Chapter 6 – Long Lost Partners
Lily shifted on her bed, turning slightly as the first rays of sunshine peered through the heavy curtains of her four-poster. She grimaced, her pale arm moving sluggishly, shielding her closed eyelids from the rising sun. Finding that new position quite uncomfortable, she raised her head from the soft pillow, her left cheek sporting the faint marks of the covers as her eyes slowly fixed on the scarlet curtains.
With bleary eyes, she pulled them shut, cursing both Scotland and her negligence to check that they had been properly drawn before falling asleep. Now that the Scottish summer was once again approaching, she was starting to see why Severus seemed to like the dungeons so much; not that living in the darkest place of the castle had ever done much to improve his health and complexion.
Lily rolled on her back, staring at the red curtains of her bed. She wondered what he'd say if she told him he should be spending more time outside. He'd probably sneer at her, but Lily really believed some genuine sunlight would be good for him. In fact, he'd look so much better with a bit of colour on his skin. Spending all the time away from the sunlight couldn't possibly be healthy.
Her lips stretched into a sad smile. Indeed, if he kept eating so little and avoiding the sunlight so much, people would soon start to believe she was friends with a vampire. She sniggered, though there wasn't really anything funny about Sev's willingness to disregard his health, nor about his inability to remember that he too was a human being and that he needed both food and sleep.
She sighed. She knew it was easy for him to lose any concept of time when he was working, but lately he had been experimenting with dangerous magic and she was worried. She knew he had been casting those spells on himself, hastily covering cuts that wouldn't heal from her gaze, as though Lily wouldn't recognise them for what they were. He was dabbling in Dark Magic, no matter how much he told her defensively that he would only use those spells in self-defence.
That statement itself was of course worrying, as Severus' Law of Retaliation often tended to be more along the lines of an arm for a hand. Lily grimaced; she couldn't really see how having your enemy bleeding to death was any better than any of the horrible Dark spells Death Eater used. Severus had to be better than that.
She chewed her bottom lip; indeed, she'd created those studying sessions in the hope he'd spend less time trying to come up with spells that would impress those future Death Eaters. They didn't have much time to spend time together, but Severus had always been studious and practical. The likelihood of him declining had been low, but a picnic? Would he want to? Lily could already see him scowling at the flowers.
How long had it even been since they'd done something together?
Her expression saddened. They used to be close. How long had it been since they last had a meaningful conversation? One that hadn't ended up with him insulting James Potter and checking whether she was still willing to do the same? True, she could've hung out with Mary, Marlene or even Remus and Dorcas, but she just wanted to go back and have what they'd had. She was just afraid that it might be too late.
Still, the day before he had been really nice and kind, even though there had been something weird about him. There had been a strange light in his eyes, something dark and creepy, that hadn't been there before, but there had also been concern and kindness. Lily grimaced, the strange twitch of his lips when he had told her that no one had died still fresh in her mind. She shook her head, trying not to think about it. It had been just that one moment, after all, and that didn't change the fact that it had been very sweet of him to try to put her worries at ease.
In fact, now that she thought about it, she had been pleasantly surprised to see that he had offered her more than a dismissive explanation as of why it was stupid to worry. She would've never expected him to notice her discomfort and realise she had needed more than that.
Had he been trying to make up for their lost study session? It hadn't looked as though he had been expecting to see her, but he had looked far too pale and tired for Lily to be really angry about that anyway. She sighed, the muffled sound of someone opening a trunk causing her head to jerk up. She drew the curtains of her bed open, temporarily blinded by the much stronger light coming from the tall windows.
'Morning, Lils'
Lily rubbed her eyes, sitting upright and crossing her legs, her blanket still resting on her shoulders.
'Morning' she replied, offering Marlene a small, sleepy smile.
'Don't tell me, you forgot to draw the curtain… again' Marlene said, laughing heartily and earning herself a disgruntled sound from Mary's bed. Lily looked at the sleeping girl, but she was still smiling when she pressed her forefinger against her lips, warning the other redhead to be quiet.
Marlene grinned and Lily noticed with shock that there was a quill resting in her hand and a piece of parchment on her lap.
'Blimey, Marlene, how do you manage? I doubt I could even write a paragraph now' Lily said, feeling so tired that she couldn't help but being impressed by her friend's ability to function at half past five in the morning.
They stared at the rising sun, the first rays of sunlight playing on the smooth surface of the Black Lake, the enormous shadow of the Giant Squid inhabiting its depths slowly stirring from its torpor.
A long tentacle stretched towards the sky, splashes of water glistening in the warm light of sunrise, so that for a moment Lily regretted her inability to wake at such an hour a bit more often. She stared at the tall trees surrounding the lake, the beautiful mountains around them making the whole view breathtaking.
Marlene gave her a quick look, a cheerful smile spreading across her freckled face.
'I told you Gryffindor was the best' she said chirping.
Her hair was a much lighter shade than Lily's, a bright orange in the warm light illuminating the Girls' Dormitory. Lily smiled, stifling a laugh when her friend's eyes darted back to the thick book sprawled on her bedspread, a disgruntled expression clouding her previous happiness.
'I know… I'd gladly offer you to go down by the lake for a walk, but I don't have much choice if I want to pass my O.W.L.s and I've got Quidditch practice this afternoon' she grunted, playing with her quill.
'I'm not that good at Transfiguration, but I'm alright with the rest, even though you're probably better at Defence. We could study together' Lily said, without thinking of anything but the fact that no one should have to study at such ungodly hour. Marlene huffed, leaning against the thick, wooden column of her bed and raising an eyebrow.
'What, with you and Snape?' she asked with a piercing look, 'No, thanks'
Lily blushed. That's right, she thought, uncomfortably, they don't like Severus; never mind that they have never exchanged more than a few words with him. Was it such a ridiculous idea though? Merlin knew it would have made wonders for Severus' reputation to show that he could make friends with people who were not blood purists or Slytherins. Studying with him wouldn't have hurt Marlene either, she thought with a grimace.
'Well… why not? I'm sure Severus wouldn't mind' she started tentatively, cringing at the blatant lie, because she was fairly sure that Severus would mind.
He had always been a bit jealous of her other friends, but he wouldn't say no if she asked him nicely, would he? Lily decided to ignore the part of her brain pointing out the physical impossibility of having both Sev and Marlene sitting at the same table and being civil to one another, no matter how much she liked the idea.
Marlene scoffed, raising her eyebrows.
'I mean it, Marlene, Severus is not so bad once you get to know him, besides, he's really smart' she said, somehow awkwardly.
Marlene's eyebrows were now dangerously close to her hairline. She gave Lily a long stare, then she groaned and let out a sigh, giving her a knowing look.
'Is he? No offence, Lils, but he's downright horrible, never mind his looks. I don't even know how you put up with him' said Marlene, raising both her hands defensively when Lily stiffened.
'He's not horrible and-'
'Yes, he is, love, but do we really need to discuss Snape at five in the morning?' said a grumpy voice from the bed besides Lily's.
Lily turned around, finding herself facing a very crossed Dorcas, her face still half buried under the blankets as she glared at them both. Lily wetted her lips, guilt and embarrassment taking hold of her features. She'd been so quick in losing her temper that the fact that Dorcas and Mary were still rightfully asleep had been quick to escape her mind.
And now… Well, Dorcas' expression looked quite foreboding, a bit like Sev's really. The only difference was that Lily didn't know her well enough to tell whether she was genuinely annoyed.
'I'm so sorry Dorcas, we… forgot… we should've used a Silencing spell' she said as she stared at the dark-skinned girl, thinking that few people would sound as scary as Dorcas with their speech still garbled from sleep.
'Yeah, you should've' she sighed, a small smile stretching upon her lips as she noticed that Lily had taken her anger far too seriously.
'Damage's done, no need to apologise at this point, but Marlene's right. If I were you, Lily, I'd tell him to get lost. You're too nice for your own good and he's a Slytherin and a slimy one at that' she said, rubbing her eyes. Lily's eyes darted to Marlene; the girl shrugged. On her face the look of someone that had just thought "I told you so".
'Don't look at me like that, Lils, you know it's true. James's right, you know? He's so ugly that with his ugly face alone I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up working in one of those creepy shops in Knockturn Alley'
'That's not true, Marlene, and he isn't horrible, you don't even know him' Lily protested.
'I don't need to. They're all the same, that's just how it is with Slytherins' Marlene said, frowning.
'He's not like the others. And just because he's not really-' Lily bit her lip before she could say the word "attractive" or even worse "handsome", two adjectives that quite frankly could hardly be applied to her best friend without mockery, no matter how much Lily loved him, she thought with discomfort. Severus was brilliant and clever, but with his unkempt hair, gaunt face and big nose, he wasn't exactly what came to mind when people thought of the word "attractive".
And yet, he wasn't a monster, nor did he look that different from the other boys of his age, with knobbly knees and long arms and legs and the air of someone that was still growing into himself, she thought with a fond smile. Awkward yes, but he truly wasn't that ugly.
'Yes?' said Dorcas, while Marlene barely managed to suppress a laugh. Lily scowled, hating Marlene for supporting Dorcas, but the truth was that none of her friends seemed to like Sev.
'He's not ugly, Marlene' she said, her expression one of defiance. Dorcas snorted.
'Marlene's got a point, but as long as he's your friend you don't have to find him attractive. Regardless, that's not why I don't like him… Hexing our brooms and everything, I should've-', she stopped, her mouth setting in a hard line as she frowned.
'Stop it' Lily said angrily, cutting across her as she finally lost her patience.
'And so what if he's not really attractive? He's smart, and his looks won't stop him from having a brilliant career, like a Healer or a Potioneer. You're all jealous because his grades are better than yours' she said and immediately regretted it.
She had struck a nerve. She looked at Marlene, her essay still on her lap. Brilliant as she was, Lily knew that without having read further than her textbook, Professor Flitwick wouldn't give her more than an Acceptable. It couldn't be helped, not now, for the Library didn't open before seven thirty. Needless to say, Marlene knew it as well.
The look on Marlene's face caused a rush of guilt. That was a thing she and Severus had in common, they both knew where to strike. Very much like Severus, Lily could have a sharp tongue. It mattered not how rarely she did it or how very much she disliked that particular quality; it was easy for those words to escape her lips when she was feeling angry. She hated hurting people, but then again, she also didn't like what her friends were saying about Severus.
Marlene's mouth thinned, her expression hardening.
'He would have to be nice and have a least some concept of personal hygiene to get either of those jobs. I don't know if you noticed, but I could count on one hand the days in which he's washed his hair this past month… We were wondering, does he…'
'Marlene' said Dorcas in warning, but Lily knew what she'd been about to say.
Her face flushed scarlet, whether in anger or in embarrassment she could not say.
'No and stop laughing, I'll have you both know that he doesn't smell!' she yelled, eyeing her aggressively. Merlin knew she was going to hex them both if they didn't stop straightaway.
'All right, all right, calm down, tiger. Marlene was only joking' said Dorcas, her dark eyes resting on the other redhead in a way that said "you went too far".
Marlene merely shrugged so unapologetically that Lily found herself adding:
'And I'll also have you know that he's never even been in Knockturn Alley, let alone in one of those dirty shops, so I don't see how he could ever consider working there!' she finished, glaring at the girls and genuinely regretting ever drawing the curtain of her bed.
Marlene gave her a cheeky smile.
'Give him some time and I'm sure he'll love it'
Lily scowled, seriously considering hitting Marlene with her slipper at that point and blatantly ignoring that, truth be told, a trip to Knockturn Alley would be Sev's equivalent of Christmas. She suddenly felt very stupid when the following thought was that as long as she was around, he wasn't going anywhere near that place. She grimaced, it wasn't as though she could stop him, but those thoughts showed that she no longer trusted him to do the sensible thing. The realisation left her with a strange feeling in her stomach.
Dorcas shook her head, grabbing her robes and some towels as she headed for a shower. Yes, a shower would be a good idea, Lily thought, trying to ignore how uncomfortable she was feeling after their discussion.
'Hey, Lils?' Marlene asked after a while, staring curiously at her sad expression. Lily stopped rummaging in her trunk, her uniform neatly folded in her lap as she got up from her kneeled position. She sighed, rubbing her eyes and giving Marlene a tired look.
'I'm sorry, let's forget about Snape, we meant no harm. We're just worried' she said with a rueful look. Lily nodded, frowning slightly when Marlene yawned, all of a sudden not looking very sorry at all.
'Listen, why don't you go to that date? James says he'd really like to go to Hogsmeade with you. It'd be just the one, nothing more and if you don't like it, he'll leave you alone and stop asking', Lily scoffed, her expression a mixture of anger and disbelief as she quickly opened her mouth to reply.
'Just to get your mind off the oncoming O.W.L.s. You know that cafe? I've been there and it's very nice. Just consider it. He told me to remind you that everything's on him of course, and that he'll be a real gentleman' she finished with a grin.
Lily looked at her and grimaced, Marlene's obvious happiness leaving her with a bitter taste in her mouth. She had conveniently forgotten that her loyalty towards her Quidditch Captain extended far beyond the Quidditch Pitch.
James considered Marlene like a sister, the grit and stamina of the small Scottish girl difficult to ignore in a sport where women where often shoved off their brooms by much bigger male players. And for the love of her, Lily couldn't understand why, with people like Marlene around, Potter would be so interested in someone like her. They didn't have anything in common, not a single thing, especially Quidditch and that alone was at least three quarters of Potter's life.
Marlene or even Dorcas would've been much more fitting girlfriends for his lifestyle. Indeed, she had often wondered whether Potter might have just been in for a difficult conquest. Or perhaps he had simply been too spoiled to learn that no meant no. Why else would he look at her as though she was some strange, exotic creature every time she rejected him? She was mildly aware that he didn't do it on purpose, his confusion too genuine to be fake, but that didn't make his behaviour any less exasperating.
'Please, Lily, just give him a chance. He's my friend, I swear, he genuinely likes you. He really does, it's not just a crush' she added, crossing her legs on the mattress and nodding encouragingly. Lily huffed, Marlene's words leaving her temporarily speechless.
'You're not his owl, Marlene' she said at last, 'he can talk to me himself if he wants a date' she finished, her voice coming out harsher than she had initially intended as she spat the last word.
Marlene sucked in her lips, studying her for a moment.
'Well, he did. He even said he'll even leave Sniv- Snape be if you agree' she said, quickly correcting herself, though the slip didn't go unnoticed to Lily's attentive ears.
She narrowed her eyes, pursing her lips, anger rising once more.
'Yes, Marlene, he asked, more than once and I said no. And he can't just threaten Sev to get a date, do you even realise how wrong that is? The arrogant toerag… I swear I can't stand him!'
'Lily, please, just list-'
'He's your friend Marlene, I get it, but if I hear him threatening Sev one more time I'll go straight to Professor McGonagall and land him in detention for the rest of his school days. Mark my words, Marlene, because I'll do it. Just pray he stops before I find myself in that position' she said darkly, her face stark and serious as she yanked a pair of clean socks and a bra from her trunk, slamming it shut.
'Whoa, calm down, Lils. He didn't mean it like that and you know how Snape is, he's always trying to get them in trouble, James' just-' Marlene started, raising her hands defensively, but Lily was no longer willing to listen.
'I'm going for a shower. And I'll let you know that I'm studying with Sev today, so tell Potter I'll curse him into the next week if I find out he's been bothering him because of me' she said coolly, swinging her bag on her shoulder, determined to head straight to breakfast after her shower, no matter how early it was.
'Lily, wait, I-'
'I'll see you in class, Marlene, be sure to tell him that Hell will freeze before I go out on a date with him'
And with a last sharp look, Lily headed downstairs, determined not to deal with Dorcas and Marlene for the rest of the day.
Severus entered the Potions Class with a scowl, the familiar scent of herbs and the heavy fumes coming from the steaming cauldrons, helping him clear his mind. The quiet bubbling of potions and silence offered by the Dungeons had been something he had deeply missed during his last year as a Headmaster. He closed his eyes for a second, trying to ignore the splitting headache pulsing behind his temples. Merlin knew he needed some sleep.
He looked at the class that had been his for fifteen years, mildly irked by the lack of the items he'd hung on the walls. Instead, trophies and pictures of former students' achievements decorated the walls, the portly figure of the current Professor smiling from the frames as he shook his pupils' hands. The sight alone was enough to churn his stomach.
Severus had never been a man prone to such mawkishness. He had cared very little about his students, limiting himself to occasionally correspond with the handful of them that had shown a modicum of understanding for the subject and had sought his advice. He had occasionally given it, ignoring their flattery when they had called him a genius. Severus had had no time for admirers. He loathed anything that served as the reminder of his youthful potential and everything that had gone wrong with his life.
Severus sneered, his black eyes roaming the rows of empty seats in front of him. He soon found himself mere feet from his old desk, his school bag hanging awkwardly on his shoulder. He sneered, not even realising he'd been walking towards it as his hand rested on it.
A number of rare potion ingredients rested on the shelves, close to the pictures and lazily reflecting the torch light. His eyes fell on dragon foetus placed in the highest shelf behind Slughorn's desk. Severus would have known better than leave such a thing where any foolish first year could reach it. He would have never offered it as a prize to his students; as though any of them would've known what to do with it.
The class was starting to fill with chatter and he sneered, looking at said students, shuddering at the thought that he would soon have to sit amongst them and in his own classroom no less.
And to think that less than two days before he had been the school's Headmaster… And now here he was, looking no different from those moronic dunderheads, forced to relive his life as though the last twenty-two years of his miserable existence had never happened. What a fucking joke. Somewhere in the afterlife, he could imagine Dumbledore enjoying the show.
'Are you ok, Sev?' asked Lily at his back.
Severus stiffened, his heart sinking in his chest as he turned around, the sight of Lily's lively green eyes causing his heart to falter. He swallowed, his previous annoyance for his predicament leaving place to more complicated and contorted feelings. She smiled and Severus' stomach twisted with unease, his mouth becoming dry as he fought the desire to flee.
She really shouldn't be smiling at him; but despite the wrongness of it, Severus couldn't help but stare, looking at her as though she was some sort of ethereal creature.
Lily shifted on her feet. She waited for him to answer her question, but he didn't; he just stood there as stiff as the board behind of him. She had thought a good night sleep would be enough for him to recover, but the truth was that Severus didn't really look much better than he had done on the previous day; his skin still sickly pale as he continued to stare at her as though he had never seen her before.
She watched him tense, his hand lightly gripping the teacher's desk. Her forehead crinkled with a hint of worry. He lowered his gaze, removing his hand from the desk at once when he noticed she was staring at it, his mouth twisting in a sneer. She gave him a small smile.
'Looking forward to your teaching days, Sev? I didn't know you wanted to be a professor, but I doubt you could teach the class just yet' she teased him with a smile, grinning as she waited for him to crack a smile. Severus' lips merely thinned, the look on his face so strange that Lily soon found herself frowning.
'I beg to differ' he said, his black eyes narrowing when a bunch of loud students entered the classroom. Lily blinked, her lips parting slightly as she realised, he looked mildly offended.
'I assure you, Lily, that I would perfectly qualify to teach a bunch of dunderheads how to brew an elementary fifth year potion' he sneered, his voice laced with contempt as his eyes roamed the classroom once more, the chatter around them making her question whether she had not just misunderstood his words.
His dark eyes locked on hers as he seemingly tried to look down at her, an impossible task considering he stood barely a couple of inches taller than Lily. He frowned for a second, the fleeting look of confusion on his face soon replaced by one of embarrassment as Lily laughed. An ugly blush spread through his cheek as he averted his eyes. Lily fought the urge to smile.
'Come on, let's take a seat. I doubt Slughorn would let you teach, Sev, whether you think you qualify or not' she said, walking past him and setting down her bag on the second row of desks on the left. Severus opened his mouth to reply, but closed it right away, his mouth twisting in a sneer when he was almost knocked to the side by Doroty Bulstrode.
His murderous expression would've been much funnier hadn't she noticed how sickly he still looked. Lily frowned, studying the dark circles under his eyes, the fact that his lank hair was clean not doing much to improve the general picture. She gulped. Hopefully he wasn't practicing Dark Magic instead of sleeping, she thought, nibbling her bottom lip. Madam Pince had warned to exert caution when venturing in the Restricted Section, some of the most restricted books out there liked to feed on magic, she remembered with a shudder.
'Had a good night's sleep?' she inquired lightly, changing the subject. Severus, who had been looking at the chattering students, looked back at her, surprise clearly etched on his face, the obvious signs of sleep deprivation on his face too obvious to hide.
'I… I slept fairly well' he said, clearing his throat; an obvious lie judging by his looks, but still, Lily decided to push away her discomfort, turning around when Slughorn walked inside the classroom, bidding them good afternoon.
'Now then, scales out everyone and don't forget your potions kits' said Slughorn, his massive frame moving between desks to check if they were indeed doing as they were told.
Severus sighed, an uneasy feeling churning in his stomach as he opened the potions kit that had been his mother's. His gaze perused the different tools and despite the wretched state of some knives and the faded numbers on his beakers, he felt a strange surge of nostalgia. It suddenly hit him that his mother might be still alive, his gaze darkening when he realised that his father must be too.
He still remembered how happy he had been when his mother had given him old Potions kit and old textbooks, including some old books that she had managed to snatch from her father's library after she'd been disowned. It had been far before Hogwarts, but he'd been a curious child and his mother's increasingly advanced books had kept him out of her way.
They hadn't been books fit for a child and he had thankfully been a teen when his father had caught a glimpse of the twisted bodies represented in one of said books. Severus had received a violent thrashing and so had his mother, her name being the one scribbled on the inside cover; her father accusing her of wanting to turn his worthless son into an evil witch. The violence that had followed had been one of the reasons Severus had become a Death Eater.
'Well, then. Today we will be brewing the Awakening Potion, which you may also have come to know under the name of Wideye. Now, now, I know what you are thinking', said Slughorn, reprimanding two students that at the word "Wideye" had started to grin, 'and I know that within a month to your O.W.L.s it can be tempting… but you must not abuse it. Preventing the drinker from falling asleep and acting as an antidote for the Draught of Living Death, the Awakening Potion can have serious consequences for your health- as well as your teeth' Slughorn finished, smiling slightly as, at the mention of its side effects, the two dunderheads stopped grinning at once.
Severus looked at the ceiling, grimacing when he automatically traced the outlines of his teeth, crooked and uneven, but yet to be stained. Bad consequences for your teeth… Yes, he would know everything about that. Between the Wideye Potion and the Sleeping Draught, he couldn't honestly remember which one he had abused most, if not that none of the two had done anything to improve his abhorrent smile.
Severus closed his eyes, his temples pulsing, his teenage body struggling to function on the few hours of sleep he had managed to get that night. His eyes darted to Slughorn's office as he carefully considered the risks of stealing a few vials. The events of the last few days had left him… shaken, the memory of Nagini's fangs and the gurgling sounds coming from his throat replaying every time he closed his eyes. And with Lily being alive… he was… distracted.
He took a deep breath, forcing himself to listen to Slughorn and almost laughing at the thought that, had he still been in the future, this state of mind would've costed him his life; as though the bloody Dark Lord hadn't killed him already.
The Awakening Potion, Severus thought, forcing his mind to focus on the present. He had lost count of how many times he had taught it to his students, often brewing it on a weekly base. He looked dismissively at his copy of "Magical Drafts and Potions" and sighed, moving it aside as he retrieved his cauldron.
But it was Lily's gaze on him that forced him to remember that Severus Snape, the boy, was unlikely to have already memorised the entire school curriculum. He opened his book, his cheeks colouring slightly as he pretended to read the instructions. Lily gave him a smile, her eyes drifting back to Slughorn, unaware that at least a third of the students had long since stopped listening to the lecture.
Severus sneered; very few students showed interest in Potions, it was one of the reasons why having an Apothecary was such a lucrative career.
'And remember to heat the cauldron for five minutes', seven minutes, Severus thought peevishly, staring at his book with a frown, his fingers twitching for quill and ink. Arsenius Jigger had been a mediocre potioneer, his recipes produced subpar concoctions. Indeed, the only reason why Jigger's book was still in the school curriculum was because his fool of a grandnephew had been given an important seat on the school board.
Of course, not many potioneers had been keen on writing school books. Indeed, most decent potioneers reluctantly shared their recipes, often adding small missteps that would cause the potions to never turn quite right. It was one of the things Severus had always found so engaging about potions. He had loved recognising those subtle traps for what they were, the missteps becoming increasingly more dire and dark in nature when it came to Dark Witches and Wizards.
To Dumbledore's displeasure, Severus had loved brewing those Dark potions.
Of course, nothing outside the Restricted Session would be dangerous for the students, not that any of those dunderheads had needed any subterfuge to turn his precise and perfectly safe instructions into a potentially lethal concoction. Formulas that had made sure that even his worse students would scrape an Acceptable in their O.W.L.s. Not that any of those dunderheads had ever showed any appreciation for his work, he thought unhappily.
'… So, off you go, now. If everything goes smoothly, you should be able to finish it in less than one hour' Slughorn finished with a small nod.
Ignoring the general clatter of beakers and cylinders, Severus walked towards the potion cupboard, getting all the required ingredients with an air of impatience. Going back to his desk he was already crushing both snake fangs and dried Billywig stings in the mortar, when his eyes caught a movement to his right.
He froze as his gaze fixed on a bespectacled boy with unruly black hair, torn between shock and rising feelings of hatred.
Potter.
A muscle in his jaw twitched, his blood boiling like it had not done in years, for it looked as though that arrogant cretin would continue to torment him after death and beyond. It was of little consequence to him that this Potter did not sport a pair of bright green eyes and a lightning bolt scar, he had rarely thought of them as anything but the perfect reincarnation of one another. If not that Potter the father had been worse and was only currently half his age.
His eyes narrowed, flashing dangerously as he saw Potter confabulating with what Severus immediately recognised as Black, his face not yet hollowed by the years spent in Azkaban. Not that even when he'd turned into a filthy stray dog, Black had ever lost the change to comment on Severus' hair and physical appearance, he thought with a sneer.
They must have felt his piercing gaze on them, because suddenly they looked at him, their faces filling with mutual hatred. Something old and wretched reared its ugly head when he saw that Lily's eyes were now on Potter. He could only watch as Potter gave her a roughish smile, swelling his chest a little as he ruffled his already messy hair. Severus looked at Potter, a new rush of hatred and panic clouding his mind when he saw that such childish behaviour had made Lily blush.
And then their eyes met; and he realised that Potter knew. He knew what Severus felt for Lily, knew that she would only pity him were she to learn the truth. And hadn't he been right? She'd married and had had a child with him, whilst Severus had gone off and become a Death Eater.
He clenched his jaw, staring murderously at her future husband. He hadn't felt such corrosive hatred in years, not even for that idiot's spawn. And the worst thing was that he knew that it was only a matter of time before he would take her away from him, pushing his buttons until Lily truly saw him for what he was.
Severus' heart sank, his guts twisting with both pain and guilt. He stared at Potter's smile, recognising the old feeling for what it was. He was jealous, jealous of Potter and scared that because of him, Lily would once again decide to never talk to him again. The feeling was all too familiar and unchanged; if not for the fact that he was now jealous of a boy half his age, the fact making him nothing short of a pathetic old man.
Severus averted his eyes, ashamed, his gaze resting on a sickly boy, with a pale face and dark circles under his eyes. Lupin, he thought, his eyes narrowing. Next to him was an anxious looking boy with mousy hair and prominent front teeth. Severus' lips curled in disgust; and to think that people had thought that he had aged badly…
He knew who the boy was, but Wormtail looked uncannily human, the realisation alone somehow disconcerting if one lingered on the fact that that pathetic, quivering boy would end up looking more like a sewer rat than an actual human being. Wormtail had been revolting, his quivering nature evoking disgust amongst Death Eaters and Order members alike.
Severus felt the bile rising in his throat as he recalled Lily's letter and her concern over Wormtail's distress, her kind heart unable to even conceive how anyone could be so rotten. Worthless and pathetic. And yet wasn't Severus just equally responsible for Lily's death? The only difference being that he trusted himself more to protect her than he trusted Wormtail not to betray her.
'Hey, Evans. Would you like me to crush your ingredients?'
Severus' lips parted, his mouth quickly curling into a grimace as his eyes slowly fixed on James Potter. The proposal was ludicrous of course, but his gaze darted to Lily all the same, fearing she might accept; but Lily merely blinked, as though, very much like Severus, she could not believe what she had just heard.
To Severus' greatest delight, Potter's smile quickly faded into nothingness. She glared at the dunderhead and Severus smirked, preannouncing her outburst. Needless to say, she did not disappoint him.
'Thank you, Potter, but I'm perfectly capable of crushing them by myself!' she said, eyeing Potter with great dislike before she got back to work.
Severus' lips curled into a derisive smile, as he added his perfectly crushed ingredients to his cauldron. Lily was a few steps back, but he saw that she had reduced both snake fangs and Billywig stings to a neat and fine powder. He nodded approvingly, sneering at Potter's clumsy tentative to crush all the ingredients at once in a vain attempt to save time.
He shuddered, his inner professor cringing as Potter threw everything inside his cauldron without even bothering to lower the heat. What was it? Gryffindor bravado that had brought him to ask her such a thing? What a pitiful display of chivalry. He should have known that Lily would not appreciate the chauvinistic implication that she would be unable to use a mortar.
He watched her lifting her cauldron with much more ease than he had done and he cringed as his eyes fell on his scrawny arms. She might have not liked Potter's revolting personality, but was she attracted to Potter? She'd married him, so she must've. After all had she not blushed when the boy had ruffled his hair?
Severus stared at his bony knees and angular frame and scowled; he had never stood a chance. He had been too stupid to see it when he had been a boy, thinking that his quest for power would make up for his pitiful looks. It had never crossed his mind that Lily would be revolted by the man he had aspired to be. For a poor and ugly half-blood with no future, the Dark Lord's promises had acted like a siren's song.
And was he any better now? He was still poor and ugly and with no illusions that fear and power would make up for his lacking looks.
Severus sighed. There had never been anything he could offer her.
Going back to his potion, it wasn't long before, despite all, he caught himself staring intently at her, his expression softening ever so slightly. She was working fast, glancing from time to time to the instructions, a small crease between her delicate eyebrows.
Severus' heartbeat increased as her soft lips parted… He watched her tuck a rebellious lock of dark red hair behind her ear, wetting her lips and nibbling at her bottom lip as she bent over her cauldron to examine her potion. She was frowning slightly, her cheeks flushed by the proximity to the boiling potion. Severus averted his eyes, but they were so close that he could still feel her standing right beside him. She sighed and took the hairband on her wrist to tie her hair up in a ponytail.
There was nothing special about it, but nonetheless, Severus caught himself staring at the delicate curve of her neck, her dark robes unable to hide the feminine curves of her body. He gulped and visibly flinched when, in grabbing a Chizpurfle, her gentle fingers touched his. She looked at him and gave him an apologetic smile.
He averted his eyes, but a minute later his eyes fixed on the soft curves of her body. His eyes travelled further down as he stared at her long legs, her perfect arse looking lovely when she stood on her tiptoes to peer down her cauldron, muttering under her breath.
'Sev, are you alright?'
Severus flinched, looking as though someone had just slapped him, her big green eyes staring at him with a hint of confusion, the clothes she was wearing a horrible reminder that she could have been one of his students.
'Y- yes' he stuttered, grimacing when she looked away only to glance sideways at him, apparently unconvinced.
He forced himself to wrench his gaze from her, his body showing a physical response that was nothing short of disgusting. Severus closed his eyes, mortified as he adjusted his robes, sickened with himself. There had been nothing sexual about her clothes, nothing that could've justified his reaction and yet… Oh, Merlin, he thought, grimacing, the sight of his scrawny legs reminding him that he was physically sixteen. The mere realisation that his body must be going through puberty caused his face to burn.
He knew that he still… loved her, but… looks asides, he wasn't a love-sick teenager anymore, he was twice her age, it wasn't right. What feeling attracted to her made of him now? Indeed, there was little to no reassurance to him that in all his adult life he had felt anything but contempt for silly girls and school robes, the thought hardly made him feel any better. Severus averted his eyes, swallowing a horrible lump in his throat and feeling suddenly sick, his previous excitement long forgotten.
He closed his eyes, disgust rearing in his throat. The reality was that Lily would have been appalled to know her friend was having such thoughts about her, let alone him. He was old and… He shouldn't even be looking at her, but… he gulped, brushing his fingers just where she had touched him the day before, his hand trembling. Severus pressed his lips together, a tight knot forming in his throat. He was pathetic.
It was all a lie; she would not have cared had she known who he was. She had cared until he'd poisoned her with his hunger for glory and power, pushing her away. The mere thought still hurt. He had been the one to kill her. Her brilliance, her smile, her fiery temper and laugh… All gone because he had wanted to impress his Master.
Severus closed his eyes, his throat feeling like dry parchment as he tried to concentrate on the Awakening Potion; a potion that, unfortunately, wouldn't have required a quarter of his full attention to be done properly even in his worst state of mind. Consequentially, it was no mystery that, despite the fact that he had imposed himself to look at her no longer, his eyes found once more on her delicate figure. A sad smile formed on his lips when he noticed that she had added three drops of leech juice and an extra clockwise stir.
He had never had a student quite like her and suddenly it was no mystery why in more than fifty years of teaching career, Slughorn had always regarded Lily as a personal favourite. He willed himself to avert his eyes before they could drift once again on her figure, her boiling potion now close to a perfect shade of pale blue.
'Use eight Chizpurfle carapaces instead of six' he advised, before going back to his work, his decision to help her a lame attempt to ease the guilt caused by his previous thoughts.
Lily looked at her best friend, her eyes bulging when she noticed with shock that Severus had nearly finished his potion. She stared at his open book, its position suggesting that he must have barely glanced at it. She frowned, her eyes following his figure. His movements were smooth and fast, brimming with confidence. She blinked when he severed the Chizpurfle carapace with almost surgical precision, adding it to the cauldron with one swift movement.
Her lips parted. What… Lily's forehead creased. That couldn't be the first time he'd brewed it, not even Severus was that good. He must've done it before, but why would he… Oh…
Slughorn had said it was a dangerous potion to abuse and … Lily gulped, something clicking in her mind. She thought of how he had opened the book only after noticing her stare and wondered why it had taken her so long to realise. Because, knowing Severus, Lily knew he was exactly the sort of person who might just love and abuse something that prevented the drinker from falling asleep.
A grimace twisted her lips. As though he didn't neglect his physiological needs enough as it was! Her eyes flickered down to his potion, then she stared straight in his eye, causing him to stiffen, his shoulders slouching defensively.
'Well?' he asked stiffly, he had never liked being stared with such persistence, but Lily could have almost sworn he looked strangely defensive.
She took a deep breath, her tongue tracing her lips as she studied his haggard face worriedly. He was an idiot, he really was and he must have taken it, she could only hope it wasn't to experiment with Dark Magic. Lily took a deep breath.
'You've brewed it before. Is this why you look so-'
He frowned, but his eyes were hard when they meet hers. Lily's skin prickled.
'Hardly' he said begrudgingly, his tone suggesting that even if he'd had, it wouldn't have been any of her business. She narrowed her eyes, not buying it.
What did he mean by "hardly"? Which question was he answering? Was it hardly the first time he had brewed it, or was it hardly the reason why he looked so tired? She was about to ask him as much, but sensing her confusion he preceded her.
'Believe me, at the present moment the Awakening Potion is the last thing I need' he said darkly, turning the beaker in his right hand, his gaze going briefly to Slughorn's office. Something clicked.
'But, Sev, if you're not sleeping…' she started, tentatively, eyeing him with concern.
'Nothing that a Sleeping Draught will not fix' he answered, lowering the heat of both his and her cauldron. Sleeping Draught were restricted, Madam Pomfrey would not give him one unless she thought it was absolutely necessary. Well, that shouldn't be a problem, one look at his face and… Lily took a sharp breath, her heart skipping a beat as she stared at the state of her own concoction.
Oh, God, she had completely forgotten about it. She looked at her watch and a choked sound came out of her lips. It was an ugly purple now and looked so far from the final stage described in the book that Lily didn't even know whether she had successfully managed to brew a lethal concoction.
She looked at Severus' cauldron. How on earth had he managed to avoid blowing everything up without even looking at it? Her eyes darted to Slughorn; her heart sunk. She didn't want to get a bad grade, but there was no avoiding it. There wasn't enough time to start over.
She flinched when she turned towards her best friend, only to find him a few inches from her cauldron. She waited for him to roll his eyes and sneer at her carelessness; a twisted way to show he cared. She let out a sigh. He briefly looked at her, without saying a word, then before going back to his cauldron. She grimaced.
'Stir it four times counter-clockwise, add three drops of essence of wormwood and six clockwise stirs, it should be enough to bring it back to its previous state'
Lily's eyes widened incredulously as she stared at her best friend. He had a solution? For that mess? How…
'Are you sure?' she stuttered, glancing at Slughorn and followed his directions when he gave her a single nod. The potion had been so volatile that despite Severus' understanding of the subject she was still surprised when the first dropped of wormwood reduced the angry bubbling to a simmer. She frowned. The colour had been likely caused by the wolfsbane being added after the boiling point and left unstirred, but…
She wouldn't have normally followed instructions she didn't fully understand, but Severus wouldn't knowingly put her into danger and, whether she fully understood it or not, he had shown a deep understanding of the potion.
She worked fast, her shoulders sagging with relief when Slughorn bended over her potion and gave her a smile. It wasn't perfect, but it was stable and safe.
Lily slumped back in her seat, wiping the sweat from her forehead. Her eyes darted back on Severus; Slughorn's mouth opened slightly. He started at his cauldron, blinking a few times, stunned. Lily found herself smiling slightly.
'B- but this is excellent, m'boy! Absolutely brilliant, I daresay a mere sip would keep us all awake for days!' he cried to the whole class, so that some students briefly stopped what they were doing to stare at Severus, who merely grimaced, slightly annoyed.
She glanced at Potter and his friends. Potter's eyes were narrowed; a devilish grin stretched on Black's face as he whispered something in his best friend's ear, staring at Sev's cauldron. Lily's eyes met Lupin's, her fellow Prefect squirming uncomfortably under her gaze.
She put a stasis charm on her potion and touched her friend lightly on the shoulder. He stiffened, but only stared at her when she gave him a smile.
'You're brilliant, Sev, you really are, I don't know what I would've done without you. Professor Slughorn's looked stunned, I've never seen him like that' she said and she meant every word. Not only had he saved her potion, but he had also managed to brew a perfect potion himself, earning Slughorn's praise.
He looked mildly uncomfortable; his pale face flushing slightly as he fought to hide his embarrassment. She smiled; it seemed almost surreal that no less than twenty-four hours ago she had thought he no longer cared about their friendship. Granted, nothing would've happened if he hadn't helped her. As much she loathed to admit it, Professor Slughorn's could be awfully forgiving when it came to his favourite students. It wasn't really fair and the last thing she wanted was to take advantage of his kindness. Muggleborns were often laughed at for being teacher's pets.
She studied hard that was true and respected her teachers; Hogwarts was difficult to adjust for someone coming from a non-magical background after all. She could only imagine how much harder it would have been had she not found a shy and sullen boy in the park, his eyes lighting up whenever he talked about magic. He had made her a part of that world, talking about the grand future waiting for them both. No war, just two children that would claim their rightful place in that fantasy world.
Of course, things had changed over the years, the magical world had as many problems as the real one if not more, but Lily still remembered Cokeworth's dirty river and polluted air disappearing in the background when Severus told her stories of the great lake and merpeople and of the centaurs living in the forest and shooting with their arrows at Dark Wizards.
She smiled. Severus had changed, but the blush on his cheeks told her he had not become a complete stranger.
'Y- you're… you are welcome' he stuttered, his pale face flushing scarlet.
He really didn't know how to handle unexpected compliments, that and unexpected physical contact.
'Now, I'd like everyone to leave a vial on my desk for marking, then you're free to go and remember to read the next chapter, we will be revising the Draught of Peace next week' said Slughorn, raising his voice so that he could be heard over the scraping of chairs.
Lily's eyes drifted back on Sev, who was slowly gathering his things.
'So… Shall we meet in the library in forty minutes? Just the time to grab our things and take a short break' she asked and despite all, there was a note of uncertainty in her voice; nevermind that Severus had already told her that he would keep a free schedule to study with her. He briefly looked at her and nodded, looking almost sheepish; she smiled. She hadn't seen him being like that in months and she liked it, it reminded her of the old Severus; her chest filled with hope.
'Well, then, I'll see you later' she said happily, gathering her books and waving at him. Severus frowned and after a few seconds he tried to wave back at her, but he looked so awkward that Lily had to stifle a laugh.
She walked out of the class, her heart lighter than it had been in months; because Mary had been completely wrong about him. Severus wasn't dangerous; in fact, at the moment, she thought he looked rather cute.