different in his eyes? It was a few seconds before some of the tension finally left his shoulders.
'Was I?' he inquired quietly, his stiff posture relaxing ever so slightly. Lily sighed with relief. Good, apparently, he wasn't completely against the idea of having a conversation after all, and if they got comfortable enough than maybe...
'I'm still happy to do it, you know how happy mum was when I told her about Prefects, but night duties can be hard, even if it's just once a month. Of course, I'm glad Professor McGonagall thought I'd qualify for the role, but I had a rough night and this morning I… well… I nearly dozed off in class, even though Marlene said that's only to be expected when it comes to Bins' she added with a sheepish smile, looking at him and hoping he would finally crack a smile; he didn't.
Indeed, Severus was neither laughing nor smiling; on the contrary, he had imperceptibly narrowed his eyes, the corner of his lips twitching downwards as though he did not approve the idea of her sleeping in anyone's class.
Right… She thought uneasily, for Severus looked as though someone had just shoved a stick up his arse. She looked at his narrowed eyes, feeling strangely chastised.
Apparently sensing her growing discomfort, Severus blinked, the disgruntled appearance disappearing from his face at once, leaving behind just a look of mild discomfort. She frowned… For a moment she had thought he would reprimand her. Despite his strange behaviour, it wasn't as though he had never refrained from saying what was on his mind, or had never accused Bins of being a poor excuse for a teacher.
She looked at him, unsure, until she spotted something akin to guilt in his eyes.
'I've just… I'm not sure of whether I must've just imagined it, but I think I saw something last night' she continued, relaxing slightly when she saw a spark of interest light those dark eyes.
While Mary had been unable to offer any interesting theories about the mysterious identity of the curfew breaker, she was sure that Severus would definitely offer a much deeper contribution to her vague speculations. Unless he told her she must've imagined it and that she ought to sleep more, she thought with a small grimace. She didn't give too much thought to the fact that he looked a bit wary and glad to have finally caught his interest, she continued her story.
'I was patrolling the corridors with Loretta, the Hufflepuff Prefect and… she's a nice girl, she really is, but sometimes she can be a little bit tattletale, even though she means no harm… Anyway, we had a disagreement at around four' she said, tentatively, glancing quickly at him, as though she irrationally feared he would realise that at four o'clock in the morning she had been discussing the fact that James Potter seemingly fancied her.
'Nothing important, just girls' talks' she added, despite the fact that Severus had shown no signs of interrupting.
He raised an eyebrow, and Lily became immediately aware that she was now ranting. She averted her eyes, blushing slightly.
'Anyway, nothing important. We were walking on a deserted corridor and we heard something. No one was there, but I had the strange feeling that we were being watched… Loretta wasn't happy about it, but I thought I saw something, like a shivering outline. I tried to move closer and… I… there was an awful smell of blood. It was gone almost straightaway, but… Loretta said it was a trick of the lights, but what about the smell of blood? I should have done something and now I'm worried… What if someone had been injured? Do you think that someone might've died?' she finished, feeling sick at the mere thought.
She'd been exhausted and Loretta had been firm in in her belief, but perhaps she should have talked to Professor McGonagall. It was only now that the severity of the situation was finally dawning upon her. She knew there were a lot of ways that could be used to disguise oneself, charms, potions, invisibility cloaks… The shivering outline could have been just that. She suddenly felt very stupid, her face going ghastly white as she stared at her best friend.
'I- I should probably go to Professor McGonagall, I can't… I should've checked and… God, I…' she croaked, starting to panic. She was just going to rush to the door when their eyes met. It was nothing but when she looked in those black eyes, she found once again some form of lucidity.
'That's enough, Lily. There is no need to worry yourself, be assured that no one died last night' he said calmly, his voice veiled with a hint of bitterness. She gulped, taking a deep breath and perusing his face for the smallest hint of a lie.
'H- how could you possibly know?' she stuttered, her heart beating fast.
Severus looked at her and again Lily had the impression that there was something slightly off about him, something in his eyes that hadn't been there before. It was almost as though he knew something she didn't.
Lily's face whitened as she forced herself to dismiss those worries, telling herself that it was just Mary's words getting to her. She repressed a shiver. She was being utterly ridiculous; how could she even think Severus had anything to do with the horrible occurrence of the previous night?
She wondered what he'd think of her if he knew what she was thinking, she considered, grimacing. Of course, Lily's face had always been quite expressive. Luckily enough, Severus seemed to not have noticed her internal turmoil, indeed he looked once again... distracted.
'It falls within the duties of a Head of House to be aware of their students' whereabouts. If any student had failed to attend more than four classes, their Head of House would have immediately been alerted by the other teachers. If the student is not found within a short time, the whole castle is then informed of their absence. And that would include both staff and students, as well as the ghosts dwelling within the grounds''
'And how do you know that?' she asked with a frown. She knew that Prefect were supposed to notify their Head of House immediately in case their peers reported someone's absence, but she hadn't been told what happened after that. How on earth could Severus know that? Had he been researching how many classes he could miss without being reported?
'It's standard school procedure, hardly a secret' he replied, his voice matter-of-factly but strangely enough, not unkind. Lily bit her bottom lip, not sure whether she believed it. It ought to be written somewhere if that was the case. Alice was Head Girl, she would know about these things more than Lily of course, but…
'Even if that's true… Maybe I should still tell Profess-' she stopped when Severus shook his head, his reaction making her feel strangely like a child.
Severus took a deep breath, hating the thought of having caused her that amount of worry. Had she been anyone else, Severus would have likely used the mind arts on her and wiped the memory of that cursed night, but as he looked at her worried expression, he couldn't bring himself to do it. Not to Lily.
He had been very lucky indeed that her screeching friend had stopped her from investigating any further. He would've been too weak to Obliviate her and she would have delivered him straight to the Hospital Wing and the Headmaster, demanding an explanation. Severus would have been in no state to face her. Indeed, he did not dare think what would have happened in that case. Despite his magical skills, Severus was not confident he could have Obliviated half the school.
He looked at the young Gryffindor girl in front of him. She had been able to see through his Disillusionment Charm. It mattered not that the spell had been far below his usual standards, it would have still fooled far more experienced witches and wizards. It was nothing short of impressive at her age.
He stared longingly at her. She was kind and beautiful, there was no denying it, but she'd always been so much more than that. And yet, everyone had seemed to remember her either as Potter's wife or the boy's mother, he thought bitterly. Lily had been extraordinarily gifted; a clever and intuitive witch with a knack for Potions and Charms. One of the best of her generation.
Even as a child Severus had recognised her for what she was; it was a rare thing for a child to have such control on their magic. Severus had had to pay for his magic dearly, a part of him always puzzled by the fact that Lily's parents had seemed to love her regardless. And even at Hogwarts, when they had learnt how to control their magic, she'd been a far cry from the insufferable dunderheads that Severus had had the misfortune to teach. In thirty-eight years of life, he had never met anyone quite like her.
He looked at her worried expression; he had not meant to upset her, let alone be the cause of the dark circles under her eyes. She did not fully trust him; he could tell as much. He grimaced; well, it wasn't as though he could tell her that as a former Professor and Headmaster, he had little doubts in regard to school procedure.
'I am certain. I would not trouble your Head of House with proofless conjectures she would easily have to dismiss given the lack of evidence. I assure you, there is no need for you to worry any further' he offered.
He could not even remember the last time someone had turned to him for some words of comfort. He had never been good at it. There had been Narcissa of course. She had sought Severus' advice. Of course, it wasn't as though he could invite Lily to his office and offer her some wine, he thought with a grimace, suddenly uncomfortable as he was suddenly reminded of how much older he was.
Alas, he must've said something wrong, because Lily looked at him, unsure.
'Sev…', she started, 'Why… why are you talking like that?', she finished, looking mildly uncomfortable.
Indeed, she was now staring at him as though she feared he might have just suffered a concussion.
'I beg your pardon?' he asked, frowning; but when her lips twisted in a grimace, it became all too clear to him that he had given the wrong answer.
'Yes, that, you… why are you being so… oh, never mind', she said, shaking her head.
Severus frowned. So what? He might have been called harsh and heartless more than once in his life, but he was not in the habit of being unreasonably rude to people he didn't actively despise or despised him in turn. He also could not remember ever treating Lily with kind of venom he'd had for most people; unless he'd lost his temper and snapped, like he had on that cursed day, he considered with a grimace. Or had it been Lucius the one responsible for smoothing his edges?
Would he have snapped at her insistent question about his health? He would have, Severus realised, as he would have likely thought she might be regarding him as weak and insinuating he could not take care of himself. He had been pathetic, prone on losing his tempter like his father and showing his worst nature and blabbering incoherently when angered. Was she expecting him to act like that?
The thought of having to be deliberately rude to Lily in order to keep up this charade immediately causing him to grimace. He might have been a mean and spiteful man, but he had long since acquired more self-control than that.
She stared at him, opening her mouth, the unexpected ringing of the bell thankfully preventing her from questioning him any further. He watched her as she bit her bottom lip, staring at the door with a weary look.
'Do you still have classes?' she asked him and Severus forced himself to nod.
Memorising his timetable had been a wise decision. Indeed, if Lily had seemed worried about by his current behaviour, he could only imagine what sort of questions he would cause were he to check his timetable at the beginning of May. Her eyes suddenly widened.
'Arithmancy!' she said, for she had apparently been too tired to remember the class was on the other side of the castle.
Severus merely looked at her, but before he could even reply, she lightly touched his shoulder, guiding him to the exit and rumbling something about how mad Professor Vector would be if they were both late.
Severus' eyes were still on Lily when the bell rang once again, on her lips the promise that she would see him on the next day. For a moment he stayed still, an uncomfortable weight settling in his stomach as he watched her walking away. He ran a hand through his hair, grimacing as he recalled her gentle touch on his shoulder. Somehow, it was all real.
He closed down his eyes, his grimace become more pronounced as he recalled their conversation. He could have been kinder to her, he thought, rubbing his closed eyelids. He knew she had picked up on his strange and cold demeanour. He opened his eyes once more and realised that his hands were now shaking, his control slipping now that she was no longer there.
It all felt as though he were reliving some strange and forgotten dream; his youthful appearance, the Slytherin Dormitory, the fifth-year classes… It was as though he was nothing more than a ghost who had taken possession of someone else's life, the thought itself strangely disturbing. Because he did remember dying, less than twenty-four hours before he'd choked in a pool of his own blood. He shuddered, his fingers feeling the outlines of the angry scars left by those venomous fangs.
The charm he had placed on his neck was quite powerful, that was true, but it would not fool the touch. He scowled, rolling up his left sleeve, his skin white and untouched. He stared at his arm for what felt like hours, the sight of it almost surreal. It finally dawned upon him that he was free and he almost laughed. He rubbed the unmarked skin, the sight almost mocking him.
A second chance to live, Dumbledore had said.
Was he just supposed to forget all he had done? His expression darkened; as though he could ever forget and do what then? It had taken Lily's death to awaken him, without the knowledge of what had been, Severus feared the sort of man he could once again become. He looked down at his arm, he had been revulsed by the sight of it after her death. It had become a stain upon his soul that had been impossible to wash away, but it had also served as a reminder; indeed he'd almost welcomed the pain. He had deserved it.
"There are some things we cannot trust ourselves with, Severus" Dumbledore had said, when eight years before he had stormed in the Headmaster's Office, demanding an explanation for Dumbledore's absolute refusal in allowing him to fill up the post of Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.
Those cryptic answers had been punctually followed by him excusing himself from the Headmaster's Office with pursed lips, the corner of his mouth twisting in a sneer at the thought that no matter how many years had passed, Dumbledore would rather assign the post to a Dark Creature than allow Severus to teach.
Dumbledore had just stared at him, a sad look clouding his blue eyes, but had never said anything more. Severus had always thought that Dumbledore had not trusted him, there was irony in the fact that he had been mistaken. The truth was a curious thing indeed; for the Headmaster had not trusted Severus to resist temptation any more than he had trusted in himself.
"I too have been a fool in my youth… blinded by arrogance and power. You must have heard…"
He sighed, staring at the dark clouded sky as he stepped outside. It had been sunny that morning. A gentle rush of wind messed up his hair and he closed his eyes, taking in the fresh air. He hadn't even realised that he had walked out of the castle. He looked at the Great Lake, leaning against the gnarled bark of an old oak tree, a place he had often found himself visiting when he had needed to think.
The lake turned into a shapeless mass of grey as the last rays of sunlight disappeared beneath the tall mountains, the temperature slowly dropping until the cold settled in his bones, causing him to shiver. He stared at the at the small islet where the White Tomb had stood, his mind drifting inevitably back on Dumbledore.
Severus closed his eyes. He could not bring himself to go to Dumbledore that very day, not after what had happened on the previous night. He needed some time to reorganise his thoughts and think. Very much like Lily, Severus wasn't sure he would be able to look at Dumbledore in the eyes.
"Severus, please"
Severus opened his eyes, his chest heaving; sometimes he loathed Dumbledore. His hands were shaking as he looked away from the White Tomb. A second chance for defeating the Dark Lord… and he was left once again grasping at straws.
Horcruxes...
He was ready to bet all he had that the blasted boy had been privy to the that particularly sensitive piece of information. Merlin knew what he and Dumbledore had been doing in those secret meetings, sharing information for a whole year; never mind that the boy hadn't had a shred of talent for Occlumency, while he, Severus…
Severus took in an angry breath, pursing his lips in displeasure. Potter was dead, or if Dumbledore had been right, he'd lived long enough to lose his marbles and name his child after him, of all people. The thought that after seeing his memories the boy might have come to forgive him made him feel strangely hollow. As though the boy was now showing he was being the bigger man; as thought Severus was pathetic for being stuck in the past.
It did not matter now, he told himself, a part of him secretly glad he wouldn't have to see the boy again; he could not have borne it, not after having shown him those memories. His face was pale and drawn as he stared at the distant lights coming from the castle, its walls still untouched by the horrible battle he had left behind. He wondered whether Lily had noticed his absence at dinner and cursed himself for having agreed to meet her on the next day.
He was pathetic, he found himself thinking. He should have refused, nevermind the fact that she had given him a warm smile after he had agreed, something shifting inside of him when she'd told him she was looking forward to it.
He should have refused; he could hardly imagine her being pleased were she to find out with whom exactly she was planning to spend her afternoon with. He knew she would not want him anywhere near her, but even that knowledge had not been enough to refuse her offer. He had missed her… more than he had even realised.
He grimaced. Of course, there was also the fact that Severus was currently incapable of having a conversation with her without the veil of Occlumency. He hoped the situation would improve, but she was bound to notice the wrongness of his behaviour or the hollowness of his eyes. Perhaps, the worst thing was that he could not bring himself to do anything about it. He was tired, tired of lying. He had spent the last year playing a murderous traitor and torturer of children and he was now somehow reluctant to play the boy who had first betrayed her.
He sighed, his mouth slowly twisting in a sneer. And so, what if he refused to put up a charade? He could not bring himself to act like the boy he had been, of showing her once again the worst side of him. He could not recall exactly how he'd talk and behaved at this age, but did it matter?
Unless he deliberately told her, she would never know the truth. He was a dead man from the future, brought back by the deceased spirit of Albus Dumbledore in the body of his younger self. How could she even contemplate such madness, when he himself struggled to believe it?
Feeling as tired as he had not felt in years, Severus looked at the lake one last time, then he turned around, scowling at the idea of small beds and shared dormitories.
'Snape. Snape! Are you deaf? I'm talking to you!' Mulciber yelled at his back.
For God's sake, what now? Severus thought, the corner of his lips twisting in an ugly sneer.
Nonetheless, he did not turn around to face the source of disturbance; unwilling to encourage such behaviour, he kept walking until he finally reached the stairs leading to the fifth-year dormitory. Merlin knew he needed some rest, he thought with a grimace, the scar tissue covering the left side of his throat pulsing angrily as he brushed his greasing hair away from his face.
He could hear the heavy sounds of footsteps at his back, annoyance rippling through his skin as he turned around, staring with complete disinterest at the much bulkier boy as he advanced towards him.
Mulciber stopped a mere two feet from him, his heavy breath and reddened face making him look like a bull ready to charge. The boy's hands were trembling, his wand held high as though he had just been about to curse him. Severus raised an eyebrow, thoroughly unimpressed and yet feeling the strange need to straighten his back.
Despite his confidence in his superior magical ability, Mulciber positively towered over him, the unspoken physical threat causing a muscle in his jaw to twitch. He had never been a large man by any means, but he had been tall; tall enough to be rarely towered by students. Indeed, his current body must have been at least four or five inches shorter than his had been, the realisation alone causing him to sneer.
All the same, Mulciber would be on the floor before he could even touch him, Severus thought sneeringly.
'I'm talking to you, Snivellus!'
Severus' lips pressed in a hard line, his gaze shifting on the mousy boy hiding behind Mulciber's large frame.
'Indeed you are, Mulciber. What can I do for you?' he said, his conversational tone unable to fully hide his annoyance.
Mulciber blinked, the snarl slowly disappearing from his face as he turned around to look confusedly at Avery. A crowd of curious Slytherin was slowly forming around them; Mulciber took little to no time to notice. A twisted smile contorted the boy's features, on his face the look of excitement of someone who had just chased his prey down a corner.
'My homework, Snape' he demanded, a twisted smile on his face.
Severus raised his eyebrow. He had been expecting threats, screams and ultimately some form of punishment that would remind him he ought to be thankful his presence was tolerated within the Dormitory, but… homework? Really? He assessed the boy, his triumphant expression and the nature of the request so childish, that Severus did not even know whether he found himself amused or merely annoyed.
'What about it?' he asked, his voice cold as he looked at the boy straight in the eye.
Mulciber moved away from his gaze, shifting uneasily.
'Don't play dumb with me, Snape! You know what I mean! I decided that since you refuse to apologise to me, you'll do my homework for the next month!' he snapped, his face an interesting shade of purple, red sparks flying from the tip of his wand.
Severus stared down his large nose at the dark wood. The mere fact that he had just been asked to complete homework was downright humiliating of course, especially after having been a professor for seventeen years. He could feel his patience running thin.
'Indeed? And what made you think I would agree to do such a thing?' he said coldly, his black eyes gleaming as, after the initial surprise, Mulciber's face turned scarlet, his fists trembling at his sides. Had he truly been afraid of Mulciber? Good Lord, he had been pathetic.
'You'll do it!' he screamed at the top of his lungs, his face the deepest of red as he spat those words a mere foot from Severus' face. There was a pause, filled by the hushed whispers of the crowd surrounding them. Severus sneered.
Students… No doubt they were hoping to enjoy a nice little fight just before bedtime. He averted his eyes, his gaze drifting back to the bulky boy.
'No, Mulciber… And if, as I suspect, any of these assignments is due tomorrow, I suggest you head to the Library and start writing. I refuse to waste any more of my time. Have a good night' he sneered, leaving behind a gawking Mulciber and the rising sound of whispers.
Drawing the curtains around his bed, Severus reached out for his wand, adding some complex spells to the wards he had previously placed around his four-poster.
Taking his grey nightshirt from under the pillow, he started to undress himself.
What an impertinent fool…
Asking him to do his homework. Even in his youth he could not even remember having ever complied to anything more than a quick correction of his and Avery's poorly written essays. He refused to stoop that low, appearances be damned; he would no longer join the Dark Lord, not even an imbecile would consider it.
Severus closed his eyes, resting his head on the pillow and placing his black wand underneath it. He had just fallen asleep when his eyes snapped open once more, his gaze fixing on the close curtain of his bed. The sound of footsteps was followed by a yelp of pain. His lips stretched in a light smile: Dumbledore would not be pleased.
A/N: I've always thought attending classes would be a bit of a pain for an adult Severus, even though it's a small price to pay for having the opportunity to live his life again. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this new chapter, until the next time!